Catharsis
by poemsandroses
Summary: Catharsis is the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. What happens if a parallel universe existed and gave both women another chance to restart what they have ended? This is the parallel ending to Halo.
1. New Classes, Old Faces

**Here we go. Let's try this and see how well it will go. This story will mainly depend on reader's response. If I didn't find much response, posting will be very slow and might stop, even though I have already built a plot and keep imagining scenes in my head. My main concern is that this one and Impediments might have similar plots half way through them, so I'm not sure how you guys will like that.**

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In Greek mythology they have gods for everything. The world sprang out of Chaos. The earth, Gaea, alone gave birth to Uranus, the sky. Uranus became Gaea's husband and they had other children. The cycle went on and on. In Greek mythology, the universe is different than the realism of our own mother earth. They had a spirit of lot or fate, it's called Aisa. They also had a god for new beginnings, his name is Janus. Janus has two faces, just like our story.

What if the universe has another face? What if fate is different on the other side? Perhaps in the cosmic setting our story is told in a different manner. Behind the stars, the moon, the sky and its rain and its thunder, our Tegan and our Sara can have another ending. People are always given a second chance, so why not them? Some fix their mistakes, some never learn. If the heavens gave them another chance, would they fix their mistakes? I say they will, what do you say?

Let us rewind, let us return in time and start in a different place. Let us assume this is a Greek play, let us begin again. In postmodernism, they have different endings to their tales. I, your narrator, am going to show you how it would have ended if Sara was stronger than her fragile heart, and Tegan was able to pull through every pin poking her skin.

It doesn't matter who I am. I could be the anonymous person our protagonist was speaking to throughout our story. I could be Dionysus, the Greek god for wine, music, fertility, mystic revelry, and irrational impulses. I could be someone who has found a book documented by Tegan Rain about her story ending in a different way. I could be a god handling their lot and taking the plot a few years back, keeping Sara alive, and sending Tegan to where she shall meet her past lover with the eyes of a stranger. Or I could be a friend who knows the real story. I could be one of their descendants, or I could be Tegan, or Sara herself. It does not matter who I am, it only matters that I am your narrator and will show you a new face of our story.

 **...**

 **January 10th, 2016**

The room was silent when Tegan entered before all her classmates. First day of the last semester ever in this university. Class No. 16, 8:00 AM, Canda was still frozen. Tegan looked like the ghost who had haunted this university, oh well, that's what everybody told her. Jeremy did not tell her that, though. He told her she's beautiful every morning before she left the apartment they shared, it suffocated her. And when Jeremy returned from his new job which was barely giving him any profit, he told her she's beautiful again.

The last time she had been in this classroom was since Sara Clement tugged at her bra strap in May. She didn't take any classes in there again. It seemed like it had been forever, but it had been three years only. Tegan often wondered if Sara Clement was still alive, breathing, remembering her. She did what Sara asked her to do, she kept an eye on the Tulips for some months, but when she returned from her vacation last year, the secretary of the English department told her that the office was given to another doctor, the Tulips were gone. She couldn't do much about it. She asked about Dr. Clement. The secretary told her that she's alive, but still fighting the fatal plague. It's not that Tegan didn't try to contact Sara again, it's just that Sara's phone was out of service as soon as she and Tegan departed two years ago, it also seemed like forever. Many things had changed. She dated Emily, but then she cheated on her with Jeremy. She and Emy broke up only six months ago, they quarreled for about four months, but things were getting better thanks to Jeremy. They're not so much good friends like they used to, but it's better than the rivalry that departed them. Then Tegan was offered to move in with Jeremy in his small apartment. Jeremy had graduated last year, Emy too. Jeremy found a job, but it barely covered any of their needs. He refused to let Tegan help him with money, something about his manly pride or whatever. He and Tegan weren't dating, they were just sleeping together as the destroyer of all good relationships fulfilled her selfish need to be loved and wanted, continuing to break hearts and hurt others.

Tegan looked up from her phone when the whispering had begun to increase in the classroom. The whispers made her smirk. She knew the whispers were a couple of kids complaining that Tegan Rain, the woman who got the highest marks and was rumoured to have a 3.9 as a GPA, was with them in a class they took to raise their GPAs. Tegan's GPA was really just 3.6, the first two years of her college life was good, yes, but Sara Clement fucked that up in that one semester. Tegan didn't let that happen in the four remaining semesters. Therapy did her good, it took time, but it worked...a little bit. But mostly, her frustration was freed in studying till every student in her major hated her fucking guts. Some students dropped the classes when they saw her in them last semester.

She also forgot that food existed at times. She studied till dehydration and malnutrition. Severe anemia didn't matter to her, monthly visits to get blood tested became a routine. Jeremy would take her and she would get tested. More iron supplements would be given to her, and more warnings from doctors.

"You eat, you don't eat well." One doctor told her. "You don't eat healthy. Have you ever thought of children?" Tegan shook her head, had she? She didn't remember. "Well, when you start thinking of them or wanting them, you're gonna face some issues if your anemia is at that level." Tegan wondered why everything had to do with having children, she rolled her eyes, not giving one single fuck. "Why are you doing this to yourself? Since you said it's not about how your body should look."

"I told you, I don' know." Tegan answered her. "I just forget to eat. Or end up throwing it all up. Or I don't have an appetite. And when I do, I crave bad things." She shrugged. "Maybe it's the antidepressants."

"Well, they do have these side effects. But we're not able to get your iron level to the healthy rate it should be at. We need your help." Tegan was trying to help them and herself, but her anxious mind didn't allow her much efficiency in her actions. The more she thought, the more she stressed herself out, which caused her to burn more calories or forget she's hungry.

The past months, however, they'd been much better, she and Jeremy were starting to teach themselves to cook healthier foods on their own. Ones which didn't make them gag or shut their appetites. First attempts ended up in them throwing the spinach omelet or the veggie pie away and ordering pizza. Now, they learned how to add the right amount of spices to put up with the taste of green they both didn't really desire. Soda was exchanged with juices, beer was only gulped once a day. Wine was their favourite, but only on the weekends. It didn't make Tegan gain some of the major lbs she had lost these past two years, but it made the bags underneath her eyes get less darker, it also made her concentrate more, and it made her skin better and the pimples caused by overthinking finally all disappeared a month ago. Tegan still suffered with trying to gulp an apple, she wished all seasons were peach seasons, or mango seasons, or seasons of the fruits she loved, not apples or bananas. Or oranges, she fucking hated oranges.

"Tegan," She heard her name on some woman's tongue so she looked up from her phone and smiled at the stranger. Maybe she took some classes with her, it'd been happening a lot when strangers came to her and asked her about something, they knew her name, she didn't even think she'd seen them before. They told her they'd taken a couple of classes with her, she felt guilty that she hadn't even noticed. "do you know who's teaching this course?" The shy petite brunette asked. "I know you're well-informed about what's happening in the department and all, this class had no name next to it when I registered, so I'm just wondering if you do know?"

"Isn't it Dana Austin? She teaches Poetry each semester and they never put her name, so she probably teaches this class." Tegan didn't really like Dr. Austin when she took Poetry with her about two years ago. But she was graduating, she needed some more elective subjects that her major offered in order to graduate. Poetry II was available, and it was much easier than other subjects such as Novel II or Psychology in Literature. Plus, she loved poetry since ever, and eight in the morning was no biggie for her anymore since Jeremy woke her up at 6:30 every morning while getting ready.

"Ya, I registered depending on her giving it, but I'm scared it's someone else because I heard some changes have been happening in the teaching staff." The stranger expressed her worry. Tegan only smiled apologetically at her. "Thank you, anyway." The stranger smiled, Tegan smiled back and nodded.

 _I'm cooking today, sea food is fine?_

 _Not shrimp!_

 _Fuck you._

 _:')_

Jeremy wanted shrimp, almost everyday, Tegan hated shrimp, everyday.

Students began to enter the small classroom one after another. They all looked Tegan's way, but they were all too quick and too rushed to sit in any seat available to give her the usual disturbed faces, which she happily smirked at. It was an indication that the professor who was teaching this class was already here, only seconds separated her from entering the classroom. Tegan was sitting in the second row, fifth seat from the right to be more specific. This class was full of students from different years. Second, third, and fourth like herself. Not the first year of course since they must take the first Poetry class before it in order to register to this one. It felt great to be the oldest, or more accurately, to be the one graduating. Tegan had changed a lot. Still nervous, still hesitant, still anxious, but not as loving, as foolish, as naive, as kind, as cheery as she was. Now Tegan is cold, as some people described her. She's too proud to speak with some students, and too irritated by those who wanted her attention. Professors loved her, it made her feel good about herself.

"I can't believe she's back."

"Is she that bad? When I came here she was already gone, but I heard she's a monster."

"She's a bitch."

Before Tegan could turn around and question the two chatting voices behind her about the mystery they were talking about, the door was slammed and the classroom went dead quiet as the woman walked inside.

Tegan looked at her, silently, untouched, unbothered. But then she _looked_ at her, and she felt only one thing, one feeling. She felt as if someone had stepped on her hand. How to express the feeling? It couldn't be expressed, really, but it felt something like that: like a pause then a look, then a pause then a look. Kind of like in the movies, it was like it happened in the movies.

The first person Sara Clement had spotted was Tegan Rain, her student, her lover, her everything, her heart, her thoughts, her mind, her happiness, and her misery. Sara Clement didn't know what to do, she stood there as they both looked into each other's eyes. Tegan had changed a lot, she had to look twice in order to make sure it's her, that same woman. Tegan looked so small in shape, her skin pale and her hair longer, she also looked hard, whatever that meant. And her eyes looked frozen and still. Tegan didn't shift, she didn't do any movement, but that's how Tegan always was in Sara's opinion, she never really displayed much feelings, or the feelings Sara wanted her to feel.

Sara didn't flash any type of surprise as well, she knew Tegan was still studying in this university, she looked up her name and went into all her information the past week she'd been coming to university to get back to work. They gave her new classes she hadn't ever taught, but she was more than happy to receive them. Sara came back for a new start, she didn't want to teach the same materials again, she didn't want anything to remind her of these past two years she felt so much pain. She did have in mind that pain could be back anytime soon, but now she promised herself and everyone around her that a doctor visit would happen each month. Sara came back searching for Tegan, she promised her that, she had that in mind, but Tegan was not moving, gasping, sweating, blushing, or anything like she used to do around her. Sara often thought about her student falling for someone new or being with someone new, that's her given right, that's what she told her in the first place, but she didn't understand why she herself couldn't really manage to fall for someone new, or be with someone new.

Stacy was there for her and confessed her love for her. She could have lived with Stacy and they raised little Ella together. That would have been a healthier relationship than the fantasies she had built in her mind. But it wouldn't be fair for her friend to be with someone whose thoughts were pretty much full of some student much younger than her. Or the fact that every piece of writing Sara had managed to write or publish on some blog she made was about her student. The fact she didn't really feel any spark towards Stacy was also a dominant factor on why she didn't want to get engaged in a loveless relationship.

Her friend told her one thing, she told her that her life had actually just started right now and she should seek whatever quest she had in mind. Stacy had changed a lot after her divorce and while watching Sara suffer and suffering along with her. Sara could never deny that without the support of her friend she wouldn't have managed anything on her own. Stacy changed the sheets when Sara's hair started falling. She also helped Sara get dressed for every chemotherapy session. When Sara couldn't stand, she took her to the bathroom. And she was the one who gave Sara baths and showers when her days seemed near the end. Stacy didn't get tired and didn't say anything. She supported her and listened to her and checked on Tegan, without Tegan knowing, for her.

Tegan noticed Sara's long pause, and she also was well aware it happened because of her presence. When Sara smiled at her, she didn't smile back. She simply couldn't. She's not mad, she's just too confused. Sara looked healthy, too healthy in fact. Unlike herself, Sara gained the weight she had lost. Sara's hair was also the longest she had ever seen it. The old fringe was gone, and now her hair took the shape of a bob, a shaggy one actually. She had make up on, she had an eyeliner on her lower lids, nothing more, though. Despite all that, age seemed to catch up on her, she seemed older, way older. Not as old as her age, but definitely not someone who looked in their early twenties. Now she's thirty-five, almost thirty-six, she looked thirty, or in her early thirties.

Tegan looked down, she looked at her hands on her lap. She's an expert in breathing exercises and holding back all feelings now. She'd been doing it for the past two years, thanks to the woman standing before her.

"Good morning." Then the voice she had missed so much hit her eardrums, she took a subtle sigh, Sara knew she did, Sara had studied her too well to forget Tegan's emotions even if they were properly hidden. Sara's voice was raspier than before, but still feminine and still carried that lisp Tegan couldn't forget.

"I am Sara Clement, I'll be teaching you this class this semester." Tegan looked up, and when she did, she jumped. Finally a reaction from her lover, Sara smiled when she saw it. "Some of you may know me, or have taken classes with me...a long time ago." She chuckled, but nobody laughed, certainly not Tegan, who was being addressed. "I have been away for the past year and a half as I have been dealing with some health issues." Sara explained. "Before everything, I'm going to list my rules which you are going to follow or drop this course so you can spare me and yourself the problems."

And suddenly, everything rushed back to Tegan. Everything that had happened in this classroom on this day three years before. Sara's rules, Sara's smile, Sara's eyes, Sara's walk, Sara's everything rushed back and played out before her eyes as Sara herself began talking and talking and making her students' lives harder by the minute. The professor was speaking but the student was recalling every small moment they'd shared together. She kept asking herself if that was actually happening, if that was the same Sara Clement she still cried because of almost each night. Was she standing here? In this room? Tegan blinked, her heart banged and asked to be imprisoned, her stomach began it's darned actions. Why did every bad habit rush inside the younger woman's body when she saw that person? She tried to think it's a dream, she still had them after all. Sara in class, Sara there again, Sara smiling at her, Sara following her, she still got these dreams. Just last week she was thinking of Sara when Jeremy asked for a specific sex position. She shook the thoughts of the woman and focused on her friend's need, but she couldn't deny that Sara wasn't on her mind the whole time. She was just in the back of her head, way down there, locked up with the feelings she didn't want to experience again. It's like a jar had broken and everything was now trashed in front of her. Her memories, her love, her desires, her feelings, her emotions, her anger, her excitement, her tears, her happiness, her sadness, and Sara. They're all scattered now in front of her when her tormentor broke the jar and escaped. Her breathing too, it started to become less even and sharper, this wasn't happening, but it was. It's not fair, but she's standing here with all her glory and all her everything that Tegan had turned to nothing, she's standing there in that same dull room that started everything, and Tegan was now feeling everything, every tiny thing, once again.

"Am I clear?" The scratchy, confident tone broke Tegan's inner turmoil and pulled her back to reality to stare back into her professor's eyes. Sara knew what Tegan must had been feeling and she didn't want her to feel that way. She had to do her part and be the professor she'd always been but she wanted everything to rush to the part where she'd get Tegan back and they could be together. The hope that Sara had was lit by the spark that this was Tegan's last semester in this place that threatened their relationship in the past. Sara didn't want to make more mistakes, or let's say, wait. Waiting was her enemy now. She counted every second she's breathing and appreciated every second. She wanted to get what she wanted and be with who she wanted and hurry, hurry as fast as she could to fulfill her long awaited dream. But Sara, being a very rational woman, she knew nothing came easily handed. She'd have to work hard, knowing Tegan wasn't just an object she could toy with. She promised Tegan if she's back they'd be together, but she also didn't give Tegan much hope that she'd be back or any type of hints that she's alive the whole time she was dying.

The introduction from each student Sara required was the hardest part for Tegan, she knew it was coming, she just didn't know if she could speak when it was her turn. The students started one after one and nothing irritated her more than the glances her professor and past lover kept directing her way. The flame within her was blazing to find out what was Sara feeling and how everything would go from now on. One semester and she'd get it over with. But Sara's back, that's the last thing she really expected. Even though Sara's back, they're still broken up and mostly, it was because of that time she cheated on Sara and didn't give her a chance to be on her own, something Tegan still didn't really understand because she constantly wanted humans around her. But maybe it differed from one person to another, she didn't know, but she didn't understand it so it still didn't make sense to her.

"Ms. Rain, I do know you, but you must introduce yourself to the class." Tegan looked up at her professor, who still remembered her, well of course she did, she'd been inside of her, she'd been in the shower with her, she'd been in bed with her, they cried together and they loved each other, of course she remembered her.

"They all know me as well." Two years ago Tegan wouldn't have answered Sara like that. And admittedly, it did take Sara by surprise, but it also made her heart glow with merry fires because everything about Tegan radiated confidence. Sara always wanted Tegan to have this power to say what she wanted without holding back.

"Alright, then." Sara nodded and moved on, with a smile never leaving her face, never faltering.

Tegan was in the same attitude, except her insides were stinging and tearing up slowly. How much longer could she fight before a break down while going through memory lane? She hoped she could carry on till the end of her day. She taught herself to last as long as possible, and she believed she could do it no matter what demon stood there facing her.

"I'm going to just talk a little bit about what I'm going to give you this semester, then I'll let you go. We'll start off from the next class on Wednesday." Sara sat on the desk, just like all those times she used to do while teaching. Tegan checked her out, and she saw it clearly and smiled to herself as well. A part of her was wondering what was Tegan thinking of the change. Since she had fully recovered four months ago and her hair started growing back the previous summer, she and Stacy worked on getting her back into a healthy weight. She told her friend she wanted a change, her friend suggested a new hair colour, but Sara's trauma from that one time she had dyed her hair blonde didn't really convince her to try anything like that. She decided on a new hairstyle. She also hadn't been in this body shape since her early stages of pregnancy a few years go. She was simply glowing and anybody who had seen her so far told her so. She wondered if Tegan thought so too, and of course, Tegan thought so and thought more and was happy to see her healthy but was not happy to see her in general. "Since I am a biased person, I picked the poems that I love the most and which have affected me the most. So you might see me wandering off and thinking about something while someone is reading some lines, and you might see me getting emotional or angry or showing some feelings while we're discussing the poems. Please go ahead and laugh it off when you do, I don't mind. I admit, I'm a strange person. Let's keep that between us, though." And she winked...but to the class, to the whole class.

The day didn't go as Sara planned in mind, but she wasn't really disappointed. Tegan left the classroom as soon as she allowed her students to leave. She thought it's not appropriate to start off with her drama and call Tegan back from the first day. She still had Tegan's number. It's still written in that notebook she wanted to give to Tegan. She often asked herself if this notebook would get Tegan back to her, but she considered it a tacky move, perhaps. She's not like those people who loved to be pitied or those who bribed others with love to get what they wanted. She either got it, or left it.

She gave two more classes and one of them was for first year students. She despised giving classes to first year students. But then again, because of these classes she met Tegan when she was still a freshman. But that wouldn't happen anymore and she wouldn't meet anybody anymore because nobody occupied and would occupy her mind other than Tegan. She wondered what would Tegan do during her day. She did take a look at her schedule. Tegan had only three classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And she had two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They all started early. At eight in the morning. Sara had a class at eight and one at nine these three days of the week. Then at ten she had office hours and at eleven she had another class, it was the class for the first year students. It was an Introduction to Literature class. She liked teaching the subject, just couldn't bother to be patient with the mentalities of her students, so she wore the mask of evil bitch Sara Clement she's known for. In the remaining two days, much like Tegan, she had two classes, one from 8:00 till 9:30 and the other from 9:30 till 11:00. After that she decided she'd sit in her office for a bit if any student decided to come to her office, and if she's busy with something, she'd leave. But Sara wasn't busy with anything now. She had no one once again and her best friend was still working on the process of moving to Quebec to be near Sara. But Sara didn't lose hope, she insisted that her little place would be alive again once the beautiful brunette gave her another chance.

When she returned home, she took a nap. That's what she'd been doing for the past week she had returned and started working again. The university was welcoming her again only because Dr. Clark had finally had a child after eleven years of marriage. Sara didn't like Dr. Clark that much, and that could be the reason that made her aversion stronger, but the original one was that Dr. Clark had been married to the same man who she loved since she graduated college and had been happy since then, now she had the child she always wanted so now she's happier. Sara wished her life was that easy, she envied Dr. Clark, and disliked her because Sara's an atrociously jealous person.

When Jeremy returned to the apartment he and Tegan shared, he didn't find her on the sofa, in front of the TV, as he did almost everyday. She usually did her homework while watching a sitcom, laughing here and there while reading some parts or typing an essay. It was easy for her, literature was her game because that's what she had smothered herself with after the loss she had suffered.

"Tegan?" Jeremy called as he moved to the combined kitchen. He took a slice of carrot from the tiny ones Tegan had obviously been chopping along with cucumbers to have as a snack. "Tegan?" He called again, chewing on the orange piece. "Teegles?" Jeremy gave her another nickname, one nobody had given her. He loved her so much, he loved her a lot. He didn't care she didn't love him, he enjoyed the fact that their living method seemed so domestic and so real as if they were a married couple or a boyfriend and a girlfriend who had been dating for years.

He walked through the hallway and inside their bedroom, but there was no one in there. "Tegan?" He called again, quietly this time after he started hearing the soft voice of sobbing coming from the end of the hall. He looked at the clothes Tegan had worn this morning lying on their bed, then he walked to the bathroom and stood outside the opened door. That's how Tegan was asked to take showers. Since ever she started fainting whenever oxygen was much less than her requirement, she was ordered to be in an environment that allowed in air to pass through her lungs and keep her awake. The steam often made her dizzy and faint in the tub. So she now showered with only a curtain covering her body in the old bathroom. Not that she had to hide from anyone, Jeremy had seen her naked already, but a little privacy was always needed. "What's wrong, Tegan?" He asked her as he stood outside the bathroom, making her figure from behind the yellow curtain. She was washing her hair and crying, she was crying so much.

Tegan didn't know what to answer him. She knew he'd be coming home anytime soon. She knew she'd cry all day. She knew she needed to vent and speak to him, she simply didn't know how to do that. She cried more and cried till hiccups replaced sniffles. And he stood there all the time she was crying and washing her body and hair and crying more. He listened to her and she could see his shadow from behind the yellow curtain that separated them. Jeremy had been the most patient with her these past two years. He led her through slow recovery of mind and soul with affection and love, she took what she could get but never gave anything back and he was okay with it because he still somehow believed that one day she'd be in love with him. She knew she never would be because the only person she's still in love with was that same demon who's back again to haunt her life, which was why she's crying in the shower.

She appeared from behind the curtain and reached for her towel, Jeremy looked down at the floor to give her privacy. He saw her naked or half naked almost everyday, and she did too, but when the line's set, they both knew better not to cross it. He didn't look at her the whole time he knew she's drying her body and changing. He looked at the door frame, he also heard her soft sobs and her tired voice from all that crying.

"Are you hurt?" He asked her.

"No." She replied with a sob.

"Yes you are." He insisted, he knew her too well. "You're crying." She sobbed more. "Who hurt you?" Maybe he thought it was him, she always felt like she was hurting him and she really was, but she also knew that he felt that he was hurting her, but he really wasn't, not at all.

"Sara Clement is back." And there she broke down again, burying her face in her hand and shaking with tears meshing with pain.

Jeremy looked this time around because the shock of the sentence startled him too much to make him avoid the woman he loved. He looked at her shuddering, trembling form. She was dripping tears and water, he walked up to her and held her despite his lack of understanding. Sometimes she wished she loved him for everything he'd done to her and for her. Her life would've been much easier. "Let's go to the room. Let's talk in there." He took her by the hand and they walked to their room. She sat on the mattress and he handed her the remaining clothes she didn't get a chance to wear in the bathroom. She shivered while slipping her pants across her skin and while buttoning her shirt. "Talk, Tegan, when you're ready."

Jeremy wasn't sitting next to her, he was giving her space and standing against the dresser. "She gives me Poetry, first class, at eight." Tegan took a breath, he nodded. "I was sitting and she just walked there, as if noting had happened, as if nothing..." She couldn't continue when the scene returned to her head, she cried.

"It's okay." Jeremy assured her, not really convinced of his words.

"She looks so different. She looks older, but more beautiful and much healthier. I felt like she was addressing me whenever she said something but that's probably just me. Jer, I'm not over her and you know that. I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to face her, again. I don't want it to happen again. I don't wanna go through that again." Jeremy didn't really know what to say. He too didn't want Tegan to go through this whirlwind of emotions because of fate again. But it's like fate hated him so much, just when he was making Tegan soften her feelings towards him, this woman he couldn't compete with returned all of a sudden. Now Tegan would cry more, she'd be upset more, she wouldn't be able to get off the antidepressants soon, and she wouldn't love him.

Sara woke up after five hours of sleep. She stayed in bed, however. She flipped through the television, she read a book, she thought about Tegan and about Wednesday, but she mostly didn't bother doing anything productive.

"Is it healthy to sleep this much? Like I know it's mostly because of how lonely I've been feeling lately, but isn't it a sign of depression to sleep that much and stay in bed that much? I miss you and Ella around. You yelling at her and she making your life a living hell. I missed how noisy she is and how much you talked without shutting up. I miss when you bitched about Tony all night and then I obsessed about my student and we listened to each other. I miss Ella shitting her pants or peeing on your lap and you getting mad at her. I miss you guys." Stacy let Sara rant on the phone. She was stirring the dough with one hand, feeding Ella with the other, and she had her phone between an ear and a shoulder. "Are you there?"

"Ya." Stacy answered lowly. "I was just letting you vent." She blew on the spooned mashed potato and put it against her daughter's mouth. "Do you really miss all that? I thought we gave you a headache. I miss you too, by the way." Stacy rubbed her brow with her forearm and huffed. "Being a single mother sucks, you know. You were some kind of a moral support around, now I have a break down each night. I can't handle this kid alone." Sara knew what her friend was really alluding to, but she let it go.

"What's going on with your papers so far?" Sara asked.

"Still stuck. My attorney said a little more money and he can manage everything, but you know, being a nurse doesn't really give you much. My parents are helping with Ella already, I can't ask for more, so I'm just waiting." Her friend had been suffering the lack of economic independence since her divorce. Her ex-husband turned out to be a huge bastard in fact, he didn't even help with his own child. "Oh, Sara, by the way, if all worked out and everything, I can't really move until I'm secure with a job, so would it be a bother for you to search for me?"

"It wouldn't be. You're a good nurse, Stace, I'll find you one easily, don't worry about it." Sara couldn't wait till her friend moved near her. Sometimes it's a headache like the friend herself said, but loneliness was an epidemic. She knew if she stayed like this much longer she'd go back into her old depressed self. She'd lose her glow and her health once again and mourn and mop alone with herself. She didn't want to reach that point. She had a goal and she was set to get it. She just didn't really know how to do everything quickly and without any difficulties from life. But Sara knew life and she knew there must be difficulties in every gift this bastard presents once in a while.

Between hearing her friend's soft breaths and thinking too much, Tegan couldn't find a place for comfort to sway her into a peaceful sleep. She was on her side, turned away from the man sleeping beside her and thinking about the woman who had suddenly came back to make her think more after she found a way to think less. The running thoughts inside her head mainly consisted of questions about what she'd do if she was ever alone with Sara again. Would she act as if nothing had happened before? Would they both just keep it unsaid and pretend they hadn't shared a bed? That would break her even more. She also wondered about Sara opening the gates of love for her again, did she have the courage, the energy, and the will to return again? She denied it but she knew she would return. But she also knew that wouldn't happen ever again. She had messed with fire once, she shouldn't mess with it ever again.

"What you need to do is go right up to her and tell her everything from the day I didn't let her in till this day. You can't just wait for it to happen if you want it to happen." Stacy advised Sara. The professor listened and gave nods to her phone. "You're not a kid. These silly mind games of yours need to stop. You want someone you go get them." Her octave was louder, harsher, but that was constructive criticism, and Sara knew she should do what she's told. "You hear me, Sara? You're a grown woman. Just talk to her. Try every way. I'm not happy seeing you this way. One only lives once you know."

"And gets threatened to die each year...ya I know." The professor huffed, rubbing her temple. "Stace, you're right. I just feel like I was way too harsh with her the past days, but I was so tired, I was so disappointed with everyone and everything."

"Nobody should blame you. I'm sure she doesn't, or won't once she hears everything. Plus, she cheated." Stacy glared at her daughter as the four year old refused to eat what her mother was offering.

The more Tegan thought, the more the darkest corners of her mind lit up. The unconscious brought to the conscious. Desires glittered and flames caused her skin to ache with a need to distinguish every thought in order for her mind to rest. She turned around and took a look at her sleeping friend. She sighed, not really sure if what she wanted was to be touched or to feel a numbing sensation that could light her up like fireworks and shut her down all of a sudden.

She shook the boy who slept beside her, lightly at first, and when he groaned she shook him more. "Jeremy." She whispered.

"What?" He placed his arm over his face.

"I need you." She chose her words carefully to give him the purport of what she was suggesting, but her friend was too lost in his slumber to analyze words. "Right now." She added. Jeremy opened his eyes, he faced her and looked at her. She nodded, but he didn't get it at first. "Like last time." She took a deep breath, already turning around to face their closet instead of his face.

"Oh." He understood. That's what she wanted, and it was strange, she hadn't just asked for it by herself like that since the first few times they slept together. And what time was it? Jeremy lit the lamp next to his head, he grabbed his phone and squinted as he read 12:17 AM. That was strange to him. He wondered if his friend enjoyed what they'd done the last time they touched, or she was simply drowning in misery and needed to forget like these times she used to run to him and they ended up in a similar situation. It was probably the latter, but he liked to believe otherwise to satisfy his crushed ego.

"Don't forget the condom." Tegan reminded her friend. She stripped her bottom half and only lifted her t-shirt, massaging her now petite breasts in order to get herself ready for her friend.

A part of her wondered what her ex lover might be doing at the moment. She's most certainly asleep. She remembered how early she and Sara used to sleep on school days. On the weekends, Sara was such a hard-headed, lazy, sleepy head. She refused to wake up easily in any sort of way. And Tegan, like a child, she woke up earlier than any day she had to go to university on the weekends. It's a habit she had since she was a child. She and Ted used to wake up at seven in the morning on the weekends. Ted used to make lots of noises and ask her to do the same in order to wake their parents up. Then their mother would wake up grumpy enough to keep talking about how much of a badly behaved children they were.

She felt a hand over her arm, brushing softly, even though the texture of the hand wasn't as soft as Tegan had been used to from the two women she slept with. She looked over her shoulder when her thoughts were interrupted. He smiled at her with sleepy eyes and she smiled back. He started to kiss that arm, it also reminded her of Sara's infatuation with her arms, which made her adorn both of them with new tattoos, they weren't much, but they covered some memories on her bare bones.

When her best friend continued smothering her exposed skin with kisses and touches wherever he found a place he could hold, rub, pat, squeeze, or tease, Tegan was only being teased by the thoughts of her professor doing what her best friend was doing but to herself. She liked to think that at this moment of night, when the darkness was loud enough to hide suppressed ancient yearnings, when the stars gave up on dancing in the sky that held them, Sara Clement was chanting her name with closed eyes and a parted mouth. She liked to believe Sara still loved her while believing she didn't. At night it was easy to have daydreams about Sara again, especially when her friend touched her and she couldn't see him doing it. But Sara's touch was different, it was special through all its sweet and bitter, soft and rough, gentle and heavy practices. Every human had its own special touch, but she missed Sara's because she loved Sara.

"Are you okay?" She opened her eyes, looked over her shoulder and felt the wetness on her face. She didn't realize she'd been crying all the time her friend was trying to get her in the mood. "Do you want us to stop?" She shook her head right away, wiping a couple of tears, and that's when he knew she wanted him only to forget and nothing more. It always hurt him and it still did, sometimes he liked to hurt her as well, but he was too kind-hearted to do that. His mother always criticized him about this trait. She told him that everybody would step over him because he's a kind-hearted man and he allowed evil to pry on him. Tegan wasn't evil to him, however. She was just a woman he loved dearly and she didn't love him back. He liked to think the love would end one day and he'd fall for another woman, one day.

"Come on." Tegan placed her hand over her friend's hand, which was placed on her hip. She shifted her legs and slightly parted them , her hand moving down as she felt the hardness poking her bum. "I'm wet enough." She whispered, her hand took the shaft squeezed between them and placed it where she wanted it. "Come on, Jer." And when she pronounced his name, it lit up his need, making him push between her thighs till he poked at her entrance. "Yes, good." She moaned when the slow motion took a faster and a harder pace all of a sudden.

Jeremy's hand moved to cup one breast as the pleasure began to override their entangled bodies. He quickened his pace, knowing too well how her friend liked him doing her. When he placed kisses over her shoulder, she remembered exactly why she wanted to feel her friend fucking her this way all of a sudden. She remembered when her ex lover did that. It wasn't a happy time, and it wasn't the most comfortable position the first time she ever tried it. Her professor was in pain as well, and she was blabbering about some poem, ya, that poem. That poem, what was it called? Bodies? Two Bodies? Ya, that's what it was called. Then she cried, she remembered crying just the way she's doing it now.

"Oh, God." She panted with tears and sweated with sobs, she moaned with sighs and cursed with sniffles. "Fuck." Her eyes were tightly squeezed shut when the pressure had begun to build up in her entire body.

"You like that? Is that good?" And then she felt the touch over her clit to help her reach her climax and moaned in response. She'd been told that men never care about the woman's need. She was told that women mostly do not really orgasm when sleeping with men. Sara told her that it only happened at the end of her relationships, but mostly her men cared about her need as much as theirs. Jeremy was much like the men Sara described, he loved her, he always made sure he's making her feel comfortable and okay, wasn't bothering her or hurting her. Since she started sleeping with the man, no night of pleasure ended up without him making her reach where she wanted. If it didn't happen, he usually went down on her to get her off. She often asked herself if that would have happened if she returned the feelings. She assumed it only happened in hopes she fell for him and stated loving him, but it's not like she had some control over her heart. She had control over nothing in her body, that's what she realized. Not her mind, not her heart, not her soul. They all always went against her inner self or the norm or anything that's supposed to happen. They were her rivals, all of them.

"Oh my God, Jeremy." She took his hand and squeezed it. These little moments when she called his name, held his hand, kissed him, held him, allowed him near, always gave him too much hope. It gave him that kind of hope that making her reach a cloud of ecstasy was his priority. It fueled his passion and made him thrust and push as lovingly as he could and as she desired. He felt himself close enough and he felt her walls tightening around him. He heard her sniffling and moaning and he loved her loud showcase of pleasure. He knew she's already there, riding her wave of euphoria, he wanted her to last, so he took a handful of her bum and quickened his pace till he felt himself joining her in pleasure.

Her eyes were closed and her tears escaped through the slits, she knew she'd wake up with sore and puffy lids in the morning. She also knew she might walk a bit funny. It disgusted her, but she needed it. And because she needed it, she was okay with it. Jeremy knew how to get her there, she wished she loved him, she always wished she loved him. And she did try to do so, sometimes that love happened in tight seconds when she rode her orgasm and immediately died as she sobered up. If she loved him she'd have everything, every tiny thing she wished for.

But now she's back to reality, and now she opened her eyes, and now she's panting, and now her heart was racing, and she realized...she didn't love him. She never loved him the way she loved Sara. Oh, Sara, why couldn't she be with Sara? Sara gave her that pleasure, Sara, what's Sara doing at such an hour of the night? That made her sob. It made her sob so much and it also made Jeremy hop back to his own hopeless thoughts: Tegan didn't love him. It was a stupid hope after all. They both built whatever that was on some silly hopes.

She faced the boy after he pulled out of her and she hugged him. She sobbed onto his bare chest, and then he kissed her on the lips, she kissed back and then pulled away. Why was she doing that? Why did she do that? It felt great being loved, but fuck, it sucked loving someone else so fucking much. It sucked loving Sara.

Sara left her shower in a hurry, realizing she took too long shaving parts of her body. Growing her hair seemed a bad idea when she was rather late to class. Now she had to straighten it each morning and style it in a good way, and now her face needed make up according to her. Wrinkles found their spots on the corner of her eyes and her lips. They were honestly unrecognizable, but she saw them so it mattered to her to cover them up.

When she was done, she ran down and walked as fast as she could to reach the university she taught at. Now that's another bad thing. She didn't have a car anymore, she didn't have anything in this city. She had sold everything before going back. Now she's starting fresh. She rented a very small apartment close to their university until she's capable enough to rent something bigger. She still had lots of savings but she was hiding these for other things. She's still not sure whether she'd stay in this city or not, it all depended on getting who she wanted. If she succeeded, then she would, maybe. Whatever Tegan wanted. But that would be great if she accepted to stay in this city. It's the city they met at, Sara already had a job, and she could build her life again with her lover. But if Sara never won Tegan back, then Sara decided it would be too painful for her to stay in the city they met at. She decided she'd move again and teach somewhere else. It all depended on that person and even though it made her feel silly and childish, she believed that she deserved to be silly and childish after all the pain she'd been through.

When she reached a new class she had to teach, she realized her students didn't realize she's the professor, so when she entered the class, most of them did not enter after her, which made her slam the door as hard as she could and smirk at every seated form in class. Nobody knew who she was, none of these people she had taught. It's a Creative Writing class, weren't students here supposed to be fourth year students? They were, that's why she chose it. Or maybe she was wrong, she probably was. She sighed as she scanned the unfamiliar faces. She hated teaching new students, God, she hated it. She also hated going over her rules and her strategies each class, but she had to, just to make things clear for everyone. She hated indiscipline, she hated morning classes, why did she choose morning classes? Oh, right, because Tegan Rain always chose morning classes and she wanted any chance to be as close to her.

Said lady turned the knob and opened the door. She was late as well, and she was right, it fucking hurt walking in the early morning. At first her eyes were squinted and she was biting on her lower lip, she hoped she wouldn't get on whoever teaching this class's bad side for the first time ever. It was probably someone who had taught her before, but last night, when she dropped the Technical Writing course and chose this one instead, she didn't see who was teaching it. Lots of classes had no name of an instructor next to them, it bothered her. She wanted to know who's going to teach her, what if it was...

And it was, it was her again. The narrowed eyes slowly opened up till they were dilated. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." She mouthed underneath her breath. Was it her luck or her fate? What was it exactly?

The thing was, Sara heard her, she turned around and looked at her. She smiled because it triggered her instinct to do so, but then she scanned her ex lover and she almost gasped when she realized how awfully fragile she looked. Tegan also looked at her professor, they shared the same looks and Tegan also wanted to gasp when her eyes fell on her glowing ex lover. Was she ever unbeautiful? She's gorgeous, how could someone be this gorgeous? How could she be mad at someone and they still succeeded in pulling her in and taking her breath away?

"Ms. Rain." Sara nodded, ushering her in. But Tegan kept standing, was Sara allowing her inside when she's late to class? Unbelievable, still showing favours. Still the same old Sara.

"Ten of us outside actually. I was late, but they didn't realize you're the doctor." She managed to speak with respect, without any expression, and she won. No stutter, no lisp, no smile. She's not the same old Tegan.

"That's fine. You can all come in. It's the first time I enter this class." Tegan was the first to enter, and Sara looked at her from behind and watched her reach to the end of the class and sit at the last row. Then the students began coming in one after another with timid smiles towards Sara's way. "I guess nobody knows me here anymore. That's the last time I'm letting anybody enter after me. Is that clear?"

"Tegan?" When the class ended, she was glad Tegan was so out of it the whole time that she managed to be the last not only to leave but to realize class was over. Sara blabbered about what they're going to write and what she's going to let them indulge in and how writing was a matter of personal preference and nobody could tell anybody how to write. Tegan was thinking about the slight ache between her thighs, about Jeremy being down when he drove her this morning, and about Sara showing up everywhere she's going like one of these demons following her in her dreams. Therefore, Sara was lucky enough to finally get to talk to her alone.

"Dr. Clement." Tegan nodded, gathering her notebook and pen in her backpack, not wanting to look at the woman with the sparkling eyes.

"I can't believe I'm talking to you again." She took a breath and chuckled in awkward confusion at her nervous heart, she hoped it wasn't showing too much.

"Are you going to teach every subject I take this semester?" Suddenly, the student asked, shaking her head and staring at her professor straight in the eye. Let's be honest, her heart was a fountain of tears, but her mind was too frozen to show any sort of emotion. Perhaps all the crying she performed the previous day helped her stand still and not shed any tear in front of her tormentor.

"Is it a bad thing if I do?" Sara Clement was always a hard-headed one. Always ready for a fight. For a competition. For dirty games. She couldn't help it. Her octave rose and she stepped closer with an eyebrow raised and sharp eyes ready to kill.

"Last time I checked, it was dangerous enough standing like that near me." Tegan was right. And it probably still was. But Sara didn't care. It's that one semester. That fucking semester, it needed to be over even if it just started. "Let me be, Sara. Let it go. Let me graduate while I'm still half sane." The last thing she expected was to be called by her first name. Sara stood there, confused and startled, she watched her lover leave the class and go. She also heard her words clearly. But how come? That was the Tegan who loved her and wanted her and begged to be with her. How come she's rejecting her now? No, that's not her Tegan. That's not her same soft Tegan? That's another woman. But she didn't do anything, she pushed her away because she didn't want to hurt her and squeeze her inside her miserable life.

Tegan rejected her without her even asking to be back. Was she that obvious? Did she seem that clingy? That's not her. God, she wasn't clingy, she was the opposite of that. What made this woman different and why was she running to get her when she often didn't get attached after too long? She loved Jack till she saw Tegan, yet she never chased him back again. And this was harder than she thought it would be. It's going to take a long time. She needed to get Tegan to her office, she had to talk to her. She needed to call Stacy, she had to ask her how. How could she do all that? She sucked at that. When she wanted Tegan the first time around, it only happened until Tegan snapped at her and called her names. She didn't know how to confront someone, she didn't know how to tell someone she wanted them so much, she couldn't do that easily, she had never done it. But it seemed that Tegan knew her too well even though she spent the least time with her. Tegan guessed it right away and she ordered her to keep out right away. All she had to do now was try and try and try to win her back just like it happened in these stupid movies she hated so much.


	2. A Mother, A Lover, and A Friend

**Since I've written the first two chapters a long time ago, thought I'd share the second one right after the first in order to give you more information and more background, especially about Sara's situation since I'm following an omniscient narration with the focus on both Tegan and Sara the most.**

 **Thank you so much for the feedback and the reviews. That's what I really hate about this site, I can't interact or respond to everyone of you, though I do PM some when there's something that needs explanation or so. Thank you again, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well.**

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"Mama, I need your help." Was it true? Was it actually happening? Tegan never thought that the day would come and she'd be haunted by old storms once again. Well, she's already haunted by raging demons dressed in black and red, but those dreams, they were asleep...they were just dreams. Why did the slimy ocean have to throw a tantrum of endless apprehension and take her in once again? She was just getting out of the water, brushing seaweed off her foot, she was back to the safety of the land, but God, God, God, it had to happen again, the fucking ocean, it's always the stupid fucking ocean. It took her again, it's drowning her again, and it's locking her up inside again.

Sara's in there and she's now in there and now she's drowning with Sara, the monster of the ocean, the monster of the water, the mermaid in disguise, the witch with flaming eyes, the beautiful, oh so damn beautiful lady of the rocks.

Was it fate? Was it chance? Was it punishment? Was it even something? God, tell her, was it something? She's breaking down, she hadn't stopped crying since she returned. Why did she have to see her each day? Hear her? Remember her? Feel everything all over again and force herself to deny it! She's no fool anymore, she knew, she fucking understood, she's well aware of it, she fucking realized how it wouldn't end the way she wanted it to end. No, wait, it wouldn't even begin the way she wanted it to begin, it wouldn't be the way she wanted it to be. She wouldn't be with Sara, it's not the same. And Sara, Sara did play her, who did she think she was? Coming back and wanting peace and love again? No, no, no, Tegan offered her selfish heart many times and offered to stay through the darkness of these past days. But Sara kicked her away and now she's back, healthy, better, and she wanted her back again? Sara didn't even say it, but Tegan knew what Sara wanted from the stupid playful gestures she got too used to. She still repeated them over and over in her head once or twice a week before she crawled inside the land of silence with her slumber. So what's it like? How did Sara even want it? She's happy, Tegan's in? She's miserable, Tegan's out? That's not how things work. That's not how lovers stick with each other.

Oh God, lovers? Did she really think of that word? Sara's not her lover, Sara's her ex-lover, and her ex-lover _is_ dead, she dreamed about it. Even if metaphorically, that woman was dead. She couldn't be back. Why was she back? Why did she have to mess up with what this universe had planed for them? Tegan was supposed to get over her, marry someone, most certainly Jeremy, and live her life in endless despair with kids she's raising just because it's her fucking role to do that.

However, that's not the life Tegan daydreamed about, she daydreamed of other things, of love, of success, of happiness, but life was nothing but a scheming little con. Tegan was awaiting for her unhappy ending and expecting it...but then Sara Keirsten Clement came again, and even though in her mind Sara didn't mean happiness, she still meant prohibited satisfaction that tasted so fucking sweet on her tongue and rang so fucking beautifully in her ears and drummed so loudly in her heart and ached so terribly in her stomach. Sara meant memories, meant pleasure, meant lust, meant moments she relished till the highest levels of euphoria, Sara meant red tulips, Sara meant the mighty ocean, Sara meant the story of the ancient mariner, Sara meant glittering eyes, Sara meant poetry, Sara meant nature, and in nature Tegan cleansed her soul and embraced her anguish, and Sara, oh she meant nothing more than anguish, sadness, misery, pain, melancholy...and love. Sara meant love. And in real life, love was just a myth.

"What's wrong, Tegan?" Sonia's worry instantly crept to her insides. The connection she and her daughter had wasn't as strong as before. It was shaken, since ever her daughter moved away to Canada, since ever her daughter found a lover, since ever that lover left her. But in those times, Tegan always called, she always thought of her as the first option, the only option, and Sonia needed nothing but to still be on the top of her daughter's list. "Are you okay?"

"No." Tegan cried, as simple as that. She started crying. "No." She repeated with a sob. "Mom, she's back. She's back. She's fucking back." She spoke, she repeated, she cried, she broke down, again.

"Who? Who's back?" Sonia's mind couldn't select any human who'd been gone and now was back. Her mind was too anxious and too worried hearing her daughter breaking down. The last time she called her crying like that was when she and her guy friend slept together. Tegan told her she needed to vent and she couldn't find anybody better. Tegan begged her not to be judged. Sonia didn't judge her. She didn't ask her any of these trivial questions a simply careworn mother would ask. Sonia listened and made her feel better. Her daughter seemed to keep on erring. First she slept with her professor, then founded a relationship with that ill woman, and then she slept with her best friend, and also dated that best friend, and then she cheated on her with her other best friend. Her daughter scared her with every phone call. With every phone call Sonia dreaded the worst, and now there's another trouble her daughter had gotten herself into.

"Sara." Tegan whispered. She didn't know how to say it loudly, she couldn't decipher how her mother's reaction might be. But she needed to let it out. Jeremy wouldn't advice her and tell her to go to Sara, neither her mother, but she needed a point of view of someone who wasn't in love with her, of someone who didn't selfishly want her to themselves. Her mother was always on her side, but also her mother, and she knew too well, would tell her to stay away from Sara.

"Sara as in...?" And what Sonia had been dreading for the past two years was finally alive. _Why couldn't you wait another semester to send her back?_ God, why did she have to be back when her daughter was soon graduating?

She recalled too well the secretive meeting she had with the professor behind her daughter's back. It happened when she visited them. She remembered making plans behind her back. She remembered facing Sara Clement in some dark restaurant that the professor had picked. She remembered Sara's pleading eyes, Sara's honest love, she remembered all of them too well. She also remembered the deal she made with Sara. That day, she felt like she made a bargain over a product. It made her feel sick, but she had to do what she had to do to save her daughter. Sara promised her she loved her daughter sincerely, she also promised her she was looking for something stronger when her daughter was going to graduate. She was set on a family, a wedding, she was set on all of these, and she promised that's what she wanted. But Sara's disease banned her from all of that, all of a sudden, and Sara cried in front of her. Sonia didn't know what to say, she listened and felt terrible. But Sonia's condition was that Sara should leave her daughter alone while getting treatment. Sonia didn't want her daughter to be dragged into all of this. Her child was young, she was a kid, a baby, Sonia wanted her to focus on her studies not on a dying woman. So Sara told her that she'd leave on one condition, and the condition was that when she healed and returned, if she did, then she'd return to Tegan. Sonia agreed only because she found no hope in Sara's recovery. She's a doctor, she knew about that specific cancer. But here was her daughter telling her Sara was back.

"Yes...Sara. My professor. She teaches me. She gives me two subjects." Tegan cried more. She wanted to explain everything, she wanted to tell how beautiful Sara looked, how healthy she looked. "She wanted to talk to me after class but I refused and I went away." Sonia listened. She listened carefully and said silent prayers in her heart. "She's been trying to talk to me for that past week. I keep ignoring her. But I can't take it. I can't take it because it's so hard to look at her. Mom, she looks different. She looks healthy and beautiful. I can't take it. She smiles at me. She wants to talk to me." Sonia didn't know how to answer her daughter. And Tegan wanted a damn answer. "Mom, what do I do?"

"I don't know." That's the first time her mother had given her that answer. She always seemed to know what Tegan should do. But now she voiced her lack of knowledge. Even her mother didn't know what to do. "I'm so shocked."

"Me too. Imagine how I feel. I cry each night."

"What do you think she wants to talk about? Are you sure she's not sick anymore?" Sonia knew what Sara wanted to talk about. She also knew she's not sick anymore without having to see her to make sure. It's that old deal. Only a semester and her daughter would have survived without the the old woman.

"I don't know. I know nothing. I'm not giving her a chance...but I want to." It's as if Tegan was begging her mother to give her anguished daughter her blessings to go and redirect all her past emotions back to Sara. It's as if she was waiting for a sign that she didn't know, a push from someone other than herself.

"Tegan...I..." Her mother sighed instead of continuing. Who was she trying to convince? She knew her daughter would do what her mind would tell her eventually, it's Tegan after all. The same daughter who always followed whatever she wanted to do even after asking for an advice. The advice freed her from feeling guilty not taking permission and that's it. It's like by asking for help she's subtly alluding to what she's going to do. "Do what you want to do." Sonia snapped, she had no idea why she did that but she had enough. "Do whatever you want to, and please don't ask me about her again."

Hearing this, Tegan cried more. Was her mother refusing to help? Was it a way to show her she's fully against that woman? Her mother rarely yelled at her that way, not in these past days anyway. She hadn't spoken about Sara since ever. She didn't get why her mother had snapped. She shut off her phone and sobbed.

Sara had been trying to get herself in the mood for a sexual activity that involved only her hand for the past fifteen minutes. Between trying a few positions, different techniques to squeeze the juices out of her core, changing from one obscene video to another, she still didn't lose any hope. It usually took about ten minutes of work to start getting wet, but it seemed that it was getting harder and harder each time. After the surgery everything had been harder, not only the hormones she had been taking were making her extra emotional and extra tender in certain areas, but also getting wet was just hard labor after the removal of her cervix. Not to mention the slight sting and pain or the occasional bleeding that occurred normally. That's the way it was, that's what her doctor had told her. And that's the way it's going to be. Sex was going to be harder now, way harder and would require an effort. For sure, this made her confidence decrease to a much lower level, caused her some type of depression, and also made her think about Tegan's discontent with the whole issue.

Sara huffed and opened up a new video. She watched the two women getting it on and massaged her folds, putting pressure on her clit each few seconds, following that, she'd check if her wetness started slowly seeping out of her or not, when she met the agonizing dryness she would become more frustrated, and then she'd repeat the process. She tried to think of something else, of a sexy position that would involve her and a sexy woman. Because of the type of the lover that she was, that sexy woman was immediately exchanged to her student, and even though it ashamed her, it was always the most helping method. Often she'd imagine fantasies of her student sprawled on top of her office desk, and she would be doing her from behind, she'd be spanking her every now and then, and then she'd squeeze her cute bum and her student would scream her name. Often she'd think of her student joining their parts together and making her come like she promised she'd do if they had done it again. Most of the time, she'd just imagine or think of sweet, gentle, heavenly love making in a dark room, candles lit only to make it more romantic and to help in the purposes of seeing. She's a hopeless romantic and a foolish poet at heart, she'd even recite some medieval poems by her favorites, Marlowe or Spencer.

Except that this time none of her fantasies worked and she grew tired of trying after thirty minutes of unmet effort. She closed the tabs on her phone, she deleted the history, hid her face in her pillow, and resumed crying. Yes, she'd been crying before touching herself and she cried after. It's usually what she'd been doing if not speaking with Stacy (who made her cry more because of how depressing her once cheerful friend had become, also the fact that she still didn't know when to stop talking or whining or ranting played a heavy role) or not teaching.

The next morning, she groggily dragged herself to her office half an hour before her first class. After she unlocked her door and entered, she took her place on her chair and attempted to continue her slumber by resting her head on her desk. What was happening to her? A week full of rejection from her lover was causing her that much distress? She couldn't believe herself or what she's doing. She counted the hours, she always counted time because time played the major part in her life after what she'd been through. In the lapse of time she ran away from her reality, she wanted one thing and wanted it to happen quickly.

A soft knock made her raise her head up and remember who she was, where she was, and what's her position. When she looked up it was just her friend, Dr. Austin, which wasn't a bad thing, in fact, it was a good thing because she didn't desire for any student to see her in her state of misery before putting her icy mask on. "Oh, come in Dana." The professor sat up, a lazy smile immediately crept into her face.

"Well, here's your coffee, little grump." The other professor handed her a white mug with a pink animated pig on it. "You don't like the pig? It reminds me of you." The woman joked and Sara laughed.

"You always save me." Sara sighed, taking a sip. Dana sat on top of the desk, facing her friend. Dana had given up her Poetry class and gave it to Sara to teach, she took Intercultural Communication instead. Dana was in the British department, she was a British woman, she taught English Literature in the Nineteenth Century and English Literature in the Twentieth Century. Tegan didn't like Dana because she never got good marks with her, but she tried to avoid her mostly because of the fact she's the woman who once spotted her and Sara at the restaurant two years ago. Dana of course hadn't forgotten that, and Sara's been even closer to her lately, and when she was on healing hiatus she told her about her tale with her student.

"Well I need you to save _me_."

"What is it?" Sara took another sip, squinting her eyes.

"Babysit Matt and Sammy?" The woman smiled brightly after asking a favor of her friend.

"Ya, sure." That's an easy task for Sara. She loved kids, she was lonely, that's an easy job, why not? "When do you want me?"

"Okay, slow down, love." The woman laughed. "First of all you should know that I haven't slept in three nights because Sammy keeps waking up wanting me to feed her and then Matt would wake up and jump on my bed." It seemed like all women had the same struggle of not sleeping with a toddler or a young child. They all tried to scare her off, but she insisted on loving the feeling of being a mother, she thought her motherly instinct was just that enormous.

"Where's your husband?" Sara asked.

"Out of town. Some business back in London." Sara nodded. "So I'm warning you, it's not going to be easy."

"I've babysat a three year old who thinks every wall is her canvas, every sofa is a toilet, and every bed is a trampoline, the past year." Sara rested back in her chair with her famous triumphant smirk lightning up her face.

"Alright then, today at six?" Sara nodded. "I'll drive them to your flat."

"Can't wait." Sara joked.

"Still no luck, huh?" Dana knew about Sara's struggle, her conflict with Tegan, and everything that had happened.

"Not a single one." The professor sighed. "I don't know how to approach her, that's the problem." All she was offered was a sympathetic smile, but she wanted to vent so she continued, "I just want it to happen. I want to get her back with me. I want to..." She was afraid to say it, it felt too soon, too good, too unrealistic, too dream-like, but she demanded on doing it.

"You want to?"

"Marry her." Sara lowered her head, her index circled the edges of her mug. "And have a child with her."

"Well, she has to graduate first in order for you to do that."

"I know. She only has this one semester left."

"Do you know what are her thoughts on marriage? She's so young. Can she even handle something so big and so soon? Let's assume you guys are back together, would she be up for it? Marriage? Family? Isn't it too much on a kid?"

"She's not a kid, she's almost twenty-two." Nobody was allowed to label her beloved as a kid even if she herself considered the younger woman as a kid at times, but that was mostly because of her actions, not because of her brains or looks or any of that sort. And to be fair, Tegan looked older and way more mature than ever, again not only looks-wise, but her expressions, the distress Sara clearly witnessed the past three classes, her eyes, the way she looked at her, her body language, everything felt heavier, less lively, and when things were like that it meant she seemed older, or that's what Sara felt being older was...less lively.

"Before the whole drama and all, we made a deal that we'll try for kids right after her graduation." Sometimes she felt that she's the kid when she revised her words in her head. And maybe she was at heart, a kid, hoped for too much, got nothing, followed a spark, drowned in the ocean, and now she's back again like everytime she fell.

"You told me you only were together for two months. I can't be the judge of that, but I think you two need to know each other a bit more before entering such a...union, let's say."

"I've wasted so much time, Dana. I don't have time. I don't know what will happen. I just want to be happy with whom I love."

"What about her? Are you sure she still loves you?" And that's what Sara hadn't thought much of. Her heart told her that the woman she taught still felt for her, but the constant rejection worried her. She dared herself to win Tegan's love back. She needed that love, she needed it more than anything, the possibility of its existence was what was keeping her sane and what's making her hold on to a thin thread of memories and hope. She hoped for this love to crawl back and hit her with its warmth. She had to move, to step into Tegan's life one way or another.

Tegan was frustrated that morning, the whole argument with her mother, or to be more specific, lack of proper communication with her mother, made her furious the rest of the previous day. Her anger was mostly taken out on her best friend. She picked up different fights during the day. First of all she yelled at Jeremy for putting too much salt in the salad he made. Then she yelled at him for not giving her his dirty laundry on his own if she didn't ask. At night she kicked him out of his own room because she couldn't put up with him using his laptop while doing his work. She locked the door and slept. When she woke up, she saw him standing outside, he smiled at her, it made her more angry because she had had enough with his sweet attitude, she'd had enough with him putting up with her, therefore, she picked up another fight about how much she hated it that he was trying too hard. She hurt him with her words. Words about her not loving him no matter what he did, words about how much she really hated being at his home but couldn't choose otherwise, and words about how much she wished she'd wake up in some other place instead of his. Jeremy did not say anything after that, he left the apartment without even driving her to university. She instantly regretted what had left her tongue as she realized what her irrational mind had uttered. She didn't mean to say that, yet she couldn't help but snap at her best friend simply because she was angry with herself and confused.

Being around the woman who caused that anger did not help at all. Looking at her beauty did not help at all. Hearing her inspiring words did not help at all. God, she missed her. She missed her theories. She missed the way she spoke and the way she explained everything about her.

"And let's be real, is home really a sweet place? Home sweet home? Bullshit, right?" Her students laughed, Tegan smiled on her own. Sara was discussing the concept of home. One of the poems they were discussing was about how the speaker couldn't find their home, couldn't feel at home even after returning to their homeland. "I don't believe that your home is the place you were born in or the place you live at. Home is something internal, not external, not physical. It's within you, it's your body."

Sara was seated on her desk. She looked just a tad tired. Shadowed redness circled her eyes. Her black top was quite tight, and when she sat, her belly was accentuated for the eyes to see. Her breasts had grown in size and her cheeks were just a bit fuller than before. "The whole concept that home is sweet, home is the place where you feel comfortable, safe, secure, and can be yourself is a lie. Who can be themselves at their own home here? Or let's say your original home? Your family home? Anybody?" Nobody raised their hands, and Tegan remembered the prison she put herself in around her parents when she was a teenager. And now? She didn't even have a home, she's not herself in Jeremy's home, she's a fake, a fraud, a liar, a runaway. "See? Nobody. When you're at home you have to follow some rules, your parents', your partner's, you have to be this, do this, or any of that. You fight with your siblings, with your parents, you hide your true identity in order to survive, tell me where is the true comfort in that? When I leave home I take a good breath, I feel free, I feel good." Tegan also remembered Sara's hatred for her family home, she hated going back. Her ugliest years were those when she lived with her father under the same roof. "Home is actually whatever inside you. Home is yourself, your body. You'll find your true home when you realize that home isn't supposed to be a perfect sweet place. You'll find your home when you accept yourself with all your scary thoughts, your craziness, your love, your weirdness, your depression, your sadness, your happiness, your irritation, your misery, your everything. Home is when you stop being scared of who you are and start to accept living in this body and mind you're given. That's when home will be a sweet home despite the bitterness you now embrace and love."

"It's hard to accept yourself, doctor." A student interrupted the professor.

"I know that. It's not easy at all. It takes a lot of time. But accepting yourself is much easier and much more efficient than trying to change who you are. Changing who you are in order to adapt won't even work. Putting a fake mask isn't the answer, the mask will crack one day and everybody will see through you. Once you accept your own self, you won't give one single damn about any other opinion, you won't care about what anybody thinks of you." Tegan listened carefully, she listened and and processed the words in her head. She missed that preaching voice, dear God, she missed it heavily.

One time, she did consider Sara as her home, but she was so miserable, especially those last days. The paradox made her feel that Sara wasn't her home at all since home was supposed to be sweet and warm. But now everything was tossing and turning inside her mind. She was happy at a broken home she called Sara. Her misery with the woman and the struggle were still what she really loved about being with her. The hardest days were when she returned to America after Stacy closed the door in her face. She was so confused, she missed the parts when she cried because of Sara, she missed when Sara treated her as a child, she missed their arguments, she missed Sara crying with her. That was fucked up in some sense because Sara was hurt and while she was with Sara she hated all of these things, so why was she missing them in the first place? Now she had some answer, Sara's simply her home the way she was her soulmate, and she loved Sara in all her forms; angry, sad, quiet, talkative, wicked, lovely, happy, lusty, she loved Sara till this day and her love was rushing back in ways she didn't want to admit. But wasn't that what Sara said? She should accept this term of bittersweet home in order to feel peace within herself? She also said it's hard. Tegan was trying, she didn't want to give herself up to Sara without teaching the woman a lesson, without showing her how much pain she was feeling and had felt the past two years. If Sara really wanted her for real she had to beg, to plead, to fight for her, to promise her that these two months of misunderstanding should be compensated, to promise her a new start.

"We said twenty percent is on participation, right?" When Tegan snapped out of her thoughts, Sara was at the end of her lecture, looking at the sheets between her hands. "Okay, back row should watch out, none of you participate at all. Please start participating in class." And who was in the back row? Tegan and some boy she did not know. Here was Sara and her evil games, she was mostly directing Tegan and pushing her to talk more. It's always a game with this woman, never something honest and that's what Tegan disliked the most, but that's another quality about Sara she should accept, wasn't it? "And ten percent on the poem all of you are going to write at the end of this semester. Start practicing from now, I need good poems with lots of emotions." Sara winked, and even though she was looking at Tegan, the student still believed it was for the whole class not only herself. "Alright, that's it. You can leave."

Tegan stood up to leave, but on purpose this time, she made herself be the last to leave. Sara rejoiced with her smile. "Tegan Rain," That sweet voice, that sweet octave, she loved it. "wait a minute, please."

"I have a class to go to." Tegan walked to the door.

"Just a minute." Sara begged and Tegan stood right at the door. She looked at the woman from head to toe, Sara blushed in return, her ears burned in color. "Can we talk?"

"Here we are." Tegan insisted on being as cold as Sara had been with her.

"You don't understand anything. Please let me explain everything."

"No, I don't understand anything. I never do, I'm just a naive little selfish baby." She drew on a sarcastic smile and walked away as quickly as she could. She shook her head, swallowing tears she was sucking inside. Why was it so hard to fight her emotions and freeze them? She did that around everybody, why was it so hard to do it around Sara? Next time around she'd probably break down in front of her. She didn't want that.

"Where are you? Aren't you coming back?" With extreme exasperation, Tegan screamed through the phone. "Jeremy, come back home." It was six and her friend hadn't returned to his place. He usually returned at four. She decided to call him, he told her he's somehwere else.

"I'm just leaving you alone to chill." He responded.

"Where are you staying at?" She paced around the kitchen, biting her short nails and taking several quick breaths.

"At a friend's." He answered.

"Who is it?" She asked again.

"None of your business. We're not dating, isn't that what you always point out? We're not together. Why do you care? You don't fucking care. Why are you asking?" Maybe that was the second or the third time ever her friend yelled at her. Tegan didn't know what was the feeling that accompanied the loud tone, but it's something like ire, also a rush of guilt, and a need. Why did she want the man all to herself when she wanted another person? Was she that fucking selfish?

"It's your place, that's what I meant. I'm the one who should be leaving, not you." Her friend didn't give any answer, she listened to his breaths, and he listened to hers.

She didn't care, she didn't at all, and that disappointed him, also angered him. "You're at Emy's?" Her persistence to find out if her guy friend was with the other friend she wasn't on good terms with wouldn't shut down. She couldn't give it up.

"Tegan," Jeremy breathed. He knew what he was going to say was going to sound harsh, he knew it's going to hurt his friend, but he'd been around that moving mess for the past two years, it's time to stop her, to put her in her place. "listen to me." She was waiting, listening, ready to explode and to attack. "You're a fucking mess. You've been a fucking mess for the past two years. You've been a fucking mess since Sara left you. The thing is, in this mess you're dragging every human being close to you to whatever misery you're feeling. You fucked up many times and all of us kept quiet. Yes, I do love you, you do know it, and you hate that I am so patient with you. So I guess now I can just show you and tell you what I really feel. You hurt Emy, you hurt me, you hurt yourself, and you won't even stop." He took a breath, she listened with a raised brow and a look of disdain and mockery. "Now that woman of yours is back and you're doing your best at being the bitchiest person on planet earth. Seriously, if you love her so much go fucking back to her, what are you waiting for?" He yelled, he didn't even know he had it in him, his other friend sat beside him, she was looking at her hands while he was speaking. "I don't know if you've forgotten but you're the one who cheated on her? Stop making everything about you, for heaven's sake, stop thinking about what you want. You don't even listen, you don't even think, you don't even look around you. It's all about the Tegan kingdom, it's all about your fucking thoughts and feelings while all of us are just victims of whatever shit you pull all of a sudden." Tegan closed her phone, she couldn't handle hearing that.

Perhaps an abyss in her mind was well aware that the criticism she had just gotten was more than just accurate, it held the sense of realism in it, but her denial had always been an inherent trait inside her damaged thoughts. Her tears flew because she was also in check with the accuracy of every word she heard. Her brain ached and her fear surrounded her. Not again, God, not again. But it's happening again. Same ancient feeling, same ancient tale, it's not going to depart her being, wasn't it? Should she follow Jeremy's words and just be with the woman since she still loved her? But she couldn't find any trust in that woman, she would doubt every second around her. If the woman truly wanted her she'd be knocking at her door or chasing her at university the way she once did. No, the woman didn't want her, the woman wanted to explain some shit to her, that was all, that was it, that's what Sara wanted.

As for Sara, she was having a harder time than she thought she'd have while babysitting her friend's children. The baby was easy to handle, but the devilish three year old boy reminded her of her friend's daughter. Her place was small, and the boy had already torn a couple of leaves from her plants near the door. He also made sure to throw everything above the coffee table on the floor, as well as scribbling on her wall with a pen he had found inside a book she had been reading.

Sara put her phone on speaker in order to be able to feed the infant and watch what the boy was doing while still talking to Stacy. She switched on to the cartoons channel and he finally calmed down and sat, but then his sister started crying.

"You're an idiot, I swear to God." Her best friend spoke through the phone as she tried to see if Sammy needed changing. "You have her damn number, call her already...Ella for God's sake, I'm going to kick you out so you can sleep in the street if you don't stop jumping on the sofa." The last sentence was yelled harshly into Sara's own living room, making the girl cry harder and the boy turn his head and laugh at Sara's misery.

Sara tried to burp the infant, she patted her back and rocked her just a tiny bit, but it was no use. "It's just that she's my student, I just don't want to go through the same old shit again. I really don't want us to hide and be secretive and afraid all the time."

"What are you going to do then? Do you want me to talk to her? Oh wait, you said she doesn't like me. Why doesn't she like me? Am I that much of a bad person? I mean, yes, I am kinda annoying sometimes, but I was so nice to her. Oh my God, Sara, you should see what Audrey did the other day at your grandparents' house..."

"Stop talking for one damn second, I'm trying to make this baby shut up." Sara screamed.

"Oh, sorry." Sara tried to give her the bottle again, but the baby refused the offer by turning her head to the side and continuing her loud shrieks. "Oh, it's that cry. I know that cry. This one is the boob cry. Nothing will shut her up but the boob."

"I'm giving her the bottle." Sara tried again, but her efforts were unmet.

"The bottle is different from the boob."

"What's the damn difference? They both have milk." She was thinking of giving up and leaving the child sob till she's tired and fast asleep.

"It's about the bond with the mother, she wants her mum, basically." Sara sighed and rubbed both her eyes, she was tired, she wanted to go to her bed and just be alone with her thoughts, her anger, her sadness, and herself. "When you become a mum you'll know."

Sara chuckled. "I won't know." She leaned back on the sofa, thinking about everything she wished to have or be and everything she lost and couldn't be. "It's not like I'll be the biological mother, the one breastfeeding and all."

"Are you getting yourself sad again? Don't do that. Yes, you'll know. What's the difference from the father? He doesn't breastfeed nor give birth nor carry, he still have the instinct and the bond with his child." There was a moment of silence before Stacy continued, "Honestly, I don't know why you're so eager to have children. You think it's easy? You think it's cute? Honey, it's not. The responsibility you'll have will literally deprive you from even thinking about yourself or doing anything for yourself. It's just a way to waste your life in my opinion."

"Stacy, please." She huffed loudly into the air. The baby's cries have decreased into low stifled sobs. Sara hadn't noticed that her gentle patting to the girl's back was the reason for the quiet she needed. "Just because you have a devil child, doesn't mean I will have one. Plus, you're a person who's easily irritated from everything, I'm not like that." Sara looked up to find the boy standing in front of her, crotch wet and a shade darker than the color of his pants. He smiled at her while covering both his eyes behind his tiny hands.

"You know what? Fine, I hope you talk to Tegan, marry her, be fucking happy, get not only a child but three, all at once. Yes, you'd probably love that, twins or triplets, and they're all just like Ella. By then I'll be so fucking happy for you and I'll be laughing so fucking hard at the misery you'll be facing." Sara wasn't hearing anything from the blabber of her friend, her eyes were widened and her misery was indeed thickening.

"You peed your damn pants?" She said with a high tone, she was in a state of disbelief. "Why did you do that?" She continued in that tone, simply because she just wanted to shoot herself. "Why didn't you tell me to take you to the bathroom?" Her friend was laughing through the phone, she couldn't handle it. "You," She spoke louder, and her friend already understood she was being directed. "I'll talk to you later." And she pressed the red button to end her call without hearing anything more from the irritatingly laughing woman.

 **...**

"What we're going to do today, or what _you are_ going to do today, is write a love letter." Sara faced her students as she spoke. She toyed with the zipper of her olive-colored jacked unconsciously.

The previous night she slept as soon as her friend's kids were gladly deported back to their mother. She cleaned her small place because leaving it a hideous mess was not an option, and then she slept. She woke up earlier than usual, she cleaned again, then she dialed the number she shouldn't be dialing at dawn. Nobody picked up. Sara didn't try again. She had her breakfast and headed to university.

"It's always easier for us to write than speak. We, human beings, find it terrifying to express emotions verbally, we hide beneath words we scribble down. How many of you do not speak on the telephone but text instead?" Sara asked, and one of the raised hands were her lover's. Their eyes met, Sara smiled, Tegan did not return the smile.

When Tegan woke up after a rough night of endless sobbing and regret, she found a missed call from a strange number. Tegan was not stupid when it came to technology, she had all the apps that everybody was using. One of these apps was Truecaller, it was an app that one could guess the anonymous numbers that had called them through. She found Sara's name right away. That was not the first time something so similar happened. She remembered a couple of times Stacy's number was one of the many calls she had gotten. But those calls stopped. When Stacy rang, she would pick up, she'd say hi, but nobody would be answering, and the call would end. Sara called and Sara wanted to speak and she knew that. Only that part made her feel better. She did hate the fact that her heart still skipped a beat whenever something warm came out of her past lover, but she couldn't help it, she still loved her, she couldn't deny it. But she also hated her, in different ways.

"See? Me too. I don't like speaking on the telephone. It's not because I'm not confident, it's just because I don't know how to express my emotions. I have a friend and she's rather talkative," Sara chuckled as she spoke. She looked at Tegan, a faint smile adorned her face. "she would talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours. She'd gossip for ten hours straight without taking a breath, but when it comes to it, she's the worst to tell you how she truly feels, she would become a coward, she'd shut down and push you away. She cannot express love through words." Tegan was well aware that Sara's best friend was the directed woman. She wondered if Sara was giving an accurate account of the woman. Stacy didn't seem as such, she seemed as someone so honest with all their interactions even the ones that had to do with love and hatred. "She expresses it through actions, or terrible choice of words. This had gotten her into many troubles in the past. People misunderstand her and even myself does that at times." Tegan listened and tried to connect whether Stacy had been in any way kind to her and she understood it differently. Sara did tell her that Stacy's actions were out of care and nothing more. But Tegan always felt skeptic about that kind of care.

"But one time I told her to write. I sat down with her and told her to write her feelings. She was going through a lot back then. She started writing and I thought she'd write as much as she speaks. But I only got one sentence out of her. That sentence spoke many things I tried to understand for all the years I've been her friend."

That one sentence was: _I'm in love you_. It was written in a small font, a scared font. Sara read it and everything made sense to her. She already did have her doubts about Stacy's affection towards her, but she didn't really think it was that alive and that vibrant until that summer of 2014 when Stacy admitted her feelings. Back then, Sara was bald and tired. Stacy was dealing with her divorce and with getting the custody of her daughter. When Stacy kissed her, Sara didn't pull away, she needed the kiss because it nourished her and made her feel like a young woman once again. But when things were about to go farther, Sara put a stop to it. The stop made her friend cry. That was one of the very rare times she witnessed her crying so honestly in front of her. Stacy barely cried. One time she cried when she fell and scraped her knees, when she and Sara were young children playing in the backyard. The other time was when her first boyfriend broke her heart and cheated on her. The third time she cried was when she was giving birth, Sara had been there, she witnessed her tears of pain. The fourth time when she knew Sara was diagnosed with cancer. The fifth time she cried when she told Sara she and her husband were getting a divorce because she'd been cheated on again. But that was a very small cry, it ended as soon as it started. But Tegan saw it, and she felt strange in seeing it. The sixth time Stacy cried was when Sara refused her love, and the last one was when Sara almost died in May of the previous year. She stayed strong for the whole night. Doctors in, doctors out, Sara's mother was crying, even Jack came to town, and then Stacy broke down in front of all the strangers and all the friends and family. Sara kept looking at her, she hadn't cried that much since she ever knew Stacy, unlike herself, she cried so many times that she bet Stacy named every tear by then.

Tegan did not only marvel at what Sara was speaking of but also was developing her old habit of jealousy once again. It's like that powerful feeling had been asleep for the previous year and a half she and Sara were apart, and once the woman of her desire returned, the feeling accompanied her as well. Same old story, same old feelings, what could she deny to deny? There was no hope in denial when she knew it too well.

"So that's why I want you to write a love letter, to whoever your lover is. I'm a woman who doesn't judge. I'd read your letters and imagine what you're trying to say. The conditions are, honesty is highly required, be honest with your feelings and emotions, and use simple words to express what you feel. You don't have to be poetic, you don't have to use metaphors, just be honest and try to let it out of your system."

"Isn't it a bit not fair that you'll get to read our love letters while we won't get to read yours?" A student asked flirtatiously. Her voice was sweet and her eyes were charming. Tegan stared at her, while not noticing that Sara was staring at her instead.

"I promise you next class I'll write mine and I'll say it out loud." Then Tegan looked up at Sara and their eyes met for the second time. Sara's ears were red as well as her face, and Tegan's heart was beating and thumping harder than it had been. "Even though I'd have to master the courage in order to do that, but I've been trying lately to be more vocal when it comes to expressing feelings. Not only my friend, but also myself had gotten in many hardships due to my distant tendencies." Sara smiled at the student she answered, but Tegan noticed the pupils which were shifting to the right in order to take a look at her. It kept getting harder the longer she was around the woman, and she was afraid she'd lose the battle she was the only one fighting in.

But when it came down to writing her letter, she simply didn't know what to write. She had a lot to say and she needed to know many things. She was very much against the idea of sharing her feelings to the woman who most probably asked that task in order to get some words out of her. What could she say to Sara anyway? A love letter, really? What love she was imagining? The only love she felt was one broken and shattered and the lady who held the other part of the love was standing far away and not willing to express it the way Tegan wanted her to. Sara chased her once so why not again? She wanted the chase because she didn't want to give Sara the idea she was easy to love then leave. It happened once and if Sara was actually into the idea of wanting it to happen again, she had to know that if it happened she wasn't going to pull Tegan away from her just to return again after a destruction she caused.

Sara collected each letter before dismissing her students. She took a quick glance at each letter in order to make sure the names were written and words were said. "Tegan Rain, follow me to my office right away." Sara raised her head after reading the one sentence her student had written: _I have nothing to say_. It was unprofessional and Sara did not look past it. She herself made the entire class write the letter in order to understand her student a little bit more. She did expect some resistance but nothing as that. When she ordered her student to follow her, she said it in front of the class with an enormous amount of anger seeping out of her tone and escaping her glassy irises, reaching at Tegan's figure and making her nod her head quickly without much thought.

Sara dismissed her students and waited for the student she was extremely angry with to rise up and follow her. When Tegan stood up, everything in her body was against following Sara. "I have a class, I can't follow you. Just say what you want." She instead said as coldly as possible.

Sara nodded her head and looked down at Tegan's letter. She reached for her pen, scribbled what Tegan couldn't see and handed the piece of paper back to her student with fixed eyes never moving or blinking. "When I ask for assignments you follow the rules without any unprofessional follies." And then Sara left with so much confidence despite the fact her heart was sinking, aching, and swollen with grief.

"A zero?" Tegan whispered to her own self as she read the grade out of ten. All her fears and all her hesitance felt small near her rising anger and furry. She felt the heat climbing up to her face, she felt her heart drum and her eyes sting. She was too far up her own ass to take anything seriously. She was too much into the idea of wanting to put Sara under her mercy, forgetting the marble statue that Sara actually was, the iron woman that she portrayed too well. Sara was strong and confident no matter how frail and fragile she really was. Even the last time she saw Sara, she was in her office with her concrete mask on display, her words were measured, her actions were sane, and her emotions were frozen. She only broke down behind the four walls she once called home. She broke down for seconds and returned back to her frosty state. And this frosty state had always been the reason for Tegan's submissiveness, Tegan's ruin, and Tegan's doom.

And Tegan found herself again dragged by a force much bigger than her to Sara's hellish door. She couldn't control it. It was her heart, yes her heart, it drummed at Sara's door while she knocked with her two shaking hands. The beating matched the knocking and there she was again, thrown at Sara's feet. Her defenseless heart caused all the issues again and took her where everything had once started. What was she doing? Her heart, it was beating and it was craving Sara's absence at the same time. It was beating and it was coveting her torture as well. She was standing in front of her and she was wishing to be somewhere else. She wanted to speak but she was too sad, miserable, angry, and tired to say anything.

"Tegan." Sara looked up at her, with that same pride and that same mask. The student walked and stood in front of her professor. She looked at the new bigger office but didn't focus much. She looked at the plants beside her and back at Sara. "Can I help you?" She shook her head and almost cried. It was not happening again. No it was not. She took a breath and showed her paper to her professor. She really thought Sara would say what she had to say, but she should have known better, Sara only played games. Damned be her heart for beating out of childish excitement. "I told you the rules, you didn't follow them. I'm sorry, I can't fix it for you."

"But I'm being honest. Your rules were honesty...I'm being honest." Tegan swallowed the lump in her throat and regained her composure. Sara expected the break down, but it didn't happen. Tegan had changed, unlike herself.

"You know how a letter is written? Dear whoever, something something something, with love, and then your name." The professor explained, her eyes were on Tegan's hand. That small hand was toying with one of Sara's leaves. Tegan wasn't aware of it, but when she saw Sara staring she looked at the leaf and didn't remove her hand. "The plant. You're hurting my plant." Tegan looked at the green plant again.

"Does that bother you? Huh?" Childishly, she tore the leaf and then the other one, then the third, and then punched the green plant. Sara's mouth was wide open, her eyes dilated and her anger was slowly rising. "What are you going to do? Give me an F? Deprive me from the subject? You can't do that. You won't do it. You just can't."

"What are you doing?" Her high pitched question made Tegan look at her. "Why did you take it out on the damn plant?" A tear rolled out of Sara's eyes and Tegan was not sure whether she had broken the mask, or it was already broken. She was also not sure whether Sara was crying because of the plant or because of what she said.

But Sara, she was crying because she felt utterly helpless with her own emotions, she wished to speak and just say what she wanted to say but she couldn't.

"You want a love letter, Sara?" Tegan shook her head, she as well started crying. "What do you want me to say? What do you want to hear? The fact that you pushed me away and it damaged me for the past year and a half? The fact that I never understood you or what you wanted? The fact that you always treated me like a little child who understood nothing and couldn't understand what you were going through? Or the fact that I waited for just one text message after the dozens I sent just to make sure you're alive until I completely lost hope? And then all of a sudden you appear perfectly fine, acting like nothing had happened, and you just want to casually talk? Is that how easy I am to you? I don't know, a moment's distraction? A fling? You want me when healthy and push me away when ill? Is that what you want me to say? Isn't it just easier to say that there's nothing to talk about? Yes, I cheated, I'm an ass, I regret it, I'm paying because of that, I'm still fucking paying everyday. But you're worse, Sara. You know it, you just don't like to admit it." She took a breath, she shook her head at herself and at the woman with bowed head and tears staining the empty letter on her desk. "Do you want me to continue or is that enough?" Sara shook head and sniffled.

"Please leave." Sara said when she finally looked at her student. Tegan saw the redness, puffiness, and exhaustion clearly on the woman's face. Dark lines of mascara ran across her cheeks, make up fading away the more she sobbed.

Tegan left her professor's office, wiping her tears, and walking as fast as she could in order not to be seen. Sara did not answer her, she didn't say anything, she asked her to leave instead. Typical Sara and Tegan expected it to happen. Despite everything, the woman was still rigid when it came to letting out her emotions. If that's how they were going to start again, Tegan didn't even want to think about it. That felt like an ending to her, it was never going to be the same, and even though she loved Sara, it was too hard to absorb the fact that they could build a relationship with all the gaps they hadn't filled. If Sara was ready to fix her mistakes, Tegan was also willing to, but the younger woman needed answers, and what Sara did was only push her away the same way she had done before.

Tegan left university and went back to her friend's apartment. It was better to break down by herself than sit through hours of torture and anxiety.

Her friend was there when she opened the door and sat on the floor. He walked up to her and stood while she sat.

"What are you doing here?" She sniffled and wiped her tears. "I mean, aren't you supposed to be at work?" He knelt down next to her and helped her up.

"They gave us a day off. Boss out of town." She nodded and walked towards the bedroom. So many things were supposed to be said but she didn't have the energy to ask and Jeremy didn't have the courage to start speaking.

He felt as if he was cursed, whenever he looked into her eyes he forgot why he was angry with her. When he was sleeping on Emy's couch, he missed Tegan's presence and Tegan's scent next to him. He knew she didn't love him, why did that make him so upset when she was too honest about it? She was a lesbian, he was sleeping with a lesbian, and her lover was still around after all. Even though Tegan consented on sleeping with him, touching him, and even cuddling with him at rare times, she still didn't love him the way he loved her. But the fact that she was okay with giving him her body said something to him, it meant that she trusted him. That always lit a spark of hope in the depths of his hopeless thoughts. His main priority was always to make her happy, whether in everyday interactions or in bed. He made sure to show her the love he possessed for her and to make her feel it through every touch, thrust, or kiss, even if it made her disgusted with herself.

When Tegan plopped down on the mattress, her cries increased and her wails became louder. She covered her eyes and cried more. Jeremy looked at her body and sat where her feet rested. "Did she hurt you again?" He asked.

"Did she ever stop?"

"Do you want to go back to her?"

"Not when she keeps acting like that."

"Like what?"

"Like a lot of things." The cries never stopped. "That's not a way to love, is it?" She uncovered her face and looked at her friend.

"How can I know?" He began taking off his friend's shoes. "People love differently."

"When you love someone you don't push them away." Her parka was off then. She looked up at her friend's eyes. "You never leave me and that's why I like being with you." Because she knew she loved attention and care.

"I don't think so." Jeremy unzipped her pants and then slid them down her legs. She didn't mind, she kicked them off. "You're just like everybody. You love torture, you love to chase and if somebody chases and wants you, you don't love them." That was not true to her, she desperately wanted Sara to chase her. "I think it's human nature."

"I don't agree." Her sweater was out of the way and her friend was sitting between her parted legs. "I want her to chase me." She nodded when her friend tugged at the elastic of her underwear, lifting her butt off the mattress to help him take it off. "I wish I could love you the way I love her." Then she said, right before her friend's face met her sex.

"But you don't." He whispered and kissed where she wanted the most. He always tried his best to give her what a woman could give and even more, but he never did, simply because he wasn't a woman. She did love having sex with him because he took care of her needs and of her, especially after sex, but why her heart felt ill after every intercourse was something she wasn't able to understand. "I wish you do, but you don't." Her friend said again while lapping at her clit.

To Sara, love was easy and sexuality was fluid so why wasn't it to her? Maybe she could love men, maybe, but not her friend, maybe. She wondered, if she ever forgot Sara, she might, perhaps, fall in love with Jeremy, eventually. No, that was way too unrealistic to her brain. She'd have sex with him, marry him, have children from him, but never love him that same way she loved Sara. She wondered whether she held some type of love towards him, _that_ kind of love, but less than loving Sara. It felt absurd to think of it. It was just so silly to be in love with him.

"And you won't." Jeremy said again.

Her moans increased and a gasp was released when she realized her friend was crying as well. That wasn't the first time he displayed such emotions because of her lack of love but each time felt eerie and felt strange. He was a man, and he cried, society wouldn't agree but he didn't care. He cried because he loved her and she cried because she loved Sara.

And there she was allowing him to give her an orgasm and crying while down on her while she thought about Sara and cried about Sara. She cried more when she realized that not only Sara should stop her old ways, but she too must stop throwing her body at whoever offered to take it in order to sooth her pain. It was like sex was her drug and she took what she could get. If she really was willing to go back to Sara she should stop sleeping with her friend in the first place. But that was too late, she was already having an orgasm and her head was already far away from rationality to think of stopping.

"She made me cry." Sara sniffled while she wiped whatever she thought there was above the coffee table. "In my office." More tears fell. "Why do I love this way and why can't I just talk? She makes me cry like I'm a child."

Stacy wanted to say a lot of things. She was a woman with a mind and a body and she loved Sara. She was a woman who didn't make Sara cry. Yet, Sara didn't even think of her that way at all. She wanted to tell Sara to get over Tegan, but she knew that wouldn't happen. She was the one helping Sara be with Tegan through subtle ways. All through Sara's illness, Stacy made sure where Tegan was going, staying at, and who she was with. She knew people, and those people helped her to help Sara. She didn't know why she did that, but her love for the woman was just too much to waste an opportunity to please her.

"I just don't know how to get her in."

"Win her trust." Stacy sighed. Her daughter had finally slept and she had the time for herself. She decided to watch TV and drink some wine, but then Sara called crying, and she had to lose the time she specialized for herself again. "Slowly."

"I don't know how to do that. Stacy she doesn't know that I did what I did because I love her." Sara was frustrated.

"Show her it's because of it. I don't know, Sara. Just do what suits you. Let me tell you about how my daughter bit Audrey's son the other day. It was hilarious, your mum laughed so much I thought she was drunk. I think she drank, though."

Sara kicked the foot of the table as her anger rose. "What is up with you and this woman? Are in love with her? Just one damn phone call without her name would be fucking nice." She yelled at her friend, who was just laughing at her friend's childish frustration.

"I'm not in love with her. I actually just really hate her and I just can't wait to move so I never have to see her face again."

"When are you coming? I found you a job at three hospitals so far. And two apartments in my street. " Even though she was planning to move if she ever got Tegan, but the idea was taking too long to become reality.

"I don't want to jinx it by telling you, but hopefully in two weeks. Everything's going as planned." Stacy said.

"So what do I do now?" Sara bowed her head again, looking at her lap.

"Show her you love her. Chase after her you idiot. That's what women want, they want to be chased." Stacy shook her head and gave an advice to the woman she loved.


	3. Letters, Doctors, and Proposals

"Your letters. Wow." Sara looked at the corrected sheets in her hand. She read all of them. She went through her students' emotions and feelings. She tried to connect their hidden experiences to her own. She tried to see who was hurt, who was in misery, who was dying because their lover wasn't paying attention to them. Her conclusion was that all of them, all her students, everybody was miserable in their own way. And misery loves company, Sara loved feeling she's not the only fool in the game of love. "They're full of emotions, of sadness, of feelings I didn't know you would express so openly to me," Sara said. She smiled at her students and took a seat on her chair. "It's only fair I share with all of you my feelings. The thing is...I'll have to share them in the open. I tried my best..." She looked at Tegan, who was as frozen as ice, then continued, "To be be true to myself and my feelings. I hope no judgments come my way. What I have written is rather personal in the most implicit way possible. But that's because I'm your professor and you shouldn't know much about my personal life." Sara took a breath when she saw Tegan swallowing. She saw the lump descending down her throat. "But because you guys were so honest with me, I'm going to be honest with you as well."

Tegan took several breaths. Sara didn't know she was counting to ten, trying to control herself, trying to sit through her own hidden misery.

"I'm going to start right now," Sara announced. "Alright." She chuckled, unfolding the sheet she had in her coat pocket. She sat all night writing, tearing the letter, writing it again, ripping it off, drinking wine, writing again, crying for a bit, then trying once again. She hoped the letter didn't reveal too much or too little. She wanted to tell Tegan how she felt while still remaining fair to her other students and hiding her actual emotions from strangers. She was scared. She was just starting to open up and it did scare her to do so, but she's a wise woman and wise women did what they had to do for love.

"Dear X."

Sara smiled, lifting her head up. Her students laughed at her attempt not to reveal the name. Tegan didn't smile, she was too anxious to do so.

Sara read again, _"Dear X._

 _When I was sixteen I used to write love letters for nobody in particular. They were cheesy and full of love. I used to smile at romantic movies and dream I was the lover receiving that letter in a bottle. I used to daydream of a happy ending. I used to imagine myself in a small house. My lover would return from work, we'd kiss. Then my lover would ask me about the children, and my children would come out of their rooms. They would hug my significant other and we'd smile. I used to imagine that's how my own film would end and that's the last scene before the credits would roll._

 _Without having to explain, you were well aware of my circumstances until the day I pushed you away. I do admit I pushed you away._

 _My father never asked my mother what was wrong when she was crying or hurt or sad. My mother did not smile much when my father was around. I always wondered if I was the reason they acted so coldly towards each other. But then I grew up and took their ways. It occurred to me that it was something in our genes. Till now I'm not sure if my parents loved each other but I know that because of me they stayed together all through the years. So I made a rule: I wouldn't want anybody attached to my burdens when they were too much to take. Therefore, I pushed you away._

 _If I could get back to that day, I'm going to remind you that you have cheated. But you already know that. I'm sorry I keep mentioning it. I know why you have cheated, but I cannot say it is entirely my fault. I try, I promise you I try to embrace you with every pain I feel, but why do you have to put up with all of me when you can run free and be happy?_

 _I won't give you an answer but I'm going to tell you that, selfishly, I do not want you to run free. I want you to be imprisoned with me and the little time I might have. I'm fine now. But who knows what might happen later? I know you're thinking that when later happens I'll exterminate your entry to my home. It's your right to think so._

 _I love you, though. That love that tickles my heart each night is the reason I cannot let you be. I didn't think it would claw my skin the way it did. I didn't think I had tied a rope and it wouldn't get torn no matter how hard I pulled. My love covered my room of sickness, and your picture floded my mind when I was taking my last breath that one night. I don't know how I woke up and how my cancer killed its own self but I honestly, and with all the naivety in me, believe it's that love I cannot let go of helped me wake up wanting only you._

 _I came running back because I'm not sure if my time is well preserved. I have the limited time that any mortal owns, except mine is much more limited. I returned to ask of you to return to me so I could love you foolishly. Because that's the love I've always seen in the films, that's the love I want to fill my head with. Even if it makes you pity my romanticism and my childish thinking, that's the love that I want to give you. And to be fair, I want you to pity me._

 _I took too long and many things are still unsaid, my dear. I'll conclude with my wish: I want to wake up to you next to me like we used to do that. I want to share my home with you again. I want your clothes to be in my closet. I want your hair to cover my pillowcases and your scent to invade my household. I also want your unhealthy snacks to haunt my fridge and your bad habits to make me laugh once again. It is simple what I want. I want you to be my girlfriend once again and even more._

 _I hope to hear from you. I'm sorry that was not what you have expected of me. I tried to keep it as honest as possible. I tried to get right to the point._

 _With all my love and all my passion._

 _Sara Clement."_

Sara expected the stark silence which was supposed to follow her letter, but definitely did not expect the cheering and clapping which happened afterward.

"That was amazing," one student shouted.

"You rock, doc," another did.

"Who's the lucky woman?" a boy asked.

Sara's crimson cheeks and heated forehead were for the eyes to inspect, but most importantly, Tegan's bashful smile and her own rosy face was the reason for Sara's increasing heartbeats.

"Do you plan on giving her that letter?" a student asked.

"I...I'm not sure," Sara stuttered.

"You should, doctor." Sara smiled at her student. Technically, she had already given her letter to Tegan. "She should take you back. She better takes you back. She's a fool if she doesn't"

Sara's eyes traveled to Tegan's face again. Their eyes interlocked for a second until Sara shifted her eyes back again at her students. "That's enough you guys. Don't make me regret this," Sara said confidently.

If happiness had a true soul, it would be Tegan's insides right now. They were glowing with pride and happiness she hadn't felt in two years. The last time she felt this happiness was when she was in this class. When Sara Clement bent down and showed her some skin while touching her forehead and checking if she was alright. It's a Platonic happiness as she liked to refer to it. When the spark was too big for her to be able to sit through hours of waiting. And it's that feeling again of a stomach cramping in utter excitement and pure love she had missed so much. It all came back to her. She wanted the letter, she wanted to read it. Again, and again, and again.

But wait. Tegan was not the same girl she really was. Too many things were there to think about. She needed to talk with Sara, but at the same time she wanted a proper promise and love letters were love letters. She wanted to trust Sara. What a love letter would do when she's not sure Sara was going to do what she had written? As far as she was concerned, Sara promised sex till they were eighty and tired. Sara left many, many years before that age.

When Sara handed back everybody's letters, Tegan's still had the red circular zero on her own, with Sara's dried tear stains. Tegan; however, she had spent the entire lecture trying to write something else for Sara. She wanted to give it to Sara, but she didn't have time to slip it into the woman's coat pocket. Instead, she waited till everybody left then gave Sara the piece of paper.

"I do not accept make up assignments, Ms. Rain," Sara said. A crooked smile was playing on her features. She felt good that she had let it all out. She really wanted to accept the paper, but rules were rules. She preferred if Tegan talked, anyway.

"It's not," the student said. "It's a response to your letter."

"How do you even know it was for you?"

"Mind games won't get you anywhere you want, Dr. Clement." Sara swallowed, not believing she was hearing Tegan's confident and sharp octave. She reached for the paper and hurriedly looked at it. "I have a class. I have to go now." Sara looked up, watching the frail woman walk out of her classroom.

 _"Dear Sara._

 _If you truly know me, you know my love for you isn't dead. You know I left you while crying at your doorstep. I left you while asking for chances that you didn't grant. I left you while looking at your friend staring at me as if I have caused the cancer you have been dealing with._

 _You want my pity, but I am not going to pity you because I know you too well and I know every wicked scheme you're capable of. A letter full of romanticized words will not win my trust back that you will not walk away in two months._

 _You need to learn the terms of love first. Do you know when people love each other they stick around? Do you also know that sharing your pain with your lover is not going to make you feel humiliated? You should learn that. Who knows, anyway? I could be the one sick next time. I might not find you there with me. Who knows!_

 _My cheating is the mistake I will forever regret. But this cheating showed me the truth about you and myself. How can I trust you to be your girlfriend and more? I don't even know what you mean by more since you cannot even hold tight to a relationship._

 _Try harder, maybe next time I'm convinced._

 _Tegan Rain."_

Sara folded the letter and shook her head. She took a breath and looked out of the door. _Silly child_. She was dealing with a silly child who wanted to be chased. Sara had no time for a chase. All time felt running away, but if that's what Tegan wanted, then that's what Tegan was going to get.

Jeremy found Tegan in the kitchen. She was munching on ice cubes like she always secretly did. He shook his head when she showed her gummy smile. The crunching noise was disturbing but Jeremy could never be disturbed by Tegan. Next to the glass full of ice, lay a paper which Tegan was reading from.

The boy reached for a bottle of water from the fridge and sat at the kitchen table next to his house mate. They had made up. They talked it out. Tegan told him that she was in love with Sara. Jeremy told her that he knew. Then Jeremy told her to be with Sara if she wanted. So Tegan said that the sex between them must end. Jeremy nodded his head and said that it would end.

Was he okay with Tegan's choices? Of course he wasn't. Did he have a saying? For sure he did not. He learned his lesson from that time he called her mother. Technically, most of the problem was his. He was the root which created this evil flower that departed Sara and Tegan away from each other. The cancer was the evil flower for sure, but he was the root.

"You still crave ice?" Jeremy asked. The ice cravings had started a year ago, in unusual and abnormal ways. Apparently it was a sign of severe anemia, which Tegan was facing at the moment.

"So bad. They're back. My results are probably going to be shit again."

"Tomorrow's your appointment, right?" Tegan nodded. She was still reading from the paper. "What are you reading?" Jeremy asked again.

Tegan lifted up the paper and smiled like the foolish child Sara still thought she was. Jeremy's eyes went wide when he skimmed the letter as fast as he could before grabbing it and taking it in his hands. "She read it in front of the whole class. She slipped it in my pocket before I left. I found it when I was changing. What do you think?" Even though she did not make Sara believe she was a bit excited and already thinking about going back, but she really was. She even searched for her suitcase.

"Holy shit. That's some deep...shit." Jeremy felt utterly speechless. He also felt extremely jealous in all the ways. He was reading a love letter. He was reading the words of a woman asking her lover to return and be hers again. Of course Tegan favoured romantic and corny Sara over him. Sara had her fucking ways, she always had them. She was always a winner even when she was a loser at life. "She's asking you to be her girlfriend, Tee." Tegan nodded. "What did you say?"

"That she has to try harder." Tegan shrugged.

"What?" The boy felt confused.

"Jeremy," Tegan started. "I don't want what happened last time to happen again. I have to make sure she won't run away. I have to make sure she won't act like she did if..." It was hard for her to continue. She didn't even know Sara's circumstances right now. "There's a lot we need to talk about before I can take such a step, you know." Jeremy nodded. "Plus, I'm still her student." And that was the awful part.

"I'm proud of you, Tee," Jeremy said. "You have grown. I'm happy you didn't jump right away. You deserve a good love. I hope you get what you want."

"I hope you get what you want as well." It felt terrible to say this to the man who loved her. But he had to move on and find some replacement. He had to.

 **...**

Dr. Wilson tapped her pen on the desk as she read from the several tests she had ordered Tegan to take and get her. Tegan's heartbeat, blood pressure, and liver were checked first. Basic questions about her fatigue and eating habits were asked. Then she was sent to take these tests in the lab in the first floor.

The funny (which was not really funny) part was seeing Sara Clement sitting in the waiting room when Tegan returned. They both stared at each other. Nobody said anything. Jeremy was there, he was the most nervous of the three.

Sara wondered what was her lover doing at the medical center. Mary Wilson was Sara's GP. Sara was doing her monthly checkup, starting from Dr. Wilson then moving to Dr. Lily Anderson, her gynecologist, who was in the same building.

Tegan seemed quite alright this morning when Sara was teaching her Poetry. They smiled at each other. That was a start, Sara thought. Tegan raised her hand and shared a point. Sara was getting somewhere. When she returned home, she told Stacy all about it. Stacy told her about how she gave Audrey a piece of her mind. Sara didn't hear a single part of it. Her friend was obsessed with her cousin.

Tegan also wondered why Sara was there. But then she realized Sara was a sick woman and that's where she was going to spend most of her time at. Was she considered a sick woman as well? According to Dr. Wilson right now, it seemed pretty serious what Tegan was going through.

"Jeremy, you can wait for Tegan outside, please," the doctor ordered.

Jeremy found Sara still waiting. He sat in the opposite direction. He looked at her and he stared without giving a single damn about his staring.

"Is she alright?" Sara asked after ten minutes of silence. She tried to hold her question in, but her worry ate her up.

"Just anemia," Jeremy said.

"Figured." Sara pursed her lips then continued, "She looks tired and sick. She lost lots of weight."

"Thank yourself." Jeremy got up and left the room. He texted his friend that he was going to wait outside. He promised himself he wouldn't let his anger or jealousy get the best of him. But when he saw Sara there, looking healthier than ever, glowing with beauty the way Tegan had described, he really couldn't help but lose it. His friend looked like a ghost because of the ill woman and the ill woman looked like a beauty queen? That was not fair in his view. Not at all.

"So Tegan," Dr. Wilson said. "It appears that everything in your body is properly functioning, yet here are your red blood cells, smaller and paler. You still faint. You have lost three pounds since last month. You are still diagnosed with severe anemia." The doctor sighed. "You're taking your iron supplements for sure?" Tegan nodded. "You told me you've switched to healthier options of foods."

"I did," Tegan said loudly. "I don't know what's happening in my body."

"You still don't eat red meat, though."

"I hate red meat," Tegan complained.

"When was your last menstrual cycle and how was it?" the doctor asked.

"Two weeks ago. It was great, thanks for asking." The doctor did not laugh despite the snorting sound that left Tegan's mouth. She felt herself sitting in front of a judge, not a damn doctor.

"I meant was it heavier than usual?"

"Nope." Tegan shook her head. "Can we not talk about my menstrual cycle, please?"

"If you're going to keep acting like a kid, I won't be able to help you. I'm trying to help you here. I'm your doctor." Tegan scowled once she was called a kid. The doctor did not smile the way Sara used to do that or the way Jeremy did. She burned holes into Tegan's frame. "The main reason for Iron-Deficiency Anemia is excessive blood loss. That's why I'm asking you."

"I know." She did not, though. "It's heavy the first three to four days. Then it's okay."

"If it is an abnormal flow you need to tell me so I turn you to a gynecologist." Tegan's eyes went wide. She felt uncomfortable. And it felt like Dr. Wilson was trying to get rid of her stubborn, childish patient.

"No. It's fine. It's like it had always been." The doctor nodded.

"Do you have an eating disorder?" How many times did Tegan have to say no to this doctor about that? She did not. She loved food. It's just that the past two years food was not her first priority thanks to the damn woman who was sitting outside waiting.

"What do I have to say to you so you can believe me? I don't have an eating disorder. I do not self harm or whatever. I eat as much as I can. My uterus is working fine. My whole body is working fine. I throw up the food I eat because I either get too excited or too nervous. I forget to eat sometimes or do not have an appetite because my mind is occupied." Tegan paused for a moment, staring at the wide-eyed doctor, then she continued, "And yes, I went and still go to a therapist. I take antidepressants and took anxiety pills. Happy now?"

"Are you on the pill?" Tegan looked for the nearest object she could throw at the doctor because for a moment she did not mind committing a crime. She was an easily irritated 21 year old. And the woman was finding it amusing.

"No. Never was. Never will need them." She smiled fakely at the doctor. She was not really sure about that last sentence. She was a lesbian, even if she was sleeping with a man. They hadn't slept together since that day he went down on her, and it was working. She didn't want the pill, anyway.

"Why is that?"

"Pretty sure I'm not gonna get knocked up sleeping with girls." Tegan sat back, a bragging smile on her face.

The doctor nodded. "Thought you're with Jeremy. Sorry about that." Tegan nodded as well. "Look, Tegan, I really want to help you. Your bitchy attitude makes me want to help you more. How about we together start a diet?"

"We?" Tegan chuckled.

"Yes. I actually go by this diet myself. So I'm gonna write it down and you will go with it. When you leave my office, you'll see a beautiful woman my age outside. Short hair, hazel yes. She follows this diet as well. She looked just like you before. But she dealt with serious hardships and a very bad illness. Look at her now, she's glowing."

Tegan knew she was talking about her professor, her lover, her Sara. "I saw her when I returned from the lab. Is she your friend?"

"My patient and my friend." The doctor was writing. "You'll notice that you can eat anything you want from here. The times and proportions are more important than the selections. So your stomach can stop being troubled. Go with it and if it didn't suit you at all, return to your old one. I'll see you next month and you better be helping yourself. Continue with the iron supplements and the vitamins. Get well, Tegan." She handed the sheet to Tegan, who nodded and left the room.

Sara and Tegan met again when Tegan left. It was Sara's turn now. She looked at her student and wondered what could be wrong.

"I can't tell you. Patients' information are secretive," Dr. Wilson said when Sara asked her what was wrong with the woman who had just left. "Why are you asking anyway? You never ask."

"She's..." Sara was not sure it was safe to tell. Dr. Mary kept the secrets the way each doctor did, and Sara was dying to tell someone. "She's my ex-girlfriend," Sara announced.

The doctor looked at her for a second but then nodded. Who was she to judge, anyway? Sara had told her a brief story about the young woman she had dated. Only to let her understand how it all happened the past two years. The discovery was during sexual intercourse. Sara had to tell. Maybe Tegan's case made more sense to the doctor right now. Wasn't that what lovesick teenagers did to themselves? They didn't eat because they were just too sad?

"She has severe anemia. No reason really. Just iron deficiency. She's so stubborn. She's the hardest patient I've ever dealt with." The doctor felt as if she had betrayed her patient by saying all these things.

"I always warned her about her health. She never listened." The doctor nodded.

"There's a gown in the exam room. Change and call me in." Sara went to the examination room, which was combined with the doctor's office.

 **...**

"Why did she kick me out? Is everything alright?" Jeremy asked when he and Tegan went back to the car.

"Ya," Tegan said. "She just wanted to make sure I don't have an eating disorder that I'm hiding from everyone or if my period is acting weird or whatever." Tegan rolled her eyes. She was already reading the list of food the doctor had prescribed. "What the fuck? Bitch lied. This thing has nothing. Mainly apples and fucking broccoli and mangoes. Oh yes mangoes." Tegan's voice cheered up at the last sentence. She smiled goofily at her laughing friend. "Sara follows this list. That's why she looks yummy now." Jeremy furrowed his brows and nodded. "I can't believe I said that out loud." Tegan sighed. "Anyway, we need to go grocery shopping so I can get all of these things. She said the proportions are more important. And wrote here that I can exchange with what I find suitable."

"I think your main reason isn't the food you're eating. I think it's the anxiety. When you're happy you're healthy, when you're depressed you never eat," Jeremy said while he drove.

"I know," Tegan said. "I mean, I feel better now. It's stupid, but after that letter I could eat an elephant, you know. I have the good happy excitement, not the nervous one which makes me throw up. I can't help but think about the bad thing that's going to happen next. It's always like that with life. One good thing and then a storm of ugliness that takes too long."

"Don't think about that. Focus on the positive energy." Jeremy was actually worried about that inside of his mind. Indeed life was always like that. It always took, never gave. "Wanna go for pizza?"

"Ya." Tegan was thinking about Sara's health for now, instead of her own. She was worrying about the woman who was never going to be healthy again. Was she really willing to go through the same old whirlwind again? Was she really willing to share her life with an ill woman?

 **...**

"Well, how is it going to be? Is sex going to be like that for me?" Sara was doing perfectly fine, the way a cancer survivor with the fear of it coming back could be doing perfectly fine. After the tests and examination, she told her doctor about her obstacle in getting wet.

"Sara, you're not even sexually active at the moment." Sara blushed deeply. "It's okay, don't feel embarrassed. Discovering your body is a helpful thing, especially after the changes that happened to it. It helps you knowing what's good for you and what's bad."

"So?" Sara was impatient. She wanted her sex life to return the way it was before.

"The increase in dryness is because we have lessened your HRT doses. It is natural. Your body will get used to it."

"I really don't think that's going to happen. I didn't face that problem before I removed my cervix. Only the first months but the HRT tablets helped. Now nothing is helping. I'm too young for this, doctor. My own mother just hit menopause last year." The issue continued depressing her and making her feel ashamed. She wanted a healthy and an easy sex life once again. If Tegan was her girlfriend again she didn't want the young woman to be dealing with this. And if she married her that's even worse , because Tegan was young and healthy and had the sex drive of a girl in her twenties, while Sara had such a failing sex drive and different complications in sex.

"Sometimes your emotional state can affect your libido. You cannot know that for sure unless you have sex with someone again. Someone you're highly attracted to."

"It's not that I'm not getting turned on. It's the fact that I'm not getting wet." The doctor nodded when Sara explained her situation.

"I understand your point. Alright, how about you continue with the tablet till next month? If the dryness continued to be painfully acute, I'm going to suggest oestrogen preparations that can be directly applied to your vagina."

"Oh God." Sara rubbed her temples. She was about to cry sitting there. "Why is my life like that?"

"I'm sorry, Sara. I'm really sorry. It's all I can do." The professor nodded, sitting back in her chair. "But you should be thankful that you are healthy now. Try to focus on that bright side. Sex will be easy again once you get used to all the changes. And if you ask me, these things do not really matter once you have someone who cares enough not to care about these matters." The doctor smiled genuinely. "Sleeping with girls I guess will be easier for you and the other party since she will not really feel the penetration in her sexual organs."

It was a girl anyway that Sara was after. But it was still a very sensitive matter and an embarrassing issue she felt she was facing. What about dildos? Sara loved feeling them inside of her, now it's going to be even harder to be penetrated by them. Everything felt harder.

The next day, Sara gave Tegan another letter she had written. She put it sneakily on Tegan's seat when she was walking in class.

 _"Dear Tegan._

 _What do I have to do to promise you that you can trust me again? I want to speak to you. I want to tell you about everything. Give me the chance. I'm always waiting for you. Here's my number..."_

Sara's number followed. Tegan smiled to herself and then wrote her letter back.

 _"Dear Sara._

 _I don't know. I'm kind of liking the Medieval way of communication in here. It gives me better time to see through your bullshit. Plus, I'm a hopeless romantic!_

 _Thunder Girl ;)"_

"You're torturing me. Are you enjoying it?" Sara said after class.

"Very much," Tegan answered. She scanned her professor, who was wearing a light pink sweater and tight dark blue jeans. Sara hadn't worn anything colourful since the semester had started.

"Stop checking me out." Sara felt just a tad self-conscious. Her body had never been so voluptuous since her twenties.

"Stop deluding yourself." Tegan smirked. She got Sara back. Sara was hers and she was enjoying making the woman chase after her.

"Are you taken?" Sara suddenly asked. Tegan did not answer, she just smiled. "Please come back to me." Sara was standing there, begging.

"Give me something real." Tegan did not even understand her own sentence, but she had to make the woman suffer until she gave herself again to moody, mysterious Sara Clement.

"How about..." Sara sighed. "How about we start slow? Be my friend? Tell me about you and I'll tell you about me and then you decide?" That felt ridiculous. Tegan wanted to take her time and Sara didn't have any.

"Hmmm," Tegan hummed. "That sounds nice. Maybe I'll pass by your office sometime next week. Maybe I'll give you a call. Maybe I'll do nothing, though. I'll decide." Sara wanted to slap Tegan at that moment. She wanted to slap her because Tegan really turned her on with the way she was licking her lips and smiling so wickedly. So Sara wanted to slap her and fuck her right there in class. She missed that feeling, she missed it.

"Alright," Sara said. "I'll be waiting."

Sara waited and waited and Tegan never called and never passed by her office after a week of waiting. It frustrated the older woman to the degree of childish glaring at her younger student, who was enjoying the torture very much but dreading many things she hid inside. She didn't know what to expect if she took Sara in after she had shut her doors. That talk was what she dreaded the most. It's like so much was waiting for her yet anything could happen and take Sara away from her. She wished Sara was perfectly healthy. Things would have been better. She wouldn't be scared of Sara leaving for any type of reason.

The thing was, Sara was not that confident when it came to it. She blamed her health and her disease when Tegan was not giving her a chance. If the student loved her then why was she waiting? Sara was right, Tegan was scared of that part. Sara was scared of it too. That's why she felt like she had no time.

"Aren't you scared she runs away?" Jeremy asked Tegan. They were sitting on the bed they were sharing. It had been just a tad harder than before. Tegan already felt herself in a relationship with Sara and felt as if she was actually cheating on Sara.

Just the night before, Jeremy shifted his frame closer to hers. He started rubbing her arm and she was not yet aware of where they were going until she remembered Sara rubbing her own arms during sex. She pushed him away and he understood. She felt as if it was time she left his place and found her own. She didn't work but her parents would aid her with money. She was graduating in about three months and she had to find a job already and find an apartment. But the thoughts of the apartment weren't big in her brain before nor now. Before, she was staying at her friend's. And now, she imagined she'd stay at Sara's if all came alive and they were back together.

She wanted to find a teaching job, or a desk job. It didn't matter. But she was a good tutor. She felt she could do well at teaching. She also really wanted to start with her Masters right away. She had too many dreams in her mind. She wanted to become something big. She wanted to be like Sara when it came to achievements.

Tegan looked at her friend for a second and then said, "She runs away now better than later. I already dealt with that once. I don't want it again."

"I guess that makes sense," Jeremy said. "But..." His words escaped him for a second. "But what if her cancer returned again? I mean, I'm assuming she's healthy now? What if she left with...death?"

"Why do you think I'm so scared of going back?" Tegan sighed. "I lived the past year and a half thinking of her as dead even though I had a tiny hope she was alive. Then she appeared all of a sudden and it's just..." Tegan didn't know what to say anymore. She didn't know how to express her feelings.

"Take time to think it. You're doing well."

"Ya. I mean, if I'm going to be with her, I really have to graduate first."

"There's that as well," Jeremy said. It amazed Tegan how supportive he was.

"I really miss being around her." Tegan laughed to herself. It was a small laugh. A sad one. "It's the greatest feeling. And just the feeling of it coming back is making me feel like I am eighteen in her tiny apartment again. I want to go back there and hear her speak and watch her drink her coffee." Jeremy did not say anything. He only looked at Tegan as she smiled to her own thoughts and memories.

In Poetry class two days later, Sara was explaining the nostalgic poem _"After Death"_ by Christina Rossetti. All the students were focused on Sara's analysis, including Tegan, whose chest was facing pangs of disturbance and a mist of sadness.

The poem meant something deeper to Sara because she had lived it and experienced it in that hour of her death, as she liked to think of it. But she also named it the hour of catharsis. It was when the purgation and the cleansing happened to her entire body. She heard all the voices around her yet she could not open her eyes. She realized that dead people were loved more in death than if they were alive. Or perhaps pitied. In that hour she realized what she wanted and it was not to die but to stay alive and stop victimizing her own self. She had dreams and they were not fulfilled. The man who she thought she was going to fulfill these dreams with was there. He was in tears, she could tell, even though she couldn't hear but the sobs of Stacy.

But her ex husband was there. She felt his hand brushing her forehead and kissing her cheeks and damp skin. He whispered things which indicated he was crying. He asked for forgiveness and admitted his love. It was rather too late because Sara was in love with someone else even when she was in the stage between dying and living. It felt as if she was in the isthmus. She was between living and dying. She saw all the faces and heard all the voices.

She even smelled the roses her ex husband had gotten her. She remembered the short story she and Tegan studied together. It was called _"A Rose for Emily."_ When William Faulkner was asked why he had given that title to his story, he said that he pitied Emily so the rose was a salute. _"To a woman you would hand a rose,"_ he said. Jack's roses stayed there near her resting head and only died when she stopped dying and woke up. She joked with Stacy telling her that these roses died after her death.

"Rosemary and May/ Lay thick upon the bed on which I lay," Sara said, reading the second line of the poem. "May is supposed to be the month of the blossoming flowers. In here it is the month of death. The speaker meant the flowers were all around her but they were indicating death. What do you give a sick person? You give them flowers. You pity them." It was in May when Sara was dying. The third of May, 2015. She refused to go to the hospital when it happened. The chemotherapy was over and the doctors said they killed the cancer. Sara did not believe them. Sara felt herself tired and sick and aching.

That night she started bleeding and she had a fever. It all started happening too quickly at dawn. Stacy sat beside her and cried for the two days she was in a comma. Sara continued refusing to go and die in a hospital. Her mother came and Jack came too because he was in town the previous week. He visited Sara each day but he said nothing. He visited as a friend only. He was too emotionless and perhaps that's why she was able to relate to the poem. Because the man in the poem only let his emotions free and be told when the speaker was dying. The same way Jack did. He only expressed his grief and apologized when she was dying.

Sara woke up in a hospital and they told her she was asleep for two days. Stacy said they thought she died until they heard her steady breaths. The doctor told her that her cancer was saying goodbye. He said a miracle had happened. Sara felt strange. She felt herself waking up in a different reality and a new beginning. Everything felt strange and her heart felt pure and out of all the dirt it had been in.

 _"He leaned above me, thinking that I slept_

 _And could not hear him; but I heard him say,_

 _'Poor child, poor child': and as he turned away_

 _Came a deep silence, and I knew he wept."_

Sara smiled to herself. Her students were falling in love with the way she paused and stared into the distance. Everybody in the room knew what Sara had been through. Every person in the room knew Sara felt a common connection with the poem. Tegan's eyes teared up.

"It's like," Sara started. "The man was too cold and too rigid all the years she spent with him. She tried too hard to win his affection. She knew he loved her. But he was hard to deal with at times. He wouldn't speak much. He wouldn't reveal anything while she always left her heart open, pouring out everything for him to see. And he didn't like it. He ran away because she was too much to handle. She was such a sob." Sara took a breath and blinked for a second. Frozen, fixed, and in touch with her inner strength. The past was the past. No need to go there again. "He got her flowers that day. You know, she's dying, so he got her flowers and he started to reveal everything he hadn't let out before. He started to reveal his emotions. He pitied her. He wept. He never did that and he hated when she did so. But that day, he wept and she heard him even though he thought she was not listening."

Tegan's eyes were fixed on Sara's. It's like they had their own telepathy. From her limited time with Sara she was already aware that when Sara explained something this way, it meant she had lived it. She was imagining what Sara was going through. She was imagining everything. She was imagining Jack crying and Sara lying there, almost dead. Tegan felt like crying herself.

 _"He did not love me living; but once dead_

 _He pitied me; and very sweet it is_

 _To know he still is warm though I am cold."_

Those three lines made Sara take a moment to pause and reflect on her own emotions. Jack's love was Jack's love, a man's love. He loved the beautiful version of Sara but once he saw the truthful image, he did not like it so he always left her. But when she died, he pitied her and regretted his actions. Jack was mostly the reason Sara had become cold. She always blamed him but after the slumber and the new start, she blamed nobody but herself.

She knew Tegan was able to take her in her good and bad. She pushed Tegan away because she thought Tegan was another Jack. Tegan's actions and her mother's appearance helped her to see it the way it was. But she was sure Tegan was willing to go deeper in that black hole with her when she came knocking at her door begging Stacy to let her in. That day she decided Tegan should be in despite what her mother thought. But her friend did not allow it, thinking she had a saying in that.

At times, she thanked Stacy for not allowing such a thing because the pain was too painful to even watch, and she knew Stacy alone was able to live with it and see it. Tegan was too young to change her bloody clothes and sheets. She was too young to hear the screaming cries in the middle of the night when the ache was spreading through all her body. And she was too young to collect the hair that kept falling and clean the puke. She was too young to give her showers and wash her entire body. She wanted Tegan to see the good image of her the way Jack wanted to. But now she did not care because now she wanted Tegan to see all of her because that's who she was. If Tegan didn't want to then that's her own choice not Sara's. But if she did, she's welcomed.

"The speaker here had reached her conclusion that her lover never loved her tender ways before. I guess that's how I see it." Sara laughed to her own self. "I mean she could be criticizing the gender norms of the Victorian society back then. How men were supposed to be cold and women were seen to be emotional and tender." Sara looked at her own book again and said, "But I see it differently. I feel like she's saying that it was nice to know he's actually warm inside even though he was the reason she was so cold now. Or maybe she said that because she was asleep and dying. A cold skin is an effect of dying. And a cold soul as well, I suppose.

"Personally, I believe you become cold and distant because you think nobody there wants to see the weak you. You think that's how people want to see you in order for them to make sure you're alive and well and not dying. Dying is weakness to you." Sara took a breath and then continued, "And inside, you know you are dying. But once you open up and let your emotions out you live and be a person like all those people.

"Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking that if I talked about it then people would pity me. Now I just don't care. Let them pity me. I'm a sick person and I could die any moment and it's okay to cry and be sad. It's my right the way it is a healthy person's right." Tegan wanted to hug Sara and cry with her. Sara had changed. Sara was different. Sara was honest. Tegan knew that. But Sara scared her as well. "So here, I guess the speaker is blaming that man for making her be this way. She didn't know he had emotions within him until he thought she was dead. She enjoyed these emotions. She cherished them even if they were pity or fear. I suppose the title is figurative. I suppose she's suggesting death of an old soul that was hers and the birth of a new one which can see better. She feels clean and purified of these emotions."

Sara smiled at Tegan when the student turned her head to the back as Sara walked in the class while explaining. Sara loved Tegan's innocent eyes. They always seemed searching for her and wanting her. They looked like a child's eyes wandering around and she adored them. Tegan was inspired and in utter love with Sara Clement she just wanted to hold her and hug her for hours. Tegan smiled back and even blushed.

Tegan made up her mind. When it was time for Sara's office hours, the student decided to go visit her instead of going to her class. Tegan found Sara reading the newspaper with her glasses on. Sara's coffee mug had peach-coloured lipstick stains on it. She smiled when Sara didn't notice she was standing there. Sara reached for her mug and took a sip. It was too hot so she wrinkled her nose and hissed. Tegan giggled. Sara jumped immediately, sitting back. Her heart quickened in beats at first but then she smiled when she saw who was there. She couldn't believe herself. Tegan was standing there. In her office.

First thing Sara did was look at the opened door. It's true she was in a much bigger office now and she was secluded from the other professors, with her office way in the back with no rooms next to it but a bathroom that barely anybody used it but herself in front of it, but it still scared her getting caught in the act of innocent love. Tegan looked back at the door and nodded. She walked there and closed it. It felt like old times. It all felt like old times yet everything was remotely disparate.

"I didn't know you're an assistant dean now," Tegan said. "Just read it on your door. Fancy. No wonder you're chasing me. Special privileges, huh?" Tegan showed her own version of Sara's old wicked smirk.

"Had anybody told you how much of a bitch you had become?" Sara asked, but jokingly.

"Isn't that how you like them, though?" Tegan teased. "Otherwise you wouldn't be chasing like a lovesick friend-zoned boy, I presume." The student licked her lower lip, taking the silver labret inside her mouth then releasing it.

"Indeed that's my type: bitch." Sara's eyes sparkled and her smile didn't fade at all. "You have changed a lot," Sara finally said.

"Same goes to you. Now you really look and sound like a forty year old divorced woman swallowed by grief and agony." Even though Tegan was joking, after she had said that she instantly regretted it. "I'm sorry," she apologized.

"It's fine." Sara chuckled. "I'm too close to forty and indeed I'm not that happy. I feel too lonely."

"And I am your only option?"

"Yes, because you're the only one I love." Sara lowered her head. Tegan blushed and took a breath. Just a month before and she was crying about Sara and the beautiful past. Life was too ironic, it always had been.

"What you said in class. The whole lecture I mean. It really inspired me. It made me..." Tegan took a breath and looked into her lover's beautiful honey-like eyes. God, they were beautiful, they were so fucking charming. They weren't scary and frozen. They were warm. And the sun reflected dozens of vibrant diamonds lost in there. The sun reflected the true warm nature of Sara that she had loved so much and missed so much. "I love you, Sara. I really do."

Sara smiled too big because she wanted to hear that in person. She closed her eyes and smiled even bigger. Tegan looked at the creases on the corners of her lips and eyes and admired the faint lines. "You are terrifying, beautiful, and strange...something not everyone knows how to love," Sara said. "But I love you crazily and blindly, my Thunder Girl. I love you so much. You're my baby."

Tegan giggled, blushed, gasped, and blushed more. Nobody had ever said these words to her. Nobody had told her how they felt about her in that beautiful way Sara had just put it. She shook her head, however. She said, "But we still have to talk. You still have to know me better and I still need to know you more."

"Of course," Sara said. "I will tell you everything and anything and I'm ready to do what you want me to do. Just please give me the chance." Tegan nodded. Sara scribbled something on a paper. She took a breath and looked at it. "I know this is just too much. But this is what I want for us. This is..." She couldn't explain anymore, she was too excited and too scared and too nervous to continue speaking. She held the small piece of paper up so Tegan could read it.

It said, _"Will you marry me, please?"_

Tegan blinked once, twice, and thrice after gasping. She read it again and again.


	4. Mother, Make Me A Big Grey Cloud

**Chapter 4: Mother, Make Me A Big Grey Cloud (So I Can Rain on You Things I Can't Say Out Loud.)**

* * *

"Um...you take my room and I'll take the couch," Sara said to her mother. The professor attempted to carry her mother's suitcase to her room but her hand was taken away roughly.

"Don't you even dare," Evelyn's deep tone rang in the silent apartment. It reminded Sara of all those times she had to share eighteen years of her life with this woman. Sara was so fragile and sensitive these past few days. The last thing she needed was someone yelling in her face. "I mean...you just had three surgeries. I don't want your cuts to open." The second time the old woman spoke was more gentle. She felt her daughter's slight flinch when she spoke up the first time. The last thing she too wanted was to yell at her. Those days were gone.

"It's been a year. Even more. I'm fine now. I even exercise. My doctors said I can do anything." Sara reached for the suitcase again and pulled it to her room.

When her mother called only a day before, telling her she's visiting for a few days, Sara couldn't say no because her mother had already made up her own mind the way she always did. She also could use a little distraction from all the excessive thoughts of Tegan rejecting her and laughing in her face just three days ago. She had never felt so foolish and stupid. Tegan's words were still singing inside of her the bitterest of songs.

"Marriage?" Tegan laughed loudly. "Are you out of your mind?" She laughed more. "Yes you are, you just said it. Do you even know what you're asking?"

Sara sat back in her chair. She looked at her student with a blank expression on her face. "Wh..why do you say this? I know what I'm asking? I'm asking you to be my wife. I'm giving you a huge promise and I'm sure of it. I want you to be with me. I love you."

Tegan nodded at first. Then a chuckle left her lips. "Is this your promise? Tying me to you by a piece of paper that really means nothing? Is this the way to convince me you're not gonna walk out any minute you feel like it?"

"It means everything to me," Sara shouted. Tegan took a step back. Sara didn't know what else to do. She's offering the rest of her life. She's giving everything. "It looks like...I don't really mean anything to you. I'm offering you everything. I'm chasing you. Asking you to believe me but you just don't want to be with me." Sara started crying. Tegan took another step back.

"I don't know you much. I barely know anything about you. I can't marry you thinking life will be great and we'll live happily together. God, Sara, you say I'm a kid but look at you. Look at you for one second. You don't even explain anything. You just demand and want and say." Tegan took another step backward. "I love you. You know that. But I can't trust you and you also know that."

"What can I do to make you trust me?" Sara asked breathlessly. She was pathetic. She felt pathetic.

Tegan shrugged. "I don't know. Figure it out." She took another step backward till her hand was touching the doorknob. "Have a good day, doctor," she said as soon as she opened the door.

On Friday they did not speak. Sara taught in silence and Tegan thought about the mistake she might have done. Her fear was in a place she could not obtain or even comprehend. She was asked to be a wife to her lover. It's those same dreams she had two years before. But she didn't believe in happiness anymore to believe she could be a wife and be happy. She knew a storm would be coming and she thought of the many signifieds the signifier _'storm'_ held. It could be an endless circle. An endless variety of storms. One could birth the other till they all led to...death.

Tegan did not even tell Jeremy about it. She thought and stayed awake. She wrote and read. She tried to understand what Sara meant. But that's the issue, Sara didn't even speak. Sara was the teacher and she wanted to give all the teachings and not be taught. They needed to speak about it. But what if it was too late? That also awakened her all night. Her mind felt like a basket full of different types of jewels entangled and there was no start to her chain of thoughts and definitely no end. Everything was mixed up and it made her head spin. Even a shower didn't work. Food was not an option because overthinking meant nausea and nausea meant puking her guts out. That's why her blood tests were so terrible. Because Sara was back. Sara the mother of all burdens and thoughts. And now she wanted to marry her. Imagine what her thoughts would be with Sara being her wife...all day around her. Tegan imagined herself ending up as a skeleton.

But Tegan loved Sara. And there was a bird singing in her head melodies of what it felt like to wake up to Sara's body. There was the bright side at the end of the chain of thoughts after all. It's not all black, it's not all white, it's a mix. Not only waking up to Sara, but waking up as a wife. How come the word meant something bigger when she herself scolded the older woman telling her that words on paper forming their unity meant nothing? And now she was thinking of them as everything.

Tegan ended up in a twirl of migraines all through the weekend.

As for Sara, she was dealing with her mother's visit and her broken heart and her childish misery. She stood by her window while her mother looked around her small apartment. Sara looked outside like a hopeless lover in fictional novels. Well, she was a hopeless lover, wasn't she?

Her mother inspected the place with an eyebrow raised and arms folded against her chest. Sara looked back at the petite woman. Evelyn looked too young for her age. She was only fifty-four and she looked as young as her daughter. Sara remembered how Tegan's mother, who was the same age, also looked pretty young for that age, but not as young-looking as Sara's mother. It was quite funny how their mothers were the same age but she and Tegan had such a great gap between their own ages.

Evelyn always had that sharp appearance, calm and collected halo around her, and a confident posture as she stood. Sara inherited those traits. Her mother also cried a lot, and Sara did so too. Growing up, she never really paid attention to it, but now she could remember heaps of fuzzy images of her mother crying alone, scared somebody would see her. Sara also had the same hair colour as her mother. But all other physical features were taken from her father. Her mother had green eyes. Her father had hazel ones. Her facial structure was the same as her father's as well as her lips and nose. But she was as small and short as her mother.

"That's such a small place," Evelyn said. She turned around and looked at her daughter.

"It's enough for me," Sara answered.

The mother nodded and walked up to her daughter. "Your dad left you some money, you know." It almost never touched Sara's mind that her father had died just six months ago. Maybe because she had considered him dead since ever. She attended his funeral but she did not cry. Not a single tear was shed. And she could not bring herself to cry over him because she never cared about him much to do so. Perhaps only when she was a small child and was loved by her young parents. But then everything was shattered between them when she grew up and tried to be who she always wanted to be.

"I don't want it." Her mother; however, wanted to make amends for all those lost times between herself and her daughter. Sara was simply not very interested. Evelyn tried. She tried by moving to Vancouver. By visiting everyday and attending every chemotherapy session. She donated a kidney, a whole kidney to her own daughter and was now living with only one.

"I thought..." When Sara's hands were taken by her mother, she pulled them away quickly with a flinch. "I mean, I heard you're into someone and you wanted to settle down? Your apartment is so small for that." Sara looked at her mother for a long second. She wondered if the woman knew it was a woman she was after. They never spoke of these things anymore. And now that Stacy's blabbering mouth was spreading the news, she wondered if her mother knew.

"Until then, I'll manage by my own. Plus, I have some savings and now I'm working." Sara sat on her sofa. "Why are you here?" She had to ask. She couldn't wait longer to do so.

"Because I was worried." The answer came right away. "You don't talk to me. You don't call. I get your news from Stacy and I feel like half of the things she says are lies." Sara laughed at that part. Something felt strange and funny about the way her mother said it defensively. Kind of like herself. "You seem so miserable and lonely."

"That's because I am," Sara said. She admitted it.

"Well, why?" Evelyn desperately wanted to know what her daughter was up to. She was a mother after all. Just like all mothers. No matter how many differences she had with her daughter, she still worried, cared, and thought about her kid. Especially now that her husband was dead, she felt more free to show the care she had been locking in. She felt more free to even think. She didn't know she was imprisoned until he was gone. She just wanted to fix things somehow.

"I'll go make dinner." Sara did not give any response to her mother. Coldly, the subject was changed and Sara was already walking to her kitchen. The professor shook her head while walking. What did her mother even want to hear? She couldn't tell her all these things when the woman never let her speak a word of her mind the past God knows how many years. It was always a bad thing to express one's own mind in that household. It was always a bad thing whatever Sara was doing. When Sara cut her hair and dyed it blond, the mother did not speak to her for days. When Sara did this, she was not spoken to. When she did that, it was all the same. Now the woman wanted to speak and take and give. Sara simply couldn't do that. She didn't even know how it felt to have a mother-daughter relationship. She always wondered if it affected her relationship with Tegan or enhanced her need to be a mother in order to give all that affection she was not given. It's either this or she simply loved the sense of being a wife and a mother.

Jeremy didn't know what he was supposed to say to Tegan when she asked him what he thought of Sara's proposal. He knew his friend quite well and he knew if he spoke what he believed in it would lead to quarreling. He was not in the mood for that. In fact, he was in the mood for a good drink and quiet music and nothing else. No talking, no thinking, no laughing, no crying. He told Tegan he didn't have a saying. Tegan, of course, glared at him then rolled her eyes.

He would tell her if she was ready to listen. But she was never ready to do so. He also knew her the way her mother did. She took people's advices but never followed them. She did the exact opposite. He would tell her that marrying Sara would ruin her life the way he thought dating Sara would do so. He would tell her that marrying someone whoever they were at this age would not be good for her. He would tell her she's stupid. He would throw it at her. She's stupid, she didn't know what she was doing. He would tell her that Sara was chasing her to fulfill her own loneliness. He would tell her Sara wanted many things before she died not having them. He would warn her and advise her but what's the use? His friend always, no matter what, followed her elastic soft heart and sought love like a blind man competing to race animals.

"You don't want to speak to me?" Tegan said while chewing on a piece of chocolate. "Is it because we're not sleeping together?" She took another bite.

"What does that have to do with it? We had a deal." He looked at the woman he loved sucking the melted chocolate off her index.

"You make it sound like I'm a prostitute." She took the last bite and spread her chocolate-covered hands in front of her. "Just like babies." She got up and walked to the kitchen.

"What do you want exactly, Tegan?"

Tegan washed her hands while looking back at her friend. "Nothing," she whispered to herself. She was not even back with Sara and Jeremy was acting childish. Maybe it's time she left this place. Living with him and sharing one bed while sleeping with him was one thing, and living with him while sharing that bed knowing he loved her and she loved another was a totally other thing.

"Look, I'm going to the bar." Her friend stood up. "Might stay up late. Don't wait for me."

"I'm coming with you," Tegan jumped in. "I have nothing to do and I'm bored." She was already putting on her Doc Martens. "Plus, I could use some good beer."

"We have beer." Jeremy did not want her to come. He wanted to be alone.

"You don't want me to tag along?" Tegan's defensive tone made him sigh. He shook his head.

"Come on," he said. He walked to the door and waited for her to leave before him and then closed and locked it.

Sara finished washing the last dish then poured herself a glass of red wine. Her mother was sitting at the kitchen table with her own glass in front of her.

"You're so neat and arranged," Evelyn said. "And who taught you how to cook so well? That sweetness in the beef went so well with the broccoli and onion on the side. And you cooked the meat so well it melted in my mouth. That was delicious." That compliment made Sara smile genuinely for the first time since her mother had showed up. It was obvious that her mother was quite impressed and wasn't merely trying to win her heart by feeding her lies.

"I taught myself." Sara took a sip of her drink. "There's not much to do when you're at home all the time by yourself."

"Oh, I thought you were dating someone all the time? I mean that's what I heard. And I did hear some voices whenever I called you." It was the first time ever they were facing each other and simply speaking about matters Sara didn't want to speak about. Sara wondered why her mother was asking now. Whenever Sara visited in the past years they barely spoke about anything. They mainly fought and argued and Sara always ended up storming out of the place after a three day visit.

"Ya," Sara whispered. "I did date a couple of people. First relationship I was home most of the time because I worked for few hours while my...partner worked for long hours. Then you know, I went to America and met Jack. I was finishing my PhD at home while pregnant and I taught myself most of the things I know now." Sara chuckled. "I used to get hungry and run to the kitchen and then I'd come up with something."

Evelyn laughed and drank her wine. "You're a natural. I used to do that all the time. You were still an infant, I'd feed you and then I'd go to the kitchen and take whatever I had and try new things. Then your dad would come from work all cranky and he'd eat everything."

"He was cranky even when he was young?" It felt like Sara knew nothing about her parents. It felt like she had erased all her memories about them. "I mean for God's sake, he was what? Twenty-four? Twenty-five?"

"He was always cranky. Angry at whatever it was. It's like he had a stick up his ass or something." That made Sara laugh.

"He wasn't really that angry when he used to put me to sleep. I mean that's all I remember of him when I was a child. It's like I don't know what happened to my memory. It's completely gone." Sara rubbed her temple in hopes she'd get some memories of her father but nothing was given. "And then it just got bad when I was older." Her mother nodded.

"So what do you do each day? Are you healthy now?" the mother asked.

"I go to work. I come back. I sleep. I prepare what I'm going to teach. Eat a bit. Work out a bit. Read. Maybe watch television. Same cycle each day." The mother nodded again. "What do you do, however?"

"Mostly the same...except for the work part." Her mother did not have a bachelor's degree. She had Sara at eighteen and married her father while pregnant with her first and only child. She did not go to university after that. "Doing some charity work. Sometimes I take the pianist's place at the church."

"Interesting." Sara was not that interested, however. It's what her mother had always been doing.

"I'm thinking of...going to university." That part caught Sara's attention. She almost choked on her drink. "I know it sounds strange and I'm old but I have nothing to do. Nobody to cook for. Nobody to wake up to. To make morning coffee for. To give the newspaper to. To hear rants about everything he didn't like and everything that's bad in society. To listen in silence and shut up because whatever I'd say would mean nothing. And you're taking good care of yourself. You've always been. There's just no need for me and I feel useless. Totally useless. It's like I'm all on my own in this world."

"Aren't we all?" Sara said to herself. She never thought her mother would be feeling that way. A bit similar to the way she was feeling. It felt strange to think of her mother as someone who felt that way, as someone who owned feelings. God, it felt absurd and ridiculous. "Being in a relationship isn't an option? You're still young. Your sex drive is even higher than mine."

"Sara," the mother said bashfully. Her daughter was amused to see deep red blotches on both sides of her cheeks. Sex was never a topic discussed between the two at all. She had never heard her mother speak of it unless it was necessary. Like that time she was caught with Stacy. Her mother asked her if they were having sex and Sara confirmed that they were. That was one of the rare times. "I'm too old for all of this. I don't even know how to love." Sara wondered if she had ever loved her father even though she was sure there was no love between them while she lived in that household.

"I guess going back to school is good. Why not, right?" Sara stood up, took her glass and her mother's and walked to the sink. "Mum, I'm gonna go out to the bar. I like to do some reading and drink each Saturday. Do you want to come?" She was hoping her mother would decline but she invited out of politeness.

"Oh, no. One glass of red wine is fairly enough to make me fall asleep anytime soon. I'm exhausted. I'm probably going to bed earlier than I usually do." Sara nodded. She secretly sighed in relief.

Tegan watched as her friend continued looking at two women chatting with their drinks in their hands. They stood at the counter while she and Jeremy sat at a booth. Her friend's eyes never for one second shifted away. She was confused which one of them he was interested in. The one with the shoulder-length dark hair or the one with the long burgundy hair.

"Why don't you go talk to her if you're into her?" Tegan asked. Out of inner malice and drops of jealousy that she was not able to comprehend, she was insanely curious to find out what her friend was thinking or feeling at the moment.

"Who?" Jeremy looked at her. He was thinking too loud in his head when a woman that reminded him of the friend seated beside him occupied the blank space he was staring at. She was with a friend and he wasn't able to stop staring and thinking about all those things this woman could have done to break someone's heart the way his friend was breaking his.

"Whoever you're looking at. One of the two. Go talk to her."

"Oh...I...What do I say?" Tegan rolled her eyes. "You're the one into girls...What do I say?"

"And _you're_ the one into girls as well. Jeremy, Jesus...go say anything. I've never done this, I don't know." And that's because everybody was already in love with her. Those people she slept with, they were all in love with her. Even the girls she slept with only one time, they at least liked her or fancied her. And yet, she was always searching for someone to love her.

Jeremy was about to stand up and go to the woman when another woman passed in front of him. In a flash of light, the professor looked to her left because she felt someone staring at her. She stood in her place when her eyes met Jeremy's. Her beer in hand and a book in the other, she almost tripped and spilled her drink. By then, Tegan had already noticed her. At first impulse, she wanted to smile, but then she remembered she wasn't supposed to smile for whatever reason she was not supposed to smile to the woman she was raining love for.

"Got a GPS attached to my body? Wherever I go you're there?" Tegan asked Sara's frozen frame.

"I come here each Saturday," Sara responded in a self-justifying demeanor.

Sara indeed did go to the bar each Saturday since she had returned. It was her usual hangout spot to read and drink in peace and silence before she had ever noticed Tegan's bittersweet existence. Admittedly; however, she was always hoping she'd spot the woman one Saturday or the other by chance. It never happened until this exact day when Tegan was not on her mind because her mother occupied that space instead.

"I'll...go talk to that girl." The rush of jealousy and anger splashed inside Jeremy's heart and brain like a fountain of cold water spraying all that's dead and making it alive. He acted on instinct and decided to seek the girl he had been eyeing for the past half an hour. It was the only way he could keep himself calm and collected.

Tegan and Jeremy stopped their weekly bar hangouts with their friends since that day Tegan slept with Emy and broke up with Sara. She did go to the bar, but not on a specific day, a specific time, and did not sit on a specific table. She hadn't been there since the semester had started, however. She never expected to see Sara there again. The idea was just not born in her brain. And now she did not really want Jeremy to leave her alone in front of Sara to go talk to a girl. She looked at him for a second. She begged him with her eyes.

"Can I...join you?" Sara asked, but Sara already invited herself, sitting next to Tegan. She was still resolved to get the girl she loved and that was another chance to talk to her. It's another chance she couldn't possibly waste.

"Uh...I..." Tegan stuttered.

"Excuse me." Jeremy stood up in a rush and walked right to that girl he was looking at.

"Another victim of the Tegan suitors?" Sara turned her face from looking at Jeremy to look at Tegan's beautiful one.

"We're not together," Tegan exclaimed.

"I did not even assume that," Sara said, then she tsked. "See how you're so defensive that you shouted it?" Her tone was so calm and icy it was driving Tegan mad. "You're happy like that? He must be something in bed."

"That's none of your business." Tegan didn't even understand how Sara was able to tell that she and the man had been sleeping together...or had slept together. And Tegan didn't even know how to deny it because she was so focused on proving Sara wrong even though she knew she'd fail.

"No, I guess it's not." Sara sipped of her drink while looking at Tegan sharply looking at her. "But...is he so good that you don't want to be with me? Does he make you_"

"Stop," Tegan shouted. A couple of people turned their heads to look at them. Jeremy didn't. He was laughing and smiling and joking with the girls. "You're like...a mess." Tegan used the words everybody used with her.

"Oh, I am. I definitely am." Sara rested her head on the table and sighed exasperatedly. Tegan looked at her till tears collected in the older woman's eyes.

Tegan looked all around her. She felt a sense of secondhand embarrassment with what her professor was doing. "How many glasses have you had?" she asked.

"I just got here." Sara wiped her tears and sat up again. She took a sip of the drink she just remembered she had in front of her.

"What do you want now?" Tegan asked.

"You know what I want." Sara's eyes traveled down Tegan's body and stopped at her hands on her lap, then they traveled up once again till they met the hazel eyes underneath the dimness of the lights. "I don't take no for an answer," she whispered.

Tegan didn't say anything after that. They both sat in silence. Defeated hearts and miserable peace were all they had. Tegan wanted to talk but she couldn't, as well as Sara. Maybe the silence was good for them. Maybe it's what Tegan wanted.

"My mum is here," Sara said after awhile.

"Is that why you seem so...exhausted?" Tegan couldn't find the proper word to use and she didn't even think _'exhausted'_ was the proper one. Sara looked paler but not exactly exhausted. She looked defeated and all her nerves were toyed wickedly with.

"I'm just not used to it," the professor said. "When I went back to Vancouver with Stacy I had to tell her about the cancer. She insisted I return to Calgary but I didn't want to because I just had nothing to do with her."

"Stacy took care of you?" Sara nodded. Tegan nodded too. Her eyes shifted to Jeremy chatting with the girl then back to Sara's misty ones.

"She had just gotten a divorce back then and so I stayed with her. I needed someone to do the daily stuff. You know, helping me to the bathroom, bathing me, changing my clothes, feeding me at some point." New information were being told to Tegan. She pictured the friend doing all that Sara had mentioned and pictured herself trying to do it. She believed she could do it because she loved Sara. But a part of her wondered why she cheated when it was too much to take. She wanted to get away when Sara's illness took her happy smile out of that apartment they once shared. "My mother came down to Vancouver instead. It was a bit surprising, but I guess she's a mother..." Sara faltered as she tried to understand her mother's mind.

Tegan; however, she instantly thought of her own mother coming down to Montreal upon realizing she was miserably in love with Sara two year before. "That's kinda ironic." The student chuckled.

"She was there all through therapy. But lived alone because I didn't want her near. My father was sick and she didn't leave me even though I started recovering. She gave me her kidney. My father was hospitalized and mother was still with me in the same city. I was alright. I was fine and I was already working on getting back here. He died and then she went back. I went to the funeral and returned before her. She returned after two weeks and said she had sold the house and was now settling in Vancouver." So much had happened in Sara's life and so little had happened in Tegan's life. It was always too dramatic and eventful every moment in her professor's life. "Of course I left. I was too scared she'd follow...And here she is. She's at my place trying to be my friend when all my life she was this spectre-like enemy to me. Always there but unacknowledged because, you know, she birthed me, breastfed me, supposedly loved me and took care of me. But I just can't see it. I can't see her view. Maybe because I'm not a mother, maybe I don't understand, I don't know. But I want her to go because her presence is suffocating."

"My mother and I hadn't talked to each other for a month." Even though Tegan felt the need to say something that would throw pity at Sara's feet the way the woman required, she instead decided to reveal her own dissension and discord with her mother.

"Why not?" Sara's need to take the younger woman in her arms and hug her was almost awakened when Tegan shifted this way and that with a childish pout on her lips.

"I told her..." Tegan sighed. "I told her you're back and that I didn't know how to feel. She was just angry. I didn't even say I wanted to go back. I mean...I said I wished but I couldn't...but she got angry and told me not to speak to her and just do what I wanted to do. Sara, she hasn't called since then. I only called once and she was so cold to me so I stopped calling and she didn't call again."

It all went back to that day the professor had sat with the mother of her lover to make a deal so clear and honest on Sara's part. It did make sense why Sonia had acted that way, but she wouldn't really expect her to act so cruelly. "You said you wished to go back to me?" Sara asked.

"In theory," Tegan reached for her glass and took a swig of her beer.

"Just tell me what's not making you come back to me?" Sara insisted again.

"Can we not talk about it now? I'm just so damn tired."

"Are you okay?" Sara asked worriedly.

"All those pills...the atmosphere, you, Jeremy, everyone and everything are making me dizzy." Tegan decided she should be pitied too. "You ever loved your mum?" Sara's past interested her. She desired to know more.

Sara's teeth appeared as her lips widened with a breathy smile. She closed her eyes as a memory flashed like lightening right in the back of her mind. She opened them again and her smile widened. Tegan stared in confusion. Sara shook her head with a bigger smile and said, "I remember it was very cold that day." Tegan listened, not knowing where Sara was trying to get to. "November as I could recall. 1992..." Sara laughed when Tegan did first. The younger woman was still not born yet. "Ya. I was very very sick. Extremely sick." Tegan's facial expression changed into a grave, worried one. "I was a very weak child. Being a premature baby and all, you know. I was always sick. But that one winter I had a terrible infection in the middle ear. I mean it was just a casual flue but Stacy and I decided it was a great time to compete over who would finish more popsicles than the other." Tegan laughed. "Ya, I ended up in the ER after winning. Anyway, I got better but I was still very tired and dizzy that day. Too much medication, three injections. I could say I was drugged. Like literally high on flue medication."

"The other day I took my antidepressant pill and a paracetamol and I was so high. It was like weed."

Tegan didn't know why she had said that. The smile Sara gave her was like those motherly smiles she used to give her. Maybe she was childish. But Sara considered it adorable that she had mentioned that. It was like all those times she said something random in the middle of a serious conversation. It was endearing. She deserved a hug that Sara was not allowed to give. Her arms were aching to have the younger woman in her embrace.

"I bet it was like that for me too," Sara said. "Mum took great care of me that day. She told me to choose any film I wanted to see and she'd take me with whoever I wanted to. I was so damn babyish back then. I'd take mum wherever I went. We were not really close but I was, you know, her child. Her baby child and she was happy with that. I was innocent and naive and she was happy with it."

"Like my mum." Sara agreed with a nod.

"I chose The Bodyguard. And I chose Stacy to come along and we all three went to see it. I still remember it. That moment Whitney Houston sat there with her white suit on that chair and sang. It was that exact moment my heart fluttered and my tummy cramped. I looked at Stacy and her eyes were wide and vibrant and I noticed her beauty in a different way. I looked back and I felt things towards the actress I was not supposed to feel. I didn't even know what I was feeling. It was excitement and delirium and heat all at once. I sweated excessively and felt an unfamiliar kick in my female organs that I've never felt before.

"And it was also that moment everything went downhill afterwards. My mother just became my shadowed enemy. Someone I was set to defeat in order to be free and wild. I was fighting each second I had to speak to her. Every word was like a weapon she used against me. Whenever I hinted at my sexuality I was crushed with words that put me down. I was always watched. It's like it hurt her too much that I was not a part of her. That I was someone different and someone she did not want me to be. It hurt her that I was able to choose by myself. With my father it was just plain homophobia, but with her it was more complex. It was like we were fighting over who would win in controlling me. Myself or her.

"My love simply faded with time. And it was never back.

"Just an hour ago she was mourning the fact I was able to take care of me without needing her. It's like she wanted for my life not to have any true meaning without her around. I don't think she'll ever change."

Tegan's frown and furrowed brows expressed her own entanglement of thoughts. She felt something similar when it came to her mother but not in that complex sense Sara had described. She feared her end would be like that. She feared her love for her mother would fade one day. She feared her mother would stop loving her.

"Don't worry, Tegan," Sara said as if she had read her thoughts. "Your mother loves you so much and is just worried. Trust me, I know. She loves all of you. Mine never did. Mine wanted to construct me the way she thought a fine daughter should be. Your mum is simply a careworn woman who'd want her daughter to be happy and not hurt."

"How'd you know?" Tegan asked.

"I simply do," Sara answered. "Call her. Talk to her. Tell her you rejected me and tell her when you're going to take me back I'm not going to disappoint." Sara winked and Tegan furiously blushed.

"What makes you so sure I'll take you back?" Her ruddy cheeks exposed her intentions, anyway.

"I know my loved ones." Sara's hand reached for a curl that covered Tegan's right eye and pushed it back to have a better view of the hazel spheres. "Prithee, don't take too long. My heart is clouded with care."

"You're such a poet." Tegan shook the woman's hand away with a roll of her eyes. Sadly, she was a fool for poets.

She and Sara looked at the man laughing with only the girl that slightly, in Sara's eyes, looked like her lover. "It appears that your buddy has found some delightful company. Shall I escort you to your chamber?"

"If you're going to speak like that all night I'm gonna call the police on you saying a single forty year old lady has been harassing me here all night. They'll find out you're my professor and you're done."

"Bitch." Sara nodded. "Just my type."

Sara and Tegan walked to the apartment she and Jeremy were sharing. Tegan was hoping her friend wouldn't come back with that girl he was with. If so that would be quite awkward. Even Sara thought so.

"You live here now?" Tegan nodded. "That's not his old place, right? It was two streets down." Tegan nodded again. "You know, it would be kind of awkward if he returned with that woman and found you on that bed. In for a threesome?" Sara winked. Tegan scowled. "Still really moody like old times?" No answer. No head motion. No expression but a scowl. "Alright, then. Simple old Teetee." But at that, Tegan couldn't help but smile.

"Goodnight, professor Sara," she said sharply and started walking towards the building.

"You know, a really nice goodnight text would make sad Sara a happier single forty year old lady." No answer was given. She was only faced with Tegan's ass swaying slowly as she walked in the cold of winter to her building. "So bitchy. So lovely," the professor said to herself.

When Sara went back home, her mother was on the sofa in the dark. "God," Sara shrieked. "You scared me." She had her hand on her chest.

"I went to sleep and then I...You're still bleeding?" Sara squinted her eyes. "Your sheets had blood on them. I changed them. I tried to sleep but I got so worried and I couldn't sleep."

"Oh...no, that's...Sorry, I forgot to change them. Ya, I bleed at times. It's normal. It's just really dry...down there and I..." Sara couldn't continue speaking of this matter with her mother. "I just bleed sometimes. It's normal. Don't worry." She forgot she had slept naked the night before. Sometimes after a good orgasm she bled and it was fine. The night before she finally had a good orgasm even though she was crying the entire time she was giving it to herself.

Sara walked to her room and took off her parka. She reached for her pajamas and started changing quickly. Her mother followed and Sara turned around, not wanting to face her. "Why don't we both sleep in your bed? I don't want you to sleep outside."

"It's fine," Sara said.

"Please. Sara, please. Just sleep next to me in your bed." Sara turned around and looked at her mother for a second then nodded. The mother smiled.

Sara went to the bathroom first then went back to her room. Her mother was already in bed. "Are those my sheets when I was young? The baby blue ones that I loved?" Sara put her hand over the sheets and felt the texture. They were hers.

"I kept them all these years and when I was back home to get everything out to sell the house I took them with me. I even brought you your blanket. The one we were looking for when you were pregnant. I finally found it. I even found your baby clothes and toys." Sara looked up at her mother's possessive strong eyes. She tried to smile but couldn't. She wanted to know what the old woman was feeling but she also couldn't. "I didn't want to look around for your sheets and be mistaken for snooping and such so I put these. You don't mind, right?"

"Mum?" The mother looked up and stared directly at her daughter. "Would you do anything for your child to ban them from seeing someone they loved because maybe that someone hurt them? Like would you do it out of love or care or what?"

Evelyn blinked for a moment and then said, "I'd do anything to protect my child. Anything I could. I'd take a bullet for my child. It's a mother's instinct, Sara. You're a mother too. Wouldn't you have done that for Alice?"

"Mum." Sara froze like a statue.

"Is it about that person you love? Tell me, Sara."

Sara was shaken. She was frozen. She didn't want images to return but they weren't even returning. They were like electric shots inside her brain. They were like that one poem: _A heap of broken images, where the sun beats..._

"Sara." Evelyn took her daughter's shaky hand and pulled her towards her. "I'm sorry I mentioned her." Sara closed her eyes.

"I don't remember anything," Sara said slowly with a voice like stones on frost. "I don't remember her. I...I remember waking up and she's gone. I remember...nothing."

"Sara, you held her. I took you to the neonatal unit. The nurse handed her carefully to you. Don't you remember?" Sara shook her head quickly. "You...you even attempted feeding her but she was too weak. She needed intensive care so she was immediately back in the incubator." Sara's heart started beating too quickly. Her memories were safely chained and now they were being unleashed by her mother. "Next day we did the same thing. The nurse said she wouldn't latch on and you insisted you'd try. You cried when she didn't and the nurse told you she's too small and weak and shouldn't even be out of the incubator."

"Why are you telling me this?" Sara shouted.

"I...I'm sorry." Evelyn didn't know if her daughter was having some sort of memory loss or denial. Sara seemed clueless. When she talked to Stacy about it, the woman told her that Sara had lost all that memory. But Stacy also assumed that Sara was pretending not to remember any of that.

Sara, on the other hand, she remembered having an early birth that resulted in miscarriage. That's what she and Jack agreed on in the hospital after their loss. That's how she had seen it all these years. She insisted on seeing it that way so she wouldn't hurt her brain. When the news were delivered to her she didn't want to hear how and why. She knew her flesh and blood had no chance of surviving with an early birth that gave her such a weak child. Therefore, she pretended it was a miscarriage that she had because it was so in her brain. All these details about her carrying her daughter for just a risky minute were not there. She harboured them in some dark alley inside the depths of her brain nerves.

"How did she die?" Sara asked with a quivering voice. She decided she should know. She decided she deserved to know what she refused to know all these years.

"A week after. She was just too small and weak. Her heart stopped functioning."

"I don't remember." Sara blinked. "What happened next?"

"You cried a lot. You slept a lot. You took it upon yourself. You didn't want to talk to anybody but Jack." Sara remembered that part. Jack was her comfort even when she was a bother to him.

"You were there," Sara said. Evelyn nodded. "Dad was not." The mother shook her head. "I wish I don't remember. Why did you make me remember?"

"I'm sorry," Evelyn said. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to. I just meant to put you in the picture. To me you're a mother too even if your baby left." Sara didn't want to hear that. She wanted to kill another memory and sleep it away. She lay on her side and wept. "I'm sorry, darling." Sara continued weeping. She wanted her mother to go home. She wanted this woman to disappear. Each word came out of her seemed intentionally aiming to stab her where it hurt the most.

Jeremy walked in his dark room after two hours. The lamp besides Tegan's resting head was switched on by the said woman. She squinted her eyes in the dark as her friend undressed himself. She sat up and yawned.

"I thought you'd be with her all night. Seemed like you two clicked." Jeremy got beside her and nodded. "What happened?"

"I was supposed to go to her place. I just couldn't. I really couldn't. I have her number, though. She's not that bad. Good sense of humour."

"Maybe I should leave this place," Tegan said to herself.

"No," Jeremy said. "No. Not yet. You're not even secure with a job yet."

"Don't you want to bring girls home? Have a life?"

"We'll talk about it later. I'm tired." Jeremy ended the discussion. They both went back to sleep.

In the morning, Sara woke up with sore eyes. She rubbed them and reached for her phone. Her mother was not beside her and it felt like one of those normal days she woke up alone. Shockingly, she found a text message from the girl she wanted to get a text from the most. She opened it with a rush.

"Sweet dreams, Dr. Clement," Sara read loudly. Her smile reached from one ear to the other. But soon it faded when she realized she hadn't responded to Tegan because she was too busy weeping her way to slumber.

 _Good Morning, Tegan Rain. I should have had more hope that I'd receive a text by you last night. It made my morning, however._

 _Thought it's one of you silly mind games._

 _I swear to the dearest thing you own I have just read it :/_

 _I believe you._

Sara put her phone down and walked to the bathroom. It's amazing how a young woman made her day and turned it upside down. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and then changed her clothes. She walked out and found her mother in the kitchen. A cup of coffee was quickly handed to her and a plate of mini cinnamon rolls with pancakes on the side was put in front of her. She gasped when she saw her most favourite sugary breakfast meal since she was a child. Without her noticing, her mother embraced her side and pecked her cheek.

"I love you. You know that, right?" Sara nodded only to brush off the awkward touch and embrace that her mother had put her in. She knew too well her mother did not really love certain parts of her. And to her it meant her mother did not love her.

That day went smoothly for both Sara and Tegan. Tegan spent it studying and Sara took her mother to places she hadn't seen before. It was her first visit to Montreal. She loved the place but insisted on fishing more details about Sara's life.

"I can't just learn stuff from Stacy. That one never shuts up and never gives me something useful." Sara laughed. "You should get a car. Do you want money?"

"I'm going to get one soon. If I wanted money, I'll ask. Okay?"

"Okay," Evelyn said. "And call. I want you to call if I don't. I just want to feel like you care sometimes." That part awakened bits of Sara's guilt. She nodded.

"I will. I care," she said in a rush.

Monday morning, Evelyn stood at the bathroom door watching her daughter apply her make up. "Look at you. Who would've thought. Make up and a skirt." She pointed at Sara's black skirt. "If I showed teenager Sara with her blonde hair all of that she would yell at me and tell me not to force her to be someone she's not."

"Your point?" Sara said aggressively.

"N...nothing. I'm just surprised that is all. Your hair is even longer. You're suddenly all girlish."

"I used to wear dresses and had long hair when I was with Jack."

"Ya," the mother said. "But then you went back to your ways and_"

"My ways?" Sara exclaimed. She pushed her mother on her way out of the bathroom. "What ways exactly are my ways?"

"Being with...women? It's a woman you're after, right?"

Sara's patience was running out. She closed her eyes and opened them once again. She remained silent while putting on her black oxfords. She looked up and saw her mother looking at her. Suddenly, she had the urge to rain on her mother all the things she had never said before.

"My ways are that I am a bisexual woman. I am into both men and women." Sara was speaking loudly. "My ways are that I love to experience with my attire since I was a child and you know that. I love to look masculine and feminine all at the same time. Jack loved those parts of me even when he stopped loving me. Stacy loves them. Everybody does but you and father."

"Calm down," Evelyn's deep octave reverberated in the room. "All I wanted was to see you happy and normal. That's all I wanted. Yet things kept standing in your way and that hurt me. I just wanted you to love and be loved and have a child and just be...normal."

"Goddamn it," Sara screamed. "What's normal, anyway? That I look like you? Act like you? Marry a man I never loved like you?" Silence met Sara's ears when she paused. "You don't even know what love is you can't speak of it and wish it upon me when you married someone only because he fucked you and got you knocked up one time."

"Watch your mouth," her mother shouted.

"No. I'm done watching my mouth in front of you. I'm tired of you acting as if you're the dove spreading peace when you just crawl like a little worm biting on everything that's good. You mask your distaste with my decisions and throw words that make me feel less of a human here and there. I see it. I'm not dumb."

"I don't do that." Her mother was crying.

"Yes you do. Goodman it, you do. I was never scared of anyone in my entire life more than I was scared of you. I was not terrified with my cancer the way you terrified me with every judgmental look from those dead eyes of yours. And each time you spoke as if I was never going to be happy and succeed because of my decisions made me believe I was forever going to be a failure till I became one. I couldn't hold a relationship. I couldn't be anything. Pain chased me everywhere till I believed I'm an antagonist in this life. I believed I'm the real plague and I'm a project unfinished and left to decay in this world. I believed everyone was there to give up on me so I had to give up on them first in order to convince myself I'm in control of my own life when it was your stupid ideas and methods planted in my brain all along.

"Sara, wear this. Sara, walk like that. Sara, don't talk about that. Sara, keep your opinions to yourself. Sara, don't read too much you might know too much and it will ruin your brain. Isn't that what you used to say? Nobody will ever love you if you continued sharing your strange opinions. Nobody would want someone who thinks this way. Nobody would be with someone who acts and dresses that way." Sara was crying as well as her mother. "You said it. All of it. You always said it and I always believed it because you shaped what it's like to be normal and loved and I was not it. And I'm never it to your eyes but I am to me." She put her face in her hands and sobbed.

She was late for her class and she couldn't even manage facing her students in this manner anymore. Everything she had locked inside of her in the past had found an escape route that Monday morning.

She felt relief resting at her chest. She felt purified and purged of all her past woes. She felt clean and empty of dread and fear. She felt like she's a human being who's satisfied with all that she was. All the components that made her beautiful and ugly at the same time, those were hers and there to be loved, cherished, nursed, and taken care of. She was a person who was alive like all those people around her despite every stitch her body had witnessed and every tear the time had seen. She was Sara and she loved every tiny part of Sara even if her mother or whoever else did not love it.

Her mother decided to leave that morning. She took her suitcase and left the apartment. Sara did not feel happy nor sad. She felt relieved and satisfied. She rested on her mattress with eyes staring at the ceiling above her head and thought about the steps she was supposed to take with the new life she was leading. A life full of acceptance of her past, present, and state of mind.

She reached for her phone as it buzzed. It was a text message from Tegan.

 _I tried to resist the urge not to text you but my worry won. Why didn't you come to university today?_

 _I need to give you something. It's necessary. Are you willing to meet me at your street right now?_

 _My street?_

 _I don't wanna go up to your place. I want to give you something and I want you to be alone when you take a look at it._

 _Sure. I'm there already. Tell me to come down when you arrive._

It was time Tegan also knew everything about Sara. It was time Sara opened up and told the world everything about her, not just Tegan alone. But first, she'd start with Tegan. And first, she'd want Tegan to know the reason she had broken up with her and left her. She folded the page that told that particular story.

When Tegan came down, Sara was waiting for her with that notebook in hand. Tegan's eyes widened. Sara was well-dressed but her eyes were smeared with make-up and her face smeared with exhaustion.

"What happened?" Tegan asked.

"A lot," Sara answered. "I'll tell you about it...but first." She handed Tegan the notebook. "You need to read this first. You'll know all that I feel about you and myself and everything. You'll understand everything."

"That's your notebook, though. Nobody is supposed to read it." Tegan felt overwhelmed and slightly worried. Her heart was shaking inside her chest.

"You _are_ supposed to read it," Sara said. "Start with the folded page. It's the most important of them all."

"You're scaring me."

"I want you to know everything. I want you to know me well. I want you to love me, pity me, and be with me."

"Sara." Sara's anguish was crystal clear on her features. Tegan felt sorrow reaching her through Sara's barren eyes.

"I have to go. I'm going to leave you alone to read. My door is always open for you."

Sara left. Tegan went back to the apartment. Her shaky hands messed with the pages. She saw drawings and writings and different scribbling as she flipped through the pages till she reached that particular folded page.

 _'April, 2014_

 _'Storms are standing at my gate. Numerous ones in colourful forces. I thought I did not fear colours but I am rather mistaken. Each day births a fresh pain. Each day I'm kicked down where it stings and aches. I wake up promising a better morning for her but I end up making her nights end up in mourning._

 _'The least I expected was for her mother to visit. As I have said, it was not bad...but now I take my words back._

 _'Today I made a cheap bargain with the old woman. I made a deal. Yesterday she told me not to respond to her daughter's text messages because she wanted her daughter to think of herself and not me. I felt selfish that I wanted her to think of me as well. Tegan sent one text after the other and I cried salty tears on my own._

 _'This morning her mother, the doctor, arranged a meeting with me. I picked the place because she was unfamiliar with this city. We sat at the same table I sat with her daughter at and I pleaded to be with her daughter. She told me I was going to die. She said I was not a fighter because I was fed on by my cancer. She's a doctor, she knows better._

 _'And since she knows better she promised me that if I came back with a healthy self and an undamaged mind, I could be with her daughter. I promised marriage like a fool. I promised eternal love and I promised everything. I promised things I'm not sure I can give her now that I am writing this._

 _'She thinks I do not want her company but I desire it more than any other. I am only doing what a lover should do. I am discharging her from my burdens. I am releasing her into her vibrant youth, even though I wish to occupy it for my soul. I do not have hope in returning and I wish I'd be with her till the last breath I take. But I was to be a mother once and I have the heart of one. I cannot leave her to sustain my illness with me when I cannot do so myself. I cannot allow her to suffer being in an infertile love. A love that would eventually birth death and no more._

 _'I took Sonia's orders and signed the deal with my own tears. If I ever returned by a graceful miracle, I shall court her and love her. I shall take her to be a wife for me and that's a promise to keep me fighting despite the war I've already lost.'_


	5. Scared, but Stay and Speak

Stacy rolled up the blinds as soon as she entered the dark apartment. Her daughter ran inside giggling with all her youthful energy. A stuffed tiger in her hands as she stepped closer to the sofa Sara had slept on the night before. When the sun began to make itself present in the suffocated apartment, a groan was heard from Sara's lips. Stacy looked back and saw her friend covering her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You're going to stay like this? Get up," Stacy ordered. She started picking up the glasses and plates on Sara's coffee table to take them to the kitchen.

Sara looked up with squinted eyes and saw Ella's innocent face right above her, smiling widely and cheerfully. She smiled in return and threw her arms in the air to receive Ella in a hug. The kid threw herself on Sara's body and leaned her head on Sara's shoulder. Sara laughed when Ella climbed up on top of her and rested her full tiny body above the blanket that was covering Sara's own body.

"How are you, little Tiger?" Sara asked in a hushed whisper. Ella laughed softly. She loved being called _Tiger_. She loved tigers. Tegan loved tigers as well, and loved being called that. Sara always remembered Tegan through Ella. "Doing good today?" Ella hummed with a laugh. Stacy reappeared again. She stood in front of Sara with hands on hips and a tough look on her face. "What now? What are you doing here?" Sara stroked Ella's hair.

"Childish behaviour again? Really? Till when?" Since Stacy had moved to Montreal just three days ago Sara hadn't stopped her miserable acts of feeling sorry for herself. Or since ever she gave that notebook to Tegan just five days ago and Tegan hadn't spoken to her since then. She ran away after class and never responded to her text messages. Sleeping on the couch and watching one film after another while keeping the apartment dirty was what Sara was punishing herself with.

"Leave me alone to my sadness. I like it this way." Stacy had been in Sara's apartment the previous night. She brought dinner and they ate and talked. Sara promised she was going to clean everything but Stacy didn't believe her. Stacy was told to leave so Sara could clean, but Sara didn't because she felt too sad to do so.

"Okay...but till when?" Stacy decided to come in the early morning and check on her friend. She saw what she expected, Sara asleep on the sofa and the apartment the same it had been the previous night. "You should be happy. You're healthy, don't waste it." Stacy was given a spare key when she came here. She took advantage of the access she had to Sara's apartment.

"Till I'm not sad anymore," Sara whispered.

The little girl lifted her head up again and looked at the professor. "Why are you sad, Sasa?" she asked.

"You call her auntie Sara, not Sasa. She's not your age." Sara rolled her eyes at her bossy friend. She whispered something to Ella her mother couldn't hear.

Ella turned around and said, "Shut up, mummy." She stuck her tongue out and Sara fell into mad exaggerated laughter, pointing at her scowling friend.

"Always going to be a kid." Stacy shook her head.

"At least not a bitter, bossy bitch," Sara shouted to her friend as the platinum-haired girl walked out of the living room with more trash from the night before in her hands.

"Your mouth, for God's sake," Stacy shouted back. She never liked it when Sara cursed in front of her daughter. Sara never listened and always said what she wanted to say.

"Do you know why I'm sad, Ella?" Ella shook her head. She sat up and straddled Sara. Sara sat up as well and yawned. "Because the girl I love won't be my wife."

"Ohhhh." Ella cupped her mouth as an indication of shock. Sara laughed at the child. "She's naughty."

"She is. She's very naughty." Even though Tegan was always mentioned since ever Sara had left her and moved in with Stacy, she still didn't expect the little girl to remember who she was. Yet that teddy bear always reminded her of Tegan. When Ella saw it standing still in Sara's room in this apartment, she ran to it and hugged it. She didn't ask Sara if it was Tegan's, however. Sara tried to teach Ella to pronounce the girl's name right, but the name was morphed from Tegub to Tegum, and never the accurate Tegan.

"You said you know her place. Go to her." Stacy came back with a glass of water in her hand and a pill from those ones Sara was swallowing for her hormone replacement.

"I can't take it with an empty stomach." Sara put the pill on the coffee table. Stacy took it away in case her daughter might get curious and swallow it like she had done the year before. She did not want a repeat of the fright they were in.

"I'll get you something to eat."

Sara put the little girl down and removed the blanket off her skin. She shivered a tad as the breeze hit her exposed legs. She was asleep in her underwear and a sleeveless shirt. She stood up and walked behind Stacy to the kitchen. Ella followed behind them. "I gave her the notebook and told her to take her time. I didn't expect her to ignore me. I mean, maybe she's taking her time, but I suppose she has read it...don't you think?"

Stacy turned around and shrugged. "Maybe." She opened the fridge and took two eggs out of it. "Does she know how sad she's making you?" Stacy said with a tone that indicated judgment and furry.

"Do you know how sad she might be now that she found out what her mother and I had agreed on?" Sara answered with the same tone except she was even more furious. Stacy shook her head in silence. "Okay...then don't judge." Stacy nodded as she waited for the oil in the pan to heat up. Sara felt stupid yelling like that at her friend. She just wanted to help. She was only in love with her. "How's work?"

"Work," Stacy answered dryly. Sara had asked her the same question the previous day.

Stacy began to worry her friend might be going into one of those clinical depressions. She heard a doctor say that depression was no good for a cancer patient or a cancer survivor. She felt the need to distract Sara away from her Tegan thoughts. She knew, though, that there was no way to do that. She wanted Sara to be happy. It's all she wanted. Sara being happy meant her being happy. She wanted them both to have the normal happy life she imagined them having since she was a little child. She had fantasies about herself and Sara. She'd be married and Sara too and they'd have kids. Their kids would be great friends. Sometimes, when their husbands would be away, she and Sara would sneak kisses and blush as they remembered their teenage days. She had that type of love for Sara, more platonic than sexual despite how sexual she had gotten with the woman. She just wanted to have a happy house, a happy marriage, a happy family, and a happy friend with her own happy house, marriage, and family. But her marriage was a failure and her kid was growing up without a father, without proper financial aid, and with a mother who was working at a hospital all day long instead of spending time with her. Her friend almost died many times, lost her marriage, her baby, her lover who she wouldn't stop chasing, and was always sad. She didn't want that. She wanted Sara to have something because if she did, that meant they could both have something. She thought she couldn't live happily without a husband but now she knew she could manage if Sara was happy. The key to Sara's own happiness was Tegan. Now she had another fantasy; Sara marrying Tegan and having a kid with her. Ella could be a great older sister or friend to the baby. She wanted that because it's her last chance of true happiness, a happiness built on someone else's happiness.

Ella came up from behind them with the human-size teddy bear in her hands. She was struggling to balance herself or the bear. Sara laughed and walked up to her. She put the bear on a chair and picked up Ella and put her on another. She sat on the third one. "I'd give it to you if it was mine." Stacy looked back to see the scene. She smiled just a little but turned her head back to watch the omelet she had in the pan.

"It is not yours?" Ella asked. Her blue eyes were wide and beautiful.

"No." Sara shook her head. "It's Tegan's." Ella covered her mouth again and Sara nodded.

"Tegum's?" Sara nodded again. "Where is she?" Ella looked around as if the name of the girl the kid was told about but never remembered had suddenly found a body and the body was somewhere around the house. Ella didn't remember Tegan. She didn't know who that was. But Sara always mentioned her and so Tegan was a person in Ella's head. A person just like her. Some little girl who liked stuffed animals and had a tiny ponytail or a pigtail hairstyle. A girl who wore dresses and was always with her mother. And the mother was Sara in the little picture Ella drew in her head.

"She's not here." Sara frowned. "That's why I'm sad."

"Ohhh." Ella didn't get it. She felt helpless.

Stacy looked back again and a devious smirk was painted on her face. She found it. She found the way to end this misery and make Sara happy. She had to do it. She didn't care how much it was going to cost her and who would get angry but she had to do it.

Tegan rubbed her left temple for what seemed to be the tenth time in the past two seconds as she focused on each word. She was tired of sobbing but she couldn't stop. She couldn't make sense of what she was reading, seeing, looking at, or feeling. Sara Clement loved her in every form a human could love someone. She loved her while asleep, while crying, while in pain, while complaining, while naked, while dressed, while she was away, while she was near, while she was angry, or too quiet. It was written right there. Sara never understood her and she was dying to understand her. Sara was scared of her eyes the way she was still scared of Sara's golden ones. Sara described their sexual intimacy in details she felt too coy to reread after the first time. She described what it felt being inside her. She painted a picture that narrated how warm, wet, and tight her walls were inside and how Sara's fingers slid gently but without much ease in her _"rosy entrance."_ And when Sara tired to pull she couldn't do it easily because she didn't want to hurt her even the slightest. She wanted to keep going and push and stroke the depths that her sex was hiding. She wanted to stay there for hours until Tegan was finally dry and pain was emerging, then she'd pull out, then she'd kiss where her fingers had been and say sorry if she did cause pain. But she never did because she never got the chance to do that. The image was twisted, but Tegan loved it. Sara described the shade of her nipples and how her lips were magnetized to their hardness. Sara gave an image to her taste, it's a taste, how could someone give an image to someone's fluids? _"Even though she made me imagine it as the taste of peaches, I cannot deny that the first ever touch between the juice and my tongue is always, always too heady and strong that I must close my eyes to absorb it. Then comes a type of saltiness as that of the calm sea. With more savouring, the gooey sweetness as that of the naked stars in a summer's evening hits my taste buds till my eyes roll to the back of my head and the hair on my skin rises, my nipples promptly wake up if they are asleep, and my clit screams so loud for a touch that I have to surfeit its hunger with a hump to anything that's beside me. As if I can fool that tiny helpless part of my body with meaningless thrusts. At the end, only at the end, I do truly taste peaches because it's the fruit of life, and the last taste of her when she comes, is the nectar that gives me life."_ Yes, Sara loved her to this degree.

Sara left her because she was told if she truly loved her she should leave. Goddamn it, that love, it was that love she was searching for. It was the great fairytale love she never thought would ever cross her way. Sara loved her more. Sara made her a queen in that kingdom inside that notebook. How was she to look into Sara's eyes anymore? How was she going to speak to her mother after that? How was she going to think of anything anymore? How was her heart going to give her excuses not to return to Sara?

But there was still that one damn excuse. One stupid excuse, she didn't want to go back to Sara because Sara might be gone after two months. Sara might get ill and die, and after that love was exposed Tegan couldn't bear losing Sara.

Death's the only truthfulness about life, that was a fact. It's a fact nobody could deny. It was the law of life. Cursed death, it always haunted vibrant souls. But why did it have to haunt so soon? And Sara was still a ripe prey for death. Sara was one of the endangered species. There was no second version of her in this world, Tegan was sure. And her sickness might attack with full force at anytime. She could be with Sara and wake up again without Sara.

There was for sure the little trivial parts that she and Sara needed to speak of, the fact that Sara looked at her as _"A child whom I laugh at when she gets mad" an_ d _"A baby, she's a baby. Her anger is like a baby's. You don't get angry when babies cry and break things, you don't take them seriously. You laugh at them. They make you smile and cheery. She's just like that."_

And the fact that Sara hid many things from her. _"I hide because I love her. I can't break the picture of perfection that she sees through her eyes. She's a child, I can't give her an image of the real world. I hide because it's necessay for now. I hide because she still thinks I am a woman capable of anything even moving mountains. I hide because she still cries when I give her an advice and she thinks I'm scolding her because I solely desire it. I hide because she doesn't know and won't understand and it won't hurt her not knowing. I hide because it's better to have a perfect picture of me inside of her. Because I love when she fears me and I love that she doesn't know how much I fear her."_

Tegan hated that since ever, being treated as a child and not being told what Sara was going through or feeling. These things stood in their way and they needed to discuss them, but again, they were not as serious as Mr. Death. He was a wild one. He was an angry hermit. He was bigger than them. He was the only one they couldn't stand against or kill no matter what.

"She's really...poetic," Jermey said. That's another point she and Sara needed to discuss. The exaggeration in the melodramatic use of language was quite unnecessary. Tegan loved it, but that was for flirting only. Marriage? Something so serious and grave, something she didn't believe in? That needed serious talk, not poetic use of words that showed romanticized anguish.

Jeremy wasn't supposed to get his hands on that notebook. Nobody was supposed to do that. But when he begged and pleaded to read parts of it, Tegan couldn't say no. She hated that about herself, she never said no to those whom she loved. How did one say no? How did one refuse or reject without hurting the other?

Sara also disliked a trait she had just practiced, telling or showing her friends everything that went between them. " _My life is my own box of secrets. If I choose to share it with Tegan it's because I love her more than I love hiding those secrets. But then I discover Tegan had informed her friends and all those who know about us things I never wanted to get out. She can't understand the concept of privacy. When two people have their own secrets, they do not go tell everyone about them. I never tell Stacy about our quarrels or what she likes to receive when we are sexually engaged or any private issue she didn't want anybody but me to discover. Of course I do hide important matters when I can't be sure she will keep them inside."_ And back to the hiding issue. Perhaps she played a role in that part. Yes, she probably did. It's hard to admit it but maybe now she could admit it. She wanted to fix their relationship and be happy as well, she was scared but she wished to have Sara back, therefore she had to begin with removing her faults first.

"Was she like that all the time? Poems and formal words and strange use of English? I feel like I'm reading Shakespeare but with a modern sense," Jeremy said again.

"Kind of." They were both sitting cross-legged on the bed they were still sharing. Their knees were touching and the notebook was on her friend's lap. He still didn't call the girl. He still welcomed Tegan home. The only touches they shared were small hugs and fast kisses on both cheeks. Sometimes she woke up cuddled up to him. She'd feel the hardness on her bum and would swiftly move away without making her friend feel embarrassed about it. She felt guilty after it but that part of her that always sought to be desired felt satisfied that she was still able to turn him on no matter who she loved and who he had an eye on. "She had a dirty mouth though. She cursed a lot," Tegan finally spoke again.

"And a very dirty mind." Jeremy squinted at words Tegan couldn't see. "Wow...that's...too much..." He looked at his friend up and down. His eyes glowed in hints of lust.

"What are you reading?" Tegan stretched her arms in order to reach for the notebook.

 _"Beneath the dark curls there was a very tiny, yet insanely swollen, bud,"_ Jeremy read. _"Of course I didn't see well because she insisted the lights were off but I can confirm that her clit was about to burst if my mouth wouldn't wet it. The two soft and small inner lips, and I happened to discover this morning are dark pink, leaning towards a purplish hue, enfolded the clit. More hair covered the outside parts. The darkness had its own sacredness. Her bashfulness and carefulness made it seem as if we were performing sacred acts. It makes me feel so exposed to declare so honestly that she truly has..."_ Jeremy paused. He looked up at Tegan and continued, _"A pretty pussy."_

Two circles of deep redness were on each side of her cheeks. Her heart drummed against her chest and her mouth had went dry. Jeremy's face was flushed as well. He was too shocked to be reading this out loud and not being able to stop. Why couldn't he stop? He'd seen his friend naked and touched her and saw all that Sara had described. Yet they never spoke about it, or talked about it, or joked about it, or made comments about each other's bodies. He remembered only one time telling Tegan her breasts had awfully decreased in size and never did it again when he felt the discomfort. She only mouthed how good he felt inside of her a few times, and she was mostly wasted by intoxicating lust. He never commented on the hair on her mound or how wet she was or how it felt to be inside of her. It was a secret act, not sacred, not special.

"Uh...I...she likes details." Tegan was finally able to swallow.

"It's fine. She's just so descriptive." A nervous chuckle escaped his lips. When he skipped to another page, he saw a drawing of the nude form of his friend. He looked at each part and saw the description Sara had given her in words then connected it to the picture. "She's very sexual."

"She is."

"She really loves you."

"She does," Tegan confirmed it loudly for the first time.

"Why are you still here?"

"I'm scared." Before Jeremy could speak, she continued, "I told you why." He nodded.

"What about your mum? What are you gonna do about that?" Jeremy asked.

Tegan shrugged at first, but then she said, "I know she loves me but I don't appreciate what she did." Jeremy nodded again. "If I decide to go back and she steps in the way, the hell with her, honestly. She can't have a saying. It's my life and I'm the one who will get hurt or not."

"I'm sorry." Jeremy handed the notebook back to Tegan.

"For?"

"What I did years ago," he said. "For calling your mother and causing this problem. I was jealous. I was worried and selfish. I didn't know she loved you this much."

"But you knew how much I loved her." He nodded. "It takes two to form a unity. It takes two not one, don't you forget that."

"You're starting to speak like her. I don't understand these vague sentences," Jeremy complained.

"You may love me, but you do not understand love." Maybe Tegan was speaking like Sara, but she was clear and he was destined to understand.

"I don't understand you."

"Because I'm not the one for you," Tegan gave him the answer loud and clear.

He should have seen it from the start. But he's happy, he's happy he was able to feel her body intertwined with his and know what it's like to be inside of her fully. Sara would never know that, he thought. But he was able to know it and he was happy and proud and a bit ashamed of himself and the fact he was happy and proud. He even got to release inside of her once. He knew she loved it. He knew she wanted to feel it again if it wasn't for the scare they both had after that. He wanted to tell her to go on the pill but he never wanted to interfere in her life and her choices. Sara would never be able to come inside of her. Tegan could never feel that feeling again. He had his man pride remembering that moment, these different moments when he felt too much and she felt nothing. Yet, after all that, Sara was still the winner and he was nothing. So there was really no reason for him to be happy and proud and every reason he had was a repulsive sexist one. He knew that. He knew it too well.

Sara hated weekends because they reminded her of how lonely she was. But with Stacy around, weekends were better because they were able to be lonely together while little Ella played with her stuffed animals or ran around the place. The feeling of domesticity was what Sara liked and wanted around. While her head rested on Stacy's lap as she watched the movie on the screen, she closed her eyes and imagined it's Tegan whose lap her head was on. She imagined it was their child running around. She also imagined it was just a calm, relaxed weekend, she cooked in the morning, and now they were relaxing in the evening, and after that they'd have gentle or rough sex at night when their kid went to sleep.

When Sara opened her eyes she saw Stacy knitting above her. She saw the wrinkles lining the corners of her lips and under her eyes. She saw fear, she saw tiredness, she saw sorrow. She also saw killer routine and loss of life. She frowned and pulled the piece of wool from her friend's hands.

Sara sat up and looked at her friend. "This will hurt your eyes. Knitting isn't good for you."

"Why?" Stacy asked, "I waste my time with it."

"Exactly," Sara said. "They used to give it to women back in the early centuries to distract them from doing useful things. You've got a brain and good looks, what are you doing here knitting useless stuff?"

"I was knitting you a beanie." Stacy glared.

"I can buy a dozen." That sounded harsh after Sara said it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." she apologized after. "Look, Stace, I just think that you need to get out. Take care of yourself and have fun. You didn't have time before but now you do because Ella is safe here with me."

"Oh, no." Stacy chortled as if it was the most amusing thing ever. "I can't leave Ella and have fun. I can't allow myself that. I'm not like that, you know me." Sara did know her. Stacy always made sure those she cared about were happy and satisfied before she remembered her own self. Most of the times she never did.

"That's not healthy," Sara said that in a louder tone, it made Ella look at them. "Don't you want to date? Have a relationship?" she whispered these questions, however. Stacy shook her head. "When was the last time you've had sex?" Sara said that in the lowest tone she had.

"I don't want to date. I don't want a relationship. I don't want a strange man to enter Ella's life. I don't want all that. I'm happy like that." Stacy shrugged. "And...I don't remember...but it was years ago." It was years ago also for Sara, so she didn't really find it strange. She didn't want to go in depth with her curiosity and ask if her friend touched herself or not. Of course she did, who didn't if they didn't have sex? But the line stood at that with her friend. It was better this way, better than crossing boundaries.

"I'm worried about you," Sara said instead.

"I'm actually worried about _you_ ," Stacy said. "I don't like this whole...depressed Sara. It scares me." Sara frowned. "I hope you get what you want so you can be happy Sara again."

"I hope so." But Sara was not that hopeful, she was a pessimist and it was against her will. She couldn't change it after all that she'd been through.

"Are things still heated between you and your mum? She really cried a lot when I said goodbye to her." Stacy informed her that already. She told her about how her mother cried and made Stacy promise she'd take care of Sara. She told her about how regretful her mother felt.

"I called her." Sara did because she promised she'd call her mother. When she called, her mother cried. She mouthed too many apologies. She kept saying she loved her. "It's better now." Sara cried too because it was hard hearing her mother cry this much just to get her forgiveness. Tension was still there, but yes, it was better.

"That's good," Stacy said and Sara nodded.

On Monday, Stacy was determined to do what she thought of doing. It was a good idea when she thought of it. It would make Sara happy if she succeeded. But she was scared she wouldn't succeed because Tegan didn't like her. She didn't know why Tegan didn't like her but it wasn't new to her. Nobody liked her much. Everybody hated how bitchy she seemed. She wasn't bitchy, she was just extremely defensive and irritatingly talkative, two habits she couldn't let go of. But she wasn't bitchy. She took care of things, she did her job, she cried alone when nobody saw her, she became jealous but never showed it, she loved in utter silence, but mostly, she cared a lot and took care of those she cared for.

Her heart pounded against her chest when she knocked on the door. Ella was at Sara's and she was just out of work. She worried where Ella would stay after she returned from kindergarten. But she was lucky enough to have Sara, whose job ended early, which made her offer to pick up the child and babysit her till Stacy finished at five. She was also lucky that her shift was from seven in the morning to five. Some of the people there worked more than that. Some worked at midnight. She couldn't do that. She needed to relax and rest and take care of her kid.

When the door was opened, her random thoughts went away as she remembered the beating inside her chest. Tegan appeared at the door. A very pale, a very exhausted-looking, a very petite and small Tegan appeared. Her hair messy and in a small ponytail, her white tank-top transparent revealing an emerald green bra under, and her pajama shorts were very short, black, and exposed her skinny, bony, scrawny, and frail legs. When Sara described how she had become, Stacy didn't believe it, but now she could see it, and it did frighten her.

Tegan was more than shocked. She was confused, confounded, and awfully bewildered. Despite the change of hair-colour (which Tegan did not understand nor like) and despite the apparent aging and the baggy work attire, she was still able to know it's Stacy from the first glance after she opened the door. What was the woman doing there? Tegan tried to look if Sara was behind, or someone else. There was nobody, only Stacy, in her unflattering, blue scrubs, a large parka, and her silver hair. First thing came up to her mind, Stacy was still pretty, and she was still jealous of her.

"Can I come in?" Stacy asked. It felt as if they had been standing there for too long but it had only been five seconds.

"Uh...What do you want?" Tegan did not want to be rude, but she did not want any messenger or envoy from Sara to woo her.

"I want to speak with you," Stacy said formally. "Sara doesn't know I'm here," then she said gently.

Tegan rolled her eyes as she held the door open. "If I hurt Sara again you will murder me at night with your sharp knife that you keep under your pillow, and if I'll be with Sara you'll be watching closely like a hawk and controlling our lives because you can. Yes, I know the scenario."

Stacy was trying to be patient. She bit her lower lip and smiled to force her tongue not to mouth the loud _'you're a fucking bitch'_ that was twirling in there. "That's not true," she said instead. She swallowed then said again, "I just want peace...I want to make things clear."

"You know what? I'm too tired to stand, I might faint at any moment, my ice is going to be warm water because of you, and I'm not that rude...so come in."

Tegan hadn't slept well since that day she received the notebook. She wasn't able to sleep. She went over line after the other and read Sara's sayings and Sara's quotes from different works. _"My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me. / Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak. / What are you thinking of? What thinking? What? / I never know what you are thinking. Think."_ She reread this particular T. S. Eliot's quote. Why? Because an entire banter about her was written right under. Not only that, but also a small drawing of her. Sara complained about her silence. Tegan didn't remember she was that quiet, but perhaps she was. Perhaps she hurt Sara with that.

Stacy came in to a tidy apartment. It was small, but neat. Apparently the Jeremy Sara had mentioned with scorn wasn't around. She sat on the sofa and looked at the glass full of ice on the coffee table. Tegan asked her if she wanted something to drink, she didn't want anything, so Tegan sat cross-legged next to her. She faced her, leaving a generous space between them, however. Stacy took out the pack of cigarettes out of her pocket then took off her parka. She put it next to her while Tegan watched closely.

"A nurse." Tegan hummed. "I didn't know you were a useful fellow to this community." Stacy wanted to scream _'bitch'_ once again. But she didn't...once again. "How the fuck do you know where I stay?"

Tegan reached for her cup and picked a cube with her fingers, putting it in her mouth.

"Sara showed me around the town and of course where you live was included." Sara was obsessed, Stacy thought. But everybody was obsessed when it came to love.

The crunching sound was bothering Stacy. Tegan was chewing ice as if it's some kind of food. "Uh...can I smoke a cigarette?" Stacy asked.

"Go ahead," Tegan said while trying to put up with the chilliness of the ice in her mouth. "Isn't that creepy for Sara to show you where I live?"

"What do you think of a person who's madly in love they don't shut up speaking about you? Be happy and proud." Stacy lit up her cigarette and offered one to Tegan.

"No, thanks," Tegan rejected it. "I quit smoking a year ago."

"Sara's gonna be happy about that." Stacy thought of warning Sara that her lover's health was not great at all. Sara was having her hopes up she'd start a family with Tegan. Tegan wouldn't even be able to carry a child in this shape. "You have serious anemia. You're eating ice as if it's some kind of a meal," Stacy commented as Tegan crushed another cube with her teeth.

"I know." Tegan felt her throat sting. "Why are you here?" Stacy was supposed to say what she was there for already.

"Alright, so you remember my daughter Ella?" Tegan nodded with a smile...for the first time since Stacy came in. "It's her birthday tomorrow." Tegan nodded again. "Yes, so I just moved here and I know nobody but Sara, and Ella still kind of remembers you because Sara hasn't shut up about you. I'm making a little birthday for her at Sara's...and you should come." She closed her eyes in comfort as she finally let it all out.

"Okay, wait a minute." Tegan put the glass back on the coffee table and shifted in her seat. "It's magically Ella's birthday and I remember you coming here two years ago at about this time and it wasn't her birthday. And you're doing it at Sara's place because? And you're inviting me even though you hate me? Sara sent you, didn't she?"

"No. It is Ella's birthday," Stacy answered defensively. It was actually her daughter's birthday. "She's turning four tomorrow. I came in late February, not early." Stacy paused. "I don't hate you," she said defensively again. "I'm just overprotective. I want you to be with Sara, that's why I'm inviting you. She's depressed and depression is not good and you're not even giving her one single chance. It's childish of me to come here and invite you and beg but I want Sara to be happy." Stacy finished her cigarette and stood up. "And Sara's the one who wanted to do it at her place because it's bigger than the fucking room and kitchen I'm living in." Stacy was angry. She felt misunderstood.

Tegan stood up as well. The immediate action she took made her head spin right away. She took a hold of Stacy's arm. Stacy thought it's Tegan begging her to stay, but Tegan was searching for support. Tegan blinked, then blinked again until she was able to breathe normally and gain her balance back. Then Stacy realized that Tegan was indeed in bad health.

"Sara loves you. She really loves you and you know that. Just come tomorrow and try to talk. Please." She hated pleading, but she did.

"Why do you want it so bad?"

"She's the one I knew since we were in diapers. I can't be okay if she's not." Stacy chuckled. "You don't even get it." She walked to the door.

"You're in love with her, I know."

"I'm her best friend. I'm like a sister," Stacy didn't deny but didn't confirm. "What's stopping you?"

"Many things that she and I need to talk about."

"Then do," Stacy shouted.

"Don't yell at me," Tegan said sternly.

Stacy sighed. "I'm sorry." She opened the door.

"Wait...what's her address?" Stacy turned around with a smile that made her look ten years younger than she was.

When Stacy returned to Sara's, she found the woman in her undergarments walking around the place. "Why are you half naked? Where's Ella?"

Sara had been exercising. Her skin was sweaty. Her chest was what attracted Stacy the most. She didn't look more than a second, but she was able to notice the generous amount of cleavage glistening in glowing sweat. It made her remember those days she was able to touch Sara. She shook the memory away as soon as it popped up in her head because the thoughts of her daughter not being around worried her the most.

"Ella's asleep. I bathed her, dried her hair, we ate together, and then I put her to sleep." Stacy sighed in content, for a second she thought Sara had forgotten to pick her daughter up. "I was working out. Now I was supposed to shower, but I didn't know if I should leave Ella alone or..."

"No. Don't even leave her alone and shower. She's evil." Stacy sat on the sofa.

"She was pretty easy to handle." Sara shrugged. She didn't want to sit on her sofa and stain it with her perspiration.

"Good for you," Stacy answered.

"What's wrong with you? You've been awfully quiet these past two days." Stacy shook her head. "Are you okay?"

"Haven't been getting enough sleep. How's work?" Stacy quickly changed the subject.

"Tegan still didn't talk to me today. She participates and smiles but doesn't stay to speak." Maybe it was time she called her.

"Oh?" Stacy smiled against her will. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I'm going to wait till tomorrow, if she didn't I'm gonna chase more." Sara sighed.

"Oh, ya...about tomorrow." Stacy stood up. "Don't invite any stranger, please."

"I didn't invite anybody...but I was thinking of inviting Dr. Austin. She's a professor with me and she has kids_"

"No, no," Stacy shouted loudly.

"Why?" Sara frowned.

"Please, Sara, no. I'm...I can't deal with anybody and with kids right now. Please, understand." Sara nodded. "Just these days...the whole moving out thing...I need time." Sara understood. She always did understand when someone wanted to be alone and isolated.

"Okay, buddy." Stacy adored when Sara called her that. She always did when they were teenagers. "I'm going to shower quickly and drive you and Ella home. Help yourself with a beer or something."

Jeremy burst out in laughter that he felt his beer was going to come out of his nose as his friend stood in front of him mocking every word the woman she had as guest had said.

"We knew each other since we were in diapers," the way Tegan said it was hilarious, she thickened her tone and softened her posture and made faces. "She's my best friend, she's like my sister." Then Tegan made eerie facial expressions, sticking her tongue out and making weird and funny noises which made her friend laugh more.

"Oh my God, Tee." Jeremy chortled. "You're something."

Tegan giggled and jumped on the sofa next to him. She reached for her beer and sipped.

"She fucking annoys me even when she tries to be nice," Tegan said.

"But are you gonna go?" Jeremy asked in a serious tone.

"I guess." Tegan shrugged. "I have to buy something for Ella. What do you get a four year old? God, I hate kids...but Ella's cute...I hope she's still that way."

"I don't know? A toy?" Jeremy offered.

"A stuffed dildo." Jeremy and Tegan both laughed in mannerless loudness. "No, seriously," Tegan said after calming down, "I think I'm gonna get her a stuffed something." Tegan sighed as she rested her head on Jeremy's lap. "Put me to sleep."

"You're wasted." Tegan hummed. "You're pretty." She giggled.

Jeremy wanted to kiss her. He wanted to touch her. In that state, it was easy to sleep with her, but he was never one of those men.

The next morning Sara taught them how to express their truthful emotions in subtle ways in poetry. She gave them examples from known poems in literature. Sara was clad in pants that made her hips look like the heaven Tegan was searching for. Tegan was light-headed and dizzy, she was staring too hard and having images of her head between those thighs while cupping them both in her hands. It's been too long since she had done that. She missed it.

Sara noticed Tegan's stares and anxiously looked down to see if there was something on her pants. She thought her pants was unzipped that she had to check quickly while facing the board. Then she thought some stain was there. For a moment she thought she was bleeding and Tegan was trying to make her aware of it but she knew she wasn't because she could feel when she bled. Then she realized Tegan was lost in daydreams when everybody left but her still sitting there.

"Finally?" When Sara spoke, Tegan snapped out of her lewd thoughts. "Wow." Sara shook her head with a chuckle.

"I'm dizzy," Tegan said.

"Can...we...umm..."

Tegan finally stood up. She yawned and wore her backpack. "Talk?" Sara nodded. "Very soon." Sara didn't understand. "Just let me...uh, not be dizzy." Tegan was testing if Sara knew she was coming to her place today, Sara didn't. "I promise you."

Tegan left.

Sara first opened the door to Stacy and Ella. They exchanged hugs and kisses on cheeks. Stacy looked at Sara's attire and found her still in her pajamas.

"What are you wearing? Go change." Stacy worried Tegan might be here and Sara was still in her pajamas.

"Why? You said you want something calm."

They walked to the living room. A cake on the coffee table and sandwiches that Sara had prepared. Two wine glasses and a juice box.

"Just go change. Please." Stacy pushed Sara to her room. "Make Ella feel as if it's a good birthday," Stacy whispered.

The friend opened Sara's closet and fished out the first thing she saw, just a grey V-neck shirt and washed-out blue jeans. Sara sighed and took off what she was wearing and put on what Stacy handed her quickly.

"Please take off this stupid bra you're wearing and wear a good one," Stacy ordered after looking at Sara's chest.

Sara looked down at her chest then shrugged. "I'm comfortable." Stacy threw a padded bra at Sara and the latter sighed in anger. Ella giggled as she sat on Sara's mattress. "Your mum is annoying." Sara turned around and unhooked the small thin bra that did not even do much to support her breasts and put on the one Stacy handed her. She put on the shirt again and turned around, waiting for more orders.

"Now I need to take care of your hair and put a little something on your face."

"All for Ms. Ella." Sara shook her head with a smile.

The doorbell rang right after Stacy was done making Sara look presentable to expect guests. Sara feared Stacy had invited people over when she started changing how she looked. Sara always appeared to her friend in a disheveled way and the friend didn't mind, so why now? When she heard the doorbell ringing, she was sure Stacy had done the nasty deed and invited someone over.

When she opened the door and saw who she saw, her heart became at the level of her feet and her smile hurt her entire face. The student couldn't help but smile as well. How was she to resist such a warm smile? It was Sara's smile. She was at Sara's place.

"Come in, come in," Sara said nervously.

"Stacy invited me," Tegan said as she walked inside.

"I didn't know." Sara was in shock...in a happy shock.

"I know," Tegan said.

Stacy smiled when she saw Tegan in the living room and Sara's smile as bright as it had been when the girl was young and happy.

"That's why you didn't...and you..." Sara cupped her mouth like a child and blushed. Stacy nodded.

Ella pointed at the student. "It's Tegum." Her eyes were dilated and her smile was big. "Sasa, look, it's Tegum."

Tegan looked at the child. She was still innocent little Ella, just taller, hair longer, and older. She smiled at the kid who was walking towards her.

"Your name is Tegum now," Sara said. Sara was so happy, Tegan was able to see it.

Ella hugged Tegan's legs.

"Hey, El," Tegan said as she knelt down at the girl's level. "Happy birthday." She gave her a real hug. Sara watched with joy that was not to be measured. "I've got you a little something and I hope you'll like it." Ella kissed Tegan's cheek and blushed, covering her eyes. "Oh." Tegan laughed. Both older women did too.

Ella did not leave Tegan one single moment the entire time. She really did think her friend or girlfriend or just someone she loved was there for her. She really did think that Sara was Tegan's mother and now they were all happy again. She wanted to play with Tegan but Sara was getting irritated. Ella even rejected the idea that Tegan was getting wine and herself juice. She gave Tegan a box of juice, and when Tegan put it down, Ella gave it to her again. Tegan added the juice to her wine glass and Ella cried for a glass for herself with the same substance as Tegan. Ella sat where Tegan sat, she rolled up her sleeves to have short sleeves like Tegan and let down her hair to have a hair like Tegan's.

Sara noticed the tattoos on Tegan's arms. Tegan noticed the small cleavage that Sara showed. Sara noticed how frail and pale Tegan had gotten. Tegan noticed how voluptuous and curvy Sara had become. They both stared secretly and in silence and weren't able to speak because if Ella didn't demand attention, her mother did.

"And, like, can you believe it?" Stacy was going on about a story at work. Tegan and Sara were listening while not listening. They just wanted to be alone but none of them did any move. Ella was whining with an annoying whiny voice. She was sleepy and tired and annoying as a kid could be. "How can he even look at me? _Me._ " Sara shook her head. "Right? His hair, like, oh my God. If you see his hair you'd puke." Tegan nodded. "And he chased me. He friking chased me." Ella walked up to her mother. "And now he's texting thinking I'd be with someone that looks like him." She made whiny voices while moving around, tugging at her mother's pants. "Shush, kid."

"I have to pee," Ella complained.

"Ya, ya, wait." Tegan looked at Sara and they understood the look each gave to the other. It was like those beautiful times. "Yes, so back to the dude. So I was sitting and he sat next to me again even though I'm so cold to him."

"I have to pee." Ella was crying.

"Why can't guys just understand that I'm not interested?"

"Take me to the bathroom."

"Should I tell him I'm a lesbian to get him off my back?"

"Your daughter has to pee for fuck's sake," Sara shouted loudly.

"Oh...Oh...Oh my God. Let's go, let's go. Run." Stacy stood up at once, telling her daughter to run to the bathroom. "Shit, why do I talk a lot?"

"I wish I knew," Tegan mumbled as Stacy walked out, following her daughter.

Sara seized the moment and pulled the hands of the girl she loved and ran with her to the bedroom. They both giggled like young kids as Sara closed and locked the door.

When Sara turned around, she found Tegan staring at the giant teddy bear. "Oh my God." Tegan gasped. "Angel." She walked up the the stuffed animal and hugged it. "You still have it."

Sara walked up behind her. Tegan turned around and found the woman smiling. She missed and loved her. So damn much.

"Stay with me," Sara pleaded gently.

"I want to."

"But?"

"We need to talk about things first."

"Then let's do that."

"Alone," Tegan said. Sara nodded.

"Can I hug you?"

Tegan hesitated, she didn't want things to go farther, but she wanted it, so she accepted it. Sara hugged her. It was a beautiful hug. It was a wonderful hug. She took in Sara's natural scent. Images ran inside her skull of the times their bodies hugged. She felt Sara's chest on hers and touched Sara's skin.

But then Sara kissed her cheek and Tegan could die from happiness because it reminded her of that time she first stayed at Sara's.

"I love you so much," Tegan finally said. She was crying.

"I love you too."

"You're crying," Tegan pointed out with a giggle accompanying a sob.

"You too." Sara laughed and cried as well.

But that was it. They didn't do more nor talk more because Jeremy picked Tegan up and Sara felt jealous and lonely again. Stacy felt stupid and empty and Ella fell asleep.

But the next day Tegan knocked on Sara's door. Things were progressing, things were moving. She wasn't going to torture and tease. She was going to move the way the tide altered its direction.

Sara was happy to see her. She made her coffee and locked the office's door and they sat in front of each other.

"At first, I'd like to apologize to your plant," Tegan said. Sara laughed.

"It forgives you. It always does."

"Second...I want to be with you, but..."

"But?" Sara was waiting. She was taking one sip after the other.

"You treat me like a child and I don't like it."

"You are a child to me even if you were older than me." Sara wasn't going to force maturity on Tegan's innocent soul.

Tegan frowned.

"You hit a plant when you were angry at me. You chewed a glass full of ice at my place yesterday then announced you had a brain-freeze with a loud giggle. You played with Ella more than talking to me. You smile as if you're the sun herself and cry as if you're a kid deprived of her toy. You speak so innocently, you tease me, you bitch at me, and make me chase you even though you still want me. How can I not look at you as a little innocent child? Because if I didn't do that I wouldn't be still here chasing and pleading, my patience would have run out a long time ago." Tegan was crying, she was heavily weeping. "I love you, Tegan. You're always going to be my baby." Tegan nodded.

"You hide things from me thinking I won't understand them. You always did and it left me feeling as if you didn't trust me."

"Because you told your friends. You were always quiet with your feelings. And I didn't want to hurt you. I really didn't."

"But that's how love should be. Two people telling each other everything. Those who love each other support each other. I wasn't going to leave you at all. I love you, you know." Sara nodded. She was tearing up. "Why can't you understand that in pain love should be stronger and support must happen? If I was the one dealing with all these hardships would you have left me?"

"No," Sara said without even thinking about it. "No."

"And I wouldn't have. I would have stayed with you till you've gotten better."

"What if I haven't? What if I have died?" Sara asked.

"What do you think is scaring me the most and not making me just throw myself at you and kiss the hell out of you?" Tegan choked on a sob that tried to force its suppressed anguish out. "I'm scared I get back to you and I wake up one day and you're gone. I can't get so used to you again and it happens again. I really can't."

Sara couldn't answer that. She didn't have an answer. She only had tears and hopes.

"I guess then there's nothing I can do. I might get sick again. I might die. I can't promise that my life is a good ride...not anymore." Sara wiped her falling tears. "I can only hope you'd think of me loving you and accept living for today and not for tomorrow."

"I'm...I need to think about everything." Sara nodded. "I have a test in a few." She looked at the time on her phone. "I'll get back to you."

"When?" Sara didn't like how Tegan left her hanging.

"I don't know. Just let me think."

Sara hated that. If Tegan loved her, she wouldn't be selfish to think of it. She understood Tegan's point but death was just a natural thing. Tegan was preaching about not leaving a lover and now she left her because she was scared of her dying.

Tegan, on the other hand, she was simply very tired and not feeling well when she spoke those words. The truth was she went out to empty the contents of her stomach as she had been doing the past week.

She went back home and packed her suitcase. She reached for Jeremy's and added the rest of her stuff but she couldn't do it all because she fell on the floor and lost her consciousness. Jeremy took her to the hospital because when he returned she was still lying there. It was a quick day she couldn't remember well but it was still one of the slowest days. Her left arm was wounded from the many attempts to find the right vein for the intravenous fluid replacement. The doctors assured her friend it was only lack of hydration and nutrition and she could be home within few hours.

That night she felt so helpless and tired and unable to think straight. She looked at the suitcases and wanted to get out and go to the house she visited the day before. She wanted to sleep on Sara's mattress, hold Sara and the teddy bear. She wondered what Sara was doing.

She cried on her pillow all night till Jeremy switched on the light and sat on the mattress.

"What do you want? I don't know what to do anymore. I just want you to be happy. I feel like you keep getting worse." Tegan heard his doleful tone. She couldn't take it anymore.

"I want to go to Sara," Tegan said while crying.

It was time.

"Right now," she said again.

It was time.


	6. A Whore Heart and a Simple Life

Sara did not resort to nightly exercises until she took another job beside her own: babysitting Ella. It was hard for her to to do her daily workouts unless the kid slept, and that happened rarely. Ella was a very active kid, or maybe all four year old kids were like that. Ella liked to play with Sara and Sara, with her youthful heart, would entertain Ella by playing hide and seek or running around to see if she could catch the little girl, or any simple game Ella came up with all of a sudden. So there was really no time for her scheduled exercises. Stacy came from work and stayed at Sara's till late at night almost everyday. Stacy would tell Sara stories about other nurses with her and Sara would tell few stories about her work. She would bitch about a student being an asshole at times, professors did that too. She would talk about something Dr. Austin told her. She would tell Stacy about what Tegan did while sitting in her seat or what she had said. Stacy would listen because she loved stories. But today, Sara's mind was full of one story, Tegan showing up at her office and leaving. It was exhausting to tell Stacy and analyze everything with her. When Stacy left, Sara took the time to exercise even though it was eleven in the evening. Working out always relaxed her mind and made her think clearly.

Sara stood in front of her mirror and looked at her body, she was growing muscles, she was hot and she could see it. She ignored the lines of the different surgeries she had as she did everyday. They did not matter for now. She never forgot them, but she ignored them. She walked to the bathroom to shower. After getting herself rid of her clothes and getting in the tub she began thinking of Tegan again. Tegan could be asleep at the moment, or could be out, or could be with that boy she was with. Sara wondered if they were sleeping together at the moment. She wondered if they slept together, she hoped they didn't. Such things terrified her because she knew what Tegan was capable of. Tegan cheated the last time, and maybe it was partly her fault, but she still considered it cheating. Or maybe Tegan had changed. Yes, Sara decided, Tegan had changed.

Sara cupped both of her breasts and massaged gently. It wasn't sexual, it was a process she did everyday to examine her body. She massaged the sides checking if anything's wrong. She lifted her left arm and examined her left breast, then did the same to her right arm as she examined her right breast. She was always examining different body parts these days, she was too careful. If it wasn't a physical examination done by the doctor, then it was a self-examination done by her. She thought about Tegan again, she thought about telling her to self-examine. She wondered if Tegan was doing that.

If it wasn't for her very small apartment, she wouldn't have heard the faint knocks on the door. She was getting dressed in her bathroom when she started hearing them. It was probably Stacy wanting to retrieve a jacket or something that's Ella's she forgot in her place. She put on her night clothes quickly and walked out of her bathroom. The knocks were a bit louder but still very faint. Her hair was dripping and she feared she'd get a cold. She turned the key three times until her door was unlocked. Quickly, she opened the door.

Tegan stood there, just outside, pale but pretty. But also, two suitcases were on each side. Not only that, a man was behind her. _Oh, oh, it was him_. Sara did not get it. But she closed her eyes and opened them. Tegan was still there, and everything else was too.

"I'm so sorry." Tegan's voice was raspy and tired. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

"I was in the shower." Sara felt confused. Was she just dreaming?

"I'm sorry," Tegan kept apologizing.

Her friend didn't want to drive her at that hour of the night. She remembered when she fought with Sara and Sara told her not to show up at her place but she insisted on showing up and ended up sleeping on the couch. It wasn't the same this time. It wasn't that late at night to begin with, she wasn't fighting with Sara, in fact, Sara was begging her to show up at her place; so it wasn't the same. When Jeremy didn't agree to drive her, she decided she'd go alone. She could find a cab, or if not, she could walk. It was just eleven. When Jeremy realized she was serious, he gave in and drove her. She told him to go, but he insisted he'd take her suitcases up to the eighth floor (one was his, however) and be with her till Sara let her inside.

"Tegan, don't apologize." Sara took her hand and pulled her inside. When she did, she saw the cannula right on the back of that hand she just held. She looked up at Tegan with horror in her eyes. "What happened?"

Tegan took her hand and put it against her chest, she rubbed the edges with her other hand. "Sara, I want to be with you." If they were going to stand there all night long, she was bound to lose her balance once again.

Sara was confused, scared, horrified, but she was smiling. "Come in," she said loudly. "What's stopping you?" Tegan walked inside. Sara was now facing Jeremy. He was bigger than her, he was attractive, and he was standing there at her doorstep.

"She's been in the hospital," Jeremy informed dryly. "Her health isn't that good. She insisted I'd drive her to you." He didn't know why he was saying all that.

"Because she can come here whenever she wants." And Sara took it as a personal competition whenever she remembered or saw that guy.

"I brought my..." Tegan pointed at her suitcases. "I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I don't." Sara smiled. "I still think this is a dream. I've been waiting." Jeremy reached for the suitcases to get them inside, but Sara pushed his hands away quickly and roughly. "I can do it," she said bitterly.

"No, Sara, they're kinda heavy," Tegan said.

"It's okay, I can do it, honey." Sara was already calling her that.

Sara carried the first suitcase inside and then the second. Yes, they were heavy, but she was able to do it. She didn't need _that Jeremy_ to do things for her or Tegan or get near them. She stood there in front of Jeremy and wished him a very formal goodnight before closing the door. She locked it three times and turned around to face her lover.

"He was just trying to help," Tegan whispered. She was standing in the hall of that apartment. It was dark, she felt a bit scared, but she was feeling much better.

"I can help." Sara looked at the small woman standing there, very thin, very pale. She was standing there, in her home, very thin and very pale. "Wow, am I dreaming?" Tegan shook her head. "I thought you were scared."

"I am," Tegan said.

"But?"

"I don't care. I want to be with you. I can't do this, just pretend that I don't want to."

"I need to tell you so much."

"Me too."

Sara swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked. She held that hand once again and rubbed the exposed skin. "What happened?"

"Can we sit?" She was too tired to pretend that she could continue standing without getting dizzy.

Everything was fuzzy and shadowed, everything was unclear and uncertain. Everything felt unreal and strange, everything felt overwhelming and terrifying. Sara felt as if she was about to wake up from a dream at one point.

"Of course, of course," the professor uttered loudly. "My bad, baby, my bad." She was calling her that too.

Sara guided her student to her room. The door was ajar, she allowed Tegan in first and pushed her small body gently until the student sat on the mattress. While Tegan looked around, Sara left again in order to drag both suitcases inside the room.

"Sara, don't hurt yourself with them," Tegan warned again.

"I'm a muscular, strong woman now, don't worry." Sara laughed a little, looking back at her student.

Tegan was amazed to see different types of stuffed animals, dolls, and small toys on Sara's messy mattress. They were all in a circle and her own teddy bear was sitting there too. A children's tea set was inside that circle. Two coloured pots (one bigger than other), six tea cups, and fake plates with fake cakes and cookies in them were facing each toy or stuffed animal. "Sorry about my untidiness." It was so like Sara to apologize about such a thing.

Tegan turned her head and saw the woman standing there before her. Dark blue pajama pants and a black shirt covered her body. Her hair was wet and her face free of make up for the first time since she had seen her again, but Tegan didn't notice it until now because she was already so used to see Sara's fresh, beautiful face. It was still that way without make up. She wondered why Sara hid her features if they were still beautiful and even more vibrant now that she had gained a healthy amount of weight.

"So that's what professor Clement does in her free time? A tea party with Angel and her friends?" Sara laughed, loudly this time. She loved that woman, she loved her too much. She missed her too much, God, she did.

Sara sat beside her student, very close to her, just to feel the heat of skin and breath on her own skin. "That's what professor Clement does in her free time," Sara confirmed, nodding and smiling, "she hosts a tea party with Lady Ella until they're both hungry and tired." Sara reached for Tegan's hair and brushed it all behind her face, she wanted a better view of her lover. "Tegan Rain," Sara whispered her name.

Tegan looked at her face, her eyes, her beautiful features, the button nose and the puffy lips. Tegan looked at the hazel irises for a long time. Sara looked at her back too. It's as if they were trying to compensate the loss of the past two years with silent admiration. Both wanted to kiss each other but none of them dared to do so. They were enjoying the moment, it was a sweet moment.

"What did this life do to you, Tegan?" Sara asked, taking a look at Tegan's hand.

"It's me, it's mostly me."

"Why, baby?" Sara's voice was gentle and sweet.

"I didn't want to feel healthy when you were sick."

"That's not a wise thing to do. Look at you, you're paleness isn't promising." Tegan looked down at her lap. "I'm going to restore that health back to you. I don't ever want you to end up like I did."

Tegan chuckled. "Like you did?"

"Anemia is very serious," Sara said, "it made me lose a child."

"Well, I'm not pregnant, nor thinking about being so anytime soon." Tegan paused. "But I understand what you mean."

"I was healthy when I was pregnant, I just wasn't at a certain time before, things accumulated. "They were already in dark places, already digging up miseries and past pains.

Tegan looked up at Sara once again. She read about Alice in that notebook. When she saw her name, she didn't understand it first, but she started to understand slowly whenever the name was mentioned. Sara only mentioned the name whenever she mentioned loss. She was too attached to that baby she had never seen, it bewildered Tegan, it made her even more sad for Sara.

"You had an intravenous fluid delivery today?" Tegan nodded. "You fainted?" Tegan nodded again. "Was it because of me?" Tegan shook her head. "Talk, Tegan, talk, baby. Why do you never speak to me?"

"I'm sorry." Tegan never realized she was that silent. It was a habit she had around Sara. Was she scared of that woman? She wasn't anymore, she loved her. Maybe she was a bit shy, but she shouldn't be. It's Sara, good old Sara who had taught her things and seen many things, yes it was that Sara. "I mean," Tegan said, a little laughter in her tone, "I'm just a bit overwhelmed."

"Tell me, tell me everything." Sara stood up. "Come with me to the kitchen, I have vegan lasagna in the fridge. You need food in your system, good Sara food that would put the colour back in your cheeks." Sara pulled her.

"I'm not that hungry. It's hard for me to eat, it's the reason why I'm like that." But Sara was already directing her to the kitchen.

"That's in the past, now you're in my home, now it's time things get better for you." Sara pulled back a chair and watched Tegan sit on it. She brought her lips closer to Tegan's ear and whispered, "We need to get you back that ass of yours." Sara quickly pecked her earlobe, making Tegan blush instantly.

Sara was still like that, still vulgar in her own habitat and comfort zone. She still noticed the different details. Tegan wondered if Sara noticed how small her breasts had gotten, she wondered if she'd be disappointed. Everybody asked her what happened there, her mother was surprised too, it's like all the weight she had lost was taken away from that one area.

Just then, she remembered she was very hot wearing this heavy coat. She began unbuttoning it while Sara messed around in the kitchen. She removed her coat and put it on another chair.

Sara put a plate with a square piece of vegan lasagna in front of her student and a plate in front of her. She put a glass of water, a fork and a knife next to Tegan's plate and did the same next to her own. Tegan looked at the clock on the wall, it was twelve. Sara sat opposite to her.

"I'm going to eat with you even though I've already eaten three pieces not so long ago." Tegan's eyes widened. Her pupils immediately and inadvertently shifted to her professor's chest, but quickly shifted back again looking at her plate. "Don't be surprised, I'm a foodie. Don't you remember the time I ate seven pizza slices and you barely ate three?" Tegan nodded with a small laugh.

They began to eat silently. Sara watched Tegan's closed mouth move while she chewed, she watched slender fingers wrap around the metals to cut herself a small piece, she watched her hair covering her eyes, and watched her jaw moving as well. Sara kicked her student's leg gently under the table. Tegan lifted her head up to look at her professor.

"How is it?" Sara asked. She had already finished her piece, but Tegan was a slow eater.

"Do you really have to ask?" Tegan smiled. "You know it's great."

"Ya, duh." Sara flipped her short hair. "But how is it to you?"

"Best thing I've ever tasted," Tegan said.

Sara wanted to strike with a dirty joke, but she didn't, she resisted till she forgot about it.

"Aren't you scared?" Tegan asked.

"Of what?"

"Us getting caught and your job is threatened again?"

"Oh." Sara nodded. "Didn't you see the big Assistant Dean outside my door?"

"Ya?"

"Tegan, let's just say they can't really talk to me because I'm kind of the boss."

"How?"

"Well," Sara said, a smile on her face, "going to receive my new title, Head of the Department, very soon, while still remaining an Assistant Dean."

"But you're not the boss. Only our department's boss. Sara, I'm serious." Tegan felt too anxious. She didn't want a repeat of what happened. She didn't want Sara's recklessness to destroy them.

"Relax, honey," Sara said, "you're graduating in less than three months. We'll be very careful now and after that nobody can say anything." Tegan nodded.

Silence. Sara stood up and took the plates to the sink. She thought about washing them in the morning. She was thinking. She looked back at Tegan sitting then looked back at the dishes again. Maybe she could do them now, maybe, yes.

"Are you going to be my wife or not?" Sara asked quite loudly for the silent place. Tegan jumped a bit. She looked up at Sara, whose thoughts couldn't wait another minute of captivity inside her brain.

Or maybe she couldn't wash these dishes now. More important matters were inside her mind.

"How can you love me to this extent, Sara?" Sara walked up to Tegan again. "Am I even worth it?"

"Don't ask me how my heart bleeds. Don't question me about my love. That's how I love, in an insane way, in an obsessive way. When I love, I love wholly, with everything in me. You don't see half of the beauty in you, you don't allow yourself to see it, but I do. You don't open your heart to allow love to drown you the way I do. So don't ask me how can I love, because it's something that springs out of an inner passion you cannot see nor feel with your earthly thinking."

Sara sat down beside Tegan.

"I love you more than you can ever imagine, and that's something I cannot explain. I love you because I do, and it's something you cannot explain. It's not you, the Tegan you that's standing here that I only love, it's beyond that. It's everything swirling and floating around you, it's everything that smells like you, reminds me of you, gives me this feeling of childish butterflies whispering in my tummy. It's the thought of you alone I also fall in love with. It's that halo wrapped around you wherever you go, I can feel it and see it and touch it with my own eyes, lips, tongue, skin, breath, with all my senses.

"Do you get it, Tegan? A heart doesn't go and pick who to love, because if it did so, that love isn't pure. A heart doesn't choose based on age, looks, actions; a heart chooses based on the other heart and what it radiates. My love is pure and innocent and I'm not ashamed of it as you once thought. When I fall in love, I fall blindly and fall on my face, and there's nothing sweeter than the act of falling but nothing hurts more than the moment my face hits the ground."

"You always speak as if you're writing a poem or a book," Tegan complained. Sara knew it was hard for her to accept these words, it was Tegan, she never accepted words of love towards her, she always felt as if she shouldn't be loved.

"And where's the fault in that?" Sara's face was closer to her student's this time. "I speak like that to everyone." She and Jack used to speak like that to each other. They loved doing so.

"You do?" Tegan recalled Sara speaking with Stacy casually, normally. "I don't...notice it." Tegan felt hesitant, she didn't want to hurt Sara's feelings, not again at least.

"If you only accept me the way I am, the way I like to express my feelings."

"I do," Tegan jumped. There it was, Sara's feelings were hurt. "I swear I do. But, Sara, you want something so serious, you want marriage. How can we arrange marriage with adorned language?"

"Pure language, Tegan. Pure, honest language. Honest love, Rain."

Sara was trying and Tegan was trying, but nobody was reaching anything. However, they had all night to keep on trying. Sara was determined to reach a point where they both stood at the same side and not opposite from each other.

"Let's go to the bedroom. Let's rest and talk there." Sara picked up Tegan's coat.

"Shouldn't we sleep? We have school tomorrow." Tegan looked around her.

Sara was already removing all the toys from her bed and putting them on the small desk she had in her room. Sara put Tegan's bear on the floor beside her bed.

"You're not going like that, you need rest." Maybe she missed that overprotective part of Sara. "Wear your pajamas, what are you waiting for?" Sara looked back at Tegan.

"Everything's in my suitcase." Tegan knelt down in front of one suitcase and unzipped it. She sat on the floor as she looked at the mess. She never packed very well, everything was mingled with something else.

"Do you have any type of medicines you need to take daily?" Sara asked on purpose. She knew Tegan was taking a couple of vitamins, but she didn't want to let her know that she did know.

"Oh, ya, a lot actually." Tegan looked up at Sara. "I need to go to the bathroom. I need to pee."

"Why don't you go?"

"Oh." Tegan looked at her suitcase again. "Ya." She stood up. She was dizzy, she was tired.

Sara was worried. Very, very worried.

Sara sat down in front of Tegan's suitcase. She found her toiletry bag at first. She opened it and saw the regular things she expected to see. She was able to find pajama shorts and a sleeveless shirt that seemed to be something Tegan slept in among the mess. She sighed as she looked at the chaos of panties, bras, shirts, and books all together. She opened the other suitcase. First thing she found was her own notebook. She left it alone, it was Tegan's now, she had no right to touch it. Then she found several other notebooks. She flipped through them, she recognized her student's handwriting. They were full of poetry and other things she had written. She also had no right to read those, so she left them. Finally, she was able to find the small box full of medicines. She looked at the many pills that she wasn't able to tell the difference between. Tegan was such an unorganized woman, how was she able to tell?

"Oh, you found it," Tegan said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Did you puke what you just ate?" Sara squinted her eyes.

"No." Tegan sat next to her. She smelled like mint, not puke. "My stomach was upset, I thought I was about to puke but I didn't. I brushed my teeth...with my finger." Tegan sighed.

"I found your toiletry bag. It has your toothbrush in it," Sara informed. "Are you feeling a bit better now?" Tegan nodded. Sara looked at her for a long second and then asked, "What are all these for? There are too many of them."

Tegan sighed and separated each medicine. "This one is Paracetamol, Sara."

"Oh, ya." Sara nodded. She felt stupid, she could have just read what it said.

"These red pills are iron supplements, basically." Sara felt stupid again, she was taking these not so long ago, in fact, she had taken them for half of her life. "Obviously, this is Advil." Tegan shook the round box, sending a smile Sara's way. Sara's worry made her forget what all of these were. She was anxious about the fact her lover was taking all of these medicines.

"These are birth control pills." Sara pointed at another drug.

"Of course you'd recognize these only." Tegan laughed.

"You're on the pill?" Sara asked.

"No. I only took a few once, I didn't want to get my period for that month. So ya, these are old, I should probably throw them." Sara felt relieved, she didn't know why, but she did. "Alright, this is my antidepressants. I take a very small dose now, though. These are for my anxiety. Stopped taking these just two months ago. These are different types of vitamins that I take. Three kinds. I should probably take them now. These are all flue medications because I get a bad flue. These blue ones are for my allergies. And finally, these round ones are for my cramps. This one is kinda heavy and makes you sleep for hours so I take it whenever I'm sad too. You know, I get really bad cramps, so ya, I had this prescribed, only thing that shuts me up and stops my whining by making me pass out for a whole day."

"Oh, God," Sara said, breathing audibly, "never fucking shut up."

The only thing that Tegan felt was Sara's weight suddenly on top of her, knocking her over. Then soft lips, very soft lips touching her own with passion she hadn't tasted for two whole years. Her eyes closed immediately as she allowed herself to feel and absorb that feeling. What a great feeling. The last time she tasted it they were both crying, there was a goodbye, and she knew it was the last time even though she tried to have one last kiss after that. They were in a different room and a different place. She loved that place and missed it. She wished Sara still lived there. But if that place carried plagues and wounds then the hell with it, she didn't want it. It's not about the place, it's about the person, their touch, their lips, hands, the way they brush those fingers in one's hair like Sara was doing to her now. Those soft moans coming out of Sara's lungs and that heartbeat that was not so foreign to her, she was able to feel all of that and acknowledge it. Heartbeat meant liveliness, it meant that Sara was alive. Yes, she was, and she was kissing her so beautifully, massaging her tongue with her own, sucking it when she could and flicking it too.

And Tegan wanted to show Sara that she too still carried heavy clouds of passion, well-collected in her heart and soul for two damn years. She gripped onto Sara's sleeves with both hands, squeezing the flesh as her tongue performed sweet dancing acts of love with Sara's. Her fingers moved so gently to the rhythm of her tongue, they traced the bare skin and often squeezed. It's like every part of her body was separate from the other, working alone, yet magically working together. She was twirling and soaring in the skies of love and the seas of lust. She was heavy with every emotion she had locked and she was engulfed by every rationality that did not make sense to her anymore. She was in love, in deep, dark, red love.

When Sara pulled away they were both smiling. Sara had never imagined the day would come and she'd be kissed so nutritively that she'd feel even the tiniest hairs on her body alive along with her heart, nerves, and arteries. Even the bones, the dry, hard, and cold bones felt warm like jelly, dancing in ease in the melodies of a fiery love, a glorious love.

Sara wanted and Tegan wanted, they both wanted to act on that instinct and hush it. Tegan was too shy to ask right away and Sara was too scared she would not be able reach those youthful peaks of nirvana with her old woman form.

Tegan kissed Sara once again, a playful kiss, a very playful kiss that Sara couldn't help but giggle after it. Tegan licked Sara's lower lip very quickly and bit her own as the colour crept into her cheeks.

"Marry me," Sara whispered. She needed to solidify this bond they had. She needed to share everything she owned with Tegan.

Tegan sat back again, leaning her back against the television stand. "You know what's your problem?" Sara shook her head. "You're a great feminist but still cannot remove the idea that women should be married and have children in order to be accepted as full-fledged beings."

"No," Sara said a little too loudly, "that's not it."

"Listen to me, just listen." Sara nodded. Her face changed colour, from heated red to shocked yellow. "I know that's the kind of person you are. I know you want a family and you've always wanted kids. But these ideas are deeply rooted inside your head since you were very young. Every page of that notebook, Sara, is a proof further that no matter how much you want to do the opposite of what your mother had taught you, you still want to do what you have been taught. Maybe to prove something to yourself, to her, to the world, to anyone...I don't know. But you're not allowing yourself to feel or love, or even live because your life is so dependent on that thing, marriage and a family." Tegan paused. She lifted up Sara's face, it was down. "You're young, why are you in such a hurry?"

Sara took the hand that cupped her jaw and rubbed its softness. She kissed it and took the other, kissing the knuckles. She took Tegan's body in her arms and hugged her. She kissed her forehead and wiped her own tears as they began to fall. She sat back again, still holding Tegan's hand.

"Maybe what you said is somehow true and I can't feel it because it's subtly hidden inside my thoughts. Maybe it isn't, however." Tegan nodded. She promised herself to accept Sara's thoughts and listen. Good communication was what they have lacked in the past, and now they were finally allowing themselves to speak. "When you love someone so much you just feel like you want to give them everything. I'm sure you have felt that way."

"Of course." Tegan smiled.

"You think about everything you could do with that person. You think of your future, you think of what is going to happen, you think and think and daydream. Didn't you do that when we dated first?"

"I did," Tegan said, a smile never leaving her face, "a lot."

"Me too. I've always done that. With every relationship," Sara said. "Anyway, you think of everything then you reach that point, that point of settling down with that someone. I don't know, having a place with them? Getting a cat, a dog, anything. You get me?"

"I suppose." The only time Tegan thought about a relationship so seriously was when she was with Sara. She even thought of having kids with her. She was young, she was very young.

"You don't really jump and think of marriage and children right away, it just doesn't occur to you. And even when the thoughts crawl into your mind at night, you push them away until you're actually very settled with that person, after five years or something, then you start to think so much of such matters." Tegan nodded. "I was like that. I was always like that. When I met Jack I didn't even think of me getting married at all. Never. I swear to you, Tegan, the thought never occurred to me. I was living my life and having fun. Then I fell in love too quickly and he did too. He started bringing up the subject whenever we're out in public, watching families together, watching a proposal happening, in a wedding, or anywhere. The thought began to tickle my mind each night, each morning, whenever I watched him read a book, or write an article, whenever I watched him teach as I was passing by his classes. I was like, that's the person, that's the person I want to spend my life with, yes."

"Wow." Tegan chuckled. She hadn't ever thought of that. Did she ever think that of Sara? Maybe. She really couldn't remember. She loved her so much and worried about their future but did she reach that point? What if she loved less than Sara? No, she didn't, these past two years of mourning proved that she loved Sara to an unrealistic extent.

"In case you're lost, Jack teaches in WSU. Also literature."

"I figured from the notebook."

"Oh, ya, I have mentioned that." Sara laughed. "I have mentioned many things, haven't I?" Tegan nodded. "Ya, so Jack was giving me hints and I was happy to receive them. We got married." Sara shrugged with a smile, her beautiful hair was less wet now, curled beautifully, stopping at the middle of her neck. "Then the children scenario started after about six months." Tegan knew this story, Sara had already told her about it. "Trying to make a baby wasn't very fun even during that process of trying to make the baby." Sara winked. She was telling the story with a warm soul.

"You don't have to go through that, Sara. It's okay," Tegan said.

"I want to, I want to reveal everything." Sara paused. "And you're going to do the same after I'm done."

"I will."

"I told you about all the complications." Tegan nodded. "I feel like whenever you don't get to have something, you want it more. Each time we failed, I felt more upset till I became obsessed with having that damn child. I didn't even think of children before, same as marriage, it came all of a sudden. We were just like, ya, let's make a baby. And each month I got my period, I spent those seven days crying, waiting for the golden time to try again. And I got my period again, cried again, and tried again."

Tegan squeezed Sara's hand this time. Her frown was visible on her face. She was trying to imagine it, she was trying to imagine Sara's distress, Sara's need. She couldn't feel it perfectly but she understood it, she was beginning to understand it.

"Tegan, I...I monitored everything. I went to many doctors. My body got messed up. Even the damn food was changed. My sitting position, my sleeping position. The hormones I was taking, they were horrible, so horrible. And with every attempt I grew angrier and more needy. I was just this ball of anxiousness walking around my place, shouting at furniture, crying on the floor, hitting myself when he wasn't around. I don't know why I did that, but it made me feel like I wasn't able to bring that one thing. And one time I didn't want it, but because I couldn't have it I became obsessed with wanting to have it. I just wanted a baby."

"I think I get you," Tegan said. "I think people always want what they can't have."

"It was bad. Very bad." Sara shook her head. "But, you know, then I was pregnant and happy again and healthy, whatever." Tegan moved her bum, inching closer to Sara's form. "My health deteriorated all of a sudden, lack of nutrition, iron deficiency, whatever. I got a very early birth, lost lots of blood, went through an emergency C-section, and had a premature baby who was barely alive."

"I thought...?" Tegan's brows were arched. She hadn't heard these information before, nor read them.

"I kept that part to myself." Sara wiped more tears. She didn't even know she was crying. "Anyway, they all lied to me and said the baby's fine for the sake of my health. We named her Alice since we agreed on it before. I decided to go see her and they didn't let me do it first. I insisted and my mum took me. I realized my baby couldn't even open her eyes, she couldn't suckle, she couldn't cry. She could barely move. The nurse said it's fine and she's a premature baby, but I could see all these babies around looking much better. I came back the next day and the same thing happened. It was strange. I told Jack about it and he said it's going to be okay." Tegan wiped Sara's own tears because they were falling in abundance. "My health wasn't that good again and it deteriorated all of a sudden and I spent a whole week in some kind of a haze. All I kind of do remember is them telling me we've lost the baby."

"I'm sorry." What would she say other than apologizing? She was a bit shocked, startled. Sorry felt as if it was the right thing to say. Yes, perhaps, she didn't know.

"Anyway, Tegan, I'm taking too long." Sara chuckled through tears.

"No, no, we need to talk. I told you, I need you to tell me what you hide. I will tell you everything too."

"Ya...I mean, just to reach to my point. This whole thing made me even more obsessed with the idea of wanting to have a family. Especially that I have failed at that department. Then there was this whole cancer thing. You've read everything documented in the notebook." Tegan nodded. "It's just that I reached to a point where I cannot trust my life. I cannot even know what the next hour holds. I'm in a rush because I don't want to waste another minute thinking about a future I might not have. I know it's selfish to bring someone with me to an unknown abyss but I can't really just do the thing of living alone, daydreaming about what I can't have. It kills me alive, it really does. I got a second chance to live and I want to take advantage of it. I'm a woman, Tegan, I want to feel like one, I want to feel like a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a lover, I want that. I want these simple, normal things because they remind me that life is still moving and I'm still okay. I want to marry you because I love you so much and I want to share everything with you. I want children from you, I actually want that, I want it so much and I can't stop thinking about it." Tegan didn't know what she should say. They were back at that point and these promises and she was scared of them. "I want that so I can feel as if we're not just ordinary lovers. I want that to feel as if we're more, we share things, we make things together. And I can't blame you for not wanting all that or understanding my perspective, but someone like me threatened to lose everything at once, they'd do the impossible to have everything they can't have just to say a big fuck you to the world that deprived them of the normal happy things people can easily have and take for granted."

Sara had her own point of view, her own perspective which was born after years of turmoil. Tegan? Tegan didn't understand half of that because she was just entering the depths of her youth. She was just starting to understand what's it like to be so in love, she was just starting to tell right from wrong, she was just starting to realize that some things she used to do were so immature and sometimes she still felt like that. And all of a sudden someone like Sara, as old as her, as experienced as her, decided to marry her, not only that, but also have a kid with her?

Was she willing to do that? Just casually? Say yes? _Let's get married. Oh, let's make a baby too._ Was she that in love?

"Even though I don't believe in marriage and still think it's a stupid paper signed by stupid people, I'm still going to marry you because I love you." Sara looked up with a smile, a strange smile, a questioning smile. "I mean, I won't lose anything, I guess."

Yes, she was that in love. She said yes...just to make Sara happy. Did she know how to say no? What if she was never able to say no because she was so in love and didn't want to waste that love? She was too young. She herself knew that only young people thought so irrationally and said yes so quickly.

"I know...I know it's too much. Too damn early, too straightforward. I know it's scary, it's irrational and it's strange. Trust me, I know, but I just want it too much, more than the limitation caused by all these reasons."

"It's okay, I'm starting to understand. Step by step. We'll work it out."

"So...we're together now, right?"

"Yes," Tegan said, "but unmarried...or engaged. I don't know. I want to graduate first, you know_"

"Of course," Sara interrupted.

"Remove all my four wisdom teeth then."

"What does that have to do with us getting married?"

"Huh?" Tegan was deep in thought. How was she going to tell her mother that? Shit, she would kill her. "Oh...I don't know...but I have to." Sara nodded. She understood Tegan's brain was a wreck at that moment, she understood too well.

"Come here, my baby, come here." Tegan inched closer to Sara. "Let's postpone talking about this. It's too much for you right now." Tegan gave a nod. It was too much and she was more than happy to stop talking about it. "Why don't you change?"

It hit Tegan she was sitting in Sara's room, Sara's place...again. She looked around her and behind her and at Sara's face. It's as if she had forgotten due to the the heaviness of Sara's words. But how could she forget? She was with the person she was crying to be with just hours ago. She cried for two years to be with Sara. She had many dreams and different nightmares about being with Sara. And now she was, so why was it strange? Why did she feel so overwhelmed?

"Do you want me to turn around or leave? I'll get you a glass of water." Before Sara could stand, Tegan pulled up her sweater above her head. Sara couldn't leave, she watched Tegan change right in front of her.

Tegan's white tank top was being pulled up with her sweater, but Sara took a hold of it and lowered it. "What? Do you think I'm shy? There's nothing you haven't seen nor touched." Sara laughed a little. Tegan took off her tank top quickly. "Just different sizes maybe." She looked down at her chest.

"Ya...what happened there?" Sara's eyes shifted to Tegan's chest. She remembered Tegan's full breasts, they were so round and so beautiful. She loved them so much. She loved touching them and kissing them. Sometimes, she even fantasized about fucking them, but she didn't want to scare Tegan by asking her to do that. She did notice that they were almost nonexistent this past month, but she always thought Tegan was hiding them well with a sports bra. Now Tegan was sitting just an inch away from her, in a small bra and a small body, much smaller than her own.

Tegan shrugged as she looked down at her chest again. "Baby fat I guess? I lost it? Or, you know, my weight loss was centered mostly in my tits." Sara giggled. She didn't know why, but she did. She never thought Tegan would be talking so freely and using these words so freely, sitting in front of her half naked so freely and without a hint of coyness. "Why are you laughing?" Tegan was laughing too.

"You said tits." Sara laughed more, her shoulders shaking, her breasts bouncing, Tegan noticed it all. Maybe it was that hour of the night when Sara was too tired to make sense.

"Me saying tits is funny?" Sara nodded with laughter. She felt too happy to shut up. Tegan was there, she just wanted to laugh and be silly with her. "Hmm. Well, what happened there?" Tegan pointed at Sara's chest.

"What happened there?" Sara calmed down. She looked down at her chest. She saw nothing but her nipples hard, poking her shirt. "Oh, I'm not wearing a bra." Sara blushed.

"No, I meant...did you get a boob job?" As soon as she asked she felt stupid and silly. She blushed heavily.

"Oh." Sara smiled. "That." She cupped her full breasts. "So you've noticed." It was so easy to do these things in front of Tegan. It's as if they had left each other for only a day and now they were back, still able to act silly around each other...except Tegan wasn't so shy anymore.

"Kinda hard not to." Tegan reached back and unhooked her bra. She let it fall down on her lap. When she raised up her head she saw Sara staring at her breasts. "Are you disappointed?" She felt just a tad self-conscious.

"Why would I?" Sara looked up at Tegan's face.

"You know, they're, like, B cups now. I reached D cups at one point when I was with you. I have no idea what happened. My mum thought I got a breast reduction."

"I could never be disappointed by your body, Tegan. It's your body, not mine. I love you as Tegan, as a whole, I don't just love your body only. You get it?" Tegan nodded. "Breasts change in size quickly for some women. I'm like that too. When I was your age my breasts were very big, as big as yours were and even more. Then I lost a bit of weight and they were reduced in size. Then I was pregnant and they were so fucking swollen and annoying, it was like I was carrying two water tanks on my chest. Then I was sick and they got so small the more I lost weight. Now they're very decent after the whole weight gain and exercises. So to answer your question, no, I didn't get a boob job."

"I was just kidding." Tegan was unbuttoning her pants now.

"Wanna see?" Sara asked, a playful smirk on her face.

Tegan stood up, taking her pants off. She kicked them down her legs and Sara looked up at Tegan's crotch. Even though Tegan tried to hide it, Sara noticed the very small wet spot, which widened her smirk. She wondered if she had one too. She couldn't feel it, so she probably didn't have it. She wished to get back to those times when getting wet was so easy and happened very quickly. It used to bother her, especially when she was a teenager, always heated by anything that turned her just a tad on. She used to be embarrassed at times, but now she wished she'd go back to those times.

The only reason why Tegan didn't respond was because she didn't really know if she wanted to see or not. She wanted to leave it for the imagination but she also wanted to see. She was going to see Sara naked eventually, but she didn't really want to do that now. Mostly, because she was very horny and wanted her relief, any further teasing was going to make her spend the night in pain. Also it was the fact that she wanted to see everything when they slept together. She didn't know when that was going to happen but she hoped very soon.

"I take silence as a yes." But Sara had other plans. When Tegan sat down in front of her again, fully dressed in the clothes Sara fetched from the suitcase, Sara lifted her shirt up, revealing two round breasts, perfectly shaped, with pink hard nipples. Okay, maybe she actually did want to see. But she was definitely going to pay the price because she felt the tiny jump in her clit as soon as Sara's breasts were revealed.

Tegan took a breath and chuckled nervously. "Wow." Sara looked down at her breasts, she squeezed one and brushed her thumb over the nipple. "You're doing this on purpose."

"Perhaps." Sara beamed at Tegan. "Do you miss them? Do you miss my body?"

"You have no fucking idea how much I do miss touching you." Tegan sighed. "Do you know how long has it been since I touched a girl's boob last? Or saw a girl's boob? Too damn long."

"Not longer than me, trust me." Sara let her shirt fall down, covering her breasts and half of her tummy. Tegan didn't notice the new lines of stitches because of Sara's sitting position. "Come on. Get up. Let's get inside the covers. I'll go get you water. You need to be hydrated. And we'll talk more. Your turn to tell me what happened to you. Unless you're very tired."

"No, I want to talk." She was tired, very much in fact. But who cares? She was with Sara. She could forget about her aching head or her blurry eyes for several more minutes.

Tegan was trying to remove the cannula when Sara came with a glass of water. Sara put the glass down on the bedside table and removed Tegan's hand away gently. "No, no, no," Sara said as if she was talking to a child. "Stacy will remove it tomorrow. Leave it."

Tegan sighed. "It's fine, Sara. I can remove it. It's doing nothing."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Tegan looked at Sara. She looked at her eyes. She found honest concern and worry. She sighed again and nodded. If Sara was going to treat her like a child then let her do so, Tegan didn't care anymore. That was just how Sara was, it was her persona, and Tegan couldn't stop it nor change it.

"Drink your water and take your vitamins."

"Yes, mother." Tegan couldn't believe herself, but she actually missed that, she missed that overprotectiveness and that sense of motherhood in Sara's actions. She missed being taken care of.

Sara looked back at Tegan, she was facing her closet, picking clothes to wear in the morning. She saw Tegan's grin and smiled in return. She promised herself she'd change her ways when talking to Tegan, yet there she was again, talking to her as a superior in age and experience, not as a lover. She realized she couldn't control her actions much. She was worried, very worried about the health of her lover. She always wanted to take care of her, and now she wanted it more. God knows what she was eating, how she was sleeping, who were her friends, what she did in her free time. Tegan didn't give a notebook to Sara that filled her in on the past two years. Sara was trying to grasp these information by conversation. She hoped Tegan wouldn't leave something unrevealed.

"Aren't I keeping you awake? Shouldn't you sleep so you can wake up tomorrow and teach?"

"I have all the time to sleep. I told you, I want to take advantage of every minute I have with what I love. And since I love you, I want to spend my minutes with you." Sara prepared her grey trousers and light blue shirt to wear in the morning. "Plus, I return early."

"It scares me when you speak like that. It feels as if I'm going to lose you again."

Sara switched off the lights and switched on the two lamps on each side of the bed. Silence hovered for several seconds until she said, "It's better than giving you a rainbow image of what I lack knowledge of. It's better than lying to you like I once did then all of a sudden I'm gone."

"You're healthy now." Tegan was scared. She didn't want to think of the dark windows of life, she wanted to stay in the light.

But it was her who complained about Sara not telling her what was going on. It was her who asked Sara to be with her in sickness and health. She might as well suck it up and take the burdens that came with having a serious relationship if she wanted one.

"And I was healthy two years ago too." Sara removed the duvet and inched closer to Tegan's body. She held onto Tegan's tattooed arm. She kissed Tegan's soft cheek and mumbled, "I don't want to scare you, I just want to put you in the picture. I'm so happy right now, you have no idea how happy I am. I'm so scared this happiness might get taken away from me all of a sudden. It's the scenario of my life. God is like, give Sara something, but take it away from her and mock her because she doesn't deserve to be happy."

"Baby," Tegan whispered. She didn't use these words, she didn't recall using them ever, but the atmosphere felt right, she wanted to use them. She wanted to kiss Sara's forehead and so she did. She wanted to make Sara feel that she too was able to take care of her like she did argue with her in the office just this morning.

What a long day it had been, what a long day.

"What did you do these two years I was dead?"

"Sara," Tegan said in a warning tone.

Sara laughed. "You know what I mean."

"They weren't very fun for me either." Sara hummed. She buried her face in the warmth of Tegan's skin, her lips touched Tegan's neck and her arm spread over Tegan's stomach. "I messed up a lot. I messed up so much. I was very much not that sane after you left. I mean, in the sense of depression, I suppose. I just wanted to know anything about you. I went up to the department each day and asked about you. I made sure your office stayed as it was that year. I studied so hard till I started reciting Medieval poetry before falling asleep because they reminded me of you. I slept with people I didn't remember their faces the second day."

Sara found Tegan's hand and held it, she squeezed it gently. Sara kissed Tegan's neck as she remembered the times they talked in darkness just two years ago. How great did it feel to experience the same nightly nostalgia once again.

"Emy and I dated. I don't know why I dated her. I guess I needed to fill the void. Abuse the fact that somebody was madly in love with me. I was such a slut, I cheated on her with, basically, all her friends."

Sara laughed loudly, very, very loudly. "Oh my God." Sara wasn't able to stop laughing. Tegan? Her Tegan? Sleeping with many people? That was not something she imagined. "Shut up."

"It's true."

"No." Sara was still laughing.

"And Jeremy."

"Wait." Sara stopped laughing. "You're serious?" She sat up just a bit. "I mean, no, wait, you slept with people? I mean..." Sara's face was heated, her heart was beating quickly. "I thought...I was actually just kidding when I said that crude comment about you and Jeremy in the bar."

"I told you...I was a slut...or a mess."

"I mean..." Sara lay down again. She looked up at the ceiling. "How many people did you sleep with?"

"I think about eight women other than Emy and Jeremy."

"Do you still talk to them?" Why was she jealous? Why did she feel jealous? Why was her heart beating like that? Why did she feel like hurting Jeremy so much. She was already jealous, but now that she knew Tegan had actually slept with him, she felt herself fuming.

"Calm down," Tegan whispered. "All were like a one night thing. And no...not all together." Sara did not laugh this time. "But Jeremy..." Tegan didn't know what to say. Jeremy was different. It was a different situation, a complicated situation. "I don't know why I always ran to him for comfort. I don't know why that comfort was sexual. I don't know why I spent a year at his place and we were like an ordinary couple, sleeping together almost everyday, doing things couples did, but never accepting the fact that I was his girlfriend."

"I'm shocked." And she was. She was shocked and she felt stupid to think Tegan had waited two long years for her. How was Tegan to know that she was returning anyway? She, herself, didn't know she'd be alive. But why did it bother her so much? Why was she so angry with herself and with Jeremy, Emy, and that lesbian clan that she didn't need to ask Tegan about in order to know them. They were still there at the university. She saw them everyday and they looked at her and whispered everyday.

She wondered if they knew about her and Tegan.

"I have a whore heart. I run after love and can't get enough of it. And my whore heart doesn't love easily. It only loves one person and since that person wasn't around, my heart chased every stray heart and fooled with it."

"Look at you speaking like me." Sara chuckled. "And you say you don't like the way I speak."

"I love the way you speak," Tegan said.

"Continue," Sara whispered. "What did your whore heart feel for Jeremy? Did it feel love? I thought you're into girls only. Did you enjoy your time with him?"

"He was there." Tegan wasn't going to lie about her feelings or past. No need for lies, no need for schemes if they were going to found a home together. "I did not love him at all. But, admittedly, I did love his touches. My body did love him, my whore heart? No, not an inch of it loved him."

"You loved having sex with him?" Sara wasn't able to stop being jealous, everything made her so. She worried that the sex she would offer wouldn't compete with Jeremy's. She worried Tegan would be bored of her body and how slowly it functioned now.

"It was fun for the most part of it. He knew...he knew what I wanted." Tegan felt guilty saying all these things, but Sara wanted to know. "But I always felt so empty after it. So fucking stupid and disgusted with myself at times. It was just wrong. I always wanted to leave and just go, but I never was able to. I don't know why. It's as if I was waiting for something, for a signal, for a sign...and it never came."

"But here you are." Sara swallowed the hard lump in her throat.

"Because I was actually waiting for you, I guess." Tegan looked to her right at Sara's face. "Something always told me you would come back even when I lost that hope at one point. I just felt it. I dreamed about you chasing me. I dreamed about you as a witch, as a ghost, as a woman following me around."

Sara laughed this time around.

"And today I just knew it was time. I had to leave. I saw how sad he was. I saw how betrayed he felt. I couldn't just stay for the sake of his love though, not anymore."

"Sometimes you have to break a heart to please another." Sara was glad she was the winner.

Sara thought about the time Tegan and Emy kissed in front of her two years before. It was heartbreaking, the most heartbreaking scene. She had been cheated on before, but that was the most heartbreaking one of the three times. Maybe because she saw it in her own eyes, maybe because she was sick, maybe because Tegan was her last hope to hold onto something to keep her alive. It was one of these things that made the memory still be fresh in her heart, making it sting just a little. She worried Tegan would do the same. She worried Tegan would cheat again, would stray again, would go to those who gave her warmth, care, love, and good sex. Was she able to give her all that? She wanted to give her all that and more. She wanted to shower her with care and love, happiness and fun.

"Why are you crying, Sara?" Tegan asked.

Yes, she was crying. She couldn't just shake the thoughts away.

"Because I'm scared you'd leave me for him or anybody else. I'm scared you'd cheat again," Sara admitted easily.

"I still can't forgive myself for the time I cheated on you. I still feel stupid because of it." Tegan didn't think strong Sara would be crying because of such fear.

But wait, Sara was not that strong. That was just a mask she put on in the past, that was just something she pretended. Sara was a vulnerable woman, full of sorrow and apprehension, a lot like herself.

"I'd kill you with my bare hands if you cheated on me." One time, Sara said the same thing to Jack. It was before their divorce, after the numerous times Jack had cheated on her. Jack didn't cheat on her after that. They still did get a divorce, however. There was no love anymore. She spoke these same words to Tegan without being aware of them until they left her mouth. Her life felt ironic, it's as if she was going in circles. She didn't know when it was going to end. When was she going to start a new and a better chapter?

"I'd kill me first."

"You really have a whore heart, Tegan Rain," Sara said through tears. Why was she still crying? "You wonder about my love and question my passion. You leave me chasing you and act as if you don't want to be with me. You love me, yet you can't accept the fact that I love you maddeningly."

"Because you can get anybody in this world. You're too damn perfect to choose someone like me."

"I loved you before I knew you were a student, before I knew your age," Sara said.

"I know," Tegan said.

"I loved you before talking to you."

"I know."

"I loved you and I didn't even know you."

"I know."

"Was I supposed to not love you because you turned out to be younger than I expected?"

Tegan didn't answer this time.

"I just loved you. I just fell in love with you. And the more I spoke to you, the more I adored you." Sara wasn't crying anymore. "Maybe I felt stupid and very immature, but I always feel like that with love. It makes me stupid and it makes me immature. It makes me act like a child."

"What about me? I thought I was the one who acted as the child?" Tegan smiled.

"You are a child," Sara teased. She smiled too.

"Children have innocent hearts...I have a heart that's a whore."

"No." Sara looked to her left, smiling at Tegan's smiling face. "You have an innocent heart, though you're just a big slut." Sara kissed her lips. "And I love you."

"Will you be angry with me if I told you you're such a cliche?" Sara shook her head. "You're also a baby." Sara giggled. "You really are."

"You have changed...a lot."

"That's a normal thing." Tegan wanted to sleep. She wanted to close her eyes and sleep. She'd get a good sleep because they had a good talk. Her eyelids felt heavy and her mind wanted to shut down.

"You're more confident now. What's in your heart is on your tongue now. I like it very much. It's very nice, I like it." Tegan hummed. "Ya, I think we should sleep. I don't think I'll be able to do that, however."

"Why?" Tegan yawned.

"I'm excited. You're in my place. I'm like an excited child. I want to wake up quickly, go to work, and come back to be with you." Tegan giggled. "Ella will be here though," Sara said with a sad tone.

Tegan grinned while her eyes were closed. "We can always do what you have in mind when Ella's back home."

"What?" Sara didn't understand what Tegan meant. Sara wanted to sit with Tegan and wanted to talk more.

Apparently Tegan was the one with the darker thoughts. She opened her eyes and looked at Sara's clueless ones. "Good night, Sara." She smiled sweetly.

Sara couldn't sleep. She really was that excited. She stroked Tegan's arm and studied her tattoo. She wondered what that tree meant. She loved the flowers on the other arm the most, they were so beautiful and well-painted.

She lay her head on the pillow, closed her eyes, and opened them once again. She smiled to herself. She prayed that her life wouldn't take an ugly turn once again. She prayed that her love would prosper. She prayed she'd start something solid with Tegan. She prayed for health, happiness, and love. She prayed for a normal life, for a simple life.


	7. Be Gentle and Make Plans With Me

Sara was glad it was Thursday, which meant at 11:00 she'd be done with her classes, and instead of sitting in her office for another hour, she'd hurry back to Tegan. Oh, how sweet that sounded inside her head. Despite the troubled sleep, she woke up like a butterfly in the spring sky. She grinned upon seeing her lover in her bed, asleep so peacefully and calmly. And just like old times, Sara made her student's arms wrap around that stuffed animal that, admittedly, she did hold while asleep for the past two years. It felt good to smell the remnants of Tegan's childhood on that fluffy bear.

All these morning rituals she had to do did not annoy her like they did each day; stretching; yawning; walking to the bathroom; looking at her face in the mirror; fixing how she looked and checking if there was anything unusual in her body or the insides of it. Then she walked quietly to the kitchen and prepared herself a cup of coffee. She opened the television in the living room and watched the news in the lowest volume she could hear.

She wanted to call Stacy, she wanted to tell Stacy everything. She was so happy. Nobody could take that happiness away. Even when her mother was calling her, she wouldn't be able to take any happiness away with any absurd word she would say. Sara picked up the phone and greeted her mother respectfully and politely.

"I hope I'm not taking any of your time." Evelyn felt helpless, small, shattered, tired. Whenever she called she dreaded the worst, she dreaded she'd say something that would upset her daughter. The therapist she was visiting now told her to keep trying and pushing herself onto her daughter. "I just wanted to check if you received the money." And the mother was doing everything to fix what was already broken since day one, since she had given birth to this girl, who's now a woman, a smart, successful woman, who went through hardships nobody could endure.

"I did. Thank you." Sara was cold with her mother and that was a thing she was not going to change no matter what happened. She knew her mother. She knew that ignorance had been rooted deeply inside her. She herself was still paying the price. She also knew that even Tegan, her lover whom she thought a child, did see how she was affected by that cunning, strong mother. "I got a car," Sara said. "A 2014 Chevrolet, Volt Electric. I know it's not new, but it's not used. And I wanna save the rest of the money for...other things." There were many things on her mind. A house, a new house for her and Tegan. She also wanted to give Tegan a good life. Who knew? Maybe she and her would actually get married right after college, maybe they'd finally have that child she was dreaming of. She was aiming big, and she did not want to give up.

Evelyn was not stupid as her daughter thought she was. She had sent 200 thousand dollars to her daughter. She knew a car would not cost that much. She knew Sara was after a woman, Stacy told her that. She knew she was having fantasies to start a future with that woman. "You can do whatever you want with your money. Whenever you want I will send you some. It's yours after all."

It was not hers, it was her father's, her dead father's money. They were not rich, they were not poor, they were a middle class family. But at the last years of his life, her father was smart enough to make good money. She never knew why, but that maybe was one of the few things that made her have some tiny respect for her deceased father.

"You should keep it to yourself. How are you going to live without financial aid?" Sara looked up from the sofa to see her lover standing there, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She felt bad for waking her up, but she felt happy to see her there.

"Honey, I have a job now."

Sara's attention was brought back again to her mother. "You do?"

"Yes," Evelyn said. "It feels wonderful to depend on one's own. Now I know the delight you take in being your own strong person. I'm proud of you."

Tegan woke up due to an unbearable ache in her stomach. She tried to sleep it away but she was not able to. Somehow she felt even more tired. She couldn't do anything but go to the kitchen and drink some water, maybe it would make her feel better. Then she heard Sara's voice from the living room. She got curious and walked there. Actually, she wanted to be there next to Sara and take advantage of every lost moment they hadn't spent together.

And Sara's face had suddenly changed in colour, it got paler, her eyes became wider, her lips trembled, and her body stiffened. She placed her hand on Sara's knees and the professor looked at her with these two scared eyes. Sara had never heard these words ever. _I'm proud of you._ One time she dreamed of hearing them, especially from her mother. Stacy was the only one who told her that.

Sara remembered how Stacy told her she was proud of her when they were very young and Sara had managed to get the highest marks in her classes. And Stacy told her she was proud of her when Sara stood for herself and didn't let any of these bullies hurt her. Stacy also told her she was proud of her on her wedding day, and that day she gave birth too. Not only that, but Stacy reminded her she was proud of her these past two years, each day of these two years. The friend drowned in Sara's blood as she was trying to clean her after the surgery and she kept mouthing she was proud of her. After every chemo session, Stacy rubbed her back and told her she was proud. Whenever she washed every inch of her body and examined parts she could let none of her usual friends examine, she told her she was proud of her. Was it because Stacy was a nurse or was it because she was her best friend that she allowed her to see her in her worst states ever, the most embarrassing states ever? Sara only knew that because Stacy was both, and was caring, gentle, and her hands did not hurt, she let her touch the pain or look for something wrong.

"Thank you," was all Sara could whisper in a voice trying too hard not to break. "You...you said you're going to college too. You wanted to, I mean."

"Yes. I did. And I will." Her mother chuckled. "But, you know, I can't just do that in February. I have to wait till September."

"That's right. I forgot."

"Alright," Evelyn said. "I don't want to take much of your time. I was just checking on you."

"Thank you."

"Would you stop thanking me for doing things I should have done years ago? I can't stop feeling awful about myself."

"I apologize." Sara was still formal and cold, she didn't know how to remove that barrier. It was just there, since ever.

Her mother sighed. Her therapist told her not to lose her temper, not to give up to her frustration, and definitely not to shout. She told her with time things would be fixed. "I just want to make sure you're happy and satisfied with your life right now. I can't put up with something bad hitting you again. I can't do that, Sara. I want you to live the life everybody lives, a life you want."

Tegan watched Sara close her eyes and open them quickly. There was that Sara who suppressed her emotions. "I am okay. I am living the life I want. Do not worry." If her mother had shown this care since she was young, Sara wouldn't have suspected for a second that these words were fake.

"You got the girl? The one you love? Are you guys together now?" Sara did not expect that question, or that question in that hopeful tone. "I'm not trying to interfere or anything. I'm not trying to snoop on your private life, Sara. I just_"

"I did," Sara said quickly, shutting up her mother. "I don't want to talk more about it, however." And that's how she wanted to end the chat. She knew where to put a stop to her mother. Everything had a line, and that's where her mother's stood.

"I understand," Evelyn said. "I'm happy for you." Sara did not believe these words because just ten days before her mother was talking about her life with disdain. People do not change in ten days, not to the better at least.

"Thank you," Sara said. "I have to go."

"Yes, honey. I'm sorry. Yes, of course," her mother said quickly. "Goodbye...I love you."

Sara did not say it back. Sara ended the call, took a deep breath, and looked at Tegan sitting beside her. Then Sara smiled. "That was my mum," Sara said.

"I figured," Tegan said, changing her sitting position, instead of sitting with her foot down like Sara, she raised them up and sat on her calves, with her butt touching her feet. "Are you alright?"

Sara looked beautiful. Handsome, in fact. Her hair straightened and her face gleaming with brightness, her eyelashes long and the eyeliner on the lower lids making her irises look even lighter than usual, her collarbones visible and the swell of her breasts giving her outfit a feminine touch.

Sara's hand touched her lover's face and brushed the cold left cheek. "I will tell you about her today. About her coming here, I mean." Tegan tilted her head and closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of Sara's hand. "I'm sorry I woke you up. You seem tired."

"My stomach woke me up," Tegan said. "I don't feel very good, I admit."

Sara's concern quickly clothed her body. "Do you...do you want me to take you to the hospital? I can call Stacy."

"No, no." Tegan lifted her head up, touching that same hand that was touching her cheek. "Calm down. I'm okay." She squeezed the hand. She didn't feel okay, but she was okay. She knew she was. "I'm just exhausted."

"What do you feel?" Sara stood at once, taking both Tegan's hands and pulling her up.

"A bit dizzy." Tegan blinked. "Oh, ya." She chuckled. "Here's the blurriness when I stand up. I can't...I..." Tegan felt herself losing her balance for few moments, which Sara had caught up on and held her tightly in her arms.

"I'll have to make Stacy monitor your blood pressure today. I think we should go to Dr. Wilson, what do you say?"

"My appointment is in a week."

"Mine too. But I'm worried about you."

"It's just stress," Tegan said. "I'll be alright."

Sara took Tegan to the kitchen, made sure she's sitting, and then the professor fiddled with everything she had in her refrigerator. What did Tegan love? What would Tegan consume? What would take her the least time making since she had a class to hurry up to? Then Sara got an idea, she still had leftovers of that nutella tart she had made three days ago. She found it there, untouched and still looking pretty.

"Sara..." Tegan hesitated. "I'm not sure this is good for someone with such a troubled stomach."

"And I'm not sure eating nothing good will keep you from passing out for another minute. Eat up." Tegan made a mental note: never argue with Sara about food. One, she's bossy; two, she's hot when she's bossy. So Tegan asked for a glass of ice. Sara wanted to let her stop this habit, but Sara knew that it was something she couldn't control. Sara had been there, she remembered craving ice, but never consuming it the way Tegan did. And because Sara felt sorry for Tegan, she gave her those ice cubes that she crunched on between each bite.

"I won't take too long, my love. I'll teach two classes and I'll come back." Sara laughed. "This is all like the first time you stayed over. It's kinda repeated."

"But better," Tegan said. She wanted it to be better.

"Of course, of course." Sara put the white round pill in her mouth and chugged a glass of water right after. The bitter taste hit her taste buds as soon as she swallowed the drug.

"What's that for?" Tegan was going to ask about anything now. Any small thing. It was not like these old times when she looked past things she saw just to give Sara space. No. Screw the space. If they were going to share such an intense bond, they needed to know every small detail about each other.

Sara leaned against the kitchen table and looked at her lover confidently. "They're pills to make me wet," Sara said. "Literally to make me wet."

"Oh." Tegan felt dumbfounded. "Those same ones you used to take?"

Sara shook her head with a little laughter. "Heavier dozes here." Sara sighed. "They do everything but not make me wet. They make me bloated all the time, they mess up my metabolism, they make me get hot flashes, they make my body parts so damn sensitive, and make me angry and moody, but still leave my vagina dry as fuck." Tegan looked like she had seen horror in front of her. "Too much information and now you're scared and rethinking being with me." Sara felt her confidence shaking.

"No," Tegan said hesitantly. "I just didn't think it was such a...tiresome process." Tegan looked down at the tart then looked up. "You seemed all fine and...wet back then."

"I also had a cervix." Sara puffed. "Now nothing feels the same. It's like...like the symptoms just hit me and they hit me hard." Her lips curled in a frown, her tears were trying to rush out of her eyes.

"It doesn't need to be the same to be good. I understand." Sara looked at her student again, blinking her tears away. "My mum told me about everything that's probably happened to your body. She told me what they usually do and the side effects that comes with it and the sexual life after it. She filled me in back then. I just didn't believe her and thought she was lying to me to make me not want to be with you ever, and yet I couldn't because sex is the last thing I care about in a relationship with you."

But then the tears made their way back again inside Sara's lids, and this time, they made an appearance. "Oh, Tegan." Sara was smiling and crying. Sara was happy. "That's the best thing I've heard in awhile."

Tegan didn't know her professor was that insecure about such trivial situations now. Tegan had become a sexual person, that's true, but with Sara, sex did not matter and she could take all the time with her to establish a healthy sex life if everything else was good.

Sara kissed her with passion and said goodbye after tucking her in bed again. When Sara kissed her, she cried again, and the tears fell on her cheeks. Tegan wiped them like she did the previous night. Then Tegan was left alone to face her own frail body. She felt so weak and tired and she no longer wanted to be that way. As soon as she rested her head on the pillow, she passed out and slept for long hours.

Sara felt herself fresh and renovated. For the first time ever since a long time ago, she remembered to switch on her car radio and choose the station that only played old music, music of love and romance, music she heard in the nineties. She sang along to the music until she parked near the coffee shop close to the university to get herself and her friend two cups of black coffee. Then she parked inside the university and went up the stairs till she was in her office. She opened the windows despite the cool air and took off her long black coat. Then she went to the office on the floor below her and laughed upon seeing Dr. Austin's head on the desk and her eyes closed.

"Looks like we changed roles," Sara mouthed then chuckled.

At once, the other professor lifted her head up as fear sprang through her body. She looked at her friend with wide eyes until she realized it was not a dream and she was in her office. "Bloody hell, Sara," Dana said with a yawn. "You frightened the shit out of me."

"You should be thanking me for getting you coffee." Sara handed the other woman her cup and sat on the desk. "You're the only English person I know who doesn't like tea."

Dana shrugged as she took her first sip. "When you have monsters from the dead land of evil and pain living in your house you need as much caffeine as possible," Dana said. "Tea doesn't give me that."

"So you like it but you don't drink it?"

"No," Dana said. Sara giggled. "But don't tell the other English professors."

"My ex husband used to think he's English sometimes. If he didn't have his tea in the morning he'd be so cranky." Sara remembered Jack's obsession with the English culture. Sometimes he spoke their accent. It was adorable to watch his passion for not only the English, but the British literature as well. Perhaps because he took his PhD from there. Perhaps because he lived there for nine years. One other reason could be that his last girlfriend before her was English, and he loved that woman.

"Jack?" Sara nodded. "Do you still speak to him?"

"Sometimes," Sara said after taking her own sip of her coffee. "Last week he texted me asking if everything's going well."

"Is everything going well?" Dana asked.

"It is." Sara smiled. "It really is." She blushed like a little girl. "I hope it stays that way."

The other professor sat back in her chair as a smirk drew itself on her face. Her eyes twinkled and her teeth bit on her lower lip. "What happened that I must know of, Sara Clement?"

"Oh." Sara giggled softly, tucking her hair behind her red ears. "We're...we're together." Dana's eyes widened and her jaw dropped immediately. "She's at my place now. She just...came in last night. It just happened."

"Shut up," Dana said. "No, seriously, shut up."

"I'm pretty serious." Sara winked and shrugged.

"Ohhhh." Dana smirked wickedly again. "I should have known your morning enthusiasm had a reason behind it. That's not usual for Professor Clement to walk to my office all jolly and delighted."

"Hold your horses," Sara said with a bit of laughter. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Oh, that's none of my business, love." Dana sighed contently as she looked at her friend. "You need it, if you know what I mean." Sara didn't know why she was blushing, but she was, and it was amusing for her friend to watch.

"Yeah," Sara said, "I suppose so."

"If you two are going to have a child, you need to take all the time you have now to have sex because, believe me, that won't be an option until that bloody baby stops waking up in the middle of night."

"Oh." Sara's eyes widened. The reality of starting a family hit her at once. She forgot, she forgot about the consequences -the first few months; the constant nightly watchfulness; the crying; the tiredness; the exhaustion- she forgot all of that.

"What did you think, sweetie?" Dana narrowed the distance between her and her friend and whispered, "The last time I had sex was two months ago...and it was rudely interrupted by a screeching cry from my bloody baby."

"Oh, come on," Sara said. "You're exaggerating. Like, you couldn't manage to find a time at all? I've had sex with men, I know shit. It's a half an hour process maximum...if you were lucky."

"Why?" Dana's eyebrows went up. "How many hours lesbian sex usually take?"

"All day." Sara smirked, patting her friend's shoulder. The other friend looked bewildered and Sara enjoyed seeing that face. She enjoyed making others jealous of her even if she wasn't experiencing whatever she was speaking of. It was a way to fulfill her crushed self-confidence and boost her ego.

"I haven't slept in three days so please don't rub it in." Dana took a sip with a scowl on her face, then said again, "Now I'm seriously praying you get the most tiresome baby ever."

"Hey," Sara said loudly. "Not fair. I deserve some joy and quiet in my life."

"Or you know what? I hope you get twins. Yes, oh yes." The professor laughed evilly. "That would satisfy me."

"You're very mean and rude." Sara felt upset that all her friends were having the same wish. She lived a life that did not seem like a proper life, yet her selfish friends wanted her to suffer like them even though she already had her fair share of suffering. "You know what? Whatever baby I'll have I'll love him or her. Even if they screamed in my ears all night long and all day long and didn't let me go to the bathroom alone like my friend's daughter, I'll still love them. Yes." Sara stood up, proudly brushing off the nothing that was on her clothes and turned around, walking with the confidence she regained and the thoughts of having a child that she would be a mother to.

Tegan spent about an hour in bed trying to put up with the pain in her stomach. She knew she shouldn't have eaten that much, but she couldn't resist not to because Sara's food was very delicious and she had missed that kind of food in her life. But also, getting used to eating light meals and all of a sudden consuming something sugary and fatty was not the way to do it. No wonder Sara looked very curvy lately, if she ate that food everyday she would get her breasts back and her thighs would be full again. Sara looked so beautiful with thick thighs and full breasts. She really couldn't wait any longer to touch her. In fact, she had been juicing in her underwear since the night before. It was quite embarrassing that she was this turned on but it had been like that lately, she was always turned on.

Then her best friend called her while she was still in bed. He was worried, she hated that. He did not need to be worried. She was with Sara, nobody should be worried when she was with Sara. But Jeremy justified his worry saying it was about her health not about Sara's treatment. And it might had been true, but she knew how Jeremy thought of Sara and how Sara thought of him. Sara did not like Jeremy since that day he called Tegan's mother, and now that she knew he and Tegan had slept together for a year, she did not like him even more.

"I'll unpack and send you your suitcase," Tegan said.

"Does that mean I'm never gonna see you again? At all? We're never going to hang out?" Jeremy's concern was evident in his tone. That's what he feared and worried about. He was obsessed with her, true, but they were friends, best friends in fact. It wouldn't be a very nice thing to let go of all her friends just to please Sara and be with her. That's what happened the last time and what was part of the destruction; she felt suffocated locked inside the four walls of Sara's apartment. Sara always wanted her to be around and when she was out, Sara threw fits after she came back, especially if she was late. That part she did not like nor understand about Sara, and she hoped it did not exist anymore.

"Of course not, Jer," Tegan said. "You're my friend. My dearest friend. Just give me these couple of days to resolve everything, to settle and talk. You know, Sara and I need to talk."

"Yes."

"Yes," Tegan said. "So I just need to spend some time with her and I'll call you whenever I'm ready."

"Sure."

"You know me. I get bored easily." She knew her friend did not believe her words.

"Sara doesn't like me."

"Sara has to put up with it because you're my best friend," Tegan said sternly. "Sara can't control me nor decide what's good and bad for me."

"That's right." He felt proud that his friend was speaking in this powerful tone. Yes, Tegan had changed and now she's responsible and more confident. He liked that.

Tegan went to the bathroom after her phone call to pee and brush her teeth. Once she felt dizzy again, she hurried back to Sara's bed and closed her eyes. She wondered what was happening to her body and why was it so weak and tired all the time. She hated that.

Sara opened the door of her apartment and walked inside as her heart drummed, fearing she might not find Tegan. But when she went to her bedroom, she found her lover curled in bed with her eyes opened. She walked up to her and sat beside her. Tegan smiled and she did too.

"H..hey," Sara said, stuttering and blushing. "I'm sorry I left you." She was lisping as well.

Tegan reached for her soft hand and pulled it, making Sara lie down next to her. "Be close to me. I want to be suffocated by your presence."

Sara kissed Tegan's forehead. "It's starting to be known that you're a literature student," Sara said. "How are you feeling, though?"

Tegan sat back and sighed. "Not very good. So much pain in my tummy."

Sara kicked off her oxfords quickly and lay closer beside her lover. "Maybe you need to poop," Sara whispered.

"Sara," Tegan said, pushing Sara's giggling face away in a sportive manner. "It's not that. It's just that you stuffed me so much and I'm not used to this type of food. I've been eating salads for the past year."

Sara shifted her body closer to Tegan once again. "Salads only?"

"Well, kind of. Green stuff, I mean. Jeremy and I decided to be healthy. We quit smoking." _That Jeremy again._ Whenever Tegan mentioned him, Sara felt her competitive soul become activated.

"No meat at all? No chicken? Any other type of protein?" Sara asked.

"I don't eat red meat...and I rarely ate chicken." Tegan paused. "But I did have omelets and, like, dairy stuff...I mean yogurt. Cheese sometimes. Even sugary snacks, I did have those too."

"Okay." Sara sat up. "Now I see your entire problem. No wonder you can't even move without getting dizzy." Sara shook her head. "I know what I'm gonna make for dinner today."

"Don't tire yourself. Don't make food just for me." Tegan sat up too.

"I make food everyday because Ella and Stacy dine with me." Sara watched her student rub her temples, shutting her eyes tightly. "Maybe you should just lie down."

"The worst type of pain just hit my head." Tegan's head returned on the pillow again. "I'm such a burden."

"You're not," Sara said. "Stop saying that. I love taking care of you." Sara blushed. "It's that kind of instinct in me that you don't like. You know, taking care of you."

"Well," Tegan said as she toyed with Sara's shirt, pulling it out of her trousers, "will you take care of me in a different way right now?"

She felt ashamed that her arousal had reached that point of no going back. She couldn't control her libido and sexual desire. She couldn't even keep her need locked inside. She had been dreaming about Sara's touch since that day she and Sara left each other. She missed it. She missed it heavily and she craved it every hour of each day. She imagined it while touching herself in the bathroom. Only when Jeremy was out she was able to touch herself and imagine Sara's hands instead of hers. And when it was Jeremy touching her, she imagined Sara doing it. She did not want to waste anytime and play timid and coy, she felt the sexual need ripping through her and clothing her like an evil spirit taking over one's body.

Sara bit her lower lips as she pondered what Tegan had said inside her head. When Tegan pulled her by the collars closer to her face, Sara was no more doubtful of what Tegan was asking for. "You want me to have sex with you," Sara said.

"Yes," Tegan confirmed. "I want you to touch me, yes. Gently...because I feel tired." She blushed. "But I need it."

Sara swallowed, nodding and sitting up again. She looked all around her. The room was not dark. Her curtains were aside and the outside sky was cloudy and the view looked gloomy. Her heart felt scared and uncertain. But Tegan wanted to be touched and she was not going to let her inner fears and insecurities stand in their way. She wanted to touch Tegan as well. She wanted it so bad. She wanted to feel her moist rosy walls once again and be drenched in her thick fluids again. She wanted to taste her, to feel her, to see her face when the moment of euphoria hit her once again.

Sara leaned in and pecked her lover. She started undressing her with her shaky hands. Tegan felt Sara's hesitancy and nerves. She took off her shorts and underwear at once and threw the two items on the floor. Sara's breath almost stopped when she looked back at Tegan, naked with her legs apart, showing a cunt so pink and wet, so goddamn wet. And then...Sara felt her clit alive once again, making her aware that she still had that beautiful part in her body, created only for sexual pleasure and nothing more.

Then Tegan moved her hands to Sara's shirt, unbuttoning it slowly. Once she made sure Sara was okay with what she was doing after she was given a nod, she started getting Sara rid of her clothes quickly. While she was helping her lower her pants, she saw the different lines of stitches on Sara's lower abdomen. But what she did was pretend as if she had paid no attention to them. She did not even pause nor stare for more than a second. She helped Sara get rid of her pants and her black satin panties quickly. It was cute and it had lace on the sides. Tegan looked down to see Sara's beautiful vulva, with its red lips and its clit asking for attention.

But Sara hurriedly covered both of their lower bodies with the white sheets tangled up beneath them. She kicked her socks from underneath the sheets and threw them along with her clothes on the floor. Tegan lay back again on the pillow as her professor's lips helped pushing her down even more with the hungry kiss she pressed on her own lips.

Tegan was taken by surprise, her eyes fluttered open and shut as she tried to gain her control over Sara's powerful dominance. She hadn't been kissed like that since ever. Maybe Sara used to kiss like that in the past, she didn't remember. But that kiss came all of a sudden, it was hungry and needy and full of intense lust. Tegan gave up and let Sara do what she wanted to do. She was very tired anyway. Tired and horny was not a good combination. Perhaps she felt that Sara was way stronger because of how weak she felt. She closed her eyes and let Sara kiss her as if she was the sleeping beauty and Sara was trying to wake her up.

Sara thought of the softness of her lover's body. She thought about licking all that's her. She thought about touching her all over her skin. She was lost in this kiss, moving her tongue in a slow rhythm while moving her hands all over these two arms of her lover. She didn't hear Tegan's moans and it worried her but she was able to tell that the woman beneath her was whimpering and ready to be touched. She felt her hips moving against her own and was able to feel the connection that Tegan was trying to put them in slowly.

But Sara snaked her hand between them and touched the ocean between Tegan's leg. She was wet, so fucking wet. Sara hadn't felt such wetness in forever. Tegan was fucking drenched. She could slip her finger in easily because while she was trailing her digits between Tegan's slit, she felt them almost sucked in by Tegan's entrance whenever she came close to it.

And Tegan was dying to have these two digits inside of her. She wanted them badly, she needed them, in fact. She missed them; the way they curled inside her; the way they moved; the thrusts they provided; the way she hugged them. _Oh God_ , Sara's breasts were pressed against hers and her hard nipples were poking hers and it felt so nice and refreshing to feel a woman's body above hers, and not just any woman, no, no, it was Sara's, her lover's, her one and only lover. Her hunger finally struck her, making her take a rough hold of one breast and squeeze. But then Sara pulled away from that kiss and gasped in an unbearable pain. She was very sensitive and tender, she couldn't be touched this way. Goddamn them these pills, they took away the joy of roughness and pain that came with the pleasure.

"Gentle," Sara mouthed. She didn't want to hurt Tegan's feelings. Tegan didn't know.

"I'm very sorry." But Tegan knew, and she knew Sara thought she didn't know. But she knew she hurt her very much because she knew Sara's facial expressions. So Tegan gently stroked that breast with her fingertips, just brushing the flesh while looking at it.

Sara resumed the kiss after smiling to assure her girlfriend nothing was wrong. They made out in silence as Sara searched and examined each part of Tegan's pussy. She missed her pussy and she missed being inside her warm walls and missed playing with her small clit and beautiful lips.

Tegan closed her eyes again and let her mind, body, and soul; all relax as she was being touched very gently, carefully, and slowly by Sara's skilled fingers. That was the love and sex she always wanted: Sweet, gentle, meaningful. It was not all about the fun and the pleasure, it was about the feeling. She felt her clit being teased with anticlockwise rotations, she felt her lips being pulled, and felt two digits poking her entrance. She opened her eyes as a very slow moan escaped her lips. Sara was staring at her now. Sara was watching her face. And when she opened her eyes, Sara blushed intensely because she was caught in the act of watching. Sara felt as if she was a creep but there was nothing more beautiful than watching the one you love living the moments of the ecstasy your own fingers and body were providing. She took pride in that, she took pride in making Tegan's eyes shut and Tegan's heart beat and Tegan's mouth open and Tegan's pussy water. She took pride in making Tegan yell and scream for her. But wait a minute, Tegan wasn't doing that, and she used to do that. She used to moan loudly and Sara loved it so much. But now Tegan was barely letting any sound. No matter how differently she touched her, Tegan didn't voice any pleasured sounds. Her face seemed as if she was pleased and satisfied but there were no sounds. Even when Sara slapped her pussy lightly, waiting for a little reaction; Tegan's face only reddened and her eyes closed, but there was no sound.

Sara kissed her neck and sucked. She was then able to hear her heavy breaths and gasps. She slapped her pussy again and Tegan winced. Sara looked up and watched Tegan looking down at her. "Did I hurt you?"

"It was just...surprising." But Tegan's voice was very low and raspy and Sara loved it because it was turning her on.

"How come...?" Sara couldn't continue, she was afraid of asking.

"What is it?" Tegan felt Sara's finger unconsciously circling her clit slowly. She needed Sara to be inside before she came.

"You're not moaning so loudly like before." Sara wanted to hide her face and she did so because she was so embarrassed. She hid it in Tegan's chest and giggled at herself and the fact she was embarrassed to ask such a question.

"I learned how to control that." Tegan felt amused, especially when Sara giggled again and covered her face with her hand. "Why are you so shy?"

Sara wiped the beads of sweat off her brow. She laughed again at herself and collected the cover that was falling off, putting it back above her naked bum. "I feel very creepy. Like, it turns me on when you moan so loudly. And I was just watching your face when I was rubbing you and I felt very creepy when you opened your eyes and saw me."

"I felt embarrassed. I'm not sure if my sex face is good to see."

"Oh, it is, believe me." Sara laughed a bit, still rubbing Tegan's clit.

"Does it make you wet?" Tegan asked.

"I think, yes." Sara blushed again.

"Good," Tegan said. "Now finger me and suck my breasts, please." She was no longer afraid to ask for what she wanted. She asked Jeremy before and she was used to do it often after. He asked her to do some things too and she did most of them unless she was not very comfortable or not in the mood.

Sara was delighted to be asked. She sucked Tegan's breasts one after the other and pushed her two digits easily in. She knew she could fit a third in but Tegan wanted very soft and gentle sex. Sara sucked on a nipple and tweaked the other while her eyes were open, staring at Tegan's pleased face. Her own pussy was pressed against Tegan's thigh and the feeling felt great for the first time. Her fingers felt Tegan's wet walls and she became instantly curious to discover more and go deeper, to feel how healthy and beautiful Tegan was inside there, unlike herself. But she didn't want to hurt Tegan and she didn't want her curiosity to pull Tegan away from the serene mood she was in.

Tegan was very relaxed and was feeling so good. Sara made her come after a few minutes and her orgasm was gentle, not too strong and not too quiet, it was just the right orgasm that her body wanted. When she opened her eyes, she watched Sara's coppery ones staring at her. She felt more exposed than ever knowing Sara had witnessed her entire orgasm. When she had sex with Jeremy they always did it when the lights were off. And if at rare times they did not, it usually was rushed and he did not take a long look at her face as she hit her orgasm. She remembered taking a look at his face when she was giving him a blow job that one time. She felt very embarrassed and uncomfortable so she closed her eyes as soon as she saw his flushed face, her heart was beating, her body was sweaty and tensed. She was glad these days were over, she hoped she wouldn't have to live them once again.

When Sara started feeling Tegan's walls relax and unclench, she slowly began to pull out of her warm hole. She continued looking at her because she missed her face and wanted to remember every detail of it just in case mortality made itself known to her once again. Death was just something she thought about even while having sex, it was always there in her mind. _What if? Why not? But it can't. Well, it surely can._ She conversed with her mind and thought about things others wouldn't think of while having sex.

Tegan's eyes closed while Sara heard her very tiny whimpers. They were sexy. She was lovely. Sara looked at her two drenched fingers and craved them so much, so she pushed them inside her mouth and sucked with delight. Tegan opened her tired eyes and watched Sara licking her juices off her fingers. Tegan smiled when Sara sighed peacefully after pulling her fingers out of her mouth. Tegan felt her eyes closing and her mind shutting down.

"I want to scream crude vocabulary in your ears while I devour you," Sara said. "I want to devour you," she whispered. Tegan tried to open her eyes but she couldn't, instead she mumbled something Sara couldn't hear. "Are you tired, my love?" Tegan hummed in response. "Did I tire you out?" Tegan nodded. Sara kissed her pouty lips and laughed. "Get some sleep." Tegan did not say anything, her eyes were closed too. "Is it okay if I go get Ella from kindergarten while you sleep?" Tegan's eyes opened just a tad. She nodded while squinting and then turned around on her side, closing her eyes while Sara planted soft kisses on her temple and then her shoulder.

Sara stretched and got off her bed. She covered Tegan's frame entirely with the duvet that was at the edge of the mattress. Sara walked to the bathroom and peed. She went into the shower and very quickly soaked her entire skin and hair. She only washed her hair with her shampoo and did not use any conditioner and did not wash her body. But she inserted a finger between her lips to inspect. She was not wet, but she was definitely not as dry as she always had been. She thought maybe the water had washed off her wetness. She left the shower, brushed her teeth, and dried her hair with the blow dryer very quickly. She dressed herself casually and walked to her room again to grab her car keys and wallet.

Beef stroganoff with mashed potatoes and pasta on the side was perfect for Tegan. Sara knew too well how to hide the taste of meat that Tegan despised. Tegan loved mushrooms and she could easily hide the unwanted flavours with the mushroom sauce and the pieces of mushroom so Tegan could eat the meat. Fresh lime juice was perfect for anemic people. And to end it, she could make a classic, delicious strawberry shortcake that she was sure Tegan would love because Tegan also loved strawberries. And so, before Sara went to pick Ella up, she went to the supermarket to get her supply of beef, mushrooms, potatoes, pasta, some spices, lime, cucumbers and tomatoes for the salad she was going to make, onions, whip cream, and strawberries. She tried to remember if she had enough eggs, once she was sure she had more than she needed, she moved to the soda section to pick some cans for herself later. She also added juice boxes for Ella because she ran out of her supply. She tried to remember if she had flour, she couldn't remember so she added flour and then butter in her cart. She also took three bags of sour cream and onion chips and one of salt and vinegar for Ella. She remembered to get a bag of gummy bears for her as well. But, as she was leaving the candy section, her mind made her make a return to get another bag for Tegan.

Once she felt satisfied with everything in her cart, she stood in line behind everybody waiting to pay for what they had added in their carts and then leave. She looked around her at how busy everybody seemed. Sometimes it occurred to her to think about others. They all had their own busy lives and most of them were in a hurry just like her. She wondered if someone was as excited and happy as she was now. Just a week before when she was in that place she was desperate and in a rush too because she did not want to interact with these strange faces nor see a smile on any of them. The woman with the white hair could be as excited as her. She had many things in her cart, too many things. She could be preparing to cook for her grandchildren if she had any. And that man with his crying infant in the front carrier could be having a very hard time. She wanted to help him, to show him how to make his son stop crying. She wondered where was the mother if there was any. Or maybe that's not even his father. Everyone had their story and she had hers and at times like these she felt as if she wanted to share the world her happiness that she felt upset seeing someone struggling as that man, or someone standing there with no expression on their face like that teenager standing before her. She wanted everyone to have the same excited smile as that grey-haired woman and herself. But then again, did the world care when she was suffering? Did they think the same thing these past years when they saw her? She remembered some staring, yes, she definitely did.

Sara brushed away her thoughts as the car radio interrupted them again. She drove in silence to the kindergarten. Ella demanded to be carried and Sara carried her. The little girl placed her head on Sara's shoulder as Sara talked to the principal. She cleared up the confusion that the older woman had. She was not Ella's other mother. She was her mother's friend. The principal was worried because Ella did not want to interact nor speak to anybody. She also preferred to play alone. Sara said she would inform her mother.

Sara and Ella stepped inside the silent apartment and Ella ran to the bathroom immediately. Sara remembered that Tegan was asleep on her bed in full nudity. "When you finish, call me," Sara said to Ella and then went to her room. Tegan was still asleep. She also remembered that the she needed to change the sheets. She didn't want to do it, but she had to wake Tegan up. She shook her body gently and waited till her student's eyes opened after stretching and yawning. "I'm so sorry, sweetie."

"What time is it?"

"Half past one, I believe," Sara went to her closet. She took Ella's small towel and clothes. "I need you to get dressed and change the sheets. You can find clean ones in the third drawer." Sara pointed at her dresser.

"What..." Tegan yawned again. "...What are these for?"

"These are Ella's. Her mother keeps some of her stuff here because she spends most of her time here." Tegan sat up, holding the duvet against her chest. "I'm going to give her a bath, if you need anything tell me."

Tegan was left alone to get dressed and change the sheets. She stayed in her night clothes because she felt lazy. She already felt at home and at home she never wore bras and so she did not wear one. While living with Jeremy, she did wear bras and only took them off before falling asleep. It wasn't home at Jeremy's.

She looked at the floor and saw Sara's panties and her own one from the morning when they threw them. She also saw Sara's bra and Sara's clothes. She did not know what's dirty and what's not so she picked everything including the sheets and paced to the bathroom. The door was ajar and Sara was giggling with Ella.

"I know these boys can be mean. Don't be afraid of them, they're silly." Tegan stood at the door. Ella looked up at her. Sara had taken off her sweater and remained in her bra. She was washing Ella's hair. When Sara noticed Ella's focus had moved towards something else, she turned around to see what was the kid staring at. Tegan was smiling. Her heart felt warm and happy. "Oh, hi, Tegan."

"Hi, uh, I was just wondering if all of these are dirty." She picked Sara's clothes in one hand.

"Oh, yes. Throw them in the hamper."

"Go," Ella said, pointing at Tegan. "Go, go."

"Go out, she's shy." Sara laughed. "Don't be shy, it's Teetee."

"Go, go," Ella said again with a scowl. Tegan was laughing.

"What are all these things?" Tegan mumbled to herself as she looked at the numerous bags on the kitchen counter. Sara had went grocery shopping and apparently she had bought everything. Tegan wanted to help her partner, she emptied these bags and began to discover the nooks and corners of the small kitchen. She found three unused bags of flour. Two had expired already. "She must be losing it." Sara's refrigerator was also full. There were many soda cans in there and so much butter and different kinds of fruits and vegetables. Sara was one of those people who lost themselves in the supermarket and just grabbed what their eyes fell on. Her grandmother was like that. Her refrigerator had everything and everything was expired because she lived alone and nobody ate anything even when she and her cousins visited.

"Run to the room," Tegan heard Sara say. "Go there and I'll get you gummy bears and juice." She heard fast footsteps and the sound of the door. Sara walked in, laughing. "Oh, you're here."

"I was just trying to help." Sara squeezed Tegan's body between her own and between the kitchen counter. She kissed her and licked her lips. "Oh, God." Tegan laughed nervously.

"Come with me to the room." Sara took Ella's bag of gummy bears and a box of apple juice. "Oh, I got you gummy bears too."

"Thanks," Tegan said. She laughed more. "I'm still very full."

"Drink water. Did you do that?" Tegan nodded. "Yes, stay hydrated. I'm gonna make you a very delicious dinner."

"You're spoiling me already."

"The perks of being with Sara," Sara said as they walked to her room, "huge amounts of food and orgasms." Sara winked at laughing Tegan before opening the door. Ella was sitting in the middle of her bed, already arranging her toys and hugging the teddy bear that Sara angrily kicked on the floor while she and Tegan were having sex. "Alriiighttt," Sara said. "I think I need to start with your unpacking."

"Oh, sorry," Tegan said. "I don't know where to put my things. I don't want to take over your space."

"I can make you some space. Is it okay if I unpacked for you? There's just so much mess."

"Yes, and I'll watch and direct you." Tegan sat on the mattress next to Ella, who looked up at her. "I hope I'm not intruding," Tegan said to Ella. Ella shook her head and rolled her eyes, staring at Tegan from the corner of her eyes.

"She's not used to you yet." Sara began unpacking the first suitcase. She decided she'd take everything out and put the similar items together and decide later where she was going to put everything.

"Why?" Tegan asked.

"You make her shy." Sara smiled while taking one item after the other from Tegan's suitcase. Tegan had many hoodies, many pants, many shirts, many everything. But after each item she took out of the suitcase, there was bra messily stuck around it by either the straps or the clasps. Tegan had so many bras and Sara didn't understand why.

"Don't be shy, El," said Tegan. Ella remained silent. "But we're good friends. Remember the other day when we played house together?" Ella lifted her head up. Her wide eyes were hopeful and beautiful.

"Do you like bears?" Ella offered Tegan gummy bears. "Take." Tegan took one. "Do you like house?"

"Yes," Tegan said.

Ella paused and looked up at her toys. "Look," she pointed at a Barbie with one missing boot. "Eddie took her boot." Tegan nodded, she felt confused. "So I...I bit him."

"Eddie's my cousin's son," Sara pointed out. "Good girl, El. I don't like Eddie." Tegan also had a vibrator that Sara saw hidden underneath the pile of clothes. She wrapped it up in one red t-shirt so Ella wouldn't see it then hid it behind her back. She wondered when did Tegan buy it and if she used it with Jeremy or alone only or never used it in the first place.

"He kissed me." Ella covered her face with her hands. Tegan and Sara both laughed. "But," Ella said, removing her hands, "it was was disgusting. I said eww and then I told mommy and she said eww."

"You don't like Eddie?" Tegan asked.

"No," Ella shouted. "I only like girls."

"Oh, whoa." Tegan laughed loudly.

"It's true," Sara said. They needed a bigger house. Where was she going to put all these things? Her closet barely held her own clothes. She needed to work on that immediately.

"I like you," Ella said to Tegan. "And I like Sasa," she continued when she felt too shy saying she liked Tegan. "And I like mommy when she doesn't talk and say Ella go sleep, Ella stop jumping on the sofa, Ella eat your breakfast, Ella get your jacket," Ella mocked her mother's voice, watching how both women were staring at her with peals of laughter. She felt admired because she had all the attention. She was excited and hyper and talkative.

"Okay, seriously," Sara said. "How many bras do you have?" Ella stopped talking. She and Tegan looked at the carpeted floor where Tegan's bras were arranged. "Did you rob a lingerie store?" Ella laughed.

"My size changed," Tegan said. "Half of these are too big for me now."

"I'm gonna take them," Sara said. "Can I take them? I think they're my size." Sara picked one white bra with red polka dots. "And they're cute."

"Ya, take them. I don't care." Tegan shrugged.

"I want one," Ella said, hopping off the bed and walking to Sara.

"No," Sara said. "You don't have boobies." Ella frowned. "And Tegan is my girlfriend not yours."

Ella screeched loudly, stomping her feet on the floor and hitting Sara's head with her hands. Sara was laughing so hard, her hair was everywhere on her face. Tegan felt flummoxed that her thirty five year old girlfriend was trying to tease a four year old child and make her jealous. "Tegum is my girlfriend," Ella said. Her tears were beginning to fall.

"Oh my God." Tegan gasped. "Why do you do that?" she said to Sara. "Come here, El. Don't listen to that old lady." Sara was still giggling. "I'm your girlfriend." She hugged the small child and kissed her forehead.

"Old lady," Ella said, sticking her tongue out at Sara.

Later in the kitchen while Sara started to cook and Ella was watching television in the living room, Tegan said, "Why would you try to tease a young child?"

"She thinks she's your girlfriend."

"So what?" Tegan watched her girlfriend chop pieces of the meat. "I don't think she understands the concept of being a girlfriend."

"Yes, she does," Sara said. "She wanted to take your bra."

"Sara." Tegan sighed. "I can't believe you're serious." Sara did not say anything. "She's a kid. She just thought it's cool since you were like I want them and she felt as if she's part of this whole thing that you and I are in and was like I want one too." Sara shrugged. Tegan was reasonable of course and she was immature and childish but she did not care. "I can't believe you and a four year old fought over a bra. I just can't believe that even happened."

"I'm a baby, yes, I know."

"A two year old baby, yes." Tegan said as she grinned. "Babe," Tegan said, "didn't I tell you I don't like red meat?"

"Beef stroganoff is good for anemic people. You won't taste the meat, I promise you." Sara pulled out the pan and put it above the stove, she put some oil in it and waited for it to heat. For a moment, she felt stupid and pathetic. What was she doing? She was excited, why couldn't she be excited? And she was making big plans in her head. Next week she'd go search for bigger houses, but Tegan must come along. She didn't want an apartment, she wanted a house for her and Tegan. Then she was going to write exams for the classes she was teaching. In May, Tegan would finish university, graduation would be in early June. Then she and Tegan could go anywhere and everywhere together. But she halted and stopped thinking when the fear rushed back in again, the fear of dying, of losing it all, of destruction and hopelessness. Was she not supposed to make plans like everybody else?

Later that day Stacy helped Sara in the kitchen when she returned. Dinner was as good as Sara wished it to be. Stacy moaned taking her first bite, which made Tegan raise an eyebrow. Ella rolled her eyes at her mother. Sara asked Tegan if she liked it many times. Tegan told her that she loved it, in fact. Tegan finished her whole plate. But that was not enough for Sara because she and Stacy ate so much while Tegan only ate that.

"I want you to monitor her blood pressure after you remove her cannula," Sara said. "Tegan are you still dizzy?"

"I'm okay." Tegan did not want Stacy to be a nurse to her.

"She's not. She fainted yesterday and was sent to the hospital." Stacy studied the back of Tegan's hand.

"I'm fine now."

"I want to make sure you're fine," Sara insisted.

"So you're living here now, Tegan?" Stacy asked.

"I suppose so."

"Yes, she is," Sara said. Stacy smiled at Sara. A smile only Sara understood. Sara kicked her leg under the table and Stacy almost choked on her drink.

"I want to talk to you about Ella," Sara said when both Tegan and Ella were in the living room. "Her principal said she's very quiet and isolated and doesn't like to mingle."

"She's new," Stacy said, "of course she's quiet."

"Yes, but that woman was too worried."

"How is she around you?"

"Perfectly fine." Sara shrugged, washing the dish in her hand. "She told Tegan a couple of stories today and hit me for saying Tegan is my girlfriend."

"She did what?" Stacy yelled.

"Relax. It was cute." Stacy sighed, cleaning the table. "I want you to monitor Tegan's blood pressure now."

Sara handed her friend the sphygmomanometer after she had removed the cannula. "They're such idiots, they couldn't even find her veins. Look what they have done to her arm." Stacy showed concerned Sara Tegan's arm. Many red spots had gotten blue and they were the result of trying to find the right vein they could work with. "Next time you're there ask for me, I know how to do it."

"There won't be a next time," Sara said shortly.

Both Sara and Ella watched as Stacy took Tegan's blood pressure. Ella stood on the sofa to get a better look and Sara stood behind it while Tegan and Stacy both sat there. How ironic to Tegan that Stacy was the one taking care of her. Stacy's hands were very gentle and delicate, she could barely feel their touch, unlike that nurse from the day before, her touch was so harsh and rough. Stacy's touch was soft and careful and made her relax.

"That's not very good," Stacy said. "79/55"

"That's bad," Sara shouted. "That's very bad." Tegan didn't understand.

"Yeah, I think you need some rest and some nutrition." Stacy was not sure if that alone was going to get Tegan's blood pressure to a normal rate once again.

Stacy wanted to ask Sara many questions and Tegan wanted to ask Sara others and Sara wanted to say different things to Stacy and different things to Tegan. But none of them did anything and the night was spent in uncertainty and quick glances towards each other. Tegan was worried about what's going to come. Was that the life Sara lived? Was Stacy there everyday? And Ella too? And did Sara go around worrying about this and that and wanting this and that and taking care of everyone? What about her and her life? What about university? What about tomorrow? Who would drive her there tomorrow?

"Tegan," Sara said all of a sudden. "Go to bed, honey." Tegan didn't know she was thinking while falling asleep. She slept too much and still felt tired. She felt strange and felt as if her day had been wasted. She wanted to sit with Sara and look at her without these people around. Now Ella was asleep on her mother's lap. The four year old hugged her mother's torso and put her head on her mother's chest while both her legs hugged her mother's waist from each side. She looked at Stacy's hand rubbing her daughter's back and then looked at Sara who was looking at her. She stood up and went to the bedroom. The moment her head hit the pillow the moment her eyes closed.

"Are you happy now?" Stacy asked.

"I am," Sara answered.

"You don't seem happy."

"I am worried about her." Stacy nodded. "Stacy?"

"Yes?"

"When you just had Ella, did you, uh, you and Tony, did you have time to, you know? Like at all?"

"Wow." Stacy chortled. "Is that what you're thinking of?" Sara nodded. "Well, yes. Not a lot, though. But we ceased the moments she was asleep."

"My friend today was talking about how she hadn't had sex for two months."

"Sara," Stacy said in a louder tone, making her daughter stir. "You're thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about now. You're way too early and you're making so much plans in your head and you don't even know what could happen."

"I deserve to think and plan and daydream just like all of you healthy people," Sara snapped. Ella was waking up.

"That's not what I meant." Stacy paused, shushing her daughter's whimpers. "I just think that she's the one who needs to have a healthy body first before you think of that," she said in a lower tone.

"I'm gonna get her there." Sara felt determined to do so.

"I need to have a long talk with you. I still have no idea what just happened. I left you yesterday angry and I come here today with your smiles and your daydreams all over the place."

"We're back together, that's what happened. She just came up here at midnight yesterday and we talked and cried and decided it's best we're together. It's simple. Why does it have to have some dramatic effect and some tragic story? Two people love each other, they're back together. As simple as that. Why can't I smile and daydream about it, huh? Tell me."

"Don't cry," Stacy said when she felt her friend's voice breaking. "I should go. We'll talk later." Stacy stood up. Sara was glad that Stacy had a car now and she wouldn't be forced to drive her like she did the past few days. Now she could just be angry at Stacy and her words.

 _She always did that._ Whenever Tegan was there, Stacy did that and said these words and Sara hated them and did not understand them and did not believe them. Stacy was the one who brought Tegan to this place in the first place, and the one who arranged with her and the one who wanted her to give Sara a second chance. Maybe they were both tired. Maybe she didn't let her friend speak. Maybe she was just too happy to let anybody pull her back to reality.

Tegan was calmly asleep when she joined her after changing her clothes and brushing her teeth. She hugged her small body and felt that there was really no need to cry. She cried everyday because she was lonely but now she didn't need to cry because of something her friend had said. She was a sensitive woman and cried easily but there was no need now because Tegan was there in her arms, asleep on her bed, and living in her place. She was going to plan and daydream and smile and contemplate and be happy, she was going to live as if she was never going to die and not think of anything other than the fact she had gotten the woman she was trying so hard to get. Why cry about things others said? Why cry because of worry? This moment was more important, Tegan asleep on her mattress at the moment was way more important.


	8. My Friend VS Your Friend

**1\. Trigger warnings for depression and suicide talk. 2. Anybody has a problem with Stacy being in the story just don't read the story because she's gonna be in it a lot. 3. Again, Halo was only narrated in Tegan's POV, Catharsis is narrated in an omniscient POV and isn't limited to the thoughts of one character. So each character may see things differently, put that in mind. 4. Not everything has to make sense now, there's a reason it's called plot and it has its elements. Things may appear later and are hidden now for some reason. 5. Thank you for reading and reviewing *sweet smile***

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Maybe it was a bad idea; going to university with this state she was in. It was probably a terrible idea. No, what was terrible was going to Jeremy's place to return the suitcase. She found a cab from Sara's place to his, but now she couldn't find any to return home. She was forced to walk while it was raining and hailing. Everything felt like it was happening again; she hated secrecy. She felt tired. She needed the semester to be over. Sara woke up with an awful headache. It made her cry. Tegan feared these moments and felt them coming quickly.

"It's a migraine, I get them often now," Sara said as she put her head in her hand and cried.

Tegan made breakfast and Sara watched while her head rested on the kitchen table. Sara's place was only a street away from university, so there was no need to be worried; she could walk. Sara taught the first class with difficulty. Maybe the students hadn't noticed, but Tegan did. She watched her lips carefully drink one cup of coffee after the other like an addict. She wondered if Sara had slept well, she wondered what happened after she went to bed.

"Goddamn it," Tegan cried loudly as a car rushed past her in full speed and splashed her with water, making her entire body drenched. "Fuck you," Tegan yelled. "I hope you fucking drown, you fuck face." Her anger arose more and chilliness hugged her body, making her shiver and curse underneath her breath.

"Don't curse at random people in the street," it was Sara's voice that surprised her all of a sudden, making her lift her head up and look at the street. The woman was in her car, a big, goofy smile on her face. "That's not very polite," Sara said in a low voice this time. "Come on. Get in. Let's go get you a warm bath."

She had heard of someone's day magically getting better and hers definitely did. She smiled so big when she saw Sara. She got inside the car and shivered. Her teeth crackled against each other as she rubbed her hands together.

"Aww." Sara laughed softly. "You're like a wet cute kitty." Sara looked at her for a second then focused on the road.

"Sara," Tegan whined. Two days together and Sara was already teasing her. God, she loved it.

"Tegan," Sara said in the exact same whiny tone, then she laughed. "It's okay, my love. It happens. We don't see it when we splash people. The roads suck. I'll give you a nice hot bath like the one I give Ella."

"I'm not four." Tegan scowled. "We talked about this."

"You're not four, but you're my little baby and I'm not gonna change that. I told you." Sara never changed her mind; she always wanted people to see what she saw. She was admired for her determination and willpower.

"Sometimes I feel like you have some mother and daughter fetish," Tegan mumbled, brushing her wet fringe away.

"Perhaps I do." Sara winked, not caring that Tegan's eyes widened.

"How's your headache, though?" Tegan neglected their little teasing and jumped into the question twirling inside her head since she and Sara departed after their class.

"Oh, God, much better." Butterflies erupted in Sara's stomach when her girlfriend asked her that question. Stupid butterflies; they're for teenagers. Sometimes she felt like she was one. It felt so sweet of Tegan. She loved to be taken care of despite the fact that she hid it so well. "Dana gave me some pill she takes when she gets her horrible migraines and it worked magically."

"Good. I'm glad you're okay. I was a bit worried." Tegan sneezed after her sentence. It was very very cold.

Sara's craving heart wanted someone to feel worry and anxiousness when it came to her. She wanted attention and she voiced it once to Tegan, saying she needed pity. She wanted someone to give her care and spoil her and love her and hug her and tickle her. She wanted to be treated the way she treated Tegan. So when Tegan said that, Sara's stomach increased in butterflies; she smiled and clutched the steering wheel as excitement arose inside her.

Tegan was shaking and shivering when she got inside Sara's apartment. "I really hate winter," she said exasperatedly. Sara laughed and pushed her gently to the bathroom. Her clothes were soaked and her hair as well. She rubbed both of her hands and blew on them to get some heat.

"The place will be warm in a few minutes. I just switched on the heating system," Sara said.

Tegan took off her clothes in the bathroom and handed each damp item to Sara, who was watching her with an intense gaze. Sara's eyes were warm but intense; the way Sara's eyes usually were; the way Tegan fell in love with them two years before.

"I think I need to pee," Tegan said, hinting that Sara should leave the bathroom.

"Do it," Sara said. "I'll open the faucet and let the water pour in the tub and watch you pee." Sara smiled.

"No." Tegan shook her head. "You're going to go outside and let me have some privacy." Their interaction felt very genuine. They didn't really worry about hurting each other's feelings with too much honesty or dry jokes. It's as if they had been dating for these past two years, not only dated for two months and left each other and now they were back. Everything around them and in their presence felt normal, domestic, relaxing. Tegan could say what she wanted to say. She stayed with Jeremy for a year and there was this huge barrier and this line between them that none broke no matter how many times they slept together, but around Sara, there were no barriers; no lines; no filters; no anything—just them exposed and raw and real.

"Fine, Ms. _you-think-I'm-shy-around-you-?_ " Sara stuck her tongue out while pouring a bit of cherry bubble bath oil into the pouring water. She left Tegan alone and went to her room. She would have to go pick Ella up. She felt guilty that the thought made her huff in irritation. She loved Ella and loved to help her mother take care of her, but with Tegan there, it's like the mother and her daughter were intruding on her own honeymoon with Tegan. Perhaps she could talk with Stacy and let her know that she and Tegan wanted a bit of space to discover each other's lives and be together. It was the honeymoon phase all over again.

Good thing it was the weekend; she wouldn't have to pick up Ella the day after nor the day that followed that. Her mother would be at home because she didn't have to work on the weekends.

Sara took her phone back to the bathroom, going inside without knocking. Tegan jumped, looking up at her while washing her hands. She had already taken her underwear off and Sara ogled (without any shame) her body parts and focused on her tattoos.

"Already missed me?" Tegan said with a wicked smile, walking to the tub. "Ohhh." She closed her eyes when her toes met the warm water.

Sara sat on the ledge of the tub but regretted it right away because Tegan splashed her with water, purposefully. The student snorted loudly, watching Sara gasp. Sara was trying to open her eyes but foam was covering her entire face.

"Fucking hell, Tegan."

"Maybe you should, like, come here, you know, take these off, come here, hug me, I'm cold and your body's pretty warm." Sara wasn't sure if she was dreaming or imagining or whatever it was but Tegan was someones—someone so confident and different. It was the same Tegan but less shy.

"No," Sara said. She didn't want to get in there because she knew what Tegan was aiming for. She didn't want Tegan to touch and discover. She didn't want her body to be touched at that moment. She felt as if the process would be more complicated; having to warn Tegan and ruin the moment for her and tell her to be careful and slow. She didn't have time for that and was not in the mood for it. If it was the old Sara, she would be in the mood for it, but not this one with her frozen sexual desire.

Tegan didn't ask again. One look from Sara's eyes let her know that Sara was not only anxious but frightened, scared, and horrified. Sara wasn't fully ready to give herself up that quickly. Sara was trying but she wasn't courageous enough as she used to be. Sara was scared of her reaction and her judgment and her.

Tegan touched her hand and rubbed it.

They had a new type of understanding through their eyes. Sara once read in a book that true lovers understood each other without having to pronounce the words; they just looked into each other's eyes and everything was made clear. Everything was made clear for Tegan to understand it without pushing too hard. It made Sara smile.

"So," Tegan said, resting her head against the wall behind while her hand scooped some water that instantly fell out of it.

"When did you get the tattoos?" Sara quickly asked. She was waiting for the right moment and nothing felt more right than this moment.

Tegan twisted her right arm and looked at the tattoo then did the same with the left one. Her lips were pouty and her cheeks were red. "A year ago," Tegan said, finally looking up at Sara. "With Jeremy."

"Jeremy!" Sara wanted to mouth that inside her head but instead said it loudly, not realizing how bitter her tone was until she noticed Tegan's eyebrows raised.

"You really don't like him, do you?" Tegan chuckled.

"Not at all," Sara admitted quickly. She was not going to fake it and say something less honest. She, in fact, hated Jeremy for what he had done two years before. She thought that Tegan should not like him too, but Tegan did not only like and trust him, she also slept with him. It made her furious.

"You have very nice arms," Sara changed the subject.

Tegan had been told that by Sara.

"I mean, I really like these tattoos. Any meanings?" Sara sneaked her hand inside her blouse and scratched at her itchy left shoulder.

Tegan was beginning to feel cold again. The warmth of the water didn't seem so sufficient anymore. Her frail bones always ached when she felt cold. She was too thin to produce enough body heat; she always felt cold. "Thank you," Tegan said. "They do...but..." Tegan faltered. She didn't want to tell Sara about what these tattoos meant.

Honestly, she, herself, did not even know what they meant exactly. She just loved the idea that plants were able to rebirth themselves each season. They would wither and die and then they would come back and be alive. Tegan loved nature; its water; its earth; its fire; its air. She loved every part of nature. But she loved the underground mostly. She felt as if she belonged there; as if she was a goddess of the underworld; as if she was the princess of the hidden, buried, and lost. Everything strong came out from under there. Roots are placed inside the soil. They face lots of changes then they birth such a beautiful tree that also undergoes many alterations in order to birth a fruit or a flower. Tegan felt as if she was the root, the tree, and the flower. Hardships made her birth something else and that was creativity and success. Hardships made her who she was today: a catharsised human being free of all soiled emotions.

How was she to explain that to Sara? It made her feel stupid to express it. Sara was looking at her, waiting for an answer.

"I honestly don't know how to explain it. It's not that I don't want to say it, but I feel stupid saying it." She didn't want to lie and make up some lame story about it. Lying time was over.

"I hate how you think everything you think of or say sounds stupid. You never appreciate yourself. Have you even been reading the poems you've been writing in my class? They're a masterpiece, Tegan. I even cried reading one."

"Which one?" Tegan jumped, splashing more water, making Sara squeal and close her eyes. "Sorry."

Sara wiped more foam and water off her face. Tegan giggled. "Umm..." Sara's ears turned red. Tegan only saw that because her hair was tucked behind her ears. "The one that's clearly about me."

"Oh." Tegan knew which one. She meant to write this one in class. She wanted to voice her love and the depression she went through while Sara wasn't around. She desired to reveal it all and expose it.

"It made me cry in my office today. I didn't know you faced that much pain." Tegan felt cold again. "Do they have something to do with it?" Sara touched her left wet arm, rubbing on the ink.

"Mostly it's just about my connection with nature. Sometimes I feel as strong as a tree, sometimes I feel as tender as a flower, sometimes I feel as helpless as a root."

"You are a masterpiece, are you aware of that?" Sara said. She couldn't hold it in any longer. Tegan had always been a masterpiece; that's why she loved drawing her and writing poems about her.

Tegan blushed. Her body was full of goosebumps and her heart was full of love.

Sara reached for the shampoo from the shelf that was above Tegan's head. Tegan looked at the peach scented bottle and smiled. Everything Sara had in her house was peach scented; her candles in the small living room; her moisturizers (the three of them); her body wash; her shampoo; and her deodorant. It's as if Sara was obsessed with this fruit.

"You still love it?" Sara asked. Tegan looked at the water being emptied from the tub slowly, leaving a mountain of foam near the drain.

"Very much, yes. I eat it religiously." It seemed that Sara was aware of Tegan's chilliness. She grabbed the showerhead and adjusted the heat after turning on the faucet. Only when she was satisfied with the heat, she allowed the water to touch Tegan's skin. Tegan relaxed again, escaping a long, happy sigh. "You're gonna wash me?" Tegan laughed a bit.

"Yes," Sara said. "Hold this." She handed Tegan the showerhead and quickly removed her navy blouse. Tegan wiggled her eyebrows, watching Sara's chest clad in one of her old bras. Sara didn't even wait a whole day to try one on. She put on her favourite one this morning and it fit her perfectly. She didn't know her breasts had gotten that full until the cups squeezed them together, giving her a very beautiful view in the mirror this morning. Now that Tegan was around, she thought about wearing sexier underwear. She always loved to tempt Tegan with that.

"Very nice," Tegan said. Her hand tried to reach one breast to squeeze but then she quickly retreated, remembering how sensitive Sara was. "I think you should take your pants off too. You don't want them to get wet."

"Alright." Sara stood up and began to unbutton her dark pants. The thighs were already wet because of Tegan's crazy hand gestures. Sara was wearing cute light blue panties. When Tegan stared at them, Sara thought she was looking at the lines of stitches and the very faint ones of stretch marks near them. Sara felt self-conscious. Tegan was not aware of it.

Sara sat on the ledge again, quickly taking the showerhead and running the water all over Tegan's seated body. Tegan kept looking at Sara's concerned face. Sara was thinking about other things that Tegan couldn't guess.

Sara poured a generous amount of body wash on Tegan's bright orange loofah. Tegan couldn't help but feel intensely awkward when Sara ordered her to stand on her knees so she could clean her body. That was perhaps the most intense thing she and Sara had ever done, even more than sex.

"How bad was it?" Sara asked all of a sudden. She was running the loofah all over her chest and her stomach. "I mean, how hurt did I make you feel?" _So that's what she's thinking about._

"It's not your fault," Tegan whispered. Sara's hand was a bit rough. She was scrubbing everywhere; cleaning and going up and down. Tegan felt dirty. Sara was trying to get the dirt off her body. "It was just a very hard time because I loved you so much and I didn't know if you were alive or not."

"I promised I wouldn't interfere and be in your life with that state." And then Sara broke down. Tegan didn't know Sara was going to cry. Sara just broke down out of the blue.

Her sobs were loud.

Tegan wanted to hug her but Sara didn't give her the chance. Sara was cleaning her from behind. Nothing felt more intense than the situation they were in.

"I felt very numb," Tegan started. Sara told her about everything. She read every detail about Sara's sickness from the notebook. It only was fair for her to share what she had been through. "It's like I had no feelings, no emotions, no nothing. I just stayed in bed all day long. I did nothing. I couldn't even do anything because I didn't have enough energy. My mind went on and on and on thinking about everything that happened between us. I was just trying to forget but the more I tried the harder it was. I thought and thought and kept thinking. You know, my feet would shake back and forth when I lay in bed and my head would hurt so bad." It did not matter how Sara touched her and where did she touch her now; she was distracted, trying to remember the feeling. "I can't describe it. How can I describe something so emotionally destructive? How can you describe pain and depression? I just felt it. Sometimes I fell asleep so quickly and woke up twelve hours after. Sometimes I couldn't sleep for three days. I cried and cried and cried and all of a sudden I was laughing. I became incapable of performing the most ordinary things ever. I wasn't able to control my emotions or actions. Everything was all over the place. I was trying to drive and I ended up crashing my car by running it through a wall. I couldn't even drive because I felt like a little ant and everyone was there trying to step above me. My breathing would almost stop at times from the anxiety. Some mornings I spent them puking my guts out and some other mornings I had a terrible stomach ache that I couldn't put anything in my mouth. Sometimes I couldn't chew from the migraine. My right side would hurt so bad that if I opened my mouth I'd scream." She chuckled.

Sara was now washing her hair with that shampoo. She got distracted and forgot to do it before she washed her body. She rubbed her head in circles and Tegan felt her hair getting all tangled instead of being smoothed out. Sara's tears still ran, but she didn't make a sound. "I guess I just wanted to die. I wanted it so much but couldn't do it. And I couldn't love anybody else. I couldn't waste time to stop thinking. I couldn't do anything. I just ran around having sex, thinking I'd be happy like that. I didn't know what to do anymore." But it had gotten a bit better after she settled with Jeremy. She didn't want to tell Sara that, however. Jeremy made her forget about the time, nothing more. Her feelings were still there and were still alive. She still cried, ached, and wished to die. But when Jeremy was around, she managed to live."

Sara was smoothing her hair, rubbing the conditioner on her locks now. "I thought you'd forget me and find someone who treated you better. I thought about it all the time. I didn't know you were feeling that way at all," Sara said.

"I know that now." Tegan sighed. She was very cold again because the water wasn't as hot. She was shivering. "It's in the past. Don't stress over it."

Sara nodded. She grabbed Tegan's brush and brushed her hair after rinsing off the conditioner and soap. "I'm happy you're here. I feel like miracles keep happening to me and I take them for granted. I don't want to take you for granted." Sara considered her as a miracle. Nobody would ever do that. She spent twenty years hating herself and feeling as if she was a burden and there was Sara thinking she's a miracle and a masterpiece. There was Sara loving her and stressing over her.

Sara wrapped the towel around her body and dried her hair with another one. "I hope your stomach feels better today."

"Much better," Tegan said. Her head was being swayed back and forth and she wanted to whine but she didn't. She let Sara do what she wanted to do. She remembered herself when she was very young and her mother still showered her and then dried her hair. She was reliving the same thing but with Sara doing it. She smiled to herself. "I'm not even that dizzy anymore. I was while I was walking but now I'm much better."

"You had something to eat today?" Tegan shook her head. Sara gave her _that_ look.

"I didn't have time," Tegan said. She began brushing her teeth.

"I didn't get you any clothes. Umm..."

"It's okay. I'll get dressed in your room. That's okay?"

"Sure, yes." Sara walked out before her. She reached for a tissue and blew her nose. She cried once again. She had been crying a lot lately; just like when she was younger. She didn't mind it anymore; she didn't want to hide it anymore. That was who she was: an emotional being.

Tegan came inside shivering and shaking. Sara looked up and grinned. "Come here, come here." Tegan ran to Sara's opened arms and closed her eyes as soon as her head touched Sara's chest. Sara smothered the small woman in her arms with gentle kisses on every exposed inch of the corner of her face. She gave her warmth by rubbing both hands up and down her back. "You shouldn't have left without a towel." Sara kissed the sweet-looking pouty lips when the owner looked into her eyes.

Tegan didn't know what was more embarrassing; the fact that Sara washing her body aroused her in the bathroom, or the fact that these tiny kisses made her wetness trail down her thighs. Her eyes slowly widened when she felt the ache increase between her legs. She inched farther from Sara when her phone beeped. She opened a drawer after another in Sara's dresser, trying to figure out where Sara had placed her undergarments. She saw her professor organizing and arranging her clothes in the early morning when she woke up.

"Third drawer," Sara said. Tegan quickly fished out black boxer briefs and a black sports bra. She put them on while not facing Sara. When she turned around, Sara was smiling at her phone. Tegan went to the closet and searched for a warm, comfortable hoodie to wear. "Your side is the left." Tegan looked back and Sara was now smiling at her.

"Stacy texted," Sara said. She looked at her phone and read, "Don't cook, I'm ordering Indian. My treat."

 _Why?_ Tegan hummed, not wanting to sound rude.

"Uh, she's asking if we want to be here or at her place," Sara said again.

"Here," Tegan said without even pondering.

"Alright." Sara texted some more. "Okay, I gotta pick Ella up now."

"Why are you doing all that?" then Tegan asked. Her hair was still damp. She raised the hoodie cap over her head.

"Doing what?"

"Taking care of Stacy's child as if it's your responsibility to do so." Sara sat on her mattress and frowned. "Like, why can't Stacy just take her home and shower her and feed her after she returns?"

"Stacy's my best friend."

"Well, Jeremy's my best friend, you don't see him spending all his time here." She only realized how bitchy she sounded and how loud her voice was when Sara's sad pout increased. The corners of her lips pointed downwards. "I'm sorry. I'm just wondering," she whispered.

"Stacy didn't call your mum and ruin what we had," Sara mouthed. Tegan didn't argue. "Stacy's going through a lot. The least I can do is take care of her daughter."

She wished she hadn't raised her voice that much. It was not a good time to discuss that. They agreed calm conversation would solve it all. And there she was angry and jealous and stupid.

"I want to come with you. I don't want to stay here alone." Sara looked up at her student, knowing that the younger woman decided to change the subject. She didn't want to let it go without a proper explanation but she was in hurry.

"I want you to come with me," Sara said. She liked it too much when Tegan was clingy to her. It made her feel loved and important. "I'll just use the bathroom and get dressed."

Her head was spinning when she sat on the toilet. The night before, she and Stacy argued and Stacy ended it by excusing herself out. Now Stacy was sweet through these text messages, hoping her friend had a good day and offering to bring food. Tegan was right; Stacy couldn't just spend all the time with them. And Sara knew that Tegan wasn't a fan of Stacy. There were many reasons to that: Stacy's attitude two years before, Stacy's love for her, Stacy's motormouth, Stacy's silly threats. When Stacy admitted what she had told Tegan two years before, Sara did not scold her nor shout because she was too sick to care. _She's just overprotective_ , Sara kept telling herself. _She wants me to be happy and to live the life I always wished for._

When Sara left the bathroom fully dressed in her morning clothes, Tegan was in the kitchen crunching an ice cube in her mouth. "You're gonna hurt your teeth," Sara rebuked.

"I couldn't resist," Tegan said while crunching. She squeezed her eyes shut to bear the cold ice freezing her insides. "I had to. I was craving it."

"I really need to look this up. Who the fuck craves ice? My mum used to eat flowers." Sara was making a sandwich for Tegan.

"Ice is much better."

"Okay. Leave the ice and eat this." Sara handed the sandwich to Tegan. "And I thought you were cold."

"I am." Tegan opened the bread to see what's there.

"Leftover beef stroganoff, yes. You need meat inside that bony body of yours."

"You like them meaty?" A smile appeared on Sara's face hearing that comment.

 _I like them you_ , she wanted to say but felt too shy for some reason unknown.

They left the apartment and drove in Sara's car with the radio on. Tegan heard music she was not familiar with. Sara was humming along. She was driving carefully because the snow began to fall again and roads were drenched and frozen. Tegan wore her very large parka to keep herself warm. Sara's car was well-heated but Tegan simply hated winter. She wished it could end but Canada's winter never did.

A thought popped up inside Tegan's head: would she go back to her hometown in the summer again like she did two years ago? Would the same scenario be repeated? Sara wanted to marry her but she didn't really trust Sara's optimistic thoughts until they came true because who knew what could happen till then?

Sara left Tegan alone in the car to go get Ella out. The student messed around in Sara's new car. She was like a kid who couldn't be left alone one second without touching everything. She wrote her initial letter and a plus sign and Sara's initial letter on the window. Then she drew an equal sign and drew a deformed heart. She laughed at her childish gesture. She wondered what was taking Sara so long. She messed with the radio, changing channels until she settled on one that was playing Taylor Swift. She hummed along and chewed on a gum she also found in the car.

She saw Sara walking towards her with little Ella wrapping her arms and legs tightly around Sara's body as the older woman carried her. She felt a tint of warmth inside her tummy when Sara kissed the child's forehead, convincing her to sit in the backseat.

Ella cried and refused to sit there. Her eyes were red and swollen. "Let her sit on my lap," Tegan offered.

"Baby, come on," Sara said. "Let's sit there. We're gonna be home and we're gonna sleep soon." Ella started kicking and screeching.

"What's wrong with her?" Tegan asked.

"Some stupid kid took her toy or broke it, I didn't get it." Sara sighed. She gave up. She stood outside of the car with Ella shaking and crying inside.

"Ella," Tegan said, "wanna sit here with me?" She patted her lap and Ella opened her eyes to look at Tegan's lap. "Come here."

Ella was sniffling when she agreed to sit on Tegan's lap. She didn't want to look at the road ahead so she slept the way she had slept on her mother's lap the night before; with her arms wrapped around Tegan's torso and her legs on each side and her face nuzzled against Tegan's chest.

"I've never seen a kid this moody." Sara sighed again as she began to drive. "Her mum isn't like that. Nor her dad, I guess."

Ella inserted her left thumb in her mouth and closed her eyes. Tegan gasped and giggled.

"Reminds you of someone?" Sara smiled, winking at her girlfriend.

"Yeah." Tegan brushed the child's hair. "But I stopped that. You noticed, right?" She was very proud and happy about that achievement that happened only a year before.

"I did," Sara said. "How?"

"It started with Jeremy snapchatting me and putting it a story. My life was over, basically. I had to do something about it."

"What's that?" I keep hearing a lot about it."

"Snapchat?" Sara nodded. "Oh, it's a fun app. I can't believe you don't know it. I'll download it for you and show you how to use it so we can snapchat each other." Sara was still very terrible with technology, and especially smartphones. When she switched to an iPhone, she called everybody she knew by mistake until Stacy showed her how to use it.

Ella insisted both Tegan and Sara sleep next to her on Sara's mattress when they got home. Tegan didn't even reject; she wanted to hide in bed. She called herself _The Queen of the Mattress_ secretly because it was her infinite love. Tegan loved sleeping more than she loved doing anything, especially these past years.

Ella hugged Tegan's torso from the side and Tegan hugged her in return. "That's not fair," Sara said. "She's already stealing you away from me." Tegan kissed Ella's forehead and stuck her tongue out at Sara, who was next to Ella from the other side. Ella was in the middle between the two women.

Sara was amazed and happy to see Tegan so good with Ella. Tegan didn't hate Ella; only her mother. And it wasn't hate, just some deep dislike for the woman. Tegan was gentle and even more patient than her with Ella. Sara imagined their own kid between them, calling her mummy and calling Tegan mum...or vice versa. It didn't matter to her as long as it was a healthy kid and he or she were their own. She felt too excited that she smiled to herself, showing crooked teeth to invisible air. Tegan watched her beautiful laugh lines and smiled too.

"Tegum," Ella whispered all of a sudden. Tegan and Sara were smiling at each other in silence. Their universe was calm and quiet. Everything was the way it should be and everything felt serene and sane. Everything was alright.

"Yes, El?" Tegan said.

"I'm sorry." Ella had a very thick lisp that she only noticed now. Sara had a lisp too, but she was able to control it most of the times. She herself had a very faint lisp that would be noticeable when she's crying or drunk.

"For what?"

Sara was concerned; there was a pucker between her eyebrows.

"I...I...lo...lost your teddy elephant," Ella stuttered. She wasn't a very good speaker. She was nothing like her mother.

"Oh?" Tegan didn't get what she meant.

"Yes." The child lowered her head. "A boy took it when I was playing with it and with Mrs. Giraffe. He put it in the mud and stepped on it and then threw it far away." Ella started crying.

"Oh, Ella," Sara said, hugging the kid from behind. "That's what happened? I'm sorry, baby. I'll go yell at him tomorrow. You just tell me who he is and I'll make him cry." Then Tegan remembered the stuffed elephant she had gotten for Ella on her birthday. It was a very cute elephant in overalls and a hat. She loved elephants when she was young. She used to call the animal _peelo_ because she couldn't pronounce the name. When she saw the stuffed animal there in the store, she smiled and thought she'd get it for Ella.

Sara seemed worried and anxious. Her face was frozen with thoughts and her hands rubbed Ella's back. Tegan didn't know what to say.

"It's...it's okay, El," Tegan finally pronounced. "I'll get you another one." She looked up at Sara and the professor nodded for her to continue. Ella calmed down as soon as she heard the student's voice. "That boy is mean and he's gonna get hurt because he's mean, alright? Nobody will love him and his parents will be disappointed in him. I'll get you another teddy elephant so you can play with it and with Mrs. Giraffe. Sounds good?"

"Yes," Ella whispered. She nuzzled her nose into Tegan's chest and closed her eyes. Soon she fell asleep, leaving both women there on the mattress next to her.

"Tegan?" Sara whispered.

Tegan hummed and looked at her.

"Come here," she whispered again. "Please."

Sara was patting her own lap while lying on the mattress. Tegan sat up and looked at Sara's lap. A smile appeared on her face, making her sleepy eyes look more beautiful than ever to Sara. She gently departed from Ella's embrace and crawled to the other side of the mattress. She giggled as soon as Sara caught her small frame, replacing her on top.

"Shhh," Sara said with a warm smile. "You don't wanna wake her up." Sara wanted some time alone to love Tegan properly.

"What do you have in mind, professor Clement?" Tegan's lips traveled to the side as a smirk crept its way onto her face.

"I don't go there, Ms. Rain." Sara's voice was sensual and low. "Not with Stacy's kid at least. Mine? Maybe. But Stacy would kill me if we had sex while her daughter is asleep next to us."

"She's so damn protective. She glared at me for saying damn in front of Ella." They were whispering, both curled up on the mattress with Tegan on top. Their heat was making them sparkle with pure love and honest need.

"Yeah. I think that too." Sara paused. She brushed her student's hair off her face. Sara's eyes were a wonderland of everything that's pretty. "We won't be like that with our kid. We'll be really cool mums."

Tegan smiled weakly. She let it go; let Sara daydream loudly and did not interrupt nor argue. She always let it go when it came to Sara. It bothered her.

"I love you so fucking much." Sara breathed on her student's face. Her hands rubbed the back of the younger woman and stopped at her bum. "God, I love you so much," she repeated. She palmed both cheeks and squeezed.

A very faint moan escaped Tegan's lips. Sara was either aware or not aware that Tegan hadn't stopped getting wet since she moved in. It was an epidemic, she liked to believe. She was wet and turned on all the time and now even more. She just wanted to be touched.

"You make me feel stupid things, do stupid things, think of stupid things. You make me daydream and wish and want and need and smile and be so happy and plan and act like a silly little teen, you know." The student's tongue toyed with the piercing underneath her lower lip. She blushed and ached for the mercy of release.

"Do you wanna feel how much I love you?" Tegan asked with a raspy voice and a deep octave.

Sara's head moved up and down. There was no smile on her face, just a look of amazement and wonder. Sara's heart was beating quicker than ever and her toes were numb and her fingertips were all tingly and her stomach was knotted. Something was happening inside her body she was not able to concentrate on.

Tegan's hand took a hold of her lover's warm one. She guided it slowly inside her jeans and underwear. Sara didn't gasp but gulped as the thick wetness met her fingers. Her irises changed in colour; they became darker and full of hidden lust. Only Tegan was able to read the different states of the changing colours of her eyes.

"Your fluids are so thick," Sara commented with deepness darkening her sweet voice. "They're so silky too and so lovely to feel against your pussy."

It's as if they had forgotten where they were until the sleeping child mumbled something in her slumber. Bloody redness smudged their faces when they looked at their side.

"Living room?" Tegan asked.

"Living room," Sara agreed.

In the living room, the sofa surrendered to the suffocation caused by their bodies when they both stood on their bony knees touching and grabbing each other everywhere. Sara's two digits touched Tegan's cheek when she kissed her. Tegan took the two fingers inside her mouth, sucking at that thick wetness that Sara loved. Then they made out and moaned together while their hands played hide and seek inside their clothes and all over their bodies. Tegan was afraid to touch Sara where Sara was scared to be touched. When Tegan inspected, she felt heat but no wetness. She also felt hesitation and nerves so she pulled away and resumed the kisses so her lover wouldn't feel bad about herself. Sara unzipped Tegan's hoodie and palmed both breasts.

"Can't you feel it," Tegan whispered.

"Your nipples?" Sara squinted her eyes. "They're very hard. Want me to suck them?" Tegan's clit jumped. _There's something else I want you to suck_.

"No, silly," Tegan said instead. "My heart. Can't you feel how it beats when I'm with you? That never happened with anybody else no matter how in lust I was."

Sara attacked her with a passionate kiss. She squeezed one breast, making her moan louder than the times before, muffling the voice of the woman standing at the door with a flushed face and a sweaty brow.

Tegan opened her mouth to speak when she pulled away but she screamed instead. Her face intensified with heat and redness. Sara looked behind and found Stacy standing there with silent eyes staring at them.

"I'm...sorry," she said coldly. Her voice was tight and her looks were scary. "Where's Ella?" she said in a rushed speed this time.

Tegan cursed under her breath. She just wanted to be alone with her lover, yet, to her luck, Stacy happened to live here now. It's as if nothing was bound to make them just be by themselves. She either had to take it with its good and bad or throw it all.

"Asleep in the room," Sara said. Something in her was relieved when she saw Stacy. She didn't want to touch Tegan at this moment. She felt different; she felt an ache in her parts. Her heart wasn't ready for exposure. She knew Tegan was going to try to touch her and she didn't want that. She wanted a very slow process that took time and effort. She felt as if she hadn't been touched before and Tegan was about to take her virginity. She thanked Stacy in her head, hoping her friend would listen.

Stacy rushed quickly to the room. Tegan didn't get the woman's actions. She zipped her hoodie and sighed exasperatedly. Sara was aware of her disappointment and her anger.

The clouds outside had thickened and the snow increased and the living room was gloomy. Sara shut off the blinds and switched on the lamp. Loud sobs were coming closer by the second. Sara looked at her lover as the ticking of the clock was slowly disappearing the more the cries increased.

Stacy came in with her crying daughter in her arms. The friend was shushing the child who wouldn't stop crying. "Look!," Stacy said in a gentle tone. "Here they are." She pointed at Tegan (who was sitting next to her) and then pointed at Sara (who was standing in front of her.) "They didn't leave you and go. You're not alone. They just left you asleep in the living room so they wouldn't wake you up."

"What happened?" Sara asked.

"She thought you were gone and she was left alone," Stacy said. "Here's Sasa. Here's Teetee."

Finally the child stopped crying. Tegan hated being called Teetee by Stacy.

"You're a big girl, yeah? Big girls don't cry."

Sara scanned her friend the entire time they were sitting at the table. Stacy said nothing for the first time ever. Only she and her student were having a very random chat. Tegan tried to say a few words to Ella, who was a bit angry at her for being left alone. Stacy's knuckles were white, clutching her spoon and locking in her breath. Sara saw it all. She blinked, bit her bottom lip, and squeezed her eyes shut. Then she pressed harder on the metal. She didn't eat much.

"What's wrong?" Sara finally asked in the kitchen when they were alone.

Stacy shook her head. She chugged down all the water in her cup and stood at the sink to wash it. "Nothing," she mumbled.

"I'm your best friend. If you're not gonna tell me, who are you gonna tell?"

Her tears started falling and she hoped her friend wouldn't see them. She hoped she'd just be alone. Her heart broke multiple times this day and the last one was just the cherry on top. How did she fool herself into thinking she'd be happy for her friend! And how selfish she was for crying about something like that! Love was a game only certain people were good at and she was not. She promised herself she'd forget that rotten word and would only take care of her daughter till she died. The only love she harboured was supposed to be radiated towards her daughter only. Yet this morning everything felt wrong. She felt as if all her efforts were gone to waste.

"You don't wanna talk, fine. But stop being hard on yourself for a little bit."

She hated how her friend knew her. She always played the tough girl role, saving the shorter woman from any malicious thing. She always put on her hard face and used her sharp tongue. She always got what she wanted with her words. And then today, just at that moment when she walked in and saw her friend there being kissed and touched in such a delicious way, she felt as if she had lost all her powers. Sara won and she was reading her and seeing her and exposing her. _Who cares anymore! Who cares anyway!_ She was only alive for her daughter. _I might as well die when Ella grows up and leaves me._ Nobody cared. Nobody at all.

Tegan spoke to her mother on the telephone. She hadn't called her for two days. She had a mother who loved her so much; Sara was right. Her mother did not care who she was with, she only cared about her safety. Nevertheless, she was still upset with what her mother did two years before. So she straight away told her mother that she was with Sara with no regrets nor any fright.

"Isn't that the deal you made?" Tegan said. Ella was sitting next to her, staring up at her in wonder. "That if she came back healthy we can be together?"

"Uh...yes." They had talked about this topic the previous week. They mostly yelled at each other.

"Alright. She's healthier than ever. Beautiful, right here, sitting right here in front of me." She smiled at Sara when she placed the three glasses of wine on the table. Sara's smile appeared like magic: all of a sudden and quickly. Ella looked at both of them. Her blue wide eyes sparkled with fascination and awe. She smiled too, showing her missing teeth.

"I'm happy for her," Sonia said. "I really am."

"Thank you."

Stacy came in with her bloodshot eyes. She sat on the sofa that Tegan was sitting on. She took a hold of her daughter and Tegan watched her from the corner of her eyes. Stacy began showering her kid with kisses on her cheeks and forehead.

"What about...um...did she...uh?" Sonia asked.

"Do what she said she'd do?" Sara lifted up her head. She wasn't able to hear the conversation but this particular sentence alarmed her. She placed a glass in front of Stacy, whose attention was fully concentrated on her daughter.

"Yes," Tegan said. Their eyes met.

"I love you," Stacy whispered. "I love you so much." Her daughter giggled.

"Yes," Tegan said again. Sara sat on a chair, her stomach's in knots and her mouth's dry.

"I love you too." Ella kissed her mother's cheek.

"Yes," Tegan said for the third time.

Sara wet her tongue with the taste of wine that she loved so much. She blinked; there was Tegan nodding and saying goodbye to her mother. She blinked again; there was Stacy rocking her daughter to sleep.

The sound of the clock ticked from behind her head as she waited. Thunder erupted in the room all of a sudden but she seemed to be the only one who noticed. Tegan was still talking and Sara wasn't able to tell what she was talking about. Stacy's face was silent and her eyes were teary.

Actually, Stacy was crying and she only noticed when she looked at her again. Ella had fallen asleep.

When Tegan ended the call with her mother, she found Stacy crying. She felt awkward and embarrassed to be sitting there next to her. Sara was asking her what's wrong. Tegan looked at Sara and then at Stacy. Her mum did not say anything about the marriage proposal. _Did she ask you to marry her? Yes. Did you_ _say yes? Yes._ She didn't say yes but she felt that she should say it to her mother just to see the reaction. Her mother changed the subject. She finally understood that she had no saying in her life. Why didn't it feel so great?

"I'm sorry," Stacy said. "I couldn't control it." Tegan didn't want to look at the woman. That was wrong. It was just wrong. "I got a call from her principal today and she thinks Ella's not normal." Then the woman broke down.

"Not normal?" Sara said loudly. "That's bullshit, Stacy. The kid is a bit quiet and likes to be alone. She's more normal than all of us. Ask Tegan." Tegan didn't want to be put in this position.

"That's what I said. They insist there's something wrong."

"She's getting bullied. You want her to laugh about it and just chill? I used to cry and be alone when I got bullied. She just moved in. Those fuckers need to shut up. They can't force a kid to interact with a bunch of mean kids and claim the kid has issues if she didn't want to."

"But what if she's not healthy or...normal?"

"It's your kid, Stacy. You're gonna love her the way she is. You can't force her to be someone she's not in order to fit in. Look where that had gotten me."

"No, no. Of course not." Stacy wiped a couple of tears. "I just don't want her to be bullied. I want her to be happy. I don't want them to think she's a freak."

"But, I mean...uh..." Tegan hesitated. "She's pretty fine whenever I talk to her. She was just telling me about her old kindergarten and I think maybe the sudden change is shocking her. She probably just hates this new one and isn't used to these kids so she's so isolated. I'm kinda like that. I don't get used to a new place easily."

"You think so?" Stacy was talking to her. The interaction made her uncomfortable, but...but she was part of this circle now, she supposed. She just had to put up with that woman.

"Yeah," Sara answered instead. "I'm actually pretty sure. Those fuckers can suck my penis. I'll go fucking give that old bitch a piece of my mind." With every curse, Tegan saw Stacy's nose wrinkle. It was funny.

It's amazing how her friend still spoke the same way she used to speak when they were just sixteen. Some things never changed and they made Stacy smile.

"Yeah. Look at that smile," Sara winked.

"I'm sorry. I guess worrying about her made me cry." Stacy never cried, even Sara knew that.

When Stacy finally left, Tegan stood at the bathroom's door, watching her lover removing the makeup she had on. She still did not get why Sara was applying concealer or foundation or even eyeliner. Sara was perfect; she didn't need that.

"Why would Stacy even cry so much about something that's so stupid? Obviously there's nothing wrong with Ella," Tegan said.

"I don't know." Sara wiped the make up with a cotton that had an eye makeup-removing gel on it. "I guess she's a mother, you know. I mean, we can't really feel the way she's feeling because we're not mothers."

"No," Tegan walked back and forth just outside the bathroom. "She's crying because she saw us kissing not because of Ella. It's obvious."

Sara looked at the younger woman with a raised brow. "Why do you think that?"

"Because she's so in love with you and she's jealous?" Sara chuckled and shook her head. She started washing her face. "What?" Tegan huffed. "Look, I'm not a fan of Stacy. I don't like her. I don't want her barging in at any minute without a warning. You giving her a key when you were living here alone is something else from you giving her a key when I'm living here with you. I'm sorry, but if you want me to be here and be with you we're gonna have to follow my rules too, not just yours."

Sara looked at her own face in the mirror as her eyes widened. "We're gonna go house hunting next week by the way. We're not gonna live here. This is too small. I want a good house for us. Nice and big. With a garden and rooms."

"Don't change the subject," Tegan said. She was standing still inside the bathroom now. "I'm not a kid. I'm not stupid. Stacy doesn't like me and I don't like her. I want to live comfortably. I could have been naked when she walked in."

"She wasn't supposed to come back this early." Sara felt so weak all of a sudden. Her heart raced and drummed. She was standing in front of someone else. And why the fuck she liked feeling this weak around her? She never thought she would.

"Don't change the subject," Tegan said again with gritted teeth. "I'm not gonna pretend I like someone who did not only threaten to scratch my face if I didn't form a family with you when I was just fucking nineteen, but she did not even allow me to say a final goodbye. Oh, and she's in love with you and she's your first. I'm a jealous person too."

Sara laughed. She laughed too loudly. Too fucking loudly.

Why? Why couldn't she ever win? One minute she felt she was reaching somewhere, making Sara fear her and the next Sara was laughing at her. It was always going to be this why. She was always going to let it be this way.

"I know about that. She told me. It was a lie by the way. She did nothing to Katina and did nothing to Jack. Katina would shave off her hair before she can even speak one word to her. And Jack? He would make her cry with his words. Stacy is just all talk. She can't even argue with you. You'd drag her down, basically. You'd make her wish she hadn't opened her mouth. If you actually know Stacy you'd just feel bad for her," Sara explained while putting an anti-wrinkles cream all over her brow

"I don't care about her to feel bad for her." Tegan's hands were on her hips.

Sara sighed. "Yes, Stacy loves me. Stacy can be mean and annoying. She talks a lot and says things that don't make sense. But she's a good person and I'm not gonna change this opinion. If I leave Stacy alone, she will hurt herself, at least for now. She's dealing with a lot right now. I'm afraid she's becoming a nun soon. I think dating or love isn't in her book anymore. She's frightened of all that. She only cares about Ella right now. She had to move here because she was married to a fucked up, controlling freak, abusive douchebag that we all knew about but she liked to deny it until she couldn't live with him anymore. All she does if she's alone is cry and knit. She likes to make you think she's the toughest but she's not. I swear till last year I thought nobody was able to defeat Stacy. It was just an act."

"And how is it my fault that she has a shitty life and a bad marriage? I have to be nice to her because she has some sob story?"

"You're still so selfish," Sara yelled. She didn't want to, but she did. She slammed the blue cream bottle against the counter and glowered. "Did you forget you cheated? Did you forget Jeremy calling your mother? Did you forget your mother making a fucking bargain over you and me? Did you forget Emy? Did you forget you sleeping with Jeremy for a year? Or the fact he's still your best friend and I don't even mention it? You think I don't get jealous? I hate that man. I hate him so much but I'm willing to sacrifice for your own happiness, dear." The last word was loud and felt sarcastic.

"I did not forget any of that. Don't twist my words."

They were both yelling. Their eyes were two dark flames staring at one another.

"I know I was shitty and I know I hurt you and I know Jeremy did this. But he did it because he fucking loved me and cared about me and didn't want me to get hurt."

"Good," Sara said calmly. "Now imagine it's Stacy and me. Except we haven't slept together the past year and she did not even do anything to break us up. She didn't let you enter because she didn't want you to hurt me. Same motives. Same exact motives except my friend didn't stand in our way like your friend did."

Tegan didn't know what to say anymore. She stayed quiet for some seconds.

"My friend standing in our way isn't important now that I am here at your place," Tegan whispered when Sara looked at the mirror again.

Sara was brushing her teeth now.

"At the end it all worked out well. I mean, my mum was just asking me if you proposed like you two agreed and if I said yes or no."

Sara paused the motion of the toothbrush. She turned around and removed the toothbrush from her mouth. "And what did you say?" Sara asked, with toothpaste covering her teeth and lips.

"Unfortunately, yes," Tegan said, rolling her eyes.


	9. Different Parts of Me

Sara remained in the bathroom after her lover had stormed out of there. The words kept repeating themselves in her head as she took her clothes off and moisturized her dry, hot skin. She looked at herself in the mirror again. The redness was slowly growing on her chest; it started from her collarbones and descended to the two mounds, stopping just a bit above her areola. She felt the heat against her upper back as well. She sighed frustratedly while her mind hurried, processing everything that's underneath.

She couldn't put much clothes on; the heat was pouring from inside her skin, radiating to the outside climate and embracing her small frame. Angrily, she grabbed an elastic hair-band that was on the shelf below the mirror. Tegan's dark hairs were still tangled up in there. She removed the three hairs from the white hair-band and messily locked her hair inside it. She felt her soft hairs being pulled way too much, hurting her scalp and soon her entire head. However, Sara did not care.

She walked out to her room without any clothes on. She felt dirty even though she showered in the morning. She hated these hot flashes; they always made her feel dirty. Tegan's bony frame was on the mattress, lying there, facing the window and not Sara's side of the mattress.

The dresser was just there, below the window. When Sara stood there to fetch an underwear, she felt the heat spreading more; covering her entire skin. As she finally settled on a very thin, silky underwear good for her sensitive skin, she turned around only to notice that Tegan had shifted to the other side. Sara sighed once again as she walked to the closet. She knew she had a tank top hiding right there, she just couldn't tell where she exactly had put it. The closet was suffocated with Tegan's heavy clothes. How much clothes could one small girl own? They were going to need a large place with a large closet and large everything. And Tegan's shoes were another issue. Sara could swear she had only seen her in two different pairs, so why the hell she had more than fourteen pairs lying around? Most of them were clearly very new; never even worn once. Why did Tegan have too much of everything?

Sara found the old white tank top that she kept for these occasions. She usually slept naked when she was hit with these hot flashes, and mostly, they happened during the day, not the night. But with Tegan around, she didn't want to do that. Something felt strange and not quite normal in doing that. Were they ever going to get used to each other and act as freely around each other like they once did? Tegan seemed way more relaxed than her. She had her own reasons; she was self-conscious, scared, afraid, too anxious, too much in love.

And then it hit her all of a sudden in the middle of her thoughts _—_ Tegan's very rich. She was too in love with a girl who was insanely rich, not just rich. It never showed on her outer appearance but it did show on her mother. It did show now that she paid attention to how many things Tegan had but never used.

Sara wasn't rich. She could barely afford a decent house. She was also saving for a child. She had to. She made up her mind and the decision was set; even if Tegan didn't want to carry, Sara would adopt one. She needed one. Her instinct was flowing, it was all over the place. Fulfilling it with Ella was not the same. She wanted her own child. She wanted to spoil them and love them and buy things for them. And the money she provided could barely provide that.

Sara got into her bed after switching the lights off. As soon as her head hit her pillow, Tegan turned around, facing the other side again. Sara laughed softly. Her hand reached Tegan's arm but they were quickly shaken off by Tegan's body.

"Tegan," Sara whispered. "You're mad at me?" That was a stupid question, she thought. She tried again, "I'm ready to do anything you want, I just want you to understand my point. I..."

"I'm very tired. Like, very, very tired. Can we talk in the morning?" Her lover's voice was deep, very deep.

Sara's body embraced Tegan's from behind. "Are you okay? Do you want me to take you to the hospital right now?" Sara said quickly. Her voice was suddenly too loud.

Tegan shifted her body away from her professor's. "No," she said dryly. "I have a bad headache. Just let me sleep."

"No," Sara said the same thing. "I can't. I have to make you feel better." Sara pushed the duvet off their bodies. Sweat had begun collecting in her armpits. Tegan shivered. She took the duvet back, covering herself. "You're cold?"

"Yes," Tegan said.

"Look at me," Sara pleaded. "Turn around."

When Tegan did not respond, Sara hugged her body from behind again. But Tegan shifted away for the second time. Sara kicked the duvet off their bodies angrily and sat up. Tegan did not bother looking at what was going on. Sara almost growled like a little wolf. _Almost_. She switched sides quickly; her face crashed on Tegan's pillow and her smile widened when she met Tegan's eyes. She was glad that the lamp on Tegan's bedside table was on. Before Tegan could even think of shifting, Sara's legs imprisoned her. Tegan gasped when the older woman locked her way out with both legs and arms.

Sara giggled. "There's no way out from me." Her legs wrapped around Tegan's while her crotch came in contact with the student's upper thighs. Her head fell on Tegan's chest. Even though her body seemed as if it was on fire, her soul was cool enough; relaxed and calm with its own satisfaction. "I'm gonna keep you warm." Sara gathered the duvet and covered both of them in it.

"You're crazy," Tegan whispered.

"If I wasn't, you wouldn't be in my bed," Sara said.

"I'm still not talking to you." Sara sighed. "I have the worst headache of the decade," Tegan contradicted her words. "If I don't sleep now I'll cry till morning."

"I'm worried," Sara said in a calm tone.

"When I get cold and angry I get a migraine," Tegan said. "But your body is very hot so I'm not that cold anymore."

Sara kissed her jaw because it's the closest thing she could reach without losing the comfort of the position she was in. Tegan didn't say anything anymore. After very few minutes, Sara began to hear the soft breaths of her sleeping lover.

She held her closely and squeezed. She kept listening to her soft breaths and her heartbeat. If a second passed without her hearing the steady breaths, she would open up her eyes, looking and searching for anything that could have gotten wrong in that second. And then her lover's breaths would make a gentle noise again and Sara's chest would relax again.

She finally buried her face in Tegan's chest and sniffed the soft scent of peaches that her lover still radiated. Her hands rubbed the clothed back and her eyes closed hearing the steady rhythm of a heart beating.

Her eyes opened all of a sudden. They were wide and they stung. She felt the sticky perspiration on her forehead, on her neck, on her chest, on her back, under her arms, and on her palms. She was alone on the mattress. She looked around her and beside her but Tegan was not there. She had never felt like a child lost in a store because her mother forgot her and left more than this moment. Her heart quickened and her sweat ran across her skin. Her lips were parted and her eyes were dilated. She searched within her mind and within her sight and came to the conclusion that it was all a dream.

It was a dream.

She was alone; she slept alone, she ate alone, she lived alone. Oh, and she was sick. She could feel the liquid between her legs. She could almost smell its strong scent. She could almost see how dark it was, how sticky, and how thick.

She could almost feel the physical pain breaking her small body and shattering it to pieces.

She could almost feel her soul getting pulled out of her and departing.

She gasped.

"Sara," she heard a voice. "Oh my God." The screaming was too loud. It's like she had lived this. She had been through this. Why was she destined to suffer with this pain? Why couldn't her soul just get out of there and let her be? "Sara, Sara." Her entire body was shaking. Her body was her enemy; it clung to her soul and chained it inside.

She was shaking fiercely.

"Wake up." She felt hot wetness on her cheeks. "You're dreaming."

She opened her eyes and, again, she gasped.

"Please tell me you're dreaming." There was Tegan above her. She blinked. "Please, Sara." She blinked again. "I can't...I can't..." the voice trembled and broke.

She was crying. Her tears were falling. Her sweat blanketed her.

"Tell me you're okay. Why are you crying?" Tegan asked.

"Please don't leave me, please." She couldn't make sense of what had happened. "Please, Tegan." Her sobs were loud. She couldn't control them. She wrapped her arms and legs around the student and returned to the same position.

"I didn't leave," Tegan said. "I just went to pee."

Tegan began to cry.

"I woke up and you weren't here." Sara sniffled. "I felt sick. I felt as if I was covered in blood. I felt like my soul was trying to get out of me. I felt like I was dying."

"I think you woke up and went back to sleep, thinking you're still up," Tegan said.

This time, Tegan was the one rubbing her back and kissing her sweaty forehead.

"Please don't leave me till I die. Please, don't."

"Please don't say that." Tegan cried more. Sara's chest felt tight but her power started to subside. "You won't die. You're healthy. Even if you aren't, even if you become sick again, I won't think of even leaving you."

"Even if you're not happy with me?" Sara asked. Her eyes started to grow heavy.

"I am happy with you," Tegan said. "Even if a time came and I stopped being happy, and I hardly believe it will happen, I will still be with you."

"Even if you're just a companion? Even if there's no love from you or me? Even just to push me around in my wheel chair and feed me with a spoon and read me a book because my eyesight doesn't work?"

Tegan wanted to laugh in the middle of her tears. She blinked and laughed loudly with her tears running. "Yes, even when you're an old granny without any teeth and with ugly glasses that I beg you to change but you insist they hold some sentimental value because whoever in some weird literary text wore them." She had never put a kid back to sleep, but there she was, trying to put Sara (the kid) back to sleep.

Sara laughed and cried and pushed her head too far into Tegan's chest that the younger woman began to feel the ache in her breasts but couldn't voice it because she wanted the fright that had been just awakened to die down and shut off.

She just went to the bathroom and Sara morphed into a child who woke up in the middle of the night without finding her mother on her side. That was not Sara the professor, it was not Sara the thirty-five year old woman, it was not Sara the wise, Sara the passionate woman, Sara the older lady, Sara the motherly figure, Sara the bossy girlfriend, or Sara the sensitive lover _—_ that was Sara the kid; the helpless, powerless kid.

She loved Sara in all her forms and all her states. She loved Sara the kid.

She was mad at Sara until she woke up to go to the bathroom and relieve her bladder. Somehow, she couldn't be mad at her anymore. She was mostly disappointed, or, more appropriately, defeated. She had no choice; she felt as if she couldn't really force her opinion on Sara. Being with someone is so hard; you have to make some sacrifices. And she, Tegan, really did not know how to say no. It bothered her. It angered her. But she couldn't do it; she couldn't upset her very sensitive girlfriend...or fiance, or whatever they were.

Her hair was soft, and her skin was heated. Her heart was beating rapidly and her grip was tight. Sara was always a work of art. Tegan loved her. It was as simple as that _—_ she loved her.

As soon as she woke up, she felt it. Her eyes opened widely. There was something strange. Very, very strange. She found Tegan smiling sweetly while brushing her stray damp hairs. But that was not the strange thing that was happening. She knew her face was flushed and her eyes were tired. She knew that the position they were in was one she longed for so much. She knew all that. But that was still not the strange thing. She took a breath and blinked.

Tegan kissed her soft lips. Tegan had forgiven her. Sara smiled, of course, and even more tightly, she hugged Tegan's frame. And she felt it there, seeping, swimming, mingling, touching Tegan's thighs. Her breath hitched for a second. She bit her lip. She looked down in order to get a clear view.

"It's not blood," Tegan whispered. "I actually woke up feeling my thighs wet and I had to check for myself; it's not blood."

Sara gasped and covered her lips. "Did I pee on you?" then she whispered so shyly and quietly. She couldn't believe herself.

"Pretty sure urine isn't that thick, babe." Tegan laughed. Then Sara felt a hand groping her there and a strong finger sliding inside her underwear. And then she felt the awesome burn on her clit and moaned way too loud. "Oh, yeah," Tegan said, rubbing the small button. "You're not only wet, you're drenched. You're actually dripping all over me." Tegan pecked her quickly.

Then Sara saw that finger glistening with her own juices. Tegan was about to put it in her mouth but Sara had already recognized the smell and yelled to stop Tegan from doing anything. She grabbed her hands and cried, "Don't."

"What?" Tegan furrowed her brows.

"No." Sara shook her head. "Uh...I don't taste...that well." Sara shifted away from her lover. "Nor smell that well. It's gotten very strong...to a point you'd just get dizzy and annoyed with the smell or the taste."

Tegan pursed her lips before sitting up. Sara's face was heated and her chest was crimson red and her body was sweaty and her hair was damp and sticky, covering her hot face. That was a very different Sara. Sara also was careful, scared, worried; not confident at all.

Tegan pushed the duvet away and grabbed her lover's knees. "What are you doing?" Sara said when Tegan began to part them.

"I want to touch you," Tegan said. "With my mouth."

"Tegan, baby," Sara started, "I really do not smell nor taste good. It's like...I can't even say it." The medication made her scent way stronger and sometimes unbearable. That was another part she hated, one of the many.

"You're being silly," Tegan said. She parted both legs and looked at the drenched underwear. She missed that so much; being with a woman, looking at woman's body, and eating a woman out. And not just any woman, but her true love, her only love, the love that destroyed and rebuilt her. "I have a very strong...umm...scent, too." Tegan chuckled.

"Not like that," Sara said.

"So you agree?" Tegan asked. One of the girls she slept with told her that. It made her self-conscious for awhile, but she got over it with time.

"Most people do," Sara said. "I love yours so much."

"Well, then I'm sure I'll love yours." She was starting to smell her. The smell of sex was slowly filling the room.

"No," Sara said in a very low octave. "Let me go wash at least." She was about to get up, but Tegan pressed her hand over her flushed chest.

"So you tasted yourself and you decided you taste bad, and because you smell like sex you decided it's a bad smell?" Tegan shook her head with laughter. "Just relax. Be the Sara I fell in love with and open your legs for me and push my face on your cunt."

Sara's breath almost stopped. She closed her eyes and a smile appeared, even though she resisted it. She spread her legs more, lowered her underwear and waited to be touched and ravished. It's been such a long time. She could cry at this moment.

She opened her eyes when she felt small pecks on her clit. She looked down and watched Tegan looking up at her with her beautiful, hazel orbs. She looked so young and still looked so innocent and still looked like the cute teenager she once dated. Sara reached for her hair and gathered it inside her fist. Tegan licked the small button while looking at her. A wicked smile began to appear the more Sara struggled with the feeling. Tegan bit gently and then licked again.

"Never thought I'd make love to you ever again," the student whispered against her lover's pussy. "I dreamed of this moment, Sara. I dreamed about it almost every night and if I didn't dream then I daydreamed and then I cried all night because it all felt like some strange dream." Sara saw the tear rolling down Tegan's left eye. "It's a miracle that I am allowed back in your life. You forgiving me and loving me is a miracle. I love you so much. You're the woman that changed my life and..." Tegan cried more. "And I...I don't know what to say. You're just my Sara. You're my teacher and life companion and I would love to be your wife and the mother of your children."

Sara's loud cries filled the room. If only her lover knew that she was the one who was touched by a strong miracle, she was the one thankful that Tegan took her back, she was the one lucky enough that someone as youthful, beautiful, and amazing as Tegan agreed to waste their life with her and fulfill her wishes. If only she could voice that. But she couldn't, because Tegan's tongue was doing wonders down there. She felt every broad stroke and every pull at her lips and every lick and then felt the hard sucks on her clit and heard their voices.

Sara pulled up her tank top and threw it away, grabbed her lover's hand and made her play with her nipples. Tegan was too careful and too gentle while circling the hard buds. She looked up at her professor every few second to see the tears still falling from inside her tightly-shut eyes.

She wanted her to come and relax and feel happy. "Don't hold back," she said. "I know it's been too long since you had this and you want to come so badly and so quickly so don't feel ashamed that you're not lasting. I don't want you to hold back. I want you to come as soon as you feel it and relax. I want you to enjoy the moment and focus on yourself and forget about me." Sara opened her eyes and gave a quick nod.

Tegan stiffened her tongue and parted Sara's pink lips and pushed inside. She tasted what Sara had talked about but it was not a bad taste at all. It was strong, indeed, but not bad. Tegan loved it and moaned the more it hit her tongue. The more she pushed, the louder Sara's moans arose, and the faster she rotated her clit.

Then Sara put her in a headlock when she came. She shook while her thighs squeezed Tegan's head in between and her hand pulled Tegan's hair. Tegan was smiling and kissing the beautiful clit and cleaning all the wet juices that Sara didn't believe she could produce.

Sara cupped her lover's face and pulled her up on top, wrapping her arms around her and switching their position. Hungrily, Sara smothered Tegan with passionate, intense kisses. Her doctor was right; it was a process that took time. She just had to stop focusing on the bad part and relax and let herself feel everything like before. Tegan was the only one who could get her wet and heated.

Sara was still crying, however. She was also declaring her love between every kiss. She wanted Tegan to hear it till she got sick of it. That's what they both wanted: a time to be alone and love each other properly. She wanted this day to be spent like this. She wanted to fix past mistakes.

"I'm so sorry," Sara cried. "I'm sorry about all this pain I've caused you. I'm sorry about running away, about lying to you, about arranging it with your mother. I'm sorry your mother had to lie to you because of me. I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough. I'm sorry I left you with no news. I'm sorry I didn't love you right the first time."

And Tegan, too, was crying. She wanted Sara to stop apologizing; she had nothing to be sorry for. In fact, Tegan, herself, felt sorry. "No, no." Tegan pushed Sara's face up and held it there to make the woman look at her. "Stop apologizing. It's okay, Sara. It's okay. I forgive you. You forgive me, though, right?"

"Of course. I've already done that since a long time ago," Sara said.

"I didn't mean to be a bitch last night," Tegan said when Sara lay down beside her. "Sometimes I feel jealous and sometimes I feel like I need more time to be around you that I just don't want to share you. You have the right to have friends and hang out with them. I don't wanna be that bitch. I am not that bitch."

"I understand your point, though," Sara said. "I know you want your privacy and I do want that, too, for the two of us. I am going to talk to Stacy about it. I don't want her to come between us. I'm going to be nice and ask her kindly."

"Thank you," Tegan whispered. "Is she alone here?"

"Yes," Sara said. "She's mostly alone everywhere. In Vancouver she had family, now only me."

"Us, maybe." Tegan looked at Sara with a smile. "I'm not an enemy. She annoys me, yes. I like to make fun of her in front of her, oh yesss. I also like to tease her and mock her, but she's not an enemy."

"Thank you." Sara smiled. More tears fell out of her eyes.

Tegan reached for her hand and squeezed it. "You didn't taste nor smell bad at all," she finally said. Sara's eyes focused on hers; shiny, brazen, and fiery. "It was a very strong taste, but it was so good. It reminded me of your description in the notebook...about me."

"Oh," Sara blushed. "Sometimes I'm weird."

"You're always weird," Tegan said. "And it's why I love you."

"Wow." Sara kept thanking whoever gave her a second chance to experience this endless desire. She didn't want it to go away. She was pleading for this happiness to stay. She was pleading for Tegan to stay. "So you want to marry me?" Sara asked.

"Yes. I'll be your wife even though I don't believe in marriage."

Sara giggled. "What about being the mother of my child?"

"That too," Tegan said. "Not right now, though."

"Of course not," Sara said. "You have to graduate and remove your wisdom teeth." Tegan laughed loudly. "Tegan?"

"Hmm,"

"Can I ask you about something quite personal?" Tegan looked at Sara. She gave her a nod. "When was your last pap test?"

"What's that?" Tegan asked, furrowing her brows.

"Smear test?" Sara asked in another form.

She wanted to have safe sex, the safest. She wanted Tegan to be free of any infections or possible STDs so it wouldn't hurt her. She had to make sure Tegan was fully healthy and free of any disease before they engaged in more sex. She was sensitive and anything small could affect her own health and she did not want that.

"I don't think I know what that is," Tegan answered.

"When was the last time you had a gyno test?"

"I've never had one," Tegan said. "I never needed one."

"What?" Sara yelled. "You're 21 and sexually active and never examined your parts?"

"Why would I?" Tegan asked. "Everything works fine."

Sara sat up with wide eyes. "Oh my God," she said. "Are you kidding?" Her heart started drumming beneath her chest. "I'm speechless, Tegan."

"Why are you making me feel like I'm gonna die?" Her lips pouted. She was startled with Sara's panicked reaction.

"No, no." Sara gave her a sorry smile. "I'm just shocked," she whispered. "Babe, look at me." She lay down again on her side, facing Tegan. "Every sexually active woman above eighteen should get an exam every year. For me, I have to get all these tests every month even though I removed my cervix. And I have to sleep with completely healthy people without any infections or STDs for my own health."

"So you're saying I might have an STD?"

"Of course not." Sara laughed. "I'm actually more worried about your health now that I know you haven't gotten any test at all. You slept with a man for about a year and slept with many women; you know how dangerous can that be?"

"I was mostly protected with Jeremy," Tegan said. "And with the girls, we never shared toys at all. It was mostly oral sex or fingering."

Sara sighed. "Dr. Wilson never asked about that?"

"She gives these tests?" Tegan asked.

"She can," Sara answered. "But I do all of these at my gynecologist. You know, a specialist in these stuff because of my situation. But if you want Dr. Wilson then we'll go there."

"We?" Tegan hated where this was going. She despised doctors and exams and all of these silly things. "What are you talking about?"

"You're going to get a pap test and an entire vaginal exam when we go for our checkups. I can't be fully sure I'm safe until I make sure you are."

 _No. No. No._ "But..." Tegan frowned. "I don't want a doctor to touch me there." Sara noticed that she was genuinely scared. Tegan was a kid; she was still the kid she met and loved and took care of. Despite all the changes in her personality, Tegan was still an unsure, shy kid.

"It won't hurt," Sara said. "I'll be there." She held her hand. "I'll hold your hand like that. You're not a kid, baby. You're a grown woman," Sara said, contradicting her thoughts. "I'm pretty sure if your mum knew you hadn't done these tests she'd freak out."

"Can't, like, my mum do these tests for me?"

Sara laughed loudly. "You'd actually prefer your mum touching you there but not a stranger?"

"Eww, no, of course not." Tegan sighed. "I'm embarrassed. It's gonna be embarrassing."

"Hey," Sara said cheerily, "look at your girlfriend here, she does this each month. Almost every doctor here had seen her vagina." Sara pointed at herself and then winked.

"Vaginas are stupid," Tegan said angrily. "Why can't they function normally like arms?" Sara laughed more.

"You're a lesbian, right?" Sara asked all of a sudden. The question popped inside her head. A year with a man seemed like a very long time.

"Yes," Tegan said. "Jeremy was just...a getaway. He loved me, I took what I could get."

"Yeah, but, like...the sex. You guys had sex." She didn't know why her heart shot millions of pangs inside her chest when the thought became alive after her verbalizing it. "Was he good? Did he make you orgasm often?"

"I have to be very honest with you," Tegan said. Sara used her elbow for support as she scanned her lover's entire body resting on the mattress. "The sex was very good. To be honest, better than all these women I slept with in that period. He always made me come. I mean, I never faked it at all." It was funny how her upper thighs were still damp. Her nipples were poking from underneath her t-shirt. Her hair was shaggy and her fringe was sticking to her brow. "But I couldn't love him. Not for a second."

"Was he better than me?" Sara asked. Her thin fingers traced the lines of Tegan's tattoo.

"Nobody's better than you and I'm saying this with utter honesty, Sara." Her lover looked serious; her eyes fixed, brazen, like two fiery globes full of honest devotion. Sara kissed her pouty lips and thanked her with the quietest of sounds. She thanked her for her honestly.

Tegan moaned when she felt a sharp squeeze on her right nipple. She bit her lip and touched Sara's hand. Sara understood her silent plea and apologized. Sara's need still managed to take over her thoughts like all the old times just two years before. Tegan's clothes departed her body quickly. Soft kisses hugged her cold skin from her face till her feet. Sara's lips moved gently and smoothly above her skin; they kissed the beautiful ruddy face, the beautiful lips, the supple neck, the small breasts, the taut stomach, and then they went down pecking the patch of barely visible dark hair, ignoring the pulsing clit and descending to the thighs. Sara kissed the entire length of both legs and held her feet while she kissed her ankles.

"You have very nice feet. So cute, and small," Sara said.

Tegan guffawed loudly. She moved her right foot and pressed it against Sara's shoulder, pushing slightly. "Somebody has a foot fetish." Tegan winked. "You have so many different fetishes that I keep discovering. Mom-daughter fetish, spanking fetish, foot fetish, eating food off sexual parts fetish, and probably something that you still hide. What is it?" Tegan pushed Sara's shoulder as the older woman laughed and laughed without stopping. "What is it? Tell Teetee." Tegan laughed at her own self. "I can't believe I called myself that."

"I have a Teetee fetish, if you must know." Sara winked. She got up and left the bed. She stood in front of Tegan's innocent eyes and stretched. Tegan snorted and Sara laughed in return.

Tegan studied her professor's naked form carefully. She was the bigger one now, unlike two years before. Her thighs were quite full and lovely. When Tegan's head was between them, she felt safe and she felt deep, deep love filling her entire body.

Tegan parted her legs for Sara to understand her need. Sara got the message and smirked in return. She stood in front of the dresser and opened the drawer she wanted. Tegan's eyes anticipated and waited to find out what Sara was smiling mischievously at. Her own smile began to appear on her face watching Sara like that.

Sara held up the vibrator she found in Tegan's suitcase with her famous, charming smirk adorning her entire face. She walked back to her student and sat between her widely opened legs.

"Oh, God." Tegan covered her face with loud laughter escaping her lips. "I haven't used it in so long."

"When was the last time you used it?" Sara kept the few sex toys they shared together and they were still stashed in a box placed in her closet. They were barely used and even though she doubted using them again when she was approaching death, she still couldn't throw them away. She didn't want to use anything on Tegan until she made sure Tegan was clean of any trace of an infection or STD.

"I don't remember. Eight months ago, I guess," Tegan said. "I never used it on anybody or with anybody so you don't have to worry about that. I purchased it for personal use."

Sara looked at Tegan's vulva. She touched the dark pink lips and pushed her finger in the slit. The wetness was increasing the more she teased with her finger. She looked up at Tegan; her eyes were closed. Then she looked at the gorgeous small petals spread in hungry need. She switched on the vibrator and placed it on Tegan's clit. Her lover moaned softly. She pushed two fingers inside and quickly thrust. The moans did not become loud the way they once were. She missed those, but she was not going to comment on that.

Sara did that for awhile, and Tegan did last for awhile, unlike herself. Her wrists began to cramp so she pushed the vibrator in Tegan's wet hole and placed her mouth on the clit, pulling with her lips and flicking the button with her tongue.

"Sara?"

"Yes, love?" Sara looked up at her student.

"Come up here and kiss me."

Sara did that. Tegan smiled through the rushed kisses and the heavy pants. Her hand found the still thick wetness between the older woman's thighs. She wanted to do the same and make her come once again. She knew she was taking too long, but she did not want to tell Sara why. She wanted it rougher and faster, but she didn't want Sara to feel self-conscious about her actions. Sara was making sweet and soft love and she respected that and wanted that despite what her sexual organs craved.

Sara's moan was loud and high-pitched, almost like a short scream. She paused their mouth action and said, "Tegan, the surgery I've done was vaginal." She felt stupid saying that while her hand was pushing the toy in and out of Tegan.

"No penetration at all?" Tegan asked.

"Great God, no." Sara laughed nervously. "No, it's just that umm...they kinda shortened...umm...the vagina...so now I just seem tighter...and...and it's not the same." Sara's hand stopped. "And sometimes I bleed...rare times. It's just..."

"Stop explaining," Tegan whispered before kissing Sara once again and shoving her tongue back inside Sara's mouth to distract her from her worries.

Sara felt a careful finger that was not her own going in, feeling and searching with soft tenderness. She moaned into the kiss and quickened her thrusts. Tegan moaned along with her.

Tegan began to push carefully. She did her own google search about Sara's case and did not want to hurt or embarrass the older woman. She wanted everything to work smoothly and everything to be done carefully in its own time so Sara's confidence could restore itself bit by bit. She wanted to be a booster to that confidence indirectly, without letting Sara know that.

They pulled away and looked into each other's eyes. Sara came quickly once again and Tegan followed her right after. Tegan's eyes closed and her toes curled when a small squeal left her lips. Sara kissed these pouty lips and then kissed Tegan's forehead when the student opened her eyes.

When she threw her head on the pillow again, she smiled to herself. The stupid things she over-worried about were out of her system. Tegan did not hate the way she felt or smelled or the sex she offered. It seemed to her that she was worrying about silly matters; stuff she worried about when she was about to have sex with a boy for the first time. She was seventeen and she was frightened. She did make out with boys, go on dates, and sometimes even move to third base, but she did never sleep with one until she was seventeen. Her stomach hurt too much that night. She worried the condom would break and she'd end up like her mother. She did not love that boy at that time but she liked his personality and he made her laugh and he was a good person. Stacy pushed her to sleep with him. It was a strange feeling; she did not like it. He made her top him and it was her first time with a guy. She felt awkward and dirty. What she did with Stacy did not count because she still felt like a little girl; a teenager. But with that boy, she felt like a slut. When she fell on the mattress, she squeezed her eyes shut and locked her tears in. She was confused at that time. Trying to find who she was and what was her sexual identity made everything seem harder. She was very lucky the boy was a gentleman; he asked her if she was okay and he apologized for making her uncomfortable. The second time they had sex was in the morning when they woke up. That time was much better because she did not have to do most of the work. They were in a school camp, and that's the only reason she spent a night with a boy in his cabin. Her parents never allowed her to sleep over at Stacy's after they caught them together that one time. If Stacy slept over, the door was always opened. Her dad was always walking past her room and taking a peek at what they were doing. Clothes were to be changed in the bathroom and Sara was to sleep on the floor while her friend on the bed.

Sara heard Tegan yawn. She looked over and the student's eyes were about to shut down. Sara's phone started ringing right before she could speak. Sara sighed and Tegan opened her eyes again. The professor reached for her phone and sighed again when she looked at the caller's ID.

Tegan chuckled, knowing who it was.

"Morning," Sara said lazily.

"It's 1.00 PM," Stacy attacked.

"It's the weekend," Sara argued. She put her phone on speaker and pushed her face in Tegan's chest.

"You're so lazy. Did you just wake up? Did I wake you up?"

"Mmmm."

Tegan was about to laugh. She woke up two hours before Sara and stayed in bed staring at her. Eventually, she lost hope in Sara waking up anytime soon so she went to the bathroom to pee and brush her teeth. When she left the bathroom, she felt cold and sleepy again, so she went to bed. Sara woke up only five minutes after.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Tegan heard lots of noises in the background. She assumed it's the television. "So what are you gonna do today?"

"I was thinking of having a quiet day with Tegan," Sara said.

"Oh." Tegan heard the noise of something falling. "I was thinking...what did you do?" Stacy's sentence was cut off by another one; loud, angry, and hurt.

"Maybe you should...umm...take care of whatever is happening and then..."

"No, no," Stacy said. "Ella's trying to cook. She said..."

"And then we'll talk later?" Sara insisted on interrupting. The last sentence was sharp and it was louder than Stacy's voice.

"Oh, alright." Tegan heard more noises. "I was just...I thought maybe, you know, I'd cook for you and Tegan and you'd come over for dinner?"

 _No. No. No._

"Ohhh," Sara said. "I'm so sorry, Stace." _No. No. No._ "Tegan and I already made plans together. I mean, you know, we're trying to figure everything out and all. Can it be another day? Maybe even tomorrow?"

 _Yes. Yes. Yes_. Tegan smiled, kissing Sara's shoulder.

"Oh, yes. Of course. I'm stupid. I didn't think of it. Of course, of course." More sounds; loud sounds. "Okay. I'll let you go. We'll talk later...I guess." Stacy did not wait for the goodbye. She hung up after her words.

"Well, that was awkward," Tegan said. "Thanks, babe." Tegan kissed Sara's shoulder again.

Sara felt bitchy and annoyed with herself. "I just really hope that's Ella throwing stuff and not her." Tegan didn't say anything. "She has a habit of breaking her things when she's angry."

"She's so weird." Tegan yawned again. "Let's sleep again. My tummy hurts and I feel tired."

She had never said no to Stacy. Maybe she had, but she couldn't recall those times. And she just did that and it felt strange to her. She looked at Tegan and shivered all of a sudden. _I'm sorry_ , she felt like saying. _Is that how I make you feel? The way she made me feel?_ She had never said no to Stacy and she just did and she felt...as if she's someone else.

"I think we should get up." She decided to shake the thoughts away. Tegan's face looked pale and her eyes swollen. "We should eat," Sara said. "Well, I have to shower first because I probably stink."

"You don't," Tegan whispered. "I don't feel good."

Sara touched her lover's forehead. She was not hot, nor cold; she was alright. She looked at her face and tried to inspect. She found nothing. "What do you feel?"

"Like someone has drained me."

Sara laughed. She couldn't help not to.

"I exhausted you?" Sara asked. The younger woman nodded. "Well, I'll go shower and I'll leave the door opened in case you want anything. I won't take long. I'll get out and I'll make you something to eat." She kissed the younger woman and left to the bathroom.

Tegan closed her eyes as the pounding in her head increased. She tried to focus on her breathing but it kept getting shorter. She heard the water running in the bathroom and it made her remember that her bladder was begging for her to relieve it.

Despite feeling sick, she managed to get up. She smelled like sweat and it displeased her. She dragged herself to the bathroom and sat on the toilet.

"Tegan?" Sara asked from behind the curtain. Tegan hummed. "Are you alright?"

Her worry began to ascend when Tegan did not answer. She turned off the faucet after rinsing the shampoo off her hair and left the tub. Tegan was naked, ready to take her place. She stopped the student and looked into her eyes.

"I wanna take a a quick shower," Tegan said lazily.

"Okay," Sara said. "I'm still here. Blow-drying my hair." Tegan nodded.

Sara kept looking at the tub while blow-drying her chestnut locks. Maybe her friend was right; her lover was too weak to carry her own self, let alone a child inside. Sara wanted it so badly, though. She just wanted Tegan to graduate. She wanted to start the process. She wanted to hold her child in her arms.

When Tegan walked out, shivering, with a towel wrapped around her, Sara aimed the blow dryer at her, making her shriek.

"Oh, shit, shit," Sara said, laughing loudly. "Did I scare you?" Tegan had a hand clutching the towel and one on the left side of her chest. Her eyes were wide and fear masked her entire face. "Oh my God." Sara gasped, covering her mouth. Her laughter was still there but she felt guilty for scaring her girlfriend. "I'm so sorry, baby."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tears began to well up in the younger woman's eyes. "I'm telling you I'm tired and exhausted and you just scare me like that? That could have killed me." Sara's internal self was shaking with laughter. She loved how over-dramatic Tegan could get. She took her in a hug and kissed her, saying she's sorry a couple of times. But then she thought of Tegan's words again and worry found itself back inside her system.

Tegan was lightheaded and dizzy and did not want to talk much so Sara took her to the kitchen and began cooking whatever she found in her cabinet and fridge. She could make a special omelet in a mug for Tegan, or she could make her a grilled cheese sandwich until she decided what they would have for dinner. Even though they had takeout the previous day, she thought of making Tegan try her favourite vegan restaurant. They could order and watch a film together, or just talk. Most importantly, they would spend the day together by themselves and that's what she was looking forward to.

"I learned this new technique to convince Ella to eat her omelet and it's really yummy so I made both you and I the best and most delicious omelet in a cup and after that I'll have some treat for you."

Tegan ignored Sara's words, pushed back the slight irritation she felt having to be compared to a four year old again and hurried devouring what was placed in front of her. She looked up at Sara blowing at her fork and then realized she had just burnt her tongue. But she did not care about that as well. "How do they do a pap test exactly?" she asked.

"That's what's worrying you?" Sara said with a mouth full of food. "Oh, baby."

"It's making me anxious, I admit. But, umm, I think I have a very low blood pressure right now."

"Just relax, Tegan." Sara touched her hand and squeezed it. "Maybe I shouldn't have given you coffee and given you juice instead."

"No, please." Tegan gripped her coffee cup as if it was going to be taken away from her.

"Love, look at me!" Tegan was looking at her food, but once ordered, her gaze focused on her professor's. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable or feel awkward or embarrassed, but it's kind of weird that you're anxious about that. I mean, you're a grown woman and you've had sex with many people. Why the overthinking?"

"It's different," Tegan said first. "In sex, you can, like, you know, do it with the lights off and not show them what's really there but with doctors, they will look there because that's what they do." Sara laughed. "Don't laugh."

"The first time I had to get an exam I was sixteen and my mother dragged me there after she caught me with Stacy because she believed I was a whore and probably had many infections and diseases."

"And it's how you think of me right now."

"What?" Sara shouted. "No," she said angrily. "Tegan, this could risk my health. And you, as a sexually active woman, need to be careful too. You're healthy? Fine. But that's what I thought when I did not want to go to the doctor years ago."

"Chill, Jeez." Tegan rolled her eyes. She didn't know whether Sara was actually concerned about her health or she only cared about knowing she had no diseases for her own sake. It didn't matter, because her head hurt so bad to think of it. She left the kitchen with her unfinished food and went to the living room. She lay down on the sofa and closed her eyes.

She took a nap and woke up finding the place neat and clean. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. She felt much better. Maybe it was lack of sleep that made her moody and tired in the morning. She wondered what was the time before noticing it was a little after four in the afternoon when she looked at the clock in the living room.

She yawned again and rubbed her eyes again. When she opened them, Sara was standing behind the sofa, staring down at her with a lovely smile. She smiled too. Sara had a plate in her hand and Tegan knew that it was for her. She sat up when Sara walked up to her. She placed the plate on the coffee table and next to it placed a glass full of ice cubes. Tegan's eyes widened in excitement when she saw the ice. One small problem, she noticed the cubes had things in them; different colours and different stuff. She furrowed her brows as she looked inside; orange, pink, red. She looked at smiling Sara when the woman sat next to her.

"I heard that it will taste yummy to put fruits and even flowers in the ice. I did not put flowers this time but you can see small pieces of peaches, mangoes, strawberries, and raspberries in there. And since you never remember to eat fruits and always chew ice, I was like what the heck, let's try it."

"I hope it won't taste horrible. I really don't think the fruits will taste that good staying too long in there. I tried grapes once, it tasted like raisins the next day."

"Oh," Sara said. She thought she had come up with something new and Tegan did not know about it, but apparently she did not.

"But I never tried my four favourite fruits in ice," Tegan said again. Tegan also noticed some weird sauce in a small red bowl placed in the middle of the plate. Around the bowl, there were slices of green apple forming the shape of a flower. "I don't like apples, though."

"I know," Sara said. "That's why I made you a cheesecake dip." It was simple; just a bar of cream cheese mashed very well with caramel syrup. Sara reached for one piece, plunged it in the creamy dip and placed it against Tegan's pouty lips. Tegan opened up, taking a small bite. Her charming gummy smile quickly appeared on her face as her cheeks turned red when she tasted the sweetness on her tongue. Sara smiled too because it made her too happy to see her lover liking what she had made.

Tegan then grabbed one ice cube and put it in her mouth. She sucked on it for awhile and then started crunching. The sound amused her and the feeling of coldness on her tongue made her feel refreshed. When the small fruit touched her tongue, cold and frozen, she tasted another wave of coldness that she liked too much. Maybe she should have tried it with a raspberry since ever. She didn't like grapes that much anyway.

Sara was feeding her one bite after the other. She didn't really mind, but she asked, "So when we have a baby you're going to feed me while I feed the baby? That would look funny."

Sara's heart leapt hearing this sentence. She felt as if she fell from the highest building and hopped on the fluffiest cloud ever. She felt deep warmth spreading through her body and caging her flesh. "Tegan, oh my God," she said. "You're actually thinking about that? That makes me so happy." Her tears began to fall and she didn't know why. She was so excited that the idea did not come out of Tegan's lips in a repulsive manner.

"Whoa," Tegan said. "Why are you crying? Of course I'm going to think about it. I'm already thinking about the fact I'm gonna have to push a baby out of me. Like, that's pretty scary."

Sara kissed her caramel-tasting lips all of a sudden. She stroked her soft cheeks after pulling away, looking into the hazel pool of her eyes. "You make me so happy," Sara whispered. "But I don't think I can allow myself getting you pregnant with your health like that."

"What's wrong with my health?" Tegan asked.

"It's not the best right now and it might put you in danger if we try to conceive. I have to make sure your body is one hundred percent capable of dealing with another human inside to give you that. Your health is more important, Tegan. I know I don't say that and I seem selfish and want everything happening too quickly but I promise you that I care about your needs and wants as well. Your consent is more important to me." Sara felt as if she hadn't said that enough. The argument this morning made her rethink her words and actions. She didn't want to force Tegan to do things she's not comfortable with. She didn't want to be that person in the relationship. Her girlfriend had every right to be hesitant, scared, shy, and anxious about everything that was happening. Tegan was still so young and she was pushing her beyond her limits without realizing it. She just wanted to make sure that Tegan didn't feel too forced to do anything that didn't please her.

"We're not gonna get pregnant right now. I'm still in school. I think with this food you keep feeding me I'll be healthier than everyone in no time." Tegan smiled sweetly. "And thank you," she said. "Sometimes I just feel uncomfortable and shy. I'm not used to all of this. I don't know what a pap test is and it doesn't sound right to my naive Tegan ears."

Sara laughed too loudly. Her lover had her own humorous moments and she loved them.

"Okay. Look, basically you're going to wear the gown they give you after taking all your clothes off..."

"Okay, why all my clothes off?" Tegan asked.

"The doctor will check your heart, lungs, blood pressure, and breasts. You know, the usual exam."

"My breasts?" Tegan asked. "I'm just twenty-one."

Sara sighed. "Yes, I know. But cancer knows no age, Tegan." And Tegan huffed angrily. "I'll show you how to self-examine, alright?" Tegan was glaring at her lover. "The doctor then will place your feet in the stirrups...you know them?" Tegan nodded, still glaring. "And, well, she's going to examine the outer parts and then the inner parts and take some cells from your cervix to test them and that's a pap test. She'll also examine your womb and ovaries."

"Whoa, stop," Tegan said. "She's gonna reach that deep down and touch my cervix? That would hurt." Tegan was acting like a child; like someone who was not educated about these matters. And, to Sara, it was funny that she wasn't despite her mother's profession.

"It's not gonna hurt. I swear. Not at all," Sara promised. "I'll be there and I'll do most of these steps too and I'll do them before you so you can see." Tegan put another ice cube in her mouth while nodding uncomfortably. "My gynecologist is a very nice woman. She won't make you feel uncomfortable at all."

"Not Dr. Wilson?" Tegan asked.

"You want her?"

"No," Tegan shouted.

"I thought so," Sara said.

"Okay," Tegan jumped in. "I have a request as well."

"Spell it."

"I want you to come with me to my next therapy session," Tegan said. "Please."

"I would love to," Sara said. She wanted to do that but did not have the courage to ask. Tegan seemed surprised. Sara actually wanted to know how Tegan was dealing with her struggles and emotions and depression. She wanted to understand her lover more and wanted her lover to understand her. She wanted to share and listen. She wanted them to do everything as a couple; even the slightest things like going to the doctor, house-hunting, or shopping for clothes. She couldn't wait for the time she'd be able to go to the mall and try clothes in front of Tegan. She couldn't wait for the time she'd take Tegan on a small date to get something cold or hot to drink or just walk around the town.

"Okay, that's good." Tegan nodded. "One other question," she said.

"Ask."

"Do you get these nightmares often?" Tegan bit her lower lip. Sara watched the action carefully. Sara frowned, not because Tegan asked that, but because of her behavior in the middle of the night. She knew she scared Tegan, but she couldn't help it. "I won't judge you. Tell me." Tegan lay her head on Sara's lap. Sara didn't know if it was a gesture done purposely or not, but it sure did send more comfort and confidence. "I'll tell you about this stupid nightmare I kept having."

"I sometimes do get similar dreams. Last night, however, was the worst. I mean, it's like I woke up and you weren't there and I realized I'm still sick and bleeding to death. It just felt real."

"Can I tell you something that might embarrass you?" Tegan asked.

"Go ahead."

"You were actually very wet and you thought it's blood. I didn't wanna tell you even though I knew it before even going to the bathroom." Sara knew her ears were as a red, raging fire, but she did not care. "Like I told you, you woke up and half went back to sleep but your other half was still awake. It's like your unconscious messed with your conscious so you produced this dream. It happened to me a couple of times."

"Oh, wow." Sara chuckled.

"I just really want you to be sure that even if you kicked me out, I'll be like a faithful dog, clinging to the foot of your bed without accepting to leave. I'll never repeat these mistakes."

"I love you," Sara whispered.

Tegan said it back.

Then Tegan told her about the nightmare of that murky street with the white lights and the car driving on its own. She told her about how it started to change and form and how much it bothered her. They talked till their stomachs growled for a proper meal. Sara did order what she planned to order previously and Tegan chose a film for them to watch. They spent a normal lazy Saturday the way they both were daydreaming of while they were apart.


	10. Long Days and Sunny Eyes

Trigger warning: domestic violence and abuse.

* * *

Tegan gasped as she gazed at the plastic object. In a way, it looked like some weird type of scissors to her, but it also looked like something one would use in the kitchen—it looked like something that should never to be used on her vulva. She tensed up; her muscles clenched. Sara put a hand over her right knee, even though Dr. Anderson's elbow was already placed on her thigh, restricting any unnecessary movement. Tegan was barely able to put up with the general examination of the entire area, and now there was this thing that had to go inside of her and it did not only scare her, but it made her face grow crimson red. Did the doctor know she was slightly wet? She didn't want it to happen, but it fucking did against her will and she felt ashamed and disgusted with herself. She hated that she was the first to get examined, even though Sara had promised she'd get it done before her.

"Tegan, it's not gonna hurt. I promise you," Sara uttered. She stood there beside the doctor, looking between Tegan's spread legs.

"This is a speculum, Tegan. You might feel some pressure, but you have to tell me so I can adjust it better for you. You shouldn't feel any type of pain, however," the doctor said.

"Yes, babe. She just wants to see your cervix."

"I don't want _you_ to see my cervix. Can you not stand there?" Tegan said. She had already had a bad day, and it was only getting more stressful each second.

"Sara, step aside please," the doctor ordered. She was still a little bit shocked that it had actually worked out with Sara and her very young lover. She thought Sara was a fool, running for a new heartbreak, but of course she couldn't tell the woman that. She wanted her health to get better, not to deteriorate.

Sara stepped beside her lover. She took her small pale hand and squeezed. She gave the restless woman a warm smile to distract her from the doctor's action. Tegan couldn't be distracted; she felt the pressure the doctor mentioned, but it was very mild that she did not feel the need to voice her discomfort, even after she was asked twice if there was any. For her, the questions about her bodily functions and sex life before the examination were much more awkward than what was happening now. Maybe because Sara was there and her hand had a calming effect, or it could be the fact that the fright was gone now that she was there and she was not criticized for her answers or her body or anything else.

After Tegan's examination was over, she felt relieved. It was kind of the same feeling of having been done with a presentation in front of a big class...minus the nudity. She stood in the same place Sara stood moments ago and decided she's not going to stand beside the doctor and invade Sara's personal space.

Tegan jumped when Sara let out a loud sound indicating pain. When it happened again, she frowned. Sara's brows were wrinkled and her lip was bitten. The doctor kept mouthing "it's okay" every time Sara gasped or groaned. Was it normal to feel that much pain?

Tegan left her place and tried to look between Sara's legs. The doctor had two fingers inside with a hand on Sara's abdomen; she was done with the Pap smear.

"Is it normal to hurt?" Tegan asked. Her heart was breaking. She wanted to cry.

"Yes," the doctor replied. "Can you please return to your place?" Dr. Anderson did not want to be rude, but she disliked it when her patients did not follow her orders.

"It's okay," Sara said. "I don't mind her seeing." Sara, in fact, wanted her to see. She wanted her to see how much pain she was experiencing and how hard it was to be alive with organs pulled out of her, yet she had to act like she's functioning as normally as every other woman. She had to walk like them and act as if she was exactly like them. Nobody knew that she was missing parts that were very important to her as a woman; to her femininity; to her motherhood. But Tegan should know, because Tegan was going to live with her and not all days were as colorful as the first few days.

Tegan was shocked when they tried having sex for the second time and she was met with nothing but acute dryness. It had been one of the most embarrassing moments for Sara. When Tegan lifted up her two fingers with the tips coated with a red, viscous substance, Sara's tears welled up in her eyes. Even though her young lover was very supportive and did not show any type of disgust or discomfort, Sara still felt uneasy and restless. She apologized to Tegan, who kept telling her that it was honestly alright.

"It's just blood," Tegan said.

"You hate blood," Sara said.

"Not yours." Tegan smiled and hugged the frowning woman from the side. They were lying on the mattress after Sara had taken her shower. "We're like...parts of each other, Sara. I do not feel disgusted by you. I told you I'll always be here...even if you bled on my face."

"No," Sara whined. She covered her face with the pillow. "I'm embarrassed. You had to clean the mess I made." She was only embarrassed around Tegan, not around Stacy or anybody else who had to witness that.

"Let me tell you a little story that's ten times more embarrassing."

Sara, like a little kid, looked at Tegan from the corner of her hazel eye. Half of her face was still buried in the pillow.

"When I had my car accident, I immediately started bleeding. I was very shocked because I bled too much but there was no pain or anything. People were gathering and one man thought I...miscarried. I was not sleeping with Jeremy back then so that was ridiculous. But I was so embarrassed that I told him yes, that's what had happened." Sara was not laughing; she was shocked, her eyes wide and her expression deadpan. "That was very embarrassing for me. I didn't know what to do. And there were people who thought I was dying or someone inside of me dying and I couldn't say anything."

"Tegan," Sara said with a high tone, "how can you not tell me about this?"

"It's okay, Sara. It was out of severe shock. That's what my mum said."

"You didn't get checked up?"

"No."

"Babe, you were hurt. How can you not not get an exam or something?"

"No, I was not. I mean, I was...mentally. It was just a rough time."

"I am so sorry."

"I just want you to feel better, Sara. I don't want you to apologize for something you haven't done." Even though Sara nodded, she still did not feel okay with herself.

Sara's examination took longer than Tegan's. Sara's examination also took longer at Dr. Wilson's. Tegan felt like her soon-to-be wife was functioning as a robot. Every little detail in her body was monitored and watched. It was exhausting.

"Alright, Tegan first," said Dr. Anderson as she sat in her office. Sara and Tegan joined her after having changed back into their clothes. They sat on two chairs opposite from each other. "I believe you're overall healthy. I'll get the results of the Pap smear tomorrow and will call Sara to inform her if there are any abnormalities." Tegan knotted her eyebrows in confusion. Why wouldn't she be the one called? Sara was not her guardian.

"Why don't you call her?" Sara had sensed it. She looked at her lover, reading her facial expressions.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought since I usually call you, and have tested you, too, I'd inform you about her since you're living together now." It was still hard for her to digest the fact someone as young as her daughter was dating a woman as old as Sara. She knew Sara's pain and knew she was a good woman. She knew how sensitive she was, but if Tegan was her daughter, she would be upset. Very upset.

"It's alright," Tegan said calmly. "I don't mind it." She didn't, not after Sara had recognized her individuality by asking. "So I'm pretty much okay?" She wanted to prove to Sara that she was healthy, not carrying any type of disease.

"Yes," said Dr. Anderson, "however, I do suggest you cut the antidepressants if you want to conceive within the next six months. First of all, even if you can't feel it, you do not have a high sex drive as a woman your age. Fertilization might get complicated for you." That was ridiculous; she felt horny 24/7. "Second of all, I believe it is the cause of your weight loss, which is the cause of your severe anemia as it is mentioned here." That was what Dr. Wilson had summed up in the earlier examination. Tegan was told it was better to stop these pills. But what if she was back at stage zero? Could she be? Sara was here and with her she was not depressed. "A pregnant woman with severe anemia is never a great mixture. You don't want to hurt yourself or a child inside of you, Tegan." Tegan shivered when she heard that sentence. It felt...peculiar. Yes, that's the word. It just did not fit. Not in her head, at least.

Sara was overthinking even more than she had been doing the past few days. She did not want to risk Tegan's health. She did not want Tegan to feel sad. She also did not want Tegan to be anemic. But she badly wanted to have a child.

"Okay, Sara," the doctor said. "Everything seems fine. Same old, same old. Continue with the medication, please. Continue with your diet." Sara only nodded. She did not want to say anything else.

Usually, she would say so many things and ask many questions, but with Tegan around, she felt that it would scare the student if she voiced her concerns. She had already revealed plenty of information at the beginning. She told Dr. Anderson about how wet she had gotten and about the sex. She also told her about the second time. The doctor did not give answers. "It's very normal," the doctor said. It frustrated Sara that everything was _very normal_ , even though it was not even close to normal for healthy women.

"Can you drive, Tegan? I'm in so much pain." Sara put her head on the steering wheel, squeezing her eyes shut as another wave of pain hit her lower half.

Tegan looked at her for a second then said, "I can't." Sara looked at her student, a tear rolled down her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I can't drive after what happened. I tried; I couldn't. I got kinda traumatized." Tegan started to cry, too. She felt helpless for the first time since the past week she had spent with Sara.

Sara sat up, wiping her tears. "Tegan, what exactly happened? I feel like you're not telling me something."

"Nothing, I swear." Tegan's sobs became louder. She hated seeing Sara in pain. "I did not get hurt. My dad's car did, but not me. I only broke my arm and had some cuts...and the bleeding." Tegan looked at Sara's jeans. "Oh, are you bleeding?" Sara shook her head. "Why did it hurt so much?"

"The bimanual examination always hurts. I am basically dry; of course it's gonna hurt." Sara chuckled.

"You have to be wet in order to be examined?" Tegan asked, wanting an answer to relieve her from her embarrassment.

Sara only laughed. It was cute; the way her tears were running with her laughter getting louder.

"That sounded stupid," Tegan whispered.

"No," Sara said. "You just reminded me of myself." Sara was silent for a moment. "I know how annoying can this thing be, and how uncomfortable it is. I know how you feel. I'm really sorry I made you go through it, but I had to, Tegan."

"It's alright."

"I'm better now. The pain goes away after a few minutes." Sara's foot stepped on the brake as she put the key of her car in its place.

It was a long day and it was only the afternoon. Tegan sighed in her seat as she fastened the car belt. Sara started driving to their next stop. Tegan was getting hungry.

Sara was driving them to Tegan's therapist. She hoped the session would go fine. She had stopped visiting her therapist just a few months ago. She wished that Tegan would stop, too, but she did not want to force it to happen.

Tegan was messing with the car radio again, switching from one channel to the other. It annoyed Sara because she couldn't concentrate on the road. Maybe Tegan had been doing that when she had her accident. It seemed pretty serious, despite the fact that Tegan was making it seem as if it was okay. Bleeding out of shock? That's a thing she had never heard of. Sara made a mental note to Google-search that. Tegan was one of those people who never took care of their health. Sara had figured that out on her own two years before. But now that they were together, Sara made it her priority to watch Tegan's health and force her to visit doctors when it was necessary.

Sara had to find a way to make Tegan conquer her driving fear and get back behind the wheels again. Tegan had to drive because Sara couldn't drive her around all the time, especially if they were going to have a child. Sara grinned at the thought.

"Are you smiling to yourself?" Tegan asked.

Sara blushed. That used to happen in middle school. She would daydream in class, while the teacher explained math, and smile. Stacy and Audrey would make fun of her later.

"God knows what you're thinking."

Sara was happy the atmosphere was lighter than an hour before.

However, when both Tegan and Sara sat on the black leather couch in front of the old woman in her very hot room, the heaviness of her sharp stares drowned the two of them. Judgment was apparent and Sara sensed it. She hated the woman from the first glance.

"So what I'm getting is that you want to get married to her," Dr. West said, "even though three months ago you said that you're against the marriage institution; you don't ever want to have children; and if she ever returned, you'd never even think of getting back to her."

Sara looked at her student with questioning eyes. She knew Tegan was against marriage, but she was not aware she was strongly against having a child.

"I did," Tegan said. "I was hurt."

"What about the children case? I remember discussing that with you."

"And you told me that I'm not making much sense."

That's official; Sara had found a new enemy.

"What made you change your mind?"

"I love her," Tegan said it as if that was the simplest answer that had ever rolled out of her tongue. Sara smiled.

"Aren't you afraid that, perhaps, you're thinking with your heart and not your mind? Aren't you afraid she'll get sick again? Aren't you afraid that, maybe, you won't be able to handle a child at such a young age? Imagine you lost her and you're a mother to, let's say, a three year old, and you're so young; what would you do?"

 _So many questions_. Tegan got hit with fresh fears that had not touched her mind before. Sara's hate was growing. Sara wanted to cry.

"Why are you saying this?" Sara asked. "Why are you trying to scare the two of us?"

"I am giving you an image of reality. She is my patient; you are not. It is my duty to help her."

The heartbeat inside Tegan's chest arose by the minute. It was the same poignant rhythm as that of the ticking clock in the gloomy office. _Don't think of the past or the present, think of this moment. Only this moment._ Her thoughts, for once, were by her side and not against her. However, her therapist's focused eyes were penetrating her brain, planting fear inside her skull.

"Tell me, Tegan," Dr. West said. "I want you to look at me and tell me your honest answer. Do you want to have a child right now?"

Brown eyes never seemed as frightful as the ones of her therapist. They were big. So fucking big. They were hypnotizing in the worst type of way. The longer Tegan looked, the dizzier she got. The brown was swirling and twirling around the black dot, slowly putting her inside a spell.

"Tell her, Tegan," Sara's feminine octave hit Tegan's brain cells all of a sudden. "Please," she begged. "I want to know your answer. Do you want to have a child with me right now?" Tegan looked at Sara's hazel eyes. They were far less frightening. They looked sweet, sad, and soft. "Or not?"

"I do," Tegan said quickly. "I do," she repeated as she looked back at her therapist. She figured that if she said it so quickly while her eyes were on Sara's, she wouldn't change her mind if she looked at Dr. West.

To Sara, Dr. West was only making Tegan more anxious and less-confident about herself. The way she questioned her was far worse than Sara's mother's way of interrogation. Sara bet if Tegan's mother was aware that her daughter was visiting such a therapist, she'd lose her mind. Therapists shouldn't judge their patients, they shouldn't try to make them feel confused about their thoughts; they should help, give an advice, make them cope with their fears and chase after their goals.

"I'm not taking these pills anymore. I am not going there anymore," Tegan said as soon as they were back in the car. "I don't need her anymore. I know what I want and I am not sad. I am not scared, Sara. I love you and I want to be with you."

"God, I love you so much, Tegan." The older woman was in loss of words. "I don't know what I should say and do right now. You're...I love you. You're the reason...I am happy." Sara leaned in to kiss her student.

It was a gentle kiss. It was quick, too.

"I love you, too." Tegan's lips hurriedly pecked Sara's earlobe before the older woman pulled away, a sheepish smile painted on her face.

"Jeremy's now?" Sara asked, fastening her seat belt. Another drive to another unwanted place. She sighed.

"Yes," Tegan said. "I have to do this. I have to make sure he didn't tell Emy."

"Yes. True."

Sara looked at her student before starting the engine. She tried to find any hints of pain because of what had happened this morning, but Tegan seemed indifferent. Sara; however, was still hurt since she had seen that scene at the back entrance of their faculty.

Sara was about to get in her car when Tegan passed by, her earphones were blasting loud music. Sara smiled, thinking Tegan would stop, but the student did not notice her by her car. Tegan continued walking towards a bunch of seated girls smoking the way they always did at that time, at that place. She noticed their smirks and laughter, making her stop in her place, squinting at them. Sara saw the scene from her place, just a few feet away from them. Tegan paused the music only to hear their mocking laughter.

"Having fun with the old lady?" one woman said. Sara noticed that she was extremely androgynous, and extremely hot. "Fucking your sexy prof? Like some film fantasy, huh?"

"Does she know you're gonna cheat on her the way you cheated on Emy?" Sara quickly reached to the conclusion these were Emy's friends.

"I always knew you're into old women. So slow in everything. So lazy. Must be fun sleeping at nine and knitting together." Sara swallowed the lump in her throat. Her face was getting heated.

Every girl in that group was throwing a word at silent Tegan. Why wasn't her lover doing anything or saying something?

"Does she know you slept with basically the entire university?"

"Does she know we can fucking tell about you two?"

"We weren't mature enough for you, babe?" said the same androgynous woman. It was her turn again.

These were the women Tegan slept with.

 _Oh..._

Tegan shook her head, turned up her music again, and walked away.

Sara, on the other hand, did not plan to let them be. She walked to where they had gathered. With her flaming orbs, she glared at each one of them, focusing her gaze on that very attractive woman. "If you do not want to be expelled, I suggest you never repeat what you have just said," Sara said with a voice sharper than any knife each of them had used.

Yes, Sara was sleeping with her student. Yes, almost everybody knew. No, nobody dared say anything. Sara was the new Dean of Students' Affairs now. Sara was getting into big places quickly because of her previous honest teaching method and her charm and ability to solve students' issues. Nobody dared say anything because Sara was too confident to give them a chance and Tegan was two months away from graduation. Nobody dared make a noise.

Sara and Tegan walked together under the rain just two days before, with Sara holding Tegan's umbrella for her. They were giggling while the professor's arm was wrapped around her student's waist. Sara noticed everybody's eyes on them. Every student scanned them. It felt great that she did not care. It felt great that she wasn't afraid.

Except that she was called the next day and ordered by the dean of the faculty to keep quiet about her affair, because the university's policy did not allow such a relationship. Sara argued, saying it was not just an affair; she and her student had gotten engaged. The new dean was a good, understanding woman. She told her that she did not care what it was; she cared about Sara's safety and her position.

So, this afternoon, on their way to the medical center, Tegan and Sara discussed what had happened.

"It always happens," Tegan said. "Like every day."

"And you say nothing?" Sara said with a surprise.

"Bitches bark, remember?" Tegan exposed her gummy smile to Sara.

Sara was confused for a second, but then she gasped. "How do you remember that?"

"I remember everything you have ever told me. Literally everything. Especially those days. I was so madly in love, like a drunken teenage boy."

"And what about now?" Sara asked. "Are you still so madly in love?" Sara winked, the way she used to do years before.

"Now I'm drowning in love." A sigh of content left Tegan's lips. Sara giggled because she was too shy to say anything. "I have to make sure Jeremy didn't tell Emy anything. I think she's the one who told them in the first place. I don't talk to Emy, so I have to ask Jeremy to tell her to tell them not to fucking mess with us."

And that's how they agreed to drive to Jeremy's, who hadn't been picking up his phone since the morning, to ask him to be quiet and not tell everyone just yet. Sara did not admire the idea, but she did not mind it since it was related to her own safety as well.

"I'll be right back," Tegan said. The car's door was opened and Tegan's feet were already hanging outside. Sara nodded, hoping Tegan would be quick.

 _Tegan alone with Jeremy up there? What would happen?_ Sara huffed. _Nothing would happen_. _She's going to tell him to shut his stupid mouth up and come down._

Sara made up her mind that she'd follow Tegan if the younger woman did not come back after ten minutes. Sara trusted Tegan, but she wasn't able to kill the ghosts in her mind telling her Jeremy would take his chance to seduce Tegan. She felt stupid thinking like that but she couldn't help herself.

Jeremy was not opening the door. Tegan wondered whether he was out of town or not. But where would he be?

She had her own key in her pocket; she was going to return it today.

Tegan used the key to open the door and step inside. The television was on, Jeremy's shoes near the door, a blanket was on the couch, food on the counter. The apartment was a mess.

Without her, nothing was in its place. She made sure to clean and tidy the small place each day. She did the laundry, too. Jeremy only helped her with the cooking. Without her around, the apartment smelled like grief and carelessness.

"Jeremy?" Tegan called. "I saw your car parked. I know you're home." Unless he was out of the country and had left his car. But that's not likely. "Jeremy? I need to talk to you." Tegan stood outside the closed door of his room. She heard shuffling inside. She knew he was there. With a quick movement, she opened the door.

"Shit, Tegan." Jeremy walked towards her in his briefs. Tegan's eyes opened in astonishment. The face of the girl in Jeremy's bed was bloody red. "I was gonna get the door, goddamn it, get out," Jeremy yelled, but Tegan couldn't move. She looked at the girl and the girl looked at her. How fast was she replaced! And with whom? The girl from the bar; the one Sara said looked like her. Sara was right; that girl looked like her.

Jeremy pushed her out. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"You found someone," she said it with a tone she did not want to reveal. Why was she so hurt?

"Yes? That's what people do after they get dumped, you know."

"We weren't together." Tegan scowled.

"Then why are you so fucking hurt about it?"

"Jesus, what's your issue?" Tegan's voice arose.

"What's _your_ issue? Why are you here?" Jeremy's voice was full of anger. Tegan was not used to that.

When the door creaked, both Jeremy and Tegan looked at the girl walking out with her shirt half buttoned, her jeans unzipped, her hair a mess, and her shoes in her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'll leave you alone."

"No, Denise," Jeremy said, holding her arm. "She's not my girlfriend, I swear. She's not even my ex. She's gay. She was my roommate. I don't even know why she's here." The desperation was clear in the man's voice. Tears were dancing on the lids of the tall brunette. Jeremy looked back at Tegan with pleading eyes.

"I am so sorry," Tegan said. "I did not mean to barge in. I thought he's asleep or something. My girlfriend is waiting in her car. I just wanted to ask him something because he hasn't picked up his phone since this morning...I didn't know you guys were busy." Tegan blushed, and Denise did, too. Jeremy's face froze, looking behind Tegan.

"Tegan?" Sara's voice was heard, adding a new tune to the dramatic melody. "I got worried. What took you so long?" Sara scanned everyone with her microscopic gaze. Jeremy shivered when he was eyed up and down with these sharp eyes.

"Uh...it's a long story." Tegan was becoming anxious. She felt the pain growing in her stomach. She felt like she wanted to throw up.

"Did you ask him?" Sara asked.

"Ask me what? Can't you just fucking get it over with and leave my place?" Jeremy shouted at Tegan, who took a scared step back. Sara stood in her place, dilating her eyes at the man.

"Talk to her like that again and I swear to God..."

"Sara, just leave it." Tegan grabbed her girlfriend's wrist. Sara was too busy eyeing the woman from the bar with a raised brow. A smirk slowly made its way towards her lips.

"What do you want, Tegan?" Jeremy said again with a sigh.

"I just wanted to ask you if you told Emy about me and Sara. Of course you did. Thanks, by the way. You can't keep your mouth shut for one minute."

"I'm gonna leave." Denise rushed out before anybody could say anything.

Tegan was sure she was going to hurl. She did not expect a scene of a soap opera would be enacted right here in the hall of Jeremy's apartment.

"Whoa, whoa," Jeremy said. "What the fuck? Emy?" Sara and Tegan both nodded. "Dude, Emy's been out of town for the past two weeks. Her brother died."

Both women halted in their place. They looked at each other with wide eyes then looked back at Jeremy.

"What?" Tegan felt her voice breaking. "Martin?" Jeremy nodded. "Little Martin?" He was only six. How? When?

Tegan threw up on Jeremy's floor.

"Oh, God," Sara cried. "Oh, babe, it's okay." Tegan puked again.

Tegan continued puking on the floor. She puked for a long time. The scent was making Sara dizzy while she rubbed her girlfriend's back. Tegan sat on the floor and emptied the contents of her stomach. Jeremy ran around, trying to figure out what to grab in order to clean the floor. First thing he did was put on a shirt. He looked at Sara, who had one hand cupping her nose and one on Tegan's back. His friend was crying and throwing up. That was not good.

"I'll clean that," Sara said as she watched the man confused, not knowing what to do. Just take her to the bathroom and let her wash up. I'll clean it. Where do you keep your cleaning stuff?"

Jeremy hesitated. He was scared of Sara. The woman had eyes that could haunt a village; her tongue could speak daggers. "In the kitchen," he finally said, knowing that he should probably do what she had ordered. "The cabinet underneath the sink."

Jeremy walked Tegan to the bathroom. He supported her small frame while she washed her face. "It's been long day," Tegan kept mumbling. "It's been long day." Jeremy listened, not doing anything, nor saying anything. "How did he die?" Tegan started crying. She loved little Martin. Emy loved him so much.

"Brain cancer," Jeremy said.

"What?"

"Brain cancer."

"How," Tegan cried.

"He was diagnosed last year. Emy didn't tell anyone. I just knew recently." Tegan blinked. She looked at the door. _Cancer? Again? That's what life was about? Innocent people getting diagnosed with a malicious disease? Why?_ Tegan sobbed.

"Tegan, it's fine," Jeremy said. "She'll be back next week. Go to her and talk to her. She needs a friend. Melissa broke up with her. I think you know that." Tegan nodded, still crying. "Her mother is losing it. He father is devastated." _Of course...of course. That was cancer. That was death._

Sara stood by the door. Sara looked at her. Sara was still there, alive, and healthy. Tegan ran to the older woman, pushing her face in the crook of her neck. Sara hugged her, allowed her to cry there, and looked at Jeremy as they stood inside an awkward atmosphere.

Back in the car, Tegan continued crying as guilt wrapped its claws around her. Sara's car was still parked outside Jeremy's apartment complex. She listened as her student cried while she looked at the rain outside of the window.

"I feel so bad," Tegan kept saying. "I feel so bad. I feel so guilty. I hurt everyone. I always do."

"Stop saying that," Sara whispered. "It's not your fault."

"I hurt her a lot. I hurt you, too. I hurt Jeremy. Why am I like this?" Tegan shook her head.

But Jeremy hurt _them_. Sara still blamed him. She forgave Emy. Something about death made it easier to pity the friend. But Jeremy just couldn't win Sara's forgiveness.

"You met him? Martin I mean?"

"Yes," Tegan said. "Emy loved him so much. So fucking much. You have no idea." Another wave of tears rolled out of Tegan's eyes.

Sara put her hand below her left breast. The pangs in her heart wouldn't stop. When she heard what Jeremy had said, her stomach dropped. She had not met the child, but she felt terrible. However, she couldn't cry because she had to be the stronger one.

"Tegan," Sara whispered. "You know what mum kept telling me when I lost Alice?" Tegan shook her head. "Innocent children die young because they're too pure for this world. It's like God doesn't want them to suffer so he takes them away. I know it's hard to believe that, but it used to help me. He would have suffered with Cancer, Tegan. My daughter would have suffered all her life because she had a weak heart. Some people are just meant to live up there, not with us on earth."

Tegan had never felt the urge to scratch Sara's body with her nails, but she did now. It was a weird craving. Her eyes looked at Sara's covered arms. She thought if she scratched her arms, Sara would be marked forever and would never leave. Sara would be a part of her. And if Sara bled, Tegan would kiss every little wound. She wanted to squeeze the woman, hurt her skin, and pinch her flesh so hard. She just wanted to mesh with Sara in any possible way.

"I'll drive you home. You should sleep and rest. You basically puked everything. I'll make you something to eat," Sara offered.

Tegan sighed. "Sara," she said.

"Yes?"

"I want you to let me pinch your arm."

"Okay." Sara did not ask anything more. She offered Tegan her left arm and the younger woman pinched it after lifting up the sleeves. Then Tegan scratched at the red mark she had caused and looked at the silent older woman. "I want takeout."

"Okay." Sara smiled. She lowered her sleeves and rubbed the bruised area.

"And...I want to see Ella. I miss her." When Sara did not say anything, Tegan continued, "You haven't talked to Stacy since last week." Sara nodded. Since that phone call, Sara had not spoken to her best friend. "I don't want to be that person, Sara. I don't want to take away your right of having friends and interacting with people you love."

Tegan was feeling guilty towards her own friends, Sara summed it up. She felt guilty and wanted to feel better about herself. It was a human nature. Maybe she wanted to see Ella because Ella was innocent, Sara thought. Tegan was innocent, too. Probably like Emy's brother and like her dead daughter.

"You want us to grab food and go to Stacy's?" Sara asked again. "I don't want to force you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"Sara, I want to. I don't hate Stacy. I really don't." Sara was scared of visiting her friend out of the blue after days of separation. "I feel bad. It's my fault she no longer wants you to babysit Ella." Sara nodded because it's the truth.

Stacy sent a text message saying she found a babysitter for Ella that same night. When Sara called back to ask her why she had done that, Stacy did not pick up. She texted the next day saying she had been searching for a long time and she finally found one. Sara was annoyed with that sensitive behavior, so she did not talk to Stacy since that day.

"We'll go. I'll get some burgers...or you can't eat anything like that right now?"

"I haven't puked since I moved in. I guess Jeremy's apartment is the issue. Actually, I just got overwhelmed. You know me."

"You worry me," Sara whispered, but Tegan did not say anything back.

Even though Tegan was craving a greasy MacDonald's cheeseburger sandwich, Sara disagreed, getting vegan burgers from her favorite vegan place.

When Sara rang the bell of Stacy's apartment, Tegan was wondering what had happened to Ella's bullying issue. She wondered if Stacy would be nice or angry that Sara had ignored her existence for the past week.

To save her from wondering, Stacy opened the door. She wore a simple long dress. It was black and had small red flowers on it. Tegan thought it looked cute. The dress hugged her small breasts but then it draped loosely and gracefully around her small body. It was a maternity dress. Tegan wondered why Stacy was wearing a maternity dress.

"Hey." Sara smiled.

"Hi," Tegan said.

"Oh, hi." Stacy was clearly surprised to see them there.

"Can we come in?" Sara asked. "We brought dinner." She held the bag up for Stacy to see.

Stacy blinked, looking between them. She stepped aside, motioning them in. Tegan stepped inside first, taking a quick glance at the smallest place she had ever seen. Stacy did not lie when she called her place a shoebox.

"Tegum, Tegum, Tegum," Ella shouted, jumping up and down. She ran towards Tegan and squealed when the woman picked her up, laughing at the honest enthusiasm.

Sara put the food on the table. She looked at her friend, who was looking at her daughter giggling with her girlfriend. Her heart stung as she scanned the sad smile.

"I'm so sorry," Sara whispered. "I know I'm a terrible friend."

Stacy shook her head, looking at Sara. "You didn't do anything."

"Yes, I did." Sara followed Stacy towards the joined kitchen.

Stacy grabbed some plates. Her face looked restless. "It's okay," Stacy mumbled. "I know you needed time with her. It's fine, Sara."

"I feel terrible."

"Don't."

Tegan heard the entire conversation because Stacy's apartment was just one room. One queen-sized bed was in the middle. A round table with four chairs around it was on the far left. A very small television and one sofa were placed in the corner of the room. There were only two doors: one to leave the place; one that led to the bathroom, close to the _"kitchen."_ Tegan frowned as she carefully scanned the mess in the place. Clothes were scattered in every nook. Ella's dolls were on the mattress. Pieces of colored LEGO were all over the floor, making it easy for the walker to trip on them and fall.

"Look, Tegum." Ella showed Tegan the biggest smile ever, pointing at her lower teeth. Tegan noticed the missing tooth right away, faking an amazed gasp that made the little girl giggle. "Mummy said I'm gonna grow big girl teeth like yours."

"Ella," Sara interrupted. "How rude. I did not get a 'hi, Sasa.'" Sara pouted, taking a hold of Ella after Tegan had passed the four-year-old to her. "Someone's getting too heavy to be carried."

"Tell her that," Stacy said. "I'm gonna get a disc carrying her around."

Ella stuck her tongue out at her mother; something she had done since she was an infant. Tegan loved this action. Watching Ella running around; giggling; messing up words and sentences; hugging her mother's legs, she thought about how her own child would behave and look like. He or she would look something like her, for sure. But they would, also, look like the donor and that scared her. What if her donor was ugly? What if he had terrible traits? Times like these she wished science was more advanced. If only she could make a baby with Sara and get a child who has both of their genes.

Tegan busied her mind thinking about this topic while Sara kept adding more salad and pickles in her plate. Tegan ate without thinking about what she was stuffing her face with. She was hungry.

Sara knew her girlfriend was not mentally present. When Tegan thought and contemplated, her mind would travel elsewhere. An earthquake could be happening under her feet and she wouldn't notice it. Sara took advantage of the moment, adding more food in her lover's plate.

Stacy fed Ella, who kept moving, making her mother glare with anger. Sara offered to help but Stacy ignored the offer. It bothered Sara that her friend was making their interactions harder and the situation awkward. Sara was getting angry with the heavy silence. She tried to open a new subject, but her friend gave her short answers and her girlfriend was so lost inside her own thoughts.

After dinner, Sara pushed Stacy inside the bathroom and closed the door; she was determined to stab the elephant in the room, whatever it was.

Tegan found herself alone with the four-year-old kid. Sara whispered to her that she would talk to Stacy in the bathroom in order to let her spell out whatever anger she had been locking inside. Tegan couldn't say anything because Sara did not wait for her opinion.

Ella was ecstatic her favorite person was in her place. The excitement in her stomach couldn't make her sit down and relax. She wanted to give Tegan everything because she loved her. She didn't want Tegan to leave unhappy because she didn't get chocolate milk and a candy bar. Ella opened the cabinets searching for what her mother had shopped for three days before. She knew it was there somewhere; she had seen her mother hiding it, thinking she didn't notice.

"Ella, what are you doing?" the melodic voice of Tegan called her. She looked back, sadness haunting her face, sweat coating her brow. She couldn't find candy for Tegan. Tegan was going to leave upset. "What's wrong?" Tegan was so nice and she smelled so beautiful.

When Tegan hugged her, Ella rested her head on Tegan's shoulder and cried. "I can't find chocolate milk for you," Ella mumbled.

"I don't want chocolate milk. I'm okay. Don't worry about me." Tegan was nice to her. She loved Tegan so much. She wanted to live with her.

Ella decided she'd tell Tegan she wanted to live with her when Tegan put her on her lap. She turned around and looked at the hazel eyes. They looked like the sun she drew on the corner of the pages whenever she drew something. Ella giggled. "Your eyes are sunny." Ella forgot what she wanted to say to Tegan.

"Oh, really?" Tegan laughed. "How?"

"Wait," Ella said. She had to show Tegan; therefore, she hopped off Tegan's lap and ran to her backpack. She took out the latest piece she had painted. She was so proud of it because her teacher loved it. Her art teacher was the nicest, and she had a shiny silver ball underneath her lips like Tegan. "Look, Tegum. Look at this sun. It looks like your eyes."

Ella watched Tegan's eyes as they looked at her painting. She sat beside her _girlfriend_ and bit her lower lip the way she did, waiting for praise.

"Ella!" Tegan said. "You drew this?" Ella nodded quickly. It was all her. She sat all night drawing it even though her mummy said she should go to bed. But she did not listen and she colored every detail with care till her eyes gave up and shut on their own. She woke up the next day tucked inside the heavy blanket, next to her mummy's tired body. "This is so beautiful."

"Thank you." Ella felt big and old. She wanted her mummy to hear Tegan saying nice things to her. "This is the sun," Ella pointed out with her little index finger at the fiery orange globe on the corner of the white sheet. "At sunset, the sun looks like your eyes. I see it every day from this window." Ella pointed at the one small window in the room.

"It's so beautiful, El. You're gonna be a great artist one day." Ella covered her face with her eyes, hiding her bashfulness and red face. "Are these us?" Tegan pointed at the two girls, one with light brown locks and a purple sweater; the other was slightly taller, she had dark hair and a piercing underneath her lower lip.

"Yes," Ella said quickly. "And these are mummy and Sasa back there." Tegan laughed softly. Ella was a sweet little girl with a wild imagination. "We are playing in the park and they are watching us." Tegan could see that, but she allowed Ella to explain.

Sooner or later Ella was going to get hit with the reality of Tegan not being her girlfriend. Tegan couldn't get in the mind of the child, but she knew that shocking her with the truth wouldn't be a great idea all at once. She was in denial. Tegan looked older, yet Ella drew her as a four-year-old who was only a little bit taller.

"Tegum?" Ella asked.

"Yes, honey." Tegan smiled.

"I wanna live with you and Sasa. Please." Ella covered her eyes again, peeking at Tegan from the small gaps between her digits.

Tegan didn't know what to say. She stayed silent for a few seconds. She looked at the closed bathroom door. She was able to hear whispering, but she couldn't hear what the two women were talking about. They probably were talking about her. Stacy was probably telling Sara about how much of a bitch she was and how she was going to break Sara's heart. What if Stacy made a move on her lover? No, no, no. She had to shake these thoughts away.

"Tegum," Ella said again. She patted Tegan's knee as she looked up at the older woman with wide eyes. "Please let me come with you and Sasa. I don't wanna live here." Ella frowned. "I don't like it here."

"Why don't you like it here?" Tegan thought that she should try to understand the child's perspective before saying no. "Your mum is here. She loves you. You should live with her."

"Mummy is sad all the time. She cries all the time. She cries in the morning and when we're eating and when she is showering and when I am asleep. She wakes me up because she keeps crying. I don't want to live with her because she's always sad because of me."

Tegan picked up Ella, placing her on her lap once again. Her eyes were squinting in confusion. "Ella, why are you saying this?" Tegan whispered.

"Saying what?"

"Why do you think your mum is sad because of you?" Why would Stacy even be sad? Was she that in love with Sara?

"Because she thinks I'm hurt, but I am not. I am a big girl, like you. I am not hurt. But she is hurt and she thinks I'm hurt." Tegan felt lost. Perhaps it had to do with the bullying matter.

"Why does she think you're hurt?"

"Because daddy hit me and she thinks I'm hurt. But it only hurt a bit and it doesn't anymore. But...but..." Ella stuttered. She turned head back, looking at the door. She hopped off Tegan's lap and put her index against her lips, motioning for Tegan not to make a noise. "Mummy has a huuuuuuuge bruise in here." Ella pointed at her side. "Because daddy kicked her here and it made me cry, so daddy hit me and she thinks I'm hurt so she cries." Tegan's eyes dilated in shock. At this point she wasn't sure if Ella was telling the truth or making up a story in order to convince Tegan of what she wanted. Kids tended to have an imagination so big they'd make up brilliant stories in order to get what they desired; Ella was one of these kids. "So I want to live with you so I wouldn't see her cry."

"Ella, why are you saying this?" Tegan felt helpless, so she repeated her question.

"Saying what?"

"Did your daddy really hit you and Stacy?"

"He hit mummy every day. But he never hit me. He only hit me once when I told him to stop because there was so much, so much blood." Tegan's face turned pale. Her stomach ached all of a sudden. She looked at the closed door and looked back at the kid. "It didn't hurt. Don't feel bad. I'm a big girl."

"You are a big girl." Tegan picked up the small child. She hugged her as a tear rolled down her eyes. Did Sara know about that? She had to tell Sara about it. Why would Stacy hide something so serious?

"You don't see daddy anymore, right?" Tegan asked again.

"No," Ella said. "But mummy is still hurt. Big time. In here, Tegum, in here." Ella pointed at her side again. "It looks disgusting. I see it every day."

"I'm so sorry," Tegan whispered. She wanted to do something or say something, but she couldn't.

"Can I live with you and Sasa? I wasn't supposed to tell you this because mummy doesn't like that but you wouldn't let me come with you."

"Yes, you can. But your mum has to say yes, too." Tegan knew Stacy would say no, but she didn't want to be the one who said no. She wished Sara would get out of there already. She was taking too long and this day was taking too long. It was such a bad day.

Sara felt herself stupefied with every tear Stacy had shed and every word she had admitted. The professor sat on the toilet's closed seat and buried her face in her hands. Stacy sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried.

"I repressed it so much; all my anger; my sadness; my fear; my misery. I didn't know it was going to make me this...numb. I didn't know it was going to affect her. She can't interact with boys in school. How did I not think of it? Of course she can't. She had seen her father hit her mother every day since she was an infant and her mother did nothing to stop it. I am so stupid."

Sara agreed; her friend was stupid. When she and Jack went on a double date with Stacy and Tony, Jack told Sara later that this man seemed too possessive and too controlling. The only reason Sara did not take Jack's words seriously because she was having her own issues with Jack sleeping around with other women. But Jack always knew people; he knew how to read them and how to deal with them. When Stacy started to become meaner to her, Sara knew something was up. When Stacy visited her and Tegan back in 2014, Sara was informed that her friend was getting a divorce because the relationship was abusive. When Sara moved in with Stacy in Vancouver, Tony barged in almost every other week, threatening and shouting. He cussed Stacy, called Sara a dyke, and made his daughter cry. He was a disgusting man. Sara had never seen someone as disgusting as him. Despite all that, Stacy did not show any sign of defeat or chagrin. She woke up each day with a fresh face full of hope and energy. She made breakfast, she smiled, she mocked the people she encountered, and talked about random topics without getting bored. What had changed all of a sudden? The woman simply had enough, Sara thought.

"Maybe now you should stop doing what you do, Stacy. Maybe now you'd stop putting on this mean mask and stop pretending that everything is perfect. Ella will be fine. She needs time. But you...you need some work to do. You need to work on yourself."

"Sara, you don't get anything." Stacy chuckled. "Ella still remembers him hitting me."

Sara decided not to respond. Whenever she said something, Stacy said another, neglecting her opinion.

"Last week...when I returned early and saw you and Tegan..." Stacy didn't say it. Sara nodded; she understood. "That was one hell of a day. In the morning, my purse got stolen. I chased after the man but I fell. I didn't notice it first, but my left hip came in contact with the edge of the sidewalk. My money was gone, every important card in my wallet was gone, and I hurt myself. My phone was in my pocket so it wasn't stolen. But I wish it was, because then I got a call from Ella's kindergarten telling me about how isolated she is. I told you about that." Sara listened and nodded. She wanted to say many things, she wanted to hug her friend, but she didn't. "Then I came to your place and saw you and Tegan kissing. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot. I am so sorry that I'm saying this, but it was the cherry on top."

Sara lowered her head. She couldn't apologize for this thing; she deserved to be happy with her lover. Tegan was right; Stacy shouldn't have free access to her home anymore.

"Is that why you found a babysitter for Ella?"

"No," Stacy said. "I felt like an intruder. Whenever I'm in the same room as her, I feel her hatred towards me. I know she thinks I'm gonna steal you or something. I don't want to be thought of like that."

"She doesn't," Sara lied. "She's the one who told me to visit today." That was a truth.

Stacy didn't say anything.

"What about your purse? Your money?"

"It's all gone."

"I'm sorry," Sara whispered. "It's okay to feel sad and hurt and angry at everyone. You should know that, Stace. You've seen me."

"I know." Stacy stood up. Her hands gradually lifted up her dress. Sara's eyes traveled up the long tanned legs. Her friend held up her dress above her bony knees. "I'm gonna show you something, but I'm not wearing any underwear." Stacy lifted her dress all the way up to her toned stomach, giving Sara a view she hadn't asked for.

It was not the nudity that caught Sara's attention; it was the giant bruise covering her friend's left side. A dark bluish hue covered the waist, and a slightly opened wound, with the blood dry, covered her hip.

"What the fuck is this?" Sara said loudly. "This is when you fell?"

"Three months ago Tony came to my place like he usually did. I said something, he said something and, well, that's how it ended up. That's not the issue..." Sara's flabbergasted heart was beating quickly. Her fists were clenched and her eyes were dark. "The issue is that when Ella was telling him to stop, he fucking hit her. He never touched Ella before. After he hit her, he got out. She can't forget this scene and she keeps remembering it whenever she sees this bruise. I fell on it and now it looks ten times worse."

Sara began to cry. Hot tears were streaming down her face. The sight was disturbing. Her friend was stupid and hurt.

"Don't cry, Sara."

Sara shook her head. "You can't even wear anything tight and it's still bleeding."

"No, I can't," Stacy said. "It's not bleeding. I stitched it up on my own, but it's not healing. I tried to wear underwear at least, but it hurts me so bad."

Sara got up. The flare in her eyes was too bright and frightening for Stacy to look directly at her face. "I'm taking you to the hospital to get this stitched up properly."

"No, Sara."

"I'm going to ask Tegan to babysit Ella," Sara interjected. Her mind was made up; no strength whatsoever could make her retreat. If she wanted to push a mountain, she would do it. If she wanted to take over the world, she could do it. She was Professor Sara Clement! "Put on your jacket and follow me."

Sara left the bathroom shaking her head. Her eyes met Tegan's concerned ones. She was the mother of everyone and everything. All the weight fell on her shoulder. Her friend and her lover were her responsibility. It was funny how the tables had turned. Why did nobody want to go to doctors and take care of themselves? Humans always had to get burnt before they learned not to touch fire.

Tegan saw Stacy leaving after a second. Both of the women had puffy eyes; both of them had been crying. When Sara called her, she got up and walked towards her girlfriend. She thought they were leaving. _Finally!_ She wanted a relaxing time with Sara at Sara's place, in Sara's bed.

"I'm gonna take Stacy to the hospital," Sara whispered. Tegan furrowed her brows. "She needs stitches. It's a long story. I need you to distract Ella. If she asked, tell her we went to get some candy."

Tegan nodded. She already knew. She looked back at Stacy and watched her put on her Jacket. Ella was asking her questions. Stacy was lying to her daughter. "Don't worry. I'll babysit her."

"Thank you," Sara whispered. She kissed Tegan's cheek quickly. She didn't want Stacy's eyes to see the kiss. It was not a good time to project her love in front of her anguished friend. "We won't be late."

Surprisingly, Ella was very happy that they were left alone. She jumped on the sofa and clapped her hands. She switched the channels till she found Much Music and turned up the volume, singing the loudest she could in order to impress Tegan, who was looking at her with a lopsided smile.

Stacy had given both of them chocolate milk and a bar of Cadbury. Even though Tegan wanted to seem nice, she couldn't help not to roll her eyes at the older woman.

Tegan and Jeremy texted each other while Ella watched TV. Jermey was checking on his friend, making sure she was alright. They talked till they started joking again. Jeremy told her about Denise and how he liked her so much. Tegan told him about Stacy and Ella. She did not narrate the dramatic story, but she told him she was babysitting the kid. Jeremy demanded a picture.

Ella started getting angry at Tegan for not sitting with her. She took Tegan's phone when Tegan was in the bathroom and hid it.

"I need my cell phone, Ella."

"No," Ella said. "Sit next to me here." Ella pointed at the mattress. Tegan obeyed.

"But I need it. Sara may call."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you keep looking at it and not at me." Ella was a possessive child.

"I won't. I promise."

"No." Ella was beginning to irritate her. Maybe that's what Stacy meant when she complained about Ella being an annoying kid. "Let's look at pictures of mummy and Sasa." Ella put a stack of pictures next to Tegan's frame. Tegan had no idea where these came from.

"Where did you get these from?" Tegan yawned. She was getting sleepy and tired. It was only 8:00 p.m., however.

"From the drawer." Ella scattered the pictures on the mattress. She rested on her stomach. She supported herself with her elbows, putting her chin in her palms.

Tegan took a quick look at every picture. Her lips parted as she recognized the women in there—their haircuts, clothes, smiles, poses, and innocence. Sara looked so young in most of them. In one picture, she did not look like herself at all. She had very long brown hair. Her face was full of pimples and her smile was goofy. She had a very curvy body; Tegan noticed it despite her baggy attire. Stacy did not look that different. She was a natural blonde. Her hair was dyed in most of the pictures, however. Sara had blond hair in only two pictures. It was spiky, short, and adorable. Tegan liked it so much. Sara looked like a boy. Tegan liked that; it made her smile.

"Look, Tegum." Tegan gasped. Ella had handed her a picture of Sara and Jack. Tegan recognized him immediately. Sara was pregnant in that picture. She looked so beautiful. She looked amazing. She looked hot. "Were you in there?" Ella asked.

"What?"

"Were you in Sasa's tummy?"

Tegan's jaw dropped. Ella thought Sara was her mother. Ella genuinely believed that Sara was her mother.

"Is Jack your daddy? I liked Jack. Why doesn't he live with you? Did he hit Sasa, too?"

Tegan thought she handled kids very well. She was always praised for her patience and her warm spirits. But none of the kids she babysat or encountered were that delusional. None of the kids believed what their minds had summed up together. She was never mistaken for a kid by another kid. She was always the older woman they liked to play with because she was nice.

Tegan did not give Ella any answer. She collected the pictures and put them in their original place. She asked for Ella to sit on her lap. The truth hurt, but Ella needed some of it in her brain. She kissed Ella's temple, making her face turn red.

"How about we have a little talk?" Ella's head went up and down. She turned around to face Tegan. Her legs were on either side of the woman, who was resting her back against the headboard. "Do you know how old I am?" Ella shook her head. "Guess."

Ella pretended to think. She tilted her head to the side and squinted her eyes. "Ten?"

"I'm twenty-one." Ella gasped. "Yes." Tegan's laughter filled the empty place.

"You're old." Tegan nodded. "But how is Sasa your mummy? Is she one hundred years old?" Tegan laughed again, loudly.

"Sara is not my mummy," Tegan said. "And Jack is not my daddy." Ella gasped again. "And Sara is thirty-five not one hundred."

"Then who are your mummy and daddy?" Tegan could see that Ella felt confused and puzzled. "Why do you live with Sasa?"

"Wait," Tegan said. An idea popped up inside her head. "I can show you a picture of my mummy and daddy but you have to give me my phone so I can show it to you."

Ella did not hesitate; she took Tegan's phone from the front pocket of her hoodie and handed it to Tegan. Tegan smiled at the little girl as she dialed up her mother's number.

"Mom," Tegan said when Sonia picked up.

"Tegan, hi."

"I need a quick favor."

"Okay?"

"You know that picture of dad, you, and me on your lap that's in my room?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to take a picture of it and Whatsapp it to me. Quickly, please." Ella was looking at her, eyes wide with admiration.

"Why?" Sonia asked.

"I'll tell you later. I just need it right now."

"Alright." Her mother sighed. "Give me a minute."

Tegan waited for her mother to send the picture. She told Ella that she was talking to her mother. Ella did not like that truth; it confounded her.

"Let's take a selfie till mum sends me the picture," Tegan suggested.

Apparently, Ella knew what a selfie was. She clapped and squealed. She fixed her hair quickly and sat properly on Tegan's lap. Tegan opened Snapchat in order to take her selfie. "Smile a very big smile." Ella giggled and Tegan seized the moment, taking her picture with Ella's happy laughter. She decided she'd share it as a story, but she did not put any caption. She kissed Ella's cheek, making her giggle again.

Once Sonia sent her the picture, she showed it to Ella. She was four when the picture had been taken, and she was sitting on her mother's lap. Her father was sitting next to her mother and he had a funny-looking mullet. Tegan had a scowl on her face. Her eyes were teary because, as Sonia had said, Ted had taken her Christmas present because he liked it more than his own.

"This is you?" Ella asked.

"Yes."

"You were so little."

"I was."

"Your mummy looks cute."

"Thank you."

"Your daddy looks funny." Ella laughed.

"He does, doesn't he?"

"Yes."

"So these are my mummy and daddy. I live with Sara because she is my girlfriend. She is my lover and we are going to get married soon."

Ella nodded with a frown. That was easy, Tegan thought. She felt accomplished. Sara should thank her. Now Ella knew they were together.

"So you and Sasa kiss?" Ella asked suddenly.

"Yes." Tegan said with raised brows and dilated orbs. Ella blushed. She got off Tegan's lap and walked to the sofa. She sat there and continued watching TV. Tegan sighed.

Sara and Stacy took too long. The clock ticked till nine-thirty and Tegan was getting bored. She stood by the window and watched the empty street. It was still raining and it was very cold. In fifteen minutes, only two cars passed, and they weren't her lover's. Tegan yawned and waited. She wanted to go home and rest. She wanted to sleep in her lover's arm and forget this exhausting day. She wanted to change her clothes and be comfortable. She had taken off her Doc. Martens hours ago because her feet hurt. She wanted to take off her pants and her bra. She wanted to stay in a thin shirt and embrace Sara's warm skin. What was taking them too long?

She heard low sobs coming from behind. She turned around, finding Ella standing farther away with tears in her eyes. Tegan walked up to her. She asked her what's wrong, but Ella did not say anything, she only cried. Tegan bent down, worry masking her features. She tried to guess what had happened, but Ella's face indicated nothing. Maybe she was upset because of what Tegan had told her.

"Aren't you gonna tell me what's wrong?" Tegan asked.

"I didn't mean to," Ella said.

"What is it? What happened?"

"It's not me." Ella was sobbing. "It happened on its own. I swear."

"What..." Tegan parted her lips once she realized what Ella was talking about. One look at Ella's pants and she was able to notice what Ella had done. Ella cried uncontrollably. She was shaking and wailing. "It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry."

"I didn't do it. It happened on its own. I was going to the bathroom but it happened. I didn't pee, it peed on me." Tegan was laughing. She hugged the small girl and kissed her cheek. The more she laughed, the louder Ella cried.

"Ella, it's fine. I'll clean it. I won't tell mummy. Go to the bathroom. I'll get you your pajamas and it will be fine."

Tegan was smiling to herself the entire time she was helping Ella with her clothes. Sara would be proud, she thought. Sara would be happy. She couldn't wait to tell Sara. She was so sure right now that she had made the right decision by saying yes to Sara. It was easy; she could handle all of it. Ella loved her. Kids always loved her. She was happy to help. She was the best at this. She wouldn't let Sara down.

What surprised her most about Ella was that before falling asleep, Ella gave her a milk bottle and asked her to make warm milk. Tegan thought she was joking, but then Ella whined, demanding the milk to be put in the bottle.

"But babies drink milk like this. Didn't you say you're a big girl?" Tegan asked.

Ella stomped her left foot on the ground and let out a loud shriek. She was getting sleepy and whiny. "No. No. Don't be like mummy. I want milk. I want it."

"Okay, okay." Tegan was afraid of children tantrums. She was too exhausted to receive one. "Go to bed. I'll get you your milk."

Ella held her teddy bear and her milk bottle while her eyes were closed. Tegan watched the little girl getting herself to sleep. It was ten by now and Tegan's body was giving up, ready to succumb like Ella's. Once Ella fell asleep, the bottle fell from her lips. Tegan picked it up and placed it on the bedside table. She wanted to lie on the mattress, but she didn't want to put her head on Stacy's pillow. The couch was wet because Ella peed there and there was no place she could rest her head. She decided she'd lie on the mattress but not on the pillow. Her body curled up like a snail and her eyes closed. She fell asleep without thinking too much of falling asleep.

Sara helped her friend inside. The scene made both women smile. Stacy sat on the mattress next to Tegan's frame. Sara bent down to wake Tegan up.

Tegan woke up cold and confused. Where was she?

Oh, she was still here.

Sara was here, too. She sighed in relief.

"I'm cold," she said. She was shaking.

"Give her my jacket," Stacy offered.

"I have a coat," Tegan said defensively.

"Stacy, take these pills. Don't forget. If you want anything, call. Please." Tegan looked at Stacy. Her face looked...horrible. Yes, it looked horrible.

Tegan put on her shoes quickly. She stood by the door, waiting to leave.

"Thank you, Tegan," Stacy whispered. "I really appreciate what you've done. Thank you."

"It's okay. No big deal." Tegan tried to smile, but she couldn't.

"I hope she didn't give you a hard time." Stacy was trying to get up, but she winced in pain.

"Will you sit for a second?" Sara scolded.

"I need to change my clothes anyway," Stacy said.

"She was very easy to handle," Tegan said. "But she peed on the couch. I cleaned it all. And she asked for milk...in the bottle."

Stacy sighed. "I can't get her rid of these two habits at all. When she's shy around someone, she doesn't ask them to take her to the bathroom. And she won't leave the damn bottle."

"Karma for making fun of your friend all these years." Sara winked at her friend. "Okay, we're going. Goodnight, Stace. Get some sleep. I'll visit tomorrow. Enjoy your time off work."

Once they were in the car, Sara broke down crying. Tegan listened in silence. Sara said she did not want to talk about it; she only wanted to cry because it had been a stressful day. Tegan agreed. There was nothing to talk about. It had been a long fucking day.

Tegan didn't know how much she missed being half-dressed around Sara until she was in Sara's room. They cuddled up and made out. They talked about Stacy's situation for awhile.

"No special treatment for her, though," Tegan said. Her gummy smile made Sara's heart melt with joy.

"I never thought I'd miss annoying Stacy."

"She's gonna be alright, though. Right?"

"Yes," Sara said. "Physically, she'll be fine. Her stitches need to heal. Emotionally, it might take her some time. But she'll be alright."

"Yes. She has Ella and...us." Tegan's lips planted a kiss on Sara's supple neck.

"I'm proud of you. So fucking proud of you. You have no idea how happy I am that you're basically my fiancé." Sara kissed her lover's forehead. "I'm gonna have to get you a ring," she teased, making Tegan giggle. "Wanna make out some more?"

"Yes, please." Tegan could never say no to kissing Sara. It was the only thing that made this stressful day better. Sara's kisses were remedies and potions; they always reminded her why she's back in the arms of such a dangerous love. She could forget about all her little worries when Sara kissed her. This night she deeply needed to think about nothing but how to enjoy the presence of someone she loved more than anything in this world.


	11. Iron Women

Tegan released another irritated sigh as she looked at herself in the mirror. She stomped her foot on the ground like a child, and groaned for what seemed to be the millionth time since she had woken up this morning. Sara watched her as she sat on the countertop in the same bathroom.

Sara had finished getting ready ten minutes before her lover. She was getting aggravated the longer Tegan took fighting with the strands of her hair. Her student had obviously woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Was it that time of the month when Sara promised herself not to say anything risky to Tegan since two years ago when Tegan had won the prize of bitchiness? _No, no, no_ , Sara thought. It's wrong to think of her lover like that. Anyway, Tegan was moody whether she was PMSing or having the best day of her life. Plus, she had not gotten much sleep the previous night.

"Come on," Sara said softly. "We're gonna be very late."

Tegan turned around, letting her hair loose after giving up on the ponytail she had been trying to perfect for the past ten minutes. Her strands were getting longer and messier; she was starting to hate them. "Do something with my hair." Tegan pouted. She felt grumpy and sleepy and she was forced out of bed against her will. "Since you're forcing me to go."

"I don't want you to miss your classes." Sara sighed and got off the countertop. "Plus, we're taking an important poem today."

"I didn't even have breakfast," Tegan whined. Sara laughed silently. The resemblance Tegan had with Ella was unbelievably funny; no wonder the little girl thought they were the same age. Tegan was like a maximized Ella with bigger problems. She was adorable and cute. Sara wanted to pinch her ruddy cheeks but resisted the temptation.

"I'm sorry," Sara said. She stepped behind Tegan's frame and took a grip of the dark locks. "I'll get you coffee and something to eat as soon as we reach and you can eat in class. I allow drinks and food."

"Ouch, ouch." Tegan glared in the mirror as her girlfriend tugged at her locks. Sara put a hand on her shoulder and steadied her movement. "Oww," Tegan whined again. "It hurts."

"Don't you want a perfect ponytail?"

"Yes."

"Then bear the pain." Sara took the elastic band from Tegan's hand and slowly moved the hair she had collected in and out till Tegan got her perfect ponytail (minus the very few baby hairs at the front of Tegan's hairline).

"Sara," Tegan's whiny voice came again as she turned around facing the older woman, "I just wanna sleep."

"Babe, you'll sleep later." Sara sighed, brushing the stray hairs to the back. "Who the hell wakes up three times in the middle of the night to pee? I got so worried the third time you got up I couldn't sleep again."

"Tegan does," Tegan said. "Because I pee a lot." She yawned. "Because I'm always cold and always eating ice." She yawned again.

"You and your ice." Sara passed a playful eye roll before pushing her student out of the bathroom. "Come on, let's get going. I have to print out these papers before class."

"How much did I get in the midterm?" Tegan turned around, grinning widely. She had been trying to find out since Sara had corrected the papers three days ago. Sara refused to say, which vexed Tegan because she was sure she got a mark as bad as the one she had gotten in Modern World Literature.

"B+," Sara finally said. She was going to hand in the grades today. She also wanted to shut Tegan up and make her leave the apartment already.

"What? Why?" Tegan halted in her place. She pouted. "I thought I did great."

"Highest mark is A-." Sara walked to the door. "Come on."

"Who's that bitch who got it?" Tegan did not move.

"I don't know? I forgot her name. Someone who apparently never participates, so don't worry."

"Cunt," Tegan mumbled. Sara was getting irritated with the childish behavior.

"You got an A- in Creative Writing. You can still edit it and get an A. Move now." Sara opened the door, motioning for Tegan to step out.

"Wait. My backpack!" Tegan walked out to the room. Sara sighed frustratingly. She was counting to ten under her breath. She didn't want to yell or show her anger at Tegan. Moodiness had been messing up with her, too. The goddamn pills did not give her a break, not to mention the entire Stacy chaos (as she liked to call it) from the night before, which didn't give her much rest in her slumber.

Tegan came back with her ponytail swaying from side to side. Her grimace could make birds fly off with their feathers falling from fear. As she was getting out of the door, her phone started ringing. Sara called the elevator, waiting for this day to operate faster.

Knowing her girlfriend was angry; Tegan did not say any word nor delay anymore. She picked up her phone and sighed before even greeting her brother.

"Sup," Ted said.

"What do you want?" Tegan responded. She and Sara were exchanging awkward looks in the elevator. Eyes moved up and down each other's bodies as the humming noise of the elevator surrounded them.

"Nice way to greet your brother." Tegan could tell Ted was eating something. The chewing sounds were in her ears.

He was doing that on purpose.

"Talk like something other than an animal," Tegan shot back. She watched Sara raise her brows.

"Who's that baby in the picture on Snapchat?" Ted asked, alerting his sister. "Mom said you're gonna have a baby or whatever. Did you adopt her?"

"Are you serious?" She sighed as she got in the front seat beside Sara. "You're twenty-six, a dentist, and engaged, yet you still lack any common sense whatsoever." Sara burst in laughter. Tegan looked at her. She started driving with a wide grin, which made Tegan grin in return.

"You're rude," Ted said.

"I'm honest. I'm worried about you. Of course that's not my daughter. Ted, seriously, you know better than to take mom's words too literally. I am getting married and I am going to have a family…in the future, so don't ever believe it when mum says I am pregnant with twins and having a honeymoon in Italy. She has a wild imagination and she exaggerates." Sara laughed again.

"She didn't say that." Ted paused. "She said you're going to have a baby and you are a baby and you're basically ruining your life."

"Nice," Tegan whispered. She ignored the sudden pang. She took several breaths and swallowed her emotions. She looked at Sara, whose face did not have any hints of Joy anymore. Her face was focused on the road. Her brow was full of creases, ones from squinting; others due to age.

"Yeah…and I just thought you were, like, this quick, because, you know, like, I know how you feel and how much you love that woman…and yes. I just thought…"

"It's not," Tegan interrupted her brother, saving him from his awkwardness, "it's Sara's friend's daughter. I was babysitting."

"Oh." Ted paused again, longer this time. "I guess that makes sense."

"I have to go. My class will start soon," Tegan lied. She was still in the car. She still had fifteen more minutes before her class.

Sara parked inside the university. This time of the day the university was always empty. Not much students took 8:00 am classes. Sara loved morning classes. Waking up in the early morning always made her feel more energetic throughout the day. In vacations when she woke up in the afternoons, she spent the rest of the day lazy. She either spent it lying in her bed, reading or watching television; or lying on her couch, also doing similar activities. Having a routine and a job was the best thing in life to Sara. She had to do something in order to stay focused and positive. In the moments of loneliness; in the previous years, Sara was despondent in vacations. Hopelessness was her immortal friend, coming at nights to remind her of her lonely heart, lurking behind the sunny corners in the mornings to remind her of the emptiness that hugged her skin like a warm blouse. She thanked every leaf in the trees on campus for finding love again. Those weeks before getting Tegan back were a reminder and a shadow of those lonely years after her divorce and her loss.

Sara blinked, shaking her thoughts off when the voice of her lover stopped ringing in her ears. She looked at her student, who was fidgeting in her seat.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked. "What did Ted want?"

"I have to pee," Tegan said, "I gotta pee right now."

"Oh my god," Sara whispered unbelievably. "If we hadn't been to the doctor yesterday, I'd assume there's something seriously wrong with your bladder. Come with me to my office and use the bathroom in there."

Both women got out of the car. Sara took forever to unlock her office's door and Tegan was about to wet her pants. She regretted gulping three glasses of cold water when she woke up. When Sara finally unlocked her door, Tegan ran to the bathroom, locking that door. She sat on the toilet quickly, letting out a sigh of relief as she emptied her bladder. She looked around her and smirked. She was using the bathroom of a dean in her faculty. She wanted to tell her angsty teenage self this was waiting for her; all of this pain and happiness and confusion. She wanted to tell her sixteen-year-old self, who was madly in love with a man, that a woman would appear in her life and make her forget her past, present, and future. She wanted to tell her seventeen-year-old self that nothing was as beautiful as a reunion after a loss. She wanted to tell her twenty-year-old self that the eyes of her lover would become visible again. She wanted to reach out for her thirty-year-old self and ask her if she and Sara were still together. She recited in her heart a tiny prayer that she and Sara would last as much as their love lasted together.

"Here's one cheese croissant and one chocolate and here's your coffee," Sara said when Tegan left the bathroom. Tegan took a big bite as soon as she was handed the hot pastries. "You're that hungry? I'm so sorry, love." Tegan was rewarded with delicate lips on the corner of her mouth, making her grin.

"Thank you," Tegan said. She took another bite of the cheese croissant and a sip of coffee.

"Go to class now. I'll print out these papers and follow."

Tegan found a seat in the second row when she entered her classroom. Almost every student was present. They all feared Professor Clement so they showed up as early as possible to avoid the bang of the door slamming in their faces.

Sara entered after a few minutes with her coffee in her hand and her Modern Poetry book in the other hand. "I have a surprise for you," Sara announced. Her smirk stretched by the second, showing wicked nerdiness, which Tegan adored.

"Let me guess," one student said, "you're handing back our test graded, aren't you?"

"I like smart students," Sara said sarcastically. "You, sir, are very smart." Everyone in the classroom laughed.

"Alright, enough fun," Sara said loudly, hushing up her students. "I'll hand back your sheets at the end of the class. Today we're going to finally take my favorite poem…ever." Sara's eyes twinkled when they met her lover's. A faint rosy hue kissed Tegan's cheeks and a smile planted itself on Sara's face against her will. "T. S Eliot's _The Waste Land_." Sara gulped.

Tegan looked at her pants-clad thighs, smiling at Sara's expected choice.

"Are we gonna take all five parts of it?" another guy yelled from the back of the class.

"Yes, dude. All five frikin' parts. I just like to torture my students." Sara was always extra mean and salty with her male students. Groans thickened in the classroom, to which Sara responded with a tsk and a glare.

Sara began lecturing. She started with the title of the poem. She gave a historical background about WWI and about T.S Eliot. She explained the poetic techniques the poet relied on and the reason the poem did not make much sense. Tegan had already read the poem tons of times on her own. She understood it her own way, because it was too hard to understand it without reading all the literary texts Eliot was referring to.

"Isn't it funny that he starts it declaring how depressing and bleak April is? Why do you think so?"

None of her sleepy 8:00 am students responded. How would they know?

"Alright, I'll give you the answer. How many of you had read _The Canterbury Tales_? Or at least bits of it?" Every student in the classroom raised their hands. "Do you remember the beginning?" All students disorderly began reciting the first lines of the famous Chaucer poem. "Alright, alright," Sara stopped them.

"Ohhhhh," a couple of students uttered loudly, making Sara roll her eyes.

"I'm teaching a class of dead people," she mumbled. "So yes, the first line of _The Canterbury Tales_ opens up with April being the best month; the holy month for pilgrimage and cheerfulness. While in _The Waste Land_ , it opens up with a different image, showing that England is not so much of a holy place, April is not a great month, and life is cruel and sordid."

Sara talked more and analyzed the poem slowly with intricate details, making her students wonder how passionate one person could be about literature. She entangled each stanza and explained each mystery in the beautiful lines that she adored so much. Reading some bits aloud, she smiled to herself, remembering her debates with Jack and the way he teased her with the lines. Sometimes she wished Tegan was as passionate about literature as Jack was; sometimes she hated that she wished that because Tegan was unique and beautiful, and loving her was way more special than any type of affection Sara had felt before.

Tegan's fluttering heart looked forward to each line Sara recited with her euphonic tune. The harmony of words eased out of Sara's tongue with a soft rhythm, adding beauty to each letter and giving weight to each word.

 _"Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee_

 _With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,_

 _And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,_

 _And drank coffee, and talked for an hour._

 _Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch."_

And with the way Sara pronounced the German words, Tegan's goosebumps decided to declare their devotion to the tongue that was owned by the woman standing there, reciting poetry as if she was created solely to do so.

Then Sara stopped for the day before finishing the first part. She began to hand in the graded papers to her students. The noises increased in the classroom as each student received their grade. Tegan did not care much; she inspected Sara's body moving with confident swiftness in the classroom. She desired to place her hands on the curves of her waist or brush her lips on the softness of her skin. She craved pushing her face in the warmth of her chest and listen to her speak till sleep stabbed both of their consciousness.

"I don't get how she's a professor, let alone a dean. She can't even teach then gets tests from mars and gives the shittiest grades."

The harshness of the words cut Tegan's thoughts off, making her pay attention to the people murmuring behind her.

"I register a class with a professor I want and end up with this fag."

Tegan's chest tightened. She turned around, squinting at whoever was saying bullshit behind her.

"I honestly hope she dies." Tegan glared at the brunette who did not pay attention to her looks.

"I thought she died. Why didn't she die?" the other girl said, making Tegan use all the force within her to lift her hands up, ready to strike.

"You fucking…"

"Stop," Sara shouted, taking a hold of Tegan's forearm, placing it down. "What the hell is going on?" Sara's octave was high, not showing any hints of the melody it carried minutes ago.

"They were…they were…" Tegan felt the hot tears fill her eyes, making everybody in class whisper.

"Class is dismissed," Sara said gruffly. She pulled her student up, not waiting for people to leave before she dragged her outside of the classroom. "Come with me," Sara whispered.

The words of the students rushed back inside Tegan's head like the screeching noise of long nails on a blackboard. She had never wished for anyone to die. She couldn't imagine how cruel and mean people could be. Sara had seen enough and she was still suffering and Tegan was suffering along with her, and these women just declared their wishes of death out loud without a pinch of care. The heart that pumped blood inside Tegan was on the verge of explosion, she could feel it.

They passed by Dr. Austin on the way to Sara's office. The other professor asked what had happened but Sara gave her a look that only the professor understood, nodding and walking away. Tegan was crying like an injured little kid, like Ella the night before when she had wet her pants.

Sara unlocked her door again, but quicker this time, pushing Tegan gently inside. "Sit, baby," Sara said. Tegan took a seat and sobbed more. Sara placed her book and keys on the desk and sat in front of Tegan. She touched her face and looked into the puffiness of her rainy eyes. "You shouldn't have done that. If I hadn't stopped you in time, you would have probably been kicked out of university."

Sara was aware of what had happened. The scene stung her chest, making her knock over a couple of people's textbooks just to catch Tegan in time. She heard every whisper in class. Her ears were well trained to take the bad from the good because she was her worst critic and her best hater, a trait nobody knew about her but Stacy. Tegan was beginning to discover it slowly. Those students talked each day, making her hate herself in privacy. When she first began teaching, she used to cry in her office alone. She tried her best to be their friend and to help them. Only few admired her techniques and methods of teaching, the rest hated her. If she was nice, they took it for granted and teased her like the men in class usually did. If she was mean, they called her a bitch. At some point she stopped caring, but she still felt jealous of all the other professors who were loved. Jack followed the exact same methods of teaching, but all his students loved him, simply because he was a man. They thought that a man who's so passionate about literature was hot, but a woman so passionate about literature was just a boring, lonely nerd. It hurt her so much. The way she looked about fifteen years younger than her age did not help, as well. Men, especially, liked to treat her as an inferior even though they were years younger than her. People generally found it funny that someone so small, so short, and so innocent-looking had this sharp personality and held this devotion for literature. They always thought it's fake. She never won with them, but after winning Tegan's heart two years ago, she was the winner, laughing in secret silence. When she lost Tegan, she knew fate was on everyone's side and stood against her. Now Sara won Tegan again and she was waiting for the bad to happen because that's how things usually went. She woke up each day expecting to be hospitalized, and when the day ended, Sara said a tiny prayer that she used to hear her mother recite in order to keep her healthy and happy forever. Those were many, many years ago when Evelyn recited these prayers before tucking Sara into bed and kissing her forehead. It was before Sara was aware that her mother loved the person she imagined her to be.

"They were…I can't even say it." A louder sob came out of Tegan's lungs, making her cover her mouth and gasp.

"I know," Sara said. "I know what they said. I heard them. I know what everyone says and wishes. I don't care, Tegan. Let them say what they will. You shouldn't care as well, just the way you don't care when Emy's friends say these mean words to you. Attacking students will only hurt you. If they don't like how I teach, they can drop my class. They had the chance of dropping when they saw my face the first day. It's not my problem nor is it yours. Okay, honey?" Sara's hand squeezed Tegan's bony knee. Her eyes sent a wink and her face was smiling.

"It hurt me a lot hearing that. It shocked me that some people can be that…mean. They don't know the pain you went through."

"No," Sara said confidently. "They don't know. Nobody does know but me and those who have experienced what I've been through, and I honestly don't wish it upon any human being on earth." She sat back, giving Tegan those mirror-like eyes that she hadn't seen since two years before. Tegan's lips parted. It was that Sara face that hid thousands of emotions inside.

"How can I…" Tegan stuttered. "How can I show you how much I love you?" She blushed. Her beating heart gushed out love into her veins like fireworks in a starless sky.

"Just stay with me," Sara answered gently.

"I will," Tegan promised.

 **…**

Tegan took a nap as soon as she returned from university. She had been exhausted and sleepy. When she woke up, Sara was still not home, so she took a shower and did her homework afterward. She was eating a cucumber while laughing at a sitcom in the living room when she heard the sound of the lock from the hallway. Her excitement immediately invaded her thoughts, making her sit up as if she had been waiting for her meal in a fancy restaurant.

The first thing she heard was Sara's lazy yawn, making her giggle. Then she heard Sara's shoes before the woman appeared at the door, rubbing her eyes and yawning again.

"I hate freshmen," Sara announced, plopping down on the sofa.

Tegan laughed. "You say this every day." Tegan took a hold of the older woman, steering her body slowly to fall thoroughly on the sofa. A hearty laugh escaped Sara's mouth and her head fell on Tegan's lap.

"I'll say it till I stop teaching them. They're so dumb." Sara closed her eyes for a second until the crunching of the cucumber from Tegan's mouth made her open them again, looking up at Tegan chewing. "What are you eating?"

"A cucumber," Tegan said, taking another bite.

"I'll make you something to eat." Sara got up. "Come help me," she ordered.

Tegan followed to the kitchen as Sara looked inside the refrigerator.

"I know how to cook some stuff," Tegan said.

"Yeah?" Sara looked up, holding a bag of frozen chicken thighs, waiting for her Tegan to take it. "What do you know?"

"Just the basics. Grilling these or frying them." Tegan held the cold bag up. "Adding some stuff to make them seasoned. Jeremy used to make seafood. He cooked well."

"I'm a better cook, though," Sara said. She didn't need to ask Tegan about that, she knew she was.

"There's no comparison." Tegan loved to boost up Sara's ego because it made the woman smile and blush, the perfect combination.

"I'll have to go check on Stacy by the way." Sara was already waiting for the pan to heat up. She was also chopping some green onions.

"I'll come with you." Tegan loved to tag along with almost everyone since she was a little child. She was always the uninvited child with her parents solely because she threw a hissy fit before each event. Her mother was embarrassed by it. She liked to accompany Emy or Jeremy to different places as well, even if she sensed that they wanted to be left alone. She just did everything she could in order not to be the one left alone because being alone, to her, was the most disastrous feeling that she couldn't cope with. Being alone meant thoughts and thoughts meant destruction. When she was a little kid, being alone meant fear and fear meant rejection and loss; it meant no mommy and daddy.

"Oh, thank god." A thankful sigh left out Sara's lips. "I was hoping you'd say that. I don't want to stare at moping Stacy for an hour. I don't want the dejection to hit me."

"I feel bad for Ella, to be honest." That was another reason why Tegan wanted to accompany Sara. After last night, Ella meant so much more to Tegan. The reasons were not really mysterious; she saw in Ella innocence that she hadn't seen on any kid before. Ella made her laugh from the depths of her soul and she loved listening to what the wild imagination of the little kid had come up with. Ella needed a friend and she felt ready to provide that. She was not sure if that was her motherly instinct as Sara had told her last night or it was just her heart loving this kid so much, but it did not matter to her.

"I am honestly hoping she'll grow up without any additional trauma. She had seen enough. I want her to be safe, healthy, and happy."

Tegan was making the salad while Sara was stirring the vegetables and the chicken in the pan. She looked back at the older woman and asked, "Sara, why did Stacy's husband hit her? Like, yes, he's violent, but…is there any reason? Is he just sick?"

"She swears he wasn't like that when she met him." Sara shrugged. She turned around to face Tegan and continued, "He hit her when he was drunk. She said he was not an alcoholic and not violent but Jack always told me he seemed too possessive." Tegan remembered the picture of Jack and Sara that Ella had shown her the night before. Sometimes she wanted to meet that Jack, other times she didn't because the way Sara mentioned him burned her insides with jealousy. "He started drinking a lot after the divorce and he lost some bet or whatever and he used to come to her place in the middle of the day drunk as fuck and would cuss everyone and threaten to take Ella then go away."

"Wow."

"I always told her to call the police, she never did." Sara sighed. She turned around to stir the food in the pan again. Tegan, too, turned back to finish up making the salad.

 **…**

Sara informed her friend she was visiting, so Stacy was forced to get out of bed and spend some time in the bathroom making her face look less tired.

Ella sat on the counter, watching her mother apply concealer. Whenever Stacy was done with a brush, Ella took it, placing it in its original place, and handed her mother the one she needed. Ella knew exactly what kind of brush her mother used with different types of makeup. She had been watching her mother for over two years, memorizing every step and every brand her mother used.

Stacy smiled while glancing at her daughter's focused gaze in the mirror. Ella blushed and smiled back. Her lips were parted the way her mother's were while she was putting on a hot pink lipstick. Stacy pressed her lips together to even the sticky substance, which made Ella giggle. "How do I look?" the mother asked.

"Pretty," Ella answered. She hugged her mother's side, making the woman wince. Stacy kissed her daughter's head, pushing her off gently, not wanting to make her feel that what she had just done made her ache terribly. Stacy had spent the entire day in her robe, but it was time she changed.

"Let's pick a dress for mummy." Stacy took Ella's hand, leading her out of the bathroom. Ella ran to the closet, opening it quickly and humming as she went through her mother's clothes. "Which one?" Stacy asked, watching Ella hesitate between a plain black dress and a dark blue one that was a bit shorter than the first option.

"Tegum likes blue," Ella said, "so blue." Stacy raised her eyebrows.

"Blue it is," Stacy said to herself, taking the dress and walking to the bathroom once again. Ella followed. "Wait here, honey. I need to change." Usually Ella followed her mother to the bathroom even when she showered. Stacy found it hard to get her rid of this habit; she didn't want her daughter to stay alone in this place. But now, Stacy didn't want for her daughter to see the stitches and the bruised skin. What she had seen was enough.

Stacy stepped inside, leaving the door slightly open. "So, Elle," she said from inside the bathroom, "you really like Tegan?"

"Yes," she heard her daughter's voice chant. "But…" Stacy put on her dress, waiting for her child to speak.

"But what?" she asked when Ella took too long.

"She's old and she loves Sasa and will marry her." Stacy laughed. She stepped out of the bathroom, meeting her daughter's solicitous frown.

"How about you tell her you're marrying her kid when she has one and you two are grown ups?" Stacy watched her daughter think it over inside her head. It was quite amusing to mess with her child's mind and entertain herself with the girl's imagination and thoughts. She had nothing but Ella's excitement and over-hyper imagination. She was the fountain of joy itself that birthed life in Stacy's heart.

The bell rang just then, making Ella get off the sofa and run to the door. Stacy followed with none-stopping laughter. She opened the door to both women standing next to each other. She showed her best smile, hiding her misery beneath the clouds of her mind.

"Wooow," Sara said. "You look good." Tegan agreed with a nod, her lips were parted.

"Thank you," Stacy said. "Come in." She stepped aside, letting her guests inside. "I feel much better today."

"Hey, Elle," Tegan said. "Look what I got you." She held out a bag of candy for Ella's wide eyes to demand with their glow.

"Give me, give me." Ella's excited feet jumped, trying to reach the bag that Tegan held up, torturing the little kid.

"Nope," Tegan said. She glanced at Stacy quickly, smiling deviously. "I want a kiss first." She bent down, offering her pale cheek to the kid.

"No," Ella rejected, "I wanna marry your baby." Stacy almost fell from laughter. Her side started to hurt.

Sara felt lost.

"Oh." Tegan blushed. "I don't have one yet. But when I do, I'll let you marry my baby…when you're both old, maybe." Sara's eyes squinted in confusion. Stacy was still laughing.

"Mummy, she'll let me marry her baby." Ella clapped. Stacy held her thumbs up. Ella was rewarded with a plastic bag full of every sugary thing the kid's heart desired.

"After dinner, Elle," her mother said.

"Anyway," Sara cut the little party off, "I got booze." She held the red wine bottle up for Stacy to notice. She knew the woman was basically broke. She was too cheery for the miserable woman she had witnessed the day before. It was Stacy; Sara shouldn't have been surprised.

Stacy poured wine for her friends. She liked to see Tegan as a friend now because she was nice with Ella. Whoever was nice to her daughter won her heart. She didn't care that Tegan didn't like her anymore, she liked her daughter and that was enough.

Ella was watching cartoons on the floor, eating jelly beans and drinking juice.

Dinner was lighthearted for the first time in so long. Sara, first, interrogated her friend about her situation and the pain, Stacy denied the existence of it as if it was her job to do so. Sara told everyone a story of a clash with a student in class, which made her despise teaching freshmen even more than she already had. Stacy and Tegan were laughing, poking fun of Sara's anger.

Now Tegan was showing Sara how to use Snapchat on her phone but Sara was more lost than she had ever felt before.

"There's no point in teaching her technology. It took my grandma less time to teach her how to use Facebook," Stacy said, taking a seat on the couch next to Sara.

"I still don't get how your grandma uses Facebook."

"She's not as slow as you, that's how." Tegan snorted loudly, making Ella turn around to watch the weird laughter.

"Laugh, laugh at my misery," Sara said. She was struggling to understand what this weird app was supposed to do. "So what? You take pictures of yourself and send them? What's the point of that? I can just send you a picture on Whatsapp."

"It took Sara three months to get used to Whatsapp. She didn't have it on her blackberry and thought it's a _'neat invention.'_ " If Stacy's job was making Tegan laugh, she was succeeding. Both women, surprisingly, liked that much more than the rivalry.

"You guys are so mean." Sara glared at both women sitting on each side of her. "I'm slow with technology. You both can't…swim."

"Good comeback," Tegan said sarcastically. "I'll repeat. So you take a picture of what you're doing and you can put it as a story or send it on private to only the person you want them to see. It lasts mostly ten seconds and you can see who screenshots it. It's fun because you can add filters and you can save your pictures or videos and it's quicker than Whatsapp."

"Alright, alright. Let me try to use it." Sara grabbed her iPhone again. She flipped to the front camera and cleared her throat; both women appeared in the camera, their wicked smiles made her glower increase. She pressed on the circular button on her touch screen and the picture was taken. It was a disastrous picture, but she could admit in secrecy that it was funny. Her friend and girlfriend were laughing once again. She sent it to her only two contacts: Tegan and Stacy.

"Now you get it. Yay." Tegan sent a quick selfie back, pouting her lips as if she was going to kiss her screen. Sara received it and opened it, feeling accomplished, feeling like a little kid. She blushed, staring at the two proud smiles beside her.

Stacy then asked for Tegan's username, which took Tegan a couple of seconds till she comprehended what Stacy was actually asking. They added each other, but Tegan knew she was going to block Stacy when she reached home.

"So how's your health?" Stacy asked. Tegan squinted her eyes, not knowing whether Stacy was being nice to her or they were past the enemies stage.

"Good," she answered.

"You went to the doctors, you guys?"

"Yup," Sara replied. "We're both good." Sara was aware of Tegan's discomfort, so she answered the way her lover wanted her to. Her friend and girlfriend were getting along, but they were not best buddies, and Tegan was still uncomfortable with any close contact; Sara sensed it all.

"That's great," Stacy whispered. "Ella, time to go to bed."

"No." Ella shook her head without averting her gaze from the television.

"Don't be a naughty girl. I'll make you milk and you will go to bed."

"Yeah, we're going, too," Sara said.

"No, stay," Stacy jumped. "It's still early. I have nothing to do. I don't have to work until next week."

"Oh, by the way," Sara began.

"I want to babysit Ella each day after Sara picks her up," Tegan continued.

Stacy halted her decision of getting up to warm up the milk for her child. She looked at both women with confusion dancing on her small features.

"We know you didn't get her a babysitter," Sara said.

Stacy wasn't able to afford anything; it was not hard to see through the lie. Tegan and Sara discussed this decision before visiting the friend. Tegan didn't mind babysitting the kid, she thought it would get her used to handling kids and she enjoyed Ella's company. Sara wanted to help her friend because what Stacy had done for her was noble and memorable.

"I really wanna babysit her. I enjoy my time with her." Stacy's cheeks turned red. She nodded slowly, feeling embarrassed; feeling exposed; feeling like a bothersome being.

"Alright," Stacy whispered, getting up. Sara smiled weakly at her lover, who secretly pecked her cheek. Everything was happening too quickly in some sense and, magically, it did not terrify the younger woman.

Ella did not sleep. She walked around, drinking her milk and talking to herself. Stacy said Ella was hyper because of all the sugar she had consumed. The women shared a little lazy talk. All three had begun yawning, sharing sluggish laughter that exposed their lethargic states. All three were on different types of medication that made them want to fall asleep earlier than usual.

Ella faced them with the teat of the bottle in her lips. "You should seriously make her stop this," Sara said. Her head fell on her girlfriend's shoulder.

"I tried everything. I even dipped the nipples in vinegar and pickle juice; turns out she loves sour stuff." Stacy yawned. "At least she's not feeding from me like someone."

"Shut up." Sara blushed.

Stacy wiggled her eyebrows, getting up slightly, ready to spill out whatever had been dancing on her tongue for the past few minutes. "Tegan," she started. Sara rolled her eyes, irritation clear on them. "Guess till what age Sara sucked at her mum's tits?" Tegan's eyes became dilated, shocked at the use of words that came all of a sudden in the hours of languor. "Five. Till she was five. Audrey, her, and I used to play and she would take boob milk breaks every few minutes."

Tegan looked at her girlfriend with amused wide eyes, watching the redness increase. "Seriously?" Tegan asked.

"My mum was too attached to let me go." Sara sat up, straightening her frame.

"Wow." Tegan's high-pitched laughter filled the room. "That explains…a lot of things." She gave her girlfriend a smirk, which Stacy noticed and laughed at.

"That's really not funny. I believe it's the source of all my mummy issues. She's really attached in a…"

"Where's your baby?" Ella cut Sara off, holding a picture for the older woman to look at. The four-year-old was chewing on the teat of the bottle. Her questioning eyes were pure and innocent.

"What?" Sara asked.

"Ella," Stacy said gruffly, "give me that." She reached out for the picture, almost tearing it from her daughter's hands. Sara was quicker; she pulled the picture, her eyes not believing what she was witnessing. She blinked and took another look at her younger self with her swollen belly, her happy smile, and her ex husband by her side.

Tegan watched the heartbreak squeeze every happy sinew in Sara's heart and shatter every hopeful dream. She had seen that scene before and had witnessed these eyes before when she kissed her best friend in front of her lover two years ago. She saw the slap of the past strike Sara across the face and tasted the bitterness of loss wrap its arms around Sara as haunting memories all rushed back inside those terrifying orbs she owned.

"I'm so sorry," Stacy whispered. "I had kept all of the pictures taken with my camera. I really am sorry." Stacy's voice began to break. Sara shook her head, handing the picture to Stacy.

"It's alright." Sara got up. It was not alright. "It's just a picture." Sara smiled. It was fake, Tegan could tell. "I think Tegan and I should go. I'll pick Elle up in the morning to drive her to kindergarten, alright?" Stacy nodded.

"Goodnight," Tegan whispered, following the stiffened halo that draped around her lover, closing in and isolating her from the world around her.

Tegan did not say anything, she did not ask any question, and did not make any sound. She knew by now when to speak and when to hush up. Sara did not cry nor break down like the previous night. She drove with the metallic, inert, and lifeless skin weaving itself on her torpid, paralyzed flesh.

"Why did you take these pictures?" Stacy asked, tucking her daughter in bed. "You made auntie Sara upset." The mother frowned. The daughter did, too. "How many times did I tell you not to do things without asking me?" Stacy felt like she kept messing up, increasing the awkwardness of every visit. She promised herself today she wouldn't be that person who killed the life out of Sara's happiness, and somehow she managed to do so.

"I didn't mean to," Ella whispered, wiping tears falling from her eyes. "Does she hate me?"

"No," Stacy said. "Don't cry. She knows you didn't mean to."

"I wanted to know."

"I know." The mother sighed. "You should have asked me."

"Where is that baby?" Ella had reached the conclusion Sara had been pregnant in that picture on her own. Nobody told her that she had been. She always linked things by watching closely. Jack showed up a lot when Sara was sick, which made the child assume he's her husband or boyfriend. And one picture told a lot and spoke thousands of missing words in Ella's brain. She was simply curious.

"It's…" Stacy paused. She didn't know how to explain death to a very small child. She didn't know if Ella knew what death was. She was only four. "It's not here," she said.

"Where is it? Is it a boy or a girl? What's its name?" So many questions flew out of Ella's mouth.

"Ella." Stacy sighed again. She climbed up in bed next to her daughter. Her side ached terribly from the uncomfortable seating positions. She was only supposed to stay in bed and lie down. "I will tell you what happened, but you can't tell Sara or Tegan, alright?" She wasn't even sure if her daughter would get it.

"I promise you." Ella held up her pinkie for her mother.

"Good girl." Stacy planted a kiss on her daughter's forehead, moving her body closer. "Sara was married to Jack. But they got a divorce, like me and daddy. Her baby did not stay in here…she climbed up and…she lives above, in the sky."

"So she died?" Ella summed it up. She was way smarter than anybody thought she was.

"She was a very small and ill baby."

"Oh." Ella frowned. "Did Jack hit Sara like daddy hit you?" Stacy took a deep breath, closing her eyes then opening them up again.

"No," she whispered. "They just had grown ups issues. You won't get it, honey."

"I'm a big girl. I get everything." Ella paused. "So now she loves Tegum and will marry her?" Stacy nodded. "Are you gonna love a girl and marry her, too?" Stacy laughed. "People can love boys and girls, right?"

"Yes," Stacy said. "They can love whoever they want." When she and Sara were young, they both didn't know that was an option, and it was not for Sara's parents. Her parents were not that conservative. They did not care as long as she was happy. Yet, the only woman she fell for was her best friend, since those days she was a cheerleader and Sara was a tomboy with blond spiky hair.

Tegan entered the room, a yawn escaping her lips. She spent some time in the bathroom talking to her mother on the telephone and getting changed into her pajamas. Sara was on the bed, reading a book. Her hair was tied up in a small ponytail and her glasses were sitting on the bridge of her nose. Tegan touched her phone, adjusting the alarm that was supposed to wake her and Sara in the morning. When she looked up, she saw Sara's weak smile greeting her. The topic was forgotten, she thought, no need to bring it up.

"You took too long," Sara said.

"Talking to mom," Tegan answered. "How come you're reading? Aren't you sleepy?"

"Reading relaxes me." Sara reached for her black mug, ready to take a sip of the coffee that was probably inside. Tegan shook her head and smiled. "Coffee does, too."

Tegan crawled on the mattress, reaching Sara's seated frame. She removed the duvet, noticing the profoundly large white t-shirt over her body, failing to cover her chest because of how large the neckline was. "What the fuck is this?" Tegan sat crossed-legged. She lifted up the white material, finding utter nudity underneath. She licked her upper lip, resisting a cunning smirk. "This is like bigger than my dad's size."

"I know." Sara covered up herself again, but Tegan insisted lifting up the shirt a second time. "I have hot flashes and I don't want to sleep naked because you get too horny and touchy."

"You have hot flashes and you're drinking coffee?" Tegan shook her head. She smiled, thinking or scheming, Sara didn't know. She felt Tegan's cold hands on both of her thighs. "You know how Dr. Anderson said I don't have a high sex drive? Like, that's bullshit, I am always wet."

"Tegan, what are you doing?" Tegan pushed her head inside the shirt, making Sara's sweat trail down her face. "I really…am…not…" Sara gulped. _Wet…go ahead and say it. I'm not wet. I can't do this right now. I'm not feeling it._ Sara jumped, feeling Tegan's head on her stomach. "Seriously, babe, what are you doing?"

"Surprise," Tegan shouted, pushing her head out of the neck of the shirt. "We're both wearing the same large shirt now and it's still so large." Sara sighed. She shifted in her place to get comfortable with Tegan's weight on top of her. "You're so warm." Tegan's cold palms went up and down Sara's sides, giving chilliness to the heated skin. "See? I didn't touch you inappropriately. I can control it. I'm not even that horny, to be honest."

"This is why she said you don't have a high sex drive." Sara smirked. "You can look at my pussy and not get wet." Tegan slapped Sara's left side, peals of laughter evaded her lips. "But seriously," Sara continued, "you don't have a high sex drive because I haven't seen you touch yourself the entire time. I used to touch myself more than three times if there's no sex when I was your age."

"You're just a big horny woman," Tegan whispered, planting a kiss on Sara's upper chest. "Plus, I do take my showers alone, you know."

"I'm sorry." Sara put her book aside. She touched Tegan's hair and brushed the stray locks out of the way while the younger woman lay down on her chest. "You can always ask me to help you out, Tegan. It doesn't matter for me. I don't want you to have this dead sex life."

"Sara." Tegan lifted up her a head a little. "You do know these side effects will disappear, right? Just give them time."

"You asked your mum, didn't you?"

"Yes," Tegan admitted. Her small finger circled Sara's light pink areola, waiting for her nipple to harden. "So," Tegan wanted to break the ice, "five years, huh?"

"Come on," Sara said with laughter interrupting her sentence. "You're never gonna let that go, huh?"

"It explains your boobs obsession, to be honest."

"No, that's wrong." Tegan circled the now hardened bud. Her smirk was vibrant and youthful. "That has nothing to do with it."

"Pretty sure it does." Tegan kissed the nipple. "It's like my thumb sucking guilt, though."

"Which is why you like sucking my clit?"

"That just doesn't make sense."

"Exactly." Sara raised her brows. "Fucking Stacy, she can't keep anything in her mouth. She tries to let go of her misery by exposing other people's miseries."

"Oh, come one." Tegan pinched lightly on the nipple, making Sara wince. "Stacy seems to try so hard to be liked by moi, but she just can't win. I appreciate the attempts, though."

"Stacy tries so hard to appear as if she owns the joy of the world. This is the act she pulls when she's dying inside. I know it too well. I know she's a mess but she has to prove that she's iron woman, thinking I don't see through her."

Tegan yawned. She lay on Sara's chest once again. _You, too, try to be iron woman,_ Tegan wanted to say. "We're all iron women in some way. We all have our hardships and grief, Sara," she said instead. She closed her eyes, listening to the beating of her lover's broken heart.

Tegan fell asleep on her lover's body. Sara couldn't close an eye as she thought of the events of the day. It was a good day, but then her mood was down to zero in a minute. She tried to shake the thoughts away, but she couldn't. The picture kept popping up in her head, reminding her of the happiest times of her life. She wanted nothing in this hour of mental destruction but to hold that child she had waited too long to cuddle and enfold. She looked down and there was another human in her embrace, not as small as a child, but a child in every other sense. Innocence and youth blanketed her frame, and even though her breasts ached from the mass of the head that slept above them, she didn't mind at all. She kissed Tegan's head, sipping her coffee in silence, despite the loudness of her thoughts.

Her mental to-do list was massive. She still hadn't bought a ring, nor proposed like people should do. She never proposed to a woman, she was only proposed to by a man. But she had done it verbally anyway, so it shouldn't be hard. She would have to go house hunting. She would have to watch Tegan's diet. She would have to get herself a little bit flexible with sexual activities even when she was not in the mood to perform them. She had papers to correct and tests to write. She would have to take care of her friend's daughter and would have to make her own child. She would have to find a donor. She would have to set a wedding date, actually. Would she make a big wedding or a small one? She didn't have much people to invite, anyway. She didn't want to invite her mother, that's for sure. She didn't even want to tell her mother about that. She didn't want more outside powers to destroy her planning, the internal ones were perfectly doing their job. What if she couldn't afford anything? What if Tegan changed her mind? What if she was sick again? What if the baby didn't survive like it happened before? The questions submerged her brain, making her coffee dance in her stomach, ready to escape her mouth. Her head ached and her skin burned, and the more she burned the higher the pain increased in her breasts. She shrieked out of pain, instantly waking up the woman sleeping on her.

"What's wrong?" Tegan got up, pulling Sara up with her; she forgot she was still wrapped up in Sara's shirt with Sara.

"Nothing," Sara replied quickly, like a kid trying to hide their bad actions from their mother.

"Sara?" Tegan asked again.

"I…it's just that you were asleep on my breasts and it hurt." Sara's broken voice betrayed her, her heated flesh exposed her, her hesitancy revealed the truth creeping behind her honey-colored eyes.

Tegan pushed her body backward, freeing herself from the grip of the cotton material that hugged her lover and herself together. The student rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry."

Sara nodded.

"Cry," Tegan said. "Just cry."

Sara shook her head, tears doing the contrary, streaming down her face.

"Cry, Sara," Tegan repeated. "You need to cry and let it out. It's not healthy."

"It's not worth crying over past wounds."

"It is, yes. It is still there and it had been fired up today." Sara's tears rained down her face but her face remained frozen, trying its best to make the liquid freeze and become ice standing on her cheekbones instead of trailing down her chin with its wet saltiness. "Sob, weep, wail, scream. Do it, cry, you need it."

"I'm sick of crying." Sara choked on a suppressed, beaten up sob. "Why can't I let it go and be happy?"

"Because you're a human being," Tegan said, "and human beings cannot forget easily. We're not made of iron, Sara, we're made of flesh and bones and tons and tons of feelings. We're sensitive and we're emotional. We've been through a lot and we can't keep it locked up. I am not Stacy; I'll keep repeating it till you believe it. Crying shows me you're a human and you have feelings. I don't want you to be hard on yourself, I want you to feel everything strongly and powerfully and let it out the way you wish to. I am your lover, your friend, and your baby."

"Oh my god." Sara cupped her lips as her heart thundered thousands of cries due to the words she heard. Tegan reached out for her and the older woman accepted the sudden embrace, removing the mask she had worn in the morning, revealing the soft skin of a woman on her way to recovery.

"I will also be your wife and the mother of your child, alright? And then you'll cry in the middle of the night because your child wouldn't let you sleep, and you'll remember these days and laugh at yourself. But, please, don't think it's stupid or unworthy right now. Later it might be, but now it's important. So cry and purify these soiled and grubby emotions."

Sara cried and spent too long crying and telling her feelings out loud. "It hurt badly," she kept repeating. "It's like I was hit by a train. It's like somebody kicked me where the surgeries were done," she said, too. "It's like it was a reminder I'll never be able to feel the wholeness of love or experience the joy of a family, and the more I think the frightened I get."

Tegan couldn't say much but give her lover assurances that things would be alright. That's what those who weren't able to feel that much pain were able to do: apologize and promise a better life.


	12. Rich Bitch

Sara's feet couldn't carry her anymore. She wanted to sit down and relax for hours. She wanted a warm bath. She wanted to close her eyes and rest. Tegan was so hard to please and she complained about almost everything. At one moment during the day, Sara wanted to sit on the floor of the empty house and cry. House after the other, a neighborhood after the other, but nothing satisfied Tegan's standards of living. That's what you get for dating a rich kid, Sara thought; they only showed their upper-class selves when it came to deals that concerned them. Everything was either too small or too unorganized, as if Tegan knew anything about organization, Sara thought.

Sara saw Tegan speaking to the landlords about everything in the house; the tiles, the roof, the walls, the colors, the doors, the bathrooms, the arrangement, and the money. Sara, herself, felt lost when Tegan was trying to prove some landlord that the floor tile was not Travertine, it was Quartzite. "He wants us to believe it's Travertine. He thinks we're stupid because we're two women," Tegan said angrily as she left the house, making Sara follow her.

"But what's wrong with it? It's a nice house, and it's affordable." Sara got in the car and lowered her sunglasses, making it sit on the bridge of her nose. She was sick of driving. If they weren't going to find anything in the next hour, she swore she'd buy the place she wanted without Tegan tagging along.

"He's trying to cheat us. Everything is cheap in there. Did you see the bathrooms?"

"God, Tegan." Sara huffed, clutching the steering wheel tightly.

"I'm gonna live in this house and my kid will live in it, too. I'm going to choose something I like." Maybe Tegan was doing all that on purpose because she wanted Sara to give up the idea, but Sara wasn't going to. Tegan could step on her and she would still find a nice house, marry Tegan, and have her kid.

 **…**

"This one, this one," Tegan whispered her excited shout to Sara after touring two more houses and ending up in this very neat place. Sara knew Tegan was going to love it; rich kids always picked expensive things.

Tegan turned around to the woman who was showing them the house. "Can we please take a look at it and talk about it alone?" The woman nodded and smiled.

"I'll be downstairs." Sara smiled at the woman before watching her slowly walk down the stairs.

"Sara, we found the house. This is perfect." Sara wanted to cry right there. It was not perfect. She could never afford this house. If she bought it, she'd go broke.

"Tegan, no," Sara whispered. It was such a nice house, no wonder Tegan loved it. A spacious master bedroom with a big and beautiful bathroom connected to it, Sara couldn't resist that. And it had two other bedrooms. The kitchen was connected to the vast living and dining room downstairs, and Sara loved that so much. It had two other bathrooms, one downstairs and the other between the two other bedrooms. It also had another (very small) living room upstairs; Sara had already made it an area for them to sit and relax, watch TV, and for their kid to play. What about the staircase? Sara didn't want her kid to fall off or hurt herself (Sara was hoping it would be a she). The garden outside was just so pretty and so big, Sara imagined how it would look like taken care of. The garage was shaded and there was a nice place outside to have some chairs, a swing set, and a table. She could invite Stacy for BBQs in the summer. Ella could run around, and Tegan could do whatever the hell Tegan did when she was not whining.

"I can't afford it, Tegan. It's in Westmount. What the hell are you thinking? I can never afford anything in here. I'm not that rich, you know."

Tegan furrowed her brows, put her hand on her hip, and said, "What are you talking about?"

"Tegan," Sara said, "I am not…not rich. I barely have the money I have saved a long time ago. I can buy a house, but not an eight-hundred thousand dollars house. Where am I going to get the money from? I'm not…" Sara was going to cry, she knew it and she knew her tears were going to embarrass her. "I know I'm a dean, but I've been just reemployed three months ago, and the money I get from that is the money we live off."

"Wait, wait…" Tegan laughed nervously. "I thought…I thought we're buying the house together. You and I. Together. You know, it's a house…for us. Why do you wanna pay all the money? Why do you think you're the only one who has to spend? What's my purpose in this relationship? Just to get you the damn baby?" Tegan freaked out, and when she did, she couldn't stay quiet. She spoke quickly, she did not make sense, she stuttered, and she shouted.

"Oh my God, I didn't even say that," Sara said. "Calm the fuck down."

"I am calm." Tegan glared. Everything in her body screamed, everything inside of her was raging; it was fiery, red, and screeching.

"You don't work, Tegan. You don't make money. We're talking about eight-hundred thousand dollars, not eight hundred dollars, which I'm sure you don't even have. I'm the one who's providing for this family."

"Family?" Tegan chuckled. She swayed from side to side, her demeanor somber. Her arms were folded against her chest and her eyes were narrowed. "We're not yet a family. We won't be a family if you keep thinking you're the boss. You're not the boss. You're the boss at your work but you're certainly not the boss of this _relationship._ " With added emphasis on the last word, Tegan was able to cut Sara's tongue off quickly.

Sara only muttered something that Tegan couldn't hear properly. She didn't care if it was a curse or a quibble. If Sara wanted this, they were going to follow Tegan's rules. Sara would have gotten her way two years ago, but she needed to comprehend already that Tegan had changed. Everything in Tegan had changed; she no longer stayed silent watching her rights crawling away from her because Sara said so.

"What do you want then?" Sara asked with a cracked voice.

"You pay half and I pay half."

"How are you going to get four-hundred thousand dollars?"

"That's about two-hundred eighty thousand American dollars. I can manage that."

"No," Sara said. "I don't want your parents to pay. I don't want them to buy anything for me. I don't want them to help. I don't want any parents involved in this."

"I didn't say my parents are going to help." Tegan stepped closer to Sara's tensed form. "I have money, Sara. I've been working in the summer since I was fifteen. I've been saving since then. I've been teaching for the past two years, too. I have money in the bank; my own money. The reason I didn't work this semester is because my health wasn't so well and I was advised not to pressure myself more than I've done."

Sara didn't say anything. She turned around and looked out of the large window in that nice area that she wanted to turn into a TV room or a play room, or anything nice. She walked around and thought. Tegan tried to read her mind, but Sara couldn't be read when she spoke, so surely her mind would be the hardest mind to hack into if that was possible.

"Uh…" Sara hesitated to speak, but said anyway, "I think, I think that doesn't make the amount of money we're talking about."

Tegan sighed. She walked up to her professor and made her turn around. Sara faced Tegan with teary eyes. Guilt spat inside Tegan's stomach, making her regret her words. If there was anybody more fragile and sensitive than her, it would be Sara, which was ironic to Tegan. Nineteen-year-old Tegan would definitely find it ironic, she wouldn't believe it.

"Okay, I have an apartment in Florida and I've been renting it since I was eighteen. It gave me some money. My parents spend on me because that money was supposed to pay for my M.A., but I want to pay for the house. I mean, if I'm going to have a child soon, I won't be doing Masters for another three years, maybe. By the time I'm ready, I'll have my money."

Sara felt bewildered and astonished. She learned a new thing about Tegan every single day. Sara loved finding out new things about her lovers, she thought it renewed the perspective and gave the effigy of the person in her mind a new type of excitement. But this news was just different. Tegan didn't seem like the one who handled money at all, she didn't seem mature enough to understand deals. However, Tegan was so smart when it came to house hunting, even Sara could agree. She knew how to find the hidden flaw or error, and knew what's worthy and what's not.

"How did you get this apartment? Your parents, right? It's your dad's? And like, he gives you its money?" Sara tried to find out more, but the more she asked, the bigger the offense she delivered.

"My parents are rich as fuck, Sara. My dad buys real estate like it's some monopoly game. He bought this apartment and recorded it in my name. I am the owner of it even if he paid. He did the same thing to Ted. He does it to mum, too. He doesn't want his children to grow old without something that they can hold on to, something that gives them a living, you know. So I decided to rent it. He was okay with it and he helped me do that. It's my apartment, however. It's my money. I don't care what my parents will say if they find out I'm taking from my Master's money, I don't need it right now. I want to buy this house with you. I want us to share things—everything, like you said about marriage and that bond."

"You scare me when you speak like that," Sara whispered.

 _You scare me when you speak like that_ ; like the blazing orange sun; like the wild undulations of the waves; like the leaves falling off the trees; like the wind slapping cheeks; like a specter haunting a soul. Sara could sing it; could write it; could draw her, too. The inspiration rushed in full force, knocking the dullness of an old skin down; tying its ropes around the mind and the libido, scorching it, firing it, giving it a kiss of life.

"That's good," Tegan said. "Get used to it."

Sara didn't act on it. It was there, swaying and flinging the entire ride home. Tegan made the deal. She said she'd inform the woman whether they'll take the place or not within the next twenty-four hours. They were going to take it, Sara knew that, but Tegan liked to give some fake democracy, pretending she'd consult Sara again. Was Tegan always cunning or was Sara always sensitive? Tegan did cheat, but that was a different situation. Tegan teased, too…but she wanted to get closer to her. Tegan got what she wanted, Sara figured out. She got what she wanted and nobody stopped her.

Sara looked at Tegan's stiff posture while she drove back home. Should she tell her? No, Sara thought. A bath is great, she thought. A bath is nice, she thought. A bath would clean up the thoughts. What a wrong time, what an ugly time to be reminded that she had needs and they were pretty much welcoming themselves into her underwear. How sick, Sara thought. Harsh language and control turned her on, how strange. She laughed. She laughed alone but Tegan paid no attention.

She stripped naked just to try her luck. She stood in the room naked and needy. Grunts left Tegan's lips, and sighs of irritation added melody. Sara walked to the bathroom.

 _A bath is great, a bath is nice_ , Sara thought as she sat in the bathtub.

 _A haircut, a haircut, a haircut_ , Tegan's mind screamed. She walked around, not knowing what she wanted. It wasn't time to get a haircut _. Shut the fuck up,_ Tegan's mind responded to itself. _Goddamn it._ It's the feeling, Tegan thought. It's the old feeling. It's anxiety.

Tegan took her clothes off. _Shower, shower, shower,_ Tegan's mind demanded. _Sara's in the bathroom,_ Tegan's mind responded.

 _"What you get married for if you don't want children?"_ Tegan's mind sang. " _HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME," The Waste Land_ played in her head.

Was it wrong to call your mother when you were aroused? Sara asked herself. _Yes_. "No," Sara whispered as she pressed call. She tapped her fingers on the bathtub's edge. She wanted some answers.

"I felt so happy seeing your number," Evelyn said. "I hope everything's alright." The second sentence felt more like a question.

"Uh…yes." Why did she call again? Sara put her hand back inside the water. "Mum?"

"Yes, baby."

 _Don't call me that._

"I have a few questions."

"Ask ahead."

"How much money had dad left?" Was she a bad person? Was she bad for not even asking how her mother was doing? No, she was not because her mother did not care for years and years. She was not a bad person.

"A good amount, I guess. He left you some other stuff; the car and the house in St. Joseph Street. I couldn't touch those because he wrote in his will that they're for you only to do whatever you wanted with them, but I am using the car. I can sell it and send you its money, though. The other house was already mine, so I sold it.

"What?" Sara sat up straight in the water. "What house in St. Joseph Street? The one we lived in when I was young? We owned that?"

"He bought it back two months before he died. I guess…" Evelyn paused. Sara waited. "I guess it held some sentimental value. I mean, he was only able to gain some good money in his last three years. I'm still surprised he did something good."

Sara's fingers toyed with the water. The ropes untied themselves and the torch got cold till it stopped torching. "Did, umm, did dad love me?"

"I think he did," Evelyn said. "At least he loved you more than he ever loved me. You were the only reason he stayed, even after you left." That was just hard to believe.

"But he hurt me."

"I know."

Tegan entered the bathroom. _HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME._

"I don't know him. I lived with him for thirty-four years and I didn't know when he was angry and when he was happy. He was moody. He…hurt me, a lot." Sara watched Tegan looking at her red face in the mirror. Tegan's back was red and everything about Tegan seemed red.

 _The chemist said it would be all right, but I've never been the same._

"Why did he leave all that for me? He never wanted to see me. He thought that I had cancer because I sinned," Sara interrupted Tegan's train of thoughts.

"I don't know," Evelyn said.

Tegan turned around. Her chest and face were red. Her eyes were dilated. Her nipples were hard.

The torch kindled itself inside the water.

Sara sighed. "I'm glad…I'm glad you're free from him now. I hope you're not lonely." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "And thank you for telling me. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"You didn't let me talk to you earlier," Evelyn responded. "I miss your face." Sara looked at Tegan again.

 _You are a proper fool, I said._

"Mum?"

 _If you don't like it you can get on with it, I said._

"Yes?"

 _I can't help it, she said, pulling a long face/ It's them pills I took, to bring it off, she said._

"I'll talk to you later. I have to take care of something."

"Oh," Evelyn said. "Okay."

"Bye." Sara slid the red button.

 _What you get married for if you don't want children?_

 _Sara's mum on the phone. Sara in the bathtub. Shower, shower, oh stop…shower…shawwwweeeeerrrr. Stop, stop, stop. Sara in the tub. Sara in the tub. Sara naked in the tub. HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME. Stop with this poem. Stop. Shower. Cold shower. Relief. Relief. A haircut is good. I need a haircut. Sara was talking to her mum. She's angry. No, she's not. The house will be nice. Sara hates me probably. I'm a monster. Sara will never sleep with me. We're gonna break up soon. Sara's gonna leave me. Sara's gonna die. I will be a single mother. We won't get the house. Stacy will laugh. Stacy will mock Sara if I left. No, I won't leave. I don't leave. Sara will leave. Sara in the tub. Get out of there. I need you. I need you._

"What's wrong, Tegan?" Sara asked. "You seem tensed, more than usual."

"Because I am." Sara stared and admired.

"Why?" Sara's eyes gazed and watched. Something seemed different; alluring; attractive. Was it just her arousal? It felt great. She cupped her breasts and felt.

"I feel…I can't stop thinking and overthinking." Tegan closed her eyes. "That poem is stuck in my head. The stupid _Waste Land_ , it won't leave. My mind…my mind keeps reciting, I'm like you. I'm like you right now."

Sara bit her lower lip. A moan rose underneath her tongue. "Put some clothes on so you won't get cold." Sara ogled the lower half.

"I'm so hot."

"Oh," Sara whispered. "That's weird."

"I think stopping the meds has something to do with it. I'm so…I have hot flashes. Look!" Tegan pointed at her chest. Sara was already looking there. "And, like, I'm already gaining boob weight. Fuck this. I have an appetite again. It's good but it's bad." Sara's finger reached down between her legs. Say it, she thought. Say it, voice it, do something, she thought. Sara felt the other type of wetness between her lips. "God," Tegan yelled. "I'm so hot, I'm so bothered, I'm soooo…" Tegan groaned.

"Come here," Sara said with a low octave.

"Are you okay?" Tegan raised her eyebrows.

"Come here. I know why you're like that." Sara squeezed her breast. "Come here. Stand…stand in front of my face."

"Oh." Tegan blinked. She looked down and saw Sara's hand in the water. "Really?" Tegan smiled.

"I haven't seen you smile for the past two days. Yes, really."

Sara didn't wait. Her hand palmed Tegan's ass. She took in the aroma that twisted all thoughts in her head and muted all the unnecessary screams. Her nose touched the swollen bud. Sara closed her eyes and took a breath. She could die right now, and she could die happily. She pushed her tongue past the saturated lips and fell into the river of sweetness. "That's a bath I'd like to take," she mumbled.

"Holy fuck," Tegan screamed. "Who are you?" She put her hand on the wall for leverage but her other hand clawed Sara's hair. "Oh, god," she screamed again. Sara's tongue was on a mission and Tegan was losing.

Sara kissed, licked, bit, then kissed again and licked again and bit again. The tip of her tongue twirled between Tegan's lips and poked the hood of her clit. Sara was fast and her moves were sudden. Tegan's oath to stay quiet as much as possible was forgotten, her promise to show gentleness to Sara's hair soon neglected, her intention to act like a human not an untamed animal be damned; Tegan could swear she was suffocating Sara and cutting off all her hair.

"Yes, like that, like that," Tegan cried. "Fuck, Sara…Sara."

Sara smiled. "That's how I like it." Sara helped Tegan to rest her left thigh on her shoulder. "I like it when you're loud." Sara reached for a swaying breast and caged it in her hand. "I want you to grind on my face, babe. I want your pussy in my face."

"I like it when you talk dirty to me…oh my God." Tegan breathed. Her hips were swaying back and forth. She could feel Sara's tongue doing wonders the way it had always done. Sara was skilled, she never lost her skills. Tegan didn't know how she doubted Sara's bed games. They were still as strong as ever. Sara still made her scream.

Sara took the swollen clit inside her mouth and felt the shuddering effect it had on Tegan. The pull was the prettiest part; Tegan's moan and Tegn's face were enchanting. Sara stared for several seconds until her student began grinding on her face again.

While Sara stiffened her tongue and pushed inside Tegan, her fingers slipped between Tegan's ass, stroking softly up and down till they stopped a Tegan's other hole. Tegan almost jumped up and down. She was laughing and moaning and Sara wanted to laugh, too. "So good, this is so good," Tegan screamed. "Inside, inside…push inside."

"Where inside?" Sara smirked. She knew, but she asked. "Your cunt or your ass?"

"Oh, God." Tegan breathed. "Don't fucking let go. Fuck my ass. Fuck, fuck." Tegan played with her own nipples. She was floating in her nirvana, not caring about her promises, not caring about how she smelled, looked, or sounded. She was so high on pleasure that everything else seemed silly. All her promises seemed silly. There was only sex, and sex was the president of her mind.

Sara moved her lover's juices around the hole. She could feel the muscles clenching and unclenching; Tegan craved to be fucked there. "You're so wet I could fuck your little pussy for days." Sara pushed her finger slowly, watching Tegan suck in her breath and close her eyes. "And make you come." Sara kissed Tegan's clit. Her pussy was twitching and convulsing, her lips were spread and her hole was trembling. "And get you more wet." Sara kissed again. Her index finger began to move inside Tegan's butt hole.

"Ahhh…Oh, god." Tegan looked down at Sara's smirking face.

"And I'd fuck you again, so hard, and so good and so well, and you'd cry for me to keep fucking you because you just love it." Sara's face returned again between Tegan's legs. She performed fast circles on Tegan's clit and fucked her ass softly and gently. She felt the spasms when Tegan started cussing and screaming. She was enjoying it.

"Fuck, fuck…yes, that's it. Sara, yes. Fuck, Sara…fuck me….fuck me, fuck me, fuck me…" A sudden silence quieted Tegan's shouts. Sara felt the shudder and saw the expression of pure pleasure on her lover's face. Sara laughed.

Soft, whiny whimpers left Tegan's mouth as she sat down in the tub, facing Sara. She laughed one minute and moaned the next. Sara played with the water. Her face was flushed, crimson, needy, and embarrassed. She sat up on the edge. She pushed her hair back. She spread her legs.

"Oh," Tegan whispered. "You…you want that?"

"Yes," Sara said.

"What do you want?" Everything looked swollen and pretty—everything pulled Tegan closer.

"Rub me and…finger me, too." Sara leaned back on the wall so she wouldn't fall off. Seductive smiles were exchanged. They kissed for a long time as Tegan played with Sara's body. Tegan touched Sara's breasts and Sara's clit. Tegan kissed her neck and pushed inside. Sara hissed.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes," Sara said. She pushed Tegan's face on her left breast. She didn't care about pain as long as pleasure existed. Tegan fingered Sara and made out with her. It was sensual and delicate at the same time.

"I'm gonna come. Can I come?" Sara spoke quickly.

"Come, baby." Tegan felt the soft walls tightening around her finger. She circled Sara's clit quickly and Sara came. It was fast, but it was nice.

"Thank you," Sara said. They both sat back in the water, sighing and laughing.

"That was good," Tegan muttered after a long sigh of content. Tegan yawned.

"Tiger," Sara teased. She touched Tegan's thigh with her foot. "That was animalistic."

"Shut up." Tegan massaged Sara's foot.

"Oh, that feels good." Sara closed her eyes. "Your mind is clear now?"

"Much better." It was better, yes, it felt better. It was cold, not the bad cold; the fresh cold; the nice breeze; the relaxing zephyr. She was going to buy the house, yes. Sara's rich, too. Sara's got money, too. Sara worried for nothing, Tegan thought. Or, maybe, she worried for things she should not worry about, like money. Death was what they were supposed to worry about; death; sickness; pain.

"I still have the sex toys," Sara said. "They're in my closet. We can use them if you want."

"The sex toys you've gotten when we were together?" At one point in the destruction she was dealing with, Tegan thought of the toys and of everything they shared together. Tegan was certain Sara had thrown the toys, had gotten rid of the teddy bear, had torn off the pages of her notebook, had erased every memory they shared.

"Yes," Sara said. "I didn't throw them away. They're still new."

Tegan laughed. The image of that dildo she hated popped up in her mind. She still hated it, not because it was big, but because it hurt Sara when she used it on her. Tegan shivered. She hated that day. "Can we not use the ugly dildo? You can throw it away or, I don't know, give it to Stacy, she probably needs to fuck herself and chill." Tegan then imagined Stacy with that toy in her and almost choked on her saliva.

"Ugh, that was stupid. I'm sorry," Tegan said again. She covered her face as she laughed. "That was really weird, what I said."

"It was…not shocking, considering you're Tegan." But Sara was a bit shocked. "I thought you like cock now."

Tegan wrinkled her nose. The way Sara used the language always surprised Tegan, it's like everything was a bit more crude or vulgar when she said it. Poetry felt more romantic, sad words felt sadder, but when Sara cussed, the words felt dirtier; more exposing.

"No," Tegan said, "I don't like _cock."_ Sara snickered. "But _you_ do."

"Guilty as charged." Sara shrugged. Her face was red and her smile was genuine. "Keep massaging." Tegan moved to Sara's right foot. Sara moaned.

"Sar?"

"Mmm."

"What do you like more? Penises or vaginas?"

"Is that like let's discover how much of a bisexual Sara is?" Sara hated these questions, even from Tegan.

"Yeah?" Sara sighed. "No?" Sara shook her head. "Ugh, I don't know. It's just, you know, I had sex with Jeremy and, yes, it was good when he went inside but when I saw his dick, like, God, I almost puked when I…you know, I did the thing, and held the thing, and like, I don't get turned on by seeing a penis, I just liked the feeling. Is it the same for you or is it different?"

"Honey, you're pretty much gay." Sara laughed. "Being bisexual is just hard. I don't fit in here or there. When I was with Jack I was basically labeled a heterosexual, everyone around me was a hetero, the entire culture was hetero, and it was uncomfortable because both he and I didn't really fit in."

"He's bisexual, too?" Tegan asked.

"No. He's as straight as an arrow, but he's, you know, he's Jack." Sara blushed. "He's different from the heterosexual men we encounter."

"I see." Tegan pursed her lips. _He's jack,_ Sara said. He's Jack, Tegan thought. Fuck you, Jack, Tegan thought. Sara was blushing.

"Yeah and with lesbians, they just think I'm a scared, closeted lesbian who is a homophobe in some way, but I'm not. I like dick and I like pussy. I would blow a man and I'd go down on a woman. Although, I really enjoy eating a girl out more than, you know, sucking dick."

Sara talked crudely again. It was Tegan's turn to blush. "But, I guess, mostly, it depends on the mood I'm in. Sometimes I'm in the mood to look at pussy and pussy only, which is why Jack and I used to watch lesbian porn sometimes to get me turned on."

"Oh my God," Tegan whispered. She laughed loudly.

"Yeah." Sara chortled. "Yeah," she said again. "And sometimes I just wanna see…a cock, which is why we have that dildo." _And why I delete my search history from every device I use,_ Sara thought. She didn't want to confuse Tegan more than she was.

"So, you like anal?" Sara asked.

"Oh, fuck off." Tegan stood up, laughing. "I'm gonna take a piss. Empty the water so we can take a quick shower, I'm getting cold."

"Yes, ma'am."

Sara had never been so inspired. Words flew out of her heart like cold, sweet water flowing from a river to a steam in a secluded forest. The words twittered in her brain like hummingbirds flying from a tree to another in that forest. Her mind was green; her heart was blue; her eyes saw the sun in Tegan's when they showered.

Tegan was so beautiful, sometimes Sara loved to admire her from afar; other times she loved to draw her. She was in that mood. She wanted to draw and write; she wanted to create for Tegan. Tegan's so beautiful, Sara thought. Her face was so beautiful, her eyes were so beautiful, the mole on the side of her cheek was so beautiful and the one on her stomach was adorable. Tegan was so hot, Sara felt lucky she was dating someone so sexy. Tegan was so young, too, and that worried Sara. She felt the pang when she remembered her old age. Sometimes she'd be so lost in good thoughts and one irritating thought would creep in all of a sudden and worry her, making her lose her concentration, making her focus on that thing that's not really important to care for, but it made her anxious. What's wrong? What's wrong? Oh, she's old. She's so old. Her beauty was fading. She looked at herself in the mirror and compared her face with Tegan's; she was aging. She looked at Tegan's brow, Tegan had no lines. She looked at Tegan's face, there were no wrinkles. There were some on her face and they were increasing.

She heard Stacy telling her mother that after menopause wrinkles would increase. She was in bed feeling like death that day, but her mum was asking Stacy about the symptoms the older woman was going through. Sara was listening because she had been going through these symptoms since she removed her womb. Would everyone notice that her face started to look weary without make up? Would her students notice? What about Tegan? Did she like her face? Her body? Her breasts? Oh God, not the breasts. They were so saggy now; full and nice but saggy. She hid them right away. She looked at Tegan's breasts; she frowned. She looked at her stomach, at Tegan's; she looked at her thighs, then Tegan's. She took a deep breath. She looked at Tegan's concerned eyes. Tegan was so pretty. Her eyes were so pretty, so charming, so scary at times.

What was she anxious about? She forgot. Oh wait, it's the age. No, no, Tegan wouldn't be annoyed with how she looked. Should she ask her? No, Tegan would deny. Maybe she should ask Stacy; Stacy gave her truth. But…what if Stacy thought she's insecure? Would Stacy be happy about that? No, Stacy wouldn't. Sometimes Sara felt that Stacy rejoiced her lack of confidence. She used to complain about it to her mother when she was young.

"She loves it. She loves seeing me so down so she can be the one making me feel better. She loves seeing me so helpless so she can be the hero that saves me." She was fourteen when she said that to her mother. Her mother was still unaware of their relationship, or lack of one; her mother was still unaware of their sexual communication.

"No," Evelyn said with laughter, "don't be silly, Sara. Stacy's your best friend, she loves you. You're just a little bit too self-conscious and paranoid so you feel like everyone's against you. Gotta quit that attitude, young lady. You don't wanna end up like me." She hated when her mother said that. Sara's mission in life was to end up the opposite of her mother, and at the end, her mother despised that. People's ways were strange; life was ironic.

Tegan walked back to the room, feeling too exposed and too uneasy; Sara's looks were uncomfortable. She left Sara with her own thoughts in the bathroom. When Sara thought, she built a wall of stone that isolated her from the closest person, and that was her own self. Sara was intimidating when she thought. Tegan hated when Sara was quiet, the opposite of that poem that said something like, like…Tegan forgot.

Sara followed her. Her eyes were still burning thousands of holes in Tegan's entire frame. Tegan wanted to grab clothes, get dressed, and go to bed quickly. Did she hurt Sara? Maybe it was like old times. Tegan exhaled. Sara was hiding and she was there but she was not there. Tegan hated that, she hated these eyes and that look and these thoughts and that quietude.

Oh…the poem went like that: _I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent,/ and you hear me from far away, and my voice does not touch you./ It looks as though your eyes had flown away/ and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth_.

No. Tegan didn't like that. Maybe Sara did. But no, quiet was…loud, not peaceful, not beautiful; it was violent, vicious, angry. Quiet was like hollering in an empty, rotten forest where nobody heard you but the stupid wind and the dying trees. Not even the birds were there, not even the sound of the water or the whistle of the air. Quiet was not likable.

"Don't dress," Sara said suddenly. It felt loud, rushed, as if she was about to save someone from crossing the road while a car was about to run them over.

Tegan turned around, holding her shirt. "What?"

"Don't get dressed just yet," Sara shyly said. "I feel quite inspired. I wanna draw you and write a bit about you. You know, I wanna…" Sara giggled, hiding her face.

"Oh." Tegan felt stupid, silly, and dramatic. "B…but, it's kinda cold."

"Oh," Sara said. "I just really wanna start this new thing. I wanna draw your naked body each month till you…give birth."

"I'm not pregnant yet." Tegan swallowed.

"I know." Sara laughed nervously. She took the shirt Tegan had in her hands and put it on. "I wanna see the changes with my drawing. Please." Sara sighed. "I want us to conceive soon."

"Sara, I'm not sure." Tegan sat on the bed. "Is that what you were thinking about in the bathroom while you were looking at my body?"

"Just like that, yes. Stay," Sara said. She adjusted Tegan's body. Tegan lay on the bed with her legs naturally spread without exposing much. "Tilt your head to the side. Yes, just like that." Tegan sighed.

"Draw me like one of your French girls." Sara laughed. "Why don't we just take pictures instead?"

"Nudes?" Sara smirked. "I'm afraid I'll end up using them for other purposes."

"You're nasty," Tegan mumbled. "Can you hurry? I'm cold and I feel too exposed."

Sara fetched her old notebook, which Tegan had put in the drawer of her nightstand. "Can I use it?"

"It's yours."

"Thank you," Sara murmured. Sara sat on a chair, facing Tegan. She opened a new page and took a breath. "I'm gonna use coal," she said to herself. She looked up at Tegan and smiled. "I was thinking about how beautiful your face and body are and how ugly and old mine probably are compared to yours." Sara blushed. She promised herself she wouldn't be this self-deprecating; she wouldn't tell; she wouldn't beg and plead for attention, but she did, and now Tegan was going to tell her to shut up and tell her how beautiful and charming she was, and it would satisfy her ego and she would feel better. How pathetic was that.

"The only thing old about you is your sight. Wear your glasses, babe." Tegan shook her head. Sara threw her head back in melodic laughter. "My body will probably be ruined forever after pregnancy so enjoy it while you can." Tegan slapped her thigh. "Ouch." Sara couldn't stop laughing. Tegan was also hilarious; she loved her so much.

"So I was thinking we'll start umm…June?" Sara bit her lip in anticipation.

"That's in two months." Sara nodded. "What about my wisdom teeth?"

Sara sighed. "Tegan, remove them next month."

"When are we going to get married? I don't want a wedding. Just a court wedding like we agreed."

"Soon. After you graduate, like you wanted."

"Everything is going too fast," Tegan whispered, pouting. "Don't you wanna at least enjoy this?" Tegan cupped one breast. "Before it gets too ugly and leaky and disgusting?" Tegan laughed. "Oh my God, I can't imagine me pregnant with leaky nipples and stretched vagina. Don't you wanna enjoy _that_ before it gets too big?" Tegan pointed between her legs.

"You're so ignorant at times," Sara said playfully. "Nothing will be too big, don't worry. Everything will be back the way it was before, with slight beautiful changes. Look at my body, besides the saggy boobs, it's normal, you know."

"Your body's amazing," Tegan said. "You didn't have a natural birth. You want me to have a natural one, even though I don't want to."

"It's easier, trust me. I kinda had both at the same time. She didn't want to come out, so they took her out with a c-section." Sara cleared her throat. Tegan didn't want to talk more about Alice.

Sara moved her hand on the paper, drawing, editing, gazing. "Anyway, it's too early to discuss that," Sara mumbled. The thought of it made her stomach churn. It felt too good to be true at times. It felt too scary to think about. She worried Tegan would get as hurt as she had been. "So are we good on June? Because we have to find a donor."

"Alright." Tegan felt nauseous all of a sudden.

Tegan couldn't sleep at all. Sara was fast asleep, and she was peacefully snoring. Was she always going to stay like that? Was she always going to say yes when she meant to say no? She would have talked about the argument they had in the afternoon while they were at that house. She shouldn't have forgotten about it, she shouldn't have ignored it. Why did she act as if things didn't happen?

June, June—June felt too close. What about her life? Her career? That could wait, right? Right. She sighed. She turned around and looked at Sara. Sara was mumbling incoherent words in her sleep. Was she happy? Was Sara happy? Yes, she was happy. Seeing Sara healthy made her happy. She stroked Sara's hair. She hummed for her to stop talking in her sleep.

She felt hungry. They didn't have anything to eat. How did Sara forget? Her stomach growled. Sara slapped her face with the back of her hand. Sara was shifting and moving in her sleep. Sometimes she wished she'd tie Sara's arms to the headboard. This had been the third time this week she'd been hit by Sara while Sara was asleep. Two nights before Tegan woke up at dawn finding her body close to the edge of the mattress, squeezed by Sara's frame. Her stomach growled again. Sara wouldn't stop talking.

"What are you even dreaming of?" Tegan whispered. "Are you dreaming about World War or something? Seems wild."

"Yeah, yeah," Sara said in her sleep. "Just give me these." That was the only thing Tegan could grasp from the mumbling.

"Sara." Tegan shook Sara's arm. "Sara, wake up."

"Mmmm." Sara groaned.

"Wake up. I'm hungry." Tegan rolled over on top of her lover. She knew she was probably annoying her, but she thought maybe Sara would think it's adorable. "Make me food."

"Are you serious?" Sara languidly said with her eyes still closed. Tegan kissed Sara's jaw. "Tegan," Sara moaned.

"I'm very, very hungry. We didn't eat." Tegan sat up, straddling Sara's hips. "Wake up." Tegan began to bounce. "Wake up." She giggled.

"Tegan." Sara opened her eyes. "Are you hungry or horny?"

"No, I'm hungry," Tegan said. "I'm riding you like a horsie so you'll get up."

"Like a horsie?" Sara guffawed. "You're adorable." Tegan succeeded. She sent a gummy smile Sara's way. "I can't believe you woke me up because you're hungry."

"It's the weekend. We can sleep whenever we want." She leaned down kissing her lover's rose-colored lips. "Plus, would you want little Teetee to stay hungry?"

"Of course I wouldn't." Sara smiled.

They went to the kitchen. Sara decided she would fry some chicken nuggets. She really didn't want to be in the kitchen in that hour, but Tegan was hungry. She didn't want to tell Tegan to go make her own food because that felt mean. She didn't want to be mean towards Tegan. She looked back at Tegan, who was bending down and playing with her hair.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sara said. "No…don't do that in the kitchen." Tegan was shaking her hair and ruffling it. "Do you have lice?"

Tegan sat up straight. She looked like Tarzan, Sara thought. Yes, Tarzan. "I have dandruff." Tegan yawned. "I have to get a haircut. Will you cut my hair?"

"Me?" Tegan nodded. "I might ruin it for you."

"You won't. I just need it cut. Like, right now."

"Now?"

"Yes, now. After food. Please."

"Why don't you go to the hairdresser, Tegan? I'm not the best at giving haircuts."

"Hell no," Tegan said. "I'm not paying to get a haircut. If I got the scissors why not do it at home?"

"You know, you're pretty cheap for a rich bitch," Sara said.

"Rich bitch." Tegan snorted. "Nice, nice."

Sara pulled a chair to the bathroom and told Tegan to sit on it. She grabbed the scissors and the comb. She was shivering, not because she was scared she'd mess up Tegan's hair (she knew she would), but because a sudden wave of chilliness hovered over her. She remembered she was only wearing a shirt.

"I'll be right back," she whispered. On her way back to the room, she felt dizzy. She sat on her bed for a few seconds. She put on her robe and walked back to the bathroom. "Felt cold and dizzy all of a sudden."

"Oh." Tegan furrowed her brows. "Maybe because you're sleepy." Sara nodded. "I'm so sorry." Sara smiled unconvincingly. Tegan watched her lover cut her hair lazily.

"So, are you getting a haircut because you're seeing Emy tomorrow?" Sara asked. The thought had been dancing inside her head for the past hour. No, it was not dancing, it was jumping. Yes, jumping, leaping, kicking, and bouncing. Emy was back, how unlucky Sara felt. Emy didn't cause a threat, but she was Emy; the girl that loved her lover.

Tegan raised one eyebrow. "Yes, definitely. It's for Emy. I want her to see how fucking hot I am." Tegan rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Sara laughed, a bit relieved; a bit unsettled. "I just get these umm, you know, I get, umm, jealous."

"It's your right," Tegan mumbled. "Are you gonna get a haircut?"

"You hate my hair?" Sara stopped working. She touched her locks and frowned.

"I love your hair. I'm just not used to it this long."

"It makes me look old, doesn't it?" Sara sighed.

"No, no. Oh my God, I'm such an idiot." Tegan sighed. "No, Sara. I really love your hair. It was just a random question. I don't know why I asked it. I get a bit random when I'm sleepy." Sara didn't believe her.

 **…**

Tegan took a look at herself in the mirror; that was not bad, she thought. Sara cupped her mouth and laughed. "I'm so sorry. Shit. I'm so sorry," she kept mouthing and laughing.

"Are you kidding? I fucking love it. That's so fucking cool." She had wanted a strange haircut since she was in high school, but her hairdresser never absorbed that. "Fuck, I wanted this since ever. It's like half a mullet, half a bob. I don't know, man. I love it."

"It's like a grown out mullet, yes." Sara brushed the hair off her lover's face. "I think I gave you my dad's haircut when he was your age," Sara mumbled.

"Yes. My dad had that haircut, too. And a beard. It was nice. I looked at his pictures and wanted it when I was five."

"I had a mullet when I was five," Sara said. "Dad gave me the haircut. I guess we have more in common than I'd like to admit."

Tegan smiled genuinely. "That was nice of him," Tegan said. "The car and the house, I mean."

"Oh." Sara chuckled. "I guess, yes."

"It doesn't mean he was a good person." Tegan paused. "But maybe he realized it a bit later."

"Yes." Sara looked down.

Tegan brushed Sara's own hair. She held her face, looking at her sad eyes. "I'm happy that your mother is...trying."

"Me, too."

"If you wanna talk about it, Sara, I'm here." Tegan kissed her. Sara smiled during the kiss. Relief finally sat in.

"Yes. Thank you." Sara blushed.

 **…**

Five in the afternoon, the weather was amazing, April was good this year, but Sara felt immensely cold. She protected her tired body in her coat and walked to where her friend was sitting. She saw the kids playing. She saw Ella playing. Ella smiled and waved. Sara smiled and waved, too. Stacy looked back at Sara. Sara smiled and waved again.

Sara sat down next to her friend in the park. She sighed as soon as she sat. Something felt quite unnatural. She shivered.

"Is it cold or it's just me?" It was strange for her to feel cold.

"It's a bit chilly, yes. I hope Ella's not too cold." Stacy looked at Sara. "How are you?"

"Good. I feel a bit sluggish."

"You seem a bit tired." Stacy noticed the bags underneath her friend's eyes. She hadn't seen them since she had first moved to Montreal. "Where's Tegan?" Did they fight? Stacy wondered. Maybe they've been having sex, she thought.

"I dropped her off at her friend's," Sara said. "I woke up this morning not feeling very active. I guess I've stressed myself out this past week."

"I'm sorry." Stacy didn't know what else to say. "You found a house?"

"Yes. In Westmount." Sara chuckled. "Rich bitch wants this house and no other." Sara sighed. "I'm the only one who can call her that, alright?" she said.

Stacy nodded. "How are you gonna pay?"

"We both are going to pay." Some people struggle to pay a room's rent and some people are living in the best area in town, Stacy thought. _Where did I go wrong?_ she wondered. "Do you think I need a haircut?" Sara asked.

"No, you're fine," Stacy said. "Just don't let it grow to your ass like you did in high school." Sara laughed. "So she's with that friend she slept with?"

"And Emy." Sara sighed. Maybe that's why she felt strange and bothered, Sara thought. She didn't want to feel that way, but she felt it.

"So you're okay that she's with the man she slept with and the woman she cheated on you with? Wow, you're so fucking easy." Stacy shook her head.

When challenged, Sara attacked. "Excuse me?" She looked at her friend with vexed eyes. "Are you even hearing yourself right now?"

"I just don't want you to get hurt, Sara. That's why you're probably so fucking stressed out. You know it, don't deny it. You're worried. I know you."

"I just wish you'd stop assuming you know me better than me." Sara shook her head. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._ She took a breath. Her head hurt. She closed her eyes as a new wave of pain hit the left side of her head. What was happening? "We slept together for years and here I am with you. Tegan doesn't think anything of it."

"Because she trusts you and trusts me. She knows I won't make a move on you."

"Because you didn't try," Sara said sarcastically. She shook her head. That was ridiculous, she thought.

"You weren't with her. I was desperate. I thought maybe I had a chance." Stacy puffed. Ella watched the two women arguing. She stopped playing and watched with squinted eyes.

"Glad to know I'm an option of fulfillment to your desperation."

"I didn't mean it that way."

Sara didn't say anything. Everything seemed pointless. Everything seemed silly. Her day was bad. She woke up in the morning feeling like she needed to sleep for ages. Tegan talked to the landlord of the house and arranged everything with her. Sara couldn't even read a book because reading felt like a heavy task. She thought by going to the park and enjoying the company of her friend she'd feel refreshed—she was wrong.

 **…**

Making up with your friends was the greatest feeling that Tegan hadn't appreciated till now. She missed them; she missed hanging out with her friends. She missed talking to them, laughing with them, drinking with them, and smoking with them. However, none of her friends smoked anymore. She certainly didn't even think about weed until Jeremy joked about getting it.

"No weed. No whiskey. I'm healthy, I'm clean. I'm better," Emy said. "I'm better." Tegan smiled when Emy smiled at her.

"I'm happy you're in a better place now. I really am," Tegan said.

"I'm happy you are healthy now. You look like my friend Tegan, not this very unhealthy-looking, pale kid who fainted everywhere," Emy said.

"I'm happy you guys are friends again. It was torturous for me, you know," Jeremy said.

"Loss is…" Emy chuckled. "I guess you really never know what you got until it's gone. I didn't…I didn't know that." Loss was a topic Tegan didn't want to dive into. It was too murky of a subject; too dark; too scary; too dingy. Sara came into mind. Sara and loss were connected everywhere inside Tegan's head. Sara and loss were always together; when she thought of one, came the other. "My brother's death really awakened me. I don't want to hold grudge, to hate, to waste time sobbing and crying. I don't want to waste time killing myself with drugs and alcohol."

"I'm proud of you," Jeremy said.

"I am, too," Tegan added.

"Thank you, guys." Emy looked down at her lap then looked up at Tegan and said, "So tell me, when are you going to be Mrs. Clement?"

 **…**

The longer her eyes stayed open, the dizzier she felt. Noises, lots and lots of noises surrounded her. Cars honked and Tegan talked about her wonderful day with her friends. The lights in the streets felt too bright on her sensitive eyes. She could feel the beating of her heart increase. She could feel the nausea building a home inside her stomach. Something was not right. It felt like the more she drove, the further her apartment was.

She breathed. She took a breath after the other. She knew her vision was getting blurry. She was there. She just needed to park and go up to her room. Her chest tightened and her breath shortened. She parked. She sat there.

Air, air felt good. Yes, air felt nice. Though cold it was, but it made her see. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her heart stopped racing. Tegan's voice was clear now.

"Sara?" Tegan asked. "Are you okay?"

"Mmm," Sara moaned. "I just need some air."

"It's cold, Sara. Let's get inside." Tegan's nose was red and her lips were trembling. Sara nodded and walked inside the building. The bright light hit her. Not again, she thought. She closed her eyes in the elevator. Something was spinning. She was spinning.

"Sara?" Sara looked too unaware of her surroundings. Tegan felt that she had been talking to herself in the car. She thought Sara felt jealous. Sara was not answering. "Sara, what's going on? Did I upset you?" Sara only groaned.

Tegan followed Sara into the apartment. Sara walked to the bathroom. Sara touched the walls as she slowly walked. Something felt strange. "Sara?" Tegan repeated. "Sara, are you okay?" Her voice started to shake.

Sara leaned in front of the basin and washed her face. "Sara, is Ella okay? Stacy? Is she sick? Your mum? Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me, Sara." Tegan started to cry. Sara looked at her with small eyes. Sara's face had gone ghostly pale. Tegan's eyes widened. "Did something happen at the university? Did we get in trouble? Sara, you're scaring me, pl…" Sara hit the floor at once. "Sara," Tegan shouted. "Sara, Sara. Oh my God."

What happened? What happened? She could feel her tears and she knew she was screaming. Sara was pale—too pale. Her lips were almost white. No color was in her face, only sweat, so much sweat. Tegan screamed and Sara didn't hear a thing. "Sara, Sara, Sara. Sara, please wake up. Please don't hurt me. Please wake up. Sara, Sara, Sara. Sara, I will die. Please wake up, Sara." There was nothing to do but to cry and scream. Tegan didn't know what to do because she felt that her own body had given up on her. It felt like she was in a maze, searching for Sara, but at the end Sara was not there and it was all a scheme.


	13. Hospital Bed

Beep—beep—beep. The sound of the pestering machine in the insanely dull white room kept on interrupting Tegan's train of thoughts. She had been reliving the scene in her own aching head for the past forty minutes, fearing every beep could be the last; scared one beep could end up being a long, mind-throttling, never-ending beeeeeeeeeep.

Vagueness swiveled and orbited in thin air. _A heap of broken images where the sun beats/ And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief/ And the dry stone no sound of water. Only/ There is shadow under this red rock/ (Come in under the shadow of this red rock)/ And I will show you something different from either/ Your shadow at morning striding behind you/ Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you/ I will show you fear in a handful of dust._ Tegan sobbed.

It was some kind of a strange shadow, wasn't it? Oh, yes, it certainly was. Fear had been her shadow and there it was, alive; smiling like a clown; permeating sordidly without shame and with so much glory. Fear was never gone and Tegan didn't know whether she was glad she had anticipated its predestined arrival, or she should feel angry that she was shocked, broken-hearted, and disappointed. She knew it was coming, why would she be disappointed? Was it too soon? Oh, God, yes, it was. It was too soon, in a rush, in a hurry. It just came bursting through her window and now it was sitting cross-legged, head high, straight-statured; like an aristocratic lady bored out of her wits in a ball, yet pretending she's the queen of the universe in England's eighteenth's century. Tegan remembered _The Rape of The Lock._ Fuck Arabella Fermor; fuck Belinda and her stupid hair; fuck Alexander Pope, Tegan thought.

And definitely fuck T.S Eliot and his stupid _Wasteland_. It was him. That poem was a ghost he had written in verse. That poem haunted her and haunted their lives. It was always that shadow, the fear, that sordidness, that land of the dead in Tegan's brain cells.

"Tegan," Stacy chimed in, joining the melody of interruption. "She's gonna be fine. Trust me, it's only stress. Calm down. Let her sleep."

Tegan shook her head and cried.

"I know these symptoms, Tegan. She used to faint a lot when she was your age. She gets overexcited or too stressed out and faints."

Tegan refused to believe the simplicity of the situation. She knew her luck and she knew Evil conquered when Happiness tried to make an entrance in her life. It's like Evil was spying on Happiness and it tracked her down. Once he saw her, he beat her up and took her place.

"Relax." Stacy touched her arm and gently pushed her down on the grey couch inside the hospital room. "Sit down." Tegan shrugged Stacy's touch off. "You faint all the time, and you know it's only her blood pressure. They told us it's her blood pressure and now they're making more tests to make sure. Just calm down, sweetie."

"Don't tell me what to do," Tegan said with gritted teeth.

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry…but you're gonna wake her up." Maybe because she wanted her to wake up, talk, interact, smile, promise that nothing was wrong even though everything was wrong.

Stacy was being more irritating than her usually annoying self. Tegan didn't know what to do when Sara was lying there stone cold and lifeless in front of her. She panicked; she was struck with new levels of fear and delirium. She was moving in a labyrinthine haze, trying to do something but freezing in her place.

And the pictures were back again. Stupid pictures. She started crying again and Stacy tsked again and sighed.

She called Stacy because she didn't know who else to call. How irresponsible, immature, weak, and clueless she had felt at that moment. Maybe part of her gushing tears was the fact she couldn't handle it on her own. She had to dial Stacy and had to beg her to come over. Not that Stacy needed begging, she was there in less than five minutes (that was the only benefit of her renting a place a street away from Sara's). She even stayed on the phone as she drove to Sara's place.

"Spill some cold water on her face," Stacy shouted through the speaker. "Shake her and spray some water. Is she breathing? Is she bleeding?"

Tegan moved around checking Sara's pulse, checking for blood, shaking the lifeless form. Tegan wailed and mouthed things even she couldn't comprehend. Stacy panicked as well because Tegan did not make any sense. They both thought Sara was gone.

"Why isn't she waking up?" Stacy yelled.

"I don't fucking know. I don't know. Oh my god. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." Tegan was hugging Sara and crying. Sara was breathing but the beating was so faint and so slow.

"Lift her legs up. Oh my god. Lift her legs up and spray some cologne in her face. Her mum used to do that when she was a kid." Just then Stacy burst through the door. She was much faster and more efficient than Tegan. Tegan felt lost; while Stacy did all the things she was talking about: she lifted Sara's legs up and made Tegan hold them. She told Ella to splash cold water on the professor's pale face, and she herself sprayed cologne, making Sara jump up with a sudden cough of irritation and a wince of disturbance.

Tegan screamed and hugged Sara, who closed her eyes as soon as she opened them. "No, no, please don't go back. Don't close them again."

"Give her some space, she can't breathe." Stacy peeled the younger woman off her girlfriend, but Tegan elbowed Stacy in the ribs. She had not been aware of her actions and when she thought of them, she knew she owed the older woman an apology, yet it felt too hard to do it.

Stacy returned with salt in her palms, forcing it into Sara's lips, making her eyelids flutter and her brow crease in annoyance. With another spray of cologne Sara was waking up again and Tegan watched with streaming tears.

Sara did not close her eyes again but moaned and whined while lying there. Stacy asked what hurt her and Sara mumbled her head and her stomach.

"I'll take you to the hospital," Stacy said.

"No," Sara mumbled. "I wanna sleep."

"You have to get checked."

Sara didn't object after that.

In the car Sara closed her eyes again and Tegan did not stop crying. Ella had been too shocked to say anything. She watched the scene carefully without much action and with almost no expression. Her mother noticed the stolidity her daughter had conveyed. Stacy didn't know whether it was out of fear or sudden shock or the fact she'd been exposed to terrible images that made her emotions freeze and wither.

When the doctors and nurses took Sara inside, Tegan begged for Stacy to go in. Stacy knew it was only because she was a nurse and Tegan wanted to know what was really wrong with Sara, but Stacy's working hours were over and she was not supposed to be inside. She tried nonetheless, and she failed. She sat on one of the chairs, hugged her daughter and explained the situation to her as delicately as possible. Tegan stood behind the door, waiting for the scent of any doctor to chase and attack with questions.

"Tegum, Tegum," the soft voice and the gentle tugging at the woman's black shirt dispatched Tegan's thoughts and took her back to reality. Tegan looked down at Ella's fresh face. She held a green apple in one hand and a half eaten one in the other. "Mummy says eat this."

"Thank you," Tegan mumbled. Just then she noticed her cracked voice. She wiped her tears and sat on the sofa again. Ella sat next to her, handing her the apple. "Where is your mom?"

"Bathroom." Ella took a bite of her apple. Her little legs were swaying back and forth, back and forth, back and forth—slowly putting Tegan to sleep. "Sasa will be fine," Ella said, arousing Tegan's mind again. "She's just sleepy because mummy talks so much and talked so much at the park today and made her sleepy."

Tegan couldn't even think twice before laughing. She threw her head back, sweet laughter eased out of her lips. She felt few tears squeeze themselves out of her closed lids as she laughed. She sighed after, hugging Ella and kissing her head. No wonder Sara wanted kids, she thought. Sara was surrounded by Ella, and whoever was with Ella wanted to have someone like her around. Tegan wouldn't mind having her own Ella to make her feel better in critical times. She wondered if all kids were like Ella: funny, sweet, caring, quiet, innocent, and smart. When Tegan overheard Stacy telling Sara that the only person she's doing everything for was Ella, Tegan didn't believe her. Stacy talked about Ella making her days better; about how happy she felt when Ella was happy and how anguished she felt when Ella had a bad day. "She's the only one I can think of, I don't have time for a lover, especially not a man who demands attention more than a little child. My entire attention is centered on her and on making her happy. If she's not happy, I am not happy; if she is happy, I am the happiest," Stacy had said.

"I understand. I know what you mean," that was Sara's answer, which Tegan doubted because Sara ran after her own happiness like a lion running after its prey.

"Tegum?" Ella asked again. Tegan had started eating her apple.

"Yes?"

"When are you going to marry Sasa?"

Tegan swallowed the bite and thought for a moment. How would she marry her if she was sick and in the hospital? The tears rushed past her eyes again. "I don't know," she whispered.

"But you have to. You have to know because you're going to have a baby. I want the baby," Ella demanded with a scowl.

It seemed that everyone was waiting for that baby. To her, she felt that her womb was a piece of art in a gallery and everyone was admiring it from a distance. Everyone chanted: baby, baby, baby. Nobody saw the misery behind this painting they were all looking at. Everyone wanted something she did not want to give, or did not feel ready to give. She didn't tell them no, however, because she was a pleaser and she pleased everyone but herself. She was Stacy and everyone was Ella.

"But how can mummies have babies inside their tummies, Tegum? Tell me, how do you put a baby in there?" Ella asked, patting Tegan's stomach.

"Tegan?" Stacy rushed in, and Tegan had never been this thankful for that and would never be again. She wanted for anything to interrupt the interaction. Maybe having a little Ella was not so fun. Maybe it was the responsibility of a woman Stacy's age and not hers. She was so young.

"Yes?"

"The doctor wants to speak to you."

Tegan stood at once, following Stacy out of the room. A doctor and a nurse were standing in the hallway, looking at what seemed to be Sara's tests results. Tegan was prepared to hear the unfortunate news: _it's back_. It's back and it's thriving inside her body, Tegan thought.

"Ms. Rain." The doctor nodded. "We were just talking to Stacy to inform her about Ms. Clement's situation but she told us you are her partner."

"I am." Tegan swallowed.

"You do know about her health situation; her history with cancer?"

"I do." Tegan was losing her patience. Her tears were there on the verge of eruption.

"She's been taking a lot of medication lately and it seems to us she's been into severe pressure. Nothing seems too concerning but we're running few more tests. It seems to be a case of stress or an allergic reaction to one of her drugs. Has she been doing her monthly checkups and blood tests?"

"Yes. Last one was done two weeks ago and she tested fine. Nothing out of the ordinary." Tegan looked at Stacy, who listened without saying much.

"Is there anything in particular upsetting her? Anything she's been complaining about?"

"Migraines," Tegan said. "She gets these a lot."

"That's normal. Some of her medications have that side effect," Stacy added. "But she's been a bit stressed out."

"Yes…uh, she's been a bit…" Tegan faltered. She didn't sense any sense of abnormality, pressure, or anxiousness on Sara. She was fine…till few hours ago.

"Alright. She will spend the night here so we can run more tests. Meanwhile we want the names of all her medications. We want to figure out if anything has been affecting her lately because her blood pressure is rather lower than the expected rate."

"Is this too alarming?" Tegan asked.

"Hopefully it is not. It seems to be lack of nutrition or sleep, but just in case it's an allergic reaction to her medicines we want to be careful and run some more tests."

"Thank you," Tegan had mumbled before the doctor walked away.

"Do you feel a bit better now?" Stacy asked, too sweetly for Tegan's liking. It was too sweet that it hit Tegan sourly.

"Uh…yes, but…" It was probably literature that made her turn into this melodramatic person. She was not like that before getting too engaged in the vast spectrum of poetry, fiction, and drama. She did not overthink, she did not worry as much, words did not have too much meanings, actions did not hide metaphorical future chaos; life was simple or sad, nothing lost in between. Her life felt like a weird poem right now and she didn't like how literature played such a role, and made her look at things too closely and from each angle.

"But? Tegan, Sara is a lot like you. Do you know how much she used to faint when she was a teenager? Literally everywhere, even during sex."

Tegan stared at Stacy blankly. Tegan knew why Stacy said the last phrase. Stacy was evil, Tegan knew it. She wanted to deliver the information that she and Sara had had sex, as if Tegan wasn't aware of that disastrous fact.

Stacy sighed. "I'm trying to break the ice," she said. "I'm trying, Tegan, and you're not giving me a chance."

"Is this really a perfect time for this?" Tegan questioned.

"If now isn't perfect, when is it then?"

Tegan didn't know how to answer that. Maybe Stacy was right, but that was the only thing she was right about.

"Why do you hate me so much? What did I do?"

"I don't hate you," Tegan said, and that was not a lie.

"Then why are you like that with me?"

"I don't know. It's how I am."

"Can we sit?" Stacy asked. "We need to talk, please."

Another talk where Stacy bragged about her unconditional love for Sara and how much she cared about her? Another stupid conversation where Stacy tried to prove her perspective and how she saw things? Another one of those one on one where Tegan lost her mind more, and over thought her life and Sara's more? No, that was not going to happen.

"Okay," however that's how she answered.

"Coffee in the cafeteria? Let Sara sleep."

"The fact you speak as if you care more about Sara than I do is one," Tegan said. She could only hold so many things in, and everything was getting on her nerves.

Stacy looked back at Tegan. She pulled her lips to the side with a pout and nodded. "I'll just get Ella," she said and walked to the room. Tegan followed; made sure Sara was still asleep and left with Stacy and her daughter.

Tegan asked herself what made Stacy seem so monstrous. Stacy never did something that hurt her or Sara. Sure, she talked and chattered irritatingly and more than necessary. Sometimes she made Sara feel terrible about herself, but that was not intentional according to Sara. However, Tegan was sure when Stacy sat in front of her that day and threatened she would scratch her face, it was as intentional as it could be. And why did Stacy care to make their interaction better? Why couldn't they leave each other alone? Maybe, Stacy would say, if they got along it would be better for Sara, Tegan thought. But Tegan hated how Stacy acted that she knew Sara better than her. She couldn't deny the truth of that, but she hated it because Sara was hers and not Stacy's.

Ella climbed up on her mother's lap in the empty cafeteria. The only people there besides them were a couple and an old lady. The woman was clearly waiting to deliver her child. She was wearing a robe over her hospital gown and she looked terrified, or that's what Tegan noticed. The old lady was either her mother or her mother in law. The husband (or boyfriend) was comforting the pregnant lady; rubbing her back and whispering things to her ear. Ella placed her legs around her mother's waist and Stacy winced. Ella looked back at Tegan, put her thumb in her mouth and quickly thrust her head on her mother's chest. Stacy almost shrieked. She pushed her confused daughter slightly, sighed, and rubbed her right breast. Ella placed her head against her mother's chest once again then closed her eyes. Tegan wished she could do the same, she wished she could just suck her thumb, place her head on Sara's chest or a pillow or anything warm and soft, and close her eyes. She just wanted to sleep and have some serenity of mind.

"This is what having a kid is like," Stacy mumbled. "Are you ready for that?"

That was a trick question, Tegan thought. If she said no, Stacy would attack; and if she said yes, Stacy would prove her wrong. She couldn't win because Stacy was good with words, even if she wasn't good with actions.

"Fine, don't answer." Stacy sipped her coffee. "I don't hate you. In fact, I like you. I like that you're great with my daughter and you're funny and capable of taking care of yourself. I admire that."

"I'm not trying to get your approval here. It really doesn't matter to me whether you like me or not. I don't even know why it matters to you that I do."

"Because I am the kind of person who looks for normalcy in everything. I want to live a normal, simple life where nothing is wrong, no hatred is around, and no grudge held. I moved here because I wanted to start over with the world and with people around me and I want that to happen between you and me, too."

Tegan sighed. She, too, sipped the coffee that Stacy had bought her. Ella was not asleep because her lips were moving and sucking. It was an adorable scene.

"What did I do to make you so cold towards me? I want to know," Stacy said. The way the older woman pleaded for attention seemed desperate to Tegan. That was a weakness point. Stacy wanted something Tegan could give her but she didn't want to. Stacy wasn't as strong as Tegan thought she was.

"First impressions stay with me. Your first impression was your kind threat that if I didn't make a baby with Sara, you'd scratch my face. Second impression was you not letting me see her. You still do believe I will cheat on her and I will betray the trust she gave me. You still plant the thoughts of me being a deceiving bitch in her head. And you definitely like, or liked, to manipulate her thoughts that she thinks crying is a crime and tears are stupid. I am twenty-two, but I'm not as naïve as Sara sees me. I choose when to appear naïve and powerless and when to stop that."

Perhaps the last bit was not true, but Tegan wanted to scare Stacy with her words the way Stacy had once done. Two years later and Tegan was finally able to trick people with her verbal communication. For a moment, a tiny thought popped in her head: _I'm not different from Stacy, am I?_ However, she shook the thought away and watched Stacy closely; gazed at the hesitancy and reluctance in her features. She waited for the answers and knew Stacy didn't have strong ones, and if she did, they might not make sense to Tegan.

"I honestly don't know what to tell you." Stacy chuckled. She looked at her child attempting to fall asleep then looked back at Tegan. "I guess…"

"I don't need explanations. There's this thing that we both can't avoid and it's a barrier and I don't think we can break it. It's not a matter of hate and love; it's a matter of…" Tegan thought of it but the word did not come up easily. "It's a matter of…"

"Jealousy," Stacy said. Tegan opened her mouth to object, but as soon as the word hit her head, the meaning engulfed every other thought. Yes, it was jealousy.

"Yeah," Tegan whispered and took a sip of her coffee.

Stacy searched for the pack of cigarettes in her purse. She knew it was going to be a long night. She needed something to calm her down. She found it, the sweet poison. If Sara knew she was smoking in front of her kid and in front of Tegan, she would kill her.

"We're in a hospital," Tegan said. "Are you serious?"

"I can't take it." Stacy put the white stick in her mouth. "My head is killing me." She lit up the butt of the cigarette and puffed a whiff of smoke.

"What about your daughter?"

"You don't want to see me break down, trust me." Stacy chuckled. Her hands were shaking, her eyes were fluttering, and her lips were trembling.

"Jealousy," Tegan said. "What about it?"

"You tell me."

"You said it first. You feel jealous of me?"

"I do…or did. I did, mostly. I did not mean to threaten you, to be quite honest. Sara was not alright back then and I knew it. She refused to go to the doctor. I thought that you spending time with her was just…some fantasy; some teenage student/professor fantasy. I am…possessive, I guess. I just didn't want to see the pain coming. I got used to her crying over those who left but I was always there—loving, waiting, wanting. She never saw it."

"So you were jealous," Tegan stated.

"A part of me was jealous, the other part was worried."

"You're not her guardian."

"Put yourself in my shoes," Stacy said, puffing more smoke. "Seriously, do."

Tegan closed her eyes for a mere second then opened them. She tried to imagine she was Stacy: abusive husband, getting a divorce, loved one happily fucking her lover on the couch outside the bedroom, single mother, loved one always hurts herself and let them step all over her. Tegan's defensive instinct activated itself. Her eyes grew wider and the color grew softer, almost transparent.

"Okay," Tegan said abashedly.

"I was jealous. At that time I couldn't voice my love for her. When I did, the nagging tick in my brain stopped. I do feel jealous; I'm not going to lie to you. But do I want to date her and be with her? Oh, God, no. No, no, no." Stacy turned off her cigarette and sipped her coffee.

"Why not?" Tegan was curious.

Stacy took a moment to ponder the question in her head. "Well," she said, "like I said, dating or being with someone is the last thing I care about. I have a daughter that wants my attention. I don't have the emotional or the mental ability to start new things with someone, anyone. After…" Stacy paused, looked at her sleeping daughter then said in a whisper, "After the continuous abuse I feel that my body can't take much…physical contact. I don't know. I'm hoping it's temporary but whenever I think of relationships I think of prison, of blood, of sickness. I think of something tying me up, taking away what I have. I don't want someone to take away what's left of me. Having to look at my body each day reminds me that a lot has been taken from me and I allowed it and shut up about it. I don't want that. I know…I know people are not all the same, but I…I can't let it happen, not even for fun, especially not for fun."

Stacy had the tendency of speaking continuously without intervals. Even when she was talking about something serious, she did not take a break or pause. This time, Tegan listened to every little word. Tegan didn't know what to say and how to say it. These things the older woman talked about seemed beyond her comprehension—abuse, prison, divorce, lack of freedom. Even if she related to something, it wouldn't be to the same extent Stacy must had felt it.

"I'm jealous of you, too," Tegan decided to say.

"Of me?" Stacy chuckled softly.

"What's so funny about it?"

"Why would you be jealous of me?"

"You are her best friend. You know everything about her. She trusts you and loves you and appreciates you. You are her…everything. You know her more than anybody else and you know her thoughts, you can predict her actions, you are always on her mind."

"And you're always on her mind, too," Stacy said. "We were born and raised together, what do you expect? The difference between our birthdays is two weeks. We've been always attached at the hip. But that does not mean I own something you don't own. Yes, we have our own special memories, but you and her do, too. Every group of people does, too. The way you have your special memories or moments with the friends she's so jealous of."

Tegan laughed. "Jealousy steers the ship, doesn't it?"

"It's human nature." Stacy kissed her daughter's head. "Sometimes I do say things that make her upset. I don't know why I say them. I am harsh with her at times. Today is an example. I was harsh to her in the park. I said things I didn't mean and then I was like why the hell did I say that? I don't know why I do that."

"The same reason you do most things, we just said it."

"No, this can't be jealousy." Stacy shook her head. "It's beyond that. Because I don't only do it with her, I do it with my mother, too. And with friends. I like to…to push when I'm pushed just to let it out and then I regret it. I attack and I…I use my tongue more than I use my brain."

Tegan nodded. She didn't know what else to say.

"I should go grab something for Ella to wear and get her bottle, too," Stacy continued. "She'll wake up soon and throw a fit."

"You don't have to stay here. I'm here with Sara."

"No, I'm gonna stay here, too." Stacy tried to stand up, but couldn't because of the heaviness of her daughter's mass. "I'll get her clothes, too. She hates staying in hospital gowns."

"Oh, yes, can you please get me my drugs? Everything is in the yellow drug box in the bathroom." Tegan walked to Stacy, helping her with Ella. The child whimpered and moaned in her sleep. "Shhh." Tegan rocked her slowly, but Ella was a bit too heavy to be carried and rocked this way.

"Yes, of course. I have to get Sara's, too."

Tegan walked to Sara's room again. Ella woke up right after her mother had left. Tegan was in the waiting room when Ella woke up. The little girl searched around her for a familiar face and almost shrieked when she realized the unfamiliar atmosphere. Tegan turned her around and faced her instantly, shushing her and rocking her gently. "Shh, El. Look at me, baby. Here I am. I'm Tegan, look at me."

Ella's tears stopped as she wiped her eyes with two fists and dropped her head harshly on Tegan's chest. Tegan jumped, pushing Ella farther away from her aching breast. "Holy shit," Tegan mouthed. "That hurts, baby." _Stacy's right,_ she thought.

Ella pouted her lips again and gazed at both sides. She saw no one but uninteresting silence and emptiness in long hallways. Nothing felt familiar. The chairs were dark green, she hated that color; it reminded her of Christmas. She hated Christmas because her mummy was crying all through it; and the one before, Sara was crying and she had no hair. She looked at the dull creamy walls and the closed yellow doors. She felt cold and scared. Her mummy was nowhere in sight, and Tegan was angry at her because she had hurt her without intending to.

Ella felt her tears rushing out of her eyes again. She wanted her small apartment and the bed she shared with her mother and the warmth of the milk her mother prepared for her. She wanted a big, sweet hug and familiar faces that she loved.

"Aww, Ella," Tegan said. "Look at me, baby. Please, look at me. I'm sorry, sweetie." Ella looked at Tegan, who looked so beautiful with her new hair. Ella wanted to touch it but she didn't because she didn't want to upset the older woman.

"Mummy?" Ella asked, hoping Tegan would give her a clear and a quick answer.

"She went home to get you some stuff. She'll be right back."

Ella frowned. She wanted to hide her face in Tegan's warm chest and close her eyes once again. She hated bright lights and hated strange faces and unusual rooms. Tegan didn't want that, though, so she wasn't going to do it again.

"Sasa?" she tried again, remembering Sara's eerie situation. Her mother told her Sara would be alright, and she believed her.

"She's asleep in the room. Want to go there?" Ella nodded. Tegan held her little hand and they both walked together to Sara's room. The lights were not as bright in there because Sara was still asleep. Ella looked up at Tegan, who was staring at Sara blankly. At that moment, Ella did not care that Tegan didn't want her hugs, she hugged her legs anyway.

Tegan sat on the sofa and placed Ella on her lap. Ella disliked seeing Tegan's solicitous features—restless, careworn, and despondent. She wanted to make her feel better but she didn't know how. She felt sleepy and tired, too. Tegan hugged her then. Ella smiled and wrapped both arms and both legs around Tegan, who kissed her forehead twice. Ella closed her eyes for a second then opened them up again, remembering what she wanted.

"Milk," she chirped. "Please, Tegum, milk."

"I don't have any," Tegan said. That's what she feared; Ella waking up and demanding what she consumed each night.

"Ask someone, please, Tegum, please."

"El," Tegan sighed. The hardest part was about to start. "You're a big girl like me, right?"

"No," Ella said. "I'm little. I'm four." Ella held five fingers, showing them to Tegan. Realizing they were five, she put her pinky down, blushing slightly.

"Four is big," Tegan tried again. "You can sleep without milk like Sara, mummy, and I."

"No," Ella shook her head. "I can't."

"Yes, you can. Give it a try."

"No," Ella said louder. "No," she repeated.

"But the milk fairy needs the bottles to take them to new babies who don't have teeth."

"No," Ella said. "Babies have boobie milk." Tegan chuckled.

"Who told you that?" Tegan said.

"Sasa and mummy."

"But not all babies have a mummy. Some babies have only a daddy or two daddies and they need the bottles. You can drink milk in a cup and I will get you a cute tiger cup."

"Oh." Ella paused, thinking and pondering what Tegan said in her head. "We…well, I…" Ella rolled her eyes in the most comic way Tegan had witnessed. "I guess they can have my bottles because they don't have teeth and they can't have boobie milk or eat gummy bears."

"That's right." Tegan squeezed the little adorable child gently and kissed her head. "You're so cute, I love you."

Ella giggled. "I love you, too."

As the fog cleared, the noise became louder. The unstoppable melody was so familiar, yet Sara's half conscious state couldn't discover where she had heard it before. However, she knew the other melody drumming inside her body was the raucous beating of her heart. It was too loud, too harsh, too shrill—she could feel it. She blinked—once, twice, thrice—the fog was completely gone. Ha…that was the sound, the vexing sound she despised so much. She knew it, she was in that place.

If she was in that place, it meant she was sick; but since she felt it, it meant she was alive and breathing…till now. Was she missing a leg or an arm or a kidney? She couldn't recall anything until she blinked again and felt the pounding in her head, the acute ache in her skull. It felt like someone was doing some construction in the left side.

She closed her eyes again, but then she saw what had happened as if it was a quick flashback striking her mind like lightning. She felt and heard soft, sneaky movements next to her. She opened her eyes at once, facing her best friend's concerned ones.

"Sara?" Stacy whispered. "Are you okay?"

Sara did not answer. She looked at the place she was in and looked at her left: Tegan was asleep on the sofa; Ella was asleep in her arms. Sara looked at Stacy again. Stacy smiled.

"I went to get you some clothes and came back finding them asleep. I covered them with my coat. They seemed cold."

"What happened?" Sara asked. Her throat was so dry, which reminded her of her full bladder.

"You fainted."

"Oh, yes. I remember."

The voices woke Tegan up. She was never a heavy sleeper. However, she did not open her eyes. She listened with her eyes closed, wanted to know if anything was hidden from her; if Sara was concealing a health issue.

"You're alright. Don't worry. Did you eat anything yesterday or today?"

"I don't know. I don't…I mean, yes…but."

"Sara." Stacy sighed. "You're so stressed out. Why is that?"

"I don't know." Sara's voice was so quiet, but Tegan heard it well. "Everything is so overwhelming. I'm just so worried things would go wrong. I'm so excited and so anxious at the same time."

Stacy put the black duffel bag on the mattress. She unzipped it and took Sara's pajamas out. "Everything will be alright," she said. "You just need to take care of yourself, please."

"You got me clothes?" Sara asked.

"Yes, and undergarments." Stacy held up light orange panties.

"That's Tegan's." Sara chuckled. Tegan's eyes fluttered, she wanted to open them and find out what the two women were talking about.

"Oh," Stacy said. Tegan stealthily opened her eyes. Stacy was blushing.

"We share the drawers now," Sara commented.

"Explains the huge amount of boxer briefs. I thought you're back wearing them."

"They were so comfortable." Sara yawned. She felt so haggard. Stacy put the black bra down on the mattress as well. "That's Tegan's, too."

"That's Tegan's?" Stacy raised an eyebrow, staring at the cups. "She has nothing." Tegan felt offended.

"Shut up," Sara said. "As if you do." Tegan wanted to laugh. It was time to get up. "She lost her breasts with losing weight."

"I only know you're fine when you casually talk about my breasts," Tegan said, hugging Sara, making her jump. Tegan kissed Sara's temple four times and started crying. "You scared me. You were so pale and your lips were so white and you were so cold. You scared me."

"Where did you come from?" Sara laughed and held her lover closely. "Aww, love. I didn't mean to." Sara kissed Tegan's forehead. "I'm alright. Just a bit tired."

"Hope Ella didn't give you a hard time. Did she ever wake up or is she still asleep since I left?" Tegan sat up, her face was flushed, her hand held Sara's cold one. She sat on the edge of the mattress and gazed at Stacy's careful eyes.

"She woke up and was a bit scared. She wanted her bottle but I think she won't need that anymore."

"How?" Sara and Stacy asked at the same time.

"I told her the milk fairies want the bottles to give them to the new babies, she told me babies have boobie milk." Tegan laughed.

"Oh, I told her that when Stacy wanted to wean her," Sara said.

"Yes, so I told her that some people don't have mothers, and I will get her a tiger cup."

"I think the tiger cup won her over, especially coming from you," Stacy said.

"I still have a rival," Sara said. Her bladder was reminding her that it was losing its patience.

"What's my underwear doing here?" Tegan asked, as if she hadn't heard the conversation.

"Oh, I…" red-faced Stacy commenced, "I picked these by mistake. My bad."

"Hmm," Tegan hummed, enjoying making Stacy embarrassed. It always felt satisfying to make the older woman uncomfortable.

"I really have to pee. But I feel like I can't stand or support myself."

Tegan took an attentive look at her lover, who looked immensely fragile and pale. Tegan helped the professor sit up, but Sara held her head and sat down once again. "Should I get the doctor?" Tegan asked, petrified and scared.

"I'm just so dizzy."

"It's okay. You're just very tired," Stacy remarked. "We can help you to the bathroom."

"I'll go in with you," Tegan said.

Sara required care and help from both women. She felt herself as weak and powerless as those days she had been ill. She wanted to sob right there and declare her surrender, but she was promised by everyone—including the doctor who came to check up on her later—that it was merely a case of stress and lack of nutrition. Sara was presented a meal, which she had to eat despite her absence of appetite.

Stacy slept on the sofa next to her daughter and Tegan squeezed herself on the hospital bed next to Sara, who held her tightly because her body was colder than Tegan's for the first time. Sara fell asleep in a matter of seconds, while Tegan couldn't close an eye till dawn.

Stacy couldn't sleep well, too. Even though it had been a week, her stitched side still ached terribly when she lay down in an uncomfortable position. She was the first to get up in the morning. She stretched and went to the bathroom. She lifted up her dress and examined the bruised skin. Nothing was too alarming. She swallowed pain medication and went down to grab coffee before her daughter woke up and threw a tantrum upon not finding her there. She didn't have to work in the hospital on Sundays, yet she had spent her weekend there, too. Some patients greeted her and she smiled at them. The doctor who had been hitting on her since she started working there grinned when he saw her. She felt embarrassed and bothered. She didn't like him at all, in fact she felt that his persistence was a turn off, yet she felt too coy to show herself with her naked face lacking any type of makeup and her hair disheveled and unkempt.

When she returned to the room, she found Sara and Tegan with blank, stunned faces staring at what seemed to be the biggest invisible dilemma. Smirking trepidation struck the blonde. She took slow paces to the bed. She didn't want to sit there and join them; she wanted the news to hit her as well so she could join their pensive stares. She also apprehended asking. _What if_? She thought.

Ella hugged her legs out of nowhere, making her jump, almost spilling her coffee. She screeched, making both dazed women look at her with the same astounded expression. What's wrong? She asked herself. Tell me, she thought. _Goddamn it, say it already._

"When did she wake up?" she asked instead.

"When the doctor came," Sara responded. Her eyes were dilated in the most frightening type of exposure.

"Oh, uh…" Stacy commenced, "is everything okay?"

"Mummy," Ella chanted, "I'm hungry."

"Umm..." Sara blushed. "It turns out that I…"

"She OD'd on HRT," Tegan said. She scowled at her lover.

"It wasn't on purpose," Sara said.

"I'm pretty sure it was," Tegan said.

"How did you do that?" Stacy asked inquisitively. She sat down on the mattress. She wanted to laugh, but it was not fair for the two women. Sara seemed like the kind of person who would overdose on Hormone Replacement Therapy pills just to have as much sex as she could. Stacy knew Sara had done it on purpose.

"Tell her," Tegan said. She stood up, put her hands against her hips and continued, "I want to know as well. Your lie to the doctor is very unbelievable. You don't just forget your dose. You're not that stupid. Why did you do it? God, this could have been more serious than this. You're so irresponsible sometimes. God, Sara, you're going to make me lose my mind one day soon." Even though Tegan was right, Stacy was dying to let the suppressed laughter out. Ella was staring at Tegan with bewildered wide blue eyes, and Sara seemed terrified of the sudden burst.

"Don't yell at me," Sara whispered, lowering her head. "I really forgot my dose on Friday. I took two pills instead of one and, you know, it led to…" Sara looked at Stacy from the periphery of her vision. "We had, umm, good, umm, sex, and yesterday I realized that it was good and I should take two pills instead of one so I took two pills in the morning and two in the evening. I used to take two pills until I was told to take a lower dose. I didn't think it was going to cause this, I just wanted good sex, okay?"

"Okay," Ella responded in spite of her mystification and ignorance.

Even though the situation was funny, it was still serious and Stacy felt bad she wanted to laugh. "I don't think my daughter should hear this," she mumbled.

Tegan sighed. She sat down again and pushed her hair back with her hand. Stacy noticed the strange haircut; she wondered why Tegan would get her hair cut like this. She wondered if Sara liked it.

"You know what, I should just get the vaginal things that they stick inside the vagina to get it wet. Like, these pills aren't doing anything and I have to stop them because I have an allergic reaction. The vagina stuff are probably much better, whatever."

"Vagina?" Ella asked. "What is vagina?"

"Okay, hey, stop," Stacy told her friend. "Seriously."

"Oh, my God. Don't tell me she doesn't know what's a firkin vagina? What does she call it? It's where you pee from, El."

"It's not where you pee from, it's the hole..." Tegan cut herself off and pressed her lips together when Stacy glared at her. "Sorry," she mouthed.

"We have other names, okay?" Stacy said, sounding like a kid competing with two other kids. "Censored names."

"It's not like I said cunt," Sara said. "What are the names, though? Teach us."

"Vajayjay?" Tegan wondered. "Eww, I hate this word."

"It's so disgusting, right?" Sara added.

"You're gonna be amazing parents," Stacy mumbled, standing up. Her baffled daughter was trying to understand every foreign word she was hearing, but her mother was a block that stood in the way.

"We will," Sara said.

"Emy says she's coming to visit you," Tegan announced. Stacy looked back at Tegan, who held her phone in her hand. "Is she welcome or?" Tegan bit her lower lip. When she received the text message she had to read it twice. She asked herself many times why but according to Emy the night before, the friend sought the start of a clean slate, and she really appeared to desire it.

"Oh, Emy?" Sara said. "Sure, I mean…that's nice of her." Sara looked at her friend, who had her left eyebrow raised. Sara thought it was quaint, but having heard more about Emy from Tegan, she wanted Tegan to try that friendship again. It was only fair since her best friend was in love with her and Tegan did not interfere in their friendship anymore. "She shouldn't see me in this awful pajama, though. I don't want her to see her professor looking like a peasant. Fetch me my shirt and bra, please." Sara unbuttoned her pajama shirt quickly, revealing her naked chest.

"Sara," Stacy said loudly, "for God's sake, there's a kid."

The irrational, careless action confused and angered Tegan as well, though for a different reason.

"They're just tits. Chill." Sara began dressing herself without any bashfulness.

While Stacy turned herself and her daughter around, Tegan resumed her scowls and glares while giving Sara items of clothes to wear. She had pretended to forget about the HRT issue, but she was waiting for the right time when Stacy was not present to discuss it quietly with Sara. But now she needed to discuss another thing that bothered her so much: Sara casually getting naked in front of her friend as if it's not a big deal.

Tegan's mother called so she had to leave the room in order to talk to her. Since Tegan wasn't used to lying (especially that she never succeeded at it) she told her mother what happened in brief. Her mother did not say much, which was the customary response whenever they spoke about Sara. If she judged, her daughter would be upset; if she gave support, it would be hypocrisy. She remained silent and that was the best for herself and Tegan. However, when she and her husband spoke, they criticized and judged freely, simply because Tegan was not in the same room. Both of them considered the relationship a form of oppression to their child.

Stacy was gone when Tegan went back to the room. "She went to get me some stuff from the apartment since I have to stay here another night," Sara explained. "I'm gonna miss classes. I'm fine now. I was tired but I'm fine."

"Classes can wait," Tegan said coldly. She sat on the sofa and played a stupid word game that she hated on her phone.

"What's wrong with you?" Sara asked but Tegan didn't answer. "Again? Everything is silent with you? I have to guess everything? I can't guess if you don't tell me."

Tegan put her phone down and huffed. "Why did you do that? Why do you make me feel like I'm miserable with you because we don't fuck every day? Guess what, my body can't tolerate sex each day, too."

"It's not about you," Sara said with gritted teeth. "It's so not fucking about you, Tegan. It's about how I feel. How sex feels for me. How my body feels. I want to feel it and enjoy it, too. It's my fucking right."

"Nobody said it's not," Tegan said with a soft voice. She hadn't thought of that at all but that wasn't surprising to her, she knew she was selfish sometimes. She couldn't feel what Sara felt. That missing piece stood in their way; the lack of something; the flaw in their communication. She dated a woman who was experiencing different things, things most women her age did not usually experience. She couldn't comprehend it easily, she always forgot about it.

Tegan walked to Sara's mattress again. Sara had started crying. "It's your absolute right, but hurting yourself is not the solution."

"Tell me what the solution is then?" Sara was embraced by her lover, kissed and caressed and comforted with soft hushes.

"I wish I can give you one. I wish I can feel your pain."

"You don't want to." Sara felt kisses on her head. "I just want to feel normal sometimes."

"You should give it time. Everyone says you should give it time. Plus, isn't lube available?"

"Yes," Sara rubbed her eyes and looked at Tegan. "It does help, but…"

"But?"

"I don't know. I just wanna be this horny Sara again." She wanted so much and sometimes she felt ungrateful. Other women wished to be in her place, yet she was crying because her sex life was not perfect. But other times, she felt that she deserved to have the things she wanted, the joy she coveted.

"I don't think being horny Sara will help much when we have a kid because you'll have to resort to your hands…if you found time." Sara giggled, wiping more tears. Sometimes she felt stupid, and that was one of those times. "Emy can come any minute now," Tegan warned. Sara certainly didn't want to seem like she had cried. Tegan showered her face with more kisses, so the professor captured her lips in a long passionate kiss. "Don't ever scare me again," Tegan whispered.

"I won't." Sara kissed the younger woman once again, enjoying the softness of her lips.

"And don't get naked in front of Stacy again because it bothers me." Tegan smiled and Sara nodded, biting her lower lip. "Alright?"

"Okay," Sara said.

Stacy and Ella walked behind a brunette holding a bouquet of red tulips. Ella sipped her chocolate milk while she held another one to give to Tegan. Stacy scanned the girl who was walking in the same direction they were going to.

Emy heard the slow steps behind her but she did not bother turn around. The steps had followed her since she entered the hospital, which was a bit strange. She did not look, however. She hoped she was not mistaken with the room. Tegan had given her the details so she didn't ask at the reception. She took a deep breath as she faced the closed door of the intended room. The steps disappeared. Emy jumped and the woman beside her did, too.

Stacy examined the big blue eyes as she touched the doorknob, ready to turn it. Emy knocked before Stacy could open.

"Come in," Tegan's voice rang in their ears.

"Mummy, who's this?" Ella said. "Who are you?" Ella tugged at Emy's jeans.

Emy hesitated as Stacy opened the door. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't pronounce any word as she saw her old professor in a hospital bed and her best friend/ ex- girlfriend sitting on the mattress next to the older woman.

"Hello, Emily," Sara said, with the same melodic voice she owned, same confidence, and same elegance even when she was ill.

"Hey, Dr. Clement," Emy stuttered. "How are you doing today?"

"Why are you blushing?" Sara asked, teasingly. Tegan almost rolled her eyes…almost, but she didn't. "I'm not your professor anymore; I'm Tegan's almost wife." Sara winked. The crimson hue increased on the sides of the visitor's face.

Ella and Stacy stood next to Sara, both looking up and down at _Emily_ , both had the same blue eyes and sharp stares.

"Oh, yeah…here." Emy held up the bouquet, and Sara received it with a gasp. "I was told you loved this kind…umm, tulips." Tegan was smiling so Emy smiled, too.

"Oh, thank you. That's so nice of you." Sara smelled the flowers. "Stacy, look! Tulips."

"I know," Stacy said, smiling at Sara, but not at Emy.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Emily," Sara said.

"Thank you." Emy stood next to Tegan, which made her parallel to Stacy, who seemed exactly the way Tegan had described her: a loathsome nuisance.

"So that's Emy?" Stacy said. "I've heard a lot about you." Her scanning eyes were revolting, both Emy and her friend wanted to slap the older woman.

"Same," Emy answered shortly.

"So, how are you, Emy?" Sara caught the brunette's attention again, calling her the way everybody called her.

 **…**

Tegan sighed as she pushed herself next to Sara in the hospital bed. They faced each other, none of them said anything. When both women left, the doctors ran more tests and Sara was not helping at all. Tegan discovered that Sara hated getting blood tested and gave every nurse a hard time until they found the right vein. After that, Sara was exhausted, and Tegan was, too. Jeremy called to check up on his friend and the woman she was with. Tegan told her lover but Sara did not seem impressed, unlike her reaction to Emy visiting.

"Stacy and Emy really don't like each other," Tegan commented.

"I've never seen such a reaction from Stacy unless she's very jealous," Sara said. "She can't be jealous of Emy because Emy never slept with me."

"Wow, your ego…wow." Tegan laughed.

"It's true."

"Yeah…Stacy was just…Stacy."

Sara held her lover's hand and squeezed it. She smiled mischievously then kissed the younger woman. A kiss after the other and their breaths began to heave and their chests began to rise. Sara sucked Tegan's lower lip then her tongue trailed down, sucking Tegan's neck.

"What are you doing?" Tegan whispered. "Are you serious?"

"Yes," Sara said. "I have to."

"No," Tegan said, but didn't do anything about it because Sara's kisses and touches were swaying her emotions and igniting her libido. Sara touched her hips and sucked beneath her collarbones. "We're in a hospital bed."

"So?" Sara said breathlessly. "I told you once that my mission is to fuck you everywhere possible. Kitchen counter, check; bathtub, check; floor, check; couch, check; office, check; hospital bed, almost check."

Tegan giggled when she felt Sara's hand cupping both breasts underneath her shirt. "You're a pervert…even when you're tired and sick."

"You have to be quiet, though." Sara lifted up the thin shirt and pinched the two hard nipples. Tegan moaned softly. "Good girl."

"What about the car? We haven't done it there." Tegan gasped when she felt Sara's wet tongue on one nipple.

"Soon," Sara said. She took both breasts in her hand, squeezed them together and put as much as she could in her mouth, making Tegan rock her body back and forth. Sara sucked and licked both breasts, then gently pulled each nipple with her teeth, eliciting a sharp hiss from Tegan each time.

"Holy shit." Tegan closed her eyes when she felt Sara's fingers in her underwear. "Office desk or table, too. It's my fantasy."

Sara moaned. "Oh, yes. Mine, too." Sara plunged two fingers in, not teasing, not waiting. "Soon, too."

"Against the wall?" Tegan asked. "No, no, only two," she said when Sara was about to push a third digit. "This position isn't so comfortable."

"Oh, you want me to stop?"

"No, I'm almost there."

With more kissing and fondling and touching, Tegan came. She sighed in content and wanted to return the favor.

"No," Sara said, smiling. "I'm as dry as Africa." Tegan sighed, detesting herself; detesting the fact she had enjoyed Sara touching her.

"I have something to give you. I think it's time, despite the place we're in. I, uh, I told Stacy to get it to me today. I really can't wait. You've been the rock I'm leaning on and I just want you to be officially mine." Sara sat up. Tegan lowered her shirt and looked at the older woman with curious eyes. Sara's hand crawled under the pillow. Tegan watched carefully. Sara switched on the lamp on the table beside the bed. Tegan swallowed as she eyed the small box that Sara held in her hand.

Sara opened it and it was what Tegan didn't want to see. It's not like she didn't predict it happening, she just didn't want it to happen or didn't imagine it happening. It was just strange; too movie-like; too fairy-tale-like—it was not her, not Tegan Rain.

Sara's hands were shaking, too. The ring was beautiful, Tegan couldn't deny it. It wasn't too big, but it was too womanly for Tegan, perhaps too feminine. Diamond felt too feminine.

"I hope it fits you. You have very skinny fingers." Sara laughed nervously. She held Tegan's right hand and exhaled. "Will you marry me for real, Tegan?"

"Yes," she whispered in spite of the fuming fear that swelled in her chest. The ring slipped in and it fit her perfectly. Sara kissed her knuckles then kissed her lips.

Sara lay down on the mattress again. She wanted to cry, but she didn't. She felt a fiery hole in her chest. She felt the unwillingness and indecisiveness. She couldn't stop pushing, though. Why? She asked herself. It's just how it is, she thought _. It's just how I want it. Please, don't hate me. Please, don't think the worst of me. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. I'm sorry I'm taking your youth away with me. I'm sorry I'm proposing in a hospital bed._ She wished she could voice her thoughts, but Tegan's silence choked her. _Doesn't it say so much about me?_ She looked at Tegan, who smiled sweetly as if the distress she felt did not exist.


	14. Goddesses Don't Bleed

Her feverish skin reverberated through her as she took steady steps on creaking wood. She held her phone in one hand, peering at the flashy screen. Her short journey to the bathroom where Tegan was taking a shower—as she had informed half an hour earlier—was accompanied by boggling thoughts, a portion of questions that continued from the early hours of the day when she was back home from the hospital.

She had revealed excessive emotional vulnerability in the past couple of months. She was supposed to be the one with the mental and emotional strength for both herself and Tegan. She was supposed to be the captain of the ship, in charge of embarking, sailing, and knew how to reach the right directions. Yet, she was only a fish in the ocean. And her girlfriend was another fish, a smaller one, an unsure one, a scared one. Scared, yes, Sara knew. She was scared, too.

There were different moments of trepidation in her life and they all did not compare to this moment she was so sure of, yet frankly unable to settle since her health did not promise a bright future. Well, there was her first day at school and she thought she had never been as scared. Her mum held her little hand and kissed both of her cheeks. Sara didn't cry when she sat in class, without Stacy (since she was in a different class, so was her cousin Audrey); deadpan, she watched her mother waving with a smile before leaving. When her mother left, she expressed a sigh of relief. She gazed around at the students sitting in Ms. McGuire's class. Overwhelmed by the number of kids she didn't know, she began to cry. She refused to admit it to her mother when she picked her from school. Years later she knew her mother was informed but pretended as if she hadn't known. That explained the smothering affection she received from the woman that day, spoiling her with sugary treats and kind kisses on her flushed face till she tucked her in bed, reading her favorite story and wishing her a good night.

Those days were gone as soon as Sara began to see this suffocating overprotectiveness of her mother as a strict law that stood against her freedom. Accepting the change was birthing an entirely new human being to the mother; it was difficult, harsh, unpleasant. Now Sara knew her mother was scared and if she was in her place she would be scared, too. Although, she wouldn't stand against that change and repress it, she would let it float around her in chaotic motions like particles of vaporizing gas. She promised herself when she was carrying that her daughter would never see the face her mother had shown her.

Living under the roof of her parents and being surrounded with an ignorant father and a mother dealing with various kinds of phobias, Sara was always scared to take new steps. She was often rewarded for the grades she had gotten but also often punished for her behavior. Fright and monstrous panic hit her hard when she was caught with her best friend, watching her father accusing his wife of terrible breeding and unnecessary spoiling, which—according to the father—made Sara an irresponsible, careless atheist. Till this day Sara couldn't process the relation between all these.

She was never scared with Jack, with marrying Jack, or starting a family with him. She was scared of the departure because she loved him. God, she loved him. It broke her heart even though she was the one who suggested the split. Maybe in her heart she thought Jack would chase her and promise to love her better. Maybe she thought he would realize that once she left, he would want her back. But she was fatuously mistaken. She cried for years until Tegan appeared. She was not even scared of being ill or dying, but when she knew she loved Tegan with maddening intensity, she had to push her away because she was…scared. Till this day they were paying the price. She honestly thought she would die.

But now she's scared of the future and it felt strange because she did sense some type of anxiousness regarding this matter in her teens, but never again. Sharing a life with someone who was just starting to experience the sham that life is made her rethink her choices and options. Well, in the future, what would happen? Would she die? Of course, everybody died. The ghost of her mind screeched with dirty smirking teeth: _It's the law of life._ What about Tegan? What about the child she craved to conceive? Tegan couldn't be a single mother. God, she hoped her life would be prosperous, but not prosperous enough to see her lover die before her. She wanted to die before Tegan because, with honesty seeping like cold water on dry skin, she could not bear the loss of Tegan. _Never fucking again._

And what if Tegan couldn't get pregnant, too? What if they had to go through the same torturous process she had been through? She made sure Tegan's body was perfectly functioning when she took her to get checked up. She didn't tell Tegan that, but it was part of her mental plan. She wanted to make sure her lover's body was ready for such laborious matter. Not only that, but with the fatigue the younger woman had conveyed, Sara could never let her take this step. She would wait till her lover was full of health and ability till she proceeded with her wishes. She would adopt, Sara thought. Adoption would be her last option. What would she do? She truly wanted a biological offspring and this was taken away from her. Now she wanted to have her lover's offspring and if this couldn't happen, then she would adopt. It's not like she was the actual mother of Tegan's child. She's basically adopting him or her, as well.

These thoughts had to be interrupted because she reached her destination. The white door stood in front of her but she didn't hesitate to turn the knob and enter, holding her phone as if she had stumbled upon a rare diamond in her balcony and had to show it to Tegan before something happened to the precious stone.

The drizzle of the water echoed from behind the closed shower curtain. "Tegan, Tegan," Sara hollered. The body of her lover shadowed from behind the thin, almost transparent peach-colored material. A swift movement all it required to get the curtain out of the way.

"Jesus, fuck," Tegan gasped breathlessly. "You scared the shit out of me." Sara jumped when her lover did. A flushed face and a pink chest under the hot streaming water met Sara's eyes. A giggle soon to erupt stopped before leaving her throat when realization hit her. Tegan's hand twitched and fiddled on her sides as water ran on her alabaster skin.

Harbored a smile behind a blank, unknowing face, Sara decided to act like her mother when she had cried her first day of school; she pretended as if she wasn't aware of what Tegan was doing in her hour of privacy. That's why she took long showers and was often exhausted after them, Sara concluded. She nibbled on her lower lip, holding her phone to her girlfriend's perplexed eyes. "Why did your mum add me on Snapchat?" she pronounced horrifically, remembering the puzzlement that struck her upon seeing the strange request.

"Are you serious?" Tegan grabbed the avocado and olive oil shampoo and poured a handful in her palm. "I don't know, she wants to see your snaps, thinking you post stuff, I guess." Tegan closed her eyes as she washed her hair. Foam scattered on top of her head and in the tub. Sara closed the toilet seat and sat there. If she left, Tegan was going to continue what she was doing. She wanted to remind Tegan that she was there and perfectly capable to attend to her needs whenever the younger woman desired. "Or she wants to spy on me through you," Tegan continued after a momentary pause.

"Or she wants to spy on me," Sara suggested. She adjusted her white shirt, lifting it up till she exposed her full thighs. Her eyes were at level with Tegan's lower half. Swollen and purplish in pigment, Tegan's vulva exposed what Tegan had been doing. Still, Sara didn't say anything despite the annoyance that lived within her.

"Yeah," Tegan muttered. She squeezed Sara's new body wash on her loofah; it smelled of tropical fruits and made her body as smooth as marble. "Are you gonna watch me clean myself?"

"I can't?" Sara asked gently. "You take too long, what were you doing all this time?"

"Uh, well, thinking about…" Tegan stammered as she washed her stomach. "Just thinking about life and all, you know, I like to do that in the shower. Don't you do that?"

"Sometimes," Sara whispered. "What were you thinking of?"

"The house," Tegan replied instantly, as if she had the answer prepared. She bent down rubbing the loofah on her knees and all parts of her legs.

"Why don't you talk to me so we can think of these things together?"

"I can't have private thoughts?" Intense eyes glanced at Sara, the younger woman looked up with obvious irritation.

"I'm sorry." Sara looked at her pale thighs, scolded for her clinginess. "I know I am a burden at times but I…I desire your company as much as possible. I wish to hear your thoughts and dive into your brain because I'm just…"

Tegan rinsed her body off. Water, getting cold in temperature, cascaded down her skin. Sara looked at her from the periphery. "You're just?" Her voice was delicate, almost pitiful.

"Really love you." Feeling foolish, Sara gazed at her fiancée, brow red with embarrassment and ears inflamed. "I'm a cliché, but I fucking love you so much and I would love to know whether you are happy or not, satisfied or not, bothered or not, feeling angry, hurt, or annoyed…Tegan, I love your company. I'm sorry I don't give you the privacy you wish, but I am scared of being alone at times."

A look of uncertain worry seemed to mask Tegan's face. She had a surprisingly calm countenance. She was not smiling nor frowning. She was thinking, Sara presumed. She closed the faucet and grabbed her towel, drying her body and prolonging Sara's mental misery. Why didn't she say anything? She scared her off, didn't she? She was going to run away or shout or burst or what? What was going to happen?

 _"Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak._

 _"What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?_

 _"I never know what you are thinking. Think."_

"Sara." Tegan sighed. Her voice was tender and sweet, pulling Sara out of her agonizing _Wasteland_ thoughts. "I love you so much." Tardily, she paced closer to Sara. The tiny pupils of Sara's eyes carefully scanned the petite body approaching her. Her breath hitched when her lover held her face with her damp hands. "Sometimes I am just a bit grumpy, you know me."

Wet curls dripped on Sara's thighs. When Tegan's hair was pushed back like that, it made her lover look attractively masculine. Even when Tegan smiled goofily, showing gums more than teeth, with this hair and this jaw of hers, she looked like the boys Sara had imagined sleeping with in middle school—adorable, handsome, and sexy.

"Do you have any idea how…how clingy I am when it comes to you, or, like, anyone I love to be around?"

"No." Sara looked at the warm golden flakes around the dark speck of her lover's eyes. She pulled her closer with an absentminded tug when her hands pinched the white towel on both sides. "You're never clingy to me. I wish you are clingier. I wish you are always accompanying me till I am sick and bored of you." Sara grinned when her lover blushed with flattery. "However, Ms. Rain, I believe I cannot get sick nor bored of you. I've never loved this violently that I don't wish a minute away from you. It's maddening, isn't it? Can you feel it?"

"I think I can," came the answer, instant and without doubts. However, the face was clearly astounded for Sara could see the frightful search in those eyes that dimmed all of a sudden.

"I wish you would speak to me about your fears and desires without having to keep them to yourself. I may be able to help," Sara suggested kindly, watching the subtle flutter in the eyes. Studying these features carefully made her notice the concealed irritations and subtle uncertainty.

"What do you mean?" Tegan's voice was quiet and low, almost daring. Her hands had descended, loosely gripping Sara's shoulders.

"Why didn't you ask me to give you a helping hand that would guide you to your pleasure?" The student's head perked up, redness gradually smudging her face. "I am your fiancée, that's part of my…job." Sara's lip was bitten, rejoicing the embarrassment emitting from Tegan.

"Uh…how did you?" Tegan felt like laughing but also crying. Few were the moments of such embarrassment these days. Somehow Sara was able to bring back that eighteen year old feeling within her gut—that warm feeling when Sara took her clothes off in the darkness while she was trying to cover her unseen body. How was this woman able to bring her back to feel so small and inexperienced with few words? What happened to the confidence she was proudly clad in these days? "How did you know?"

"I know you in precise details, my darling."

 _Why do you speak like that?_ She wanted to ask. It turned her on and made her feel like a little girl. She fucking loved it. "I am…" she couldn't pronounce how ashamed and embarrassed she felt. So what? She was giving herself some pleasure. It was a private moment that Sara always said it's quite healthy to practice on one's own.

A high pitched scream slipped out of the younger woman's lips when the older one pulled her down on her lap. Tegan's eyes went wide when her wet folds touched Sara's exposed skin, while Sara smirked with relished wickedness; her observation proved to be correct. "Your pussy change in size and color when you are insanely aroused."

Sara's husky voice was slowly shredding her self control. "You pay attention," she commented quietly.

"Of course I do. You have a beautiful pussy. I have to pay attention to know what you like and don't like. I have to pay attention to draw, too." Sara's hands pulled the towel down. It fell on the floor and Sara kicked it with her foot. "Why didn't you tell me? You seem quite aroused." Sara looked down at her thighs, moistened lips and an engorged clit pressed on them.

"I didn't want to bother you." That was only one reason, the other was her sheepishness. She couldn't ask Sara to fuck her. It felt too much for Sara who had been out of the hospital this morning. They had quick sex the night before…well, technically, she had quick sex the night before…with Sara's fingers. There was the proposal that made communication rather awkward in the morning. Somehow they both had forgotten about it for now.

"Bother me?" Sara's brows went high up her forehead.

"Yes." Tegan swallowed. The feeling was too marvelous. She wanted to use the thigh she hugged with her legs as a way to relieve the pressure building there. "You've just been out of the hospital. I don't want to upset you, too. I don't want to be selfish."

"Selfish?" Sara hugged her waist with warm hands, pulling her closer. "Tegan, I feel immense pleasure when I give my lover pleasure. I do indeed enjoy giving as much as getting, don't you?"

"I do," Tegan rushed to say. "Honestly, only you." She cocked her head slightly to one side, giggling sheepishly. "I mean, you're the only one I have enjoyed pleasing…I guess, because you're the only one I have ever loved." A high pitched laugh was radiated in the silence of their small home. Sara was smiling merrily; her cheeks blossomed with dark pinkness. "When we first dated…back then, I mean…when I, you know, gave you pleasure it always felt like, wow, I'm giving Sara Clement a good time and she's moaning my name. It was like, you know, pleasing a goddess. I swear, it was magical. I felt like…like wow, what the fuck, I have this insanely beautiful, delicate, hot, and dominant woman in my hands and I'm making her scream and shake and she looks even more beautiful doing it. I really, really felt like I was doing a goddess."

"What about now?" Sara uttered lowly.

"I mean, I still feel it, but I guess I'm more used to you now. Like, right now, I know you're a human and you have your weaknesses and strengths. Right now, I know you, you're my lover, my fiancée, soon will be the mama of my baby…like, you know, you're with me…and yeah."

"These words make me so happy." Lips red and abused from overbiting, Sara didn't hesitate to add her flavor when she pulled the younger woman closer, kissing her with heated passion that the student had stirred up with her words.

Unconsciously, Tegan began rocking herself on Sara's thighs. The professor smiled through the kiss. She tugged gently on Tegan's bottom lip, asking for entrance, which she was allowed immediately. Sara's hands flew up to the breasts close to her own covered chest. She palmed the two small mounds and kneaded them with gentle care.

It didn't seem that her lover had been asking for gentleness when her tongue moved past Sara's jaw and found her supple neck. Tegan sucked with enthusiasm and pronounced lust. Sara's right thigh, on which Tegan undulated her hips, was smeared with thick heady juices. She could only hear her own soft moans as Tegan took one spot of her neck between two lips and sucked hungrily. Her eyes looked heavenward as she felt her left breast in Tegan's palm.

Tegan craned her neck and looked up at her lover with a coy smile. "That's why I…" she let go of Sara's breast and stopped moving. "That's why I didn't tell you. I was trying to find self control. I really don't think I can…when I'm with you. I don't want you to feel upset."

"What do you want?" Sara asked huskily, she was still touching Tegan's breasts.

"You know."

"No." Sara shook her head, giving one breast a tender squeeze. "I really don't get what you mean."

Tegan swallowed. "I guess I just wanted something to fill me…I was embarrassed to ask. I thought a shower would wash it off. It didn't really, so I started fingering myself, because it's better than nothing and I didn't want to be grumpy all day because I'm horny. It's like…like I'm fourteen or something." Tegan cackled loudly. Sara was staring at her with a soft smile. "But, like, I was not like that when I was fourteen. I wasn't really a horny teenager, do you know that? I think I told you that before." Sara nodded while she laughed amusingly. "It all hit me as soon as I turned twenty, it's a late reaction."

"It'll hit you more in your thirties." Sara brushed back wet dark strands of hair. Cheeks, so soft, were traced with the tip of her fingers. "How about we take it to the bedroom, my love?"

"Umm…yeah. I mean, Sara, what…what are we gonna do?"

"Come on." Sara took her by the hand and they both walked out of the bathroom.

Two hearts drummed loudly in the silence of the apartment they shared. Sara could understand where Tegan was coming from, but she didn't want Tegan to suppress her needs just because Sara's own needs were forced away by nature. She had an idea, though it was a tad unnerving. However, she could feel that's what her lover craved solely by the amount of saturation she had left on her thigh.

Tegan sat on the mattress with awaiting eyes and an anxious smile. She hugged herself and Sara wasn't sure if she was cold or felt shy. Her face was raging with redness and her eyes were as innocent and timid as a child's.

"It should be here somewhere," Sara mumbled with a soft chuckle. "Oh, yeah." She opened the fourth drawer in her dresser. Tegan's head perked up, eyes searching in sync with Sara. Sara lifted up a pile of nightwear and pajamas, finding what she had stashed under when she moved back here. Tegan gasped. Sara twisted her neck, giving a comforting smile. She pulled the black leather harness in one hand and picked the flesh-colored phallus in the other. "This should do, Teetee."

"Oh my…" Tegan laughed, it was rather cute, like a nervous little girl laughing. Sara already started removing her white shirt. "This is…oh, wow. Yeah, okay, umm, I…"

"No?" Sara faced her student with red and white polka dotted underwear. Tegan thought it was adorable. She didn't mind a dildo, she needed it. But she would always prefer something smaller and less real looking. However, after being with Jeremy it didn't offend her that much. She knew, though, that Sara had another toy stashed there. She saw it, and if she hadn't seen it, she still remembered it.

"No, I mean…yeah, yeah." She was aware that her fidgety attitude was confusing her lover. She couldn't help it. It was who she was. She was nervous, most of the times. She usually puked due to anxiousness. She couldn't make up her mind when she was put in a situation that put some color in her cheeks and caused her heart to speed in restless throbs. It never really went away. Her school days…boy, they were horrible. Just plain atrocious. Her university days, well, those were better, except when she was around Sara. And now she was actually marrying the woman, and she still made her feel like a leaf flailing in the air after falling off a tree. "What about the other one? The purple one? It's more Tegan friendly."

"In size?"

"Perhaps…I mean, maybe, I don't know. Or color?" Tegan's legs were swaying back and forth in quick motions; her fingers scratched her left ear involuntarily.

"Oh…uh…" Sara looked at the closed drawer. "I don't think I can put the other side inside of me. Wait, let me…" Flushed and embarrassed, Sara inserted her right hand in her underwear to examine. "No…I don't think I can." She swallowed.

It happened, she made her upset. Why was she insanely dumb when it came to this? She didn't want to make her feel awful about her situation, yet she somehow did. How fucking stupid, Tegan thought. Selfish, her mind reprimanded. "Oh my god. I forgot, I forgot it has two ends. Fuck, I forgot."

"Tegan, Tegan…relax." Sara walked up to her. "I would do it with my hand but I really do want to fuck you." The way she said it was intensely sensual, how could Tegan even refuse the offer? "And look at you while doing it." Sara's hand grazed the pale skin of her cheek again. "And feel your body against mine while I push inside you. I've been yearning to do this, my darling."

She's been yearning to feel it as well; coveting the sensation since Sara had appeared in her life once again. She remembered…they hadn't had a peaceful moment of sexual serenity while using this object. The two times were rushed, full of anger, full of misery, full of tears and pain. The two times were not happy times. She couldn't feel it fully, she couldn't enjoy it.

"Okay, yeah. I want it."

"Are you sure?" Sometimes she felt too pushy, too needy, too demanding, even when it concerned Tegan. She didn't want to sound like that, especially in this situation. Sexual comfort and consent was on top of her list. She wanted to do this, even if she was hesitant at first. Now she wanted it. But she didn't want Tegan to feel forced. "Tegan? Look at me, are you sure?"

"I am positive." Small hands brushed lovely hips, slowly sliding down the thin material that covered her lower half. Sara kicked her underwear with her foot and it landed in the middle of the carpeted room.

Hands fidgeted quickly to strap the harness around a petite waist, Sara watched Tegan as she lay on her own pillow. "I want it sweet, but also rough," Tegan said. She pushed her body beneath the heavy duvet. Sara nodded. _Sweet but also rough._ She could do that, of course she could.

Tegan's skin was burning beneath hers when she positioned herself on top of the smaller woman. Her breaths were also hot, hitting Sara's neck as Sara kissed the face below her with utter tenderness. Tegan felt the kisses, the emitting heat from two bodies melting in each other's embrace, and the hardness of the phallus between her legs. A duvet protected them, dimmed the lights, erased the awkwardness of unnecessary words, but also stirred an emotion, or, rather, a novel feeling of intimacy. A domestic intimacy. Sara could feel the connection, the normalcy she always searched for. She felt the warmth in her lower abdomen. Tegan, as if she was her actual other half, did feel the comfort in spite of how bashful she really felt when Sara's hands traced her body.

But why? Why did she feel bashful and coy? Sara touched her countless of times; a myriad. Sara knew her flesh, her skin, her needs, her body and how every inch looked like. She had even noticed when she was dark with arousal, bloated before her cycle, or flushed with need. However, that sense of…of what? What was it? Of being together? Of being a couple…no, no, Tegan thought. No…of being almost a family. Actually, quite a serious couple. Yes, it was that. It felt like a honeymoon. A honeymoon after the engagement.

 _The ring, the ring._ Did Sara notice? She only took it off before her shower. She wanted to be wearing it at this moment. It felt right in this particular moment because pure need prevailed, and unwillingness seemed to be way back beneath numerous layers in their minds. "Wait, wait."

"Yes, my dear?"

"The ring. I took it off before showering; I need to put it on." Sara lifted her body up an inch, staring at Tegan's calm features. "It's in my nightstand's drawer."

Sara fetched the ring for her, it shone brightly, silver with a small diamond that could reflect their faces if it wasn't dark under the covers. Sara kissed Tegan's knuckle after putting it on her finger. "Wait. Let me wear mine, too."

"You have one?" Tegan asked while Sara stretched an arm, reaching her own nightstand.

Sara's was plain silver. Nothing too fancy, no diamond, no gleam. It was what Tegan would prefer to wear. She wondered why she had gotten the more traditional option when she was not the feminine one between them.

"It's my grandmother's," Sara said, putting her ring on. "I never saw her, do you know that?" Sara chuckled. "Mum actually mailed the ring to me after visiting, after knowing I was planning to marry you. She wrote that she would have given me her ring but she had a terrible marriage and she didn't want to pass it to me…again, at least. She wrote that her mother had a beautiful and prosperous marriage, loved my grandfather till she died with cancer. I was young, I was fourteen. They lived in France."

"Wow." Tegan held Sara's finger, inspecting the ring closely. "You're half French, Sara?"

"Well, yeah. My mother is, kinda, I mean. You know, these grandparents used to live here, in Montreal. They went on some vacation and…wait, why are we talking? We're supposed to make love."

Tegan guffawed. Her hands rubbed Sara's inked arms, it felt pleasant and soothing. "We can make love and talk, but yeah, we can talk later."

"Yeah I wanna have some pillow talk with my baby." Sara's lips touched Tegan's nose. The kiss made Tegan giggle. "Are you ready for me?"

"I think I am." Tegan hoped Sara would be gentle. She was gentle with her, without having to make it a condition, so she didn't voice it.

They resumed the kiss they were sharing in the bathroom. Playful kisses, feather light compared to their minds heavy with thoughts and plans. Their tongues teased each other; they smiled through it and even laughed at some point when their hands joined the teasing and the challenge. The sensation of erect nipples touching was entrancing. Tegan looked at their breasts and arched her back, wanting to feel more. Sara kissed her jaw.

"You like this? My nipples on yours?" A moan broke the whimpering gasps coming from Tegan's throat. Sara did her best to enhance the feeling, rolling her breasts on top of her lover's and licking beneath the protruding collarbones. "I would like to enter you."

"Okay."

"I'll see if you're ready yet, get you well prepared. I don't want pain to hit you. I presume it won't since you have been with a man a number of times."

 _No_ , Tegan thought. That doesn't mean she was used to it. It wasn't always intercourse what they had. When they had it, she usually felt sharp pain the next morning. She walked in a bizarre manner and sat with difficulty. Sara touched her folds. She was sufficiently sodden. Her breath hitched when Sara's index and middle finger rotated her clit. The fire that had been extinguished in the bathroom after Sara's emergence was once again blazing. She parted her legs inattentively.

"I believe you are ready." Sara kissed her right ear. "Are you?" she whispered and imprisoned the small lobe between her lips.

"I am," Tegan said shakily.

Sara took a hold of the dildo, guiding the tip between Tegan's legs. Through the murkiness, she could vaguely see Tegan's center—a trimmed patch of hair covered her mound; swollen clit and dark lips angry with arousal; core dripping on plain white sheets. She looked up at Tegan's face. Her eyes looked black in the darkness; her mouth was an 'o'; and her breaths were heard in the sudden silence as Sara glided the silicone along her slit. Tegan's eyes closed for a second and opened again. She took a hold of Sara's shoulder when Sara used the tip to rub the bundle of nerves.

"Yes," Tegan moaned. "Sara."

"My love," Sara mouthed, kissing pouty lips.

Soon the tip slid down till it met a rosy entrance. Sara looked down again in order to have the view of Tegan's pussy taking in her first push. There was shocking resistance as she tried to push. The tip could barely go through. Sara looked up at Tegan, whose brows wrinkled and nose twitched, eyes tightly shut. "Is this okay?"

"It's too big," Tegan said breathlessly.

"I'm not even in. Only the head. Umm, that's kinda…" Sara pushed a bit, but the she could tell that she was stretching the younger woman more than she desired it. "Okay." Sara exhaled, lightly chuckling. "How small was he? Wow. You're like…a virgin. Like the first time I did you."

Tegan's short nails dug onto Sara's shoulder. The heat increased, forming sweat on tensed brows and ruddy chests. "Smaller than this," Tegan said. "But…oh God, oh God, stop pushing please."

Sara halted and pulled out almost all the way, leaving the tip slightly in. She looked down between Tegan's legs. Half of the phallus was wet with thick fluids. Her eyes met Tegan's again, waiting for a signal. Her intention wasn't hurting the smaller woman, but shockingly, she did. "I'm sorry," Sara whispered.

"It's fine." Lightly, Tegan traced the half moons she engraved on Sara's skin. "We didn't do it this way all the time. We did it, but it was…wasn't like that all the time. When we did it, though, I kinda…was really sore after it. I could barely walk the next morning. It's weird; I guess my body isn't used to it."

Images flashed in Sara's mind of Tegan limping as she walked when the semester first started. She asked herself why Tegan was walking strangely, and now she had the answer. "Some vaginas are naturally exceptionally tight, I suppose," she mumbled. "I think I have read about that somewhere."

"Though I have really wide hips." Tegan wrapped her arms around Sara's neck. Sara gazed at the awkward movement beneath her. She was about to pull out when Tegan pushed her own body upwards, emitting a moan into the suffocated atmosphere. "Oh."

"Tee, let me pull out." They could use that vibrator; it was small and convenient for Tegan.

"No, no," Tegan uttered breathlessly. "I just…umm, I was just trying to adjust my body and I felt it…like, good felt it…"

A ghost of laughter left Sara's plump lips. She planted small kisses on Tegan's own lips. "I will push again, slower…okay?"

"Mhm." Tegan seemed too lost in the kiss to pay attention, her body was doing the job for her, Sara could tell. When she touched her clit, it was throbbing with ecstasy. Her folds were drenched.

Sara pushed more after the echo of each lascivious moan hit her ears. She rejoiced hearing the rhythm of gratified voices and relished the entanglement of their limbs when she was finally all the way inside. She had been teasingly rotating the bundle of nerves to enhance the pleasure. Her middle finger stroked the small clit lazily when her body was completely connected with Tegan's.

Eyes wide open and lips parted, Tegan's heartbeat was loud underneath her bare chest. "My baby," she murmured. Her tongue licked the skin stuck to hers. Tegan's right nipple fell in her mouth and she sucked while her eyes never left Tegan's.

"This feels nice," Tegan said.

A string of saliva connected Sara's bottom lip to the hardened bud when Sara let go with a sudden pop. "I've never wished to have a penis." Sara gave the other nipple one hard suck and left it, also, with a loud pop, earning a gasp from her lover. "But with you, I wish, I fucking wish I have one."

"I like what you have better."

"You do?" Sara kissed her again; she wondered if now was the right time to start thrusting.

"Yeah. It's uh…oh, yes, yes." Sara's hips performed small wave-like motions, without moving too much. "I mean…it's cute…beautiful actually. Like, it's pink and like, you know, made me sure I am a lesbian when I first saw it."

Sara cackled, pushing her head into her lover's neck. "So, like, if my cunt was bad looking you wouldn't have been a lesbian?"

"I would have been doubtful. Like…oh, fuck..." Gradually, Sara was giving strength and speed to the roll of her hips. "Yeah…like, I would have been, like, is it worth it to like…like pussy? Like I've seen some that are just eh…I was, I sound judgmental, but I really, you know, think yours is very fucking beautiful, it takes the prize."

Tegan was judgmental, Sara thought. She was young, which could be the reason. She didn't want her partner to be judgmental, but she was not only judgmental about others but also about herself and how she imagined a perfect body should look like. _With time_ , Sara said to herself—with time, she'd try to reduce that small mindedness. It was not a disastrous error; Tegan had a warm heart and so much tolerance. However, she was still ignorant in some matters, and with time, Sara was going to make her realize that the way she viewed beauty and ugliness was highly affected by the standards of the society they were living in.

But, the time was definitely not now. Because now Sara was beginning to thrust gently, slowly, and carefully in her lover's warm core. Tegan was holding on to her for dear life. It was rather sweet that her lover was clawing her back and wrapping her legs around her bum. Even though her skin burned from Tegan's small nails digging there, it arose some type of feral instinct, something she couldn't tame.

Their bodies were clammy and heated. The lingering scent of their perspiration and Tegan's juices was almost intoxicating. When the duvet fell down, exposing their faces, Sara looked up at the tightly shut eyes. She kissed the opened mouth and gingerly commenced adding speed and vigor to her thrusts till she slammed into her whimpering lover.

"Oh my god," Tegan squealed. She was, in a way, a machine that gasped. It was delightful to watch.

"Look at me." Her eyes were too light, too soft, and full of sweet honey. Rays of green were thin inside, as if melting within the bronze to form an unnatural color. Too beautiful, Sara wished her kid would have her mother's eyes. But this shade of hazel was rare, Sara knew. Hazel was not rare, but this exact shade was. Hers had green, as well. It was a strangely amusing coincidence. Hers was even lighter and leaned towards green more than her lover's. If she and Tegan could make a baby, the eyes would be the same. That's why, that's why their donor, she concluded, must have green eyes. She wanted their baby to have Tegan's eyes and Tegan's features. Tegan was just breathtakingly gorgeous, Sara felt lucky.

"The voices," Tegan whispered. "They're so…" With each thrust, came a loud voice as their bodies connected. It was embarrassing for Tegan.

"Our limbs are being knead and masticated, forming gentle, but rough love. These noises are the results. They are music to my ears. Nothing to be embarrassed about."

Tegan thought only dirty remarks could get her where she needed. She was mistaken; Sara's poetic words were even more effective. She felt the tip hitting that spot, massaging it, sliding through her walls, and filling all of her. She felt full and it was good, warm—it felt like floating on water, like insomnia, like scorching heat while on the pool; it hurt, but hurt well that she loved it.

She was getting there. Sara's eyes didn't leave hers and she didn't blink much. Her ears buzzed…what if she fainted? That would be amusing, wouldn't it? Sara would use it to brag for the rest of…Tegan didn't want to continue. She couldn't keep her eyes opened like that. She wanted something, anything. Anything to bite into, to suck at. The feeling was building slowly but it could happen at any second. She hadn't had such an orgasm in so long. Her lower abdomen cramped. Boiling water moved inside her stomach; slowly forming bubbles…an eruption was near.

She could hear nothing, see nothing, and think of nothing. Nothing was there to bite into but her lips and Sara's shoulder. She chose the latter, hearing a high-pitched screech from the older woman. She bit the sweaty skin and sucked as the high washed over her body. Her orgasm felt too long, or maybe she prolonged it with the twists of her hips, in order to meet Sara's. Or Sara, maybe, increased the feeling by rubbing her clit. It felt too good. All of her. Everything. Her insides were so sensitive; she felt it all, even her juices staining the sheet when Sara pulled out in a gradual, careful motion.

"Oh God...Jesus Christ," Tegan panted. The way her body missed the feeling was not quite pleasant. Pain hit her down under at the loss of the fake cock. She closed her legs and tried to tolerate the ache. "That was…" She swallowed. Tears were running out of her eyes. "That was…I've never felt like that before."

"Thought you'd squirt for a second. You shrieked so loudly I had to pull out right away." Sara stared at the glistening phallus. "This is um…it's hot." Sara chuckled as she unstrapped herself.

"I've never had that um…you know, squirting, have you ever done it to someone? Made them squirt, I mean?"

"No," Sara responded coyly. "Fuck, this is turning me on. My dick loving half is fucking…fuck." Sara glanced at the wetness dripping from the phallus with happy eyes. She sat next to Tegan and spread her legs. Disgusting, Tegan thought. How could she? Tegan didn't really get it. What if Sara was not getting turned on because she was not into her female parts? What if Sara was in one of her 'only attracted to men' phases? That horrified Tegan. She sat up, looked between her legs. The mess was not inviting, of course Sara was not going to get turned on by that.

Sara started sucking the phallus. Tegan gasped. It was the reason, it must be. She was not attractive enough. Was it her body? Did it lack feminine curves? Was it the fact she didn't have what Sara wanted inside her? But…but what about three days before in the bathroom? No, it couldn't be. But, Sara said that sometimes she and Jack watched lesbian porn to get her tuned on. Were they supposed to watch straight porn? Oh, God, straight porn was the worst. So boring, so lame, so revolting, so fucking sexist. Even straight girls watched lesbian porn sometimes in order to get turned on, Tegan had read about it online. Girls were just massively sexy, how could Sara not get turned on? Dicks were not, how could Sara crave them?

Sara was blowing the fake dick, and Tegan was horrified. She sat between her legs and watched what her eyes couldn't believe. Insane wetness, a river of juices, a puddle had already formed beneath her. "Fuck, Sara."

Sara wiped her lips and sat back. Her legs were wide opened, knees touched her chest. She looked down, her breaths were ragged. "I could feel myself getting into it while doing you; I didn't know it was…"

"Sara?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Maybe you're not getting turned on because you want a man to, you know, fuck you?"

Sara's eyebrows rose up, her lips frowned. "What?" she questioned as if Tegan had said something utterly puzzling. "Of course not."

Tegan wiped some tears that ran against her will; she had no idea why she was crying. "It just seemed like that the way you just…"

"I'm so sorry," Sara said. "I didn't even ask you why you're crying or if you're okay. Something just kicked in me when I saw your come all over the, you know, I just couldn't help it."

Sara felt stupid sitting like that. Her clit was throbbing for something, but she was stupid and didn't deserve anything. What did she do? How did she neglect Tegan and focus on her sexual feelings? That was unlike her. She never put her need first.

"Oh, I…" With sticky fingers, Tegan wiped more tears. "I'm not crying. The orgasm was so intense…I…tears are just involuntarily falling." Tegan chuckled, but it was not convincing. "Sara, we can, uh…watch straight porn or something, you know."

"God, no." Sara laughed despite the lack of amusement in the situation. "Tegan, I am exceedingly aroused at the moment and I have no idea how…I just am, and it's because of you. I am not in need to see any male nudity…in fact; I don't think it'll help." It was cold in their room, but Sara did not want to hide under the covers or get dressed. She wanted relief, desperately.

"Okay." Tegan was staring at her body with examining eyes, bringing a blush to the paleness. "Do you want me to touch you?"

"Only if you want to."

"Of course I do. You are not tired?" Hands started caressing milky thighs. Sara closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I am throbbing for you," Sara pronounced. They had an unspoken understanding when their eyes connected once again. Nothing was better than the language of facial expressions. Lips smiled and eyes twinkled. It was love, Sara knew it.

She was not really that loud, but tonight she felt like she could be loud without any restrictions. Tegan held the phallus against her clit and circled. It felt wonderful.

"I will not push it inside; I'll just tease you with it. Tell me what you want."

"I don't know…just…just do whatever, I don't care. I want…Oh, god, god, god," Sara cried, holding onto trembling thighs. "Fuck," she shrieked loudly as she looked down between her legs. Tegan rotated quickly while one finger teased an anticipating core.

"I will not push it inside," Tegan said again. Sara nodded. Yes, that was a relief, but, really, she could care less. She didn't want to be whiny. She hated being whiny. So what if she felt some pain? Tegan felt pain and it transformed into bliss. She could handle it if Tegan fucked her with the fake penis, but Tegan didn't want to, and that was good.

"Hold my hand, please." She was squirming as her insides convulsed with each gentle thrust. Tegan added a second finger, and even though she did feel some strangeness, it was not overwhelming. Tegan gripped her hand as she squeezed. Her small toes curled on the mattress. Tegan kissed her face as she squealed and gasped.

Her walls were rubbed thoroughly; massaged with care, and her clit was kissed after Tegan had finished her job kissing her upper half. Sara's hands were striving to muffle some strangely loud screeches that did not sound like her. Her face was wholly red and her breaths were heavy. "Oh Goddd…oh…oh, Tegan…"

Tegan left her clit with a pop, the way her nipple was left by Sara's mouth. She grinned at her professor while she licked her lower lip. "Goddess, still a fucking goddess."

"Please hold me." She felt so vulnerable in this moment, demanding absolute attention and care. She could not tell what was happening inside her, but Tegan was touching these places she was so scared to reach and Tegan was cautious but not a coward. She formed a scissoring motion inside her. Her two digits opened and closed so quickly that Sara couldn't keep her eyes opened.

Tegan held her with one arm. Sara, much like her student, required something to nibble on. Tegan's breast looked delicious, all swollen from her own biting. Some spots were darkened from her sucks, and she wanted to adorn the other pale parts with her trace. She sucked above the hard nipple, but Tegan pushed Sara's head down, sighing when the erect nub fell into the warm mouth.

Tegan smiled as the scene filled her eyes. Any skepticism fled her mind. Sara was sucking to the point where pain placed pleasure, but she could feel slick walls squeezing her digits, she could feel the spasms, and she knew Sara was having her orgasm. When it hit, Sara pushed her head back, screamed in obscene loudness that unraveled her true self.

"Goddess," Tegan mumbled as she pulled out. "Didn't I tell you it's psychological? I'm sure it's psychological."

Sara nodded as she regained her breaths. She smiled and panted, squeezed Tegan's hand and waited till the high went away.

"Oh my…" Tegan gasped. "Sara," she mouthed. Her eyes watched drops of blood staining the sheet where Sara sat. Sara looked down between her legs as the thick red liquid continued ruining the white material. "Sara, are you fine?"

"It's…it's normal." Sara put her legs down, cursing underneath her breath. "I had a strong orgasm. You know, it…it happens. I…" Sara kept watching the flowing blood. Tegan was not sure what to do next, was it going to continue like that? Why was it too dark and too much? That was not supposed to happen, was it? "Goddesses don't bleed," Sara mumbled, a lopsided smile masked the terror her eyes revealed.

"Let's go to the bathroom, I'll help you. I think…I think there are some pads somewhere. Can you use a tampon? How long…how long will it stay? Does it hurt?"

"Tegan, Tegan…" Tegan stood up, pulled Sara by the hand as she ignored the pain thumping in her own bones. "Calm down. I'll go wash up. It will stop. I'm not in pain. I just need you to…run to the kitchen and get me an Advil…just in case. Oh, and I made some sandwiches. Why don't we eat in bed?" Sara took one last glimpse at the sheets. She stood up, fetched her underwear, folded it, and put it between her legs as she walked. "Well, after I change the sheets. Yeah?"

Tegan nodded slowly. "Okay."

Tegan put on her pajamas and went to the kitchen. Sara wanted to talk. Well, that could mean there was something. Obviously there was something. Was Sara distracting her? _Idiot_ , she thought. Sara was at the hospital just this morning. There wasn't anything to worry about.

Sara had made hot dog sandwiches. Tegan put two sandwiches for Sara and one for herself. She opened the fridge and took two cans of beer. She felt like they did need some alcohol in their system. She grabbed the Advil and a water bottle, too. Her bones protested standing. She felt as if the sting between her legs was mocking her.

When she limped back to the room, Sara was there. Sara gasped as soon as she saw her. "The way you're walking! Are you really hurt?"

"Just a tad," Tegan mumbled. "I didn't get to wash up. I'll go pee and wash my face."

"You washed your hands before touching these, though, right?" Sara wrinkled her nose as she looked at the sandwiches. "Wait, why did you get only one sandwich for yourself? I'll go get you another one. You have to eat, sweetie."

Tegan sighed, leaving Sara with a quick nod.

When both were in bed again, biting into tasty sandwiches and sipping cold beer, Tegan asked, "How's your situation?"

"The bleeding?" Sara said with a full mouth.

"Yeah."

"I think it stopped by now." Sara took another bite; it was big, showcasing her hunger. She hummed as she took a sip of her beverage. "So, yeah, I just wanted to have some pillow talk, I guess."

"Yeah?" Tegan looked at her.

"Aha." It was awkward for Sara. Tegan could promise she wasn't horrified with that scene, yet it was crystal clear that she was. Till when? Till when? She kept asking herself. It was monotonous, boring, mechanical; the way of her life. Till ever, she guessed. "Well, I guess, I might…umm…get a vaginal ring or something. So we can get rid of this situation."

"You're so not doing that," Tegan said loudly. "That could be dangerous and not healthy for you."

"How do you know?" It was not dangerous, Tegan exaggerated. It could not suit her body, most probably. She was willing to try, though.

"Stacy and I Googled it this morning. Sara, come on. Obviously, it's kinda psychological. You're getting wetter than I am. Yeah, there is blood, but so fucking what?" Sara could not imagine Stacy and Tegan sitting together, searching about her issues without it being outrageously awkward. "You're not getting any of these, you know, vaginal stuff. Stacy said the cream could cause a yeast infection, she said you've had that before." Of course Stacy blabbered about that, when did she not speak too much! "And the other option, I guess, like, the sticker? That's just awful. The ring is the best, okay, but it can hurt your body, it can like, not suit it and not function well, and you have to, like, remove it and put it back and that's just annoying and disgusting."

"Blood is disgusting. Like, who the hell bleeds as if they have the worst fucking menstrual cycle after sex?"

Tegan puffed. "Sara." Sara did not want to hear what's next. She wanted support, was that too much to ask for? "If you love me enough, do not put your body through this. I'm begging you, Sara."

Sara could not say anything more. Tegan had used that one weakness spot. Yes, she loved Tegan, madly…and Tegan knew it, which was why she used this track to get her to stop what she had planned as soon as her pupils spotted the bloody sheet.

"Okay, umm, the house," Sara decided to change the subject.

"Yeah, the house." It seemed to be a good choice.

"So umm, what now?"

"Furniture?" Tegan suggested. "Of course we have to paint it first."

"We?"

"Yes, we." Tegan's eyes were bright once again. She beamed as she looked at her lover. "Okay, so I was thinking peach? Like, our room? The baby's room should be gender neutral, and the other one, I think it should be a guest room? I think, maybe, like, light navy blue? That would be awesome. I can paint well. We don't have to pay people. Think about it."

"Yeah, yeah. I can paint, too." Sara laughed.

Tegan took her hands and said with blooming excitement, "Okay, okay. So remember that room you wanted but it's too fucking expensive?"

"No?" Sara licked the mustard on her bottom lip.

"That one in the magazine in Stacy's place."

"Yeah?" That one was too expensive; she could never afford something like that.

"I know some guy who can make the same thing, but so fucking cheap…and good quality."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, I can guarantee he's amazing." Tegan sighed in content. Sara was astonished with the shift of mood, was it fake or was that just how Tegan was? "He was Jeremy's roommate. Okay, so he makes the best stuff. He works at some store. He can give us a discount, too. Like, he made some stuff for me, and trust me, I don't like cheap stuff, but nobody will notice, not even us."

"You seem to know a lot about…house stuff. Like, way better than me."

"Yeah," Tegan exclaimed. "It's so weird, but I love houses and that shit. Like, I was always curious so I read some stuff in high school, and look, now I'm benefiting."

"Okay. So I guess that's good because this is not my furniture. I rented this place with things in it. I just bought a couple of things."

"Yeah, exactly. I have some stuff at Jeremy's, too. Have to get them," Tegan said.

"We have to start doing this soon," Sara suggested.

"Yes."

"Are you okay now? Your…you know?"

"Yes," Tegan said. "I…" She giggled. "I will walk funny though, even tomorrow, okay?"

"Alright. I'm sorry about that."

"You can go to uni tomorrow, right?"

"Of course," Sara said.

"Okay." Tegan nodded. "So I'll take these to the kitchen. Find us some, like, movie or something so you watch while I cuddle with you and fall asleep before you because the movie is too boring, okay?" Tegan stood up, collecting the plates and empty cans.

"The beer got you all hyper?"

"Uh...yeah." Tegan nodded.

"Darling, can you get my phone? I forgot it in the bathroom."

"Sure." Tegan walked to the door.

"Oh, oh, and please, only if you can, just a cup of coffee and a slice of that cake Stacy got this morning." Sara didn't usually eat something sweet and sugary at night, but she craved that cake her best friend had brought this morning when they had breakfast together after she was out of the hospital.

"Sure, Sara." Tegan laughed and walked out.

Sara switched on the television and waited for Tegan.


	15. He's Jack

Content note: suicide/ emotional abuse.

* * *

"T. S Eliot's poetry is one of the most difficult poetry there is to understand." The professor sat on the edge of the desk as she lectured. Tegan smiled while taking notes. She was sitting in the front, hearing her favorite person explain literature with absolute devotion.

"I mean, if you take a look at _The Waste Land_ , you can see that the poem has twice as much footnotes as it does actual lines of poetry. It is a highly allusive poem; it alludes to many literary works, many historical situations, it had different languages in it." Sara looked at her own textbook, just like each student in the classroom minus Tegan, whose worshiping eyes were centered on Sara's lean body, admiring the way her lips uttered words, the way her hands moved as she explained, and the way she sat so delicately, with her legs and knees exposed to her students—pale, skinny, smooth.

"Most students on reading it the first time, the second time, even the thirteenth time can still find it very difficult to grasp anything meaningful out of it," Sara said, chuckling at her words. "I myself find it a very hard poem, it reveals more and more as I come back to it."

This morning before coming to class her and Sara had a slight argument about Sara's choice of clothes. Tegan didn't like how short the skirt was. She didn't protest, but she inquired, "Are you wearing this today?" Sara had been walking as strangely as her. Both of them were limping, but Tegan was worried. There wasn't any blood, Sara said. Just a little bit of pain, Sara told her.

"Yes, is it ugly?" Sara asked. It was short, not ugly. It was the shortest skirt Tegan had seen in Sara's closet. A professor wasn't supposed to wear a skirt this short.

"It's just a bit too short."

"Are you…jealous or…like…" Sara was smiling, but obviously it was a fake smile.

"No, God, no…Sara, it's your body, I know. I just didn't think professors could show much skin, I mean it didn't seem professional." Sara sighed and nodded.

"Tegan…I don't usually wear stuff like that and I get that it's not about professionalism and that shit to you, and it kind of makes me flattered…that you are a bit jealous or overprotective and that, but I can wear whatever I want. Plus it isn't too short, just a bit above the knees."

 _And a just bit beneath the crotch,_ Tegan thought. "Well, is there someone you're trying to seduce?" Tegan raised her eyebrows as she put on her jeans. She was gaining weight, so much weight. She struggled to button her jeans. _What the hell, Sara. You already made me unable to fit into my pants._

"I'm just so bloated today; I needed to wear something comfortable." Sara was getting irritated, Tegan could see it.

"I am bloated, too. What did we eat that I can't fit into my jeans?" Tegan puffed as she gave up her attempts to button the dark blue jeans.

Sara laughed. "I am bloated because I'm not on HRT. I have to go get a replacement of the pills today. I think Dr. Anderson might do some…cleaning up inside. It's gonna be a hell of a day." Tegan was lost. She sat on the mattress after taking off her jeans and looked at Sara choosing a shirt from her closet.

"What cleaning up?"

"You know, down there? From the blood and stuff. I do that every once in awhile because…God, it's so complicated. I mean that blood, it just had accumulated inside and I do need some cleaning up because of all the secretions and discharge that might harm me. And since my surgery was done vaginally, my body secretes really annoying fluids and they stay in there as well as blood and I don't want you to see all that during sex, I don't want it to come out during sex, the smell is enough and the bleeding…that was just…" Sara's face was crimson red; her ears looked like tomatoes soon to be shot, the remnants flying everywhere, staining the room with red.

"Are you seriously shy about explaining all that to me?" Tegan questioned. "You're sweating and all red and flushed. You look like a mother giving her kid the talk for the first time." Tegan laughed in hopes she would lighten up the mood.

Sara joined her fiancée in laughter. "I can be shy." Sara giggled. She picked a light blue button up, Tegan was sure it was hers. "We don't really talk about these things…I mean you're the first person I've been so gross around, other than Stacy, but I mean she's not my partner so I'm never shy around her."

"Yet we eat each other out." Tegan stood up and walked to the closet, too. "I honestly like when we are 'gross' around each other, it makes me feel that you, too, are a human like me and we…can be gross together. Because I think it's only fair and natural in relationships. I don't expect you to be perfect, clean, smell nice, look your best all the time, and I hope you don't expect that from me." Tegan wrapped her arms around Sara while she stood behind her. She kissed Sara's earlobe. "I'm pretty sure you don't expect it by now. I am always sweaty, smelling like a dead cow, and looking like I have married death especially when I'm menstruating."

Sara craned her neck as her face turned to look at Tegan. She kissed the pouty lips inches away from her. "These are natural things. If I don't accept or expect them I would be a terrible partner. For me, I just…don't want to put you through things you wouldn't have to go through if you were with someone your age or someone healthy at least."

How would she answer that? She thought about it as she rubbed Sara's arms. Sara was right, but she was also wrong because that was her body and it was functioning that way, and Tegan accepted that. "One day…one day I…" Tegan commenced. "One day I will go through that too, and I would want my partner to be by my side," she whispered. It was hard to imagine herself old, going through menopause, having difficulties in sex and discomfort in her own skin, hating her body, hating everything happening in it. "I expect you to be by my side and I do expect you to help me through the pregnancy and after because I think…I think I wouldn't be a fan of my body and all the changes it will go through and I will feel the same about it as you do now…towards your body."

"I would rub your tummy and massage your feet every day. I would make you whatever you crave, and read stories for the baby inside as if it would hear." Sara smiled goofily, but it was lovely. These little things, though cheesy they were, they felt wonderful and they made Tegan feel better about the entire idea.

"Yeah," Tegan whispered. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Sara turned around and smiled. "Why aren't you dressed yet? Gonna make me late again?"

"I'm not…" Tegan pouted. "I'm not fitting into my jeans." She looked down at her thighs. She had worn these particular pants a week before, and though they were tight, she was still able to button them.

"You look healthy now," Sara commented. "Here, take my jeans." Sara passed her own blue jeans to Tegan, who took them with a sigh.

"Eliot is considered as one of the most well known modernist poets," Sara continued, interrupting the brief stray of attention that took Tegan away from the lecture. "The modernist age was about experiencing new forms, new styles, trying new things with literature, and Eliot is about all of that in his poetry."

Sara stood up, and maybe her partner was right, that skirt was very short. She had not worn an outfit so revealing in front of her students ever. Eyes focused on her legs. They were beautiful, she knew that. She admired her stature in the mirror just this morning; surprised that she was actually fascinated with how she looked in that particular outfit. However, now, she felt slightly uncomfortable with roaming and searching eyes of people younger than herself, trying to study her body the way her lover did when they were alone. That was a privilege Tegan owned, but they did not deserve it.

"In Eliot's case, his poetry, the message of the poetry, or the content of his poetry is communicated as much through its form as through its message, which you'll have to get back to when we discussed content and form a week ago and connect what I'm saying right now to it."

But then again, as she walked, she remembered that only Tegan knew what was harbored beneath the fabric. Only Tegan her legs would be spread for, only Tegan could touch the delicate and tender bits of her body, only Tegan could interlace her tongue with the wet and warm parts of her skin. And that alone made her feel satisfied, proud, and triumphant.

"I mean, look at the lines in your textbook. You can see that the poem is very scattered, doesn't have a coherent structure, it's written in different languages, it doesn't have a story that follows all the way through, it's a series of fragments; that is the form of the poem. It is a highly fragmentary form of poetry, and that form is actually its message."

She hoped she was making sense to her students. Sometimes she explained without paying attention to what she was saying. After all, teaching was in a way a mechanical process, especially after one had taught the same thing over and over again. She had discussed this poem with Jack, he was obsessed with it. They went through it line by line and talked about it for months, they dug into the deepest portions their minds offered in order to comprehend its treasured meaning. But, surely, she could not explain what she discussed with Jack to her students. Maybe if it was a graduate class she could go deeper, tease them, give them more questions and make them curious. But it was only an undergraduate class and her students weren't all seniors. Plus, they wouldn't get it. They would desire to hear it from Jack, but from her, they would reject it, they'd call her crazy. They always did.

"It's a fragmented poem about the fragmentation and skepticism of the modern age, which is an age that ultimately threw God away, threw religion away, it turned to reason and science since it seemed that these two provided so many answers and so many solutions and so much truth and objectivity to these disillusioned people, but eventually the objectivity and the absence of God drew more questions, and so those who wrote at the end of the modern age like Eliot were horrified with the results of the World War and with the destruction it caused." Sara took a breath after a long sentence. She wished her students interacted more at times. Teaching did get boring when the class was silent and she had to do all the talking. "There was nothing clear, nothing unifying people or civilizations, no answers or reasons to anything happening around them, they were left with dark, empty spirits that the poetry of the age began to reflect that and we can see it in _The Waste Land,"_ Sara concluded.

"I'll let you go for now. Next class, Ms. Rain, you will present and after that Mr. Hewet?"

"Yes, I'll present next class," Tegan said. Sara smiled.

Tegan walked after Sara when the professor left the class. She ran up to her with thick books in her hands. Her backpack was opened because she didn't have time to zip it up since Sara stormed out of class in an unusual manner.

"Sara, wait up," Tegan called.

Sara turned around and stopped, waiting for her lover to catch up. "I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry."

"Oww," Tegan moaned as when she stopped. "I'm in so much pain and you made me run, fuck. Where…where are you going?"

Sara worried she had hurt her fiancée as much she was hurt the previous night. She could still feel soreness between her legs. The bleeding barely stopped only to come back again in the middle of the night. She worried and cried in the bathroom in the very early morning, which was why she had dialed up Dr. Anderson's personal number. She'd gotten it from Dr. Wilson. She didn't do that usually but the apprehension was eating her. She was assured that she simply needed a quick check up and cleaning up, or that's what she had understood.

"Are you alright?" Sara asked. "I'm…I'm going to the doctor…like I told you. Want to come with me and get checked up or something?" Tegan's eyes widened. "I guess not." Sara chuckled.

"Of course not. Never again until I give birth…or wait, I have to be naked to get the sperm in me…yes, never again till then, okay?"

Tegan was oblivious to the process of insemination, what came before and after it. Sara decided not to tell her right there—not the right time, not the right place.

"Okay, I don't want to be late to my appointment. Umm…what are you gonna do today? You mentioned something about going out with your friends?" Sara could barely recall what Tegan was blabbering about when she woke up; she had been too anxious about her situation to pay attention.

"Oh, yes. Emy and I are going to get lunch and catch up…if you say yes, for sure."

"Oh." She would probably have to get home after visiting the doctor, get some rest, and sleep for awhile — these types of visits always left her more hurt than before she was examined with sharp objects that made her despise being a woman. "Alright. Yes, why would I say no? It's your life. Eat well, alright?"

"Yes, baby. Thank you." Tegan kissed her left cheek quickly. "Oops. I forgot." She winked and left. Sara blushed when her eyes met the students passing by. They needed to tone it down. Only three weeks left and they could be free.

Tegan was excited. Yes, very excited. She arrived to the small diner fifteen minutes early. Emy texted she was on the way. Tegan sat in a dark green booth on the left side of the diner, where there was a partition setting a barrier between a line of green booths and another one. On the other side of the diner there were also many columns of booths. Tegan looked around at the college students laughing, mothers and their children talking, high school girls and boys flirting with each other. She used to come to this place almost every weakened in her first university year, before meeting Sara.

The periods of her college years consisted of several parts: before meeting Sara, after meeting Sara, when Sara was gone, when Sara returned. She took an oath she would not be the Tegan she turned out to be after being with Sara and after Sara had left. She wanted to fix things once Sara returned. Her friends deserved to be given time and attention the way Sara gave her best friend all the care the woman and her daughter required.

When Sara was inside the doctor's office, she began telling her about everything that had happened the previous week. The doctor nodded as she took notes. She also chuckled at some parts and it kind of annoyed Sara because these parts embarrassed her.

"It seems that your only concern…let's say the only thing you can't stop obsessing about is sex at the moment." Sara didn't answer the doctor's observation. "It's kind of making you abandon your health and I'm afraid this might affect your partner's health as well."

"What do you mean?" Sara asked.

"You know what I mean, Sara. Tegan is very young, you're obsessed with pleasing her that she's thinking it's her fault in a way. You just said that she's having doubts you're into men only. I think that your mind is really affecting your state of arousal."

Sara sighed. If she wanted a therapist, she could visit one. She just wanted a normal and a healthy sex life.

"You want to be on HRT again even though, trust me, you don't need them. Your body is balancing itself back; your hormones are back to…let's say almost normal. Of course they cannot be as normal as they were before the hysterectomy, but I think they are as balanced as they were before the removal of the cervix and the new rounds of chemotherapy. Sara, I can give you the same pills you used to take a couple of years ago, but they wouldn't really do much because you're good. It really was a matter of time."

"Yes, give me those pills. I used to be aroused all the time. I was always wet. They worked perfectly well with my body."

"Alright, Sara." The doctor hummed. "Why don't you change inside so I can examine you first and we'll talk about it more after?"

Emy and Tegan hugged quickly when the smiling brunette arrived. Emy had a fresh face free of makeup, and two beautiful eyes that looked too sad for the big smile on her face. Emy looked like sunset, she was beautiful. Tegan studied her features as her voice apologized inside her brain.

"God, I miss this, Tee," Emy exclaimed when their cheeseburgers and large cokes arrived.

"You miss cheeseburgers or me?" Tegan teased.

"Both, actually." There was so much they wished to talk about. Emy wanted to ask and know but her heart was too scared to touch and reach. She felt like a crumbled piece of paper soon to be stepped on. She felt like cotton candy soon to be melted on someone's tongue. She felt like dust soon to be washed up by rain. She felt empty but something in her chest felt restless from excitement. She missed her friend, a friend she once loved; someone who hurt her so deeply she had considered ending her own life. It was the same week she had been told her brother was diagnosed with cancer. She thought it was punishment for thinking and even almost attempting to swallow the drugs in her bathroom. She had never told this to anyone, and she didn't want the memory to be sparked up in her head. Everyone hurt, even Tegan who thought herself an angel and saw herself the victim, she hurt Emy and Emy couldn't forget it ever even if she had forgiven it.

"I miss you, too. I miss having my best friend, having someone to talk to," Tegan admitted.

"What about Jeremy? He's been there."

"Of course." Tegan twirled the straw in her coke to watch the ice cubes move in front of her. She wanted to crunch on each piece but she didn't want to put her hand in the coke to get the ice out, people would look and think that she was repulsive. "He's always been there. He's amazing. But I missed having someone like me, someone who understands, a girl, I mean. Someone who I can tell them about these intimate stuff that happens without being uncomfortable." Tegan was not sure if she could comfortably speak to her friend about everything that happened with her and Sara. Things were still cold and awkward, but she wished her relationship with Emy was as friendly as Sara's was with Stacy.

"I totally get you." Emy wiped her lips with a napkin. She looked so delicate while she ate, so careful, very slow—unlike two years before. She used to eat quickly and hum when the food was delicious; ketchup always ran on the sides of her lips. "My ex didn't like me talking about my problems or talking in depth about something. She was so awkward. I couldn't even discuss regular things all girls talked about; like body hair, or periods, or a firkin' movie that I loved. She was so cold all the time. She was always like, 'umm why are you telling me this?' Even…" Emy chuckled nervously. She looked as if she was thirsty for a long talk. "Even in umm…sex, she was just so…"

"Square?"

"Well, yes, but I am not much better. But just so rigid. No emotions."

"That's probably how Jeremy sees me," Tegan whispered. Emy sipped her coke and tried not to make it obvious she was blushing. Tegan wondered if there were some certain images in her head. Everybody imagined so why wouldn't she?

How did they speak of the uncomfortable things so quickly while still not comfortable enough around each other? Were they pushing it?

"Do you know that Jeremy's in Denise's birthday party? Do you think he likes her?" Emy pushed her long hair behind her left ear. Emy looked very gorgeous with long hair. She had lost a lot of weight as well. She looked way older than her university years and much more attractive that Tegan herself did not tire from staring at her.

"Yes, he told me." Tegan sighed. "Honestly, I just want him to be happy. I hope he's happy."

"Yeah…me, too." Emy paused. She smiled suddenly, a smile too bright that Tegan smiled in curiosity. "So you're gonna be Mrs. Clement soon? Are you excited?"

Tegan laughed in a pitch too high that the father on the booth on her right gave her a strange glare. She cleared her throat and took a quick sip of her drink before answering, "I guess I am. A bit nervous, but…I guess I am excited."

"I know this is none of my business but…uh…Jeremy said something about you trying to conceive, umm, are…are you really going to do that?"

"Yes." She looked her friend in the eye. She waited for the mocking answer whether it came in a shock, in a form of warning, in a form of surprise, or was plain derisive.

"Oh my God, so do you want to have a boy or a girl? A girl would look so cute. You'd name her Rose, I know you."

Tegan was flabbergasted and puzzled with the reaction she had received from no one before. Everybody preached that she was too young, she wasn't aware of what she was doing, whether she thought of it well or not, whether Sara was forcing her or not. But Emy did not even look contemptuous, her reaction was genuine, it was honest, it was nice.

"You just umm…struck me with this…I wasn't even thinking of it."

"Why not? I always think what would my first child be."

"I guess…I'm just too worried…about the whole process, I mean. Sara's been through so much. God, Emy, if I tell you, you would not believe it. The whole thing scares me. I want to get through the whole insemination process first. This is scaring me."

"Why?" Emy shrugged. "Every lesbian who's going to have a child does it. I'd do it right now."

"You want to have a child right now?" Tegan asked.

"Anytime. A little me that I'd love and kiss and take care of." Why did everybody have that instinct but her? Why couldn't she feel it? Was there something wrong with her? She loved the feeling when she babysat Ella, but she couldn't see herself with a child.

"You sound like Stacy, Sara's friend. All she does is kissing Ella and hugging her. It's so weird. It's funny and adorable to watch, too."

"Ugh, that Stacy." Emy wrinkled her nose. "She seems so…bossy."

"Welcome to my life."

"But she's kinda hot, I have to say. She has those eyes that…"

"Emy, please." Tegan giggled.

"Alright, alright. I'll close my gay mouth."

They talked a lot more. Emy was going to start teaching in a high school when the new school year started, which was in September. She had only had a small internship as a content writer; she didn't enjoy that work. Emy wanted to teach; Tegan did, too. Emy said that the high school she was accepted in was looking for more English teachers and Tegan had already taught before. Tegan didn't give Emy a promise to apply because she knew telling Sara would cause a slight issue. She didn't want to tell Sara about it now. She wanted to graduate first, maybe she and Sara would get married, and then she'd tell Sara. Being pregnant would not be a barrier to work. Everybody went on in their lives as normally as possible while expecting.

Stacy and Ella went inside the silent apartment. First thought on Stacy's mind: the apartment was insanely hot. Stacy loved spring and summer but it was too hot to be the middle of April. When she was called by Sara telling her she was in too much pain to pick Ella up, Stacy panicked. Sara said she was at the doctor and was a bit too tired to drive. The friend took a leave to pick up her kid and visit her friend.

Sara was on the couch, a blanket over her body, sweat on her brow. The TV was on. Sara's nose was red and her eyes, too.

"Sara," Stacy gasped. "Honey." She sat on the floor and bent in front of her friend. She could see dozens of sharpened knives aiming at her heart. Her stomach dropped. She looked around; Tegan was not there. _Oh, no. No, no._

"I think I'm getting sick." Sara sneezed. Stacy felt confused.

"Sara…" Words did not come out.

"My vagina hurts," Sara whispered. "She put something in there that's just…" She laughed. "I don't know what it did but it hurt and I screamed so loud when I left her office everybody looked at me weirdly. I could barely walk. And…and she was like, you're so sensitive and easily hurt, you should bear this, everybody does. I don't know who's everybody, I just don't like it when she hurts me like that, I think I wanna switch doctors. You never hurt me when you examined me at times, why aren't you a doctor?"

Stacy's face was red. She looked at her daughter's deadpan face and smiled. She hoped her daughter didn't understand any of that. She looked around again thinking Tegan would show up, but the place was so quiet. She looked at Sara and put her hand on the sweaty forehead to brush off the stray hairs. Sara's skin was burning.

"You have a fever," Stacy commented. "What happened?"

"I told you what happened. I bled all last night, I told you on the phone. I had to go and clean the inside of my vagina because I don't know why but that's what Dr. Anderson said and she hurt me and I took some Advil and now I feel cold but I guess it's because I put a bag of ice between my legs but I feel cold inside."

"Jesus," Stacy murmured. "Where's Tegan?" She spotted the bottle of whiskey underneath the coffee table. She grabbed it and lifted it up. "Really, Sara? It's barely 1:00 PM."

"I was craving." Sara yawned. "Tegan's with her friend, Emily. That one with the nice blue eyes that you hate."

"God, you're wasted." Stacy got up. "It's so hot in here." Ella took off her jacket and sat on the other couch. Stacy took off her jacket, too. She was going to cook something. She wondered if she would call Tegan and tell her about Sara's state. She wondered what Tegan was doing with that Emily. "I don't hate Emily, by the way. I don't even know her," she felt the need to say it.

"I wanna pee, take me to the bathroom." Sara stretched her arm. Stacy helped her up but Sara stumbled. "Oh, Lord. I am sweating like a pig."

Stacy decided she would call Tegan and tell her. She felt lost in a way not knowing how to handle Sara. She hadn't done that in a long time. Tegan was the one who received the burden of being with Sara, and God knows how Tegan was able to do it because it required so much patience. Sara was hard to handle at times.

Sara threw up twice. She felt better after she ate the salad Stacy made. She felt a bit sober, but a little bit dizzy. "Where's Tegan?" she asked. "I should call her. I miss her."

"She's on her way. I talked to her." Stacy was making chicken pot pie and Ella was drinking chocolate milk.

"I'll go to the living room again. I think I really am getting sick."

"It's just the whiskey, I think you're fine."

Sara walked out before answering. She felt lethargic and tired. She was sore and wanted to rest, too.

She almost slept in her seating position while watching the same dull film about a long distance relationship. She heard the door open and shut. She heard Ella squealing, uttering the mispronounced name of her lover. She heard Stacy greet Tegan and heard Tegan's resonant octave wonder about her state.

"She's in the living room." The voices were getting closer. Sara crooked her neck to watch them enter the small space. "Here she is."

"Baby, are you alright?" Tegan sat next to her and kissed her cheek. "You have a fever." _I know._ Sara smiled.

"What's that in your hands?" Sara asked. The folded paper caught her attention.

"Oh, this." Her lover chuckled. "I found it on our door."

Sara took the white piece of paper and read, " _Loudest lesbian couple: louder than porn_." Stacy's eyes were big, cheeks were red. "Oh, boy. Who put this?"

Tegan was too embarrassed to speculate. She remained silent. When she saw the note, she removed it quickly, feeling shameful. She thought of her mother and how ashamed she would be, she thought of everyone who she had given an image full of innocence and perfection. The entire complex heard her voice, how embarrassing and shameful.

"Don't worry, we'll move and nobody can make fun of your moans and screams anymore."

"My moans and screams?" Tegan shouted. Her eyes were dark enough to draw a hole in Sara's face.

"Just kidding, just kidding. I wanted to see your reaction, chill." Tegan didn't like it. There was a time for joking and that time wasn't when Stacy was around. She didn't appreciate Stacy knowing these details. Stacy was too quiet, probably judging her, not Sara, but her—only her.

"I'll continue cooking," Stacy announced. She walked to the kitchen but Ella didn't follow.

"Relax," Sara said. Her hand caressed the flushed face before her. "She's not a stranger. We can make fun of her, too."

"No," Ella protested. "No making fun of mummy." Tegan smiled and picked up angry Ella, who was hitting Sara's leg with her small, non harming hand.

 _I wish you'd stop making fun of everything to hide how hurt you are. I wish you'd realize I can see it and everybody can. You never change._ "How are you feeling?" Tegan asked.

"Honestly?" Sara bit her lower lip as she played with Ella's hand. Ella's left thumb was in her mouth. "Kinda sore. It's like she put a knife in my vagina or something."

"Shit." Tegan tried to take Ella's thumb out of her mouth but the four-year-old slapped Tegan's hand. "Oww."

Ella looked at the two of them for a moment and asked, "What's a vagina?"

Sara laughed as she sat back. "It's where you pee from, kinda."

Tegan didn't want to be there and hear Sara explain what's what to Ella. She hated these parts and didn't think she could do them with her own child. It made her feel awkward.

"No," Ella said. "That's not a vagina."

"Then what is it?" Sara asked, amused.

"I can't tell you." Ella covered her mouth, gasping.

"Your mum is so gonna make you look like naïve little idiot, baby."

Stacy was still in the kitchen and Tegan hoped she wasn't hearing Sara's comments. But why did she care anyway? Tegan yawned and put her head on her fiancée's shoulder.

"Do you have a vagina?" Ella asked.

Tegan snorted, nodding. "I do." She felt tired. She was full and exhausted. She wished Stacy would take her kid and leave so she could be alone with Sara.

"Show me."

"Whoa, hey, no," Sara said defensively.

"Sara, you taught her a new word and she's going to abuse the use of it. Congrats." Tegan got up to go to the bathroom.

After changing her clothes she went to the kitchen to grab a freezing cold glass of water full of ice cubes she could rest her mind with. It was a very hot day and her body was on fire. "Where's my ice?" she wondered loudly. Only Stacy was in the kitchen, sweating and baking.

"In Sara's crotch."

"What?"

"She put it in a bag and put it on her crotch. I have no idea how she's dealing with a cold vagina but…well, it's Sara."

Tegan didn't say anything else. She went to the living room and snaked her hand inside the blanket. Sara giggled when Tegan's hand was searching. "Did you really take my ice to put it on your vagina?"

"It was sore," Sara said.

"You're weird." Tegan touched between Sara's legs. The professor was wearing sweats.

"What are you doing? The ice started melting and I threw it away, it's not here."

Tegan felt stupid. Of course it would melt. "I'm going to study in our room. If you need anything, tell me."

What Sara wanted was to talk more to her partner, to ask her about her day, to hear comments and banters. She also wanted to tell Tegan about her morning and what the doctor had said. Tegan didn't even ask her if everything was alright, if anything was wrong.

Why was there always a lack of communication, a lack of understanding, a lack of emotion—there was always a lack of something. Why? She wondered if they were ever going to cross that bridge. Her feelings were like small petals falling from a daisy, scattered everywhere. What was the gap exactly? God, it couldn't be the freaking age. Tegan acted older than her at times. What was the missing piece between them? What if it ruined their relationship?

Sara cried in front of Ella. She cried for half an hour in silence and Ella did not say anything at all. After that she went to the bathroom and showered. She found the dining table ornamented with food and drinks when she left the bathroom in her towel.

"I'm very disappointed that you're teaching her words like that," Stacy said. Sara grabbed a small piece of cucumber from the salad bowl and put it in her mouth. The strands of her hair that escaped the towel were the reason behind the drops of water on the floor.

"It's a very normal word that she has to know. It's psychology, Stacy. That's very normal and if she doesn't know the normal things she's going to be shocked and traumatized or something when she grows up."

"Raise your kid the way you want, I'll raise mine the way I want." Stacy was cold and cruel. Sara rolled her eyes only to get rid of the tears locked inside. "Dinner is ready."

"Thank you."

Sara walked to her room. Tegan had fallen asleep face first on her book. She woke her up gently, placing her pruny fingertips on the red parts of the younger woman's face. Tegan didn't wake up immediately but turned and groaned a couple of times before opening her eyes. She yawned, rubbing the small puffy lids before closing them again and burying her face in Sara's towel. Sara could feel her chest rising and falling. She looked peaceful.

"You have to eat."

"You smell nice," Tegan commented.

"You're awake. Get up. Change your clothes and let's eat."

They both dressed quickly without talking much. Maybe she read too much into it, maybe things weren't as complicated as she perceived them and she was being paranoid. She sighed when she sat on the dining table and ate. Stacy and Tegan talked about the weather, and she talked about what the doctor told her when Tegan finally asked. When she asked about the day with Emy, Tegan didn't say much.

"It was good," Tegan said. "We caught up. She's a bit changed."

"How changed?" Sara asked. Stacy looked at their mouths chewing and talking.

"So quiet. No life in her eyes. Lonely. Scared."

"Like all of us?" Stacy remarked. Tegan looked at her for a second and then agreed with a nod.

Stacy and Tegan both washed the dishes and talked about Sara's medicines.

"I need to sort out the pills she and I take; I almost mixed them up yesterday. They look too similar right now. She said we won't mix them up putting them in the same box. I tend to forget taking my vitamins so she put them with her pills to give them to me."

"I'll help you. I know what each one is for," Stacy offered.

"Thanks."

Tegan opened up two bottles of beers, one for her and one for Stacy. Sara didn't want one because she felt queasy. "I ate too much," she said. "I don't think I can even drink water right now." She was playing with Ella using the tea set the toddler left in Sara's place.

Stacy held up a red pill and looked at it closely. "This is your iron supplements, right?"

"Yes." Tegan thought Stacy knew well. What if she mixed them up and gave her the wrong pills on purpose to hurt her? _No, don't think like that, stupid mind._

"I took these when I was pregnant."

"Stacy, uh…leave these, I know how to sort them," Sara said. She crawled to where Tegan and Stacy were sitting on the floor. "Give me…"

"Why are you taking this? Oh my God." Stacy held up a white tablet in her hand. Sara reached for it quickly.

"Uh…the doctor said so? These are my vitamins," Tegan said. "Sara, what the hell?" Sara closed the yellow box.

"These are not vitamins," Stacy observed.

"Stacy," Sara called out.

Sara's actions and the way she shouted confounded Tegan. She looked at her partner in perplexity. "What's going on?"

"Why the hell is she taking fertility drugs?" Stacy, who would die if she kept anything unsaid, blurted out.

"Fertility drugs?"

"Tegan, listen…"

"I can't fucking believe you," Tegan cried. "It makes sense. It makes perfect sense why I'm gaining weight, having hot flashes and is as aroused as a fourteen year old boy. I just…"

"Tegan," Sara attempted again. If she could murder Stacy, she would. She only hid it so Tegan would not feel terrible about herself. Her intentions were pure, but knowing this way made her seem like a monster and she felt like one. Tegan was going to despise her. Why didn't she think of it that way? "Dr. Anderson was going to tell you in the next appointment. You need these to get pregnant. At least two months before insemination. I didn't want to tell you now because I didn't want you to be paranoid about it and I didn't want you to watch your body and monitor the changes."

"Why would I? I already have a fucking monitor living with me." Tegan was frustrated, planting anger wherever her eyes looked.

"Calm down," Sara said. _At least wait till Stacy's out_. She wanted to send her signals through eye contact.

"I will not fucking calm down." Tegan's voice was loud and raging. The neighbors certainly loathed them. "God, I am tired. I am fucking tired. It's my body. _My body_. When are you going to get that it's my body?" Tegan started crying. "I have the right to know, tell her, tell her, " she addressed Stacy.

"Don't bring Stacy into this."

"I will," Tegan screamed. "Would you fucking let someone to control your body like that? Would you? Answer me, answer me…" Stacy was the wrong person to ask, she had already allowed her body to be controlled and chained and abused, but the moment of pain Tegan was in didn't permit her to think clearly. She felt that her heart was going to give up on her. She was trying her best to see Sara's actions as benign and good-natured, but this time she failed.

"Look, Tegan, I'm pretty sure there has been a misunderstanding, why don't you sit and we can discuss it…"

"Of course, of course you're going to fucking say this, you're her friend. While…" Tegan sniffled. "I have no one here that can defend me. I am so stupid and am taken advantage of. Do you even love me or do you just want my children?"

"How can you say this?" It was time for Sara to shout. "Is it about that? You don't want to have children? We won't. I asked you many times. That's why I asked you. I fucking made sure. I thought I was doing what's best, I swear. If you don't want children, we won't have children."

"Good, because we fucking won't." Tegan took a deep breath. "I'm going to the room and you're not coming in tonight. I need to be alone."

And so Tegan spent it crying all night while writing her graduation research paper in Sara's room. She had put on her music and muted any unnecessary voices that could disturb her sadness. That was the first serious fight she and Sara had during this relationship. It was one of those fights her parents used to have, the ones each relationship contained. It was serious and not serious at the same time. She still wanted to give Sara a child, but she hoped what she'd said would give Sara an idea of the fault in their relationship. She had never been so submissive, never in her life. With Emy, she was the one who set the rules and had the final word. Even with Jeremy, though he was the man, she still was the one whose words were never repeated twice. It was not a case of femininity and masculinity, she knew it, but men tended to be more dominating, except Jeremy. But Jeremy loved her and he was ready to set himself on fire for her.

She pondered if Stacy and her child were gone, if she had consoled Sara or reprimanded her. Stacy seemed shocked to learn that Tegan had been given these pills, which Tegan had spent a portion of her night Googling all their side effects. Her body felt like an experiment that's about to fail. Her mind felt like a small cube with pins poking out of it from every side.

When she woke up and left her room to go to the bathroom, the entire place smelled like a hospital. Stacy stood in the hallway near the closed bathroom door. She looked as if she hadn't had an hour of rest. "You're here?"

"She's been puking all night. Didn't stop. I couldn't leave her."

Tegan felt terrible. She went in the bathroom and saw Sara naked in the tub. "What happened?"

"I don't know," Sara said groggily. "I think the new hormone replacement is kinda foreign to my body, even though I've taken it before." Tegan sighed, she didn't have the energy to preach.

 _You're a mess and you want to start a family. A big mess._ "I'm going to use the bathroom, I don't care that you're here I need to get to university."

"Me, too," Sara stood up.

"You want to go while feeling like this?"

"I have stopped throwing up for a few hours. I'll try not to eat much and drink tea."

Tegan didn't reply because she was angry, Sara thought. They took the quickest shower together while blankly staring at each other. They left the bathroom finding Stacy in the kitchen. A pang of guilt touched Sara's heart. She had made her friend sit all night with her as she cried and whined and complained about her relationship, she made her friend clean her puke the way she once did.

"Stace, you can shower."

"No, I need to get home quickly, shower, and get Ella to kindergarten then go to work. We both need to change." Tegan had already left to their room. "Are you good? You want anything?"

"No. Thank you so much."

"Anytime, Sara."

In class, to sneak out from lecturing, she made her students write a poem about what they were feeling in the morning while she sipped lemon-flavored tea and stared at Tegan closely, thinking of a way to make it up to her. After class she felt queasy again that she left quickly to her office and tried to empty her stomach in her own bathroom. She informed her secretary not to let anyone in so she could rest alone in her office.

Half an hour later, her phone wouldn't stop ringing. She picked it up angrily without taking a look at who was calling her. "Hello?" she said harshly.

"Sara?" Tegan spoke. "Where are you? I tried to come to your office but…"

"Oh, come, come, I told Celine not to let anyone in, I wanted to nap."

Silence and heaviness hovered in the air as both of them faced each other in Sara's office. A phone call interrupted Tegan's first sentence, making her huff in exasperation.

"Okay, alright. I'll be there in ten minutes."

Tegan sighed in sync with Sara when the professor hung up. "The dean has a meeting with every professor in the department in ten minutes. I guess we can't talk, again." Sara shook her head.

"I just wanna know why." Sara was dressed in pink, which was rather strange because Sara scarcely wore bright colors. She supposed the spring affected her choices. Her shirt was a button down and her trousers were Tegan's favorite high-waisted, grey ones.

"You know when I told you that you don't have a high sex drive? In order to conceive you have to take fertility drugs, especially that it would be your first child. When Dr. Anderson told me this, I didn't want to make you anxious with it, because you already were. We agreed to tell you they're just vitamins until we decided on a date to conceive, which we already talked about…June."

Tegan rubbed her eyes. _We agreed, we decided, we did, we…we…we, what about me?_ "I should have had a saying. I am a human, you know that I am a human and this is my body you are deciding what to do with it. I feel like I am not in charge of my own life…" Tegan paused when Sara's glare grew intense. Sara was staring at something right behind Tegan. She tried to catch the professor's attention but Sara's eyes were fixed with displeasure.

Tegan looked behind her. Two students stood there, facing Sara. Tegan almost jumped. _When the fuck did they get in?_ She looked at her partner again.

"Who let you in?" Sara asked.

"The door was not closed; we want to talk to you about…"

"Who allowed you in my office?" Sara was angry, in a way that anger could mean way more than it did.

"We want to talk to you about the other day in class." They both sat on the leather sofa.

"Did I tell you to sit?" Sara's cold and quiet tone made Tegan shiver. She'd seen Sara angry, but never this angry. What was that about? Tegan's heart raced. Sara's eyes were frightening. "I did not let you in. I did not tell you to sit. The girl here was telling me about something personal and you invaded her privacy." Her voice arose, it scared Tegan how much anger she could hold inside. No wonder her students despised her. Tegan's legs were shaking. "Get out of my office," Sara shouted.

"But…"

"I told you to get out," Sara screamed. "Are you stupid? You must be stupid that you're not leaving. Do you want me to make you leave myself?" Sara stood up.

When the two girls left, Tegan blinked and took a breath. "That was not necessary. That was very…"

"I hate these two. I hate them. They frustrate me and I didn't allow them in nor allow them to sit. Where the fuck is Celine?"

"You need to calm down." Tegan could see how shaky Sara felt, how frustrated, how outraged. _Why all that?_ "Give yourself a break. We'll talk at home."

"Thank you," Sara mouthed. Tegan unzipped her backpack and handed Sara her water bottle. Sara took a swig and thanked her again.

"Keep it," Tegan muttered. Sara took her phone and walked out with Tegan who looked too concerned to let her go like that. She hadn't seen such a display of irritation. Sara was a monster in classes at times but never treated a student in such an inhumane way. She had exaggerated and it made sense why her students hated her guts.

"I'll be early when…" Sara paused and Tegan almost gasped too loudly when their eyes met a face so familiar to the two of them, to Sara more than Tegan.

"Wha…what are…" Sara couldn't let her voice leave her lungs as she looked up and down at the smiling man standing in front of her.

"Sara," Jack said. His voice was mellow, like sunrise, like a lullaby, like someone's favorite quote from a random book. Tegan could see why, why Sara paused and lost her words and her anger and her confidence all at once. It was Jack.

"What are you doing here?" Sara said after swallowing. Was Sara going to cry? Why did her irises look like the sun? Why were they so yellow and light and reflecting so much, so much credulity and purity?

"I'm going to teach here…starting the summer semester and onward. I was requested actually and I…I didn't mind it really, it's a change of scenery." Jack was looking at Tegan, examining her as he spoke. His words didn't make sense to her. "I came here today to receive my new office, I guess…" Jack looked at Sara's closed door and pointed at the one next to it. "I guess my office will be next to yours." Sara looked at the office Jack pointed at but Tegan couldn't. "I…there's this meeting to meet everyone. I'll just put my things and I'll catch up, I guess that's where you are going?"

Sara looked as if she was paralyzed when she nodded. Tegan wanted to throw up

"That's…she's a professor here? I think I've seen…oh, that's…isn't that your…oh…" Jack blinked. He removed his glasses, squinted at her and wore them again. She wanted to bark in his face because it felt that he would get scared and run. She didn't, though. She wanted to punch him in the eyes, too…but she didn't.

"That's Tegan, yes…we're getting married," Sara announced, or more likely, bragged. "Tegan that's…he's…"

"He's Jack, I know." Tegan walked away because if she stood another second she was going to choke Jack with his tie.


	16. Halo

When I wrote Halo, that's what I imagined was happening with Sara. I always wondered whether people could see it, too. I put hints in Halo in the last four chapters, but I don't think anyone noticed. Enjoy Sara's P.O.V.

* * *

They haven't said anything besides that despicable question Sara asked when she got home. Jack was back. Jack, the man Sara loved, had had a child from; had had a strong relationship with, was back. Sara's ex husband. He's back. He's not only back but he was working with Sara, next to her. He was going to work with Sara and Tegan was going to graduate this month. How ironic was life! Why this place? Out of all places? He was chasing Sara again, Tegan knew, Sara knew, Stacy would probably say that, too.

 _So are you gonna leave me now?_ Sara asked as soon as she faced Tegan in the kitchen. She put her black briefcase on the floor and cupped her face. Tegan looked at her from her periphery as she stirred the chicken soup she was preparing.

Sara walked away before Tegan could speak. It was fear once again that dwelt in Sara's chest; the fear of being abandoned. _So are you gonna leave me now?_ Tegan could not get the irksome question out of her head. That's how her lover dealt with relationships, that's how her past lovers dealt with her, that's what Jack and his likes did to her. They left her when she was hard to handle, when she made mistakes, when she couldn't express herself or what she wanted, when she had it tough and was reflecting it on them.

It was that after all the preaching and promises, Sara still felt that Tegan was going to leave. Tegan was angry and upset, but there was always discussion and talk as an option to solve issues and errors. Sara didn't have that in mind; it was either perfect or she was supposed to be dumped. It made Tegan feel sorry for this woman she was going to marry. How was she going to marry someone who was scared of their own actions and their own self? How was this woman going to become a mother?

Tegan remembered the notebook and what was written, she remembered Sara's thoughts and how hard it was to read them, she remembered the pain that was written in each page, she remembered and recalled what Sara felt…but she could never feel it. Life was cruel to her, that's why, Tegan thought. Life was not Sara's friend so she assumed that she would be left in every possible occasion.

She was curious about the silence in the apartment. She took careful and slow steps with her bare feet towards the bedroom. Sara was not there. She walked to the bathroom, the door was not closed and the shower was running. Sara was in there. She didn't want to let Sara know she was there but she worried Sara might be hurt or in pain when she heard the sobs of her lover. She took a quick look. Sara was alright. She was taking a shower and crying, something Tegan had done many times.

She could go there to comfort Sara but she wanted to support her decision of making Sara regret her past actions by being cold and hard-headed. She went back to the kitchen. She cooked for her lover and made a soup. Sara was still hurt from the previous day; she could see it in her walk. She made pasta; it's one of the few things she did well. She made it with a thick white sauce that she took its ingredients from Sara's recipes notebook. She put chicken and mushroom and broccoli; it was almost like a fettuccine but it did not have the same pasta. She used the Penne Rigate box Sara had in the cupboard next to the fridge. She wanted to brew coffee for Sara but didn't want to increase the stress the older woman was in. Sara never drank water, it was quite unhealthy. She didn't want to give her beer or a soda. She poured water in two glasses with ice in each. Sara never showed any aversion to ice before, but never showed any love for it, too.

She went into the room. Sara was on the mattress. A pout on her face and tears in her eyes. Tegan put the food on the nightstand beside Sara. Sara cried after making a mistake. Tegan couldn't understand this childish behavior but it reminded her of herself a few years back.

"I'm not leaving," Tegan said. "But one day I just might if you keep it like that." She didn't want to be harsh but that was the truth that stained Tegan's chest. "If you keep holding the remote control over my life, I might leave because I can't deal with being treated like that."

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry." Sara was begging; hands holding her lover's, face pleading with regret. "I don't know why I did it. I don't know."

"You don't know why you do a lot of things." Tegan sighed. "I can't believe a doctor suggested the idea. How unprofessional."

Sara cried more. "She didn't. I did. She only agreed." Her face was not down; it was at level with her partner's. They looked each other in the eye. Fear stood there and past haunted Sara's eyes.

"Still unprofessional. If my mother knows about it, her thoughts that you are using me for my body would be proved correct."

"I am not." Now Sara's face was down, eyes staring at pale hands in shameful regret. "My life seems to keep falling apart. My life seems to keep falling apart," she cried with hiccups.

"It's not falling apart. I'm…I'm not going to stop the drugs or the vitamins. I promised you we would start the process within a month, I'm keeping my promise."

It was not that. No. Sara cried for another reason. It was strange that Tegan seemed to have forgotten about it. Did she really forget? Or was there another blow?

"Jack is going to live here." Sara sniffled.

"I know."

The professor shook her head as more tears left her eyes. "It took me…it took me years to break away from the mental abuse I was put in. Years to stop seeing his face in each dream; as a monster, a joker, a ghost, a villain. It took me years to stop hearing his voice, to stop waking up in the night because I'm scared of him."

Was that the same Jack she described with a smile? Tegan moved closer to her woman.

"Tegan, Jack hurt me. He was not good with me. He hurt me. He cheated on me. I loved him, though. I truly did. He was only good when we dated. He was only good when I was pregnant. He never hurt me physically but he did emotionally and I thought I'd always be scarred because of his actions. It took me years to forget his lingering presence that made me want to vomit at times because of how terribly I loved him and how terribly it did hurt me being around him."

Tegan didn't know what she was supposed to say. What was there to say?

"I ran away from him. I ran away still loving him and I never understood why I did, why I loved such a man that wanted to see only the smile on my face, the happiness in my voice, the delicacy in my touches…he never wanted to see the image you're seeing now and it shocks me that you're so okay with me crying, bleeding, hurting like that. It shocks me that you're so okay with me being an asshole and an abusive person like that."

"No, no, no," Tegan talked. "You're not like that. Don't say that. You're not abusive. You're not. You're controlling and dominant, yes. You're not abusive and you're not an asshole."

"When I was sick, you know, you read it, when I was sick he stood by my bed, he caressed my cheeks, he cried for forgiveness. I was not in love with him anymore, only then I could see how badly he did hurt me. I never wanted to talk badly of him but then I saw, I saw, I heard. I was almost in a coma but I did see and hear. I had been enlightened in that state. I thought it was the light before death, where you finally see things; see them clearly…become aware of your surroundings, because just then I saw how badly I hurt you, too. I understood everything."

And to that, Tegan couldn't respond as well. She took the white porcelain bowl and stirred the soup with a spoon.

"But I didn't want to go back to him even when he promised he wouldn't do what he did, say what he said to me. He promised to love me right. I didn't want to go back to him. I told him about you and about how much I loved you. See, he's here to get revenge. He's here to try to come between us, to take my life away, to destroy my love and what's remaining of my happiness."

"Open your mouth," Tegan whispered. Sara wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She opened her mouth and Tegan put the spoon inside. Tegan hoped it's not too hot. "He won't come between us. He won't if you don't let him."

"Mmm," Sara's eyes closed like a kid would close their eyes when they were tired and sleepy. Sara was beautiful, so beautiful, breathtaking…in each state, she was always handsome.

"Do you like this?" Tegan fed Sara more soup. The older woman held her lover's sleeve tightly as she swallowed the warm liquid that appeased her angry stomach.

"Yes," Sara almost moaned. "It's delightful."

"Are you still in pain?" Tegan asked. She kept feeding the shivering professor.

Warmth spread through Sara's body. Being taken care of like that soothed her pain, whatever pain it was. She felt like she needed such caring actions, such tender touches, such calm words. She was glad Tegan didn't shout nor yell. She warned though, and she did it coldly. But it was better than the shouting and the screaming Sara was used to from different people.

"Are you still?" Sara asked.

It was strange though; Sara was the one who was supposed to take care of her student, attend to her needs, cook for her, feed her, give her all the motherly affection she had restored in her bosom.

"Do you forgive me?" Sara asked again.

She didn't want Tegan to leave her for being weak but Tegan didn't seem to care. She let her show her vulnerabilities and talked to her about them. In relationships (her friends at university told her) both parties should give an equal amount of attention to each other, should take care of each other the same way. It felt hard for her to see that with heterosexual relationships. It always felt like the man was the one who gave because he was dominant and the woman received and whined because it was adorable to be this way. Dana told her she was wrong and that's how a relationship would be broken. In same sex relationships Sara was still struggling with the gender norms. She never wanted to be the one wearing the pants and making the rules, but with Tegan she felt that it was necessary because Tegan was young and required care. Her friend Charlotte told her that this was not the same case; Sara was seeing herself as a mother to Tegan more than a lover and that's a worse destruction to a relationship. But Sara didn't know how to act in a different way. Her lover was small and dependent, she loved that, she loved it. Her lover was quite childish and it amused her. She knew that even if she had a child, she would still treat Tegan the same way.

But now in her state, with Tegan feeding her and wiping the residue of soup off her face; helping her drink water and stroking her hair, she began to understand Tegan's view. It did feel nice being treated this way, to her, but to Tegan it only felt nice once in awhile. To her it felt normal, she loved it, she craved it, she wanted it. It brought her back to her eight-year-old self in her mother's lap, her mother telling her a story and putting a small spoon in her mouth. While all the kids her age laughed at her. Stacy and Audrey made fun of her. No eight-year-old was still sitting in her mother's lap while her mother fed her. When Sara was in her mid twenties, she liked to joke about it. "Everything was always three years late with my mother. I think she thought I was an animated doll not actually a person." She almost laughed remembering so. She wanted to tell Tegan.

Tegan was going to feed her the pasta and her mouth was watering due to the smell. It looked so good. She looked up at Tegan in wonder.

"I'm not in pain. I forgive you. I understand you, Sara. I just want you to understand me, too."

"See, that's why I'm an asshole, because it's so hard for me to understand you at times. I act on what I think it would be right for me, but not for you. I don't get my brain."

"I want you to stop insulting yourself, please." Tegan tasted the pasta before Sara, just to see if it's hot or cold or needed anything extra. It was amazing.

Sara wanted a taste quickly.

"See? That's how I feel when you insult yourself and feel awful about it."

"Fair enough." Tegan held the fork to Sara's mouth and Sara took a quick bite.

Sara moaned. "This is so good," she said while chewing. "Who made it?"

"I did." Tegan smiled. She was not angry, that was good. It was great.

"Really? You're so good. How about you do the cooking from now on and I do the eating?" Tegan laughed loudly. It felt good to hear her beautiful laughter.

"I'm gonna deliver and feed the baby, you will do the cooking and cleaning."

"Deal." Sara grinned. "I wanna kiss you. I love you. I'm sorry."

"Come here, then." Tegan put the plate on the nightstand, held her professor's face and kissed her sweet lips, the taste of the pasta on her tongue.

"I love you, too," the younger woman whispered. "Don't do anything without telling me anymore. Don't take any decision I should take without me knowing first."

"I won't. I promise you." Tegan ate a bite from her plate and fed Sara after. "I like this."

"Me feeding you?"

"Yes." Sara tucked her hair behind her ears and rubbed her eyes. "It reminds me of when mother used to feed me when I was eight and Stacy and my cousin would make fun of me."

"Your mother used to feed you like that when you were eight?" _It's weird, I know,_ Sara thought to say, but didn't.

"My mother's possessive. She did everything a little bit longer than other mothers."

"I'm kinda curious about when were you potty trained but I feel like I don't wanna know."

Sara laughed. "That's the only thing she did right as I've been told. Aunt Tara, Stacy's mum, told me she forced mum to potty train me when I turned two."

"And you make fun of my mum?" Tegan shook her head as she tsked. "How did your mum even let you have a life, Sara? She seems as if she thinks you're…"

"An animated baby doll," Sara cut her off.

"Yes, exactly."

Sara took a sip of water and Tegan did so, too. Her fiancée bit on the small ice cubes and chewed. Sara left them in the water; her teeth were very sensitive to crunch on ice. "When I hit puberty, I was ten, she was very shocked and I was not given the talk yet, of course, so I was shocked, too. I thought I was dying. She didn't know how to explain it to me so she drove me to Aunt Tara and told her to do so."

"Awww." Tegan had never thought Sara's mother was like that. When they were together two years before, Sara described her mother as if she was some type of a hulk that spread terror; a scary woman. Now it just seemed that Sara's mother was scared of letting go of the only thing that made her happy; her little girl who sought independence all her life due to her mother's actions. "That must have been awkward."

"It was. It was so awkward. But Tara's nice and she's like a mother to me, so it was okay. Stacy was sitting there eyeing me from the corner of her eyes as if I was a new person now because I started before her. That was the awkward part about it."

"Oh boy, I imagine that Stacy is like your mum when it comes to these things. She's so awkward. You'd probably find her outside our door with Ella in few years from now making us tell Ella why women bleed and where babies come from."

Sara took Tegan's wrist and dragged her closer when they were done with their food. She made the student sit beside her while she rested her head on her shoulder. "I think so, too. But you're kind of awkward as well."

"I mean, yeah…but not to the extent that my daughter doesn't know she has a vagina." Sara giggled and Tegan kissed her forehead.

"How was it for you? When you started your first period?"

"Oh, I knew. I was thirteen. I was waiting for it, thinking it's some kind of a magical experience." Tegan chuckled at the memory. "All my friends at school were talking about it and I just felt left out, so I was waiting."

"You regretted it then, I bet?"

"As soon as I knew why I was being stabbed in the back, I did." Tegan lay down and Sara lay beside her, put her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes. "Sara?"

"Mhm." Sara was thinking, thoughts troubled her. Sonia took a decision on behalf of her daughter two years before and she did take one on behalf of her two months ago. It was not right, how did a past experience that didn't end well motivate her to take a decision that she was not supposed to take without Tegan's consent?

"Are you in pain down there?" She heard Sara's faint laugh. "Because you were in the morning," she said hesitantly.

"I'm good. Only when I walk, it stings a little bit." Why were they racing like a train in her mind? The memories? The thoughts? She was scared of seeing Sonia once again, scared of calling her to discuss the small wedding dinner she had in mind, scared to face her and smile in her face. She could barely look Jeremy in the eye, how was she going to look at Sonia?

Tegan didn't know the exact words and precise actions she had done. Only Sara knew. She told Stacy but never wrote the details in her notebook. Tegan didn't ask; she was only angry at her mother. Sara was glad Tegan didn't ask.

How could she forget that day? The image was never to be erased. She remembered she was clad in a thin white shirt and her lover was in her underwear and a wife-beater. The mother was smartly dressed, looked elegant, looked a lot like her mother when it came to clothing. But when Sonia opened her mouth she could sense there was empathy in her tone and love in her eyes. There was only little judgment and even though that's bad, it's still better than what she had expected.

She was very ill back then. Her legs could barely carry her but she had to play tough because her lover was young and couldn't get it. She had to be a mountain in the morning because she was always melting snow at nights. Tegan carried her and loved her at nights when she fought and shrieked and said nonsense, but in the morning it had to be forgotten.

The pain in her lower abdomen scorched her as she sat with the mother who asked one question after the other. Her heart cried heavily but her eyes remained focused. Her anxiety was munching on her. She saw thin drops of red on her underwear and felt unfamiliar pain in her body; she sat with the mother of her lover and heard words that stung her deeply. Her world was crashing down and nobody could see it or feel it. In that moment she realized that, truly, she had nobody while everyone had someone to support them. Tegan was not there yet to see what was happening, she was being suffocated. Tegan had her mother for support. Everybody had somebody while she was dying. And she truly didn't know what was happening to her, how would she know when she was too scared to see a doctor?

"I gave Tegan the choice if she wanted to leave or stay, she chose the latter," Sara told the mother. She didn't want Tegan to go but never wanted to hold her captive in the dungeon of misery. Sonia was right, Tegan was just a kid. "I don't mean to make her life a living hell. I was fine one second and we were happy and now..." She was about to lose it and cry. She could feel her trembling lips and wrinkling nose, she could feel the thousands punches hitting her right where the pain in her cervix danced. "I love Tegan. I really, really do." She was desperate for support and care, for any type of sympathy and love, she was desperate for help but they all couldn't see it. She didn't know how to voice her needs.

"I know you do," Sonia said.

"You do?" Tegan asked.

"I didn't believe it at first but now I can see it."

"I…I need a moment." Tegan stood up like a little arrow shot in the air. Her eyes were circled with darkness and her lips were chapped.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked.

"Uh ya. I need to use the bathroom. Just...stay." Tegan left them; left her with the mother whose concerned face terrified Sara.

"Is my daughter alright? That's not how she looked when I last saw her. She had rosy cheeks and soft lips. She didn't have tired eyes."

"She…she is…" Sara's tears ran past her eyes. "She's fine…I'm just, I…didn't let her sleep last night, I've been hurting her without intending to, I swear. It's without my intention."

"Did you see a doctor?"

"I…I did a few tests, asked my friend…I'm scared."

"I am a doctor," Sonia said firmly.

"I know."

"What are the symptoms?"

"I…" She didn't want to talk about it to Tegan's mother. She didn't want to talk about it to anyone. Why didn't she have a mother like everybody else? Someone who would hold her and let her cry her heart out?

"I need to know what my daughter is dealing with, Ms. Clement."

"I had womb cancer. I removed it and removed my ovaries. I kept my cervix."

Sonia shook her head. Sara knew what she was thinking. She was thinking that her child was getting involved with an old woman who couldn't even keep her feminine parts, a woman who couldn't produce like every woman her age. "You should have removed your cervix. You should have." Sara didn't expect that response.

Sara cried.

"You bleed during intercourse?" the mother asked.

"I do."

"You feel pain during it." Sara nodded. "You need to go to the doctor. You need to hurry."

The professor wiped her tears. Strength was a goal she aimed for though she couldn't obtain, so she faked it for the sake of the woman sitting in front of her.

"I need a favor, Ms. Clement."

"You can…you can call me Sara." Ms. Clement felt too old; as if she was an old lady, and that reminded her of illness and death…she tried her best to neglect the ghost of death.

"Well, Sara, I need a favor. I'm asking for help and I know if you love my daughter truly, you will help me."

"What is it?" Sara was beginning to see the image; she was beginning to feel the departure.

"I want my daughter to spend the rest of the day and all night with me and I want you to tell her that. I don't want her to know that I asked you that. I want to talk to her; I have to know the story. I want to understand everything. I want you to convince her that you need some time on your own to think, please. I'm a mother; you don't know what that feels. It hurts."

"No," Sara whispered, "I don't." She felt the sharpest sting between her legs. They say that words could hurt more than sticks and stones—Sara was sure that was a correct saying by now. Sonia took Sara's number. Sonia told Sara not to pick up if Tegan called, not to respond if she texted. Sara felt as if her soul was on lead.

When Tegan took too long inside, Sara worried. She went there and found her lover on the floor. She fainted again. Sara could barely bend without groaning because of the pain she was in, but she did anyway. She helped Tegan get up and they went outside.

"Tegan, your mother and I think it's best if you leave with her today," Sara said when Sonia gave her the signal.

"What?" Tegan asked in confusion.

"Honey, I just need to catch up with you, that's all," Sonia said. "Just tonight."

 _No…you're lying. No_. "Yes, Tegan. I need some time on my own as well." _No. Don't go. I need you. I wouldn't want to break down alone at night._ "And I think you need some time to rest your head away from me and my troubles." _Please resist. Please stay._

"No, Sara, I didn't mean that. I wanna be there to help you."

"I don't need help. I just need time on my own." But it was all a lie. She knew it. She needed help, indeed she did. Her life was falling apart again; her love dying again. She was losing once again. It's the same old Jack tale once again.

Who would she call? Who would she cry to? She cried before her lover left. She kissed her, begging and pleading for the student to resist not going, to stay. She was going to die, was she? Oh, God, why did this happen to her? Was her father right? Was she an infidel? No…No.

She collapsed in tears and shrieks when she was left alone. Nobody heard. Nobody saw. Nobody felt. She slapped her face and pulled her hair. Her wails reached the seventh cloud and still her voice did not echo in sympathetic ears. Nobody cared.

Tegan texted and called—the temptation was too strong to respond but she did what she was told to. She sat on the floor and wailed loudly. With each loud cry the moon lost its shimmer and a star fell down.

She found a puddle of blood beneath her when she awoke. Her horror made her shriek in aching sobs.

She took herself to the ER with numb legs and a frozen heart. She could not cry, could not speak, could not project an emotion. She was examined by doctors she did not know and did not feel comfortable around. During examination she started to cry due to the pain she was put in.

She left the hospital with sonorous sounds imposing themselves in her brain—the sounds of reality, of the truth, of the facts she was trying not to face. _Sick…sick, you're sick. Cancer…it's back…it's back…It's spreading._

"I believe it's too late," Sonia told her; bringing her back to the reality she was trying to protect herself from. The mother asked her to meet so they could discuss Tegan, the love of her life. How odd did it sound in her ears to have Tegan as a lover! How did she love her this much in a span of two months? _Two months._

"I…" Sara could not speak a word. She felt too weak she could collapse. She needed aid. She needed somebody to hold her. She felt cold.

She took Sonia to the restaurant she and her lover visited a couple of months ago, they sat on the same table, she skipped university…all for Tegan. She was getting slapped by words that made her heart sting as she fought for her right to love the younger woman. "I love her; I can't stay away."

"I don't want my daughter to be put into this. This is so much heartache, Sara. It is so much heartache that I do not want her to get involved in. I don't want her to waste her youth mourning over your illness then mourning over your death. I don't want her to see a lover dying. That's not what's going to help her." Sara's loud cries brought the attention of the strangers to their table. "She's nineteen," Sonia's pleading sound rang in Sara's ear. _Nineteen…not thirty-three._ "She's a teenager still…why, why would you want to see her hurt if you love her?"

"I don't want that. I want her near me. I need her support."

"A nineteen-year-old, who does not even understand cervical cancer, is not going to help you when you are dying." Sara covered her face, slamming tears on her sensitive skin, feeling the burn on her pores. "I don't want to hurt you with more words, Sara. I just want you to walk away slowly. Please, Sara, I'm a mother and I am begging you. Think of me; think of your mother, of any mother."

"You want me to hurt her now?" Sara put her hand on her lower abdomen and wondered whether the missing part inside made a difference. Would she have felt what Sonia spoke of hadn't she removed her womb? Would she have been wiser if her daughter had lived?

"Better than later," Sonia mumbled. She took a small sip of her coffee as tears passed from her lids. Her hazel eyes looked much like her daughter's but they were lighter; emeralds. "I want you to tell her that you guys should…you know, take time for yourselves. Tell her it's temporary, for a short time. Tell her you want to leave, I don't know, make up anything so I can convince her to get back to the States with me this summer…and just then I'll, you know, I'll make sure she will forget you. Don't be cruel to her. Start slowly then ignore her. I know it might hurt you…"

"It _will_ hurt me," Sara shot loudly. "It does hurt me," she said again, much softer and with a sniffle.

"I…I apologize. I want to protect my daughter."

Sara couldn't argue because Sonia was too ambitious to separate them; she was too strong and relentless, which made her think of Tegan and Tegan's insecurities. Almost everything made sense but also nothing did. Sonia wanted her to be mean to Tegan and then walk away, but Sara had another plan. Sara was going to convince Tegan they were together while staying away. She was determined to let Tegan see her mother's idea through actions. She was willing to try. She hoped Tegan would see it.

"If I heal, I will get Tegan back. I will marry her, I will. I promise."

"You don't know what you're dealing with," Sonia said. "But…if you actually heal and return and my daughter's still in love with you then I won't have a saying." And it surprised Sara how much Sonia controlled her daughter's life; an adult's life. "I just don't want my daughter to witness something she doesn't understand."

But death, death continued singing melodies in Sara's mind because everybody believed she was going to die. She, too, believed she was going to die. Her mornings became insufferable and, gradually, she was losing the ability to take care of her own. Some days she couldn't get her feet to take her out of bed and she would just lie there while she bled on the sheets she refused to change. Her visits to the hospital were recurrent. She visited twice a day at times in order to take shots and vitamins to pull herself through this last month. She knew by then she had to inform her parents because her cancer was spreading and she was not doing anything about it. Her turmoil and anguish stopped her willingness to get better. She also needed someone to be by her side when she removed her cervix. It was horrifying to think that it would be her own mother. She had dealt with that once when she lost her baby and she didn't want to deal with it again. And her best friend was going through a bad divorce; she couldn't disturb her with her cancer.

And Tegan…well, Tegan could not see any dot of pain, any phantom of tears, the restless eyes, the scarred chest, the screaming voice that howled for help and received no response from that hollow abyss that Sara was floating in. Sometimes Tegan looked like she had a halo around her head, angel wings behind her back, crystal eyes on her face—Sara drew her each night before the pain got the best of her and threw her into a fidgety slumber.

But Tegan couldn't see it was merely an act that Sara was pulling. She didn't want to hurt her yet she was doing what her mother feared. It was hypocritical and ironic. It was not what she wanted. In class they argued and she tried to remain calm, but at one point she couldn't because Tegan accused her love of having an expiration date. But it was her fault because she had said that. How did Tegan not see through each lie she'd told before? She was just trying to be strong. Tegan took her words and actions too literally and it was all her fault. It was her face, wasn't it? Was it that robotic in its expressions? Was it dead? Was she…dying?

"Some people love you so well and everything just vanishes when they're bored. Some people just can't hold onto love," Tegan clarified her point after Sara had asked her to in class. They were discussing the poem "Chess" by Rosario Castellanos and her lover was speaking daggers and spewing venom with each word that left her lips. Sara couldn't do anything but smile at the ironic state she was placed in.

"It's like, you know, you do everything, you give everything to those people. You love them, you are there for them, you sacrifice stuff for them, you put up with their issues, and you're so stupid because one day you wake up and you're pushed away. They don't want you there anymore. But you should have seen it, because no, it didn't happen one day all of a sudden, it happened so gradually and smoothly. Just like in the poem, it felt like centuries, you felt the hole that was growing bigger each day, you sensed the final blow, but, like, you convinced yourself that things will either get better, time will solve them, or everything will end when it'll end, and suddenly it ends and you don't know what's going on. What happened? Is it just over? Why is it such a cold ending for a relationship? Even the final blow seems so...emotionless."

"Is that what you think?" Sara asked with a low timbre. "Is that what you really think?" She could not process the words in her mind. She desired to fall down and weep, she wished she'd have wings and fly, she desired, just then, to die. Is that how her lover thought of her? That's how she made her feel? Flashbacks were bright in her eyes, recalling each word she'd said and each action she'd performed that made the student think it was a normal break up; an ugly one.

"Yes," Tegan said.

 _No, no. I'm sick, I'm sick._ Couldn't she see it? What about the pain, the blood, the tears she had shed? Oh, no, no, she was dying. "Well then," Sara said coldly as she stared at each face in her classroom to avoid crying, "allow me to tell you that you are as you said: stupid." She had to leave this classroom, she had to go home, she had to think. "Class is dismissed."

Tegan left.

 _No, no…_ She had to chase her, to tell her, to reveal what her mother had schemed for them. She had to tell her. Yes, she was going to. She loved this woman, she loved her so much—she couldn't handle breaking her heart. And she knew that this woman was going to be the support she needed to stay alive. Did Sonia love? Did she even feel what a broken heart felt? Did any old woman love? Or did they forget about it with time?

Tegan was crying outside. She didn't want her to cry because of a ridiculous word she'd just uttered due to shock.

Sara gasped.

Tegan was kissing Emy…Emy was kissing Tegan. No…no…no. It was in front of her. _One…two…three…no, no, no, no, no…why? Why?_ Her tears won, making her eyes water. _Why? Oh, why? Why, God, why?_

She had never felt such pain but once: when she was told she had lost her daughter. She never thought she'd feel such pain repeated, she never thought loss could come in different shapes and ways and forms. But it did and, God, not even the physical pain could compete with her bleeding heart. Her insides spasmed as if she was struck by lightning. In that moment she knew that Sonia's words were right; she was going to die.

 _I grieve and dare not show my discontent,_

 _I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,_

 _I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,_

 _I seem stark mute but inwardly do prate._

Sara's head erupted with melodramatic poems, sickening images of departure, sad songs of death, melancholic quotes from books she'd read in the past.

She rushed to her office to collect her things and go but Emy followed. She broke down in front of the last person she wanted to seem weak in front of. "Just go, go, go. Please go," she shouted and cried.

"Just listen to me. Just listen, I…" Sara pushed Emy roughly out of her office but Emy was stronger so she forced herself inside and closed the door, holding it with one hand so Sara wouldn't run away. "She told me you broke up with her. She said that. She told her mother that, too. That's why…that's why we hooked up. I didn't know…"

"You slept together?" Sara asked, fear like a veil covering her face. "Oh, my God, you fucked each other. Fuck you, fuck you and fuck her." She never thought she would lose it in front of someone she barely knew. She never thought she would.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I didn't know. She's hurting, I swear she regrets it. She does. I love her; I took the chance when I could get it. I didn't know."

"Get out. Get the fuck out. Leave, leave," Sara cried like a child, pushing her student out of her office.

"O Death, rock me asleep, bring me to quiet rest," she recited a poem stuck in her head since she was fourteen. "Let pass my weary guiltless ghost out of my careful breast." How she wished she'd hear her mother sing this poem once again. She had never realized the poem was written by Anne Boleyn till she got older. When she heard her mother singing it in the kitchen to herself one morning, Sara recalled feeling uncomfortable knowing her mother was singing of death; singing to death. She had fidgeted in her seat throughout dinner, and couldn't keep her eyes off her mum as she sat with her parents watching television after dinner. Till this day, she had no idea why her mother had sung such a depressing song about a woman who was going to be executed by her husband.

"My pains who can express? Alas, they are so strong. My dolour will not suffer strength my life for to prolong." Her mother's voice was dulcet and mellow. When she sang, she made the ears crave to listen. Even her father listened with ease when her mother had sung. She had a gift and it was her sweet, melodic voice that made the ears relax and the hearts cry. "Toll on, thou passing bell; ring out my doleful knell; let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; there is no remedy…there is no remedy…"

Sara didn't want to go to that dungeon of distress that was once her apartment. She didn't want to see the bloody sheets, the empty rooms, the smell of sterilizers roaming in the air; her place smelled like a hospital yet it looked far from hygienic. It sickened her even more.

So she drove in the car, cried, sang to herself, listened to music she loved and cried more. What would she do now? Nothing, nothing. _Do you know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember…nothing?_ Sara laughed loudly as her head remembered woeful words.

She listened to the lyrics of the song she had on repeat and remembered the happy times she had just began to fall in love with Tegan when Tegan was not aware of her existence.

 _Remember those walls I built?_

 _Well, baby they're tumbling down,_

 _And they didn't even put up a fight,_

 _They didn't even make a sound._

She had always listened to this song, thinking it's silly how this song described how she felt when she never thought any song would. Poetry? Definitely. But music? Music never did until she heard this song one day on the radio while she was driving home from the bar.

 _I found a way to let you in,_

 _But, I never really had a doubt._

 _Standing in the light of your halo,_

 _I got my angel now._

Sara had already known this song when she heard it that day on her way home. She never really paid attention to it when it first came out, but that night…that night Tegan made her first appearance in Sara's mind as that type of ghostly angel that Sara kept seeing her as till now. That night Sara had her first dream of Tegan—nude, sweaty, trembling, shaky. It was a hot dream that she could not forget. In the morning she realized she was in love with this young woman.

 _It's like I've been awakened;_

 _Every rule I had you breakin;'_

 _It's the risk that I'm takin;_

 _I ain't never gonna shut you out!_

How was she ever going to get her out of her mind now? It's been years not just months. How was she ever going to forget about this heartbreak? Oh, she could never. She's been cheated on again. This time in front of her eyes and by the person she loved dearly. She's been let go of again. They all left her…they all did. She had only herself to blame. Only herself and her actions to blame. She was a person nobody could be around. Nobody could ever love her.

 _Everywhere I'm looking now,_

 _I'm surrounded by your embrace;_

 _Baby, I can see your halo,_

 _You know you're my saving grace._

 _You're everything I need and more,_

 _It's written all over your face;_

 _Baby, I can feel your halo,_

 _Pray it won't fade away._

She slammed her face against the steering wheel and sobbed when she parked in her street. Her wails were loud and embarrassing to hear. She moaned in fear and in pain and in misery. Nobody loved her. Nobody wanted to be with her.

 _Hit me like a ray of sun,_

 _Burning through my darkest night;_

 _You're the only one that I want,_

 _Think I'm addicted to your light…_

She couldn't hear the song anymore because her cries muted the hopeful vocals coming from her speakers.

She didn't expect to see Tegan in her apartment, but she wasn't surprised at all when she saw her lying on the dirty bed, hugging the teddy bear. Sara's heart softened at the sight but her face remained snow-like. Tegan begged and pleaded, cried and asked for forgiveness. Sara gave no chance, simply because Sonia was right: she was going to die.

Tegan couldn't stand being with her while she was dealing with mood swings and anxiety, how would she stay when her hair was going to fall and her body was going to require another person's full attention and care? Tegan wasn't different from Jack when he was sick of her after their loss. It was enough she was whiny and clingy before. But after their loss, she had lost herself and her looks to depression and grief. Jack couldn't do it and he was her husband, what made her think Tegan would when they only spent two months together and she was too young to know about such issues! Sonia was more than right. Perhaps mothers knew more and she was not one anymore.

Tegan did not look healthy at all, too. She looked way too thin, way too pale, way too bony. Her lips did not have the healthy color any human being would have, her cheeks were yellow, her eyes were sunken and all around them was dark. The girl was going to lose herself to anemia like Sara had done once when she was a little bit older than her. Sara didn't understand why younger women thought it was the key to project their misery; she forgot that depression played a major role in getting one's health to deteriorate this badly. She couldn't carry a child fully inside her due to incurable anemia that had stuck with her since her teenage years. She never took care of herself till she lost a piece of her. Even though she knew she was not going to see Tegan again, she didn't want her to lose a precious soul one day if she decided to have a family, and, most importantly, she didn't want her to lose herself and her health. She was gone and she was going to be forgotten, no need for the mourning. So she told Tegan to take care each time she saw her.

And when Tegan left, Sara collapsed on the floor, went into a tantrum that nobody could calm down. Stacy arrived that night to Montreal after Sara's hysterical call. Sara's state was slowly deteriorating when it came to both: health and emotional stability.

"Aren't you going to tell me 'I told you so'? Aren't you going to blame it on me?" Sara's tears fell on her friend's lap as she rested her head there all night and all morning, skipping university because she couldn't look Tegan in the eye.

"You have cancer, you're very ill and you're thinking of that? You're thinking of a little selfish girl who couldn't see you were suffering?"

"I am going to die, to die…I didn't want to die so I could get her back, but I don't think she loved me enough…nobody loves me enough," through tears, Sara spoke.

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that. People are the ones who are terrible, not you."

"I don't want to stay here. I want to go back to Vancouver. I don't want this place. I hate it. I hate it. I fucking hate it."

"Okay, okay," Stacy said. "We'll go back there. I…I live alone now. You'll stay with me and Ella. I'll take care of you till you heal and become better."

"I won't. You'll take care of me till I die."

"No, don't say that." Stacy started to cry.

"I have to hurt her to feel better. It hurts, it hurts. Nobody knows how much I loved her. Nobody knows how much I love her."

She wondered how she would hurt her. What would she do to hurt someone who was already hurting? Was she one of those people? She wasn't but she had to let her taste just a spoon of the pain she was devouring. She spent all night scheming till she figured out that the lowest she could go was making Tegan and Emy present the poem she recited while she made love to Tegan, to make her lover get a bitter taste in class as she stood there, to make her break down in front of people, to make her sense the ache Sara was feeling. Nobody did though, nobody felt it, nobody.

But her heart was not malicious; she wasn't evil— when Tegan begged her to change the poem because she couldn't present it in front of the class, she changed the poem for her. Tegan was already in pain, why add to it so they could be even? They were never going to be even because nobody felt her pain.

"Eww, mummy, look!" Ella pointed at the professor in a repulsed manner. Stacy gasped when she glanced at Sara sitting beside her daughter on the sofa. Her sweatpants were drenched with the red liquid but she didn't seem to notice.

"Sara, l…let's go…"

"Oh, my God," Sara shouted. "I'm gonna die."

"No, no." Stacy stood up. "Let's go to the bathroom. Let me take you to the bathroom."

"I'm drawing her, I have to finish."

"Sara…" If she stood she would fall and she knew it. The scene was horrifying to her, so she imagined how horrifying it must be to the child and her mother. She tried to keep herself calm and collected. She was panicking but she tried her best so Stacy wouldn't have to deal with her issues. She would take her own self to the bathroom and try to understand what was happening, but Stacy didn't have to.

"Come on, take my hand." She looked at the ink that formed the looks of her lover on her notebook. What kind of angel was Tegan that made her refuse to get treatment and die slowly? She was dying. Tegan was not an angel with a halo, was she?

"Ella, baby, can you wait for mummy and Sasa outside? Mummy is gonna clean Sasa's wound. She hurt her thigh with the pen." Sara almost laughed at the lie.

Her friend helped her take her clothes off in the bathtub while running water was turning red as she continued bleeding. She felt the pain rise in her body the more she looked between her legs, pain she had resisted and pretended it did not exist. "I still don't get why you're not getting immediate treatment. Are you waiting to die? It's spreading, Sara."

"It reached my kidneys. Do you actually think any treatment would stop it? I am dying, Stacy. Can't you see it? I'm just waiting to die in Vancouver not in here."

"Stop saying that," the friend shouted. She looked between Sara's legs and cried. "Why are you bleeding this much?"

"Because I'm dying."

"We should go to the hospital. You have to remove your cervix and kidneys now."

Sara laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I told you I don't want to. I don't want to."

They spent all night waiting for the bleeding to stop and it eventually did in the morning. Sara couldn't go to university. It was the day Tegan was supposed to present her poem.

"You're going to remove your cervix and kidneys. You're going to start chemo right after. I have it all planned as soon as we land in Vancouver," Stacy said a week before their departure.

"You're wasting your time," Sara mumbled as she ate her breakfast.

She told her students she wasn't going to teach anymore because of her illness. Tegan cried in class and Sara wanted to cry, too. Most of her students cried, as well. It was a scene of pity and fear and she despised it. When she left, Tegan followed…or maybe it was her ghost. Tegan looked like one. How could her legs carry her? Sara wondered. _Well, if I can still walk, she sure can, too._

"You're gonna die? Please tell me. Please let me be with you one more time," Tegan said. They were standing outside and it was quite sunny and the weather was beautiful, but Sara was cold.

"No, honey," Sara said with a smile. She didn't want to leave Tegan with a bad image of herself. At least, she thought, she should make their last encounters civil and calm. "I'm going to Vancouver next week. We can't be together."

"Let me be with you just this week." Sara wished, but she shook her head because she shouldn't. "Are you gonna die?"

"I don't know." She bit her lower lip to hold back all feelings. Sonia was right, wasn't she? Tegan wasn't supposed to witness that part.

"I love you," Tegan said.

 _I love you, too._

Sara didn't say it back because if she gave Tegan the tiniest hope, Tegan would chase and she would let her in and if she let her in, she'd see her in the miserable state that Stacy saw her in each night. Sara didn't want Tegan to see her in a tub full of her own blood, that's not a nice image to deliver.

Before Tegan could walk away, Sara told her to watch her health. And on the final's day, Tegan couldn't complete her test because she was too tired. Sara could see how terribly pale Tegan looked, she allowed her to leave her test unfinished and set a date for her to present the poem in her office. _Just one last look into your eyes, just one last look where only you and I are present, just one last look at you even if at a distance, just so I can remember each feature when death takes control over my life._

That day Sara could barely get out of bed. The pain was acute she didn't think she could make it to the university. Stacy drove her after an argument and waited outside. The entire time Sara was hearing her student speak, she was losing more vigor and feeling worse pain. And when Tegan told her she would miss her, Sara knew that her days were going to be harder than she imagined. She cried on her way home, she wished she would hold her lover one last time, just one last time, but Stacy refused to drive her where Sonia and Tegan stayed.

"I can't look at her without wanting to cry. I love her, do you get that? I love her and it hurts me. It hurts having to show her that I don't."

"It's not a good idea. It's not. Do you even think her mother would let her see you? I don't think she would. Just stay away for now, just stay away."

Sara's health deteriorated to a great extent within two days. Stacy called Sara's mother so they could fill her in because Sara knew that even Stacy had lost hope. They were a little bit too late and there was no need for any type of treatment with her state. Flying back would end her, she knew it.

She lay in bed with a towel beneath her legs and a blanket that covered her feverish body. She listened to her mother's agonizing cries through the speakers. Stacy cried, too. Ella was frowning, knowing something was wrong but not knowing what it was.

"It's all my fault, it's all my fault," Evelyn cried.

"It's not, just shut up," Sara said groggily.

"It's my genes, those unlucky genes. I should have seen it. I should have known when you came here. I'm a terrible mother."

"Yeah…you are," Sara mumbled. "You are," she repeated.

"I'm coming down to Vancouver. I'm going to be with you."

"You don't have to. I don't want your pity."

"I am going to," Evelyn insisted. "I am going to."

Tegan knocking on her door was the last thing Sara would think of. She cried for Stacy to let her lover in but Stacy refused. She wished she could walk or even crawl, but she couldn't even do that. She sent Ella to call Tegan in, but her friend was determined not to let that happen. It made Sara fall asleep in tears eventually.

"What would one last goodbye do but hurt you more? You'll miss her more. It's okay, my darling. You'll heal and you'll get back. I promise you." It was the morning of their flight. Sara was feeling a bit better. Her cousin Adam had arrived to help Stacy with Sara. Stacy called him because he was Sara's favorite family member. Sara was happy to see him; it made her feel better.

"I will die. Don't promise something you don't know."

"You won't," Adam said. "You're strong. You won't. We'll help you keep an eye on that woman you love while you're there. I know how to do that."

And then Sara left Montreal, thinking it was the last time she was going to see her devilish angel; thinking love only took and never mended; thinking there was no hope after loss.

But there she was sitting in the arms of her lover, on their bed, in an apartment they shared. There she was being kissed tenderly all over her delicate body that craved attention and care. There they were chatting and discussing their life and their future, their marriage and the start of a family. Jack didn't matter, Sonia didn't matter—nobody did at this moment but themselves and the people who supported and loved their union.

"So what now?" Sara asked when Tegan stopped kissing her.

"Now we go pick Ella up." Sara groaned. "We'll love later." Tegan kissed her lips one last time before getting up to take the empty plates back to the kitchen.


	17. Pictures, Peaches, and P------

It was the last week of university, of being a senior, of being a Sara Clement student, of being an English major—it was the last week of hiding her relationship. What was about to follow felt terrifying and ambiguous but Tegan was still excited. They were working on getting their new house ready each day, she was teaching Sara how to depend on the skills they had when it came to house renovations and redecoration.

Sara was strongly against the idea of painting the house on their own but Tegan had already prepared their picnic basket with small sandwiches and snacks, bought the necessary tools and paint they were going to need, burrowed the ladder from Jeremy, and gave Sara one of her okay-to-be-ruined clothes. Sara agreed eventually, sighing dramatically while Tegan grinned as they left the apartment they shared and drove to their luxurious-looking house.

Half an hour through painting the nice living room in the second floor, Sara was already ruining the walls and getting way too distracted taking pictures of the view outside the large window to post them on her Snapchat. Sara was going through that phase of old people getting obsessed with technology without knowing how to properly use it. Just two days before, Sara sent Tegan a picture of the rash on her inner thighs from the shaving cream she was using. The caption was: "Look what this shaving cream is doing to my skin. Can I be hairy?"

However, instead of sending the picture to Tegan only, she had accidentally put it as a story. Tegan rushed into their room and told her to delete it before anybody could see it. Sara didn't know how to delete it. Tegan took Sara's phone in order to get rid of the picture. When she was about to delete it she saw that her mother had seen it. "You can tell me that in person, you know. I was sitting in the living room."

"I wanted to send it," Sara whined.

"Please be careful next time," Tegan warned.

When Tegan talked to her mother, Sonia inquired, "What the fuck is wrong with Sara? Was she asking people to be hairy or not?"

"Mum, she put it by mistake instead of sending it to me. I made her get my shaving cream and she was allergic to it so she was showing me."

"Oh," Sonia said. "Anyway, she uses this app a lot. She posts a lot. It's like she's a teenager."

"Yeah." Tegan rolled her eyes. "She just likes it."

And there was Sara feeding her obsession by taking pictures and videos, posting them on this stupid app that Tegan had regretted teaching her how to use. Tegan didn't want anybody, especially her parents, to know they were moving into such a nice place soon. Her parents were coming to Canada for her graduation ceremony in three weeks, and she was about to get married in three weeks. Sara wanted it to happen in the same day, with her parents around. The house was almost done. They didn't change many things. They had already ordered the furniture and the kitchen and changed two bathrooms out of the four in the house. Only few touches in the backyard were needed. They also needed to buy some things, like a swing set and a nice table and chairs outside. Sara was already working on the BBQ area. Tegan wanted everything to be done until people knew they were going to live in this nice house and start a family there.

Thinking of that, Tegan looked at Sara taking pictures then looked back at the wall she was painting. She was on the ladder, wondering whether to ask her lover about the sperm donor. Whenever she thought about it, she pushed the idea away. It always scared her.

"God, the view in here is amazing. I'm so happy with this house."

Tegan smiled as she painted the wall beside the window a light beige color. Sara wanted to get wallpaper but Tegan thought paint is much classier. Sara said their kid might ruin the walls, Tegan told her when they would have a kid, she would consider wallpaper and now it was too early to think about it. Sara sighed in defeat.

Tegan almost fell off the ladder as she tried to look out of the window. Sara screamed, quickly grabbing the ladder and Tegan's bum to keep her steady. Tegan's heartbeat quickened as she grabbed onto the ladder.

"Be careful," Sara said.

"God," Tegan said irritatingly. She felt herself tearing up. Shock usually did that.

"It's okay. You're good. I'm holding the ladder." Sara squeezed her bum. "And your ass."

Tegan continued painting in silence while Sara snapped more pictures. She heard the voice of the camera taking pictures; it wasn't via Snapchat anymore. She knew Sara was taking pictures of her behind. She's been quite anxious lately, always exasperated and stressed out. She had finals, projects to finish, papers to write, pills that toyed with her hormones to take, a house to decorate, parents to convince her life was getting better not worse, and a womb to get ready to stick a damn fetus in. She was stressed out that she kept getting terrible headaches and migraines. She was too aroused that Sara often fucked her three times a day and she still needed more. Sara never said no.

However, while Sara was feeling her ass and squeezing the flesh, Tegan was not happy about that. She wanted for Sara to help not to distract. She was annoyed.

"Sara, can you stop?"

"Stop what?"

"Touching my ass."

"I'm trying to keep you safe, my love." She was able to feel her fiancée smirking. She bit her lower lip.

"You're trying to distract me."

"Your ass is so cute in these shorts. It's getting full." Tegan rolled her eyes. She should have not worn these short shorts with a partner like Sara around. Sara would think of sex in class, so how about when they're alone and her ass cheeks almost jumping out of these shorts!

"You are sexessed…sex obsessed." Sara laughed loudly, holding both cheeks now instead of one, squeezing both as her melodic voice echoed in the empty room.

"Am I turning you on, my love?" Sara wondered loudly.

Tegan looked at her from the corner of her eyes. She sighed loudly, giving an answer of confirmation that made Sara laugh once again. "We're never gonna get this house ready, I swear."

Tegan continued working and Sara continued touching. It was bothering the younger woman but it was arousing her. A simple touch always did it. When she was done, Sara helped her get down, grabbing both cheeks again and squeezing tightly. "I've been pondering over something," Sara whispered. They faced each other, standing closely, bodies almost touching.

"And what's that?"

"You liking anal."

"Ugh." Tegan left the embrace and walked around the living room, inspecting the walls from afar. She hated talking about things that embarrassed her.

"I'm serious. Can we talk about that?"

Tegan looked at her lover. Sara was wearing glasses and her face was free of makeup. Wrinkles were visible on her face; aging was beginning to get to her. Still, she was beautiful and attractive.

"No, I never had anal sex with anyone but your finger."

Sara laughed sweetly, sitting down on the dirty floor. "How did you know I was gonna ask about that?"

"I know you like the back of my hand right now. You're so predictable because you only think about two things: sex and a baby." Tegan sat across from her, looking at the ground. They needed to get cleaning people after they were done working on the house. This was going to cost some money. Tegan sighed. "I…I kinda did it to myself…twice to be fair, after…after you did it to me two years ago."

"Oh," Sara mumbled. She looked up at her student. She was aware of the irritation that was sucking the energy out of this room. She was aware of the amount of stress her lover was going through. That's why she gave her a massage daily before sleep. Tegan loved that. Tegan also loved the sex, no matter how much she tried to show her irritation with Sara's sexual nature. "I did it once…with a guy." Tegan's mouth opened in an 'o' shape. "We were young…uh, eighteen." Sara was blushing. "And then I…did it to myself a few times."

"You like it?" Tegan asked.

"Mhm." Sara bit her lower lip. "Not always…it has it's own…time."

"Yeah, I know what you're talking about."

"Do you think you can ever try it with a dildo?" Sara asked.

"Why? Are you trying to fuck me like that?" Tegan said defensively.

"O…only if you want to."

"No," Tegan said loudly. "I don't want to. It's why I have another hole, so you can fuck that."

"Okay," Sara said, biting her lip. She looked down at her hands. She was wearing Tegan's jeans overalls and Tegan's light pink T-Shirt, which Tegan claimed she hated so she made it a workout attire.

"Oh," Sara said loudly, jumping as Tegan straddled her. "Oh, hi," she said again when her student removed her glasses.

"You're so dense at times," Tegan whispered.

"Me?"

"I've been hinting I want to be fucked and all you say is 'okay' and 'oh.'"

"Ohhhh," Sara said again with laughter, eyebrows wiggling.

"You don't get to turn me on and run away with it." She held Sara's both hands and directed them to her breasts. Her big black T-Shirt had a few holes in itand some band's name that Sara could not pronounce well. It was one of those loud bands Tegan listened to and Sara hated.

"You're not wearing a bra," Sara commented, feeling two hard nipples on her palms.

"No need. I hate bras." Sara squeezed, making her student squirm. "I'm not wearing undies, too."

"Who needs those?" Sara hummed, lips too close to her lovers, eyes staring at her lover's.

"Well," Tegan said in a husky voice, need declaring its presence in her octave, "not you since you're a nudist, but today I felt hot and bothered and I wanted to wear these shorts and all my underwear are, like, boxers and, yeah, I wanted to look sexy for you."

Sara laughed, caressing Tegan's soft cheek with a hand and feeling a small breast with another. "I'm not a nudist; I just don't care if Stacy sees me naked."

"Stacy stares," Tegan whispered. Sara smiled, nodding. Two nights ago she had left the bathroom topless, forgetting her best friend was in the apartment, or not caring about that fact to be specific. Tegan was angry once again. _It's just Stacy!_

"Anyway, you left the house with these shorts; it's safe to say you're becoming a nudist." Sara squeezed the right breast. "God, where are your tits?" She lifted the shirt and hummed. "Everything's getting bigger but these two." Sara kissed one nipple.

"I hope they never do."

"What? No." Sara helped Tegan out of her shirt. "I love them. I love the way they were."

"I hated them, okay?" Tegan rolled her eyes but Sara still laughed. "If you love boobs so much, why don't you play with yours, they're big."

"Do you hate mine, too?" Sara was helping her out of her shorts now. Tegan almost fell once again, but saved herself by putting both hands on Sara's shoulder, making Sara fall instead. "Oh, shit."

"Oh, sorry," Tegan mumbled. "We should get that sheet to lie on. I don't wanna lie on the dirty ground."

"Which one?"

"The one I brought to eat on."

"Okay, there are different meanings to the word 'eat' so I guess it will do."

"Fuck you," Tegan mumbled with soft laughter. She was completely naked now, standing before her lover who gaped at her glowing body.

"Getting so beautiful, I could draw you for days."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…after you make me come, please." Tegan was begging and requesting. The word 'please' lit a fire in Sara's heart, her libido ignited. "And by the way," Tegan said, sitting on the white sheet she spread on the ground, "I don't hate your boobs. I actually love them so much and…and," Tegan hesitated, face bright with sheepishness, making Sara smile bigger, "and, yeah, I kinda get your obsession with my breasts. We all like to see them a bit full and somehow mine have shrunk more than before and yours have become very full and round, in a very sexy way, so…so…what was I talking about?"

"It's okay." Sara laughed. "I get you." Tegan usually blabbered when nervous. "I actually always liked very small breasts till I dated a woman that had big ones."

"Who?" Tegan asked.

"You." Sara winked. "Then I knew I liked them, too."

"Hmm." Sara began to undress, too. She only removed the overalls but stayed in her tight purple underwear and Tegan's old shirt. "Maybe, if pregnancy happens quickly, in few more months you'd get them big and nice like you wanted." Sara started to caress her body and kiss her supple skin, starting from the corner of her neck and descending to her upper chest—it was red, heated with a rash caused by the heat of the sun.

"They'll be very sensitive to touch, I wouldn't want to hurt you," Sara said between small kisses. Tegan was starting to relax. The breeze coming through the big window made her skin light up in goosebumps, and Sara's soft hands helped the feeling increase while they caressed each inch of exposed skin, stopping at both breasts again and squeezing the flesh gently.

Sara's body collided with her own as the older woman topped her, pushing her weight above. She started to moan when Sara's lower half began to move like a gentle wave in an empty ocean. The thin fabric of Sara's underwear was gliding over her hairy mound and she could still feel it despite the thick patch of untamed curls. When was the last time she shaved? She couldn't remember at all. Sara never complained and she had her own patch of curls, too. Nobody shaved anything anymore, unless they had to. It was easier that way. Tegan loved it.

They made out for too long. Tegan sucked her fiancée's tongue inside and Sara whimpered as her hips moved more and her skin burned underneath Tegan's palms as they slipped inside her shirt.

"I need to buy some stuff from the sex store," Tegan admitted after they pulled away. Sara sat up and stared at her with wide eyes.

"Wh…what are they?" Sara lifted her shirt up. It was getting hot. She took it off. Two breasts sat above a small protruding belly. Sara was gaining some weight, the smaller woman noticed. It was aging and bad metabolism, she heard Sara tell Stacy. Tegan didn't really care. She couldn't see the flaws. She wondered if it's due to her youth that she couldn't notice the errors while Sara could point out hers and Stacy pointed out her own ones, which Tegan could not see, too. Or maybe everyone saw what's wrong with their bodies and she was just too confident about her own right now. She used to hate her breasts till Sara loved them, now she loved her body and wouldn't mind staring at herself in nudity. However, she was shy, still very shy. She's also a prude. It was her first time ever wearing such shorts, or short shorts, outside of the house anyway. Nobody saw her. She knew she was going from house to car and from car to house again, which made it seem easier to let her ass hang out of the legs of the shorts.

"Some stuff both you and I can use without any hesitancy or difficulty. I mean, I've seen some in porn, I don't know how they work." She put her hand on her stomach as Sara hummed, smirking a bit.

"I have probably tried what you're talking about it."

"What is it?"

Sara winked. "We'll go and see what is it you want and I'll tell you if it's what I'm thinking of or not."

Tegan gulped when Sara was trying to spread her legs. She gave Sara the view of a wet, red vulva and Sara licked her lips. "Well, you probably have tried everything."

"Probably." Sara touched her folds without hesitancy, she rubbed them together and squeezed as wetness spread more and more till Tegan felt it dripping on the sheet. "No wonder you're feeling very bothered lately; every time I touch you, you're wetter than before. Your body is preparing, Tegan."

"Yeah, I'm actually ovulating now." Tegan's thighs shook when Sara pinched her clit. "We only have about a month."

Sara stopped touching her lover. _Oh, a month_. Things were going way too quickly. Would she have time to do what she planned? Fuck, a month was a short time. "We'll be newlyweds."

"Yeah." Tegan was searching for her hand. She wanted to be touched but Sara was making a time schedule in her head. When Tegan started touching her clit, Sara's instinct woke up, pushing her lover's hand away.

Tegan sat up and pushed her legs farther apart. Sara watched her as she looked down between her legs. "Is everything okay?"

"Doesn't look that nice," Tegan mumbled. They haven't had sex without being uncovered or without the lights dimmed in a long while. The last time was when she started bleeding on the sheets. After that Sara avoided being exposed and Tegan as well. Sara only bled once after it. They were only a few drops but, still, she was glad it was not on display. And now her lover was embarrassed and she could see it clearly. The amount of hair was plenty and it always made Tegan nervous showing that to her.

"I can be naked, too," Sara suggested. She didn't usually get her turn after she pleased Tegan because she was still adjusting to the new HRT treatment, which was much better than the one she took before. Therefore, she preferred to stay clothed from the waist down. "I think I have more hair than you."

"It's not the hair." Tegan looked up. "It's so dark and messy."

"You're aroused. It's normal. That's how it always looks like." Sara laughed a bit when her lover frowned.

Sara tried to relax both of them by rubbing Tegan's arms. They were stronger and bigger than a few months ago when Tegan was basically skin on bones. Tegan sighed in contentment and threw her head back, making both breasts stand to attention; pink buds hard and thick-looking. Sara stared at them as Tegan breathed. Could she come with her nipples played with? Sara always wondered and Tegan told her that she couldn't. Tegan's breasts were becoming full again, but not the same roundness and fullness they once had been. She felt ashamed when she uttered those words a moment earlier. She promised herself she wouldn't judge loudly. It wasn't judgment, but she wondered out loud and she shouldn't have. Her lover was stunning and she should have appreciated that loudly instead of commenting on her breasts.

She pushed her face against Tegan's breasts, hearing heartbeat and soft breaths. She rounded her lips against one nipple and began to suck. Tegan gasped instantly. Their eyes met when Sara looked up at her student. She smiled as she gently bit on the small bud. Tegan held her head in place, smiling down at her. A fast index twirled the other nipple.

The hot tongue that circled that sensitive part of her made Tegan crave more of it the longer it stayed there. Despite the sting, the need was rising; her core was aching. When Sara switched to the other breast, Tegan felt the convulsions down between her legs. She wanted something inside, jammed in her roughly and quickly. She opened her legs as far as she could and Sara laughed upon realization. She was starting to writhe and squirm the more Sara fondled her breasts.

When Sara let go, she held both breasts close to each other, sighing as she stared at them. "Gotta have my fair share before they go to someone else."

"I bet you can suck your own." Tegan wiggled her brows.

"I can't." Sara bit one nipple and then bit the other, only letting go with an exaggerated pop.

"I used to be able to. I've done it like three times. Now I can't."

Sara's eyebrow rose in astonishment. She sat back. "Really? That's interesting." Tegan noticed how hard her nipples were, too. She wondered about her state of arousal. Her breasts were insanely beautiful. She loved it when women had very bouncy and soft breasts. It attracted her more to see breasts hanging a bit down than seeing them very pronounced and toned. _"It's like they're gonna squirt something at my face,"_ she once said to Emy with a disturbed expression on her face. _"I just like them sagging a bit so I can you know…"_ She remembered opening and closing her fists as if she's kneading something. When the memory hit her, she blushed intensely.

"Yeah," she whispered, smiling. Slowly, she turned around. Her heart drummed when she heard the smug chuckle from Sara. She wanted this position; she was craving this position with how achy her hole felt. When teased to great extents, she usually demanded to be filled and wanted to feel the void that soon would be full. If only, if only she had brought her vibrator with her, but she didn't know this was going to turn out like that.

She shrieked when Sara slapped her ass. "Having sex in our new house for the first time." She turned her head to look at Sara who sat behind her. She should be embarrassed offering her all like that but she couldn't. _She's seen it all_ , she told herself. "What hole do you want me to fuck?" Sara wiggled her brows again. She was kneading her breasts softly, Tegan stared.

"Sara," she whined softly, "please, I'm already close." Sara giggled, giving her another slap.

Sara brushed both hands on her lover's cheeks and slapped, earning a sharp intake of breath. She was getting turned on watching a cunt begging to be fucked. She plunged in with three fingers, this time earning a small squeal. She laughed in a hushed tone to herself as she saw Tegan tense up. This position made Tegan's walls give Sara more room to go deeper with her fingers, pushing in till the knuckles and pulling out till the tips. She knew Tegan was clenching her muscles, too. She could feel it. Tegan was close. Her breaths were hard. If Sara touched her clit, she would come. Sara didn't touch it, however. She felt deep fire to do something, something that had been on her mind for awhile now. She was sure Tegan was teasing with this position. Tegan must have been teasing since they had just talked about it. She liked being fucked like that and wished Tegan would do it to her sometimes. But she also wanted to fuck Tegan like that.

And so she did; she thrust in one digit in her lover's other hole. She did it quickly, it made Tegan gasp, pushing her head on the ground.

"Is this okay? Are you okay?"

"Oh, God." Sara watched the younger woman blinking rapidly. She didn't move her digit at all. She pushed it further and kept it there, using her other hand to fuck Tegan's cunt with three fingers. She began moving only the tip while completely relying on those three digits to do the job of making her lover reach the climax. She quickened her pace, which was too much for Tegan who was now loud with her expression of need.

Tegan slapped the floor, forming a long 'oh' as she was getting there. Sara wished she could slap her butt if she had a third hand. When Tegan slapped the floor again and screamed, Sara's sexual instinct rose. Face full of wonder and astonishment and teeth ready to bite into anything they could get, Sara bit the soft flesh of her lover's right cheek. She could honestly feel each delicate part inside Tegan. She felt her cervix and the tightness of it, her walls beating and thumping, her juices flowing and rushing out of her. She felt the orgasm in its highest point until it stopped completely, releasing her finger from captivity. She had fucked many women before but never felt the orgasm this strongly in both holes.

She pulled out gently because she knew what Tegan must had felt after that scream. They were lucky their new house was big enough and almost secluded from the houses next to it. A large garden and a backyard separated each house in that area. Nobody heard a thing.

She felt that her hands were dirty and that Tegan would not want to be held after that. She walked to the bathroom downstairs quickly to wash her hands. It was the only working bathroom in the house at the moment. They were still doing some construction in the others. When she went to the second floor again, she saw her fiancée resting on her back with legs wide open and eyes tightly shut. She rested beside her, kissing her sweaty forehead and brushing her damp hair.

"That was strong, wasn't it?" she whispered, kissing her forehead a second time.

Tegan could only whimper and bury her face in the heat of Sara's chest. Sara worried she hurt her.

"Teetee? Can you please tell me if you're okay?" she spoke gently but with seriousness in her tone.

"I didn't like…" Tegan swallowed. "I didn't like how you touched everything inside me. It reminded me of…of that bimanual exam…I'm sorry, it just did." Struck with the honesty of her lover, Sara's face turned crimson red, all confidence stripped away from her. She didn't say anything because nobody had ever told her they didn't like anything she had given them. Not even Jack in their worst days. Not even Stacy after their first time. Not even her seventeen year old boyfriend who she didn't know how to blow well enough, almost biting into his dick each few seconds. But Tegan said what she didn't like casually, the same way she stated she didn't like that big toy or the way she stated she wouldn't want to be butt fucked with a dildo. Tegan was honest and didn't fear crushing Sara's ego in such matters. "But I liked, I liked that you fucked my ass. I mean, I…" Tegan giggled, pushing her head deeper in the warmth that Sara radiated out of her body. "I felt the orgasm everywhere, Sara…" She looked up with wide yellow eyes at the older woman. Eyes were searching, were loving, were in wonder. "Everywhere. Do you even know what I mean by everywhere?"

Sara smiled, momentarily forgetting about her dead ego. "Women actually have four orgasms and I think you felt two or three of them at the same time."

"I feel like…I feel like I'm bleeding. Can you check? It was too much, I guess?" Sara sat up instantly, looking between her lover's legs. There was nothing but extreme wetness. She touched the tender parts gently, pushing her index in. Tegan's legs closed on her, squeezing her hand between soft thighs. "Oh, fuck, it hurts."

Sara pulled out, still looking between Tegan's legs with an unnerved face. "There's no blood." She looked up at Tegan's face. "Did it hurt more than that dildo?"

"No," Tegan said. "It hurts now. It didn't hurt when you were doing it."

"I'm so sorry." Sara frowned. Was she getting bad at it? Fuck, she must have lost her skills. If her fingers hurt, no wonder Tegan didn't want toys anymore. She was getting bad at every little thing. Maybe she was not bisexual enough. _No!_ She needed to stop thinking like that.

"Don't be. My pussy's just a pussy." Tegan winked. She must have felt her self-consciousness rising, so she tried to hide it by leaning in and kissing her lover.

Sara had reached a decision: she was going to get people to work on her house because she and Tegan were never going to finish it in two weeks. They had to move in after the graduation and nothing was ready. She was going to call her mother and ask for money. She needed it.

"So who's actually coming over today?" Tegan asked her lover. Sara was having her friends over so Tegan made plans with her own friends to meet at the bar. No way was she going to sit with middle-aged women, half of them had taught her before.

"Dana, Laura, Jasmine, Annie, and Stacy." Sara drove with her sunglasses on. Her hair flew in the wind and it looked lighter than it had ever been. Tegan loved how Sara looked in that moment. She smiled to herself as she stared in silence and devotion. "But Stacy doesn't wanna come."

"Why?"

"She says all they talk about is marriage and sex and she hates these topics."

"I don't blame her. I bet they gossip like newlywed straight girls."

"Which they all are except Dana," Sara said. "And Stacy doesn't know where to put Ella."

"Well, if I wasn't going out, I would have taken care of her, but…"

"I know." Sara parked outside the sex store; an evil smirk appeared on her full lips.

"No," Tegan said with laughter. "No fucking way. Not now."

"You wanted it."

"I'm barely clothed, Sara."

"It's fine. It'll be quick. I'm curious."

She walked slowly in each aisle and her lover followed. She didn't want anyone to look at her butt cheeks, she said to Sara. Sara's smug laughter rang in her red ears as she tried to pull herself together and act as the grown up, soon to be married woman she was. The only time Tegan had bought a sex toy, she used the internet to purchase it. It was easier and more private. She thought if Sara was with her, the journey inside the sex store would not be so awkward. She was wrong because the variety of colors and sizes made her dizzy. Her anxious stomach troubled her, reminding her of her nineteen year old self once again, reminding her of that teenager scared to show Sara her topless chest in a dimmed room; reminding her of her first time with this woman she loved more than the ocean loved the sun, the moon, and the stars above.

"Let me make it easier for you," Sara said, touching her shoulder. The two women who worked in the store knew Sara, so they didn't follow them with noisiness disguised as the excuse of offering help. Sara wanted to hold her partner and steady her shaking heart. "I think I know what you want." She held her sweaty palms and took her to the place Sara suspected Tegan was trying to find.

Before even touching the item, Tegan gasped, cheeks flourishing in ruby. Tegan giggled, covering her face.

"The hitachi, right?"

"How the fuck did you know?"

Sara threw her head back in laughter. "I know my little ones," Sara winked and Tegan groaned in protest.

"So," Tegan said, "can we get it?"

"Sure." She didn't know whether she liked such strong vibration against her sensitive parts. She had always used it with her underwear on when she dated Katina. Some girls could take the vibration directly but she couldn't. She didn't want to tell Tegan that until she tried.

"Okay…uh, you hold it." Tegan smiled shyly.

"Alright."

Sara's eyes were fixed on the set of the medium length, colorful dildos she saw in the first aisle. She was thinking of getting one for awhile now, but she was not sure whether she'd be disappointed if she tried it or not. Her need thickened as she saw the various colors and shapes. She was also aroused from earlier when she touched Tegan. She cleared her throat and walked once again to that aisle. She stopped in her place and inspected.

"These are cute," Tegan mumbled. "Oh, I think these are the ones I can actually enjoy." She touched a shiny pink one. It was light pink _, too girly and too cute_ , Sara thought. She liked it, too. She put her hand next to Tegan's to feel the softness and the texture.

"I'm…I'm thinking," She couldn't continue without stuttering. "I want one like that for me."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. I really want it." She didn't want to sound desperate but she really was. She missed having something inside, something that could fill her. "I can't take the one we have."

"We can get this. I mean, are you okay if we both use it? If you're not, then it's fine, I can, like, get another one."

"No, we can use this together. I mean, I'm not even sure I can take it."

"Don't get this wrong, Sara, but we're kind of…you're kind of as tight as I am, not any tighter."

Sara laughed, nodding her head because it was true and she felt it, too.

"Yeah, I was not tight before the surgeries. Men would love knowing that I am tight as a virgin now."

"You're not as tight as a virgin." Tegan rolled her eyes. Sara loved to see each reaction after teasing her lover.

Sara cooked while Tegan studied until it was time for them to get ready. They both entered the bathroom. Tegan showered and Sara plucked her eyebrows and the few hairs above her lips while waiting for her turn. Then she showered and Tegan dressed and did her hair. They shared a little talk in the bathroom. Tegan was going to meet up with Emy for dinner then they were going to meet Jeremy at the bar. Sara hoped Tegan wouldn't be too late so they could, maybe, have sex before falling asleep. Sara wanted to be touched. She was still aroused and it amazed her.

In the diner, Emy opened up her cheeseburger sandwich and removed everything inside—the tomatoes, lettuce, and onions.

"Ketchup?" Tegan offered.

"No. I don't want that."

"You liked ketchup." Tegan was the one who didn't fancy ketchup in her fries.

"These antidepressants I'm taking are making me hate everything."

"Oh, god," Tegan said with a repulsed expression. "I remember that."

"You don't take them anymore?"

"No." She squeezed some mayo on the side of her fries. "I take fertility drugs that make me eat literally everything."

"Shit," Emy said as she bit into her sandwich. "What the fuck are those?"

Tegan wiped the mayo off her lips and swallowed her bite. "My doctor said I am as fertile as a woman in her late thirties, which is basically because of genetics. So the only way I can conceive quickly as we planned is by taking these."

"Oh, wow. That's…that must seem overwhelming to you."

"You know what scares me?"

Emy shook her head with food in her mouth.

"Not becoming pregnant." It did not really scare her. It worried her for the most part. She didn't want to have kids but thinking of not actually having them made her anxious. Sara's heart would be broken for a start; she would feel terrible if that happened. When she thought about the decision she had taken the previous year of not wanting to have a kid she felt herself silly, knowing that she was going to change her mind one day. However, when she remembered the reasons behind her decision it actually frightened her that she was taking a step she was never going to be ready to take.

"Oh, come on. You will be. There's nothing wrong with you." She shook the thoughts away, though. She didn't want to tell Emy all that. She didn't want to tell anyone anything anymore. People didn't really help; they just gave the advises they saw appropriate for their own situations.

"My mum struggled for three years to have me and couldn't have another after me. I didn't tell Sara that I probably have almost the same issues she had. I mean, I'm not sure if I do, but, like, I have two aunts who couldn't conceive."

Emy nodded when there was nothing to say. Her soft blue eyes were sweet and lovely. Her lips were red with lipstick and her cheeks were pale and frozen.

"Did you find a donor?" she asked when silence prevailed.

"No." Tegan's lips went downward. "Maybe she did but I'm afraid to ask. I don't even know."

"I think you should talk to her about it."

"I really should." Tegan sighed.

Stacy helped Sara in the kitchen before the invited women arrived. Sara had bought new crystal glasses for the drinks. She didn't want to entertain with old tableware. She also purchased a nice porcelain table set with pink and green floral patterns and gold rims. The handles of the cups were nice, Stacy thought; the ends of the handles didn't stick to the cups, they were like flying wings—that's what they reminded her of. Stacy had baked some of her famous petit fours and macaroons. Sara squealed when she saw the sugary goodness.

"Tegan loves macaroons. Let me just leave her some in case none will be left." Sara took one f each three flavors—pistachio, vanilla, and strawberry—and added them in a separate plate for Tegan.

"Add some of these, too. I think I nailed it this time." Stacy added some petit fours as well.

"You always nail it, Stace. You should start some baking business."

Stacy chuckled; half amused, half derisive.

When Sara's small living room was full of people, Stacy wished she hadn't wasted her time joining them. She would have saved the twenty-five dollars an hour she was going to give Ella's babysitter. How hard was it to find babysitters in Montreal? Barely anybody around her spoke English. It felt like she was living in a foreign country.

She didn't know English Literature professors could be so shallow because they were supposed to be well-educated and smart. The conversation was a bore and the topics were silly. She could see that even Sara was not enjoying herself. Were they like that when they were in their late twenties? Maybe she was like that when she got married. She didn't remember calling Sara and gossiping about sex because that had already happened in high school, and she assumed that was the time of these silly topics. Or maybe she was just getting too old and too boring with a life so empty. The last time she had sex was a very long time ago, she couldn't remember what the feeling of an orgasm was anymore. She didn't even have time to touch herself, not that she felt interested or aroused enough to do it. She was truly a celibate now, and in her mind she snickered at herself, in her mind she shed tears for herself, in her mind she cussed at herself. Her sexual needs were frozen, yet she didn't complain the way Sara did. Maybe because she didn't love someone the way Sara did. She had loved Sara, though. God, she had. She had kissed Sara and had wanted to have sex with her. It was just a one-time feeling, she was lost and scared that her life was going nowhere. _So what?!_ She told herself now. Let it go nowhere, she didn't care. As long as her kid was safe and sound, she didn't care.

"So I heard you have a cute, little four-year-old," Dana interrupted her pensive thoughts. Stacy didn't know where the sound was coming from. She looked at both sides, finding Dana on her left.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and answered, "Yeah. Ella. She's four, yes." Her voice was raspier than ever and a bit cracked. She cleared her throat. She really didn't fit in. She really wanted to go home. She really wanted to cry. That was a new feeling, wanting to cry every single hour. It was actually cathartic and she was getting addicted to it.

No, it was not good. It meant she was feeling sorry for herself. She was never one of those who pitied themselves. She judged Sara for doing that. She used to scold her for doing that. Maybe it was karma, maybe.

"Well, I have Matt. He's four, too." While Dana talked, Stacy glanced at her best friend, nodding her head politely with a sweet smile upon her lips. She smiled and looked at Sara's friend again. "I was thinking maybe we could meet up again, here or at my place with Sara, certainly. But you would bring your daughter and my son would be around. They could have a little play date."

Stacy looked at Sara once again as the professor shifted in her seat. Their eyes met and Sara smiled at her the warmest and most tender smile, the one that promised remedy after patience and good times after misery. She wanted to cry more.

"Uh, sure, yeah. I mean, Ella doesn't like boys, to be honest, but we can try." She didn't want to. She didn't want to meet people. She didn't want anyone to know her story. She didn't want people to know why she had gotten a divorce, why she limped when she walked, why her body was bruised, what her husband used to do and what Ella had seen. Sara was the only one who was supposed to know that. And now Tegan did. But she didn't care that Tegan did because Tegan didn't look at her weirdly or treat her any differently. Tegan was typical Tegan and that was good, and that's how she wanted it to always be.

"Oh, wow. So you think your daughter just hates boys because she's at that awkward age when boys tease? My son does not. He's an angel." Dana's accent was annoying her. It reminded her of Jack's accent when he was trying to tease everybody around, and especially his wife. She looked at Sara again, wondering how her mental state was with Jack around. Sara never mentioned him, and she didn't ask, too. How terrible was that of her not to ask.

"No. My daughter doesn't like them. She's not interested. She likes girls." She felt silly saying that, but she wanted to annoy the woman the same way she was annoying her.

"Oh," Dana said with shock in her tone. Stacy's left eyebrow rose, ready to sting with her tongue to make herself feel better. "She's uh…four, she can't even know whom she's attracted to. She's just a little girl."

"Oh, she does. She's attracted to girls. It's normal. The way you were attracted to boys when you were her age, the way your son's attracted to girls. It's normal." Stacy was rude. Her attitude was wrong, or that's what people said. A woman who stated her opinion was always a woman with terrible attitude. She rolled her eyes and continued sitting alone with her own thoughts and hatred towards everybody but that woman who sat at the other end, clad in a white shirt and black trousers. The curve of her lips, the swell of her breasts, the thickness of thighs and yellowness of eyes—all were what Stacy wanted to admire as she sat around those chatting women.

When Jeremy arrived to the bar, he kissed both his friends on the cheeks. It was awkward for Tegan to smell the cologne she had gotten him for his birthday close to her. It was not awkward to be around Emy, though.

"How was your date with your girl? Why didn't she come?" Emy asked.

"Oh, it was fine." Jeremy looked at the menu. "She didn't want to interrupt."

"Interrupt what?" Tegan asked with a chuckle.

"You know, our hangouts as friends."

Emy was the one who did most of the talking at first. She talked about a book she was reading and how it reminded her of her and Jeremy's childhood. They were best friends but their mothers hated one another for a silly argument they had in high school. When they grew up, they tried to make their mothers work it out because it was affecting their friendship. They schemed and planned till they succeeded, and when they finally moved out to college, the old abhorrence was back in place. When Emy's brother died; however, Jeremy's mother was a good support to the family, forgetting the issues between them.

Then Emy talked about her excitement to start teaching again after summer vacation, asking Tegan to apply. Tegan said she was going to, but she was busy. Tegan talked about the preparation of their new house and her fear that something would go wrong. She didn't talk about any of the private details of her relationship with Sara in front of Jeremy the way she did in front of Emy. Jeremy didn't even know they were trying to have a baby.

"So are we gonna be invited to your wedding?" Jeremy asked. "Or Sara has banned us?"

Tegan laughed. "God, no. Sara's becoming softer towards…our friendship."

"She's too nice to me and it kind of scares me," Emy remarked.

"She's changed," Tegan commented. "I'm not having a wedding."

"What?" Jeremy shot.

"I am not. I don't want to. It's going to be at court. My parents will be there, I think." She sipped her beer and wiped her lips as she thought loudly, "I think Sara's arranging something but I have no idea what is it."

Then Jeremy talked about his girlfriend, whom he was falling for but afraid of this step because of the suspicion that she was still not over her ex-boyfriend, which made Emy admit her frozen sexual desire towards any human being, making Tegan's cheeks turn red and Jeremy's brows rise.

"It's really weird. I'm just not interested. Nothing moves me."

"It's the antidepressants," Tegan finally said. "They do these things."

Then Tegan talked about Jack and complained about Sara's quietude towards his presence. She was not sure how her lover felt about him being around.

"She says she hasn't seen him since we saw him, but I'm not sure about that. I mean, she has his number and they often talk. It's like she's running away from talking about him."

"Honestly, Tee, after the stuff you made me read in her notebook, that's not surprising," Jeremy noted. "He has caused lots of damage and she still did love him despite that. She wants to have a new start, she doesn't want him to ruin her relationship or stand in her way, so maybe she is actually trying to avoid him."

"Wow, you're actually defending her. That's new."

Emy was silent. She sipped her drink and said nothing.

"I am just stating what's reasonable. I don't want you to be paranoid about it."

"Well, you're right. She really doesn't like him being here."

After her guests left, Sara washed the dishes with her friend.

"Tegan demanded a dishwasher if she was going to have a baby, can you believe it?"

Stacy laughed a little. "Honestly, that's smart. Especially that you'll be working and she'll be too busy with the baby. It will be a bit hard."

"It's not like we're gonna have lots of babies, but you know, those are Tegan's excuses." Sara sighed.

She poured herself and her friend glasses of wine. They sat on the table and stared at each other. Sara tilted her head to the side and smiled. "What? Is everything alright?"

Stacy shook her head with a smile, tears slowly falling.

"Oh, honey. What's wrong?"

"Nothing really. I just feel empty and suffocated."

Sara didn't know what to say because she was aware of the throttling feeling. When she felt like the sky was crushing her to the ground, she didn't want anyone to make her feel better, she wanted them to listen.

"I cry a lot now." Stacy chuckled.

"It's okay to cry."

"I know that now."

"You felt bad about what Dana said to you?"

"No, no." Stacy paused. "I think I'm PMSing."

"Oh, blame it on that." Sara winked.

Stacy laughed, wiping her tears. "I should probably get going."

"No, stay a little."

"Ella is probably throwing tantrums now."

Sara sighed. "Stace?"

"Yes."

"I've been having an issue lately." She wanted to talk about what's been on her mind for the previous week. She didn't want to tell Tegan or anyone else, not even her doctor.

"What is it?"

"So, you know, I'm bisexual." Stacy laughed. "Don't laugh."

"I know, Sara."

"I've been wanting a, you know, or like fantasizing about…"

"Cocks."

"Yeah." Sara looked at her glass shyly.

"Interesting."

"It's ridiculous. I don't know why I've been just wanting that in me."

"A dildo, Sara. That's a good invention." Were they really talking about that? That felt awkward only because they hadn't talked about such matters in years.

"I know, I know. I've been dropping hints to Tegan but I don't want her to think it's because Jack is around. She's so sensitive and already thinks I'm still into him."

"Are you?"

"Hell, no." Sara poured herself another glass. "I've been ignoring his ass. I don't even respond to his texts."

"You know what's funny about you?"

"What?"

"You complain when you don't get wet and complain when you're so wet you want to ride a dick."

Stacy's bluntness shocked her. It was true, though. She was always whiny, she always complained to her friend about the silliest matters.

"Wow, who knew you still own such lewd vocabulary." Stacy laughed. "But, yeah, to be fair I am not _that_ wet. I've been just wishing Tegan had a dick at times."

"You better not tell her that or she'll hate your guts."

"Fuck, I know." She often wondered about her body's needs. The needs shifted and changed suddenly. It annoyed her. She had been satisfied with fake toys but why did she want the real thing now? It disgusted her. She hoped it's just a phase. She hoped everything was a phase. "You know, I just think it's because I haven't had anything more than a finger inside."

"Okay, TMI." Stacy stood up. "That's my cue to go. Call your fiancée to your rescue."

"Fuck you." But she was going to do that. Her body needed to be embraced and touched. Her clit was palpitating in her tight pants. The seam of the material was rubbing on it. It felt good but uncomfortable.

It was getting late. Their conversation had become lighter and more playful after each drink. Jeremy didn't drink much because he was going to drive both his friends back to their places. Tegan sat beside him and they chatted quietly while Emy texted her mother.

"So you met her parents and they didn't like you, or you felt that they didn't like you? Because that's different."

"I felt like they didn't like me. When I asked her, she said they didn't comment."

"Okay." Tegan hummed. "I think that means they don't trust her, maybe?"

"How?"

"Mom doesn't comment on anything I tell her about Sara. She doesn't trust me or my choices. So I think they don't trust her and her choices."

"Your mum doesn't like Sara, though."

"My mom doesn't even know Sara. She has no excuse."

Sometimes she wondered how Sara's mother would feel about her. She wanted to meet her, or at least see her picture. She wanted to know that mother that Sara spoke to on the phone once a week or told stories about before sleep. That woman was the one who shaped her lover into this woman that swung between two souls. She was cold as ice on the outside and soft as melting snow on the inside.

"I wish I'd meet Sara's mom, but I think that's impossible because Sara hates her."

"Hates her?"

"Or at least doesn't like her nor wants her around."

"Well," Emy jumped in, "after what you've told me about her and her mum, I would be feeling the same towards my own mother."

Tegan's phone buzzed. She laughed. "It's like she knows we're talking about her."

Jeremy looked at the screen when Tegan read the text silently.

 _Come home, I miss you ;)_

 _In a bit_ _J_

 _Come onnnn…_

"Want us to go?" Jeremy asked. Tegan looked up at him, shaking her head.

"She can wait a little."

Tegan looked at her screen again. Her phone was on the table, for Jeremy's eyes to see each word and each letter clearly. They were sitting close to each other. Sara sent her a Snapchat picture. "Oh, she finally learned how to send one privately."

She clicked on the pink box instantly; not realizing she was going to see Sara's topless torso. She gasped loudly, flipping her phone to hide the picture from Jeremy's wide eyes. She looked at him gaping at her. Her face burned as secondhand embarrassment kicked her in the stomach.

"What's wrong?" Emy asked.

Jeremy didn't say anything. He was trying to muffle his laughter.

"Uh, S…Sara sent a nude and…please, tell me you didn't see."

Jeremy didn't answer.

"Fuck," Emy said loudly. She started laughing. "That's so disturbing."

"I don't think I can look at her the same way ever again," Jeremy whispered. "Or see the sentence 'come to the rescue' the same way again."

Tegan buried her face in her hands and groaned. Why was her lover so careless? She looked at her phone again, checking if Sara had accidentally put the picture as a story.

She hadn't.

Tegan texted Sara.

 _I'm in public, fuck. What's wrong with you?_

Sara didn't respond.

"I think you need to go rescue her," Jeremy said. The shock was gone and now he was laughing with Emy.

"What did you see? Tell me."

"Guys, stop."

"Boobs. So much boobs."

"Only boobs? Pshh, that's nothing."

"Stop," Tegan moaned.

"I thought you saw pussy or something naughty."

"Seriously, Emy, stop."

"Party pooper."

"That's the woman I'm going to marry you're talking about."

"And your professor," Jeremy added.

"She's not anymore."

With alcohol they were a lot like their old selves when they were in college; free of troubles, lacking care, and ready to make fun of the silliest things without anything on their minds to disturb the amusement they created to console themselves with the candor of their thoughts.

Tegan hoped her lover was not upset with the text she had sent, but when she got home she found Sara asleep with the sheets covering only her lower half. She was still topless with her phone in her hands.

Tegan checked her phone. Her message was unread. She shook her lover slightly. She kissed the corner of her lips.

"Mmm, Tegan." Sara shifted with eyes still closed.

"Babe, I'm home." She cupped one breast, gently rubbing and squeezing. "I came to the rescue." She felt silly saying that. She laughed loudly.

Sara opened her eyes. She yawned then smiled. "Damn, I fell asleep."

"Sara, please, please don't send inappropriate pictures on Snapchat. I'm begging you."

"I didn't send it to anyone." Her nipples hardened again with Tegan's touch. She felt herself becoming aroused once again.

"But I opened it thinking it's a normal picture and Jeremy saw it. He was sitting next to me." Tegan took her hands off Sara's chest, scared of the reaction to come.

"You're kidding." Sara sat up. "He saw my tits?" She felt embarrassed but proud. She wondered what he said. She wanted everyone to know she and her lover were sexual, especially those that her lover slept with, those who loved her lover.

Tegan nodded. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Sara sighed, shrugging. "They're just tits."

"Wow," Tegan mumbled while kicking off her shoes. "You are actually a nudist."

"Are you jealous?" Sara teased. She threw the sheets off her naked body. Tegan looked behind. She checked her out, making her need rise once again.

"If it was someone else, yes, I would be. But not Jeremy."

She pulled her student by the collar, pushing her body up against the headboard. She straddled her, ready to act out the fantasies in her mind. She kissed Tegan first and Tegan held her waist, adding more to the heated kisses.

Slowly, she was flipped around. Her head hit the pillow and her student topped her. "I thought I'm the one who's coming to the rescue."

Sara giggled. "You are."

"Yeah, so let me rescue you the way I find appropriate." She stood up and unbuckled her skinny jeans. Sara spread her legs teasingly.

"I trimmed it down there so you could see. It was a forest."

"I like getting lost in the forest, otherwise rescuing wouldn't be adventurous." Tegan winked. She was making her blush and it felt wonderful and salvational.

"Wow." She had taught her lover how to turn her on with words without realizing it. She wanted to feel free like those old times. She wanted Tegan's eyes to widen in shock the way they did two years before. She wanted the younger woman to gasp and blush. She wanted her confidence to be stripped away, only in bed though. Only in bed.

Tegan took her pants off and sat on her knees, looking between the widely spread legs. "What do you want?" she asked softly.

"You're the rescuer, you should know."

Tegan touched her folds lightly, dragging her digits between her slit. She was aroused, but not wet anymore. When their eyes met, she knew what Tegan was thinking. She stopped smiling; the previous thoughts of making Tegan flushed with embarrassment flew away.

Tegan tried, though. She rubbed her clit gently and dragged her finger down to her entrance to inspect again. There was no use. She wished she hadn't fallen asleep. That was embarrassing.

"Uh, just umm…" Sara chuckled. "Forget it. I'm not getting wet."

"Shut up," Tegan mumbled. "You're getting there. You want it badly, I know you." Tegan started to unbutton her plaid shirt. "I know what you need." She smirked. It was her who was supposed to be smirking at her student, not the other way around.

Tegan pulled her maroon sports bra above her head, sighing when her breasts were free. "You like tits; they'll probably turn you on."

The sense of betrayal was strong in her chest. She was the one betraying her lover, or that's how she felt. She shouldn't have told Stacy that, or even thought about it loudly. She shouldn't have made the thoughts in the back of her mind become reality. She had to fix her thoughts with actions. She had to show Tegan that she wanted her. She let herself relax and breathed in and out softly as her head rested on the pillow, eyes staring at the younger woman pinching and pulling at her nipples.

She closed her eyes to relax, to focus on her need. She felt the softness of lips on her neck, kissing lightly and wetting her skin. She opened her eyes again. Two hazel orbs were focused on her. She smiled, tangling her fingers in her lover's hair.

"Want me to switch the light off and get under the covers?" Tegan inquired.

"No," she whispered. "I'm hot."

Tegan kissed for awhile. And Sara let herself surrender to each peck. But when Tegan began to suck on that spot she knew well above her chest, Sara's need pelted itself inside her body. She jumped all of a sudden when she recognized the feeling. She hadn't realized Tegan's fingers were there the whole time until she felt the rush of wetness seeping out of her hole. She smiled wanting to laugh when her lover's lips pulled one nipple inside the wetness of her mouth. As round lips sucked and pulled, the tip of the tongue flicked her nipple, making her squirm and move around to get the feeling she was aiming for.

"Look at that." Tegan held two digits for Sara to see. "That was quick." She sucked on them, exaggerating the sounds.

Finally she was able to think better about her needs. Now she was able to plot and scheme. Tegan was not going to take control of this, even if she was the one getting fucked tonight. She had to think of something that was going to drive her girl crazy. If fingers up the ass didn't do it anymore, there had to be something that made Tegan's eyes widen with shock and made her own lips turn to the side as she smirked triumphantly.

Tegan took her other nipple in her mouth, but she was concentrating on her scheme. Whipped cream and chocolate syrup had already been done, strange sexual positions or sex in front of the mirror was old now. They could try the sex toys they got today, but she was not sure about that. Her clit was sensitive and she had to be careful with the dildo, even though she needed it so much. Right now she wanted something that made her laugh while getting fucked. She wanted to be in control. She wanted to direct Tegan. She wanted it to be like old times because her libido was raging in her body.

"Fuck, Tegan." She pushed her head off when her nipple started to hurt.

"Sorry, sorry," Tegan apologized.

"It's okay." She touched her nipple, wincing slightly. "Tee, get me a peach."

"What?" Tegan questioned with furrowed brows.

"I'm craving a peach. Get me a peach." Tegan wondered whether she turned her off with the sucking. She was still wet, but maybe she had hurt her.

"No more sex?" Tegan stood up.

"I could eat and get fucked." Sara smiled wickedly.

 _What the fuck?_ "Oh, uh…okay." Couldn't she have waited? Tegan wondered.

When Tegan left to the kitchen, Sara laughed, knowing she had already made her head spin. She stood up on her knees, quickly reaching for an elastic hair tie to hold her disheveled locks. She was sweating and her body was flushed.

"Okay, so here is your peach," Tegan said, walking half naked towards the bed. Sara laughed at her lover's confused face.

"Don't you want one, too? Thought you loved peaches." Tegan loved peaches in a crazy obsessive way. She had eaten five peaches the night before. Sara thought she would wake up with an allergic reaction. She had also gulped a large piece of peach pie that afternoon. She made Sara get peach flavored ice cream few days ago. Sara didn't like it so Tegan hogged the entire bucket to herself.

"I do." Tegan sat on the mattress. "But I won't eat while having sex."

"Oh, yeah. You'll need your mouth to eat something else." Sara pushed her quickly, throwing her head on the pillow. Tegan shrieked with laughter. Sara took a bite of the peach, humming as she chewed. She stood on the mattress, feet on both sides of her lover. "Hadn't your mama taught you not to rescue the wolf?"

Tegan mumbled an inaudible 'holy shit' as Sara walked closer to her face.

"You like peaches?" Sara hoped she was not scaring the shit out of her lover, but at the same time she hoped she was planting an exciting type of fear in her stomach.

"Yeah."

"You like pussies?"

Tegan nodded.

Sara bit another part of her peach then put the bitten half between her legs, close to her cunt. Tegan gasped when Sara rubbed the watery peach against her wet folds. That was the reaction she wanted to receive; shock, wonder, awe, fear, exhilaration, lust.

"Now my pussy tastes like your favorite fruit." Sara winked. Her lover's face was crimson and her smile was big and bashful. She held the peach close to Tegan's lips. "Wanna taste?" Before Tegan could open her mouth, Sara took the peach away, biting into it and moaning loudly. "Mmm, I taste good. I would let you taste the real thing." She was proud of her confidence. She was proud she was able to make herself enjoy sex once again, to make Tegan shake with silence and gulp with need. She was glad she was able to let go of her insecurities. Sex was fun, she had always wanted it to be fun, she had always wanted to rekindle the fire of their sex and she was finally succeeding.

Tegan was silent and too stunned to say anything, which gave more room for Sara to be in control. She put the peach on the nightstand and lowered herself on Tegan's face. "I want to sit on your face."

Tegan laughed. Her laughter echoed in Sara's clit. She began to rock herself slowly as Tegan finally held onto her hips. Sara held the headboard and looked down at Tegan's coy eyes. Her breasts blocked Tegan but she didn't complain when she felt Tegan's tongue on her folds. She sighed and closed her eyes. Her hips moved forward then backward like a gentle wave.

Tegan touched her clit with her tongue first but Sara wanted more. She pushed her face, pressing on her lover's face. She hoped she was not making her uncomfortable with the scent that was getting stronger each second. Tegan's tongue began to work quickly, moving from her throbbing clit to her drenched slit—back and forth; twirling the engorged bud; sucking slightly and then repeating it again.

Sara was moaning softly. Her hips were rising and falling slightly but they were held well by Tegan's hands. She felt the palms on her lover spreading her ass cheeks. She felt the stiffened tongue ready to push inside. She sucked her breath when she felt Tegan beginning to fuck her with her tongue.

That was amazing. It was exotic. It was like falling then flying. It was like that dream when one dreamt they were about to fall from a high place then they instantly woke up. It was not real. It was not even believable. She was floating. Tegan held her and she was floating. All the control she had was in the hands of Tegan, who was performing art with her special tool.

She held onto her own breast and kneaded. She looked down at Tegan's wide eyes. "I love you," she mouthed breathlessly. "I love you so much." She wanted to cry. The feeling was indescribable. Her love was indecipherable. Feelings rushed out of her chest and her mouth. She mouthed words of love and poetry as she rode her lover's face.

 _"_ Yours is the light by which my spirit's born— you are my son, my moon, and all my stars." Sara threw her head back and opened her mouth when she felt the flow coming. "God, I love you. I love you, Tegan. I love you. Fuck, I love you," she cried loudly with each shake that rocked her body.

Her clit celebrated in Tegan's mouth and her juices danced on Tegan's chin as the waves made her cunt rejoice, convulsing and contracting as she rode her orgasm till she was empty of feelings but full of gratification.

She fell on the mattress upside down, knowing it would take an army to move her back to her pillow. She wheezed and laughed when Tegan jumped above her, kissing her red face with her wet lips. She tasted herself on her lover as they made out. They held each other tightly, felt the damp skin and loud heartbeats, their breasts squeezed together and their legs tangled. They laughed again when they let go.

"I love you, too. I love you so much," Tegan said then pushed her head in Sara's chest. "My face is sticky."

"Aww, I'm sorry." Sara laughed.

Tegan rolled around next to Sara and yawned. She looked at Sara's glowing face. She wanted to kiss her for hours.

"Did you enjoy it or was that too much?" Sara asked.

"I loved it. I was like, Sara's back. My slutty professor is back." Tegan laughed. "I can't believe you quoted E. E. Cummings while coming. I'll tell that to our grandchildren."

"Fuck you." Sara cackled. "I hope we'd have more of that before we have a kid. Because then I won't be able to ride your face like that."

"Speaking of that," Tegan said carefully. She had learned that talking about what she feared was always better at night. Her day wouldn't be ruined and she would sleep it off if the outcome of the conversation was terrible. "So, umm, I was wondering…" She traced Sara's tattooed arm with one digit. Sara looked at her with drowsy eyes. "Do you have, like, a donor in mind? Are we gonna like fish one from the internet? Like, we haven't talked about that at all."

Sara nodded slowly. She kissed Tegan's digit when it touched her lips. "I actually do have someone in mind and I…I was going to talk to you about it very soon."

"Oh, really? Who is it? Do I know him?"

Sara shook her head. "It's, uh, it's…it's my cousin, Adam. I…I…uh told you about him before."

"What the fuck?" Tegan uttered loudly.


	18. I'm Not A Robot: I Cry, I Sweat, I Bleed

Author's note: mean, offensive stuff are said. Lots of sweat, blood, and tears.

* * *

"It's umm…Adam, Audrey's brother?" Sara was dreading this moment. She had been thinking about it for the past three weeks when she had finally come to a conclusion on who she would like to have as a sperm donor. She knew it was not solely her own decision; Tegan would have to have a saying as well, but she thought she'd have an option she could project as well. She had clear and strong reasons why she wanted her cousin to be the donor. "Before you attack, that's just my option, I know you can have your own option since you're the one carrying, I know I don't have a saying in this, but please, Tee, please hear me out."

"Okay," Tegan said, sitting up straight; nude and shivering. "Talk."

Sara would have sat up as well but the effect of her orgasm was still strong, making her body numb. "I just wish it's someone related to me because I want the baby to have my genes as well. I actually talked to Adam, I just took his opinion, wanted to know if he'd be up for it."

"You asked him before asking me." Tegan nodded, staring at her exposed thighs.

"Yeah," Sara admitted. "Because I didn't want us to make a plan and be ready and then I'd ask him and he wouldn't be up for it. I just called him and talked about it, I said would you help us if we decided to conceive? You know, I just wanted to know what his thoughts would be."

"And he agreed," Tegan said.

"He said he wouldn't mind it if we chose him. I didn't tell him we did because we didn't, but, you know, I'd be happy if we choose him."

Tegan hummed, biting a thin lip while staring anywhere but unnerved Sara's direction. "I have nothing against your cousin, but isn't that too weird? He's your cousin, Sara!"

"Yeah? Why weird?"

"That's like me sleeping with your brother. Like having sex with someone you're related to and having a kid with them." Sara laughed, she couldn't resist not to. It was quite adorable seeing Tegan think of it this way. She was scared Tegan would disapprove for different reasons, but not for this one. Though, it was normal to think of it this way. Tegan was young; she had to remind herself that. She would have thought it was peculiar if she was Tegan's age.

"First of all, he's not my brother. Second of all, it's not any better than thinking of another man having sex with you then knocking you up. It's the same if I thought of it this way. Third of all, I don't think of it this way because I'm the one who's gonna fill that sperm in you, honey. He'll be nowhere near you. He'll just give us some of his sperm. Actually, he'll give the bank some, because, you know, you might not actually get pregnant from the first try and I don't want him to keep traveling here a lot. So yeah, we'll take some whenever we want and do the thing. We can do it at the doctor's or I can do it at home. You'll just have to lie there, come, and woop…I push it in."

"You make it seem so simple," Tegan stated in bewilderment.

"It is simple, darling." Sara massaged her lover's thighs; they were soft and delicious-looking. She'd ask for another orgasm if they weren't talking about something serious and urgent.

"It's not weird at all? I mean he's your cousin!"

"I don't mind it." Sara shrugged. "But you have the freedom of choice, Tegan. You can choose whoever you want and we'll think of him." As long as he was not Jeremy, Sara would be fine with her choice. She promised herself to give Tegan the freedom of choice, no matter what the man looked, no matter what his personality was. After all, she couldn't help but feel that she's forcing her into this, and she didn't want to enforce that decision on her as well. "Or if you want an anonymous donor?" Though she really wished Tegan would be okay with Adam. Adam was handsome; he had most of Sara's traits. They looked so much alike that everyone thought they were siblings when they saw them together.

"I just want a good looking, smart, and nice man. I want my kid to have those traits."

"It's fair enough."

"Is Adam good looking?" Tegan asked again, left hand on Sara's abdomen, tracing the faint lines of stitches here and there.

"I think he is. I can tell him to send a picture."

"Doesn't he have a Facebook or something?" Sara laughed. "I'm serious. I have to stalk before that."

"Yeah. Just search Adam Clement. You'll find him. You'll know him immediately."

Sara got out of the bed after a few minutes while Tegan began her _stalking_ through her cell phone. Sara went to the bathroom; peed, washed her vulva with warm water to get the stickiness of the peach off her folds, washed her face, brushed her teeth, and moisturized her skin. Her orgasm still buzzed in her mind when she saw the half eaten peach on the nightstand. She picked it carefully and walked to the kitchen in nudity to throw the peach away. She felt guilty she used a fruit for her pleasure, she didn't know why. Sometimes after sex she felt guilty and disturbed with her lust-filled ideas. As long as she was horny, she was insane. She walked back to her room and put on a large purple T-shirt she confiscated from Tegan. She truly wanted to wear her black and rose-gold babydoll, but she felt dirty even though she had washed up. Plus, she was not sure whether Tegan would laugh at the stuff she wore to bed or not notice, or, perhaps, she wouldn't be much into that type of lingerie.

"Did you find him?" Sara asked. Tegan was still topless, seated on the mattress. Sara wanted to change the sheets. Something within her couldn't settle and sleep the night if she hadn't changed them.

"Oh, yeah," Tegan said with a smirk.

"And?" Sara pulled the sheets from under her. "Move your butt, love. I need to change the sheets." Tegan got up, still holding her iPhone, focusing with intense concentration on her screen.

"He's very handsome?" Tegan asked, finally looking up at Sara. "And, like, very hot." She swallowed, making the professor laugh. "He has a girlfriend?"

"Yeah," Sara said, stripping off the mattress.

He indeed looked a lot like Sara, it was strange how there was a male version of her woman. She scrolled through his pictures with a beating chest. His eyes were terrifyingly attractive and his smile was simply alluring. Any girl would fall for such looks. He had green eyes; very beautiful green eyes which Sara did not have, nor herself, nor anybody she knew. Though her eyes leaned towards a greenish color after she cried sometimes, they were still classified as hazel.

He also seemed active. He was an editor in a magazine in NYC at the current moment. Tegan didn't spot any girl in his pictures and she wondered how he was single. He was only four years older than Tegan. He seemed vigorous, cared about many causes and volunteered in humanitarian matters occasionally.

"She'd be okay with him being the father of somebody else's child?" She asked carefully. If she was his girlfriend she would say no.

"He's the donor, not the father," Sara said, spreading the light blue sheets that Tegan loved on her mattress. Those sheets were Sara's when she was a teenager; her mother had brought them when she visited a few months before. "He will have nothing to do with the baby. He'll sign the paper that he won't be in the kid's life. We will be the mothers and we will be the only responsible ones. Yes, biologically, he is the _...father…_ " Sara air-quoted. Her lips turned upside down. Oh, fuck, there it was, it was the famous frown before the tears. "But…but I don't want my kid to be confused having many parents." Sara sighed. "I don't want to be abandoned," she whispered.

"Nobody will abandon you." They were not even pregnant yet and Sara was feeling left out. Tegan had not known that Sara's jealousy was this deep. Or maybe it was some feeling she could not comprehend; something that had to do with wanting to be a mother so badly. "In fact, I'll probably throw the kid at you all the time. If you could breastfeed him or her, I'll be more than happy."

But Tegan was scared. What if her kid became an orphan one day? No, no, no…stop it. She wanted to scold her brain. What if they needed something that made them want their biological parents? Blood? A kidney? God, anything. What if Sara…no…no…no.

"God, if there is such a technology, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't remove that kid from my breasts." Tegan wrinkled her nose as soon as she turned her face towards the closet. _Why_? She wondered, _what's so great about a baby's mouth on your nipples? That sounds disgusting and horrible._

She grabbed her pajamas and turned around. She removed her soiled underwear and did not bother putting on another one. Her shorts were enough, she thought. She would have to shower in the morning though. Right now, she just needed to wash up and brush her teeth then fall into a deep, calming sleep. She had so much to do in the morning. But before that, she had to give Sara her final decision.

"Okay. We'll go with Adam. Tell him about it."

"Really?" Sara asked confoundedly.

"Yup." She would rather Adam than a stranger, just in case….in case something happens…anything.

The week passed rather quickly than expected by both the student and the professor. Finals and due dates made Tegan unable to shower for days, which made Sara groan when they went to bed and her lover had a terrible smell.

"I'll shower tomorrow, I promise," Tegan muttered with a faint giggle as she faced her pillow.

"If you don't, I'll push you there myself. I can only smell sweat right now and I just showered," Sara said with gritted teeth.

She too had been working nonstop, which made her more grumpy than usual. The new position was not all fun and games. She had to attend meetings and conferences till late hours of the evening. She would come home exhausted, ready to crash instantly without even feeding her hungry stomach; however, for three days straight she returned home to find Ella and Tegan causing havoc in her little apartment. The first day she and Tegan argued about the mess, but Tegan laughed and mocked the way she did when they went to bed and Sara scolded her about her smell. The second day Sara called Stacy and told her to come get her daughter. Stacy laughed and mocked as well. The third day Sara cried alone in the room until Tegan apologized and cleaned the place. But when Tegan went to bed with her terrible smell, Sara felt like crying again. Sometimes she just wanted a foot rub, some care, someone to spoil her; but lately she'd been seeing the opposite. Her suspicion that Tegan was doing that on purpose rose when Tegan refused to go to the medical center on Thursday, deciding, instead of saying a simple no, to throw a tantrum about not wanting to be examined.

"Stop saying I'm not a kid and I'm an adult. I get it. I just don't want to…and I have so much shit to do, okay? Like, I have to fucking finish the stupid thing you're making us write. The due date is tomorrow." And tomorrow was the final university day for both Sara and Tegan. Sara sat on the couch and sighed. Maybe her lover was feeling nostalgic. She, too, had felt nostalgic upon graduation, but she didn't recall being in such a terrible mood or throwing fits like the one Ella threw.

"But baby, you have to." She also tried to be soft and patient. She knew that yelling and force would get her nowhere with Tegan. "You have to be thoroughly examined because we're starting in few weeks. Tee, come on."

"I don't want people to shove things up my vagina." Tegan frowned. Before Sara could open her mouth, Tegan shot, "Don't you fucking dare say I'm a grown up and I need to stop making a fuss about it. You fucking don't like it, too. Okay?"

"Okay." Sara nodded. Her patience was running low. "But you're not gonna get a pap smear this time, Tee. You've already done that. Just regular tests. Blood tests. Regular examinations."

"I'm not in the mood." Tegan simply shrugged while typing on her keyboard.

Sara left her afterwards. She went to their room and closed the door. She read a little bit, texted Stacy about Tegan's tantrum, then decided to write…about Tegan.

A few sentences after none other than Tegan came inside. Sara sighed when she looked at her.

"Let's go," Tegan said.

"Are you serious?"

"I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm just moody, okay?" Tegan stretched her arm for the professor to take her hand. "I think I'm getting my period."

"No, Tegan." Sara slammed her notebook and continued, "Don't always blame it on that. It's like you do it just because you're menstruating, as if you have to in order to forcefully experience the PMS everyone talks about. You do it on purpose, not because it's actually true that women tend to be bitchy when their cycle is close."

"Wow, thanks." Tegan rolled her eyes. "You obviously don't remember how you probably were when you still functioned like every other woman."

Sara's eyebrows rose. She took a deep breath and nodded, wanting so much to cry but resisting with all the power within her. "Neither do you," she simply uttered, standing up erectly.

"Shit, Sara, I'm sorry." She bit on her lower lip, but Sara could not stare at her face more than that second.

"Let's just go."

"Sara, I'm sorry," Tegan repeated.

"Let's go," Sara said shortly.

They did not talk to each other that day more than a few words here and there. Tegan hated the amount of tests and exams she had to do all in one day. When it was Sara's turn, Sara cried. She knew Sara didn't cry because of the pain or discomfort, she knew those were her words that made Sara cry. Dr. Anderson apologized but Sara shook her head and said it was okay. Dr. Wilson said she was going to call with Tegan's test results, but Sara was fine and did not need to worry. As long as Sara was fine, Tegan didn't care.

At night Tegan apologized to Sara a number of times. Her guilt couldn't wash itself away. Whenever Tegan said sorry, Sara changed the subject or said something remotely related. They didn't face each other while sleeping, even though Tegan was sure she smelled good because she had been showering for the past two days.

Sara was upset with her lover's words, but she couldn't do anything about them because they were actually true. She was not really functioning like any other woman, no matter how much she tried to convince herself. She just wasn't. It had been much better lately but the differences were still present. She did not get a cycle and as much as any woman would love that, she knew deep down that most women cherished these cycles because it made them feel young, normal, lively, and feminine. Was there anything pretty about dead ovaries and a dead uterus? She really didn't know how other women felt about it but to her it was a big deal, an issue she yet had to overcome.

What made her annoyed with herself mostly was the fact she had planned something special in her head since they bought the new toys. Being angry at Tegan made it hard to proceed with her plan, but knowing it was the last day Tegan was probably going to spend in this university made her eager to continue despite her hurt feelings.

She decided to continue, but also decided to stay upset. That was a lot like her lover's childish personality, but she didn't care. She was allowed one or two childish moments as well.

She texted Tegan to follow her to the office after ten minutes from her arrival there. She began correcting some of the papers handed to her today. The sooner she finished, the sooner she focused on their house. She had already contacted a construction and interior finishing company to work on her new house without Tegan's knowledge. Whenever Tegan whined about being too busy to continue their house decorations, Sara told her not to worry. She wanted it to be another surprise.

"Sara, I'm so sorry," Tegan said as soon as she came inside. Sara was sick of the apology.

She stood up and sighed. She went to the door, locked it then closed the curtains.

"Umm…are we gonna?" Tegan asked. Sara did not give her any response. She began removing the items on her wooden desk, one after the other. She was not careless enough to throw them on the floor like she had seen men do in porn when they were about to fuck their students. She shivered, remembering her teenage days and the type of sexist porn she used to get off to.

"Lie down," Sara said.

"Do you forgive me?" Tegan asked.

"Lie down," Sara repeated. "You have a fantasy, I'm making it reality."

"Not when you're angry at me, it's no fun." However, Tegan did sit on the desk. "Sare…"

"Just shut up. I'm still mad at you, but I'm gonna fuck you because I want to." That made Tegan swallow and shudder. Did she like it like that? Was Sara serious? Were they playing? She didn't care anymore as soon as Sara removed both her jeans and briefs in one swift movement. "Don't dare make any sound. Bite on my hand." Sara put her hand close to Tegan's mouth.

Then Sara lowered down her pants and her grey Calvin Klein briefs. Sara had never worn briefs or boxers or any androgynous underwear despite her outer appearance. But Sara was strapped, and had been strapped throughout the day. That toy was between her legs in class, while she talked to her students, while she talked to other professors, and while she said goodbye to everyone. That alone made Tegan begin to pool on the mahogany desk beneath her.

She was afraid Sara was going to simply stick that pink toy in her without any affection or any emotions, but Sara was never like that. She kissed her, after two days of not being kissed, Sara finally kissed her and touched her. They hadn't had sex since the week before and she hadn't even touched herself. Her body was tender, she could start at any moment, she knew it. Her body hurt as well, she was exhausted with all the studying and thinking she had done. Not only that but her upper left wisdom tooth ached her all night long and she had been living on painkillers for the past three days, waiting patiently to remove it and get rid of all her wisdom teeth. She was supposed to take them out the semester before, but she promised herself she would do it after graduation, and now she had to do it. They had an appointment in five days. She hoped she could last till then, the pain was getting worse.

Sara didn't remove her shirt, but she did sneak her hand in there and cup her sore breast through her thin bra. She stroked her folds and dipped between her slit till her wetness thickened and her core ached.

Sara cupped her mouth before pushing in, knowing the kind of voices Tegan would pronounce in the very inappropriate time and place. So Tegan indeed bit on Sara's hand and Sara wanted to cry. This toy was much better, Sara could tell without Tegan having to declare it. The younger woman's eyes were full of lust, need, and pleasure. Pushing and pulling was easy as well. Sara circled her clit and thrust in her.

For Tegan, it was the rush of doing it in such a prohibited place that made her reach the edge quickly and feel the touches deeply. Though Sara was angry at her, she could still feel the genuine tenderness and ripe love seeping out of her breaths. She loved this toy so much; she knew this was going to be the one that made her yearn for penetration from now on. They could just throw that big dildo away and keep this one only, maybe buy another one like it. But maybe she would need it after having a kid, she hoped not. She wondered if Sara would love the new toy too, she hoped she would. She didn't know when it was her turn to do Sara with it, but sometimes it was too hard to top Sara, to surprise her and dominate her. She could only be in control of Sara when Sara was feeling weak and self-conscious, and that's certainly not what she wanted for Sara. Plus, she probably couldn't touch Sara when Sara didn't speak one word to her unless she wanted to.

That night Stacy and her daughter (or mostly Stacy) decided to invite themselves over for a movie and pizza. Sara and Tegan had still not talked, not even after the sex or tidying the office together again or grocery shopping. Tegan had sought her mother for complaints and whining about her teeth instead of Sara, and Sara corrected papers all day till their company arrived.

Since there was a child in the house, they were stuck with _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ , which was not bad except that Tegan could barely eat anything on the left side and could barely move her mouth due to the swelling that was increasing because of one inflamed gum.

"Why don't you just take her to the doctor to remove it tomorrow?" Stacy asked Sara while Tegan pushed an ice bag on her cheek and whined throughout the film.

"She called her doctor and he told her that the whole area is inflamed. It has to heal before taking the tooth out." Sara said.

"He gave me antibiotics and painkillers but they're not working," Tegan said. "It keeps getting worse because half of it is broken."

"You broke your wisdom tooth?" Stacy asked while chewing the delicious, gooey, hot pizza without any sympathy towards the younger woman whose stomach gurgled but mouth couldn't move.

"Yeah, because she overthinks at night and presses her teeth together while asleep."

"Oh, yeahhh. Your mum used to do that, remember?"

"Yes," Sara mumbled.

"Such a bad habit," the friend commented.

 _One of many_ , Sara wanted to say but decided not to increase the growing tension between them. She couldn't believe they had become like those couples she used to make fun of; they always had issues and fought then you'd find out the mother pregnant one day and you would wonder how did it happen? _When did they even fuck? They hate each other,_ Sara used to tell Jack about their friends. _They just have sex because they're horny and then stay angry at each other? That's weird; I don't think I can have sex with you if I'm angry at you_. That was ironic, because only awhile later she became like those couples. She had sex just because she had to, sometimes she didn't even want it but Jack did, she never said no. And today she had sex while being angry and the sex didn't really fix it, she was still angry. If she was a man, she could have knocked up Tegan, like those couples she made fun of in her twenties.

"Look at my daughter cuddled up to you. She forgets me when you're around," Stacy addressed Tegan when Sara's phone rang and she had to walk out of the room to talk.

Tegan stared at the four-year-old child with her thumb in her mouth and her arm around Tegan's stomach, eyes fixed on the television. "She's my little friend," Tegan said with a made-up kid's voice.

"Tegan," Sara announced as soon as she entered the room again. "That was Dr. Wilson."

Tegan had not expected a call from the doctor at this time. She furrowed her brows at Sara, whose face seemed grave and weary.

"She said we have to visit tomorrow urgently."

"Why?" Tegan sat up, making Ella sit with her. "Did she tell you why?"

"Sara, oh, God," Stacy said. "Did she tell you what's wrong? You said your results are fine…"

"It's not me. It's Tegan."

"What?" Tegan had not expected that.

"Look, she said we don't have to worry but we have to go, but, like, she said it's kinda related to your health and it's serious and the reason she called now because she had to speak with Dr. Anderson, too…and it's something related to both of them I guess?"

"Why didn't she call me? Why did she call you instead?"

"Tegan, come on, that's not the time to focus on that."

"Ella, come on, babe. Time to go. It's bed time." Stacy stood up. She wrapped her lilac scarf around Ella's wriggling body. She didn't want the night breeze to hit her child.

"No…no, why did she have to call you? Maybe I don't want you to know? Maybe it's personal?" Stacy looked up at both of them. Her friend was beginning to lose her temper, she could easily tell.

"I don't wanna goooo. I wanna stay with Tegum. I don't wanna go. You go." Ella hugged Tegan's body, but Tegan did not give her any attention.

"Are you actually serious now? Not want me to know? It's personal? God help me with you, Tegan. I should get a reward for tolerating the bullshit you keep spewing out of your mouth. God…"

"Shush," Stacy said. "Stop it." Tegan had started sobbing heavily while Sara scolded. "She's crying, stop this. Stop it."

"Go, Stacy," Sara said coldly. "Don't get in the middle of this, please."

"Then don't yell at her in front of me. Don't fight in front of me or my daughter if you don't want me to get involved," she whispered reproachingly. "Come on, Ella. If you don't come, no candy for a week."

"Don't cry, Teetee. Don't cry." Ella kissed her cheek and hugged her, but Tegan couldn't stop crying. She had never felt so small, so stupid, and as abandoned as now. "But mummy, she's crying," Ella whined. "I don't want candy. I want Teetee to stop crying."

Stacy couldn't answer that. She stood there, watching a show she didn't like to watch. She had not thought her friend would ever sound so harsh to her beloved one. Sara had never been like that, it was her who played that role and most of the times she didn't like it, all of them she regretted it. She shook her head at Sara once again. Sara walked up to her fiancée. Both of her arms encircled the small shaking form, her lips came in contact with the wet face. But Tegan didn't yield to her kisses or her affection.

"Ella, you should go with your mum. I'll make her feel better."

"No, you're mean." Ella stuck her tongue out.

"Ella, honey, you should go. I'm fine. I stopped crying." Tegan wiped her tears quickly. She wanted Stacy to get out of the place as soon as possible. She wanted the show to stop.

Tegan heard Stacy tell Sara ' _Calm down'_ before leaving. Sara said nothing in return. Tegan took a deep breath and started walking towards the bedroom.

"Tegan, we need to talk," said Sara.

"Talk with your own reflection since you can barely tolerate the bullshit I spew out of my mouth." She took off her black hoodie and jeans. She reached for her bra and unclasped it from beneath her wife-beater, leaving it fall on the floor then kicking it with her foot.

Sara picked up the black bra and put it on the dresser. "It hurt me what you said yesterday."

"And you had to punish me by yelling in front of Stacy!" Tegan hopped into bed and closed her eyes.

"No." Sara sat beside her. "I'm so worried. It really hurt me that you said you don't want to tell me. Isn't that what you always preached? That in relationships we share the burden? We're one? And look at you now, you're being like me." Sara began to cry. "And God, now I'm so anxious and so worried and I don't know how to fucking hide it from you or be strong because this is not me, it's you."

Tegan put her hand on Sara's knee. She felt anxious, too; but she didn't think there was something terribly bad. If it was the opposite and Sara was in her place, she would be crying at the moment. "Let me sleep."

"Tegan?"

"Yes."

"I didn't mean to yell at you in front of Stacy. I know you hate that."

"It's just Stacy, I don't care anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"Okay," said Tegan, closing her eyes again. Her head ached because the nerve of her wisdom tooth felt as if it was tearing apart each nerve in her brain. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Sara didn't close her eyes at all. In fact she prayed. Yes, Sara stayed in bed and prayed. When Tegan woke up at dawn to use the bathroom, Sara was praying and crying. She had not ever wanted to be cruel to her lover. She was not like that. Tegan's words hurt her, but she knew they were spoken out of anger, fear, and irritation. Tegan was too young to weigh the words her tongue would carry out of her mouth, if only she could remind herself that. But that's not why she cried; it was the fear that Tegan's health was not well that made Sara unable to close an eye. Her heart stung all night long as memories attacked her. She had never felt so worried about anybody other than Alice and now Tegan. She didn't want to lose anyone. God, not anymore. _God, make me die before all of the rest._

"Did you even sleep?" Tegan asked.

"I can't. I'll sleep. Go back to sleep."

"Don't worry. Everything is fine. I know it. We'll have a baby."

"What do I care about a freaking baby if you're not healthy?" She cried more but Tegan couldn't believe that Sara cared about her health. It was the baby and the faint possibility of not being able to conceive that terrified her—Tegan was sure of that.

Sara took a relaxed, long breath of comfort when Dr. Wilson assured them it wasn't anything dangerous.

"I had to get you down quickly so we can begin the treatment since you're planning to conceive soon," said the doctor.

"Treatment of what?" asked Tegan.

"Iron deficiency anemia," responded the doctor.

"Till now?" Sara said.

"Unfortunately." The doctor looked at the heaps of papers on her desk. "Tegan, Tegan…" She sighed. "Where to begin with you?" She looked up at Tegan, smiling. Tegan despised those fake smiles. "Guess how much your hemoglobin level is?"

Tegan rolled her eyes, without giving an answer.

"Ten again?" Sara asked. Tegan had finally made her red blood cells reach the normal, healthy level of twelve the previous months. The fertility pills were helping her eat. The last time Tegan tested was two months ago. Going back to the low rate was far from what Sara expected, because Tegan was gaining color in her face and weight on her body. She didn't look like a pale skeleton anymore.

"It's seven." Sara's mouth went wide open with surprise and Tegan's brows furrowed.

"Is that even normal? I mean only people who have excessive bleeding or pregnant women actually reach this rate," Sara remarked.

"All her tests are fine. There is no internal bleeding, nothing out of the ordinary; she's perfectly healthy. I did talk to your gynecologist, Tegan. It's probable you have a heavy cycle, which causes that. Do you still feel dizzy? Nauseated?"

"My cycle is alright, I assure you." Tegan had a rather atrocious attitude when she spoke to Dr. Wilson. Sometimes it amused Sara, other times, like today, it vexed her. "And yes, I do, at times. But it's been like that since I was, I don't know, sixteen."

"Her cycle is heavy," Sara said. "She still faints. She fainted two weeks ago in the shower."

"What are you, my period monitor?" Sara did not smile.

"This is serious, Tegan. You can't ridicule everything regarding your health. I'm not here to criticize your body or your health. I'm trying to help you. You want to carry in about a month and this will hurt you and the coming baby."

Tegan nodded. She still had no idea what anything had to do with the other. She wanted to go home. She wanted to go home and she was ready to cry about it the way Ella had cried about not wanting to go home the previous night. Her tooth ached. Her head hurt. Her cramps worsened this morning. That God Sara was praying to the night before surely hated her.

"The treatment is easy and quick. You will have five sessions of blood transfusion. Two injections in each session." Tegan's eyes widened. "Intravenous injections, Tegan. The session is about half an hour in the ER."

"It's not scary, don't worry. I've done it many times before," Sara assured. "The iron supplements are not useful anymore, are they?"

"They certainly are," confirmed the doctor. "But she needs a faster method that would get her blood back to the required level, then she should continue with the pills. She will have two sessions each week. So she should be done in the third week from now, right before you guys get married, right?" Sara smiled. She had already planned it all with Tegan's family and her friends. She called Adam and told him to show up, she told Stacy, she told Sonia and Stephen. Sara didn't want to tell Tegan she was preparing a wedding dinner on the day of Tegan's university graduation. They had agreed they would go to court and sign the papers that day. Tegan thought her parents were coming for her graduation only. Sara was excited about that. She didn't want anything to ruin it.

"Also," the doctor added, "you will follow the diet I'm going to prescribe strictly." Mary Wilson smirked at whiny Tegan. "It has everything, so don't worry. But you need to focus on the portions."

"That's what you always say," Tegan mumbled. The doctor laughed amusingly.

"Stop whining. Now go change so I can show you something," the doctor ordered.

"What is it?" Sara asked.

"Go change and call us in when you're ready, Tegan." Sara sighed when Tegan left. "She's a handful," the doctor whispered.

"Is she okay?" Yes, she knew it was hard to handle Tegan but she was not going to confirm that to anybody than herself, not to the doctor, to her friends, to Stacy, to anybody. She was the only one allowed to complain about Tegan, and Tegan was the only one allowed to complain about her, too. They both were not rainbows and sunshine all the time; both of them were complex in their own ways, both of them needed to carry one another when one was down. It was a mutual work; nobody should dare make fun of it.

"She's fine, but I want to tell you guys about something Dr. Anderson and I have been worried about for awhile."

"What is it?" Sara hated suspense, she despised delay, she couldn't sit in her seat anxious and worried till whoever held the information decided to spit it out.

"I'm ready," Tegan entered the small room in the examination gown. Sara and the doctor stood up to walk to the examination room connected to the small, bright office the doctor sat in.

"Okay, Tegan, lie down and cover yourself." And so Tegan did. Sara walked up next to her with a careful, lopsided smile that was not reciprocated.

"I've been discussing your test results with Dr. Anderson for awhile, Tegan. Do you recall when we talked about that sudden bleeding you faced about a year ago after your car accident?"

"Yes." The doctor lifted the gown up, revealing the younger woman's tensed pale stomach.

"Dr. Anderson had discovered the reason behind this bleeding so when I talked to her about it, she told me she would have to run some tests to make sure you are completely healthy before talking to you about it."

Sara held Tegan's hand when Tegan flinched as the doctor put some cold gel on her stomach. "Tegan, the reason you were bleeding was not because of shock. You had an endometrial cyst and it had ruptured inside your body. I believe the accident had something to do with the bleeding coming out of the body since it was most certainly internal bleeding only."

"Seriously?" Sara asked. "Is she okay? But…"

"She's fine," the doctor cut the professor off. "Tegan, look at the screen."

"What the hell is an…whatever that was? Like what's that? Is that dangerous?"

Sara was shaking while holding Tegan's hand. "Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not." She had had a number of those, one of them was cancerous and after that one her body was never the same. "Almost every woman gets one, sometimes you don't feel it, sometimes you do. It goes away on its own sometimes, other times it ruptures or bursts and that's when you need to see a doctor."

"So she should have seen a doctor back then?" Sara asked.

"I think it would have been better if she had seen one. But since the bleeding and pain disappeared quickly, it was not that necessary."

"But it's a cysts. It could have been…" Sara sighed.

"It could have been cancerous, yes." Tegan looked at her distressed lover. "That's what we were trying to figure out, whether she has an issue or not, whether more of these will pop all of a sudden and cause her problems in the future or not." Tegan felt lost, very lost. "See, Tegan. That's your left ovary. The tiny sack. That's where the cyst grew." Tegan could see and understand almost nothing, but she nodded anyway. "You are fine, and healthy. You don't have to worry." Tegan looked up at Sara's puzzled face again. Today her hair was wrapped in a tiny ponytail. She looked different, but fresh.

"Will she be able to get pregnant? I couldn't…"

"Sara," the doctor said loudly, "stop worrying. This is a different case. You had issues since you were young. You had multiple cysts, yours were cancerous. We made sure everything is fine, don't worry."

Sara remembered that the first person who examined her was this same woman when they were in college. Mary asked if Sara could volunteer to be her patient and Sara said yes. Back then Mary had warned Sara about that issue, but Sara, just like Tegan now, couldn't understand it much. "Watch out, Sar, it seems like you have a cyst project on your ovaries, both of them," Mary had said.

"What cyst project?" Sara had asked.

"It means that you are growing not one or two but multiple cysts and you need to see a doctor." Sara had never seen a doctor after that till she tried to conceive. The doctor told her the same. He said she would have to heal before getting pregnant. Once she healed, she couldn't get pregnant. It was not only the cysts, she believed, but also her inherited low infertility rate.

"So she will be able to conceive normally. She's fertile," Sara asked again.

"She is. I assure you she is." The doctor smiled out of politeness, Tegan could tell.

Back home, first thing Sara did was clean the place; get rid of the pizza boxes, disposable plates, and beer bottles from the night before. Tegan went to bed immediately to wallow in her nostalgia and pain. She Skyped with her mother, recounting everything the doctor had told her. Sara heard the entire conversation while cleaning their bedroom.

"I know you had a cyst," Sonia said.

"Why did you tell me it's nothing?"

"I didn't want you to worry. I could see it in the ultra sound they did for you in the hospital. Honestly, I didn't want you to undergo a pelvic exam in the state you were in. You were miserable."

"What if it had been dangerous or cancerous?" Sara asked, joining in the conversation.

"Hi, Sara," Sonia greeted.

"Hello, Sonia." Sara put the cleaning supplies on the floor and sat on the mattress next to Tegan. "I could tell it was not terrible. I am a doctor, I know." Sara nodded.

Tegan looked up at the ceiling, swallowing the growing lump in her throat. A flood of misery trickled in her brain. Many questions. Many doubts. Was it always going to stay this way? Was she always going to feel this way? Her body was not even hers, was it? Everybody decided on her behalf, everybody cared a bit too much. Did all women feel that way? Did Emy feel that way? Did Stacy feel that way? Did Sara and her mother feel that way? Was it only her that felt that way? Was she in control of anything in her life? Was she in charge of anything?

"Tegan?" Sonia called. "Are you alright?" She was cold, still cold. Since she had gotten together with Sara, Sonia remained rigid and relentless.

"Yeah," Tegan mumbled. "I'm just tired."

"Her wisdom tooth," Sara explained. "She can barely speak or eat. It's giving her atrocious headaches."

"It's like I'm about to lose my sight."

"You're going to remove it though, right?" Tegan nodded to the camera that showed her mother. She yawned.

"I'm having the most terrible cramps I've had in the history of periods."

"You always say that," Sara commented quietly.

"Yes, but every other time I take my painkillers and sleep for two days straight. Now I can't even sleep because of the pain of my tooth."

"Alright, well, I should go." Tegan knew her mother wanted to get away as quickly as she could before she began to complain and whine. Everybody ran away from her in these moments. Everybody but Sara.

Sara continued her cleaning and tidying. Good thing she noticed they had run out of tampons or pads before Tegan threw one of her tantrums. She told Tegan she was going to run to the store to get what she was going to need at any moment. She grabbed some vegetables, too, to make Tegan some soup. After that she drove to their house like she sneakily did each day. She smiled cheerily when she took quick glimpses at the renovations and finishing. She spoke to the workers and gave a couple of directions to the architect she had hired. He assured her everything was going as planned. When she went back home, Tegan was finally asleep, which gave her a quiet time to shower, read, and cook. In the evening Tegan woke up instantly, rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door. When she left she told Sara that she had thrown up everything she had eaten, which was almost nothing.

"Why?" Sara asked while preparing a bowl of soup for the younger woman.

"When I'm in too much pain I get nauseous and puke."

"God, your face is swollen." Tegan sat on the sofa. "Just have this for now and get back to sleep. Did you start yet? I got you tampons just in case."

"No," she said as she rubbed her eyes. "Did you get me pads, too?"

"Yes." Tegan liked to use both, she had told Sara, depending on her mood.

At night Sara spoke with Stacy about everything that had happened that day. She asked Tegan if she could tell the curious woman. Tegan shrugged. Stacy was always around, she knew everything about now. Tegan didn't care anymore about wanting to hide certain things from her. Tegan texted her friends while Sara talked to hers.

When they went to bed, Tegan said, "I finally started. God, tomorrow is gonna be hell."

"Well, congrats," Sara said sarcastically. She wished Tegan had showered before getting into bed. It was beginning to be irritating the amount of hygienic negligence her lover was portraying. Just because one was tired, busy, or in pain it didn't mean they were excused from cleanliness.

Tegan woke up in the middle of the night crying because of her tooth. Sara woke up with her. She could do nothing. Nothing at all. The dentist said that was normal because the tooth was broken, any air that would get sucked in would make her feel as if her head was about to burst due to the exposed nerve.

"Please tell me removing it won't hurt as much," Tegan cried. "I can't take it. I want to pull it out."

"It won't," Sara lied. She had had the worst experience removing her wisdom teeth.

"Liar," Tegan accused. "You told me you felt like you were being murdered before." Sara laughed, even though the last thing she expected to do was laugh.

"My time was different. And, like, I was too cheap to pay for the better surgery. It did not hurt; there was just a lot of work."

In the morning, after serving breakfast for her lazy, irresponsible fiancée, Sara said, "How about you take a shower now? The water is warm and Stacy might come over."

"No," Tegan said bluntly. "I don't need warm water; I need a heating pad so I wouldn't have to murder Stacy when she comes here." Sara stood up from the kitchen table and fetched the heating pad that she placed on the counter the night before. She knew Tegan was going to ask for it.

"Just telling you, you smell bad. You smell very bad and it's hard to even hug you."

"Well then, don't hug me. I don't want anyone in my personal space right now."

Tegan went back to bed and Sara began baking a regular chocolate cake to fill the free time in her hand till her friend arrived.

"Hi, where is she?" Stacy said cheerfully.

"In the bedroom. You don't wanna go there, trust me."

"Why?" Stacy asked, a plate of macaroons in her hand. "I made macaroons for her. Lots of flavors."

Ella ran to the room on her own, yelling an excited, jovial _'Teetee.'_

The little girl jumped on the mattress, making the grumpy woman groan and bury her head under her pillow. "Ella, don't jump."

"Why?" Ella said loudly. Tegan could hear the footsteps and chatter of the two women nearby.

"Because I'm in pain and I need rest."

"Ohhhh." Ella hugged her clothed back, which made her sigh and turn around.

"Hi, Tegan. I've got you macaroons," Stacy said as soon as she entered the stuffy room.

"Do I look like I can eat anything?"

Stacy looked at her friend, who shrugged without mouthing another word. Sara had already warned, but Stacy decided not to listen. Tegan turned into a zombie when she was moody, people thought Sara was exaggerating.

Stacy talked and talked and talked while Sara ate most of the delicious sugary treats that Tegan had been eyeing for the past hour while she lay in bed, softly crying due to the pain in her entire body.

"Are you sure she's fine?" Stacy kept asking after each story.

"Yeah, yeah, it's the monthly scenario," Sara said casually.

"Ohhhh." Stacy took a bite of the macaroons she made, making Tegan's stomach growl. "Oh, poor you. Can't she, like, eat anything? Food makes cramps go away."

"No," shouted Tegan. "God," she shouted again sitting up. "It hurts so bad, Sara," she whined. "Everything hurts so bad. I can't take it. I'm gonna die."

"You're not gonna die," Sara repeated what she had been telling her whenever she decided to jump up with a loud cry and exaggerate.

"I wanna fucking punch my head, okay?" Tegan groaned. "Why is it so fucking hot in here?" She unzipped her hoodie and kicked off the duvet, exposing her thin legs, yellow underwear, and her breasts hardly shielded by a sheer, white tank-top.

"Ohhhh," Stacy said and Ella giggled.

"Hey, babe, your boobs are out for the sexually frustrated to gawk at," Sara said, handing Tegan the duvet and glaring childishly at Stacy.

"Mummy, she's in her undies," Ella commented as if she had discovered a secret no one was supposed to know about. "And I can see her boobies," she continued in a hushed tone, thinking the other women wouldn't hear her.

"Ugh." Tegan didn't care. She was hot. She had hot flashes. She was annoyed. She was in pain. Nothing made sense in her head because she could only feel the pain in it. It was comedy for Stacy, puzzlement for her daughter, shame for Sara, and to her it was sad. It was sad she was getting laughed at and watched in her miserable state. "They're just fucking breasts, okay? You all have them. Calm the fuck down."

"Yeah, we shouldn't stare," Stacy told her daughter, even though her eyes stared right at Tegan's breasts. Sara threw her a questioning look, which made her face redden.

"I wanna take off my clothes, too," Ella chimed in. Tegan smiled through her tears. She grabbed Ella's hand and hugged her. "Eww, you smell bad." Tegan kissed Ella's rosy cheeks. It was wonderful how that kid never failed to make her feel better in her worst conditions. "What's that on your tummy? It's hot."

"That's a heating pad." Tegan's voice was raspy, but gentle while speaking with the kid. Sara stared at her, eyes glossy and shiny. "It makes my tummy feel better."

"I thought your tooth hurt."

"And my tummy." Ella kissed her swollen cheek, which was not the best idea.

"That's cute; let me take a picture." Stacy held out her phone.

"No, thanks. I don't want my tits to be in pictures." Ella gasped and giggled. "Yup. That's Tegan, raw and real for you. Enjoy the show."

"Let's go to the living room and leave her so she can rest," Sara suggested. She didn't get any response from Tegan but the thankful looks and pleading stares were enough for her to understand that her lover wanted her privacy.

"No. I'm not leaving." Ella stomped her foot on the bed. "I wanna sleep next to Tegum, please, please."

"But Tegum smells bad and she's tired," Sara tried.

"But I want toooo. I want to. I want to. I want to," Ella screamed.

"It's okay. Just leave her," Tegan mumbled, ready to close her eyes and get swallowed by the darkness of her thoughts.

"Good luck raising two children, Sara," Stacy said when they left the room.

Sara blinked a couple of times, counted to ten and smiled. "Want beer?"

"She's not ready to have a baby," Stacy insisted. "You can clearly see she's not ready. She's acting like a kid. Who…who in the world throws tantrums because they have period cramps or their teeth ache?"

"Can you not get involved in this? Please? That's my private life with her."

"Sara, I'm not trying to be against you," Stacy tried to reason, but Sara's ears were clogged to any pessimistic thought. "There is some picture that you can't see here. She's trying to show you she's not ready. She's trying to deliver the message to you and you can't even see it, or you refuse to see it. Because I'm sure she doesn't enjoy being laughed at, or being half naked or whining and getting mocked at while whining."

"Take a beer and shove your theories up your asshole." The professor faked her best smile and blinked her tears behind her lids. She was not going to stand there and be preached to by Stacy, cry and feel terrible about herself like she had always done. "It's set. We found a donor. He's coming in two weeks and we're going to start." She handed Stacy a beer bottle and opened one for herself. "We are going to have a baby."

Stacy shook her head with laughter. She had stood there plenty of times and preached, she had warned and advised; her friend didn't listen and after each heartbreak, each mistake, and each fall, Sara came running with tears in her eyes. Past repeated itself, Stacy was sure of that. Past was repeating itself because of Sara's nature. She pushed, pushed, pushed, and wanted; deluded herself, fell inside a false vision of reality…until it all came crashing down and Sara was left sobbing once again.

Once Stacy and her child left, Sara became determined to find her a partner. If she stayed single, she was not going to stop interfering in their life. The keys for the new house were not going to be shared; Sara had learned her lesson.

Tegan had spent all day asleep while she spent the day in the quiet place thinking and arranging. She couldn't visit their new house in case her lover woke up and needed anything. Her apartment had not been that calm in awhile. She had gotten very used to Tegan's voice, Tegan's laughter, Tegan's cries—Tegan, all of her—around the small place. Loneliness had departed these walls and that, alone, made her satisfied; it made her thankful. Was she ever going to miss this quiet after having a baby? She didn't enjoy it now, so she doubted she would enjoy it later.

An hour through contemplation under the dimmed lighting of the living room, she heard the bathroom's door open and close. She smiled, knowing the quiet was momentarily and the thunder of her lover was going to be noisy and loud once again in few minutes.

Tegan's left cheek was too swollen not to escape a giggle looking at, so Sara tried her best not to do that while facing the infamous scowl her lover carried with pride. "Did they go?"

"Yes." Sara sat up, allowing Tegan to sit beside her.

Tegan sighed loudly and slouched on the couch. She was wearing Sara's navy robe. "Good. Ella would have been horrified at the mess I made."

"What mess?" Tegan grabbed the mug on the coffee table and took a sip of the coffee Sara had made for herself. "You know, coffee's not that good for anemic people? We're going to start the first session tomorrow, by the way." Sara took the mug and took a sip. "Right before we go to the dentist."

"You want me to be in double pain?" Tegan frowned. "No, in triple pain because my cramps would somehow become worse tomorrow."

"It won't hurt at all. You won't even feel it." Tegan moaned, throwing her head on Sara's lap. "What mess did you make?"

"The usual mess." Tegan beamed at sighing Sara.

"Did you change the sheets?"

"Of course not. I'm waiting for you." Tegan had told her it was too disturbing and she would never change the sheets she bled on months ago after staining the mattress the first time she stayed at Sara after they got back together. The situation was recurrent almost each month. Sara always changed the sheets.

"Holy shit," Sara shouted when she looked at the mattress. "That's like a murder scene."

"I tossed and turned a lot and spread all the stuff…like, everywhere." The truth, she was lazy enough to go change the first time she woke up and noticed the circular red spot beneath her, so she changed her sleeping spot and continued her sleep.

"No wonder you have anemia. Do you bleed that much?"

"What does that even have to do with it?" Tegan sat on the chair and waited for Sara to discard the sheets off the mattress. She could feel her tooth beginning to twist with the nerves in her head slowly. Just a day left.

"It has everything to do with it," said Sara. "Where are your dirty stuff? You were only in your underwear, right?"

"Yeah, I threw it in the trash." Tegan waved her hands off. "That stain will never be washed off."

"That's what I used to do when I was thirteen and too ashamed to see blood on my clothes." Sara laughed. "That's why you keep ruined undies for periods only, so even if the stain was still there, nobody cares because it's period underwear."

"That's disgusting."

"All of that is disgusting, but you not taking a shower for five days isn't?"

Tegan didn't answer.

"Exactly." Sara patted the mattress. "Come lie down, I'll throw this in the bathroom and get you your vitamins."

Before falling asleep, Tegan asked the professor, "Are we still mad at each other?"

"Do you want us to be mad?" Sara answered groggily. Her eyes were beginning to close, her body starting to relax. What a long day it had been!

"No." Tegan looked at her, but she could barely look at her side and smile. She felt exhausted. "I wish you could kiss me and rub my tummy and talk gently to me."

"Oh." She shifted her gaze. Her lover was coming close.

"I'm sorry I smell," Tegan said. "We can't kiss because my mouth hurts." Sara laughed and so did the younger woman. "But I want it so bad…kiss my forehead."

She hugged her despite anything, the sweat, the scent, the fatigue. She kissed her forehead three times then kissed her nose and rubbed her back.

"So you're allowed to show your boobs to Stacy but I'm not?" Sara pondered.

"Jealous?"

"I am, actually. I don't like it when someone ogles my girl like that."

"Your girl." Tegan giggled. It was sweet. "You're allowed to be a nudist but I'm not?"

"Nobody cares about my wrinkly, old body." Sara hummed amusingly. "Did you see how much she stared? She's sexually frustrated, I swear."

"Yeah. I mean, is she, like, into girls...other than you?"

"I don't know." Sara paused. "Maybe she's bisexual. Or was just very impressed. Or very turned on. She didn't even tell you to cover up because Ella's around, she was enjoying it."

"Maybe around you she's nervous because you actually turn her on so she tells you to cover up. While it was just very casual to look at my tits. I mean, they weren't that visible, they were still covered."

"Lie to yourself, baby." Sara kissed her forehead again.

"Will you have sex with me after I'm done?"

"Of course." Sara smiled. "Are you horny?"

"Yes," Tegan said.

"We can have sex in the shower tomorrow if you want."

"No," Tegan said. Sara could almost see the repulsed expression on her face. "That's wrong."

"As you wish, but I'm always ready."

She could say that her sleep was long and nice. It was, actually, but it was interrupted by shrieks and cries. She rose out of bed and ran to the bathroom in her unconscious state, almost losing balance and collapsing on the floor. Tegan was on the floor, crying hysterically.

"What's going on? What's wrong?" The room spun for moments until she could open her eyes fully.

"I'm so scared. I'm so scared. Please, help me, please." Tegan turned around and emptied her stomach in the toilet. She turned around again and resumed her crying.

Sara knelt down to face her. "Why are you scared? How much did you throw up?"

Tegan hiccuped and shrugged. The weeping was unstoppable. "I don't know. A lot. I don't know. I'm just scared. I feel suffocated. I don't feel well. Everything hurts. I feel dirty. I feel scared. I want my mom, I want my mom. Please, just make it stop."

"Oh, God." Sara started to cry, too. That was a breakdown, wasn't it? Yes, it was. It was one of the worst breakdowns she had witnessed. No, no, it _was_ the worst.

"Tegan, I'm here. You're a big girl. Come on. Let's go to the room. Let's…oh, God." She tried to help her up, but Tegan was ready to fall, unable to carry herself. "Are you conscious? Do you hear me?"

Tegan held onto her arm tightly and nodded. She sat on the bathtub's edge and took a breath. Her tears didn't stop. "I want to shower. I feel disgusting."

"Now?" Sara asked. Maybe she was mean, saying these things to her. God, she was stupid. She shouldn't have told her to shower. She didn't mean it offensively.

"Yes."

"It's very late. You're already in pain, you don't wanna get cold."

"Please. I want water. I can't breathe." She began to take her pajama off. She removed each item slowly as she shuddered. Sara turned on the faucet and waited for the water to become warm. She started to remove her clothes off, too. She was not going to leave her in the middle of a breakdown.

"I'm gonna faint," Tegan said. "Help me."

"Shit, hold on." She turned her face away from Tegan in order to cry while she helped her remove her tank top and underwear. Tegan's hold was too strong on her arm, her small nails dug into the soft skin. In times like these she had wished someone to help her many years before. Times like these Jack walked away and her mother made her feel useless. Times like these nobody gave her a hand when a box of darkness encircled her. "Wait a minute; let me get your tampon out." She didn't care how intimate that was, how personal, how private. Tegan didn't care, too. She opened her legs while tears fell between them and hiccups echoed in the air. Sara tore up some toilet paper then pulled the string slowly till the piece of cotton came out. She wrapped it in the toilet paper and threw it in the garbage. Quickly, she helped Tegan sit in the bathtub and sat with her, not expecting the younger woman to throw herself in her arms like that. Warm water fell on them.

"It's okay…it's okay. Cry it out, baby. Cry as much as you want. I'm here." She was here, and she was crying, too.

Tegan's cold arms were wrapped around her, her head pressed on her chest.

"I feel like I'm not…I'm not a human."

"I know that," Sara said. "You feel controlled, your body's monitored, everybody has something to say about it. You can't even eat the way you want, you can't even help yourself, you can't even think about yourself. Everybody is looking, examining, telling you what you should and should not do." Just like her, just like the way she had felt. "Can you believe that was my life? For years…for many years. But I would rather die than make you go through this. We're not going to go through it."

"No," Tegan shook her head. "We are."

"We're not having a baby."

"I promised. I'm not breaking my promise."

"Making you go with something you're not ready for is abuse. I'm not abusive." Sara sighed. "And that was years ago, you were young. If you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have thought of it," she lied. She had always thought about it, since the year 2006.

"Sara." Tegan hiccuped while looking at her lover's distant eyes. Oh, how long had it been since she had thought of this word. They're distant. Not there. Were they always like that? Was it the night? Was it her misery? She was overwhelmed. She couldn't take it. She wished by now she would take her anxiety pills and numb her mind. Oh, how she wished. But the baby, the fertility pills, the house, the plan, Adam, the imagination, the happiness, the marriage. She didn't want to ruin it. Sara deserved to be happy.

"No Sara, no anything. We're not going through with it. You hear me?" She nodded. "You're bleeding on me," Sara commented. She almost jumped, ready to apologize and turn her heated face away from Sara. "It's okay. Stay here. Cry. Let it out." Was she still crying? Why couldn't she stop? She only cried more. She only made worst sounds. Sara gathered her locks from behind in her hand, and grabbed her waist as she looked at her. "We're good. We're good. Wa don't need a baby," Sara tried to convince herself with a smile.


	19. Surprises

No talking, no touching, not even a discussion between them for the past few days following that breakdown she had had in the bathroom. Deep shame haunted her each night. She ran away from the kisses and the affection. Her excuses were her swollen face due to the wisdom teeth removal and moody mind due to that break of plans that occurred. Sara gave her space but smiled each time their eyes met, tried to hold her at night before she refused and shifted as far as she could. When she changed her clothes, she hid from Sara until the woman started to recognize the foreign behavior when she had to use the bathroom but the door was locked; Tegan had never locked the door while showering. Sara did not ask neither did she confront her. They needed space; they both recognized that and respected it.

But God, it was killing her. Just a touch, one touch of a hand. That's all she wanted—one look, one smile. She took Tegan to their bedroom and dressed her that day after the collapse. She made her a cup of hot tea and put her to bed, kissing her forehead with tears streaming down her face. But in the morning, Tegan zoned herself out in a peculiar manner; almost out of shyness. When questioned about her cramps, Tegan lied saying she felt nothing. But since Sara knew her well, she knew what each twitch meant. While sitting in the hospital trying to get iron in her blood, Tegan remained motionless while Stacy and Sara spoke. Sara eyed her each few seconds, but the younger woman was frozen.

Tegan was back on her anxiety medication, which could explain the sudden changes. Were they still going to get married? Sara asked herself multiple times each day as she watched her fiancée from the corner of her eyes. She still planned and arranged with Sonia, though. It was hard at first, but finally they were able to speak with more intonation in their voices other than the frosty, formal language they used.

But Tegan recoiled for reasons Sara was not aware of. It was that embarrassment and shame that flew like a river inside her body. She had never felt as exposed, as repulsive, as unmasked. She had never felt loved as much. It was not only overwhelming, but it was insanely terrifying that someone loved her to such an extent they were willing to look at the atrocious aspects of her insides and outsides, willing to look at her when she was at her worst, willing to accept the humiliation she put herself in, willing to give up dreams and hopes for her, willing to reveal themselves, to say yes, to say no, willing to let her bleed on them, to let cry and scream and claw with her tiny nails at their skin. How could somebody love that way? How did Sara love that way? She loved Sara so much, but after that event in the bathroom, Tegan had come to the conclusion that Sara loved her more, way more. She loved no one more than Sara, it was true, but Sara's love exceeded that in ways that were inhumane, impossible, not even quite real. And the more she thought about it, the more she loved Sara, the less she could express it.

Therefore Tegan hid herself, her emotions, her body, her feelings. Talk was necessary but she could not bring herself to do it, not when she felt ashamed of the tantrum she had thrown that night. She felt that Sara had seen too much of her, it was not a good feeling, but it was also the feeling Sara had probably felt each time she cried out of pain and misery, each time she bled, each time she exposed another part of her. Now Tegan could finally understand it, could finally see it, could, unfortunately, know it and feel it. It was the worst feeling and nothing could top it. God, she loved Sara. How did they end up together? How ironic was life? That woman had entered her life with a slam of a door, scared the shit out of her with shouts and terrible attitude, now that woman was about to be her wife, that woman was everything to her now. It was fate, definitely. Her life had painted a twisted path she had to go through to reach this point. She found herself smiling as she thought of the events that had taken place since she was a teenager till that moment her lover cleaned the apartment alone.

She spent most of her time in her room writing. It was rather refreshing that she had found the time to write freely. She was called by the school she wanted to teach at. She had passed the interview and was supposed to give a demo class. When she left home to give that class, Sara did not question where she was going. Sara was giving her the ultimate space, and surprisingly, she despised nothing more than Sara not interfering each second. That was not the only thing she hid from Sara. She was not taking her anxiety pills; she was still taking the fertility ones without the knowledge of her lover. She was going to tell Sara about it, she didn't know when or how. Sara said no to having kids, but it's not Sara who decided. She had a saying after all, and she wanted it. It scared her, she hated it, but she wanted it. They went through everything, they planned, they called, her entire body started to change slowly; a moment's breakdown was not going to make her throw everything away. She was preparing everything, even her mind, to receive that child within months.

It was just a week after the breakdown when she heard Sara crying on the phone. She woke up late because she spent the nights watching series and eating junk food despite the healthy diet she and Sara were following nowadays in order to cleanse their bodies and minds of poisonous substances—that's what Sara said. She woke up at 1:00 PM. Sara was crying on the couch, she looked at her from the corridor, tried not to be noticed.

Her defensive instincts rose when Sara pronounced the word 'mum'. She wanted to go there and take that phone, yell at the woman and comfort Sara. However, she did not rush, she listened to the quiet sobs, tried to understand the silent misery.

"I don't know," Sara kept saying. "I just don't feel okay. I just feel like talking to you." Tegan wished she could hear the voice at the end of the line. "Mum, I don't know. I'm begging you not to ask, because if I knew I would say it, I wouldn't be calling, I wouldn't be crying. I don't know."

"No, mum, no." Sara cried more. "You don't have to come. I don't want you to come. Please, don't…don't come here, please."

"I just don't know how to explain it to you," Sara said. "Sometimes I just need to cry it out and be comforted. I know that…I know that it's not something common between you and I anymore. I know that I pushed it and pushed you away. I know that things are not good between us. I still…I still feel terrible grief remembering the words you said when you stayed with me after losing Alice, I still dream about them, I still look at you as a monster sometimes…I still wish you hadn't said these words and I still wish I hadn't let you in again but I…I can't not let you in."

"I don't know why you say these words, I don't know." Sara chuckled through her tears. "Sometimes I wonder if I am a lot like you. I hurt the people I love, I push them, I demand from them, I love to control them. What is it, what is it that makes me so attached to you? Why do I need you? Why do I always need you? I lie to you, I say I don't but I need you at times. Like now. I need you now. I need to cry on your lap because nobody can make me feel better but you. No hand can wash it away but yours. Isn't it funny? You can make it better and worse."

Tegan decided to tell her. It was time to tell her. After that phone call, she was going to tell her.

"I don't hate you, mother. I don't." Sara fell quiet. She closed her eyes and breathed in and out. "Yeah, I hate what happened but I don't hate you. Sometimes I feel sorry for you. Sometimes I wish to understand you, but the more I think about it, I start to understand myself through you." Then Sara laughed at something her mother had said. "Yeah, yeah it's true. I wish you had divorced him." Sara laughed again. "Yeah, I guess I am a bit stronger. I mean, I learned from that. I guess I learned. I was always afraid I would end up like…like you. Or be in such a relationship, so I guess I always pushed away when I felt it getting too much until I fell in the Jack trap." She sighed deeply. "But now I made someone else fall, mum. I made someone fall in mine and I feel…I don't know how I feel."

No. She had to know. She had to find out. They had to talk it out.

"Yes," Sara said. "It's a woman."

"Yes, I love her. I loved her for years. Remember how badly I cried each night? It was her, all her." Sara laughed again. "You knew all along so why did you say these words to me when you came here?" Sara hummed, shaking her head. "Fool me, mother. You need to get rid of his ghost." Sara shook her head to herself again. "I don't want to open up more because I still can't trust you. I'm still not sure if I tell you too much I'll hear something that could crush me one day." Sara had stopped crying. "But talking to you is a relief, and I appreciate you listening and not stabbing me with your words. Thank you."

Tegan walked in as soon as Sara said her goodbye to her mother. She sat on the couch with a deadpan face, not sure how to start, or where to start and what to say.

"Hi." Smiled Sara, wiping more of her tears and sniffling. "Did you…uh…hear that?"

"Yes."

Sara stood up. "Let's go to the kitchen. Let's eat something. I've been waiting for you to get up. Then we can do some yoga." Sara dismissed the topic, and that bothered Tegan.

She could have told her to sit down, she could have called her name and talked to her but she chickened out. It felt as if some small insect was biting onto her tongue, or a rope, yes a rope held it and she couldn't speak.

"Tomorrow's your birthday," Sara said to her while they ate grilled cheese sandwiches and drank coffee. "Excited?"

She chuckled, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, come on. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said quietly. "I mean I don't really care much about birthdays."

"It's the first birthday you're spending with me, you should be excited." Despite letting these words out, Sara feared that they were not true. If Tegan had heard the conversation between her and her mother, why didn't she say anything about it? God, how she hated when her lover sought refuge in silence.

"Are you planning something special for me?" Tegan finally smiled. At one point throughout the week Sara thought she would never see that smile again. She had dreaded the sudden departure. Whenever Tegan left the apartment, Sara thought she would not be coming back again.

"I might be, yes." Sara grinned cheerfully. "Can you guess?"

Tegan pretended to think. "Probably a drawing. I don't know, it's hard actually to predict. You're unpredictable." Sara laughed as relief sat in her gut. She had prepared many surprises and she was glad a drawing was none of them.

"I'm glad you think that." Sara got up. "Ready for yoga? Go change. I'll make us some detox water." Their daily routine started after the breakdown. Sara woke her up the next morning and made her do some yoga. Tegan admitted it helped making her relax. The next day, Tegan asked for it again. So Sara had made a schedule of food and drinks and exercises. She had followed it for an entire year till Tegan moved in, and after that she neglected it. She knew it was about time she went back to the healthy lifestyle she was starting when she began to feel irritated and stressed out with everything around her.

After yoga, each took her turn to shower. Tegan took thirty minutes while Sara only ten minutes. Sara had forgotten to take any clothes with her to the bathroom, so when she left to the bedroom, she hoped Tegan wouldn't be too uncomfortable if she dressed herself there. Tegan was on her computer, she did not look at her at all. It upset her.

"Sara?" said the younger woman before Sara left the room again.

Sara turned around, her towel in her hands. "Yes, dear?"

"I need to talk to you." Sara nodded. Her mind and her heart both predicted what her lover wanted to talk about. She swallowed the growing lump in her throat, knowing that Tegan's decision of departure was definitely inevitable and it was bound to happen a week before, now, or a week from now. It was rather obvious, Tegan did not even ask about their house anymore.

"Okay," Sara said. "I just need to throw this in the hamper first."

She remembered that Tegan had not taken her meds yet, so she took them to her on her way back. Just because Tegan was going to leave her, it didn't mean she wasn't supposed to care about her health anymore. She was in for a long night; her tears were being cooked inside her lids, soon to come out as soon as Tegan dropped the big bomb.

Tegan smiled when she saw her enter the room again. She sat on the bed and handed her the pills she had to take every day. Tegan only took her vitamins and left the anxiety pill on the nightstand. Sara's eyes were expecting, waiting, searching. Tegan opened her nightstand's drawer, moved the book she had put there and revealed the pills she had not swallowed all stashed underneath it.

"What's this?"

"I haven't been taking them. I lied to you. I…I couldn't do it."

"What are those? What are you talking about?" She liked to play dumb in some situations and that was one of them. She knew what these pills were, she began to have hope that Tegan was not leaving; therefore, she played dumb, afraid her happiness would show up on her face.

"Sara, I don't know how to start. I've been super quiet the past week because I've been embarrassed. I've been ashamed. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened that night."

"Okay." Sara took a deep breath, held her lover's hand and looked at her reassuringly. "Just talk. Whatever you want, just say it. I'll be listening. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing at all. No need for shame, Tegan. Take a deep breath and talk."

"It was just a panic attack. I was upset. I was in pain. I don't know what happened. It was a panic attack and I couldn't handle it."

"I know," Sara said. Her thumb was rubbing the soft hands of her lover, her lips wished to kiss the pouty lips.

"I don't want us to stop having a kid," Tegan whispered.

"Tegan," Sara started.

"Just let me talk, please?" Sara nodded. "My body is ready. We are both ready for it. I am scared and I am not sure if I can handle it but I am ready. I don't want to stop it. What happened was just a panic attack and it wasn't about that, it was about everything. It's just all new to me. And it's wonderful. It's wonderful that I am with someone I love, going to live with her, have a nice house with her, and have a kid with her. It's all wonderful. I just didn't know how to react. It was a shitty week. I was lost, I felt lost, I felt small. And it's not about a promise I gave to you or whatever, I actually thought about it and I want it. I might even regret it if I say no."

"Why regret it? For me? You think I might die and you have nothing to remind you of me?" Tegan did not answer. They both looked down at their laps in clear exasperation. "Is that it?"

"How do you know?"

"When I tell you I know you too well, I'm not lying to you."

"I don't want to regret anything," Tegan mumbled.

"But that does not mean you want a kid right now. It does not mean you're ready. It only means you don't want to live with regret and guilt if I happen to die without you giving me what I want."

"And so what if it was that? Don't I get to choose, too? It scares me each time I think of it, Sara. It scares me knowing I can just lose you one day." Sara laughed. "Why are you laughing? Death is not funny."

"No, it's not." Sara laughed again. "I don't think I loved someone as much as I love you."

"I know that." Tegan laughed, too. "I am sure of that, actually. You love me to an extent that frightens me."

Sara looked at her face for mere seconds, wishing she could kiss each inch, wishing she could touch it and feel it. Her love flew out of her like a plant covering dirt with its green leaves.

"And I do love you, too," Tegan uttered. "And I want that. I do want it. We'll help each other. I don't want you to think I feel controlled and caged. I feel that at times but I guess every woman feels that way. I know that Stacy feels that way. I asked her. I asked Emy, too."

"You asked Stacy?"

"Yes," Tegan said. "She said she feels like she's not in control of her body even after leaving her husband. Emy said the same thing and you said the same thing. I don't know why we feel this way but I don't want to feel it. I want to have a kid with you, now or later, I want it, so I choose now."

"Are you sure?" Sara was dreading these decisions. Tegan's mind was like a sponge ready to absorb whatever around it, bound to change with the seasons, her decisions were not well-studied; and she did not want to have any effect on her decisions anymore. That was not fair at all.

"One hundred percent sure."

Sara leaned in to kiss her, but it felt strange, almost close to a new feeling. They had not touched for days, had not kissed for days. The kiss was slow but passionate enough to elicit a moan from the older woman, which made the younger one blush deeply after their lips detached. They felt young, like kids sharing their first kiss, hiding in the basement, doing what they should not do. It reminded her of those kisses she shared with Stacy when they were twelve, under the covers of her blanket; in a cold, dark house, the sound of the rain strong in the background of her beating chest. She had the urge to touch her lover, the fervor to explore her body as if she had not seen it. Oh, when did she feel that way last? Years ago. Back when she felt the red, flaming need when she had first seen her in her classroom. When they spoke after class, when the love sparked in her heart and made her draw poems of love and adoration—back then she had felt this heat throbbing in the leaves of her soul, diverging in different directions, reaching the farthest places inside her body.

Her hand brushed the hem of Tegan's shirt slightly but the younger woman surprised her with a flinch. She drew her hand close to her body and looked in the watering eyes of her lover. Tegan's face was deep red.

"What is it?" she whispered carefully.

"I don't want to," Tegan whispered back.

"It's okay," she said louder. She smiled—her heart full, her mind relaxed. She lay down on the bed beside her lover. "Happy birthday, my love. I'm so happy I am with you."

"Thank you," said Tegan, looking at her as she remained seated.

They woke up early the next morning. Tegan huffed in irritation while she sat on the toilet, remembering she had to get iron in her body and she hated nothing more than that long process. At least only two sessions were left. Sara knocked on the door a couple of times but she was too drowsy to answer. Everything seemed a bit slow that morning. She had no idea why her lover woke her up this early. They usually went to the hospital in the afternoons, and she had not woken up this early since she started her summer break. She yawned while washing her haggard face. She thought her hair was getting messy again; it needed to be tamed. She left the bathroom scratching her head and Sara entered right after her. She was in a hurry. Tegan fell on the mattress face first and closed her eyes. She didn't know how much time she had spent in that position until Sara dragged her feet in order to wake her up.

"Wake up, wake up," Sara said.

"Noooo."

"It's your birthday."

"And that's why I should sleep."

"No," Sara said. "Get up. We have to go. Come on." She turned around only to be met with Sara's face hovering over her. When Sara kissed her, she felt the heat of ignominy filling her up. She kissed back quickly and stood up, not giving Sara a chance to be in contact with her. She grabbed her clothes and went to the bathroom. When she left, Sara was half ready. Sara ran to the bathroom to fix her hair and makeup. She watched with a scowl on her face as she stood at the door. Sara looked handsome, quite masculine. Her white pants were tight; her jean jacket covered the swell of her breasts that her grey top accentuated. Her hair was tied up in a high bun, which made her jaw seem sharper than ever. Her features were strong and alluring. She had never looked as androgynous, which, compared to Tegan now, she seemed as she was the masculine one in the relationship. Tegan had always been the _'masculine'_ one, but Sara had won the title that morning.

"You look like you escaped a boy band." Sara threw her head back in laughter. "I'm serious."

"Okay. I'm not offended." Sara was still smiling. It seemed genuine.

"I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating."

"Alright, babe." Sara left the bathroom and Tegan followed. "Nice observation. Now let's go."

In the car, Tegan toyed with the radio till she found her favorite station. Sara's head began to throb from the repetitive music her lover liked to hear. The traffic jam was one of the worst.

Suddenly, Tegan stated with abrupt loudness, "But you look like the man in the relationship now."

"What?" Sara looked at her frowning girlfriend.

"I'm used to looking like the man and you the feminine one."

"Tegan." Eyes on the road, Sara chuckled. "Since when?"

"I don't know. I don't want people to look at us and think I'm the bottom and I'm the girly girl."

Sara guffawed, lowering the volume. "You are the bottom." She winked.

Tegan whined in protest, "People don't have to know."

"You can't possibly think that people think of you as a top. You're so little," Sara teased. "Plus, I'm the professor."

"No," Tegan refused.

"You're cute."

"Shut up."

"You're adorable."

"Sara," Tegan groaned.

"Babe, there is no man and no woman in a lesbian relationship. We're both women. I just felt like I want to wear this outfit this morning, and, somehow, you chose a red shirt." She looked at her own shirt on her lover's body. She used to despise that shirt, had not worn it since her mother gave it to her a year ago for Christmas. It was strange that Tegan had picked it out of all the clothes to wear.

"It seemed cozy," Tegan mumbled. "I love you in dresses more."

"But don't I turn you on in this outfit?" Tegan fell silent. Her rosy cheeks gave Sara the answer. "I dooooo," Sara sang. Tegan did not answer.

Something was wrong, Sara noticed it. Whenever she sought the sexual route, Tegan blushed and fell silent. It had been bothering her for the past week and the night before she did not get to ask Tegan about it when the younger woman refused to have sex with her.

Tegan raised the volume of the Justin Bieber song as she did each day when the song appeared on the radio. At first, Sara thought Tegan loved the song, but when Sara focused on the lyrics, she felt paranoid that Tegan had been trying to deliver a message.

 _"My mama don't like you and she likes everyone,_

 _And I never like to admit that I was wrong."_

That part in particular made her mind scribble a plot inside her head. "So," she decided to ask, "you like the Biebs?"

Tegan looked at her then rolled her eyes. It was not quite clear, but Sara could see it well.

 _"'Cause if you like the way you look that much,_

 _Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself."_

"Umm, no?" Tegan finally answered. "I just like the song."

 _"And when you told me that you hated my friends,_

 _The only problem was with you and not them."_

"Somehow it feels like you're shading me through this song." Even though she was smiling, Sara still felt restless, wanting to know if her mind was accurate in its prediction.

Tegan turned off the radio and sighed. "That's because you feel like the song applies to you, because you have low self-esteem issues."

Sara parked the car and nodded. "So you are shading me."

"Yes, I was, the entire week."

"Thanks for admitting it," Sara said.

"You can't even read sarcasm." Tegan laughed. "Now, why would I shade you? Fuck, Sara. Chill."

Sara's anxious head could not rest a second. She felt defeated at times and that was one of them. Attire or behaviors did not mean she was in control of her feelings. A crushed fly trying to escape the window closed on its tail. A bent arrow stepped on by the sniper himself. The monster of Frankenstein full of crushed hopes and dead dreams.

In the hospital, while Tegan rested on the bed and Sara looked around, Stacy appeared to say hi. She wished Tegan a happy birthday and asked about her health.

"Ella has something special for you when she sees you," Stacy said.

"Oh, thank you." Stacy nodded, fixing the tube attached to Tegan's hand.

"They can't do anything good in this section," the nurse said exasperatingly.

"You seem rather tense today," Sara commented.

"Yeah." Stacy sighed. She was fixing the pillow Tegan was using now. Tegan wished she would leave her alone. "They moved me back to the Gynecology section," she mumbled.

"Oh," Sara said quietly. Tegan looked at both of them.

"I was feeling better in the child care department. Now I'm back to that shit place, having to see ugly bloody vaginas and naked women all day long." Tegan's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, Sara."

"It's okay."

"You're different."

Tegan felt uncomfortable.

"I get it. I wouldn't wanna be in that section, too."

"It brings back bad memories," Stacy whispered. Sara shrugged. "I'm glad you're healthy now. You have no idea."

Tegan preferred silence over indulging in the conversation. Her mind wandered back to the week before in the bathroom. She felt as if she needed to vomit just remembering the scene that Sara had to put up with. She felt ashamed.

She remained silent in the car as Sara drove aimlessly, or that's how it felt, until they arrived the neighborhood she was very familiar with. The vast areas full of large trees were just the regular route they took each time they visited their new place. She looked at Sara with a curious smile, waiting for an explanation.

"Why are we here?"

Sara had winked without giving her an answer before she left the car. She got out, too. Her eyes were searching and her steps were careful, knowledge starting to make its way inside her head.

They had three entrances to the house: the main led to the vast living room, the second door was in the kitchen, and the third one was in the back of the house, the door was in the large corridor between the kitchen, dining room, and living room; it led to the backyard. And therefore, Sara led her to the backyard.

First reaction was a gasp, it felt like melody in Sara's ears to hear the excitement in Tegan's voice and watch it on her face. Tegan squealed and jumped, it made Sara's face hot. The barbecue set Sara had told her about was all ready and it looked fucking amazing. Tegan discovered Sara's surprise.

"Oh my God, oh my God." Tegan covered her mouth and looked at the pretty white roses in the garden. Sara had spent the previous week picking and choosing what to grow in their small green area.

"Wait a minute; you haven't seen a thing yet." Sara laughed when Tegan hugged her. "The entire house is ready," she whispered, looking at the fiery eyes that she adored. "I wanted it to be a surprise for your birthday." Tegan kissed her and cried. It was genuine, beautiful, and lovely. It was all she wanted to see.

When they went inside, Tegan cried more. It relished Sara to witness these happy tears. It meant that her lover indeed wanted to share a house with her, to commence a new life with her. They both paid for this new house and they were going to live in it as a married couple. Tegan wanted to have kids with her, too. She started to cry as well when they entered their bedroom. It was big and it was furnished exactly like Tegan had wanted it. Tegan threw herself on the king-size bed. The room was light purple and grey like she had asked. It was just perfect.

"I can't believe you did that. Everything like I wanted. All the colors like I wanted. I don't think I can stop crying." Tegan wiped her tears with a small chuckle, her butt jumped on the soft mattress she was sitting on like a little child. "Did you paint the house? It all looks so professional."

Sara sat beside her and, together, they jumped while sitting on the mattress. "Nope, that's why it looks professional. I got people to do it." Sara leaned in to kiss her.

"Fuck, how much did it cost you?" Tegan asked.

"Don't worry about it. It's my little surprise." Sara winked again.

The house was indeed beautiful. Tegan's favorite part was the little area upstairs they decided to make their _chilling_ room; she had told Sara when they were attempting to paint it before. It was a cozy place and the large French windows made it seem rather movie-like. In winters Tegan would watch the raindrops falling, her kid would put his palms on the windows and she would become irritated because she would have just cleaned them. She looked at Sara, wondering if she wanted a girl or a boy. She wanted a boy, she felt like she would love to have a little boy that looked like Adam. Adam was handsome; she wanted her kid to be handsome when he grew up.

They decided to furnish their home with dark furniture a few months ago when they had purchased the house. Sara told her children were messy and she wouldn't want their furniture to be ruined easily; therefore, most of it was grey or navy blue. Tegan didn't mind, she loved these colors.

She worried that Sara might be spending a bit too much; she was a spendthrift even though she liked to deny it. Sara bought and bought without thinking, then accused Tegan of having too many clothes or pairs of shoes without using them. Sara kept food in the fridge that had expired without using it once. She also had clothes in the closet with the price tag still attached to them. Not to mention the crazy obsession with kitchenware, glassware, and house utensils that Tegan could not comprehend.

"Are you happy?" Sara asked her.

Tegan nodded before turning her face away from the window. "You have no idea."

"I am delighted. I don't ever want to see you anguished. I don't want to see your sad tears, Tegan. Never."

"Last week was one of the worst I've had in months." Tegan walked up to her lover. "I felt overwhelmed. Two years ago at this time I was in a state of destruction because of you and now I am in a state of immense happiness, also because of you."

"I'm sorry for each time I made you cry and each time I am going to make you cry in the future."

Tegan laughed. "So you are going to make me cry?"

"I am a bothersome company, so, who knows." Sara winked a third time.

"Sara, I want to tell you something."

"Yes, dear?"

"Let's sit down," Tegan said hesitantly.

They sat down on the grey couch, faced the switched off flat-screen TV. Tegan took a deep breath then smiled. "Sare, I kinda found a job."

"Really?" Sara's eyes widened in surprise. "That's amazing."

"Really?" It was shocking; Sara seemed happy for her.

"Well, isn't it? Fresh graduates never find jobs easily. Is it a bad job?"

"No, it's ummm teaching…in a high school."

"Honey!" Sara gaped at her. "That's perfect. I am happy for you. That's such a great start." Tegan felt startled with the reaction she had not expected. Sara was supposed to be angry, to scream, to stay silent, or to rant about the baby they were supposed to have. Why didn't Sara do all that? "Why are you not happy?"

"No, I am. I just thought you would mind."

"Why would I mind?" Sara said softly.

"Because we want to have a baby."

"Yes?"

"And wouldn't that interfere?"

"Of course not," Sara mumbled. "I am not like that, Tegan. This is your life and you live it the way you want to. Even if I minded, why would you listen to me? I'm not your guardian; I'm just a wife, a partner." Sara shrugged.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"You can work and be a mother. Plus, you're not pregnant yet. It takes time to have a baby. I wouldn't want you to stay at home locked up while I go to work and live my life. We're not that kind of a family."

"I'm sorry," Tegan said with frowning, pouty lips.

"No, I'm sorry." A crooked smile appeared on the professor's face. "I made you feel this way. You have every right to think like that about me." Tegan didn't say anything back. Yes, Sara had made her feel this way.

They spent more time in the house, talking about moving their things this week before they tied the knot in only five days. Tegan's family was going to arrive to witness her graduation, which was also in five days. She and Sara had decided to go to the courthouse right after the ceremony, Stacy and Emy were going to be their witnesses, they would sign the certificate and meet up with Tegan's family for a quiet dinner afterwards. That's what Sara had arranged for them. Tegan did not tell her parents she was getting married that day. She thought she would tell them when she met them after the _wedding_.

Sara looked at her phone and told Tegan they had to leave. It was still early in the afternoon. They had nothing to do but Tegan didn't say anything. When they got in the car, Sara leaned in and kissed her. It took her by surprise how lusty and passionate the kiss felt. Sara was feeling heated, Tegan could tell.

"Surprriiiiissssssssssssse!" everybody screamed as soon as Sara opened the door of their apartment. Tegan shrieked loudly in fear, jumping in Sara's arms for a second until her mind began to absorb the reality of the situation. All her friends laughed, Sara laughed, Stacy laughed. Except her. She did not laugh. Her face was red and frightened. She needed to pee urgently.

"Fuck you guys, oh my God." She eyed the laughing faces one after the other. Her friend Jeremy was the loudest. His face was cherry red and his laughter was obnoxious. However, what caught her attention more was his girlfriend by his side. She couldn't believe Sara had done all of this for her. She'd invited the man she hated and his girlfriend. She had also invited Emy, who was not laughing anymore, but her face was the one most flushed because her pale skin easily and quickly turned into the brightest shades of red with different types of emotions. Stacy and her daughter were there. Ella seemed as confused, scared, and stunned as her. She held onto her mother's legs with a frowning face. "I'm gonna wet my pants, shit." She ran to the bathroom with Sara's laughter echoing behind her.

"That was fucking hilarious," Sara said as soon as she left the bathroom, her face was wet and still red.

"That was not," she said in a whiny tone. "That was scary. I never thought you'd do that for me." They were speaking in a hushed tone so their guests wouldn't hear them.

"Did you like it?"

"Yes. Nobody had ever surprised me like that. You're gonna spoil me."

"I love spoiling you." Sara kissed her quickly. "You are my little spoiled kitten."

"Shut up." Tegan slapped her arm playfully. "You invited Jeremy and his girlfriend." Sara nodded with a smile. "Thank you."

"I don't want your friends to be my enemies. I don't want my friends to be your enemies."

"That's wise of you. I respect it and appreciate it." A sudden smirk appeared on Tegan's face. She tsked, making her lover confused. "Now I know why you're dressed like that." Sara's face suddenly became as red as her lover's. "To show Jeremy that you can be the man, you can take care of me, you're in charge." Tegan laughed, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Look, it was not intentional." Tegan rolled her eyes jokingly. "It's just something in me. Some type of sick possessiveness…" Sara gasped when her lover cupped her between her legs, interrupting her speech.

"I knew it," Tegan said loudly, feeling the toy she had strapped around her waist all morning. Her laughter was loud enough for the people sitting in the living room to hear. "Honey, that's not possessiveness. That's low self-esteem. No wonder you thought I was shading you." Tegan tsked again. "You're not getting anything tonight." Tegan flipped her hair and, simply, walked away to the living room.

Though Sara felt embarrassed and quite defeated, the birthday was going well. It was fun. Jeremy's girlfriend was not half as bad as she had thought she would be. She majored in law, was working in a good company, and was also bisexual. Hearing this, both Sara and Tegan gasped. Poor Jeremy, Sara thought, he had a thing for girls who liked girls.

The strangely irritating attitude her best friend and Tegan's best friend showed towards each other was beginning to make her question things. First it was funny to watch Stacy glaring at Emy and Emy being vocally rude to Stacy. They scowled at each other and sat as far apart as they could, which made them face each other.

Opening the presents started out sweet and ended in awkwardness. She gave Tegan a small notebook to write in. It had a beautiful velvety maroon cover with black patterns.

"You gave me too many gifts today," Tegan said in awe.

"Oh, these are nothing," Sara said. "But I'm expecting you to top all this on my birthday." Everybody in the room laughed when Sara winked at blushing Tegan.

Jeremy and Denise both got Tegan a collection of CDs of some bands she loved listening to. Sara almost rolled her eyes because that meant another one of those music days that she had to leave the house because of; she could not tolerate anything Tegan liked to listen to.

Emy got her the complete Gilmore Girls collection that she had been moaning about without a stop for the past month. Since she had known a new season was coming up at the end of the year, she couldn't shut up about wanting to rewatch the entire series. Sara had no idea what that was and was sure it was as awful as her taste in music.

Stacy got her a book titled _"How to Get Your Wife to Shut Up in Five Seconds."_

"Oh my God. That would come in handy like probably after you guys leave." Sara glared at Stacy, so did Emy.

"That's probably a very sexist book written by a sexist heterosexual male. You're not gonna need it," Emy commented. Stacy pretended like she hadn't heard her.

"It's not much. I just thought it's a bit funny," Stacy said. "I honestly didn't know what to get you. But, maybe you'll like Ella's gift better?"

Ella told Tegan happy birthday and kissed her cheek. When she noticed everyone smiling and whispering about how cute she was, she buried her face in Sara's lap to hide from the unfamiliar faces. Sara picked her and hugged her.

Tegan found a big stuffed sunflower in the gift box. Stacy's font was on a small card in the box. Tegan read it loudly:

 _You have sunny eyes and I love them._

 _Happy birthday, Tegum._

 _From Ella_

"Aww, that's so sweet." Tegan kissed Ella's forehead. Ella patted the sunflower gently and it started singing a kid's version of "You Are My Sunshine," making both Emy and Sara laugh loudly and rudely. Tegan blushed in discomfort.

"Looks like somebody hasn't watched _The L Word,"_ Emy remarked. "Well, I hope this doesn't Jinx you, Dana Fairbanks," she said to Tegan, who shot her a quick glare. Sara could not understand why Emy was acting that way. Had she always been that rude? That angry? That mean? Ella started to cry.

"No, no, honey. Why are you crying?" Tegan kissed her forehead again. "I love this so much. You have no idea. This is my favorite one so far." Sara felt mean for laughing. Stacy seemed lost and upset with the reactions she received. Jeremy and Denise seemed annoyed with the childish behavior they just witnessed. Sara wished she hadn't laughed. How would Ella know that this little thing was connected to the death of a character in a lesbian show? And how would Stacy know? She had never seen that show.

At least the cake Stacy had baked was delicious, even Emy didn't throw a rude comment and ate all of her slice. Or perhaps she did not want to increase the tension between her and Stacy.

When everyone left, Sara received a text from Stacy:

 _I can't stop crying and I haven't cried for awhile. A woman I don't even know made me cry. Actually, a girl a decade younger than me made me cry. I think your wife has made me look like a monster in front of her friends. I am not a monster. I don't want to be near these people again. I don't want to be near that woman again._

"Oh God," Tegan said when she read the text. "I feel terrible. I swear I don't know why Emy's acting this way towards her. I never brought her up in any conversation. Only two years ago, but that was it. I actually talked shit about Stacy to Jeremy only, not to Emy." Tegan shook her head and threw her tired body on the mattress.

"I'll talk to her about it later." Sara took off her shoes and jacket. "And you try figuring out why Emy's acting this way." She yawned and stretched before she threw herself on top of Tegan.

"And what do you think you're doing?" Tegan poked her nose with the tip of her index.

"Making your birthday end with another surprise," Sara muttered huskily. She felt aroused; she needed to touch Tegan and to be touched by her.

"I don't want to," Tegan said slowly, biting her lower lip.

Taken aback, Sara rose up and sat on the mattress, trying to connect some dots together. "How come? I remember these pills used to make me want to fuck for an entire day."

Tegan did not give her any answer.

"Wait a minute. There's something wrong." Her eyes were fixed on Tegan's, analyzing what these two hazel orbs were concealing in there. They were actually sunny, very light, very transparent. "Tegan, can you tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"No, it's not nothing. You don't even let me see you naked. You're locking the door of the bathroom now. There is something going on."

"I'm just embarrassed." Tegan turned around; her face was almost harbored in her pillow as she slept on her side.

Sara lay down beside her and looked at her face. "Embarrassed?" Sara laughed. "Are you serious?" Tegan did not answer, she covered her face more. "Of what?" No answer. "Talk to me. I'm almost your wife."

"Last week," she mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Last week," she said louder.

"What about it?"

"When you…" She groaned then turned around on her back again. "In the bathroom, Sara. I can't believe I let you take the tampon out of me and see me just bleed like that on your thighs. I saw how repulsed you were as you tried to wash my disgusting insides off your skin. I almost puke each day remembering it. So I don't want you to see me naked and remember that awful scene, you'll probably get turned off immediately, and I feel like I showed too much. I don't know what had gotten into me. I know we're almost married but some stuff you just don't fucking show to your partner, you know."

It was reasonable, it was logical, and Sara understood why her lover felt this way. Before her own memories haunted her brain, she decided to pause them. She felt too happy to crush herself with a past full of wounds left uncovered.

"If I don't accept you in your best and in your worst that means I'm not ready to be your wife and spend my life with you. When I bled right here in this spot after we had sex, you did not have any reaction and offered help, after that you had sex normally with me despite my fear that you would be repulsed seeing my vagina ever again. I know how you feel but trust me that's not how it is for me. I know pulling a tampon was the craziest thing you could imagine but some people pull their children out of their partners' vaginas." Tegan laughed. "And I'm ready to do that, too. And when you heal, I'll just normally fuck that same vagina."

"Wow. In case I was turned on before, I'm not anymore."

Sara laughed. "I'm just saying that you don't need to be embarrassed and hide. I'm not that type of person who wants to see the doll of you twenty-four hours. I love you even when your heavy flow is literally dripping on my thighs."

"No, don't say that." Tegan covered her face with the pillow once again. "I'm not gonna be that messy again. I hope I won't."

"You can be as messy as you want, as long as you're happy. You can bleed, you can pee, vomit and even shit on me if you'd like." Tegan's hand slapped her thigh in protest of the words she was uttering. "You get the point."

They spent the next five days moving their stuff to the new house. The graduation was on a Monday. They moved to the house on Saturday, the same day Adam had arrived. He was somehow more handsome in person, Tegan couldn't believe her eyes. She wondered if the infamous Audrey looked like that. Sara told her she didn't. Adam was a quiet man, but had some humor and was obsessed with books. In a way, he felt like the male version of her wife-to-be. It was not so bad, but Tegan hoped he did not have the bad traits of self-consciousness, possessiveness, and paranoia her lover had; since these genes were already quite strong in her own DNA.

They did not have sex during these five days. They were exhausted and stressed out. They did not have time. However, she did undress in front of Sara again. Sara pretended not to be looking, but she was aware that Sara's squinting lids were focused on her bare skin. She also hoped that gene that made Sara think of sex twenty-four hours a day was not strong in Adam, because she wouldn't want to have a sex-crazed kid. The thought alone made her laugh as she waited for her parents in the airport on Sunday.

Her mother and father hugged her, then her brother did. She did not know he was coming along with them. He did not bring his fiancée. They all hugged Sara, who was blushing furiously because it was her first time meeting Ted and Stephen, who were nicer than Tegan had thought. Sara was dressed in her best suit in order to impress the mother in law, who did not say much to her. Sonia spent the entire day talking to Tegan as Sara got to know the other two who came along.

"Are you still taking these fertility pills?" Sonia asked Tegan. She had not paid attention to the house, had not commented on it, had not said any word. She was only concerned about her daughter's health.

"Yes. We're actually going to try very soon." She was going to start ovulating within the next week.

"Yeah, you look bloated. Your breasts are larger; your face is rounder as well. You seem healthier."

"Yeah, they make me eat crazily."

They ate dinner and complimented Sara for her cooking skills. Sara was proud and happy. She clicked with Stephen and Ted more than Sonia, even though she had already planned a surprise for Tegan with Sonia. She wanted to take Tegan on a honeymoon. Sonia had asked her about her plans. Her budget was very limited; they were supposed to stay in a beach house for a week. Sonia offered a present from her, Stephen and Ted; a trip to Tegan's dream vacation place: Italy. Sara refused taking the offer, but Sonia persisted, so Sara offered to pay for the accommodation and Tegan's family for the tickets. They were going to surprise Tegan in the wedding dinner.

The couple was insanely happy that night. They made out for awhile and were almost ready to have sex, but they both decided to save it for the next day. They had to wake up early in the morning.

Monday was full. First thing they did was visit the clinic to make sure Tegan was ready for insemination. They wanted to do it at home, with Sara's help. Dr. Anderson explained what they had to do and gave them the necessary tools for their process. After the doctor visit, they took Adam to the cryobank. Sara had to make sure to take some of the donated sperm with her on that trip. She had no idea if it could lose its affect or not. She wanted to try. She did not even think it would take from the first try. Tegan had told her that her family also suffered from fertility issues, specifically, her mother. Maybe luck wasn't on their side in that particular matter; however, since Tegan consented, she wanted to try.

They went home after to get ready for the graduation. Sara had to be there, too. She had to wear a graduation robe as well. Tegan did not know that the faculty members had to do that and had to do a special kind of public parade in front of the audience before the graduate class entered. It was ridiculous and funny to see Sara in her PhD robe, hiding under there a very charming white dress that she had purchased three days ago. It was endearing to see Sara making sure to wear white on their big day.

It was a short dress, in fact. It stopped right above her knees and exposed the paleness of her legs. It was quite feminine; it was sleeveless and it showed a modest amount of her cleavage. Still, she decided to go with a new pair of shiny, silver Oxfords. Tegan, however, decided to go with a white shirt, black trousers, white oxfords, and black suspenders. Sara's eyes were full of lust as she eyed her lover's curvaceous body.

All of Tegan's friends were present at the graduation along with her best friend, who despite saying she did not want to be in the same room as Emily, still managed to show up in her summer dress, newly-dyed dark hair, and her daughter as her best accessory. Sara could see how Emily's eyes were hardly ignoring her, but Stacy was ignoring the younger woman at the courthouse when they were signing the marriage certificates. Tegan had tried to know why Emy was acting rudely towards Stacy, but Emy did not have a reasonable answer other than the purpose of humoring herself with the conceited older woman, those were her words. However, that day, Emy behaved as Tegan had requested from her. She did not mouth any rude comment, nor stare in indignation.

Tegan and Sara exchanged vows quickly, both of their faces were heated and nervous, both of their stomachs were filled with butterflies. When they kissed, Stacy and Ella clapped. It was quick, it was simple, but it made Sara the happiest she had ever been.

What made her feel happier was Tegan's expression when she saw her family and friends in the restaurant she and Sara had their first date in, all dressed up nicely, all waiting for them, all with the knowledge of them being just married. Sara could tell Tegan felt a sting of shame for not telling her parents when they both hugged her, playfully remarking that she should have told them about the date instead of knowing from their _daughter in law_. The thought of that was as exciting as it was peculiar.

"I can't believe somehow you managed to get married before me," Ted said. "I honestly thought you'd never do it."

Tegan laughed, shrugging. "Sometimes you change your mind."

Adam was also at the dinner. He talked to Jeremy and Denise most of the time until Sonia inquired, "Is he the only family member you have around, Sara?"

"Uhh…I, actually he doesn't live here but I invited him because he means a lot to me."

"How come you have not invited your mother?" Stephen asked and Sara's face turned crimson. From the corner of her eyes, she saw Sonia's little glare. Tegan tried to distract her, but she could tell that Sonia knew about that awful relationship she had with her mother, or maybe had an idea.

"Babe, can you pass me the salt please?" Tegan asked right after Stephen's question.

Sara passed the salt, but decided to answer the old man, "My family does not support same sex marriage. Only my cousin does, and he's here." Sara smiled. "My mother is not quite tolerant. I mean, I had a rocky relationship with her and we're trying to fix it lately, but I don't think she would rejoice knowing I married a woman."

"Fair enough," Stephen said. "I never thought nor imagined my daughter would be with a woman, but right now I am more than happy to see her with a smart, beautiful woman like you. I wish you two all the best." Tegan squealed in her seat. She was adorable, she looked adorable; it made Sara happy.

When Sonia and Sara told Tegan about the surprise honeymoon, the younger woman's jaw almost dropped to the floor. Stacy took pictures and her friends laughed. Sara was caught by surprise when Tegan kissed her passionately in front of everyone on their table. Pictures were taken. To say that Sara had imagined living such a beautiful day just a year ago, it would be an obvious lie.

Some days, you see nothing but death. The black corners slowly circling your life, slowly closing in till you lose that one word constantly vibrating in people's tongues: hope. Sara's life had been a nightmare, had been hopeless, had been a crumbled white sheet on the side of the road, had been a burnt tree in the forest, had been nothing but ashes and waste. She had no idea how this tree began to grow again, how that paper was picked and recycled, how that hope was ignited, how she woke up from that nightmare. It was true that the only truthful fact about life was that it changes within moments, either to the better or to the worse; one can only find out if they waited.

At the end of the night, before taking their flight, Sara received a text message from Jack:

 _"Congratulations, pearly eyes._

 _I hope she gives you the happiness and love I was too much of a fool not to provide._

 _Best wishes,_

 _Jack."_

And that was the last surprise.


	20. Is Our Honeymoon over Yet?

The text message. That tricky, flirtatious, guilt-tripping text message. That God so awful of a text message. Sara did not give any fucks about that pathetic text message. She decided she would show it to her wife. Oh yeah, _her wife_. How beautiful did it sound in her brain! _Wife, wife, wifey. Cute, little, adorable wifey_. She wanted to ravish her right there in the airport. She wanted to fuck her very well. She had stashed her suitcase with the variety of sex toys. First thing she was going to do was throw her down on the floor and fuck the shit out of her, after all that's what honeymoons were about…right?

Back to the message:

 _"Congratulations, pearly eyes._

 _I hope she gives you the happiness and love I was too much of a fool not to provide._

 _Best wishes,_

 _Jack."_

"Pearly eyes," Tegan scoffed, almost with a foreign accent. "Well, at least he knows he's a fool."

Sara smiled. _My wife, everyone—_ if only she had a microphone to shout that in the airport. "What do you think?"

"What I think is that you…" Tegan cut herself off, taking Sara's phone from her hands. "…should give me that phone so I can put it away while we're on this vacation."

"Stacy would call to make sure we're safe."

"I'll let her know." Tegan put the smartphone in her backpack. "How did Jack even know you're getting married today?"

"Everyone knows, Tegan." Sara laughed. "I guess I have a motormouth around the university."

Tegan was not jealous. Well, a little bit, only because he called Sara _Pearly Eyes_ , and that's probably something he had already called her, which meant it had something to do with an inside joke or something private and personal between them. The audacity he had to send her this message on her wedding day was what made Tegan fume in her seat. However, her wife seemed unbothered.

"Tee," Sara whispered as they waited for their flight.

"Yes, babe."

"I'm very horny." Sara giggled when Tegan's hand slapped her arm. "You look so hot in this outfit. I wanna rip it off."

"Calm down. We have a long flight to Venice." Tegan rolled her eyes, but, deep down, she was rejoicing the feeling of being wanted. "We'll probably reach dead tired and sleep."

"And I'll fuck you when we wake up."

"Honeymoons aren't only for fucking," Tegan remarked. "I want to explore."

"Imagine I had a dick. I'd impregnate you with ten babies. I'm so fucking horny."

Tegan tsked as she turned her face to her side just in case someone heard her wife's sexual fantasies.

When they were on the flight, after Sara had taken her nap; had consumed her meal; had watched a movie, she yawned and said, "I'm so wet."

Tegan almost gasped. Her eyes went wide. She was thinking of sleep, of getting rid of her clothes, of taking a cold shower, of resting—but Sara was still thinking of sex five hours later. The fact they still had four hours to go on the flight made Tegan upset, but hearing Sara utter that made her even more upset because her lover was a sex addict.

"Did you take some Viagra or something?" Tegan asked. "You're being inappropriate."

"No," Sara whispered. "I don't fucking know. It's like my body is excited you're my wife. I swear my clit is gonna jump out of…" Sara cut herself off when Tegan hushed her. She looked at the middle row; a man was looking at them. "How did he hear? I'm whispering."

"Because we're in a plane and it's very quiet."

Two hours later, after Tegan's failed attempt of sleep, she had managed to rest her head on Sara's upper chest and listen to her heartbeat. If she was Sara, she would feel very uncomfortable wearing that dress. By now both of them had taken their shoes off and curled up together in their seats.

"Sare?" Tegan asked. The professor hummed. She had her earphones in; she was watching an episode of Friends after Tegan had convinced her to give the sitcom a try. It seemed that she was enjoying it. "Are you still turned on?"

Sara smirked. She looked down at her lover's tired face and winked. "I am."

"I haven't touched myself at all," Tegan said randomly. "I mean, since we had sex like a few weeks ago."

"I did. Only twice in the shower when you were kinda down."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"My breasts hurt. I want to take off my bra. I hate long flights," Tegan dismissed the topic.

Sara looked down at her breasts, so she looked down, too. They both should have changed before getting on the flight. They were too excited, they were super happy.

"You can go to the bathroom and take it off."

"Uh no," Tegan refused. "My shirt is kinda sheer."

"I think they hurt because of the hormones and stuff, not because of the bra."

"Well, yeah." Tegan yawned. "I just want to sleep."

"Two hours left. Try to bear them."

By the time they reached the hotel, Tegan could only see purple. She was exhausted, moody, and hungry. Thankfully it was nighttime. She wanted to sleep. She hoped Sara wasn't going to throw a sex party as soon as they went into their room. When they reached the room, she could not even look at how beautifully decorated it was because of her throbbing head. She fell on the mattress in her clothes.

"No, no, no," Sara said. "You have to pee, remember? You wanted to pee. You have to wash up before sleeping. Come on. Bathroom."

"Nooooo," Tegan whined while her wife helped her up and pushed her towards the bathroom. "My feet hurt, please."

Tegan sat on the toilet and yawned while Sara washed her face and hands.

"My head hurts," Tegan commented.

"My boobs hurt, my feet hurt, my head hurts, my vagina hurts—you're too whiny when you're sleepy."

"I didn't say my vagina hurts." Tegan glowered.

"But you usually use that excuse."

"Yeah, when you abuse it."

"How dare you." Sara faked a gasp. She wiggled her brows while looking at her lover. "It's so gonna hurt when we wake up."

"Shut up." Tegan yawned again as she fell on the mattress. She closed her eyes with her pants unbuttoned and half zipped, her suspenders lying beside her half buttoned shirt. Sara reached for her bra to unhook it, and when the younger woman mumbled something incoherent, Sara shushed her quietly with a kiss. Sara unhooked the tight material but left it on Tegan's body. Tegan had already gone to sleep, so Sara closed her eyes, too.

They woke up to Tegan's phone buzzing in the middle of the night. Sara jumped out of bed to search for it, when she couldn't find it, Tegan told her to search in the backpack she had placed by the door. It was Stacy. She had called more than twenty times.

"Talk about being annoying," Tegan said while Sara was assuring her friend that they were safe and fine. They were just asleep.

"It's like evening here."

"Well, it's 3:20 AM. in here." Sara yawned. She was still in her dress. She looked at Tegan who was barely awake.

"I was just worried, your phone's dead."

"Yeah." Sara yawned again. "I turned it off."

When Stacy finally hung up, Sara threw her head on the pillow with a loud sigh. Tegan intertwined their hands together to grab her attention. When two hazel eyes met, both women smiled in return. They began to kiss when Sara remembered what was the first thing she wanted to do with Tegan before sex.

"Let's slow dance," Sara whispered.

"Slow dance?"

"Yeah." The older woman sat up. "Our first dance. We didn't have that." Sara was pleading with her smile. "Remember when we slow danced two years ago?"

"How can I forget?" How could she forget? Those were the saddest and happiest moments of her life, not happier than now, but she was just happy Sara was still alive and in love with her, even though Sara was dying.

"Yeah, those were some bad days. That dance was sad. I want us to dance to a romantic song. I even picked it. I think you'll like it. I saw it in your playlist and I…I actually liked it."

"Alright." Tegan smiled and got up. She wasn't asleep anymore, _thanks to Stacy._ She might as well take advantage of each piece of serenity she was having with the love of her life.

Both of them looked tired and messy. Their clothes were wrinkled, their makeup was smeared on their faces, their hair was disheveled. They looked at each other as if each one of them had never looked better. When Sara played "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran, they kissed right away—though Tegan was laughing at the choice.

Sara helped her sway by putting both hands on her waist. Her palms grabbed the delicate flesh carefully and her eyes looked into the puffed up ones of the younger woman. "You know you're sexy like that?"

Tegan hummed as she laid her head on her lover's shoulder then closed her eyes. "Like what?"

"Your clothes almost off, your hair not in place, your eyes looking drunk, your face looking fresh, your body nice and voluptuous, your voice hoarse and raspy, your breath hot and heavy, your skin soft and silky, your heart beating loudly, your arms wrapped around me, your halo surrounding me. You're just sexy."

"Are you writing a poem, Dr. Clement?" Sara always made her feel special. She muted the song with her words; she changed the atmosphere with her presence.

"I'm just stating, Mrs. Clement."

Tegan squealed.

"What?" Sara pushed her a bit to look into her eyes.

"I forgot that's like my last name now."

"I like it."

"I love it." Tegan sighed in relief.

"You really do?" Sara asked.

"You have no idea." Tegan laughed and shook her head. "You know what I remembered?"

"Mhm?"

"You're not gonna believe it, but, umm, one day three years ago in ICC, when you came to class…um, I kind of mouthed _"marry me"_ loudly. I don't know why. I think some guy heard it. You were wearing kind of a sheer shirt. Well, it was very sheer. Your bra was black and your breasts size was very visible.

Sara's laughter was loud and melodic. It made Tegan blush.

"Eric told me," Sara said, still laughing.

"Who's Eric?"

"The guy who sat next to you. He came up to me after class and told me I was turning girls on. You have no idea how happy and confident it made me feel. I chose that outfit on purpose. I remember I wanted to seduce you; I wanted to examine your gayness. I just knew there was something…like, you vibrated gayness, Tegan. I just wanted to make sure. When he told me that you said these words, I basically felt like I have marked my territory. I was like, that's it. I'm in." She paused for a second. "God, I was fucked up. It was such a terrible way to get to you. Sometimes I felt like a predator."

Tegan chortled. "Predator or not, it worked."

They kissed a little bit more till they both sat on the floor, searching for the snacks and food they stashed Tegan's backpack with from the duty free at the airport while they waited for their flight.

"What did you get?" Sara asked. She had made herself coffee while Tegan was looking at their large newlyweds' room. Tegan gasped at the sea view she had discovered as she opened the curtains and found the large French window that exposed Venice's beautiful scenery. Sara had once promised her to stay in such a nice hotel a couple of years ago, right before their doom. Sara's promise was now fulfilled, despite the circumstances they had gone through.

"Just some candy." Tegan emptied her bag. Sara's eyed widened.

"Are you five?" Chocolate bars, candy, gummy bears, jelly beans, Nutella, whipped cream, lollipops, and more sugary snacks were laid in front of Sara's eyes.

"Sometimes."

Sara sat on the floor where all the unhealthy snacks were. She opened the fridge and took a can of beer. Tegan took it from her hand, taking a quick sip. "Do you think they'll charge us extra for these?"

"I don't care." Sara yawned, smiling. "I'm so happy." She reached for the zipper of her dress. It was too tight and suffocating. "I need to get rid of these clothes."

"Yeah, me too," Tegan said as she spooned some Nutella.

Sara got herself rid of the short white dress. She removed her necklace next and sighed. "Wow." She chuckled as she looked down at her bra. "I need this off, too." Tegan shrugged, chewing on a candy bar, filling her stomach with a bountiful amount of sugar.

Sara sighed in relief as she threw the small padded piece on the floor. She cupped both of her breasts and kneaded, making Tegan giggle with a stuffed mouth. "Are you still horny?"

"I kinda am," Sara said. "I'm just, you know," she continued, "giving them a massage. I don't like to wear a bra for long hours."

"Tell me about it." Tegan took a sip of her beer as she looked at Sara's hand cupping her right breast. She reached for the left one and joined the soft rubs. "They feel so soft and good."

"Like every boob," Sara remarked.

"Nah, yours are extra special." Sara blushed, and Tegan could see the red blotches on each side of her cheeks. Before the younger woman could take the pink hard nipples in her mouth, she spooned some Nutella and guided it to her lover's breasts. Sara gasped. "Shhh, I'm trying to have some fun, just let me."

Sara was hesitant, but excited. She looked down at the brown hazelnut chocolate coating her nipples. Flashbacks took her to the time she had done something similar to Tegan. She smiled when Tegan's wet lips wrapped around her left nipple. "Shit," she mouthed, feeling the familiar sensation of arousal inside her entire body.

Tegan licked the chocolate off her wife's breasts while the older woman continued pushing herself closer to the younger one, slowly getting drowned by the euphoria and pain of arousal. When Tegan pulled away with a proud smirk, Sara moaned loudly, protesting the departure.

Tegan began to unbutton her shirt with a flushed face. Sara, on the other hand, had only her underwear on. She decided to remove the drenched fabric. "You've been wearing that since yesterday and you were wet all day, I bet you ruined it."

"Fuck, yes." Sara laughed, showing her lover the inside of her panties.

"Fuck. You're messy."

"You have no idea how happy I am about this mess. That's like me being Sara, the normal Sara."

Tegan was as nude as her wife now. "I told you it's a matter of time. Now you're relaxed, you can pool in your undies normally."

They made out for quite awhile. Heavy, breathy kisses and some groping made them feel light and fuzzy, made everything around them seem as if it was none-existent, an empty galaxy, a space of nothingness but them two. Their bodies collided together, and their hearts were beating in sync as their lips and tongues rivaled one another.

Tegan pulled away with a big smile. Sara's hand was in her hair. She reached behind her back and grabbed the whipped cream can, surprising Sara with a spray in her mouth. With laughter, Tegan kissed her wife again, tasting some of that heavy cream. Sara took the can from her and sprayed a heavier amount all over Tegan's chest. Quickly, she crooked her neck to lick the soft, white substance. When her lips found Tegan's hard nipple, she sucked and bit at the same time, till she felt more whipped cream being sprayed all over her back and hair. She shrieked loudly, and Tegan laughed.

Once again, Tegan surprised her, spraying all over her body. Sara was chortling while her lover was pushing her own body the closest it could get. Their legs were spread, opened for each other, their pussies were inches apart, but Sara was not very comfortable with this position. "Are you trying to scissor?" she asked.

"Please." Tegan was needy and desperate.

"We can't. It's annoying."

"I love it. I wanna try it again."

"You seriously can ignore all the sex toys in the suitcase, your tongue and fingers and choose this? It's disturbing."

Tegan pouted. "Give it a chance. I can come by that, I'm sure you can, too."

"You probably can because your clit isn't really hidden. It's like it's out there." Sara pointed at her lover's aroused parts.

"Fuck you." Tegan snorted. "Are you saying my clit is big? Your labia are the size of Antarctica."

Sara joined the laughter, looking down at her vulva. "Yours isn't very different, love. Plus, it's gonna be like that when you give birth."

"Nah, it's genetics. It has nothing to do with it."

"Yes it does," Sara said.

"Nope," Tegan insisted.

"Yes."

"No."

They did not mind going on and on with their meaningless discussion at this hour. Simply, their minds were free and untroubled; they were happy.

"See," Tegan whispered, "it feels too good when our pussies touch." Sara looked down at her wife's swaying body, trying to get that friction between them. They were coated in the stickiness of cream and chocolate.

"Get the hitachi," Sara ordered.

"The…"

"The toy we bought." She was impatient, too heated to wait. In a quick second she thought of touching herself, but she resisted only because Tegan was as impatient, therefore, she was quick enough to bring what Sara had asked from her.

They were still sitting on the floor, smudged with stickiness of food, when Sara plugged the toy in and turned it on. The buzzing noise of it made Tegan gulp in anticipation, her stomach started to cramp.

Sara gave her lips and parts of her face quick kisses before whispering, "It might be too rough on you, like, too hard." Tegan could only moan.

The vibration hit her nipples first and she jumped at the first instance. Her entire body started to tingle. Seeing the absolute nirvana on her face, Sara's core ached and watered more.

"Oh, God. Fuck, fuck, fuck," Tegan screamed when the toy came in contact with her swollen clit. She held onto Sara's arm while the older woman laughed softly. Tegan continued squirming till Sara's body was inches away from her, squeezing the toy between their legs. Sara could barely take the vibration of the toy, but she could clearly remember that it had been way worse when she was younger.

They jumped at each other with wet, sloppy kisses. Sara's favorite part was nibbling at her wife's bony shoulder. Something about it was relieving and healing.

Tegan came before her, and that's because she desperately needed some more attention. The fact that she lasted this long was rewarding to her. She was in a state of incomprehensible euphoria. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she fell on her back. Laughter filled her lungs when Tegan removed the toy and sprayed some more gooey sweets all over her cunt.

Tegan licked her pussy carefully at first, enjoying the sweet taste of the whipped cream and Nutella. When the taste started to get mingled with Sara's juices, Tegan quickened her tongue movement. She licked the red folds thoroughly then bit the engorged clit. Whenever she received a nice moan from her wife, she bit more.

"Please, Tee, please." Sara was writhing underneath her.

She looked up at her lover with a satisfied smile. She had not enjoyed sex with Sara since they were back together as much as she was enjoying it now. When she locked the small clit in her mouth again, her tongue began to perform quick circular movements in anticlockwise motion, driving Sara crazy.

Arched back; dizzy head; heart pounding beneath her chest; heavy breaths, Sara could not keep her eyes open and could not stop her whimpering. When the hot tongue of her wife entered her rose-wet cave, she felt like she wanted to jump. She wanted more, and more, and more. In that moment she knew she desired nothing more than to be filled. But the surprise was different and new; Tegan filled her from behind with one finger. She opened her eyes. Tegan was blushing with a bitten lower lip.

"Is this…okay?" Tegan was shaking and she could feel it in her insides. She was honestly dumbfounded that her lover went there. She thought this could never happen. She nodded quickly. She could only absorb the growing pleasure in her body at that moment and nothing else.

She could feel the convulsions of each hole growing the more Tegan's index pushed in and out, the unfamiliar feeling becoming more enjoyable by the second. Tegan grabbed the hitachi again and added more pressure and more pleasure that made Sara scream in pure ecstasy as her orgasm hit hard and long. Her eyes stayed shut as she felt the spasms around Tegan's finger. She loved this feeling.

When Tegan pulled out, Sara hugged her. They kissed for awhile. "You fucked my ass."

"It was there, I couldn't resist."

"It was amazing." Sara could cry. It was the best orgasm since she had slept with Tegan a couple of years ago before her sickness got the best of her.

"It felt amazing actually. I really felt your orgasm…like, there." Tegan giggled.

"Well, go wash your hands."

Tegan could barely get up, but she did anyway. When she came back, Sara was asleep on the floor, therefore, she lay beside her and soon enough she was fast asleep.

Sara woke up from a dream about some teddy bears jumping around in her new house. In her dream she was looking around, not knowing how to control the thousands growing doubles of brown teddy bears dressed in red and white shirts that say ' _I Love You'._ She woke up confused, but her bladder urged her to get up and hurry to the bathroom. Tegan was there on the toilet.

"Are you done? I can't take it," Sara said quickly.

Tegan looked up with sleepy eyes. She was too slow getting up. Before she could fully stand up, Sara pushed her aside and sat on the toilet. She sighed in relief as soon as she began emptying her bladder.

"What the fuck, Sara?"

"I was gonna pee right there."

"You're disgusting." Tegan jumped in the shower. "Like how can you sit on the toilet after I used it without flushing? Anything could have been there."

Sara laughed after flushing. "Oh, honey, I know exactly what could have been in there. Do I look like I care?"

"Shut up." Tegan pouted while her wife joined her under the streaming hot water.

"Aww, little Tee Tee does not want to admit she pees and poops like everybody else?"

"I'm gonna kill you." Tegan's face was red. Sara was enjoying it.

"I wanna fuck you." Tegan giggled. She was being spoiled, and, God, she loved every bit of it. She wrapped her arms around her lover as they started kissing. "I wanna fuck you very well." Sara nibbled on her ears as she dirty-talked to her. "Make you scream and bite and shiver." By now Tegan was moaning, not because Sara's hands were already roaming up and down her body, but because Sara's words were making her core crave any type of treatment.

Sara fingered her in the shower and she returned the favor. They finally took their shower after enjoying their orgasms. While getting dressed, Tegan informed her girlfriend that she had started ovulating. Sara rejoiced. Tonight they were finally going to try it. But first, they had to discover Italy.

They were in love with the history, the art and architecture of the beautiful city they were in. They couldn't speak the language which felt hard at first, especially when they wanted to take a boat to discover Venice's spectacular details. They had pasta in one of the restaurants a guy who spoke their language told them to try. They drank some wine in another restaurant. They laughed and kissed each other as they walked around the city. They almost had sex in the dark on their way back to the hotel. They were on a small boat in the serene evening. Faint music was coming from somewhere they could not recognize. Their hearts were beating quickly. They were coveting the touch of one another, the strange feeling each of them got when she was touched in her most sensitive parts—they were in love, they were in love.

Tegan was extremely nervous back in the hotel room. Sara had to calm her down with soft music, candles and champagne. Sara was wearing silky cream-colored lingerie while moving around the room preparing the tools they needed. Tegan was naked, lying down on the mattress. Sara kissed her lips quickly before walking away when room service knocked on the door to deliver the extra pillow Sara required. Sara put on her robe before opening the door.

"Babe, lift your hips up, please." Tegan was shaking when Sara put a pillow beneath her. The professor kissed her again before sitting up. She took a sip of her champagne as she put the syringe next to the small cup that contained the sperm. She put the cup close to one of the candles to heat up the sperm. Tegan was awfully quiet. "Relax." Tegan nodded.

She stood up again and walked to the suitcase. Tegan eyed her lean body as it bent down to pick up one of the sex toys they had brought. Her wife looked delicious in her g-string and lace bra, but she was too nervous to get turned on. Sara returned with her vibrator, which calmed her down more. She wanted her wife to look at her and touch her hand throughout the entire process. The soft music was calming her down but she still needed her lover close to her in order to rest.

Sara took another sip of her champagne once she was back between Tegan's legs. She smiled softly as her hands caressed the soft skin of the younger woman. These soothing touches were making Tegan feel better; therefore, she closed her eyes and enjoyed every little touch. The kisses Sara planted on her skin began to sway her into the tranquility she had been searching for. The more Sara kissed, the better Tegan felt; and, slowly, she started to feel the wetness between her legs seeping out of her hole.

Eyes still closed, Tegan reached a hand to touch her lover's breast. She put the left cup of the bra down and kneaded the soft breast. Sara looked down at Tegan's hand on her breast. She moaned when Tegan's finger touched her hard nipple.

Sara kissed her stomach as she rubbed her wet folds, giving extra attention to her engorged button. Her tongue twirled the hard nipples and bit on each meaty part of her stomach to plant red marks that made her scream. Tegan was enjoying the process, forgetting her anxiousness.

Then Sara used the vibrator on her clit first and Tegan almost jumped. Sara giggled through a passionate kiss they were sharing. Sara pushed the vibrator inside quickly and easily. "Looks like your cunt's ready," she whispered. Tegan almost jumped again, but Sara steadied her movement with each push. Sara's other hand was rubbing Tegan's heated arm up and down.

Tegan reached her orgasm when Sara was kissing her. When they pulled away, Tegan was smiling. She held onto her lover's arm to keep her nerves and excitement balanced. Sara emptied the sperm in the syringe and took a deep breath. Tegan closed her eyes and waited. Sara held her hand and rubbed her knuckles as she pushed the syringe inside. Tegan could feel every bit of it, she could feel the warm sperm going in, she could feel the syringe close to her cervix. She opened her eyes when Sara kissed her.

"I'll keep it in for about ten minutes and I want you to keep your legs raised." Tegan nodded.

Tegan kept her legs up, leaning on the headboard for about half an hour while her lover used her notebook to draw her in that purifying posture. They were happy, both of them.

The next day they both woke up early and were in a great mood. They decided not to have breakfast in the hotel and discover the places the guy at the reception recommended instead. They tasted their best waffles in some small coffeehouse right in the same street their hotel was in. Tegan moaned at the flavor. At lunch they tried the best seafood risotto and fettuccine they had ever tasted. They went shopping in the old streets of Venice while trying some delicious gelato both of them shared because they were full. They went to a museum after they bought their friends some presents, and at night they kissed under the moonlight while enjoying some terrific red wine.

Back in the hotel, Sara asked to be touched.

"I want the new dildo. I really do."

Tegan hesitated as she looked at the pink toy and black harness in Sara's hands. "Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm positive." Sara's smile was genuine.

Sara took off her clothes and Tegan's hers. Both stayed in their undergarments. Tegan laughed at Sara's alluring lace, violet lingerie. "I like your choice of underwear. It's attractive." Sara blushed. She placed her palm right on top one of the scars on her abdomen. Tegan noticed she had been developing a defensive mechanism and it was covering one of her scars whenever she felt shy or anxious. Tegan wondered if Sara was aware of it. Most certainly she wasn't.

Tegan didn't comment on it. Slowly, she kissed her wife till the first moans of the night became audible. "What do you want?" Tegan asked.

"You know what I want." Sara was bashful. Her chest was red, her face was pink, her arms were full of goosebumps, but, most importantly, her thong was moist. Tegan could see the wet patch on her lover's crotch. Tegan didn't voice it either, but Sara's hormone replacement therapy was working well. It's the new pills. Actually, according to Sara, those were her old pills, back when they dated a couple of years ago. Tegan asked why she didn't take them again after her surgeries until now. Sara said she didn't think they would work because she had been told she needed something stronger. That stronger medicine only messed up her entire body, Sara said.

While getting her lover rid of her bra, she thought about her own situation. She could be pregnant. That seemed weird to think about, but she really could be. She and Sara hadn't talked about it at all. She wanted to know, she really wanted to. Sara told her they should wait till she missed a period, if she missed any. It seemed that her lover was not confident enough that she could be carrying, but that's only because Sara wanted it to so much and was anxious about it, Tegan thought.

She slid down the purple thong and Sara opened her slender legs for Tegan. Tegan laughed amusingly. "Sare," Tegan muttered.

"Yes, I'm sure," Sara said again.

"No, it's…" Tegan looked down. She would rather look at Sara's cunt than her face while confessing her lack of experience in topping a woman this way. "I haven't done that to anyone before…I mean, only to you, once…remember? And it was bad, very bad."

"Oh." Sara sat up. "You're kidding."

"No," Tegan whispered. "And I don't even remember."

"I'm shocked." Sara chuckled. "What about the girls? Emy? Did they all…"

"No," Tegan said loudly. She looked into her wife's glassy eyes. "We didn't do it that way is all. I did top some of them."

"You're really a pillow queen."

"No," Tegan whined. "I want to do it to you like that right now."

"I want it. You have no idea how much I want it. I've been craving it, I tell you." Sara laughed softly. "Daydreaming about it."

"Yeah, you're like…very wet."

"Girl, I'm drenched." Without any hesitance, Sara's fingers were quickly in her slit. She closed her eyes as she dragged her digits between the moist folds. "Take a look. It's like I'm eighteen again, I swear." And that's how Tegan felt, too. She felt too shy. Why was that? Why?

Sara gave her a helping hand to get into the harness and get in the missionary position. Few giggles escaped their nervous minds before they kissed for what felt like days unending. Sara's body was sweet, her skin was soft, her voice was mellow. Tegan pushed in just a little and looked at the older woman for any sign of discomfort. Sara looked fresh, happy, and relieved.

"Tell me when to stop," Tegan whispered in her lover's ears before kissing the red flesh. She felt the resistance, she felt the tightness. Yes, she was quite different; Tegan felt it all. She looked at Sara's closed eyes when she pushed all the way in. She kissed her parted lips quickly. Sara's eyes opened. "Okay?" Sara nodded with a smile.

"You can start." Sara's hands were on her back, legs wrapped around her hips as she began to push in and out in a slow rhythm. Tegan's mouth did not stop kissing the face beneath her. Sara was swaying in the nirvana she was receiving; those were the happiest moments of her life. She felt emotional, she felt natural.

Though there was discomfort, the pleasure started building in after a couple of minutes when Tegan began rolling her hips. Sara gasped when she felt the sensation she had been longing for since a long time ago. Sara beamed when the younger woman looked at her. They made out while their bodies smacked together, giving them sounds of euphoria, sounds of sex, sounds of love-making.

Then Sara was loud once her wife quickened her pace and took her erect nipple between wet lips. Sara arched her back and screamed. That was what she had wanted all that time. She could feel the tip of that toy near those tender places inside her core. Her clit throbbed for attention, her cunt watered for release, her hand scratched Tegan's back while the other squeezed a heavy breast. She undulated her hips along with her lover. The bed began moving and creaking beneath them.

Her eyes shot open when Tegan touched her clit and circled the sensitive button as quickly as she could. Sara swallowed and closed her eyes again. "Fuck, I'm close," she muttered under her breath before shrieking again when she felt Tegan's finger at the tip of her other hole. That was just fantastic. She could reach the best orgasm since her teen days if she wanted to. She hadn't lasted as much since years ago. Tegan's body was her shelter at the moment. Finally she could bite onto the upper chest of her lover when it was close to her mouth.

When she came, she screamed and laughed. That was the greatest orgasm Tegan had given her. She hoped she wouldn't bleed after it. She moaned softly when Tegan pulled out. Her lover was wheezing beside her, laughing every now and then after each sigh.

"Was that good?" Tegan pondered loudly.

"It was the best."

"Really?" Tegan looked at her. She sat up. Looked between her legs. _Good._ She looked at Tegan. "I feel like I'm bad at sex. I'm really bad."

Sara laughed. "You're not at all."

Tegan frowned.

"You're not, babe. You lack some experience, I'll be honest with you. But you're not bad at all. You're kind of timid. And come on, you always make me come." Sara winked. Hastily, she got between Tegan's legs. "Stay right here. I want to finish my night."

The professor took the drenched toy in her hand before pushing the tip close to her lips. Eyes focused on Tegan's dopey eyes, Sara licked the tip of the pink phallus with exaggeration. Her breasts were large and beautiful, nipples pointing downwards—Tegan could play with them all day long. Her clit jumped when Sara took more of the length in her mouth. Sara looked like a porn star. It made Tegan uncomfortable but it turned her on. Unconsciously, while staring at the swaying tits and puffy lips licking the toy like a sweet lollipop, Tegan started playing with her own breasts. She was close. Very close.

Sara started to gag on the phallus and her lover enjoyed it, pushing her head more to get some sensation in her pussy. Sara laughed the loudest an honorable professor should after setting the dildo free. Tegan took it off as quick as the passing wind, pushing Sara's confused face in her drenched cunt. Sara laughed more but Tegan couldn't join her. She needed to come and she needed it quickly. Sara lapped at the juices and bit on the small clit. She was still laughing, staring at her lover with sexually intense stares. The more Sara sucked, the closer Tegan got to her release. Sara's tongue moved back and forth on her clit till she came.

The next few days were the best they had spent together indeed. They tried new food, new places, went to the beach, got a tan, and did everything their hearts and minds desired. They had sex each day for ten days till they went back home tired but cheerful enough to allow Stacy to ramble on and on about what they had missed while they were gone.

Stacy picked them up from the airport and dropped them at their house. They both rested on their couch in the living room area upstairs. Stacy talked about watering the plants and cleaning their house twice while they were gone. Tegan was not feeling great, and even though Sara was hopeful, she was still not sure what ' _not feeling great'_ really meant because Tegan went to the bathroom to shower after that, leaving her alone with chatty Stacy and whiny Ella. Her head already throbbed.

"I cooked for you guys. I used your oven, is that okay?" Sara nodded, holding her head. "Need an Advil?"

"Please." Jet lag was going to murder her soon along with her already throbbing head; she was bound to get the worst migraine.

When they sat on the dinner table, Sara felt better after the first bite. It must have been only hunger. Tegan, however, seemed bothered. It could be Stacy's ongoing hospital stories that annoyed her, but Sara still asked, "Are you still not feeling well?"

Tegan looked up, as if she was in shock. Stacy stopped talking. She looked at their friend and her daughter then back at Sara again. "I started."

"Oh." Sara looked down at her plate.

"Oh," Stacy said.

"When?" Sara asked.

"Must be on the plane. I saw it when I went to the bathroom."

"It's okay." Sara smiled. "I knew it wouldn't happen. We can try again if you're okay with it." Stacy was chewing silently.

"I am..." Tegan sighed. "I'm disappointed."

"It's okay, Tee."

"It doesn't always take the first time you want it unless you're me and you don't want it so it just happens," Stacy said.

"You didn't want…"

"Shushhhh," Stacy hushed her before she could say the little girl's name. Ella was starting to understand their conversations slowly. She had been repeating some words at kindergarten and home. She was smart. "I used all the birth control the world could offer but fate was against it. I knew….umm, you know, he and I wouldn't last so I didn't want any…attachment, but it happened." Stacy paused; looking at her daughter's confused face. "And I'm glad it did."

"When I was with Jeremy…" Sara looked up from her plate. She had been pondering wearily inside her mind. Well, it didn't happen. They missed another chance. They have to wait for the next month. It was like that, it had always been like that. Each month a disappointment and she was getting Tegan in her bad luck spiral now. "One time we forgot to use protection. It was the only time we didn't use it and…he…" She blushed, she couldn't say it. He came in her and she liked it. If it was only Sara in the room, she would have probably said it, but not around Stacy. No way. "You know…" Stacy nodded; Sara was looking at her without any motion. "So we panicked for two weeks because we only remembered a few days later, or, actually, only cared about it a few days later. I was scared, so scared. I even planned it in my head, what was I going to tell my mother, where would I go to get an abortion. Everything. But thankfully it didn't happen." Sara looked at her plate again. She could not eat anymore. "But now that I think about it, I could really be a lot like my mother. She has some fertility issues. All my aunts do. It took her three years of trying to conceive me and after me she couldn't conceive at all. One of my cousins shares these issues. I could…I could have them, too."

"Dr. Anderson said you're fine," Sara remarked.

"But you don't really know these things until you try, Sara," Stacy said. "If she has a history of infertility, it could take you guys awhile."

"Dr. Anderson also said I'm not very fertile, which is why I had to take fertility drugs in the first place." Sara was on the verge of a breakdown, but she resisted it. She had to.

At night when they were in bed, Tegan wondered loudly, "You're upset?"

"Me?"

"Yes." It was dark. It was hot in the room. Sara was annoyed, not upset. "About me not being pregnant?"

"Of course not," Sara answered honestly. She was upset about the Jeremy story Tegan had told. She was a little bit enraged, just a little bit jealous, just a tiny bit heartbroken. She didn't know why. "I kinda had a feeling. I just don't want you to go through what I went through just to get a baby."

"Don't worry about it." Tegan sighed loudly. "I can get my mother to give me a check up."

"You don't trust Dr. Anderson?"

"My mother is famous in treating infertility and these issues, Sara."

"I know." Yes, Sara knew. She read her name in some articles she found online. She saw her on the news once. She heard about her from other people. She could have just been the person she needed when she was with Jack, but fate introduced her to this woman and her daughter years after. "Life is too ironic, don't you think?"

Tegan chuckled. "It is." Tegan touched her hot hand and squeezed it. "It really is."

"I don't want our honeymoon phase to be over. I don't want this issue to break it." She felt Tegan's lips on her cheek, kissing the soft flesh. "I love you," she murmured.

"I don't want that, too," Tegan said. "But we'll try again soon. We'll go to the doctor and see, okay?" That sudden change of decision also worried Sara. Tegan was opposed to having kids just a month ago, now she was pushing it. What if it was all fake? What if it was just to please her? No, she didn't want that. She didn't want Tegan's life to be a dumpster for the sake of her happiness and satisfaction.

And it looked like what she had feared, she almost got.

The weeks that followed were not bad except that she was called by the University for a couple of emergency meetings in specific dates. Since she had become a Dean, her phone had not stopped ringing each day after getting back home. Sometimes it irritated Tegan, other times it made her proud. However, what vexed both of them mostly was Jack not giving up on Sara, Jack's text messages popping up every other day on Sara's screen. Sara answered none of them, but now that they were going to have a faculty meeting, she dreaded looking him in the eyes. It was disgusting how a man like him could scare her till now.

They still managed to have plenty of sex, still managed to try at home again. This time Sara was more confident, probably because Dr. Anderson assured them her wife was more than fine and more than ready to carry. They also went out with their friends, stayed the night at Stacy's once because she made them drink her cheap wine and got them intoxicated. They laughed their asses off to weird sitcoms, played with Ella and chatted with Emy when she visited them ranting about her shallow love life.

But Sara had been quite busy for the previous week. She would come home to eat dinner, have sex and sleep. However, one Wednesday afternoon, when she came home, Tegan was crying in bed.

"What's wrong?" she asked with a pale face and quick heartbeats.

"I don't know," Tegan answered. "I woke up feeling like my body was on lead, I swear Sara. I can't move a muscle. I'm too cold. I have a fever. I don't feel well at all."

"Are you getting the flue?"

"I think." Tegan sniffled. "God, I don't even know why I'm crying." She sat up. "I'm so lame."

"You worried me." Sara kissed her plump lips. Tegan wiped her own tears.

"I know. My body's really broken. That's how it feels." Sara was rubbing her exposed arms. Sara's hands were warm enough to make her moan. "God, that feels good. Your hand feels good." Sara smirked at her, licking her lower lip. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything." Sara squeezed her arm. "Looks like you want something in particular."

"I do," Tegan admitted.

Sara took off her grey blazer, still smirking.

"Wash your hands."

"I washed them downstairs."

They kissed and Tegan moaned. Her hair was getting longer, shaggier. It was not as dark as she had it before. Her brown locks were beginning to overrule the dyed ones. Her breasts were big again, swollen again, very alluring to Sara's eyes. When she touched them, Tegan flinched. "It hurts."

"Okay, sorry."

"The fertility pills, Sara. They're working their shit one me, I swear. I wake up with sore breasts each day. It's been like that for over a month."

"Yeah, I know. They're terrible." Sara hoped they'd have what they want so Tegan would stop taking them already.

She pushed her hand in Tegan's sweatpants and underwear. Tegan was soaked. Sara gasped as she felt the saturation. "Wow. That's very…"

Tegan blushed deeply. "I know."

"Have you been playing with yourself?"

"No," Tegan said, feeling Sara's finger at her entrance. She had never been this drenched, she could feel it increasing. "I just felt it." Sara's brows were furrowed as she pushed inside her lover's entrance. Tegan was confused by Sara's confusion. "Sare, please…"

"Tee, I think…" Sara pulled her hand out. Tegan's eyes widened. "You started, honey." Blood coated Sara's fingers.

Tegan resumed her tears rather quickly. "I'm more than a week late. I was hoping...I was gonna talk to you about it." She wept in front of Sara's shocked face. Sara could cry too, but she didn't. "I've been having terrible cramps this entire morning and that's why I was crying but I kept denying it because my entire body hurts as well. I just thought I'm actually pregnant. I didn't wanna say it. I really thought it happened."

Sara hugged her that night and made her calm down. Sara's heart broke once again. They lost another month. Sara didn't cry, however. She was the stronger of the two. As much as she wanted, she didn't cry. "We'll try again next month," Sara whispered, but honestly she was already sick of trying.

Tegan woke up at 4:00 AM solely to cry. It was the boring scenario of Tegan's cramps once again. Sara stayed in bed and heard her wincing in pain, crying, and shaking. After an hour and a half of trying to get back to sleep, Sara gave up. She went to the kitchen, made some coffee and prepared the heating pad. When she went up, Tegan's crying voice was loud in the bathroom. She went in without knocking. Tegan was on the toilet.

"Sara, I'm dying."

After a somber night and a gloomy dawn, Sara finally wanted to laugh from the bottom of her heart. "You're not dying. You say that each month. Literally each month. I'm gonna record it next time."

"No, no, this time is different. I'm bleeding like its fucking shark week. It hurts so bad. I'm dying, I swear."

Sara sighed. "Tee, babe, just try to finish up. I made you some coffee and here's your heating pad outside."

An hour later, Tegan did not calm down. She only wept harder and cried louder. Sara watched the news and ate breakfast, tried to ignore as much as she could, but when Tegan called her mother, she knew Tegan was not exaggerating as she always did; however, her mother couldn't believe her.

"Tegan, you're not really calling me at 6:30 just to tell me you have the worst cramps ever. When are you going to grow up?" Tegan only cried. "Where's Sara?"

"I'm right here." Sonia was put on speaker by Sara. "She woke up at four crying like that."

"She doesn't have to announce it to the world. What can I do about it! Let her sleep it off. God, Tegan, you're twenty-two not thirteen anymore."

"I really can't fucking take it, I'm dying," Tegan screamed. Sara looked at her with two wide shocked eyes. "I called to ask you why the fuck is this happening to me? This is the worst feeling. I can't feel my body. I swear it hurts. It fucking hurts. Why is that? Why am I not getting pregnant? Is this period bad because of the drugs, because of the sperm in me, because what?" Tegan was losing it.

"Tegan, calm down," Sara said, rubbing a very warm hand. "You have a fever."

Sonia spoke after a long pause. "Sometimes it has something to do with it, yes." Tegan put her head on the pillow, closed her eyes and wept silently. "I think you're angry because you're not pregnant, not because you're in pain."

"I'm sick of you assuming what you don't know."

"Um, Sonia, I'm sorry about that," Sara said, glaring at her pained lover. "I'll get her to calm down."

When Sara hung up, Tegan filled the silence with more cries. Sara could do nothing. She couldn't tell if Tegan was hurt, sad, angry; she simply couldn't tell what was happening to Tegan. But, truly, Tegan was hurt and nobody believed her pain.

When Sara was getting dressed to go to her meeting, Tegan interrupted, "I need to go to the doctor. I can't take it. I'm getting too dizzy."

Sara looked at her for a few seconds. She had never asked to visit a doctor. Tegan hated doctors. Her volunteering to see one just proved that she was not exaggerating. "Uh…I have to go to the meeting. Will you be able to wait till I come back?" Tegan nodded, wiping unstoppable tears. "I'll keep calling to check on you. Why don't you call Emy to come here?" Tegan shook her head. "Why not?"

"I just need my mum right now. I need my mum." Sara was taken aback by that. Her mother did not even show any sympathy because she, just like everyone else, thought it was her usual exaggeration.

Sara left her house with a worried mind. Maybe there was something wrong. She called her friend while driving. "You have a day off today, right?"

"Yes, want me to come over? We can get Chinese food."

"No, I want you to go sit with Tegan until I come back."

"Umm…why?" Stacy asked.

"I don't know, she's been crying all night long. She started yesterday and her mood is awful but she says she's in so much pain and, you know." Stacy sighed. "I know, I know. Just babysit her for me, please? Maybe Ella will make her feel better. I think she's upset about…yeah, we're not pregnant again."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Sara." Stacy sounded empathetic. A tear rolled down Sara's eyes but she wiped it away before anyone in the street could spot it. "I'll go now. Don't worry."

"Thank you. I'll call to check up on her."

"You're such a good wife." Stacy laughed, making Sara laugh along.

Tegan was positive there was something abnormal, something strange. She had never bled as much, never experienced such pain, such irritation, such pressure. She sat on her knees and squeezed her eyes, tried to control her breath and bear the growing pain. The more time passed the dizzier she felt. Did she do something wrong? Overdose by accident? What could have possibly happened?

Stacy and her daughter came in the middle of a breakdown. Tegan was crying loudly, clutching her lower abdomen, curled on the bed. Yes, Stacy still had the extra keys because Sara could never say no to her.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Stacy ran up to her with panic. Ella stood faraway, frozen and puzzled. "What's going on? Tegan."

"I'm dying, I'm dying. I can't feel my body. Everything hurts. My back, my vagina and everything." Stacy made her sit up. She was burning. "Oh, God. Please do something about, I'm begging you."

"What do you want me to do? Did you take painkillers?" Of course she did, that was a silly question. Stacy went to the kitchen to get the younger woman some water and something to eat. When she came back, Tegan was squatting on the bed and Ella was sitting on a leather chair in the corner of the room, watching from afar. "Okay, what are you doing?"

Tegan could barely speak. Her face was turning red. She looked plain horrible.

"Tegan." Stacy put her hand behind her back. "Sit down, please…sit down."

"Sara just said this position used to make her cramps go away."

"Oh, God." Stacy sighed. "Did she call?" Tegan nodded. Stacy's hand was being squeezed without mercy. By mow Stacy was sure these were not just cramps, there was something bigger and Tegan needed to see the doctor.

Minutes passed and Tegan's pain was only increasing. She didn't even have the power to make a sound anymore. Her lips were growing pale, so was her face. Her eyes were drowsy, her forehead sweaty. Stacy kept asking some questions because Tegan refused to get dressed and go to the doctor with her. When Sara called again, she asked if Stacy could give her a checkup. Tegan refused quickly.

"Could it be another fractured cyst?" Stacy asked but Tegan shook her head.

"It didn't hurt as bad, I swear. I didn't even bleed like that."

"You're bleeding a lot," Stacy said. Tegan nodded quickly. She was lying in bed, eyes half closed, body covered with two heavy blankets.

"I couldn't even…" She looked at Ella's silent face then back at Stacy's concerned one. At this moment she didn't care what she told Sara's friend, she just wanted the pain to go away. "I couldn't use a tampon. I keep changing my pad each hour and I keep on leaking. I don't…I don't get what's happening."

Stacy made a few calls with doctors in the hospital she worked in. Tegan was losing vigor and color by the second. She looked atrocious, simply scary. When she went to the bathroom one more time, she screamed inside. Stacy went in after a knock, closed the door right before Ella could follow her. Tegan was sobbing hysterically.

"What the fuck is that?" The sight was horrible, disgusting, and nauseating; but Stacy knew exactly what the fuck was that mass of blood in front of her. She dealt with patients who suffered this almost each week. She could not believe her eyes. She wanted to cry looking at Tegan's colorless face.

"Try to breathe. Take a breath. Hold my hand," the friend directed, a hand behind Tegan's back and a hand held Tegan's. "We have to get you to the hospital immediately." She was in a haze, in loss, in confusion. How was she going to drive her to the hospital, get her in, call Sara? Oh, God, how was she going to tell Sara? Sara was going to lose it. Sara was not going to believe it.

"I'm gonna faint," Tegan whispered weakly.

"You're losing so much blood," Stacy commented.

"Am I gonna die?" Tegan had surrendered and let the older woman take care of her. She was being rid of her bottom clothes and she didn't care at all. She couldn't see clearly. She was really going to die. Was that how death felt? That's what she wondered about before fainting, before Stacy's last words, before gasping and losing consciousness all at once.

"No, honey, no." Stacy was super nice, why was she super nice? Stacy was even crying. "You're having a miscarriage."


	21. Cursed

It had been quite the long day and her headaches wouldn't stop. It's her fifth cup of coffee since she had been savagely awakened by her wife at four in the morning. The men beside her and all around her talked nonsense, they were plain horrible at organization, forgetting that she was the Dean, and it was her decision at the end whether to add new materials starting Fall 2016/2017 or use the same old materials the School of Foreign Languages had had since it was established in 2008. They really did need to refresh the subjects, add new materials; especially in the English department, which she cared about mostly since she taught in this department and knew exactly what each subject lacked and how to deal with these issues. However, it was simply not the time to focus after the distraction she had received from Tegan and Stacy.

She had thought that maybe she could take a nap after going back, but the constant calls worried her and now she needed to take Tegan to the doctor right away. Perhaps it was another fractured cyst, which was quite possible. Did she curse her wife? That would be the worst. She hoped not.

"Why aren't you participating, lullaby?" the professor next to her asked. She looked up with shock on her sharp features. How dare he call her that in their work place?

"Dr. Antonoff, please understand this is a work environment," she mouthed under her breath. Jack only nodded. The guts he had to call her the old pet names she used to love, as if that was going to pull her in again. He never called her _Pearly Eyes_ or Lullaby or any of these pet names once problems began to grow between the two of them. Why now? Why again? She was married. She was trying to have a baby…again.

Stacy was floundering and flailing between the w _hys_ and _hows._ She had witnessed that scene before with her best friend, how was it possible to witness it with her best friend's wife? And it was her who was supposed to carry the bad news to the wife. Sara was not going to take it well, not at all. And the shadow of anguish had hit home once again. How hard was life? How terrible, how cruel, how mean? Why couldn't it make them happy? Give them just that one thing, a baby; everyone could get a baby, why not them?

She decided not tell Sara over the phone; Sara wouldn't be able to drive, she might hurt herself. Therefore, Stacy texted Sara, asking her to call right after the meeting was over.

Ella was with her when they reached the hospital and it was not her shift anyway, she could not go inside with Tegan as a nurse nor even a companion. However, after some begging, she exchanged her shift with one of the nurses and went inside the operation room with the doctor who was supposed to stop the miscarriage of—shockingly—three fetuses. Tegan was supposed to have triplets…but not anymore. Stacy had to leave Ella outside with the receptionist. She thanked God millions of times she was working in this hospital and everybody knew her.

After the small operation was done, she and another nurse helped the younger woman get into a clean hospital gown and moved her to a room she was supposed to stay in for a night or more, if any troubles were found. Tears remained in her eyes as she was taking care of the patient. Tegan was still anesthetized so she was mostly not aware of her surroundings. She had the urge to kiss her forehead, tell her it was going to be fine, but she didn't. She couldn't. She squeezed her hand and watched her fall asleep, losing the small bits of consciousness she had.

Stacy held her daughter and talked to her as they sat outside Tegan's room. "Will Teetee be alright?" Ella asked with a frown on her small features.

"She will be." The mother smiled.

"So much blood there was." Ella was tearing up. "Just like when daddy hit you." How did that child remember the scene? Stacy felt disturbed.

"Oh, honey, that's different. Don't worry. She will be just fine. She needs to rest and she'll be okay tomorrow." Stacy kissed her daughter's nose, and that's when Sara called. It was a long meeting. All of that had happened and the wife was not aware. She took a deep breath and spoke, "Sara." She was shaking.

"What's up, Stacy? Is Tegan fine?" Her friend, too, was shaking. Her voice was breaking. "I saw the text message and I rushed out of university. I'm heading home right now."

"Come to the hospital."

"What?" Sara yelled. Stacy could hear the crowded street and the tens of cars honking. She could also hear the fury; but, most certainly, she could hear and feel the drop of a heart that was just told the terrible news. "Wh…what? What's going on?" Sara cried right away.

"She's fine," Stacy half-lied. "Come to the hospital."

"Tell me," Sara shouted. "Fucking tell me."

"Come to the hospital, Sara. She's tired. Just come here and I'll tell you." Stacy was quiet, but she spoke with gritted teeth. She did not want to yell. It was a hospital after all.

She had no idea how she didn't cause an accident while driving like a maniac, but that didn't matter anyway. She was in heavy tears, her mascara running down her eyes and her nose red as she asked for her wife. Stacy hugged her tightly when she saw her. She sobbed on Stacy's light pink uniform, but the friend didn't seem to care. _My wife, my wife,_ her brain kept calling. Stacy was trying to hush her cries and Ella was rubbing her thighs in comfort, because that's the farthest her small figure could reach.

"Please, sit," Stacy whispered. "She's fine. She's asleep." Sara shook her head. She couldn't speak, but she wanted to see her. Screw everything, she wanted her lover. Screw everyone, she wanted Tegan. "I'll explain. Just sit down."

She sat down. Another nurse gave her a bottle of water and Stacy gave her tissues. They called the doctor but she was not ready to know what was going on with her lover. Maybe it was something mild, maybe it was something serious. She really didn't know.

"Just tell me," Sara begged.

"I need you to calm down, first." Stacy didn't know what to tell her. She couldn't do it. She didn't want to be the one that shocked her with the bad news. "Mandy, can you please take Ella with you for a couple of minutes?" Stacy told the other nurse. "Ella, honey, I want to talk to Sasa." Ella nodded in silence and walked away. "Do you want me to tell you or you want the doctor to do it?"

"Just tell me," Sara pleaded again.

"Tegan was having a miscarriage." Sara's eyes widened. Yes widened. No tears ran out of them. They were red and it felt as if they were harshly stinging, Stacy thought. Well, the heartbreak, she could feel it. But where were the tears that came to a sudden halt once she broke the news? "She was pregnant. Well barely four weeks but, umm, with triplets," her voice was broken as she whispered. She was scared of the reaction, especially that Sara seemed frozen. "She lost lots of blood...so…so she's gonna need some vitamins, iron supplements, some minerals, you know…" And she broke down in tears. "I'm so sorry, Sara." But Sara was too stunned to cry and that scared her friend even more.

But why? Why? How? No, no, why? She cursed her? How? No, why? She needed a reason. Was it a curse? Was it her fate? She dragged her lover along into her miserable fate? Three at the same time. Three. Not one, not two, three. Why? _Just give me one reason, you up there. I believe in you, why do you let me down?_ Why did she even believe anymore? Was there someone up there? She was sure there was. Miracles happened to her. She awoke from the death. But why? They always told her that's his plan, Evelyn always said that. Was he that mean?

And the memories took her back again leaving her to ask thousands of other _whys._

She was just sitting there. Yes, tired. She had not felt this tired throughout her entire pregnancy. Today was just brutal. She didn't do much. She was cleaning the apartment when she felt a sharp pain in her belly, so she lay down on the couch and talked to her tummy. She rubbed the protruding width, waiting for a kick or two as she had been receiving recently. There was nothing. "What's wrong, baby?" she whispered. "You're tired? Mummy made you tired? We just started cleaning, little girl." And then she felt a small kick. She laughed. "Oh, is that a yes?" Another kick, but this one made her scream. "Whoa, whoa. Relax, Alice. You're making mummy tired." Another wave of pain hit her lower abdomen. Jack was not home yet.

She stayed lying there on her back for about half an hour, rubbing her stomach and talking to her baby. Her mother called to check up on her as she did twice a week. Her mother never called as much until she married Jack—of course. She rolled her eyes at the memory. When she informed her family she's carrying, her mother called even more. Well, they finally got what they wanted.

"How are you doing today?"

"A little bit tired."

"Oh, why? Exhaustion hit already?" Evelyn asked.

"Kind of. I was cleaning and I felt the sharpest pain in my lower abdomen. I sat on the sofa and she kicked a lot. It was kinda painful. I feel better now but I'm kind of uncomfortable."

"Sara, be careful. Don't carry heavy luggage or move frequently," her mother advised. Sara rolled her eyes.

"Mum, I didn't. I always clean the house. I'm healthy and fine. Some pregnant women do sports and run and swim and do everything."

"It's your first pregnancy and it's a little bit…"

"Mum…" Sara cut her off. "I know. It could be risky. I talked to my doctor about this, don't worry. Plus, I'm like in my third trimester right now. My baby's fine."

"Alright." The mother sighed in defeat. Sara hated when her mother preached. When was this woman going to understand that her little girl was not little anymore? Never, that was the answer. "I just called to tell you that my flight will reach at four in the morning. I don't want you or Jack to wake up and come to the airport. I'll take a cab." She still didn't know how she was going to manage staying with this insufferable woman till she gave birth. Her mother insisted she should visit, just in case Sara had an early birth like her and needed her around. As if Sara was going to need anything from her. Sara rolled her eyes again.

"Alright, mother. I'll inform Jack." God knows which hooker Jack was fucking at that particular moment. Sara stopped caring a long time ago. She stopped asking anyway. She pretended that everything was perfect. She was going to have this child and everything was going to be perfect once again.

She watched TV and ate a little. However, soon the pain returned and she felt queasy. The kicks also returned. Jack was still not home. "You took a nap and now you woke up, honey?" she talked to her stomach. "Daddy's still not home. It's 9:00 P.M. I'm starting to get worried." She felt the waves of pain increase. "What's going on, sweetie? Are you hurt? Why are you hurting me?" Tears began to collect on the lids of her eyes.

She did not know she had taken her own nap until she was awakened with gentle kisses from her husband. She moaned a little bit until she opened her eyes. "Jack?" Her vision was still blurry.

"Sleepy head," Jack remarked, kissing her plump lips once again.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"10:30," Jack answered.

"You're late." She tried to sit up, but the pain returned right away. "Oh, shit."

"Are you okay?"

"I've been having cramps the entire day."

"Cramps?"

"Yeah…like period cramps, I swear. And she won't stop kicking." Sara yawned. "I'm sore and tired."

Jack put his head on his wife's baby bump. Sara laughed as she looked at him trying to hear what's in there. A kick happened and Jack jumped. "Whoa. She's angry." Jack took off his glasses and blazer.

"Yeah. I ate, I talked to her, I rested." Sara closed her eyes again as another wave took her by surprise. "Shit."

"Wanna go to the doctor?"

"It's late," Sara said.

"To the ER?" Jack asked. He seemed worried, and that's the only reason (besides loving him endlessly) Sara stuck around.

"No, I'm not that hurt." Jack put his hand on her abdomen after lifting up Sara's big black sweater.

"How many layers are you wearing? The place's hot." Sara was wearing a black tank top underneath. He pulled it up a little bit. She giggled. "Aren't pregnant women supposed to feel hot all the time?"

"Well, not me." Sara removed her sweater as her husband started to rub her exposed belly. His hands were warm; it gave her such a nice feeling.

He kissed her tummy and made her giggle when he continued talking to their baby. "Is this gonna make you calm down, Alice?" Jack asked. "Daddy kissing mommy's tummy is working?" Sara giggled some more. "It seems like your mom likes it."

"It seems that she likes it, too." The kicking had stopped, yet the discomfort remained. Jack kissed her rosy lips.

"You are adorable, do you know that?" Sara hummed. "When you lisp and giggle? I just wanna squeeze you." Sara giggled again. "I miss you. I miss your body."

"Well…" Sara opened her arms and pointed at herself. "It's all yours." Jack's smirk was beautiful and malicious. He unbuttoned his shirt's top buttons and pulled up the sleeves. Sara waited. "Are we gonna fuck right here on the couch?"

"I'm gonna enjoy your body right here. It's all about you now."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "How come, professor?" Her husband laughed. "Last time I checked, it hadn't been about any of us since a month ago."

"I've been taking care of my own…stuff." Sara nodded. "And no, not with other women." He said with assuring eyes, but Sara did not care any longer.

"With other men?" she joked, however.

Jack laughed, raising his fist. "With this girl right here."

"You're disturbing."

"You're too gay to understand." He kissed her lips again.

"I'm not even going to deny it." Her hands rubbed the muscles in his arms as he kissed down to her neck. "I haven't come since that morning you woke me up."

"Yeah, it's been over a month," Jack commented. "You know, it seems like such a lie that you do not touch yourself." Sara laughed. "How come?"

"I used to in the past. Now, I just, I don't know." She sighed. "I have you. I'd tell you if I need it urgently."

"Do you need it now?" he asked.

"Desperately." He kissed her once again and pulled up the tank top. She was not comfortable in her skin, but he really didn't care about it, that's what he always told her. When he took more than few seconds staring at her large breasts, she pulled down her top. "You don't have to look at them."

"Why not?" He seemed surprised; he raised the black top again. "They're gorgeous."

"Nooo," she whined. "They're disgusting. Big and heavy and disgusting. And look at my nipples, like what the fuck is that? Why are they so huge?" He laughed. "I'm serious. They better get back the way they were when I give birth."

"I doubt it." Her husband began to knead the heavy breasts carefully. She had never been as tender and he was aware of it. "You're planning to breastfeed, babe." Sara moaned in protest. "Look, you're beautiful. You're fucking gorgeous. If I could take you out nude in the street and be like, look how hot my knocked up wife looks, I would. But of course I'm not gonna do that because you know how I don't like to share." Why did he make her feel this terrific about herself? Why did she allow it? Once she was down, he made her feel like garbage, and she also allowed it. Tough love, it was tough love.

"Oh, shit," Sara screeched when the white substance was squeezed out of her left nipple while Jack was fondling her.

"Wow, did you just?" Jack tried it again, and her nipple squirted some white liquid.

"Is that milk?" Sara sat up. "Isn't that too early? What the fuck?" Sara was freaking out. "Oh, wait, I read in some pregnancy books, like, the boob would start leaking some white stuff in preparation. It's not really milk, but like it's the beginning of it or something. I read the baby can even feed from it."

"Well, that's just…" Jack was speechless. "Wow. Are you that close to giving birth?"

"I guess?" Now that scared Sara. What if she really ended up having an early birth like her mother? She did not want a premature baby.

Jack removed her shorts and underwear and spread her legs. "I need you to relax. Forget the little situation in there, right now." Sara was still checking her breasts, wondering what was going on in her body.

She was wet when Jack started teasing her cunt. However, it seemed that Jack noticed a new change in her body. "You're very loose compared to last time I slept with you."

"You're fucking me with your finger, Jack," Sara stated. Was that a comment about her vagina? She hoped she was not really loose.

"No, Sara." Jack shook his head. "There's some dilation. There's something different. I guess your body is really preparing."

"Oh." She was becoming fear-stricken by the minute.

Jack made her come, but it didn't feel special at all because she was not paying too much attention to her orgasm as much as she was focusing on the growing, numbing pain in her entire body.

"Why don't you just rest here a little bit?" Jack said after helping her put her clothes on.

"I need to pee." She got up. "The pain is growing." Her husband followed her to the bathroom. She hated when someone heard her peeing, but she was slowly getting used to it around Jack. Katina hated such intimate connection, Jack didn't.

They went to bed and Sara slept again. They woke up when Sara's mother arrived to their place at 5:30 in the morning. The mysterious pain was gone for the moment as she sat in the living room with her husband and her mother. The older woman commented on the apartment and on her body. Sara smiled without mouthing any words as Jack had advised.

"Mother, don't you maybe want to rest? We prepared the extra room for…Oh, God," Sara screeched as a wave of pain hit her lower abdomen once again. She squeezed her eyes shut and held her protruding belly.

"Again?" Jack rushed to sit by her side as she tried to breathe. The pain only grew worse. She began to cry.

"Sara? What's going on? You're still hurt?" Evelyn wondered cautiously.

"Oh God, oh God. I can't take it." She felt herself getting slightly dizzy as the pain and pressure increased.

"Let's get you to the ER, Sara," Jack asked. "Shit, Sara, you're bleeding," He shouted as he notice the accumulating red liquid between his wife's legs.

Sara's memories faded as she listened to the doctor describe what had happened to her wife and where would that take them from there. Nothing was out of the ordinary, apparently. Her body simply refused the fetuses. Maybe because they were three, maybe because her body was not ready. It happened to a lot of women, the doctor told Sara. It might happen again, it might not. Sara remained frozen with silent tears escaping her lids.

"Sara, you've been awfully quiet," Stacy stated as the doctor walked away. "Please speak, you're scaring me."

"Tegan's gonna kill you for making the hot male doctor look at her vagina," Sara said. Tears still ran out of her eyes. It was denial or fake strength, Stacy guessed. It was one of those. Sara was crying but she couldn't let her eyes show it. Her tears ran and her lids were wide open with fear that was rather apparent.

"He's the best doctor. She was in a critical situation, Sara. We needed immediate care."

"I want to see her."

"Of course. I just checked on her. She's awake. She needs you."

She was awake. She was crying. She was in pain. When her wife approached her, her sobs increased and her wails got louder. She stretched out her arms for Sara to take. Sara hugged her and held her shaking hand as she wept and wailed on the woman's shoulder.

"It's okay. It's okay. It's going to be okay," her wife was not crying. Her wife took her hand and squeezed it tightly, kissed her forehead and wiped her falling tears; but her wife was not crying. Her eyes were bloodshot and makeup-stained, but they were glassy and transparent. "I'm so sorry," She sat right beside her on the bed, held her face close to her chest and lulled her. She tried to calm down but it felt like her entire body was revolting this departure.

"Three. I lost three."

"Shhhh. It's alright."

"We lost three." She cried more. How was that possible? Why did she feel so empty? Was that how Sara had felt? Had been feeling? Sara lost a child after birthing it; that would have been harder. Was that karma for not understanding how her wife felt? Why did everything that once happened to Sara happen to her now? "I'm hurt."

Sara kissed her lips quickly and wiped more tears. "We will overcome this." She knew Sara's heart must've been broken; shattered in millions and millions of pieces, so why was she not crying? She was trying to be strong, the strongest of them. It was so like Sara to carry the burdens of the world on her shoulder. "I'm sorry I couldn't see it," Sara whispered. "I'm sorry for this morning."

"We will try again until it works. It has to work." She was promising things her body was not capable of. She could feel nothing but fatigue and pain, and yet she was more than ready to restart and try again. Sara was right; when you can't get it, you become obsessed with it.

"Hey, hey, don't think about that now. Just rest." But she could do nothing other than thinking of it. Nothing in her was able not to obsess over it.

"Is that how it felt? That much? It hurt that much?" Sara nodded—and then she saw a little tear roll down her eyes. "It hurts so bad." Sara nodded again. "My body hurts. I am in pain."

"Tegan?" Stacy came in. "How are you feeling?" Ella was with her, hiding behind her legs. Tegan didn't answer. "Can I check on you?" Tegan didn't answer. "Ella, sit on that chair, dear." Ella obeyed silently.

"Tee?" Sara asked.

"Everyone saw me naked in here," she mouthed. "You, the other nurse, that dude doctor." Sara smiled while tears ran past her lids. "I can't believe you saw me naked."

"It's okay, Tee," Sara said. "She's trying to help you. She's a nurse."

"I see naked women every day, Tegan," Stacy commented as she checked the younger woman's pulse and the intravenous tube.

"How are you not gay yet?" Tegan rambled. "I'd be gay." She was crying, but she was rambling and Stacy was smiling.

Stacy lifted up the blanket and looked inside. "Well," she spoke, "I'm not exactly a hundred percent straight either."

"Yeah, I figured," Tegan said.

"So you need some changing down there," Stacy remarked.

"Why am I still bleeding?" Tegan huffed. More tears appeared. "Isn't it over? Aren't they gone?"

Sara took her hand again, gave it a little squeeze. "Honey, you know when a woman gives birth she kinda bleeds for awhile after it. Like, a month or a little bit more. It depends."

"But I didn't give birth. I miscarried." Tegan was crying once again.

"Yes, but I guess that's how nature works. You're going to bleed for a little over two weeks maybe. Right?" Stacy nodded. "It's your body getting rid of all the stuff that's not good for you." Tegan closed her eyes as a fountain of tears continued escaping their tired lids. "It's hard. Trust me, I know."

Sara's frail heart felt like a massive rock sitting inside her chest. At one moment she felt like it was a great burden she needed to get rid of, at another she felt like it's what she needed to hold on to in order to stay alive. At one moment it felt cold, frozen, and frigid; the other it felt soft, like melting snow; soon to be evaporating. She heard her wife cry for hours without a halt. It was pain, Tegan kept repeating. Sara did not know if her wife meant the physical or the emotional pain that was giving her such a hard time, but she could sense each sting and each sharp kick and each small twist, because she had gone through all of that and even worse.

Sara called Sonia to fill her in but the reaction she received was shocking to her. Well, it was not a shocking reaction from a mother, but it was shocking to Sara because she never expected her own mother to bawl and cry that much for her daughter's pain. Sonia cried on the phone. Sonia was hurt. Tegan cried as well.

"You're hurt and you're not by my side," Sonia said. "I can't take care of you and make you feel better." But she was there; Sara was there by her side. She knew Sonia probably blamed her for what was happening to her daughter at the moment. If it wasn't for her constant nagging, Tegan wouldn't be lying in the hospital right now. Tegan had probably told her mother about how much Sara had begged for a child.

Sara only felt worse by the minute.

"I need you, mom." If there was anything that was bound to break her heart more, it was this sentence. It was not only jealousy but it was guilt. She needed her mother not her wife. Everybody needed their mothers, everybody loved their mothers, and all mothers loved their daughters except her own mother that never made her feel safe, never made her feel normal and fine.

"Just tell me to come and I'll be here by tomorrow, baby."

"No," Tegan said. "I'll be fine. Sara's here. She's taking care of me." Tegan must have felt her fiery envy. For sure she understood it.

"Sara," Sonia called, "you're going to take care of my daughter. Take care of her, please. Don't leave her mourn on her own. My heart can't bear it."

"Of course I will." Maybe her voice was loud, maybe it was defensive, maybe it was full of anger; but she couldn't help it. That was her wife; of course she was going to take care of her. Tegan was the love of her life, her everything. "She's all I have," she said gently. "Of course I'll take care of her." Sara started to cry. Yes, those were tears, real tears; not frozen ones. "She's the only thing I have, the only one I have." Tegan's hand was on her left knee as she sobbed.

She wondered what it would have felt like if Evelyn treated her the same way once she lost Alice; she wondered what it would have felt like if her mother was gentle and caring. She wondered and remembered.

The screaming and the crying, the screaming and the crying—the screaming and the crying—she lay in her bed and blocked all the thoughts of the past two weeks. She practiced all types of mental exercises to forget the way Jack told her that their baby was gone. If it wasn't for him, she would be dead…like her daughter.

Fully nude, she lay on the white sheets of her bed; she bled on them and cried on them. She put her hand over the scar that still needed time to heal. She traced the long band-aid above her stitches as she tried to block the horrific scenes of the weeks before. It was just hard. She was there in her arms. Jack told her it was an illusion, a dream. Right now she really didn't know what it was. She was in too much pain to remember anyway. She put her hand between her legs. She still needed to heal, but she also needed to make another baby. When was Jack coming home?

Her mother was outside of the room, cooking or cleaning; whatever her mother did. She needed Jack. Why was he taking too long? He was probably getting drunk, touching other women. He had been coming back home drunk for the past two days, just so he could block her tears; she knew that. He also fucked other women, she could tell. She always could tell when he did that. He didn't hug her, he didn't kiss her forehead. He stayed away from her. Therefore, tonight she was going to present herself naked to him.

Ugly. Ugly and disgusting, but she was going to give him all her ugliness. It was for him. For him to take. Her breasts still oozed that white milk-like substance out of them, or maybe that was milk. She didn't know. She didn't care. Her body was prepared to receive not to lose. Her womb was crying, so was her heart.

When Jack arrived, he was as wasted as his wife had anticipated; however, he was capable enough to hurt her with his words and attitude. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Let's have sex." Sara sat on the mattress. Her belly was still big, her breasts were swollen and saggy, her hair was all over her face. "Let's make a new baby."

"You're bleeding all over the fucking mattress." Jack began taking his clothes off. "Go put some clothes on, Sara."

"Just fuck me," she pleaded. "Put a baby in me. Please."

"Are you losing it?" he shouted. "You must be fucking losing it."

"Please," she begged. "Get her back inside, please."

"You can't even carry. We have to try in-vitro again." She hopped out of bed and walked to him. "Sara, you're fucking disgusting. That's not you." His voice was loud, and her cries were louder. "Go put something on."

"My body disgusts you, doesn't it?" She hiccuped as she cried. "I am a failure."

"Goddamn it," he screamed. She jumped. "Look at you. You're fucking bleeding all over the damn place." She looked down between her legs. She didn't care. "You haven't even healed, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Her cries only increased. "You're so fucking disgusting right now. I can't stay here if you're gonna act like a fucking child. Let your mother take care of you and call me when you're fucking sane again."

Evelyn rushed inside the bedroom once the husband stormed out with raging anger. "What's with all…Sara, what the hell?" Her mother covered her mouth at the scene in front of her. "You showed up like that in front of your husband?"

"He doesn't love me. I'm not enough for him."

"Well, of course he doesn't love you," the mother rebuked. "A wife should always be decent. Should look pretty and clean. Should never show her weakness in front of her husband. No man wants to see the woman he married in such a revolting picture. No man wants to see his wife bleeding. A man wants to see his wife dolled up for him like crystal, Sara."

"Shut up, just shut up," Sara yelled back the same tone her mother was using with her. "Jack isn't like your fucking husband."

Barely finished her sentence, Sara was slapped across the face by her mother. "That's your father you're talking about."

She held her face with a hand and held her abdomen with another as she turned around and walked to the bathroom. Her mother followed. She didn't know why.

"You want compassion? You'll never get it with this attitude of yours. You want your husband to take care of you? He never will when you're looking like that. That's a fact, Sara, nobody wants to see a woman weak, because she's already weak. And that's too much for the eyes to take. You keep these faults in your body to yourself because nobody wants to see or help. Nobody. You keep that to yourself. You don't show it to anyone. Nobody wants to see that."

Sara sat on the closed toilet seat and cried.

"You have to get over it. Stand up and be the woman he married. You can't be weak. They don't like that." Her mother faced her by sitting on her knees on the floor. "When I gave birth to you, I was allowed to moan and cry for an hour, Sara. Then the next day I was terrific, as perfect as I ever been. He never sensed the pain or the hollowness in my chest. They don't understand and they never will. I kept it to myself and you should do that, too."

Relationships did not work like that, was her mother aware of that? Plus, Sara had lost her daughter, why couldn't they understand how hard that was? Why couldn't her mother let her mourn in peace?

"I hate you," Sara responded. "You don't love me. Nobody ever loves me. You don't love me and you don't comfort me like mothers do. I hate you." Evelyn slapped her again.

"You're the last person on earth who should accuse me of not loving them, Sara." Her mother held the soft red cheeks she had just hurt in both hands. "The last person on earth."

"You don't love me," Sara repeated.

"Shut up."

"You don't," Sara insisted. "You want me the way you imagined me not the way I am. You don't."

"You can't say that." Even though her mother hugged her tightly, she still couldn't feel the love her mother said she owned. "You don't know anything. You don't know how much I sacrificed for you," her mother's accent usually got thicker when she cried; Sara had forgotten.

"I lost my baby," Sara cried. "I lost my baby, mum. I lost her and nobody cares. Nobody cares. Jack doesn't care. They…they expect me to continue living as if nothing has happened. Nobody cares."

"You have to continue living as if nothing has happened, Sara."

Her mother did not care, too. It's as if she was speaking to a brick wall. Nobody was going to comfort her, to take care of her. She just needed a gentle hand to rub her aching wounds. She needed someone to tell her it was okay, she was not disgusting, she was beautiful. Nobody did.

Stacy coming in with a duffel bag she brought from Sara's house made Sara's memories reach to a stop. "I'm sorry I'm late," the nurse whispered. Tegan was asleep and Ella was asleep on Sara's lap. Stacy had gone to the married couple's house to bring Tegan some clothes. "I cleaned the blood in the bathroom. Didn't want you to go and see it on the floor."

"Was it too much?" Sara asked. "Ella asked me why Tegan's vagina was bleeding. Did she see everything?" Stacy sat on the couch next to her friend. Her eyebrows were furrowed as she stared at her sleeping daughter.

"She barely saw anything. What did you tell her?" Her daughter was starting to use the words she had been hearing Sara and her wife uttering each time they're around. It angered Stacy that Ella had managed to grasp some filthy words and some concepts that the mother did not want her to learn at that age.

"I told her that older women bleed from their vaginas sometimes and it's normal but the insides of Tegan were hurt and that's why she had to come to the hospital." Sara chuckled. "I think she took it pretty well."

"Wow, that kid." Stacy chuckled, too. "She's going to be traumatized."

"She won't. She's smart, Stacy."

"Yeah, I don't even know how she noticed it," Stacy said. "I heard Tegan screaming in the bathroom. I went in there and closed the door right away. Then I saw…" Stacy wiped the tears that suddenly began to escape her eyes. "God, Sara, it's like it was you. It's the same scene I saw when you were ill. Just a huge mass of blood on the floor. I knew immediately what that was." Sara started to cry, too. "She fainted when I told her. I helped her get her clothes off and got her in the bathtub. She regained her consciousness as I was trying to wash her up. I left the bathroom and returned with clothes. I covered her up quickly and helped her get in the car. She was half awake when I got her here."

"I cursed her," Sara said. "It's my curse, I swear. It's my fate and I got her into it. She's cursed now."

"Don't say that." Stacy smiled through tears. "You did not. She's fine, Sara. I promise you you're going to have the baby you want. Just give it time. Do you know how many miscarriages we deal with on a daily basis in the hospital? And then those same women I helped them with their miscarriage, I help them in labor after some time. As long as there's nothing wrong with her, you should be thankful."

"I am more than thankful. I just want her to be fine." Sara was caressing the hair of the four-year-old in her arms. "I just want her to overcome this now. That's what I want. I want her to feel alive again."

Tegan stayed in the hospital till the next day. The doctor examined her in the morning and her friends called in the afternoon. Emy had spent the entire night dialing up Tegan's phone; it was at home. Therefore, she called Sara and the professor filled her in on what had happened. Sonia called once again. Stacy checked up on Tegan as it was her job to do so.

Everyone was moving, carrying on with their days as if nothing had happened. Even Sara, her own Sara, moved and talked and tried her best to smile politely to the doctor that was examining her. Despite the bags under her eyes, the swollen lids and pale face, Sara still moved while the life inside Tegan seemed to have ceased itself since the day before. Something was not moving inside her brain. But she didn't even know she was carrying, why was it so hard? Why was this loss draining her? Sara kissed her forehead, allowed her to cry and grief; and she was thankful for that.

At home she slept for long hours while Sara cleaned the big house. Ella sat next to her on the mattress and colored. When she awoke, Ella was watching a muted cartoon.

"Tegum," Ella said excitingly. "Good morning, Teetee." Ella made her smile. She hadn't smiled in days. It's as if this child's broken accent was the cure for everything. She hugged the little girl and kissed her head.

"It's not morning," gently, Tegan said. "It's night, I guess."

"Oh." Ella covered her eyes. "But that's what mummy says when I wake up."

"Because you wake up in the morning, silly."

"Oh."

Tegan laughed. She never thought she'd laugh again, but she did. "I love you, little angel." The four-year-old giggled. She kissed Tegan's cheek.

"I love you, too."

"Oh, see, they're exchanging love," Stacy said as she and Sara walked in. Sara had a plate in her hand. "No need to worry."

"Tee, you need to get some food in your system." Sara's voice was quiet, broken, marred with disappointment.

"And, El, we need to go home," Stacy said. "Tegan, I'll come here before work to check on you tomorrow."

"The last meeting is tomorrow, I don't know how I'll go," Sara mumbled worriedly while helping her wife sit up.

"You have to go, Sara. I'm fine."

"I can't leave you alone." Sara's eyes were too light, maybe because she had been crying. When Sara cried, the color of her irises went a shade lighter, a bit softer.

"I can be alone."

Sara seemed distracted, too. She was caged in her own thoughts. She seemed lost, dazed. "Maybe I can call your friends while I'm gone."

"And then I'll take care of her once my shift is over," Stacy offered.

"Yeah," Sara said unenthusiastically. "That'll work."

Before Sara's friend was gone, Tegan asked, "Can you keep Ella for the night?"

"Yay. Yes, yes, yes, mummy."

Her wife looked at her with wonder in her eyes. "Please?" Tegan pleaded. "She makes me feel better." Tegan's tears returned to her eyes.

"I'm not sure you guys can handle her. I mean her sleeping routine…" Tegan was crying. "And she wakes up in the middle of the night scared. Sometimes she wakes up to go to the bathroom."

"Mummy, please." The child hugged the crying woman.

"Stacy," Sara said, "it's okay. I can handle her."

"Uh…okay. I guess…" Stacy had never spent a night without her daughter before. Even when she visited Sara in her darkest times, she had taken her daughter along. The bed would feel empty and strange without the kid, but she didn't say no. "…she has pajamas and clothes in here, yeah?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it," Sara said. "I'll call if something happens." But Stacy's apartment was thirty minutes away. It would take her time to get to Sara's house if anything happened, anyway.

Ella got inside the covers next to Tegan. They laughed and giggled while they colored together. Sara heard Tegan asking for the red crayon and Ella asking for the yellow one. It did not make her happy; it only made her more nostalgic. She needed to release her tears, but she couldn't. She prepared a cup of coffee for herself and a book she had no interest in reading. She began to take her clothes off when Tegan interrupted her action.

"Sare!" She gave Sara a questioning look that she was not able to understand until Tegan pointed at her semi-nude body. Sara looked at her underwear-clad form and shrugged. "There's a kid," Tegan whispered, but Sara didn't care.

"You sound like Stacy." Sara took off her bra. She walked casually to the closet to fish a large shirt she could put on to rest through the night.

Tegan's eyes widened when the little girl screamed Sara's favorite excuse, "They're just boobies."

"Yeahhh," Sara chanted with laughter. "That's my girl," she continued. "We all have boobies."

"Yeah." Ella's face was red and happy. Maybe her staying with them was a great idea to distract them both from their lonely thoughts. "Except me," shouted Ella, covering her face in embarrassment.

"You'll have them when you grow up," Sara said. She joined her wife and the little kid inside the covers. Her heart felt weary, but it was going to be fine.

"Stacy's gonna kill you," Tegan said. Sara leaned in to kiss her. Ella squealed watching their lips lock.

Sara woke up at five in the morning simply because her sleep was over. She tried her best not to make any sound; therefore, she used the bathroom outside of her room. She prepared a cup of coffee and cooked breakfast for the two girls still sleeping inside. She switched on the television to watch the morning news as she did daily. The sun shining from the large French window was charming. It looked hot and scorching, but it was breathtaking. She wanted to get up and walk to the balcony; she desired to enjoy the heat of the sun; she craved to be purified by its shining shimmer; she needed to be cleansed by its healing rays.

However, before she acted on her needs, Ella was at her feet crying her eyes out.

"What's wrong?" Sara picked up the crying toddler and placed her on her lap. Ella threw her head on Sara's chest. "El, honey, what's wrong?"

"I thought you're gone."

"Here I am. Where would I go?" Sara tried to look into her eyes but they were closed.

"I woke up and you were not there. Only Tegum."

"I'm right here, kid." She kissed Ella's forehead. "I woke up and came right here. You had a bad dream?" Ella nodded. "Tell me about it." Ella shook her head.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Let's go, let's go."

Stacy showed up as she had promised. Tegan was still asleep.

"I think she's fine. She woke up to go to the bathroom and slept again."

"Sure she doesn't need anything?" Stacy asked.

"No, don't worry. Ella staying here really made her relax."

"That's good."

"Keep her," Sara suggested.

"Ella?"

"Yes," Sara said. "Keep her here. Tegan's friends are gonna arrive at nine. Before I leave."

"Emy?"

"Uh, yes, Emy." There was a long pause. Sara watched Stacy think. "And Jeremy," she added. "Come on, for Tegan. Please?"

"But…what if?"

"They're grownups. Who do you usually keep her with?"

"Oh, my neighbor has a little girl her age she likes to play with. I actually keep her there almost every day."

"Linda?" Sara smirked.

"Yeah?" Stacy furrowed her brows. "How did you know?"

"I think your baby has a little crush on Linda."

"Shut up. They're kids." Sara was laughing. "They're babies."

"It's cute. She didn't shut up about her since the night before."

Eventually, Ella stayed at Sara's house. Tegan woke up and had breakfast in the balcony. The breeze made her relax. The sun helped her heal. It was the sun after all; it stitched the deepest of wounds.

When her friends visited, they all sat in the living room. They both hugged her, giving her a basket full of candy and flowers. Ella seemed happier about the candy than Tegan. Sara asked them to take care of Ella and Tegan before she left.

"Stacy's daughter," Emy said. "The spawn of Satan…literally."

Ella glared at the blue-eyed brunette and Jeremy gave her a look.

"Emy got boobies, too," Ella remarked loudly.

"What?" dumbfounded, Emy asked. Jeremy laughed. Tegen, on the other hand, could only smile. "That's probably something your wife had to do with."

"Yeah, you guessed it."

Her friends made her feel good, yes. Everyone was trying their best to distract her, to extinguish the flames in her chest, to erase the images in her head, to act as if nothing had happened. Emy and Jeremy did not bring up the miscarriage for a second. They said they were sorry and asked how was she holding up and that was it. She wanted them to care. She wanted them to talk about it. She wanted them to bring it. She did not want to be distracted because, simply, she was not. Her mind continued thinking about the loss. Why was it so hard? Why couldn't her heart stop crying? How could Sara handle it after holding her own child?

That's why Sara was obsessed, right?

Sara finished the series of meetings with a successful arrangement: the material was going to be reviewed and improved throughout the next two years, starting with the department that concerned her mostly; the English department.

She called Tegan twice to check up on her. Everything seemed fine, except the life in her lover's voice was still absent. God knows when was it going to be restored.

Before she could leave, the man she hoped would not approach her decided to walk right beside her and start a conversation she was not willing to participate in.

"It seemed like a great start for the semester for me. Everyone here is nice, you know." He chuckled. "Canadians are the nicest. I'm very excited to teach the Shakespeare course next semester." She knew what he was trying to do; he was trying to tease her, to piss her off, to make her speak. "So, umm, I noticed you rushed out with tears in your eyes two days ago. Just checking if everything's fine at home?"

It was unbelievable. He was unbelievable.

Sara stopped walking. Her eyes glared at him and her arms were folded against her chest. Her jaw was clenched. "Who do you think you are?"

"Excuse me?"

"You think we are friends? Buddies? What do you exactly think you are to me?"

"An Ex-husband." His voice got louder, meaner.

"Exactly." Hers, too. Shortly, she said, "You are only an ex-husband. Nothing more. If you want to speak to me, only speak to me when there is business. Stop texting me, stop calling me with whatever pet name you think will reel me back in, because that's the last thing that could happen on earth."

"I'm trying to make amends. Trying to be a friend. I've lived with you for years. I hold love for you no one can ever feel nor understand. I'm trying to be your friend, Sara."

"And I don't want your friendship." She was not going to break. She was not going to fall for his empty words. Tegan loved her more than he loved her, she was sure of that. And even if Tegan did not love her more, she still loved Tegan more than she could ever love Jack. "I want you to stay away from me and my family."

"Family?" His brows were up. His eyes were wide.

Sara almost cried.

Yes, family. So what? She lied. Tegan was her family. They were almost a small family. So what? She lied. She wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt her before. She wanted him to taste just a sip of the pain she had tasted. So what? "Yes, my family." Her voice was broken. Could he see the lie? The ache? The heartbreak? "The only reason you are running after me now is to quench your crushed ego now that I am happily married with someone I love and who, actually, loves me back. It happens to be a woman, and this makes it even harder for you that a woman can make me happier than you had ever done." Her words were daggers, her lips were a knife. Jack could not utter any word but a subdued apology before walking away with his head down.

Sara had finally won.

Why didn't it feel as great? Why?

Stacy arrived at quarter past five with Italian food for dinner. "Sara's going to be a little bit late, so why don't we eat?"

"Well, we're going now," Jeremy announced.

"No, stay," Tegan said. "Join us."

"Uh, I have this thing I need to go to," Emy said.

"And I promised Denise I'll have dinner with her," Jeremy said. "She's cooking."

"Oh, alright." Tegan felt thankful that Jeremy took a break from work just to visit her today. She didn't want to insist.

When they left, Stacy said, "They didn't wanna stay because of me." It was strange that she seemed hurt, but Tegan couldn't blame her friends for not wanting to stay with this woman around. Yes, Stacy helped her. She was nice to her. Yet, she was still Stacy.

"Don't say that," Tegan said. She had to. What would she say anyway?

"How long has Ella been asleep?"

"About 20 minutes. She ran a lot. Lost some energy."

"Was she a handful?"

"Not at all," Tegan answered. "She's amazing."

"Why is she so naughty when I'm around then?" Tegan shrugged. "I guess because she knows you're tired and she doesn't want you to hate her."

"Yeah," muttered Tegan.

"How are you holding up?" Tegan shrugged. "Still in pain?" Tegan nodded. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Tegan looked at her for a few seconds. She opened her mouth to speak but then only nodded. "There is?"

"I think."

"What is it?"

"Who's your gynecologist?"

"Uh…Why?"

"I'm asking you, answer me."

"Well, in Vancouver I had one. I rarely went because I can, you know, do the stuff on my own." Tegan widened her eyes. "I don't have a specific one here yet. Only got a physical once at Sara's GP. Didn't really try her gynecologist. I mean, I can pretty much do whatever I want down there. I know what's going on."

"How?" Tegan asked in a loud, surprised octave.

"Fifteen years experience in the gynecology department of the hospitals. I was the head of the nursing staff in that department before I came here.I have an MS in Women's Health Nurse Practitioner."

"Holy fuck," Tegan exclaimed. "You have a firking Masters of Science in that?"

Stacy nodded with a smile. She felt proud.

"But how come you live in a shitty apartment and work like…with a shitty salary?" Stacy sighed.

"I came all of a sudden here. It was a sudden move," she paused. "My husband used to take my money to get drunk." She looked at her plate. "I actually got promoted today."

"Really?" Tegan watched as Stacy's eyes became filled with tears. Tears of merriment. She wished she could join her, but she couldn't. Otherwise, she'll cry because of her loss. "That's amazing."

"It's because of you," Stacy whispered. "Guess my boss liked that I gave up my day off just to help."

"That's good news."

"It is," Stacy agreed.

"I need your help more now."

"You want to go to a different gynecologist?"

"I want to try having a baby without Sara knowing."

"What?" Stacy yelled in astonishment.

"I want to do the whole insemination thing after I heal and without Sara knowing. But I want your help. I want you to be with me," explained Tegan.


	22. Mama Said

**Content: Homophobia / Stereotypes / Emotional and physical abuse.**

* * *

Tegan was playing with fire and she knew it. However, she had to try. Something was strange in her system, in her heart, head, and womb. An unfamiliar sensation. A novel feeling. She wanted what she was not ready for. She was ready; however, to step over the red lines, beat Sara's crazy attempts, and do the impossible just to quench that disturbing, source-less thirst.

"I need your help more now," she told Stacy as they sat on the dinner table.

"You want to go to a different gynecologist?" the older woman asked.

"I want to try having a baby without Sara knowing," Tegan informed with masked confidence.

"What?" Stacy was surprised, Tegan could see it. Her jaw dropped, lips rounded and eyes widened.

"I want to do the whole insemination thing after I heal and without Sara knowing. But I want your help. I want you to be with me," explained Tegan.

"How?" Stacy shouted. "Tegan, are you even thinking?"

Tegan began to cry.

"Tegan," Stacy tried again. The younger woman was still sensitive, way too sensitive to be shouted at. "Listen to me. This is something you can only discuss with your partner, with the person you're trying to have a family with. You can't do it without their knowledge. It will hurt you and the relationship."

"She doesn't want to try again." Tegan was sobbing. "She said we'll adopt. I just want to try at the doctor's one last time. Please. She doesn't want it. She fears I'll lose the fetus again."

No wonder, Stacy thought. First loss had already been enough to deal with, Sara didn't need the second and she definitely would not welcome a third one. It would be devastating.

"I'm sorry, Tegan." Stacy put her head down. It was too agonizing to stare into the bloodshot hazel eyes of the young woman. "I can never be part of something like that."

"You don't get it. You never will."

"Tegan," Stacy tried again, "it's not that I don't get it. It's more of a relationship and trust thing. If Sara knows you're doing this behind her back, she'll be upset with you. Imagine if something horrible happened again? She'll blame me for agreeing, not you."

"You're being selfish," Tegan accused.

"I'm protecting you, Tegan."

"Shut up."

Stacy sighed. She couldn't do anything about it. Tegan was hurt. When people were sad, they said nonsense like that.

"You're only trying to protect yourself," Tegan continued with a sniffle. "You know I can do this without you, right?"

"Tegan," Stacy raised her voice.

"If I was Sara and I asked you to do the same, you'd do it in a heartbeat because you love Sara. You'd do anything for her."

Stacy stood up without saying a word. She began to clean the table while Tegan was still sitting. She figured that if she said something back, she would hurt Tegan more with her sharp tongue, and she had promised Sara she would be the care Tegan needed in such a hard time, not the opposite.

Tegan stood up and went to her room in tears. She tried to understand her torment, but even the deepest parts within herself couldn't comprehend why her misery was shadowing her. It was not the end of the world, she kept reminding herself.

It didn't work, though. She just felt disappointed in her body, in her ability, her womanhood, her expectations.

She turned around when Stacy came in with a glass of water and pills in her hands. "You have to take your medicine," whispered the raspy voice.

She sat up quickly, swallowed the two tablets, gulped a good amount of water and put her head down on the pillow again; almost like an angry five-year-old at her mother.

"When I realized Sara was giving you fertility drugs behind your back I was angry at her. I think you remember that too well. You know how wrong I thought that was, and that's the same thing, Tegan. What you're doing is exactly the same thing."

"No," Tegan objected with a choked sob. "It's not, because back then it was my body she was messing with, and now it is still my body that I want to mess with."

"It's not only your baby," Stacy said.

"Just leave me alone."

It seemed like there was no hope. Nothing Stacy could do was going to wipe those tears. She could not say yes to such a terrible idea. She would betray Sara if she did. Her heart stung, however. Seeing Tegan cry made her tear up, and, eventually, she began to cry. Was she becoming that sensitive? Was that a good or a bad thing? She rarely cried before, how come she was crying over the tiniest details nowadays? Perhaps her sorrow made it easier for her heart to feel other people's sorrows.

When Sara came home, they were both crying. Sara panicked.

"I left home and she was fine," the professor exclaimed. "She was fine when I left."

The friend wiped her tears. "She won't stop crying."

"Tegan?" Carefully, the older woman approached her wife. A hand was put on a sticky, tear-stained cheek. "What's wrong, darling?" Her voice was soft and creamy. Tender.

"I'm hurt," Tegan answered.

"How hurt? Are you in pain? Want to go to the doctor?"

"No." Tegan turned around. She looked at the professor and swallowed. "I'm sad."

"I know." Sara leaned in to give her a small kiss, but she knew this was not going to help a broken chest. "It will get better." Tegan shook her head. "I promise you."

"I don't feel good; please don't tell me things are going to be good." The tears were plentiful and the pain was sucking out whatever remnants of positivity and prosperity they had carried back with them from Italy. All hope flew out of the window. All joy went away with the days. How could one morning ruin their present pleasure and turn it to ashes? Sara didn't imagine going back home to a miserable wife after the happiness they had experienced the previous month. "Just let me feel bad. Let me cry it out."

So Sara let her feel bad for these short moments as she recalled her own version of words to her mother. Tegan was lucky she had her by her side. If Jack only had taken care of her the way she was taking care of Tegan, things would have been different. Maybe they would not have been together, but at least she wouldn't have to feel like a building was collapsing on top of her small body whenever she was around him. At least she wouldn't have reprimanded him today.

Tegan's hands were rubbed and her face was kissed constantly in order to be calmed down. She was softly whimpering now. Stacy was still sitting in the bedroom with arms folded and a look too hazed to decipher.

"Stace?"

The friend looked up as if she had been awakened from a deep sleep.

"Want to sleep over?"

"Uh…" She looked up at the opened door. Her daughter was still asleep outside. "I don't think so. I think I should leave you alone to talk. But…uh…" She looked at Tegan's red face on her friend's lap. "I think you should take her to the doctor tomorrow to have another checkup. Her doctor, preferably. She should feel comfortable."

"Yeah, I was going to." Sara paused after another kiss on Tegan's temple. "Something happened?"

Stacy nodded and whispered that she would inform her friend later. Sara tried to conceal her concern.

"I want to shower," voiced Tegan, getting up. "I feel dirty."

"Now?" asked her wife hesitantly.

"Yes."

"Okay." Sara got up, leaving the other woman hugging the white, fluffy pillow. "I'll help you in."

"No, no," Tegan got up, too. "I'm alright. I can help myself."

As soon as Tegan was inside the bathroom, Sara began to investigate about what had happened before she returned. Question after another till she was able to steal the words from Stacy's mouth.

"I really shouldn't be saying what she said but I'm worried, Sara. I want you to talk to her but indirectly. Don't confront her. The idea is carved in her head now. She got upset with me for not helping. I didn't say yes because of the reasons I just mentioned before. I can't interfere with something that I have nothing to do with, you know."

"Yeah," Sara said with eyes wide, as if she was thinking of something else, way too distracted to listen, staring vaguely into space. "Yeah," she continued with a tear rolling down her pale face, proving that she indeed was sharply present; heard everything her friend had said.

"I never thought things could go this far," Sara announced. "I am a fool. I hurt her."

"You're not."

"I really am," insisted Sara.

"Shut up," answered Stacy. "It's just a hard time. She just thinks the same thing that happened to you will happen to her."

"I think she needs to get back to therapy."

"Of course she needs to. Her mind is gonna destroy her if she stays this depressed."

"We'll overcome this, right?" Sara asked, expecting the answer, not sure about its credibility.

"Of course you will." Stacy laughed. "You overcame way worse. What's wrong with you? This is just a hard time for her, Sara. She needs support and she's getting it. Don't worry." Stacy stood up. "I should leave now. Call me if you want anything, alright?" She was given a silent nod before she was led to the door with her daughter in her arms.

Before falling asleep, Sara gave her wife a foot massage. She told her to call her mother to assure her she was fine; Sonia had called while she was in the shower. As Tegan talked to her mother for half an hour, Sara rubbed her feet, kissed her ankles and cuddled with her. In the morning they visited the medical center. Both, Dr. Wilson and Dr. Anderson, were shocked to learn what had happened to Tegan. According to both she was fine as fine could be. It was just not the suitable time, they supposed. Tegan rolled her eyes whenever they told her to hang in there. She was ordered to continue taking iron supplements and vitamins.

Tegan did not want to visit her therapist after leaving the medical center. "I'm fine," she said shortly. "I'm just hurt; I just need time to recover. I don't want a therapist to help me, I just need time." Sara could not do anything about it. After all, it was her wife's decision whatever she wanted to do with her mind and body, not hers.

Nevertheless, when they got home, Tegan collapsed on the couch and burst into tears. Her wails were too loud, too worrisome—way too anguished not to cry listening to. Sara sat right beside her. She held her head and put it on her lap. She caressed her flaming, rosy cheeks and stroked her hair. Tears kept rolling out of the younger woman's eyes. Sara could do nothing but be the moral support she promised herself she would always be to her wife.

They sat there for hours. Sara would get up often to bring food or coffee then would get back. The tears had not left her wife's eyes for a single second. At one moment Sara was haunted by the terrifying thought that her lover could go blind due to excessive crying. She shook the thought away when Stacy called. Sara told her Tegan was not fine.

Yes, she was invited over. Perhaps Ella was going to change the gloomy mood and make it better. It seemed that all Tegan wanted to do was cry.

Tegan fell asleep before the friend and her daughter came. She fell asleep on Sara's lap, so the professor found it hard to get up or change her position in case she might disturb her wife's solace. She toyed with her phone. One app led to another and she found herself dialing up the person she thought she would never run to in such moments.

When Evelyn picked up, she was panting. "Sara," she chanted, "are you alright, my dear?"

Sara did not answer. _Why?_ She looked at her phone and swallowed. Why? She was out of options? She was looking for some unnecessary lecture about God's will? Why? Why did she run to the person who blocked her when she needed help most? Why was she an idiot? Why was she weak, dependent, a child that never learned how to grow up? In the dark, she searched for the fire that would burn her. Why?

"I've been having terrible nightmares about you," her mother said. "Are you okay? Your partner is in those dreams, too. It's like…" Her mother's accent was thick, too thick to comprehend that if it was someone else other than Sara, they would think it was nonsense. How come her mother had never grasped the accent her father had? How come her French accent became thicker after he had died?

Sara burst into tears. Tears she did not know were locked up inside in such an abundance that she awoken the sleeping woman. Tegan's eyes opened wide, staring at her in fright. Her gasps were frantic. The mother kept asking why and the wife continued staring at her without saying a word.

"My wife had a miscarriage, mother." Tegan's eyes softened; the lids covered the pupils and the irises became lighter in shade. Her hand reached Sara's shaking one. She squeezed it gently as her heart was squeezed inside her own chest. She felt the sting climbing up from her left wrist and taking over her entire body. Sara was speaking to the mother she hated about their loss. Did she really hate her mother or was that just a defensive act?

"I can't take it, mum. Seeing her in this pain, I can't take it. Why?" Sara cried. "Why is this my fate? Am I not meant to have a child of my own? Do you think that's what it is?" Tegan shook her head. She also could hear the mother saying no. Her heart rested at the calm words she could hear from the phone.

"Then what is it that I mess up? Why do I hurt those I love?" Tegan squeezed more. She mouthed a simple 'no' because that's all she could say. She was too tired to speak. Too exhausted to soothe someone's pain when she needed someone to soothe her own pain.

"Mum." Sara sniffled. Tegan watched her complexion closely. She studied her red nose and chapped lips. "Jack is back and he won't leave me alone. I hate this man. I hate him and I hate the way you made me feel whenever I remember that day." When their eyes met, Tegan could see there were lots of things that Sara had kept from her. "You told me it's my fault he left when I was facing the worst pain in my life." Tegan realized Sara had never told her much about that mother. "Now my wife is dealing with this and I can see the pain, I understand it. Do I understand it because I went through it or because I'm a better human than him?"

Tegan heard the mother apologizing. The sound was loud but the accent was too thick to decipher. Tegan knew the mother was French. She did not know her voice was that raspy. She did not know that this mother Sara had written about and said the harshest of comments about could be that soft when talking to the daughter who blamed her for her misery. Perhaps it was a false picture, perhaps Evelyn changed.

Tegan painted a picture of that woman. She could look like Sara. Perhaps she was as short. Brown hair. Lots and lots and lots of wrinkles. Hazel eyes, maybe? Tegan wished to see a real picture of this woman but Sara said she did not have any of her.

Sara's heart was pounding. She woke Tegan up and could not close her mouth. Her heart was gushing out all the poison like water running into a desert. The more she talked, the better she felt, but still nothing fruitful grew out of this revelation. Her mother calmed her down, her wife held her hand but something was missing.

It was just not her loss and she was the one taking the role of the martyr. She hated how selfish she felt at this particular moment.

"Out of evil there can come good, Sara." God, she knew these cheesy expressions were going to be used, but she needed them like an alcoholic sipping his last bottle of wine. "I got pregnant with you, you know, without even trying. I was a seventeen year old girl. I didn't know anything. I was innocent. I was on a trip with my family. I didn't know the language. I was barely good in English. I knew how to say yes, how to say no, how to be polite and smile." Sara had heard this story before. She was told the story first when she was sixteen. The night she had been caught having sex with Stacy. It was after she was beaten up by her father. Her mother told her the story but it was far less detailed than the second time. It was the night her mother found her naked after her miscarriage, when Jack left her and only came back a week later.

She decided to open the speakers for Tegan to hear. Her wife was too silent and too reposed.

"I didn't know this trip was going to change my life forever. I followed my mother like a little girl everywhere. Strange men looked at me in strange ways that the people in Paris never did. I don't know why. My mother always thought my green eyes allured men." Evelyn chuckled. Tegan smiled. Sara nodded. "You know the story."

"No." Sara shook her head. "Say it." She didn't want to tell her that Tegan was listening, so she said, "It makes me feel better."

"I know." Sara could feel the sudden happiness in her mother's tone. She could sense the smile. "That's why I always tell it when you are going through hard times."

"Yeah. Continue." But Sara wanted her to retell it so Tegan could hear it.

"It felt good to be hit on in the streets. I felt like a princess. A beauty queen."

"Well," Sara interrupted, "you are quite gorgeous." Who could deny that her mother had the beauty of the angels? In her teens Sara felt jealous of her mother's growing beauty. Everybody at her school questioned if she was truly her mother. She wanted to punch her guy friends for joking that way.

"I guess your father thought the same." Sara did not reply even though the mother paused. Sara's eyes met Tegan, and for the first time in hours, they both smiled. "He was just smarter, more deceiving, and more willing to enjoy his time with a beautiful woman than any other man in the street." Sara sighed.

"We were on the beach. I was wearing a lime green, one piece swimsuit and a hat to protect me from the sun. Your father was with his friends. Handsome people. He was the best looking. I did not mind a handsome man looking at me." Sara rolled her eyes and Tegan, for the first time that morning, almost laughed. "It was a dare, I discovered later, when he asked me if he could help me apply my sun cream. My mother glared at him and my dad cussed him out. I could barely understand his request to know what was going on. He was not one to give up your father."

"Sure," Sara said uninterestingly.

"He chased me to the ladies room. There was a little area where they had bathrooms. He chased me there and I was frightened. He gave me his number. I was angry. Who did he think he was? Then he said that he had never seen someone as beautiful as me and that his heart was beating for the first time. My naïve brain was taken by surprise, Sara. I fell for him with a snap. I don't know why or how but I just kissed his cheek like I've seen in the movies, took the number and ran away with my face red and my guilt rising."

"The whore genes run in the family." Sara thought it would be funny, but the mother did not laugh. "I'm just joking, mother."

"No, you're right."

"Mum, it's a joke." Sara rolled her eyes and Tegan muffled a laugh. Who knew the mother was going to do a better job than Ella?

"I called him from the hotel's phone and he picked up. I did not understand much but I understood he asked for the address. I told him the name of the hotel and he arrived there within half an hour. Of course when I called my parents were out by themselves, and so when he came they were still out. I was shitting my pants."

Sara giggled like a little kid. "This is the first time you add this part."

"Well, now I curse, don't you know?"

"Seems like you're more free without him."

"I'm discovering myself for the first time."

"Continue," Sara said when Tegan yawned. Her eyes were closing again. She wanted desperately to kiss her.

"You know the rest. I hate narrating that part. But yeah, he came. I let him in my room. He kissed me on the lips. That was the first kiss. First kiss led to first fuck."

That was the first time her mother used that word, too. Sara remained silent.

"Next thing I know I am knocked up. My parents almost killed me. We were back in France when I discovered it. We came here, called him again. I was sure he would never pick up but he did. We arranged to meet. He thought he'd only meet me, but my father and mother were there. My father threatened him. He was young, he felt scared so he told his parents. And the arrangement was to make us get married. And that's how I have you." Tegan squeezed her hand again. "Out of evil there can come good. I'm glad that I have you. If you only have the memories I have of you when you were little. How protective I was, how attached." Her mother had told her stories but she could never imagine them. She remembered some parts vaguely. She remembered how attached the mother had been. How annoyed it made her father feel. "And then when you were older we were dying to have another. Each time resulted in different kind of failure. I had three miscarriages, Sara. The worst one was when you were thirteen. You never knew I was pregnant, you never noticed. I never told you. When you were thirteen you asked me why am I gaining so much weight one time. But you didn't care to know why. It did not cross your mind. That's when you spent two weeks with Rita and Stacy. That's when I miscarried a son at 24 weeks."

Tegan's eyes became teary again and so were hers. She had never known. The shock was present on both faces and the silence was permeating in the room.

"What I want to say is that you should not worry and blame it on yourself. I got pregnant with you from the first try and when I wanted another I could not get it. And your wife might not get it from the first try but she might bring you many children in the future. It's not always the way we want but I'm more than glad that it ended up the way it did, because in these years, I discovered who your father was. Without such obstacles, I wouldn't have known how much of a terrible person he was."

Evelyn wiped her own tears. She was sitting in a coffeehouse, working on an article she was writing for a magazine. Her daughter did not know she started to publish articles now. Sara had taken her love of literature from her mother. In fact, her mother made her read history and literature books as soon as she was twelve. Sara hated that first, but soon enough she was the literature geek her mother wanted her to be. Everything Evelyn wanted; her daughter became until she developed a personality of her own in her teenage years, and discovered that life was much bigger outside the bosom of her mother.

After the call was over, the mother sipped her last bits of coffee and inhaled the smoke from the cigarette. Who was she becoming? Her daughter would be disappointed, but also smugly proud to see her doing everything she had preached against. Well it was Richard who decided what they should do with their lives and she blindly followed through because she always feared staying alone without financial aid, education, or love if he left her and her daughter.

Dozens of memories were situated in her brain. She wished she could transfer them to her daughter. She wished her daughter could see the recollections that played constantly in the back of her mind.

She remembered the first time she and Richard met their daughter after she had given birth to her earlier than the due date. Her tears were flowing because that was the first time her husband had told her he loved her. He kissed her cheek as she held the infant. She never thought that such a silly arrangement could result in love. She told him she loved him, too. Indeed she did. He was still young and nice back in 1980. They decided to call the girl Sara like her husband's mother. She was a kind lady who took care of Evelyn throughout the pregnancy.

Soon after birth Sara had become the epitome of hope and happiness in Evelyn's life. She spent her days alone in a small rental apartment taking care of her baby as her husband worked two jobs and finished college just so he could live with the new circumstances they were put in. His family was not quite rich, but it was not poor either. He was independent, however. It was a good thing because he always knew how to get money when they needed something extra for Sara.

Sexual interaction had been rare until Sara was able to sleep longer than half an hour at nights before waking up requiring to be fed. Evelyn did not ask for any sexual contact since her first time. They had sex a few more times once they were married, but it soon stopped once her body began to change during the pregnancy. She was too shy to say much and he was not one to push her past her limits in the past days. However, soon after Sara was three months old his irritation began to be vocalized. First, he groaned at night when his daughter awakened them and the wife spent the rest of the night feeding her on the mattress. Soon after, he asked Evelyn to move the baby to the nursery.

"It's why we have one, you know." Evelyn did not like that. She did not listen to him. Sara stayed sleeping beside them on the bed.

"You know, I do want to touch you at nights. Can't you at least move her to the nursery in those days?"

Evelyn could not say no so she moved the baby to her crib in the nursery, finished her business with her husband, took her pillow and went to sleep on the couch in the nursery. Looking back, she believed it was then when problems began to sprout. Perhaps it was her fault. She always distanced herself away.

But it was not her fault. She just did not love him. She said she did, but she lied to herself. Of course back then when she was eighteen she did not know she was lying to herself. To her it was just protectiveness over Sara, and part of it was; however, she really did not love him.

She met Tara and her infant Stacy in a little club she joined in the neighborhood. It was called, "Fun Mum Time." She remembered chortling when Richard got her the brochure and encouraged her to join instead of sitting alone with her six months old baby the entire day. She was still learning English. Her accent was pretty thick. She understood most things, could not pronounce them properly. Her speaking skills were getting better but they were still not perfect. Her husband and mother-in-law helped abundantly during her pregnancy, but once she had Sara, she isolated herself from social interaction until she joined the silly club where mothers gathered in Tara's house twice a week and shared parenting stories. Tara was a mother of two: Stacy and her older brother Arnold. Arnold was three and Stacy was five months old. Tara was in her late twenties, ten years older than Evelyn. She was the person who helped the youngest mother in the group most. She showed her how to properly breastfeed. Apparently she had been doing it wrong the entire time. She showed her how quickly she could put her daughter to sleep, how to multitask while carrying her daughter around.

Sara hated the formula and so the mother had a hard time convincing her to drink the milk she pumped and put in the bottle. Richard hated that part because his wife was growing more attached to the tiny human she carried around night and day, sang to, and played with; while he was left alone even at nights. She would spend the night playing around and giggling with Sara in the nursery, until they both slept on the carpeted floor after one-year-old Sara took her fair share of breast milk.

At mornings Evelyn experienced with cooking. She opened a recipe magazine and copied the exact steps. First attempts were not that successful but soon enough her meals became the reason her husband looked forward to eating dinner at home with his small family. Two-year-old Sara sat with them on the kitchen table, refusing to digest any type of mashed and squashed food in her mouth. She was old enough to chew, she had teeth. She refused to with a sudden outburst of tears and anger, however. The mother would feel bad for her; she'd take her to her room and feed her while singing the sweetest of melodies till the child fell asleep.

This pattern only made the two of them more dependent on each other. Sara could not perform the simplest of actions kids in the club Tara created did. When they played, she refused to join them unless Stacy forced her to. When they ate their snacks, she could not do that so she ran to her mother and patted her breasts. The mother would look at her friends in embarrassment before yielding to the child's needs.

When they moved to their new house, Sara fell off the stairs one morning. Evelyn almost had a heart attack looking at the scar underneath her daughter's lower lip. She cried alongside her daughter. They did not have mobile phones and she did not know what to do; therefore, she ran to Tara's house, which was only few blocks away from her home. The friend helped her clean the scar and calmed her down.

She had promised her husband she was going to stop breastfeeding Sara. However, because she felt bad for her, she decided to continue feeding her.

When Richard came back he was angry and worried he had not been informed earlier.

"We have a landline at the office, you know," he yelled at his wife. Sara was sitting on his lap. It was a rare occasion because he was not as affectionate. At times Sara squealed and clapped when he got home with a small gift for her. Other times she'd be following the mother around, acting up the same mood the mother projected. When the couple fought, Sara would hold her mother's leg and glare at her father the entire time. When they were happy, she would sit between them and pretend she understood whatever they were watching. At other rare times, when they became affectionate in front of her, she would feel jealous and would sit on her mother's lap asking to be fed. She would not give up until she was listened to.

Tara helped her potty train her daughter. She tried her best to let her go of the habit of giving in to Sara's will when she wanted to be breastfed, but there was no hope.

"She's three; she's old enough to eat. It does not look nice in front of people, Eve. It's affecting your relationship with Richard, too," Tara told her.

"I can't just let her go of it. She likes it. I can't take it away from her. I feel bad."

Slowly, Evelyn convinced her daughter to digest more food than she did milk, but she still did not cut the daily milk supply. Before falling asleep, Sara demanded to be fed. When she felt sad and happy, too.

"Your breasts look disgusting," Richard said one day when she was changing her clothes. He had never insulted her nor her body. Sara was five then. Everybody made fun of the fact she still breastfed the child. The child was made fun of in the club by other kids, too.

When Evelyn heard that comment she did not get a night's sleep. She went to Sara's room and cried in silence. Everyone wanted to detach her from her child and she hated that, but she had to stop because her husband thought she looked revolting and that was the last thing she wanted him to think. She was raised to be a proper lady and she had to act like one. She was going to raise her child as one.

She often wondered how her daughter would end up once she grew up. She hoped she could stand for herself unlike her, she hoped her kid would be smart enough to know the right and wrong unlike her, she hoped her daughter would be strong; a fighter; always ready for a fight.

Somehow, once her daughter showed signs of empowerment, Evelyn felt the conflict growing between them.

Sara opened the door for Stacy and Ella after her phone call was over. Ella held a small brown teddy bear and Stacy held a white box in her hand.

"Fresh macaroons from the oven," Stacy announced. "And Ella decided to get Tegan a teddy bear."

"Oh, thanks. Tee loves bears."

Tegan was still lying on the couch. She looked at the friend and the kid with a blank face. No smile was to be shown, no motion.

Stacy frowned. "That bad?" Sara nodded with a sigh.

The child kissed Tegan on the cheek before putting the stuffed animal in her hands. Tegan smiled faintly then hugged Ella. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Sara had been telling her about her youth and her relationship with her mother. Sara only told her because she asked after that phone call.

When Sara was six, Evelyn had her first miscarriage. Sara was at school when it happened. The mother did not even know she was pregnant. The signs of the miscarriage were quite similar to those Tegan had faced. As soon as the mother noticed the eerie signs, she called Tara and they both went to the hospital. That day Sara spent the night with Stacy at Tara's place. Evelyn spent it at the hospital with Richard shocked and scared.

Only two days after, Evelyn was back on her feet, acting as if nothing had happened. She smothered her daughter with affection and kisses to push away the terrible feeling that dwelt in her chest.

Sara hated telling her about her days at school, so Evelyn asked the teachers. Sara often cried alone in recess or in classes. She asked for her mother the first few weeks and refused to talk to anyone other than her English teacher because her hair looked like her mother's and she played soft music that made her feel happy like her mother did. Evelyn was told about that by the principal.

The mother watched her daughter growing up, becoming more distant but more attached every day. Sometimes she found Sara asleep between her and her husband in the middle of the night, she would hug her and go back to sleep, other times Sara refused to tell her why she cried or why she was angry at something. She felt annoyed knowing her daughter resorted to bottling up her emotions.

Richard used to cut Sara's hair every two weeks to match his own hairstyle till Sara turned nine. Her mother began to fight with her about her hair and how a girl should have nice long hair. At first Evelyn blamed her husband that her daughter loved having short hair and wearing boys clothes. When Sara turned five, she got closer to Richard, which only sparked up a special kind of jealousy in Evelyn's chest that made her go against any quest her daughter sought regarding such matters that dealt with attire and looks.

"She looks like a boy. She acts like a boy. I know how these things start, Richard. I have a cousin who loves girls. That's how they start. I don't think you want your daughter to be like that, do you?" Evelyn told him in the bedroom when Sara was asleep.

"I'd disown her," he answered while his eyes focused on the television. "She can't be like that. She's my daughter and she is straight. Don't worry about her."

"She doesn't like to wear dresses," complained the mother.

"That's not a big deal. She's a child." Richard looked at his wife. "I only started to take her with me to get these haircuts and went shopping for clothes with her because I needed to bond with her. You guys were too close and I felt like I didn't know my daughter. I didn't mean for her to look like my little boy. I just didn't know what clothes girls wore. I told her what she liked and she pointed at certain things in the boys section and I felt like it was not a big deal. I didn't mean for it to be a habit. I can talk to her."

"Don't bother. I already did many times. She's such a stubborn child," answered Evelyn with a yawn. "Richard?" she asked again and her husband hummed, his attention back on the television. "You want a little boy?"

He looked at her with shock and excitement that she had never witnessed on his eyes before. They sparkled the way her daughter's did when she made her famous fruits and chocolate waffles in the morning. Right then she realized how much her little girl looked like her husband. "Yes, I wish to have one."

Evelyn had her second miscarriage few months after. It was the middle of the night. Richard woke her up and took her to the hospital. She cried on her way there. She was in her third month of pregnancy. Sara was sleeping over at Cousin Audrey's house.

Problems between Sara's parents grew thicker after that miscarriage. Richard started getting home late. He started to become angry. He criticized anything the mother and her daughter did around the house. He was also having trouble with his work. That's when they moved to a new house, a smaller one, in a cheaper area. Evelyn cried everyday that summer while reciting anguished poems. Sara looked at her from the corner of her eyes while reading the books she picked from her mother's selection.

"Mum, there's blood in my underwear," Sara blurted out with a sob one morning in the summer of 1991. Evelyn was cooking in the kitchen. She dropped her spatula and looked at her daughter with a face exchanging colors of fear, shock, and embarrassment. "It's been happening since yesterday and it keeps on increasing."

"Oh, shit. This is way too soon. I forgot this was going to happen." Sara looked at her with a blank face, teary eyes staring in wonder. "Let's um…let's go to Tara's house, she'll deal with this better than me."

Evelyn realized that she had failed in communication when she couldn't perform the simplest of tasks any mother could do when her daughter reached that age. The more time passed, the more helpless she felt.

One day a year after when they were in the pool Sara refused to wear her swimsuit or swim with everyone. She wore a big shirt and had long hair. Stacy and Audrey were already in the pool while Sara sat alone in the sun, squinting at the women in their bikinis and glaring at her mother.

When she got home, Evelyn scolded her. "It was embarrassing. Why can't you be like all the other kids? Why can't my daughter be a normal girl?"

Sara cried and shouted, "I'm not gonna wear that swimsuit. Everyone would look at me."

"Are you sick or something? Nobody would look at you."

"No, everybody already does stare at my chest in school. It's annoying. I hate it."

Then Evelyn figured it out on her own. She gasped and walked closer to her daughter. "You want a bra?" Sara did not respond. "Oh, boy. We probably should get you a bra. I forgot about that. Your breasts are getting big. I noticed that the other day but I didn't say anything because your father was around."

"Just don't go telling Aunt Tara. I can get a bra on my own."

"Why not? She can help us."

"I can help my own self. I don't need her help. It's you who needs it." And that was the first time Sara responded to her mother in a way that made Evelyn cry in her bedroom at the end of the day. She was losing her daughter. She was not following the right direction. Her daughter noticed her errors and criticized them.

Stacy narrated stories about her and Sara, her mother and Sara's mother. Surprisingly, they made Tegan chortle and giggle. She was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket. Her head rested on her wife's shoulder while she ate the fruit salad that Sara and Stacy had just prepared together. Ella was sitting next to her, eyes on the cartoon on the television. It was getting late and yawns were on each face in the room, but the atmosphere was cozy enough to make them comfortable through the hours of languor.

"Why don't you sleep over, Stace?" Sara suggested again. "We can just continue talking till we pass out. We can have some nice breakfast in the morning since it's your day off tomorrow."

"I'm not sure, Sare."

"Why not?"

"Ella…"

"Oh come on," Sara cut her off. "Stop making excuses. Ella enjoys it here and so do you."

"Yeah, stay," Tegan added. "It's nice having company here," she continued. Sara smiled at her. "It makes me forget." Sara's smile faltered.

To fight that conflict that was growing stronger each day, Evelyn decided she needed to have another kid to get off her daughter's back. She and Richard tried again and this time they were more careful.

Sara was twelve, almost thirteen in a month but she did not know nor notice that her mother was pregnant. She noticed the sudden changes in the relationship of her mother and father. They were more affectionate than before. They giggled and joked. Her mother's face grew red when he whispered something in her ears as they sat together to watch a movie. Such actions disturbed Sara. It was some type of sensation that she could not decipher, she hated to think that it was jealousy but part of it was.

She watched her mother gain weight and getting more beautiful each day. She still did not notice her mother had been pregnant. Evelyn did not tell anybody. She only told Tara and Richard. She wore big clothes and it was hard to notice because she was a petite women. Everybody thought she was gaining weight, even Sara.

"Why do you like to hide your nice figure underneath these baggy hoodies, honey?" Evelyn was tidying up her daughter's closet while Sara did her homework on the bed. The mother noticed how her daughter's sense of style had not changed since she was young. She always hid behind big androgynous clothes. "Now you have bras, so what's the excuse?"

Sara rolled her eyes and huffed in irritation. "I hate my body."

"Why?" asked Evelyn in shock.

"I just do." Sara shrugged.

"You're nice and petite. You have a feminine body."

"Exactly. I have a woman's body. I hate that. I hate my breasts. They're big. None of the girls at school have such breasts." Evelyn laughed. "Plus, you're doing the same now. You're hiding how much you gained weight under big clothes, you don't get to talk." Evelyn laughed again.

Sara and Stacy were curious teenagers. Whenever they visited each other, they watched R rated movies that were placed in a PG-rated movie box. Stacy was sneaky and smart. She would steal the films from her brother so she and Sara would watch secretly. Of course they only took the chance when the mothers were too busy to notice.

They blushed at the heavy kissing scenes, the nudity, the sex scenes and vulgar language. They had lots of questions and they did not mind asking them.

"How is it nice to have sex?" Sara wondered loudly. "It's just a penis going into a vagina and, like, where's the magic? That's creepy."

"Well, they have to make babies," Stacy answered as if she had given her friend the best answer; the perfect solution. "What I don't get is that why do they make noises?"

"I heard it hurts," Sara said.

"I just can't imagine it."

"I could understand kissing, though. It must be nice." Stacy raised her eyebrows. Sara's face turned red. "I've never kissed anyone." She shrugged.

"You're kidding."

"I'm not." Giggled Stacy. "Who did you kiss?"

"Owen in grade five. He kissed me in the playground."

"Eww." Sara's face scrunched up in disgust. "He's disgusting." She paused then sighed, looking dreamily at the screen. "Why am I even talking? Nobody likes to kiss me. I don't even like to kiss these boys."

"I can kiss you, Sara." Sara looked at her with furrowed brows. Stacy shrugged. "I'm your friend. I can show you how it feels. A lot of friends practice these things together for, like, the real deal, you know. Kissing, sex, you know. Of course I don't mean sex, but I think I can use some practice-kissing."

And that's how Stacy and Sara became closer. It started with a kiss; however this kiss was devoid of all feelings on Sara's part. She enjoyed it, she liked it, she wanted more, but she did not feel any type of spark. She was kissing her best friend and that was a major turn on, period.

Through Evelyn's pregnancy, Richard showed a great amount of care and affection towards his wife, which only made Sara depart herself more from her parents. She still did not know her mother was carrying but she sensed the peculiar change in the mood whenever she was around them. They talked in riddles and whispered abundantly that she thought they were going to move.

It's not that Evelyn did not want to tell Sara about the new baby, she just wanted it to be a surprise because just a year before Sara had asked her why she didn't have any sibling. Evelyn was excited that she could not ever imagine her terrible fate. She miscarried a boy at six months.

She had had a fever that morning before she drove Sara to school. She came back and had breakfast. She called her husband and informed him that she felt her entire body going numb. Since Richard was stuck at work, Rita came to see what was happening. It was a little bit too late because Evelyn, just like her daughter many years after, had begun the miscarriage.

It was a rough time for the family. Sara was not told at all. Tara kept the child in her house for two weeks while the parents got through their loss. It was hard for Sara because she was sure something was happening around her, secrets were kept from her, the distance was widening between her and her mother. She spent those days kissing Stacy and daydreaming about the boy she had a crush on. However, her heart thumped and drummed for her mother.

Sara was told that her parents were trying to reconcile their conflicts and issues. When she went back home, her mother was cold and angry. Whenever Sara said something, her mother responded with a comment that would hurt the teenage girl. The parents fought again to an extent that made Sara run away to Stacy's house in the middle of the night two times without getting caught.

In 1994, when both girls were fourteen, Sara's grandmother died, so her parents visited Paris for the funeral. Stacy spent too much time with Sara, watching their films and discovering each other's bodies. When they were fourteen, they lost their virginity to each other.

Everything changed after that because Sara began to notice the differences in her body and in her sexuality. Life was confusing; life was not quite fun anymore. Her parents were her worst rivals and sex was the most preferable escaping method. If sex was not available, she relied on masturbation. She discovered many things about herself that scared her. She loved touching her body and she loved touching Stacy's. She also loved kissing men and loved when they touched her skin. She was changing and her mannerisms were changing.

"I received some complaints from your school today," Evelyn informed her daughter over dinner when she was fifteen. Richard was working late that evening. "I didn't want to tell your dad so he wouldn't yell at you."

Sara rolled her eyes (a habit she was using more often now). "About what?" she asked, even though she already knew.

"Skipping classes, hiding in bathrooms. Some teacher said she saw you making out with a boy in the bathroom. Sara, you know better than this." No, she did not. She was never given the talk. She had never thought of pregnancy. She had never been advised about such matters. She did whatever Stacy and Audrey did, even if she was not comfortable with what she was doing. She knew sex resulted in pregnancy, but she was not even having sex with boys yet. She did not think about that, in fact. Her knowledge about sex was summed up from the people she was surrounded by, the movies she watched, and the books she read.

"That's a lie. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't kiss guys. I did escape classes because they were boring." Sara got up. She wanted to hint at something that her mother failed to understand.

She always wanted to give clues about her sexuality until she heard her father cursing homosexuals one day while they were watching a movie with a gay couple. The father got angry and changed the channel. Since then, Sara began to despise her father even more than the time he slapped Evelyn after a heated argument over dinner. That was only a few months after the miscarriage. Since then, Sara hated sitting around her parents, especially her stubborn, angry father.

"I love it when you lick my tits," Sara whispered to her friend when they were in Sara's bedroom. Sara's parents were in the house. This was a risk the girls only took two times and this was the third. Sara could not resist not to be touched because it had been awhile.

Stacy bit on one nipple, which caused Sara to scream. "Fuck, oh my God." She giggled and screamed again when her friend bit on the other nipple. Just then her father burst inside and that's when Sara was caught by her father.

It was one of Sara's most terrifying moments. The wrath that fell down upon her made her shake for days. The father did not only scream, shout, ban her from going out; he also blamed the mother for not being able to properly raise her daughter. That night, after the chaos and the cries, Evelyn slept beside Sara. It had been a long while since the mother last did that. Evelyn did not close an eye till dawn. She cried silently because her daughter had faced the cruelest type of punishment and heard the harshest words from the father. She remembered herself, only two years older than Sara when she had done that mistake with a man. A part of her wondered whether their reaction would have been different if Sara was found with a guy.

She stayed up all night and worried about her daughter's future. Could it be? Her daughter was gay? How was she going to live with that? How was homophobic Richard going to live with that? What about Stacy? She had to tell Tara, was that going to ruin their friendship?

Tara was way more understanding. Stacy told her what had happened before Evelyn could in the morning. Tara assumed it's a phase and the girls were trying to discover themselves, Evelyn was horrified. She took Sara to the gynecologist; she could not believe her because Richard was sure his daughter had been sleeping around. The mother was afraid her daughter had an STD—Richard said she probably did. Sara's life was suddenly caged by both of her parents. Her mother, to her, was the stupid loser who followed without thinking; therefore, Sara began to be as rude as possible to her mother. As Sara attacked, the mother attacked back with a bigger force for the two remaining years until Sara left the house at eighteen with a huge argument about her sexuality.

"I fucking love girls, you don't like that, I don't give a fuck. Go tell your husband that. Tell him I failed you. Tell him how right he was about me; tell him you regret all the love and affection you gave me because apparently it only made me gay." Evelyn slapped her daughter. "Fuck you," Sara screamed. "Don't hit me. I'm just using his words. The words he's putting into your stupid, uneducated brain." Evelyn slapped her again.

"I'm your mother. Don't talk to me like that," shouted Evelyn.

"You're not. You don't love me. You quit being my mother once you realized I'm everything you didn't want."

The argument went on for days until Sara took her suitcases and went to college. Sara did not contact her parents for a year and a half and they did not contact her, as well. Evelyn secretly checked on her through Stacy. Later on, they made up only because Tara insisted that this rift should come to an end. However, things were never as they used to be with Sara and her parents because her father insisted that she did not deserve any love or care from him for her ill behavior. The mother, on the other hand, only strengthened her bond with her daughter when Jack was in the picture. Once Jack was out, after that night in the bathroom, Sara realized her mother was not in control of her actions, her words, or even her behavior due to the man she was married to. Sara took the decision to be as far away as possible from such a destructive environment in order to be able to live.

And now that Evelyn had woken up and saw the change that had occurred with time like cavity destroying good, white teeth, she realized that the best years of her life was those when Sara was an infant—when she breastfed her and sang to her, when she daydreamed about her gladiator daughter, her superwoman, strong daughter. Now that she could see, she realized her dream had come true. She had the strongest daughter any mother would wish to have, a being that sacrificed so much to earn so little, someone who lost more than they gained and yet they remained standing on two feet, chin up high and heart beating with hope and love. The daughter she dreamed about when she was eighteen was the daughter she had now, and she couldn't be more proud.

 _Maybe, I've never told you this, but you have no idea how proud I am of you._

Sara read the text message loudly and Tegan cried softly on her lap. Stacy smiled, while Ella slept on the couch.

"I'm proud of you, too," whispered Tegan.


	23. She Did It

The scenery was wonderful despite the atrocious discomfort Tegan felt. She felt too exposed out here in the backyard. Sara assured her that there was no way in hell anybody could watch them. First of all their house was in a secluded area. Second of all it was huge and surrounded by high fences full of green plants and colorful flowers. Third of all the only house that was in the area was still uninhabited by people. So Tegan didn't really have to worry about someone seeing her unclothed body leisurely relaxed in the garden.

Sara wanted to draw her. It was time to draw her full naked body and she wanted a new pose as well as a different view. She wanted to add colors this time. She wanted to add details. She wanted it to be spectacular. She suggested the living room but it was messy because Tegan had been rearranging hers and Sara's books since the early morning. Fist they had a quick lunch that Sara made, then they decided to sit outside for some quality reading time, sipping Sara's delicious lemon iced tea. While scanning the tiny words of her novel, Sara's mind lit up with the thought that she could draw Tegan right in there. Of course Tegan refused to do that, but Sara insisted.

The sun was hot but the breeze made it okay for Tegan to expose her skin to the surrounding nature. It was hard at first. She applied some sunscreen and relaxed on a white sheet the way Sara told her. It was a disturbing position because her constantly aroused wife asked her to spread her legs while lying down. One leg bent, her foot touching the sheet, while one casually resting on it. Tegan wore sunglasses while Sara put on her book and iced-tea next to her, adding some decoration to the picture.

"This is gonna take forever. I'm gonna burn and die," Tegan had complained right before Sara began.

"You know that I am quick, Tegan. Just don't move."

Sara began her art, taking close and careful looks at her wife each second to add the details on the notebook.

The past month had been a slow disaster on wheels for Sara. It took her about two weeks to get Tegan back in her right mood once again. Two weeks of tears. Two weeks of yelling. Two weeks of disappointment. Two weeks of arguing. Two weeks of patience. It took her two weeks. After these two weeks Tegan showed no signs of interest in most things. They didn't talk about their loss anymore. They didn't mention trying to conceive anymore. However, the topic was still glowing like a small candle inside their chests. Sara wanted them to take a break; a long break. She wanted Tegan's health to be the best ever before she even opened the subject again. She didn't mind waiting anymore. She got burnt and now she learned her lesson.

"Sara," Tegan whined. The professor looked up from her place between her lover's legs. "I don't feel comfortable like this. Stop looking at my vagina. I hate that." Sara chuckled, lowering her head once again and adjusting her glasses. She added more touches with her pastel crayon.

"I'm trying to draw it accurately."

"Didn't you do that like last week?" Sara looked up again, humored with Tegan's whiny complaints. "Pretty sure it didn't change."

"Actually it did," Sara said with soft laughter. "You seem aroused."

"No, I'm not," Tegan shot quickly.

It had been months since they had sex. Right before the miscarriage. Sara tried to hide her sigh because she understood that her wife didn't want to have sex. Sara wanted to fuck and be fucked. It was getting ridiculous. She was insanely agitated with sexual need, yet she couldn't do anything about it.

"It looks darker," Sara said, looking at Tegan's sex while drawing. "Your clit is engorged."

"Stop." Tegan closed her legs.

"No, no, no," Sara stood up, huffing and sighing. "You ruined the position."

"Don't notice things out loud. I feel self-conscious." She returned to her previous position, making Sara calm down.

"After all we did, you still get shy around me?" It amused the older woman. She had to admit that it was quite endearing.

"Well…yeah." Tegan's face was cherry red. After a short pause, Tegan asked, "Does it really look different?"

"A little bit," mumbled Sara.

Tegan remained silent.

The previous two weeks Sara tried to lift up her lover's mood. It was summer and Sara wanted to feel lively and vibrant. She took Tegan out on dates but Tegan was too quiet most of the times. She tried to talk to her about her new job, give her something to feel excited about; however, Tegan was anxious and nervous. Sara gave her few tips and a bit of an advice. Tegan didn't seem like she cared that much.

They went shopping, too. They bought new clothes and some more house essentials that they needed.

Evelyn called her daughter twice a week to check on her and her wife. Sara narrated her daily routine, careful of what to say and how to say it. She was still cautious and a little bit wary of her mother. One could not simply trust that easily. Things didn't work that way for Sara.

Tegan slept a lot, too. She slept for long hours and in irregular times. Her sleeping schedule was terribly messed up. Sara tried fixing it for her but she failed. They were both going to start working again in two weeks.

Tegan slept at Stacy's house before dinner and didn't wake up till after dinner, asking to go home. Or she slept in the middle of the day and woke up at midnight, full of energy and hungry for chatter. Sara listened to her and talked even though she was exhausted, waiting patiently to fall asleep.

Sara took her to the movies one evening, making sure to choose a movie Tegan liked to see. She also made sure Tegan had taken her nap right before they went to the theater. Unexpectedly, half way through the movie, Tegan fell asleep with her popcorn in her lap. Sara was taken off guard. She stared at her wife for a few minutes before tears collected in her eyes, deciding to wake Tegan up and head back home.

The younger woman went back to sleep in the car, which took Sara some time to wake her up again. "I can't pick you up," Sara said. "Tegan, come on."

Tegan groaned her way to their bedroom, falling face first on the mattress.

"No," Sara said loudly. "Go pee first." She was met with another long groan. "I'm sorry, babe, but you have to pee." She pulled her up, dragged her to the bathroom and lowered both her pants and underwear.

Tegan opened her eyes slowly and stared at her lover for an entire minute, searching and analyzing the looks exchanged between them. Then Sara finally said, "Pee already."

"I don't have to pee."

"You always have to pee." Tegan rolled her eyes. "Remember last time?"

"Yeah, I almost pissed my pants. It happened once, okay?"

"You _pissed_ your pants, Tegan." It was just a week before.

"I was drunk."

"You were lazy," Sara argued. "You didn't want to go to the bathroom even though you kept saying you were gonna pee." When she finally ran to the bathroom, she pissed right on the floor before sitting on the toilet. She looked up to see Sara with a dropped jaw and bulged eyes staring at her. She was too drunk to be embarrassed by it, but now that Sara was reminding her of it, she felt bad about herself. She started crying.

"I'm sorry," Sara mouthed. "I'm sorry," she repeated, giving her a hug.

Tegan pushed her. "Let me pee, this is uncomfortable."

"Okay, sorry."

Tegan emptied her bladder while staring at her wife. She wiped and stood up. She kicked her pants and underwear. She felt too tired to kneel down and pull them up. She almost left the bathroom without washing her hands but Sara stopped her right before that.

"Wow," mumbled the older woman.

Tegan fell on her mattress once again, not even bothering to cover her lower half. Sara pulled the blanket from underneath her body and covered her with it.

In the morning, Tegan woke up to find her lover sitting between her spread legs. Her glasses sat on the brim of her nose as she looked closely and drew her private parts.

"What are you doing?" Tegan screamed, sitting up.

"Get back in there. I'm drawing."

"My cunt?"

Sara snorted. "Uh…yeah. Looked beautiful, I wanted to draw."

"No, that's weird."

"It's not."

"Why are you so close to it? I can feel your breath on me." Sara winked at her before blowing on her exposed area. "No," Tegan mumbled. "Don't do that."

When Sara finished, she made Tegan take a look at her art. Tegan was impressed. "It's like looking in the mirror," said Tegan.

"That's why I look closely. Wanna get every detail."

"It's a vagina, Sara. It doesn't have many details."

"Yes, it does. Go look in the mirror."

"No, thanks." The younger woman stood up, yawning and stumbling on her own shoes as she walked to the bathroom. "Sorry about last night, by the way. I don't know how I fell asleep." She yawned again before entering the bathroom to take her shower.

"Almost done," Sara announced, throwing a gummy smile Tegan's way.

"Good, I was afraid some insects were about to start crawling on my body."

Sara laughed. "There aren't any insects in here."

"It's a fucking garden. There are."

Sometimes Tegan spent her mornings at Emy's. Sara dropped her there before running some errands. Tegan hated grocery shopping. She complained and whined about her aching feet and back so Sara either left her with her friends or at Stacy's, but never alone. She didn't ever want to leave Tegan alone when she was moody and emotional most of the time. She worried too much.

"Okay, I'm done." Sara lifted up her notebook. "Come see it." Tegan crawled up to where she was sitting. Her body was alluring. Her breasts were swaying with her as she came closer. Sara licked her lower lip and squeezed her legs together. She would have to resort to her fingers once again tonight.

"Whoa." Tegan's mouth was agape with wonder. "That's too obscene." Sara giggled. "I'm serious, Sara. What if someone sees this? They'll know exactly how I fucking look like. You're so good, man."

Tegan looked adorable as she stared in utter astonishment at the art Sara produced. Sara kissed her.

"Now how would anyone see this? It's safe inside our room."

"This is a porno diary."

Sara shook her head with a smile. "My cancer journey is porno, I guess."

"Oh, I didn't mean that." Tegan bit on her lip.

"I know." Sara kissed her again. She felt her wife's nipple on her arm. Swiftly, she pinched her nipple, making the younger woman jump up with a gasp. "Nice tits."

"Ugh." Tegan rolled her eyes jokingly. "I should give you a name, Sara." Sara was laughing. "An old pervy man's name." Sara pinched the other nipple. She liked where this was going. If she would only get Tegan to lie down so she could fuck her right there in the garden. "I should name you Ronald or Frank or Earl or Ralph. Oh, yes, Ralph. Suits you well." Sara was cackling by now, pinching again and again. "Stop it," Tegan pushed her hand away. "Would you like someone to pinch your nipples?" So Tegan's hand moved quickly to her destination, giving Sara's nipple one long, harsh pinch that made the woman scream too loud for Tegan to keep her smile on her face. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry."

Sara pushed her hand away, face scrunched up in irritation and pain. "What the fuck, Tegan." Her voice had cracked right before she cried, "I'm sensitive."

"I'm sensitive, too." Sara lifted up her thin yellow T-shirt and looked at her breast. "I'm sorry," Tegan said. "Does it hurt that bad?"

"Yeah." Sara stood up. Her mood was savagely murdered by the killer of joy and happiness, her wife.

Sometimes Tegan was annoying, Sara admitted to herself.

She went to the bathroom to shower but Tegan didn't leave her alone. She came in while Sara was trying to relieve her stress her own way. Sara sighed.

"What?" Tegan exclaimed. "I wanna get ready."

"After I finish. It's still early."

"No. You're gonna spend an hour here fucking yourself and then bitch about me taking too long."

"Well, maybe if my wife fucked me, I wouldn't take an hour." Sara turned around, resuming her tears, angry at herself for losing it like that.

"Too bad you married someone with a frigid libido." Tegan slammed the bathroom's door before leaving.

It was wrong. What she was doing was definitely wrong. Why was she stressed out, anyway? Why was she annoyed?

She left the bathroom and found her wife sitting on the mattress scrolling through her phone. Her back faced the bathroom's door. Sara crept up from behind her sneakily. With swift movement, Sara pecked her cheek from behind. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I'm an asshole, I know." God, the last thing she wanted was to end the day with Tegan in a bad mood because of her.

Tegan smirked. _Thank God._ "Are you ready, Ralph?"

"Fuck you," Sara said with laughter. "Yeah, I'm ready." Tegan was ready, too. She was fully dressed. Her new pair of jeans was flattering. She wore a black floral shirt. The flowers were large and white. She left the first two buttons open. She wore a silver necklace and black oxfords. Her face was clear of makeup. Her hair was newly cut in a shape of a bob. Sara loved it. It made Tegan look a bit older.

Sara didn't know what to wear. She was a bit nervous. She thought of wearing a dress, but she changed her mind last minute. She settled on white pants, a white V-neck shirt tucked underneath, and a jean jacket on top. She didn't tie her hair. It was almost shoulder-length now and, frankly, she admired it. She didn't want to cut it anytime soon. She applied some mascara, rosy blusher, and added a bit of eyeliner in the lower lids of her eyes.

"Are you okay with this, Tegan?"

They were meeting Jack tonight. Well, not technically. Jack had begged and pleaded for Sara to return his calls the previous week. Tegan told her to respond to him. He asked to come over. He wanted to give her and Tegan a housewarming gift. Sara was not sure about that. She didn't want to upset her lover. And, honestly, she didn't want to get into Jack's drama at all. Tegan, on the other hand, said it was okay for him to come over.

"He seems like he really wants to talk. Let's see what he wants," Tegan said.

Jack was nice when he came over. He was nice to her and to her wife. He brought a bottle of Champagne and a set of expensive crystal glasses. Sara loved tableware. She was happy with the gift. Jack was honest from the start. Over dinner, he discussed why he was trying his best to get in touch with Sara.

"I just want to be friends. I swear to God, Sara. I don't want anything else. I know I made a mistake. I know I was an asshole. I know you can't look at me. I want to fix it. I know you're married and a relationship is not what I want. I don't want to hurt you or your wife or break anything you've built…once again. I just want to be a friend. Someone who cares about you."

Sara was cold but respectful. Tegan did most of the talking that night. She asked about his job, his plans, his relationship (which did not exist), and about the reason he came here.

"They offered me the job. It was a good offer. I really couldn't say no. I need the money."

She had to fill her wife in on Jack's latest endeavors that night. He lost himself to drinking and fucking random girls after their divorce. He had it bad too, Tegan assumed. Sara shrugged. It was him who ruined what they built after all. It was him who tore apart their marriage. But Sara was glad it happened. Now she finally could say that whatever had happened really did happen for a reason, a better reason. Maybe her mother was right about God's ways.

"I can't tell you not to talk to someone wanting to be your friend because he was you husband, Sara. I'll be a hypocrite. You're okay with me talking to Emy and Jeremy and I'm okay with you being friends with Stacy, so I'd be a hypocrite if I said no to that," that was Tegan's response that night after their discussion.

Today, they were meeting in Stacy's new apartment. She finally moved to a better place two weeks ago. Now with her promotion she could pay a higher rent. Her apartment was still small and cozy but it was a nice place to hang out in. Tegan loved going there. It had a small living room, a dining room connected to it, a bathroom, and two bedrooms. Everything, thankfully, had doors. It was a normal apartment. Good for Stacy, she deserved it.

Stacy invited Jack. He wanted to reconnect with everyone. Stacy and Jack knew each other from college. Stacy dated Jack's best friend when she lived in the US while Sara remained in Montreal. They became good friends when Jack helped her with her breakup. She had always thought he was a gentleman before he broke her best friend's heart.

However, tonight, Jack was given a chance by everyone.

"Yes, I'm sure." Tegan stood up. "If he annoys you, ignore him. His intentions will be revealed soon if they're malignant."

"Oh, look at the literature seeping out of my wife's tongue. That's sexy." Sara stood up, too. She winked at Tegan.

"Keep it in your pants, Ralph."

Tegan loved the dinner Stacy cooked. The steak was awesome. It was juicy and the white creamy sauce was rich and delicious. The red wine was good, too. She was not sure about a second glass and she didn't want Sara to drink more, too. She would have to drive them home. Sara didn't get drunk easily, though, so she didn't tell her to stop. Stacy made a carrot cake for dessert. Tegan didn't like carrot cake but she finished half her piece. Jack was civil the entire time until he started reciting literature with Sara, as if Tegan didn't understand what each quotation meant.

"Those are pearls that were his eyes. Nothing of him that doth fade, but doth suffer a sea-change into something rich and strange." Sara giggled and flipped her hair. She nodded while taking another sip of her third glass.

Maybe it was time Sara stopped drinking.

"Remember?" Jack asked again, smiling, blushing, annoying the hell out of Tegan.

"'"Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?'" Tegan answered instead. Jack looked at her in surprise.

"Oh honey, he's quoting Shakespeare not The Waste Land," Sara said.

"I know that," said Tegan. "I think the appropriate answer to his quotation from The Tempest would be what T.S. Eliot added in The Waste Land." Jack looked at her for what seemed to be forever. He scanned her thoroughly. She hated it.

"Well then," Jack finally said. "We shall play a game of chess, pressing lidless eyes and waiting for a knock upon the door."

 _HURRY UP PLEASE, IT'S TIME._

Then the stupid poem was back again inside Tegan's head, fuming and sizzling, making her uneasy and unnerved. She looked at confused Stacy for a minute wanting badly to talk to her. She couldn't now. Not now. She had to wait.

"Now Albert coming back, make yourself a bit smart," Sara said after her last sip. She stood up erectly, fixing her shirt. "I think it's time to go home," she said shortly. "Is that okay, Tegan?"

"Yes. I'm tired." Tegan was glad Sara ended it at that. Sara was smart. She knew exactly what to say and when to say it. Tegan was too scared they'll get farther into this part of the poem. What if Jack said the line she feared most? Just thinking about it made her remember. It probably made Sara remember, too.

In the car, Sara shook her head laughing. "He's cunning," Sara said. "He's fucking deceiving."

"He's just bitter," Tegan pointed out. "That's how Jeremy was at first. He'll get used to it. He just needs to find a girlfriend or something."

"I guess." Sara drove them home.

When they went back home, Sara played a movie on the television while Tegan read a little bit. They both yawned at the same time. They looked at each other and smiled.

"Wanna…" Tegan licked her lower lip, her deceiving smile beginning to show. "Make out?"

"Mmmm," Sara moaned. She closed her sleepy eyes and opened them, shifting her body closer to her lover. "I always wanna make out."

First to initiate the kissing was Tegan. She hadn't had any sexual interaction with her wife since before the miscarriage, which means before a month and a half ago. She was nervous. Something felt off these past weeks and she was trying to get over it. Though, she did touch herself alone in the bathroom a couple of times. She wanted to have sex but she didn't want to have it with anyone but herself the previous weeks.

None the less, tonight she wanted to seek her wife for comfort. Maybe the little argument in the bathroom ignited some type of fear in her chest, maybe it sent the subconscious thoughts of desire back to the conscious, maybe it was something else she wasn't able to put her finger on.

Their tongues touched, rubbed one another, and sucked the taste of wine from each other for a long time until both women began moaning with heavy breaths emitted from their lungs. Tegan knew she was wet. She was too wet to sit in her clothes. She had to do something about it. She paused the action.

Sara wiped her mouth. She looked like she was barely able to breathe. Her face looked red and young. "Where are you going?"

"Wait a minute." She went inside the closet and came back a moment later with the double-sided dildo that Sara once refused. "Before you say anything, let me speak." Sara was too aroused to speak. "I want to fuck you." Sara almost gasped. "I want to fuck you with this. I want to feel your pussy on mine."

"Fuck, Tegan."

Tegan walked closer to the professor. "The round thingy will go in me and the dick will go in you." Tegan knew Sara loved it when she was vulgar.

"Can you uh…control it? You have to deal with the muscles down there."

Sara was right. She never tried such a position with anyone but her. She was the one getting fucked. Despite all that, she felt bold and brave, ready to try something new.

"I'll try. I'll do my best."

"You can use my pantyhose. I think I have one that already has a slit in the legs. You can just open one in your crotch so it can hold it in.

"I mean look at it." Tegan was on the mattress again, touching and testing with her hand. "It seems big enough to stay inside my tight pussy." Her smirk was apparent on her beautiful face as she traced the bulbous part of the toy.

"Fuck, Tegan. This is hot."

"Dirty words make Ralph a bit excited." Tegan pushed the dildo between Sara's clothed legs, giving the seam of her navy briefs a slow rub.

"Don't call me Ralph during sex. I get annoyed."

"Sorry," apologized her wife, pulling the toy away. "Umm…we can get undressed now."

Why did it have to be awkward at times? She tried her best to make it less awkward but whenever she was in charge she felt like that. She felt that she was doing something wrong.

She gulped when she finally adjusted the toy the way she felt comfortable in. Sara helped a little bit. She felt self-conscious. Sara directed her and led the way until she was fully inside her wife.

Sara's eyes closed for quick seconds until she gave the signal for her wife to push. It was an eerie sensation for both of them at the beginning. It took them some time to get the toy to do what they desired. That time was filled with Tegan's groans and Sara's soft kisses all over the milky skin that topped her.

"Are you in pain?" Acquired the younger woman.

"I was at first. Now it's very nice. I like it."

Tegan closed the gap between them. Her body hugged her wife's warm one. She was sweaty and hot. She probably smelled horrible as well. Sara didn't mind, for sure. Sara's legs wrapped around her back as Tegan decided to stop moving for a bit. They resumed their kissing. Their hands touched each other's breasts, tweaked and pinched at the pink hard nipples. Tegan began to thrust once again when Sara took her neck between her lips, sucking and kissing. Her hips were doing most of the work now. It was a very successful start since the toy didn't slip out of her not once. She deiced to go fast and so she acted on her decision. Sara began to lose it. It made her happy seeing Sara in this state of ecstasy. It made her happy more knowing it was her who was doing all the work to bring about this desired nirvana.

Sara came. Sara screamed.

She pulled away. Her clit throbbed and her core begged for more. She wanted to reach her climax, too.

Once she sat down next to lazy Sara, she began rubbing herself.

"You didn't come?"

"I'm too close."

"Let me…" Sara didn't have to finish.

 _Yes!_ Tegan was happy she didn't get left out. Sara's lips locked the engorged clit inside while her tongue performed its well-practiced magic in Tegan's saturated hole.

When Tegan came, Sara commented, "Your cunt is so soft." Tegan's clit became erect once again. "I swear. It seems softer." Sara stroked her outer lips then rubbed the inner two together. Tegan moaned loudly. "Oh shit, you're not horny again, are you?" Tegan nodded. The second time was quick. Sara fingered her and licked her breasts until she came. Tegan would lie if she said she didn't want to be fucked a third time, but she felt tired. She went to the bathroom, showered, then slept calmly that night.

She felt too tired to get out of bed in the morning. Sara kissed her shoulders for a bit until she left the mattress. She returned with two cups of coffee and two slices of left-over apple pie.

Tegan sat up with a yawn. She began to munch on her breakfast when Sara read Jack's text message out loud:

 _Sorry about last night._

 _I promise I didn't mean anything by what I said. I just love quoting literature with you._

Sara sighed. "What should I tell him?"

"Just text, 'It's ok.'"

"You sure?"

"Mhmm." Tegan's head throbbed. "I think I'm going back to sleep again. I feel exhausted."

"No," Sara said. "You have to fix your sleep. You're starting work soon."

"Fuck, don't remind me."

Sara sighed again. She wanted to ask her about the night before. She was afraid, however.

"How was last night?" It was like Tegan had read her mind. "The sex, I mean."

"Amazing." Sara's smile was wide and cheerful. "It was perfect. I missed having sex with you."

"Me too," whispered Tegan. She was blushing. "It was hard at first," her voice was low and timid. "You know…I…"

"I know." Sara kissed her. "Don't explain."

After awhile Sara rose out of bed. She wore her glasses and walked to the closet. She looked back at Tegan staring at the television and announced, "It's my monthly checkup today."

"Yeah." Tegan wasn't paying much attention.

"Don't you wanna come and get one, too?"

"No," Tegan simply said.

"Alright." Sara didn't insist.

The days that followed were spent in preparation. Tegan went shopping once with Emy and once with Sara. Sara abhorred the shopaholic side of her wife because Tegan still had clothes with the tag on that she forgot she had bought and now she didn't want them anymore. So, of course, they were hand-me-downs thrown at Sara. What would Sara even do with plaid shirts and jeans overalls? That was not her style. She made use of them anyway.

The day before going back to work, Tegan's nervous stomach had begun acting up. She felt nauseated and dizzy so Sara tried to give her some meds but the younger woman refused.

"No, no," Tegan exclaimed. "I…I don't sleep well taking that."

"What?" Sara looked at the tablet in her hand. "They don't have such a side effect."

"No," Tegan pushed Sara away with her hand. "I just need to rest. You know me, I get nervous."

The professor sighed. "When are you gonna get rid of this habit?"

"Never," Tegan mumbled irritatingly.

Sara tried not to push too much. In the morning she woke up to the sound of her wife throwing up. She walked to the bathroom rubbing her heavy eyes. Her lover knelt down beside the toilet.

"You weren't that nervous on our wedding day." Sara chuckled.

"I guess…I don't know. I'm just scared about starting something new."

"Kids won't start till next week, Tegan."

"I know." Her wife stood up. "I can't control it, Sara."

"It's okay. I'm sorry."

Sara's first day was not that fascinating. She had to do a lot of work with other professors before the academic year started. Jack was there. He didn't bring much attention to himself, thankfully. He greeted her when he came and said goodbye when he left. She had to stay awhile after each professor to finish her work. Being a dean was far from fun. She was technically the boss of everyone in her department and she was the one who would get asked about everyone as well. So, each mistake would be blamed on her first. She hoped she would deliver her work the best she could. One other thing to be thankful about, Tegan was not a distraction anymore. She was not there to seek anyone anymore.

Tegan was not home yet when she came back. She started working on the dinner. She had texted her wife hours before and Tegan responded right away. Her day was going fine. God knows what that meant.

When Tegan came, Sara heard her from her place upstairs. She went down immediately, finding her lover on the couch with her shoes on.

"Babe," Sara said. "Get your feet off. You'll get it dirty."

Tegan looked at her with two narrowed bloodshot eyes. "I'm hungry."

"Dinner will be ready soon." She walked up to Tegan to remove her feet off the sofa. "How was your day?"

"Exhausting." Tegan yawned. "I'm gonna take a nap." The grumpy woman stood up right when her wife sat down. Those mood swings were slowly beginning to kill Sara's spirit.

Tegan threw up the next day, too. Sara insisted she'd take the tablet. Tegan took it, pretended to swallow it and then flushed it down the toilet. She had to speak with Stacy if her situation continued. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but something was different and she knew it.

She didn't like her job that much the first few days. She had been feeling extremely haggard and languid. Her supervisor criticized her for being slow and lazy. She cried alone in her bathroom the first weekend.

Sara tried to pull her out of her misery so she took her out. Tegan asked to visit Stacy while they were in the restaurant.

"I wanna see Ella. I miss her."

"I'll call Stacy."

Stacy welcomed them instantly. Tegan hugged the child and placed her on her lap as she whined about her job to the nurse.

"It's more than normal to feel like that about your first job," Stacy remarked.

"I told her that," Sara said.

"You didn't even begin teaching yet."

"I know." She was playing with Ella's thumb. She had to get Stacy alone to talk to her but Sara didn't leave them alone. She could text Stacy but she didn't want Sara to know anything. Or maybe she was just hesitant about encountering the nurse. "I have old students. What if they won't respect me? What if I can't control them?"

"With this scowl, honey, I think they'll shit their pants." Sara's lips collided with her cheek. Ella pushed Sara away with her hand. "What the…meanie."

"Ella," Stacy scolded. "She won't stop being jealous." She glared at her daughter.

"I'm not jealous." Ella stuck her tongue out. "Sasa smells bad."

Sara gasped. "I smell good."

"I think she doesn't like your beer breath," Tegan commented with a giggle.

"Anyway," Stacy continued, "wear a short skirt and a crop top on Monday. Preferably sheer with a really sexy bra. They'll swoon." Stacy's daughter gasped at her mother. The older women laughed. "Your mamma's naughty."

"Your mamma's need to get laid and stop fantasizing my wife in hooker clothes," Sara said.

"Shut up," Stacy said. "We're not going there."

"Honey, I think you're back a virgin by now. Your vagina probably closed itself."

"Sara," Tegan shot. "There's a kid in here."

The professor looked at the confused four-year-old and shrugged. "Ella, what did we just say?"

Stacy was too annoyed to say anything, Tegan noticed it.

"Vagina," hollered the little girl.

"Excellent." Sara laughed carelessly.

At home Tegan reprimanded her wife. "She hates it when you bring this topic so stop because I saw her tearing up today."

"I was just kidding," Sara stated.

"Well, don't." They were getting dressed to go to bed. Tegan threw her bra across the room. She didn't even care where it fell. She was happily free from the cage of this devilish material. "It's a sensitive topic to both her and Emy. I stopped joking about it with Emy and you stop doing it to Stacy, too. Let them be hermits. It's none of our business."

A strange type of smirk suddenly appeared on Sara's face. She was thinking. God knows what was she thinking of. Tegan was too tired to contemplate it.

She felt sick on Monday. Extremely sick, in fact. Apart from the sickness she was thinking of, the other was just plain nerves. She was beginning to teach today. She had to do her best and look good. She picked out a _smart_ outfit. In other words, she fetched an outfit from Sara. The beige pants were a bit tight on her, accentuating her thighs and ass. Sara whistled as Tegan walked around the room in her bra.

"You should wear a thong underneath that. I can see your panty line."

"I don't care." She buttoned on a sleeveless white shirt that she also took from Sara. It was long enough to cover her ass, which was good. However, it was quite sheer so she had to wear a tank-top underneath it. Sara didn't bother wearing any under her sheer shirts. Tegan didn't like people looking at her body that way.

She put on her comfortable creamy oxfords, applied some dark eyeshadow above her eyes with a bit of nude lipstick and was ready to go. Sara told her she looked fabulous. She didn't feel fabulous at all.

She met Emy right before classes started. They hugged and drank coffee together. Emy was teaching grade ten. She had already taught them the year before so she didn't really care. She was not scared. Tegan was about to shit her pants.

"I feel like I'm too young to teach people barely younger than me."

"Nah." Emy shook her head. "They'll love you, trust me. You're closer to their age than anyone they know. They'll trust you. Just be nice at first. Nice and strict at the same time."

She tried her best to follow Sara's instructions. When the students gathered in her classroom, she closed the door. She pretended as if she cared about time so she looked at her watch. She put on her mean scowl, as Sara had suggested, and began to introduce herself.

Everybody was quiet. Everybody listened. Nobody commented on anything or any words. She was not sure whether to think of this as a good or a bad sign. She wanted to break the ice so she followed her wife's method of introduction. She asked each person to introduce and say one interesting fact about themselves.

"You know how I introduced myself?" The class hummed in unison. "Kinda like that. I'll do it again. My name is Tegan Clement. I am 22 years old. I sleep a lot. I read a lot. I live on coffee and chocolate. Oh, and I'm married."

"You're married?" a guy spoke up. "Holy shit, man. How? You're younger than my sister."

Tegan blushed. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned that fact. "Things happen, kid." She was amused, though. "Cursing is not allowed." The class laughed. Her nerves had calmed down. She felt good once each student followed her method and introduced themselves. After that she began listing her class rules, just to be straightforward and clear from the start. A couple of students raised their hands to ask her questions about the material and the topics. She asked not to be interrupted again so nobody asked after that. In the second half of the class she commenced talking about the topics they were going to study this semester. She introduced some important literary terms they were going to focus on and some important authors and writers they were going to study.

Overall, her day was fantastic. She had lost all kinds of nerves and nausea. She was energetic enough to cook dinner for Sara. They had good sex that night.

The week that followed she felt good but a bit exhausted. Nonetheless, she felt a bit down because what she had anticipated probably turned to be nerves. So when they visited Stacy again, she didn't talk to her about it. She had missed two periods, but that was certainly a hormonal problem that she was facing due to the miscarriage. Sara didn't seem to pay attention to that.

She knew if Sara found out all hell would break loose. She went to Emy's doctor. She didn't tell Emy. She asked Emy for the number and the friend didn't care much to ask why. She was given the number and Tegan decided to do what she was told not to do. She had to lie to her lover a few times telling her she was out with her friends. She was sure it wasn't going to work out but she had to try.

In the middle of September; however, the sickness came back. It was not normal this time. She woke up with a troubled stomach three days in a row, puking her guts out. Sara worried way too much. She offered to take her to the hospital but Tegan was quick to say no.

She didn't know what she was supposed to do that Thursday. She spent the night wondering and planning. She watched her wife from a peripheral angle, pondering whether she should inform her of her situation or not. She was too scared to admit it, but too fatigued to hide it any longer.

In the morning she wasn't able to get out of bed. Her body felt broken and her head ached. She had to run to the bathroom twice to empty her stomach, but she wasn't able to proceed with her day. She felt her body hot and weak. Sara tucked her in bed and made her lemon juice. She told her not to go to school that day. It's not like she was able to do that, anyway.

"You probably have a stomach virus." Sara was looking at her phone. "These are the symptoms according to Google." Sighed the older woman. "I should take you to the doctor, though."

"Uh, no need. You can just get something prescribed at the pharmacy." Sara nodded. Tegan had other plans in her head.

"Alright." Sara kissed her forehead. "I have to go. If you need anything, call me."

She waited for half an hour, maybe her stomach would quiet down and rest. She needed to sleep but she was too nervous to do anything. She puked once again. After that she couldn't hold it in any longer. She dialed up her wife's best friend with a drumming chest.

"Hello?"

"Stacy," her voice was groggy and frightened.

"Tegan, you're okay?" There seemed to be so much noise in the background. She hoped the nurse was not extremely busy.

"I need a favor." Stacy didn't respond. "Are you busy?"

"A little bit." Tegan began to cry. "Is everything alright, Tegan?"

"I need your help, please."

"What is it?"

"I need you to come home."

"Why? Are you okay?" Suddenly, Stacy's voice began to sound alert and worried. "Is Sara okay?"

"Sara doesn't know I'm calling you. She can't know."

Stacy arose from her seat. She looked at the passing doctors and nurses from her office window. Her chest began to tighten as she waited for whatever disaster the younger woman had prepared to share. "Spell it out."

"I need a pregnancy test," the words whispered that, first. the nurse didn't pay attention to them, but just a moment later her eyes widened as her mind absorbed what Tegan had requested. "Right now."

"Tegan, you did not…"

Before she could continue, Tegan interrupted, "I did. I fucking did. I told you I was going to do it alone. I did it about two months ago. Right after I healed. I missed two periods and I've been throwing up for the past three weeks. I'm losing my shit. I can barely move. I am so tired. I need help." She was crying and screaming. Stacy couldn't just leave her alone in her misery. She told her she was coming over with a pregnancy test. She promised she wouldn't call Sara. She felt responsible somehow. She hoped she wouldn't get dragged into this mess, but she felt responsible that she didn't want to waste anytime getting to Tegan.

She found Tegan lying on her stomach in the living room upstairs with a trashcan in front of her. Tegan stood up immediately when she spotted the older woman. "You got it?"

Stacy handed her the box that contained the test. She had many questions but Tegan didn't give her any chance to speak. "I don't know how to use it."

"Pee in this cup then put the test in it." Stacy pointed at the tools in the box.

"I don't know how to pee in a cup. I'll miss."

"God, Tegan, just put it very close to your urine hole."

"That's below my clit, right?" Stacy was flabbergasted. "I'm not joking. I'm not sure where that is."

"Yes. It's there. Right below your clit."

"Okay, so I'll just aim it right there and hope I won't miss." Tegan walked back inside her bedroom.

Stacy followed yelling, "Wait, don't just pee in it. Like sit on the toilet and hold it underneath you." She went inside the bathroom where Tegan had already done what she was told. "Okay, sorry." She turned around to face the wall.

"It's fine."

"So…how?"

"I did it on my own. I got Emy's doctor to do it for me. And no, Emy has no idea about it. I didn't think it would work." Tegan stood up and flushed. "Now what?"

Stacy put the test in the cup and they left it inside the bathroom, both two anxious to wait for it.

"I thought it was my body pretending to be pregnant," Tegan mumbled back in the bedroom. "Like those fake pregnancies? Or false ones? I don't know what they call them. Because I was all good and healthy one second and then I started throwing up out of nowhere and then I went back to being good and healthy and now my morning sickness won't stop."

"What are you gonna tell Sara if you…?"

"I don't know." Tegan rubbed her forehead. "I can just…like I don't know. Her birthday is in two days and I can…" Stacy got up. "Where are you going?" Tegan stood up, too. "I was saying that I can maybe surprise her in her birthday if I am actually pregnant, which I dou…" She looked at the nurse taking a look at the test. She opened her mouth to speak when suddenly they were both interrupted by a familiar voice behind.

"Stacy?" Sara stood by the door. Her eyebrows furrowed. "What the…" Her face was red.

Tegan didn't know what to do and what to say. "What are you doing here?" That was the wrong thing to say.

"I had one lecture. I finished and came to check on you. What is that?" Stacy's eyes were wide. Sara's eyes were wide with wonder, too.

Tegan, on the other hand, wanted to throw herself outside the nearest window. She began to cry.

"You're pregnant," Stacy whispered. She lifted up the test and showed it to both women. Tegan left the bathroom hurriedly, too scared to face Sara's wrath.


	24. Not Just One, but Two

When Stacy called her an hour ago informing her of the phone call that she had received from Tegan, Sara could not believe she heard right. Stacy asked her to calm down. She asked her to be quiet about it and be rational. Sara almost lost her mind while giving her first lecture of the day. She still had two more, but she took an emergency leave to go back to her house and confront Tegan. Of course she told Tegan she didn't have classes. She did what Stacy asked of her. She didn't want to freak out Tegan nor put Stacy in an awkward position.

Yes, Stacy had promised she wouldn't say anything to her best friend, but she's like a faithful dog to the professor. Plus, hiding this situation wouldn't be in her favor because Sara might think she had been helping Tegan all along. It's not that she thought Tegan might lie and tell Sara that Stacy had gone with her, but she knew at that moment that Tegan might do anything she put her mind to. However, the scene Sara walked in on didn't look good to anyone. She hoped and pleaded that Sara wouldn't lose it. She hoped she wouldn't lose the trust she was slowly building with Tegan.

"Shhh, calm down," she whispered in the bathroom. "Don't shout at her. Calm down." Sara's fists were clenched, her face was red, her eyes were teary.

Was she supposed to be happy? Angry maybe? Betrayed just a tad? She wasn't quite sure. She gave Tegan space, she respected her decisions, she gave her time to heal, she did not interfere nor talk much about the situation, thinking it was the right decision, but apparently it was not. Did Tegan do what she did to satisfy a certain need ticking in her brain or was it because she really wanted that baby? Maybe it was because of her? Maybe Tegan just wanted to make her happy by doing that? Was it something she wanted? Sara doubted. Tegan never wanted a baby, this was all her doing; she planted that need in her. It was mental, it was psychological.

Yet, she couldn't tame her anger. Tegan was sitting in the living room next to the trashcan. She stared at the closed television screen in silence. Her eyes were teary but she wasn't crying.

"When were you going to tell me? Wait till you have another miscarriage?" Sara shouted.

Tegan shot a glare her way. She resisted throwing the F word at her. She was angry, too. Mostly at herself because she didn't really think much about the consequences, but her anger was focused on Sara. How dare she not be happy for her? How dare she not shower her with hugs and kisses and tears of merriment? How dare she say such hurtful words to her? She was pregnant! Finally pregnant. She was going to give her what she wanted all along. She should be happy.

"I think you know too well I just found out."

"You don't fucking get…"

"Sara," Stacy shouted. Just then she realized how loud her voice was.

"You know what, don't get into this. Get out." Sara was an asshole, both women thought. "This is between me and my wife."

"I'm not leaving," Stacy said. "I'm not leaving you saying bullshit and yelling when she should be at the doctor's getting a checkup at the moment."

"If she fucking told me what she did, she would be, but of course she tells you. She's scared of me."

To Tegan, it was the same scene of her seven-year-old self that one time she broke her grandmother's crystal vase and her mother yelled at her while her grandmother did not give a single damn. She sat on the couch in silence, guilty, scared, and upset.

"You made her feel that way," Stacy said, catching Tegan's attention. "Sara, you wanted a baby. It's what you wanted. It's what you nagged about since you met her. She felt like…like she's not capable of giving you happiness without giving you this thing. Don't blame her."

Sara looked at her again. Sara was crying and so was she. "But I don't anymore. I told her I don't want that. I want her health to be good, that's what I want. I want her to be happy."

"And why are you talking about me as if I'm not here?" Tegan said. "I'm not scared of her, Stacy. What I did, I did for me. It's my body, it's my choice. You didn't really think about telling me when you decided to give me those fertility drugs, right? Oh, and remember that even with the drugs, it was my body and it should have been my choice."

"So it's payback now? You want to get even?"

Stacy sighed and stood in the middle of the spacious room. "I just want you two to sit down and talk calmly. This is not good."

"Stacy, don't butt in," Sara repeated.

"I will butt in. I'm not leaving. I won't leave until this situation is settled."

Tegan sighed. Stacy didn't really care whether she was abhorred at the moment. None of the women wanted her in the room but she was determined to stay just in case more sharp words were said. It seemed to her that her best friend wasn't aware of the weight of the words her mouth was uttering.

"I honestly don't know what you want anymore," Tegan said quietly. "You wanted a baby. Be fucking happy for me."

"I wanted to be part of this, Tegan. I want to feel like I'm included. I want to feel like I'm the mother, too. This was supposed to be a decision both of us agreed on."

"That's the thing," Tegan exclaimed, "we didn't agree on the same thing. I said I wanted to try. You said you don't want to ever talk about it again in the time being. You didn't even listen. You didn't ask me. You closed the topic while I was feeling like shit, I couldn't take it. I had to do it. I had to try one last time." Stacy sat beside her. She touched her back and started rubbing. She didn't like it, but she didn't push the support she was getting. She needed it. "I didn't leave you out of it. It's just insemination. I didn't think it was gonna work. You're still part of this. You're my wife; you're going to be a mother, too. Why can't you be happy for me, Sara?"

"Because I can't bear another miscarriage. Can't you get it? I can't. Just get it, already. I've had enough. I can't try and lose again. I can't."

Tegan began to speak again but her words faltered and slowly faded from her tongue. She didn't know what to say anymore. She hadn't thought of that. She, too, wouldn't bear having another miscarriage. God knows what might happen to her. Her hand moved to her abdomen unconsciously. She pleaded for the fetus in there not to kill her hopes this time.

"That's why you need to let go of what happened right now and focus on what you should do next," Stacy preached. "You need to go get a checkup, Tegan. You have to know about your health and your baby's health."

"Yeah, I have to call our gynecologist and schedule an appointment," Sara said while looking for her phone. She moved around without much focus. She was dazed and confused rather than happy and excited.

Stacy stopped her, giving her the phone. "Try to get an appointment today."

Sara nodded, already dialing up the doctor. She walked out to the balcony to speak. Tegan put her face in her hands and rubbed her eyes with her fingers.

"This is fucked up," said Tegan. "She's gonna stay mad till God knows when."

Stacy was not sure what she should say. "I mean…" She shrugged.

"If I had told her in her birthday, she would have killed me. I'm not even sure if I should be thankful she found out like that or not. Either way she probably hates me." Stacy laughed. Tegan rolled her eyes.

"She doesn't hate you. She's worried."

"And by the way," continued Tegan, "I know you told her. She has two more classes today. I know when she's lying. She can't act to save her life."

"I'm sorry. I had to. I panicked." Stacy's cheeks flourished immediately.

"I don't care. She was gonna find out anyway." Tegan sighed.

"Alright, listen," Sara said, coming inside and closing the glass door of the French window. "Tomorrow at ten. That's the closest date she can give us. Be thankful she works on Saturdays."

"For fuck's sake, you're acting as if I had committed a crime," shouted irritated Tegan.

"Hey, hey," Stacy warned right before her best friend could lose her temper. Sara's lips were parted, her tongue ready to scold and swear. "Whatever is going to come out of your mouth, forget it." She was glaring at Sara while Sara glared at scowling Tegan. "I have to get back to work but I'm not leaving you two alone."

"I think it's best if we stay alone," Sara said shortly, still glaring.

"No," Stacy said. "Not until you calm down." She looked at the youngest woman of the three, sitting there with strength and confidence that she had never seen before. "Tegan, go get dressed. You're coming with me until my shift is done." She looked at Sara again, trying to compete with her wife, trying to prove she's stronger, meaner, and more worthy of having a saying in their relationship. That was not healthy, thought Stacy. "You're gonna pick up Ella when she leaves. You'll get back home and cook a nice dinner because I'll have dinner and sleep over here today."

"What if I don't want you to stay here?" Sara argued. "You can't decide how my wife and I should behave at this moment. It's not your problem, it's mine."

"I'm coming with you," Tegan said, already walking towards her bedroom. "If I stay here another moment, I just might lose it," she mumbled as she walked.

"And that's why I'm deciding. I'm giving you time to sit with yourself and think like a normal human being should do before yelling nonsense."

"You should be on my side, Stacy." Sara sat on the couch and sighed.

"No. I'm not on anyone's side. I know what she did isn't the best thing but what's done is done and you don't wanna regret the hurtful words coming out of your mind later." Stacy picked up her purse and keys from the coffee table. "Cause you tend to do that a lot."

Stacy drove Tegan with her to the hospital. Tegan made a few jokes about feeling like she was her kid. "When I was little, mom took me with her to the hospital, too. It was before she had her own clinic. It was fun because everyone bought me these snacks and I ate them and ran around and nobody told me to sit even though it was a hospital and I should have been quiet. But I was a spoiled brat."

 _Still is,_ Stacy wanted to say but resisted it. She smiled instead. "Okay, well, now sit right here in my office and think about what you did and how you're gonna solve it with Sara while I go check on my patients."

Tegan almost said the F word again but she was content with raising her middle finger to Stacy's back. Her office was air-conditioned and neat. It was not that spacious, but it was nice enough to sit in. She looked at doctors and nurses walking by. Some glanced at her and some didn't pay attention. She remembered her own work and how guilty she felt this morning skipping a day. She had called the school and apologized but now she felt guilty again. Would her kids like the substitute teacher? Sure, she was nice and had lovely long blonde hair. There was something about her that made Tegan feel attracted to this woman, something she didn't like. She didn't like blondes that much, but that woman was attractive. Sara told her it's normal as long as this attraction didn't turn into something Sara wouldn't approve of. She regretted telling her though, because after two days Sara asked about Natalie again. She was just joking, for sure, but Tegan knew Sara too well to know how jealous and possessive she could get. Therefore, Tegan decided to stop mentioning Natalie or even thinking about her. Nobody could compete with Sara, anyway.

She called Emy when she made sure it was time for her break. Emy had already called three times but Tegan missed it because of her situation at home.

"Hey," Emy said. "Where are you?"

"Hi, Em," she greeted; eyes fixed on the glass, watching people pass by. "I just didn't feel well." She was still not feeling great, but the nausea was slowly disappearing.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to come over after school? Guess who took your third period today?"

"No, no, no," Tegan shot. "Don't come. You don't wanna be at the house. Stacy will be there and things are a little bit tense with Sara. So yeah." She bit her lower lip. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned anything about Sara.

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's just a little situation we need to take care of." She saw Stacy walking towards her office with a plastic bag in her hands. "Umm, who taught my class?" Stacy came in just then. She sighed loudly and placed the bag on the desk.

"Moi," chirped Emy.

"You?" Stacy was trying to get her attention. She sat down behind her desk, motioning for Tegan to get the bag. Tegan pointed at her phone. "Why not Natalie?"

"She's absent, too."

"Well, that's interesting." Stacy opened the bag, took a plastic box that had a sandwich inside. She handed it to Tegan, who shrugged her shoulder. Stacy rolled her eyes frustratingly.

"Eat it, you need food," mouthed Stacy.

"Dude, your students love you. They actually hated me." Emy laughed. "They were like but Ms. Clement says this and that. I didn't know you go over every little detail. I don't usually do that. I mean, I started out like that but found out it took so much time, and you know we have a material we need to finish in a specific time so I started to skip some things."

"I can't just skip stuff. My conscience doesn't allow me. Plus, it would feel like Sara would be sitting inside my head rebuking me if I skipped something. Remember how crazy she was about going over each detail? I think I got that from her."

"Yeah," Emy said with a sigh. "And now I know Maya Angelou's entire biography and works thanks to her."

Stacy kept distracting Tegan with her mumbling and whispering. "Look, Em. I'll call you later. I have to go because Stacy's being a fucking ass right now." Stacy's eyes widened. Tegan smirked.

"Ugh, fuck her and her gorgeous blue eyes." Tegan's eyes narrowed. "She should not put that eyeliner on her upper lids like she did in your wedding because apparently my hormones are raging against my hatred for her."

"Okkayyy?" Tegan squinted at the older woman in the room. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and goodbye."

"First of all, why did you tell her I'm being an ass right now? Do you just like hearing someone talk shit about me?" Stacy's mouth opened and Tegan hoped for the good gods that it was going to close soon before she hurled. "Second of all, I've been trying to get you to eat the damn sandwich. You have to eat something. You didn't have breakfast. No coffee for you until you doctor decides what you can and cannot consume so I brought you orange juice." Stacy fished out the juice from the bag. "I also got you some crackers. They're really good for morning sickness. Sara's probably gonna make some food that will help your stomach, but for now I got you a chicken sandwich."

"God, why do you talk a lot?" Tegan took her first bite of the sandwich, almost spitting it out because of the dry texture and bad taste. "Oh God, that's horrible."

"Of course it's horrible. You're used to Sara's food and this is just hospital food."

"Thanks anyway. You can be so motherly at times, it's…" Tegan shrugged with a wrinkled nose indicating disgust. Stacy laughed, sipping the coffee she had left on her desk before going to check on Tegan in the morning. It was cold and disgusting, but Stacy was used to cold coffee. "Emy didn't say something bad about you. She actually complimented your eyes, which is weird and disturbing and made me feel nauseous again."

"She what?" Stacy stood up a little bit. Her eyes were wide and lips parted.

"Chill, she didn't say you have a nice ass, she just said you have gorgeous blue eyes."

"Oh." Stacy blushed.

Tegan's nose was still wrinkled as she looked at the older woman blushing and sipping her coffee.

"Stacy?" she decided to ask.

"Mhm?"

"Are you into girls? Other than Sara?" She smirked once again.

"Uh…yeah?" Stacy looked around at the people outside of the room. It almost felt like they were alone, away from people. But once one looked outside, they realized they're sitting right in front of everyone while they're doing their job.

"Wait...you are?" Tegan's voice was loud and excited. "Sara said you're straight."

"I identify as bisexual."

"Holy shit, but…"

"I mean everyone knew but I officially came out last year."

"That makes sense. Sara said you're hetero like two years ago." Tegan reached for the crackers after her last bite of the sandwich. "How come you have an office and, like, you're not with them?" Tegan pointed at the nurses coming and going.

"I'm their supervisor. I told you I got promoted." Stacy was working on her computer.

"Oh, yeah. What do you do exactly?"

"I supervise their work. I have to check up on all the patients in this section to see if the nurses are doing their job, being rude, nice, etc."

"That's nice. You just sit in an office all day and, like, watch people and yell at them." Stacy laughed, shaking her head.

Sometimes Tegan made her laugh with her childish humor and spontaneous behavior. Other times she felt angry with the naivety and innocence. Tegan had a soft heart and she could finally see why Sara loved her that much. But Tegan was just a kid, and that was still hard for Stacy to digest. She was still a kid.

"I don't do just that. I write reports about them. I go over the cases of the patients. Yes, I get to order and reproach but that's not fun. Plus, any small mistake will be my responsibility. But I guess everything comes with its price. The salary now is the best."

Tegan frowned. "Do I have to quit my job now that I'm pregnant? I just started. I like teaching."

"No, why would you do that?" Stacy's eyebrows were furrowed. Sara texted her, but she ignored the message that popped on the screen to answer Tegan, "There is something called maternity leave. That's what I did. You take that time off after you give birth for a couple of months and then you get back."

"What about the baby?"

Stacy held her phone to respond. Sara asked if Tegan was okay. She claimed she had finally calmed down but she was still a bit disappointed. "You find a babysitter or a nanny to put the baby with. Plus, Sara's work is flexible. She can take afternoon classes so that she can take care of the baby in the morning until you return from school, or, like. you can only get the babysitter for a couple of hours, not the entire day," Stacy talked and texted.

"Man, it's weird talking about that. I really can't even imagine it."

"Well, it's hard to imagine." Stacy stood up. "Don't think about it now. It's too soon." She mouthed something to the closed door. Tegan turned her face to the side. She saw a doctor standing outside. "Okay, I have to go. Looks like they're going to perform a surgery and they're gonna need me in there. Hopefully it won't take long. But if you feel hungry again or bored you can go to the cafeteria or something." Tegan nodded.

Sara chopped cucumber in the kitchen while Ella listened to music and danced around, a small sandwich in her hand. She had been hyper since she was picked up from kindergarten. She didn't sit down for a minute. Sara enjoyed watching her dance and jump upstairs, but once she had to start on the cooking she forced her to get down to the kitchen. Ella refused, shrugging her shoulders exactly the same way her wife did every time she refused doing something she didn't like. Sara picked her up instead, forcefully taking her to the kitchen. Sara closed the kitchen's door and played some music on her phone to silence crying Ella. A moment later the little kid forgot what she was angry about, resuming her crazy dance moves while Sara cooked. Sara had leftover chicken breasts with lemon sauce from the day before. She took the Tupperware container out of the fridge and chopped the chicken into little pieces then put it in a sandwich for Ella. She added some dressing and vegetables, too. The kid must have been hungry by now, Sara assumed. Ella ate, hummed, and danced.

"Be careful," Sara warned every few minutes. "You might fall. Slow down." Ella pulled her tongue out at Sara. She needed to get rid of that habit, Sara mentally noted. "You're gonna choke. Sit down and eat." Ella ignored her. "You're gonna throw up if you keep going round and round."

"Ahhhh," screamed Ella, hands over ears. The kid was spoiled enough to throw a tantrum over the smallest things. It made Sara wonder if Tegan was like that when she was young. She should ask Tegan. She had to know her wife's irksome childish traits just in case they end up with a whiny, scowling, moody baby. Knowing Tegan, they were sure going to get a child like that.

Stacy and Tegan were home at 5:30. They passed by Stacy's place to get the stuff the nurse needed for the night. Tegan opened the fridge then looked in the oven. Her mouth watered at the sight of the baked potato inside.

"What's for dinner?" Tegan asked.

"Why didn't you answer my text messages?" Sara asked back.

"I don't know." Tegan didn't want to talk to Sara. She didn't want to deal with her in the morning. Sara sighed. "What's for dinner?" she asked again.

"Chicken soup, baked potato with cheese and olives, and beef stew."

"Eww," Tegan mumbled. "I hate beef stew."

"It's good for morning sickness," Stacy commented. She sat at the kitchen table, her daughter sat on her lap.

"That's why I made it."

"I hate red meat, okay?"

"Don't yell at me," Sara yelled. It was loud, it was resonant. It was angry.

"I'm not yelling at you. You just hear what you want to hear." Before walking out, she added, "And don't fucking yell at me, too."

Stacy shook her head. Her best friend reached out for the bottle of wine, pouring herself another glass.

They were mostly quiet at dinner. It was hard getting Tegan down to eat with them. Stacy did the job of begging on behalf of Sara. Both Sara and Stacy had red wine in front of them while Tegan had lemon juice.

"Why can't I drink? I don't get it," Tegan asked a second time.

"It's not good. You're not supposed to drink," Stacy answered.

"How am I gonna live without alcohol for nine months?"

"Tegan, seriously, if you really want this you'll have to put up with all the things that come with it," Sara said.

Tegan dropped her spoon. "I feel like…" She shook her head. Ella was staring at them in silence. "You think I'm doing this just to get it over with."

"I forced you. It's my fault."

"You didn't force me," Tegan said. "Nobody can force me. You can't force me. You don't have a saying on me. Can't you get it? If I didn't want this, I wouldn't do it." Half of it was true. She wanted it because she wanted to make her happy. She wanted it because she wanted that happy marriage image people blabbered about. She wanted her house to become full, less empty, less sad and old.

"I get it," whispered Sara.

Sara sat on her mattress putting lotion all over her body while Tegan changed her clothes in the bathroom. The door was left open. Sara could hear her wife brushing her teeth. Her stomach was excited; she knew she wasn't going to sleep well tonight. The hope in her chest was slowly starting to blaze her cold nature, but she didn't want that hope to burn her again.

"Taking my bra off never felt better," moaned Tegan as she plopped down beside Sara. Sara smiled, but didn't say anything. "Still mad?"

Sara shrugged.

"Why?"

Sara shrugged again. A tear fell from her eyes.

"God," whispered Tegan. "I guess I should leave you in whatever destructive mood you are in. Hopefully tomorrow you'll calm down." It's not like her heart wasn't beating violently, too. It's not like dread and apprehension weren't eating her, too. It was her baby, after all. It was her womb that she worried might disappoint her once again. She decided not to face Sara as she tried to fall asleep. She didn't want Sara's teary eyes to witness her own tears.

Hours later, Sara finished the book she had been reading. Her tears had dried but her nerves never left her system. She noticed that her wife was shivering in her sleep. She smiled down at the sleeping figure and walked to her closet to fetch another blanket. She covered up Tegan and cuddled up to her. Before closing her eyes, Sara pecked the back of her wife's neck a few times.

They both woke up together at quarter past seven when Tegan pushed her wife's body to run to the bathroom. Tegan puked and vomited continuously for more than ten minutes. Sara rubbed her back this time. She held her hair and put a hand over her tummy. Sara hadn't noticed how swollen her abdomen was. It filled her heart with joy when she felt the tiniest bulb in there. When they got back to their bedroom, Sara kissed her.

"I'm sorry," Sara mouthed. "I felt jealous." Tegan sighed, nodding. She was still too nauseous to speak. "And worried."

"I did it because I needed it. I needed to try it one more time so the nagging in my mind would stop. I doubted it would work. It didn't work the first two times, so I doubted it would work this time. I denied the symptoms. I actually didn't even think much about them. I blamed it on nerves and stress over work until they were too much. Then I missed my second period, which I'm supposed to be having now, so I had to call Stacy."

"Two periods?" Tegan nodded. "That means…" Tegan nodded. "Oh, God."

"When are you gonna be happy about it?" Because Sara's face was too pale to convey happiness. Her actions also portrayed fear and uncertainty rather than joy.

"When I make sure you and she are alright." Sara bit her lower lips, blushing fiercely."Or he," Sara whispered, cheeks were ruby red.

"It's still an it." Tegan giggled. Sara kissed her again. She found her hand down Tegan's t-shirt once again, touching the small pouch there.

"You're kinda bloated. How did I not notice?"

Tegan laughed. "Come on. It's not like it's a strange appearance. It looks just like when I'm bloated before my period. Actually, I bet that's just gas."

"Oh, God. Get ready for that situation." Sara felt too excited thinking about all the things Tegan was going go through during her pregnancy. She was going to tell her about it all…as soon as they made sure their baby's fine. They were going to get books and watch documentaries. They were going to do some yoga, too. She was too damn thrilled.

"I'm okay with everything as long as it's not puking my guts out."

"This will end in your second trimester." Sara's other hand stroked her arm up and down. She was snuggling close to her wife, feeling the heat of her body close to her. She kissed her again and again until their door was opened without any warning.

Sara pulled away instantly. She squinted at the entrance. Ella trod inside barefoot. Her light brown hair was all over the place, bangs covered her sleepy eyes and cheeks were rosy. Her pajama shorts were blue and the top was pink with a mermaid drawing on the right side.

"Sasa," she ran in quickly to Sara's arms.

"Oh, hi," Sara greeted cheerfully. "How's my little angel?" Sara planted a kiss after another on the toddler's forehead and cheeks. Ella rubbed her eyes and smiled, hugging the professor tightly.

"I thought I was your little angel," Tegan remarked jokingly.

"You're my other little angel. Can't a woman have two angels?" She kissed Ella's nose as the little girl giggled.

"I feel jealous right now," Tegan mumbled. "What about my hug?"

Ella jumped in her arms, hugging and laughing. Tegan kissed her head and held her close.

"Where's mummy, Ella?" Sara asked.

"I don't know."

Sara hummed. She lay down again, squeezing Ella between her and her wife.

"I woke up but she was gone."

"She's probably in the bathroom." Sara yawned. She grabbed her phone and looked at the time. It was still a bit before eight. They had to get up and get ready soon, but the bed never felt so calm. This could be their child lying between them in less than a year from now. She shook her head at herself. She didn't want to be too hopeful. She checked her text messages and social media accounts while her wife whispered and giggled with Ella.

"Ella?" Stacy's panicked voice shouted. "Where is my kid?" Her voice was louder this time.

Sara rose up again. "She's here, Stace."

They heard her footsteps getting closer by the second. "Oh my God, this kid is gonna give me a heart attack." She stepped in with hair dripping on her exposed shoulders. The towel was wrapped around her body. Her face was clear of makeup. Tegan had never seen Stacy looking so natural.

"She's right here. Where would she go?" Sara said.

"I don't know. It's my motherly instinct. I hate it. Whenever she disappears, I panic." Stacy glared at her smirking daughter. Ella covered both eyes with her tiny hands. Her fingers were apart so she could look at her angry mom. "How about I get you grounded?"

"No," screamed Ella, removing her hands from her eyes. "You weren't there. You weren't there…back there." She pointed at the door.

"I told you many times never move from your place when you find me gone until I come back. How many times did I tell you?"

"No." Ella stuck her tongue out. Stacy was getting impatient. The couple looked at each other awkwardly.

"It's not like she got lost, relax," Tegan said. "She just came here."

"That's not the point. The point is she shouldn't move when she's alone until mommy tells her to. Right, Ella?" Ella nodded guiltily. "And mommy was not around this time yet Ella decided to move and make mommy worry." Sara almost burst in laughter. Ella nodded again. "So what should Ella do?"

"Sorry," apologized the little girl. "I won't do it again." Stacy stood there with her hands on her hips.

"Did you also come in here without knocking like last time?" Ella nodded. The time before, Ella came in while Tegan was topless in bed. Her mother told her not to barge in without knocking. "What do you have to say to them?"

"They weren't naked. They were kissing." Ella blushed.

"Ella," her mother's voice rose a little bit.

"I'm sorry Sasa and Tegum." Tegan laughed, kissing her cheek.

"I need some lessons, Stacy. You're good at this," she said. "Sara will probably make my kid say the F word before he could even speak."

"He?" Sara said.

"Or she." Tegan smiled.

"Oh my God, you made up." Stacy ran to give both of them a hug. "My magic worked."

"Dude, you're wet. Get away from me." Sara pushed her friend away. "The only wetness I like is…"

"Ralph," Tegan interrupted with a warning octave.

"Fine, sorry. Destroy the joke."

Stacy made them breakfast before they went to the doctor. She told them she'd be waiting for the good news in her apartment. It was a routine, mostly; Stacy would spend one day at Sara's and the couple would spend the next at her house. They didn't mind it, though. Tegan liked it in fact. They usually got drunk and started watching some reality TV. At the end of the night Stacy would invite them to sleep at her house because both were too wasted to drive back home. They'd agree because they'd be tired. Only one time they both had sex in the guest bedroom. Stacy knew when her daughter barged in on the semi-nude bodies of her friends.

Sara held her wife's hand; both looked at the screen impatiently. Doctor Anderson asked a couple of questions before doing the ultra sound. The doctor was quiet, seemed restless. She was never a fan of their relationship, but her silence confused and scared Tegan.

"Alright," said the doctor with a sigh. "I did not expect this."

"What's wrong?" Sara asked, fear slowly coloring her face.

"Is everything okay?" Tegan asked.

"Is the baby okay?" Sara asked right after.

"I'm not pregnant, am I?" Tegan frowned. Sara squeezed her hand, narrowing her eyes at the screen. Tegan couldn't understand anything. To her, whatever was there inside her womb seemed like tiny little shapes of nonsense.

"You're definitely almost seven weeks along," said the doctor. Tegan looked at her lover. Sara's eyes were wide and teary. She looked at the screen again, trying her best to understand what disaster was there that made her wife tear up. "You see it too, Sara?" Sara nodded, crying and laughing at the same time. She looked at confounded Tegan and cried more.

"What's going on?" asked Tegan.

"You have, umm, not one but two…two babies in there," Sara announced. She held two fingers up, not believing her eyes while Tegan wasn't able to believe what she had just heard.

"Two?" Tegan said, sitting up a bit. "Twins?" She looked at the doctor, who nodded with half a smile.

"Identical twins," said the doctor.

"I'm speechless." Sara's voice was raspy. "Is everything alright with her and them?"

Tegan, too, was speechless; unable to utter a single word until they were both in the car. She was fine. Her babies were fine. She was given vitamins, she was told not to drink, only one cup of coffee was allowed daily, and she was advised not to put herself under pressure and stress until she's in the safe zone of her pregnancy.

"Two, Sare, not just one," Tegan stated. It was her third time saying this in the car.

Sara laughed. "I know. That's crazy. I'm…you don't even know how I feel right now. I wanna yell it to everyone in the street."

"But wow, I mean. That's…they're two."

"I know!"

"I mean. Fuck, Sara, I don't know what to say."

Sara smiled at her then winked. It was that special wink she could never tire to look at.

"There must be some type of multiple babies gene in my family. I mean the first time three, this time two." Tegan paused. "What if we lose them again?"

"No, don't say that please." Even though that was a possibility. Even Dr. Anderson mentioned it. She said that if Tegan felt anything strange, she should quickly call her or get to the hospital. "Let's just...let's not think about this."

"You know how you said you won't be happy until you know me and my baby are fine?" Sara nodded. "Well, I feel like we won't be really happy until…"

"We both hold them in our arms."

"Yeah." She squeezed Sara's arm gently, not wanting to distract her from the road. "Are we gonna tell people?"

"Stacy already knows," Sara said. "But your friends will probably know because I won't shut up on Monday." Tegan laughed. "It's not just my birthday. It's gonna be a celebration day."

"You just wanna brag," Tegan joked.

"Of course." Sara winked again. "But other than your close friends, we can't tell anyone until it's safe."

"What about mum?"

"You'll have to tell her, Tee." Tegan sighed. "I know. But you have to. Just in case…"

"Things go wrong again, I know." Tegan could tell they were heading towards Stacy's place. She felt hungry, very hungry. She hoped their friend made something delicious and didn't have meat in it. "She was so tough on you when…" Tegan cut herself off. They never talked about their previous loss. They didn't discuss it in details. They didn't talk about Sonia's words or Sara's feelings. But Tegan felt like it was time.

"She was being a mother," Sara said. "That's what mothers do."

"Sara, it's not that. It's just that whenever you call her now, she's too cold and too bitchy towards you. I know it hurts you. I told her many times it's not your fault and we didn't even know I was pregnant. Plus, what happened would have happened even if we knew. I mean, it might happen just now."

"Tegan." Sara looked at her. "Let's not talk about this. Let's put it behind us. I think Dr. Anderson was pretty clear you should not over stress yourself." The car was already parked down the street of Stacy's building. The professor leaned in to kiss her wife. "Come on. Let's go brag about our babies to Stacy."

Stacy opened the door with a storm of questions. She asked about everything Sara was already going to talk about. Tegan found Ella rolling around on the floor with tears in her eyes. The apartment, as usual, was a mess.

"Calm down," Sara said, laughing at her friend's talkative nature. "Let me breathe. I'll tell you everything." She plopped down on the couch next to Tegan. They both looked at the dramatic outburst of the little girl.

"Ella, get up," Stacy ordered. "Stop doing that. We have guests."

"They're not guests," Ella said, crying more. "They're Tegum and Sasa."

"Is she ever gonna get your name right?" whispered Sara.

"Shut up. It's cute," answered Tegan, clearly amused about Ella's tantrum.

"You know what, just ignore her. She's been naughty lately and doesn't want to do anything I tell her. Once I get angry and stop talking to her, she does this. Only babies do this."

"I'm a baby," Ella whined, her cries increased.

"Wow, this is what we're gonna deal with?" Sara wondered loudly.

"Yeah, but it's gonna be doubled, can you believe it?" Tegan said.

"Wait," exclaimed the other woman. "Tell me already. What's happening? Everything is alright, right?" Her smile was big and happy.

Sara nodded proudly. "And guess what?"

"We're having twins," Tegan announced, her hand on her tummy.

"Shut the fuck up," shouted Stacy. She covered her mouth quickly, looking at her daughter. "Oops."

"It's true," said Sara. "Two, not just one…two."

Ella got up quickly. "You're gonna have babies?" she asked.

Tegan looked at her wife. Sara shrugged.

"Yup," Tegan said. "I have a baby in here." She pointed at her stomach. Ella seemed confused. "Two actually." Ella gasped.

"But your tummy isn't big." She stepped closer, inspecting with her eyes.

"It's because they're small. Very small babies." Ella put her hand next to Tegan's. She giggled and blushed.

Sara was afraid it was too early to get excited. She was afraid it was too soon to tell everyone. But she couldn't hide her excitement and bewilderment, neither could Tegan.

"She's a bit confused," Stacy said.

"Yeah," mumbled Tegan. "Is everything okay, Ella?" The four-year-old was quiet, thunderstruck, and overwhelmed.

"You and Sasa are both mommies?" she asked.

"We will be when they arrive."

"Why two?"

"That's how it is." Tegan wasn't sure how to explain all the details to a small girl. "Sometimes we have more than one baby at the same time."

"Is it because you two are mommies and there is no daddy?" Sara raised her eyebrows.

"Well," spoke Sara, taking the small girl in her lap, "that's not necessary. Even mommies and daddies can get two babies."

"But how? How do you put two babies in there and not one?"

Stacy sipped her glass of wine, smirking at the two uncomfortable women. "This should be fun," she said, earning a glare from the couple.

"You know who knows better about this?" Ella shook her head. "Mommy." Stacy gasped.

"You f…"

Tegan was laughing.

"Yup. She knows how and she will tell you before you go to bed tonight."

Ella looked at her mother. "Okay." She hopped off Sara's lap. "I'm sorry, mommy," she said. "I'll eat my vegetables now."

"Good job, sweetie," Stacy said. "You will pay, Sara," she said again. Tegan was still laughing. "Because you're having two of this, not just one." Sara joined the laughter.


	25. I Love You, By the Way

**Chapter Content: Sex and Religion**

* * *

Her hormones angered and confused her. She slept way too early the previous night. She didn't even wish Sara a happy birthday because she fell asleep while reading. It was eight something in the evening. She woke up at six. Sara was asleep by her side. She woke up aroused. She went to the bathroom to find her underwear full of her fluids. She didn't even remember having a dream. She didn't puke that day; that was good. But she felt irritated and hot.

She wished Sara a happy birthday when the older woman woke up, joking sweetly about finding her drooling next to the opened book last night while she had something else in mind. "I was gonna touch myself but I just slept right away."

"Oh, trust me. I'll make it up to you, tonight," she whispered with more rasp in her octave, covering Sara's soft skin in goosebumps.

"On a work night?" Sara raised an eyebrow. "Let's see if you'll last till eleven." Tegan laughed, pushing her slightly. She had plans in mind. It was her lover's birthday. She hoped she could take a nap after school but their friends were to arrive at six, so she doubted she'd have time.

"Happy birthday, Sara. I hope you have a good one," Sara read Jack's message out loud.

"Say happy birthday to Sara and please tell me what she wants for her birthday because I don't know what one gets a Sara," Tegan read Emy's message loudly.

"A Sara?" Tegan was laughing and Sara joined her. "Like I'm a special species?"

"You intimidate her."

"Tell her to surprise me." Sara winked, going to the bathroom.

Tegan arrived to her work earlier than before. Emy was already there with coffee in her hand. "You're here," shouted Emy. "Coffee?" the woman offered.

"No. I had one with Sara."

"You usually have five."

"Umm…" Tegan pondered whether she'd tell her or not. She wanted to, but she didn't want to make a scene. Knowing Emy, some jumping and squealing was going to happen if she told her. "Well, uhh…"

Emy's eyes narrowed, studying the nervous reaction of her friend. "Well?" she insisted.

"Let's just say I'm gonna be drinking less coffee for the next few months."

"I don't get it," she flat out screamed while chewing on her cheese sandwich. "Is it like a health thing?"

"I'm pregnant, Emy."

"Holy…" Emy almost choked on her bite. "No, wait." She coughed. Her eyes were teary. "You have…a baby…a baby in there." Emy pointed at her tummy.

"Yeah. Relax…relax." It felt like old times when they were at college and her best friend got herself too excited she lost the ability of speech.

"I'm gonna be an aunt. Oh my God, I'm gonna be an aunt." Tegan's eyes were slowly opening up as her friend danced around. That was embarrassing for a teacher to do. Gladly, not many people were around. "How far along?"

"Just chill. Let me speak." It was cute, in fact; Emy considered herself Tegan's sister now. She considered herself an aunt.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." Emy calmed down but her cheeks remained rosy and heated. "Speak."

"Seven weeks now." Tegan beamed, her teeth showed as her smile grew bigger and bigger. "It's still early to be this excited but…"

"I'm so happy for you." Emy hugged her. "Everything will go well. I know it. I have a feeling."

"There's something else." Tegan bit her lower lip. "They're twins."

This time Emy did not jump nor scream. Her mouth opened and her eyes were dilated in wonder. "What?"

Tegan laughed. "Yeah." She put her hand over her stomach. "But Sara wanted for us to tell you and Jeremy tonight. So only Jeremy will be surprised, I guess."

"This is great news."

It was great news. But the great news scared her. It made her alarmed each minute. If she felt a cramp she worried and sat down, waiting for the awful to happen. She ate what Sara prepared for her; she did everything the doctor told her. She had to do that every day for the rest of her pregnancy, hoping it would last and dreading the fact that there was a huge chance it wouldn't last.

Sara's heart almost stopped when her friends yelled, _'Surprise'_ as she entered the meetings room. She cupped her mouth, ready to cry.

"Oh, don't cry, love. We didn't want to scare you." Dana ran up to her, hugging the professor who was in tears of shock and happiness. Nobody had ever surprised her in her birthday. She thought it would never happen. "Happy birthday, love."

She was hugged by all her friends in the faculty. Then it was Jack's turn to hug her, but she offered her hand instead. She didn't want to hug him. Awkwardly, he shook her hand. She smiled politely at him and turned around to find Dana lighting up the candles on the cake.

"This is from all of us," Dana said.

"It's her idea, don't believe her," Charlotte said.

"She thought, she planned, we got the stuff," Annie added.

"I'm still speechless and I need a minute to absorb this." Sara's face was as red as a cherry. She had never loved life as much as she did now. She wanted to cry and kneel down, thanking her Lord for everything he was bestowing on her. She wanted to call her mother and fill her in on everything. She wanted these blessings to last. And Oh, God, how she dreaded they wouldn't. I mean, that was life, right? You get joy for a day and misery for eternity. Life always gave her something small then took an enormous portion of her happiness, so was she to wait for her happiness to fade now? _Please, God_ , she prayed inside her head, _please don't take what I have. Please don't desert me. I never left you, please don't leave me._

If Tegan heard her silent prayers, she'd mock her, but she couldn't help it; she was a believer. She couldn't stop it. Tegan didn't like talking about religion with her. She didn't comment on her praying or her going to church every once in awhile, but it always left her restless and uneasy when Sara mentioned church or God, or religion. She remained silent or shrugged. Religion was not an easy topic for them at home. She believed, Tegan didn't. What about their children? Who was going to decide? That was way too early to marvel at, but she couldn't help not to wonder inside her mind as she ate her piece of cake.

"Next birthday, please don't put my age. It's not nice being above 35."

"Oh, shut up. You're like the baby of the faculty, Sara," Dana said. "Everyone here is in their 40s but you don't see them complaining, right?" Everybody said something in unison that Sara could barely hear.

"I don't know how to thank all of you. You made my day. I never felt so happy." Sara wanted to cry again, but her eyes met Jack's and she didn't.

All her friends got her a gift basket that consisted of her favorite stuff; wine, coffee, cheese, a nice silver cutlery set, a notebook, Swiss chocolate, tulips, and a huge book that consisted of all Shakespeare's works. Sara laughed, knowing exactly whose idea was that. She looked at Jack and he winked. She smiled awkwardly but she wasn't flattered. It was a nice gesture but Jack needn't wink. He didn't seem to be getting it.

Emy sat next to wheezing Tegan. She handed her a glass of water and rubbed her back. "What happened?" She whispered. "You were fine this morning."

"You know morning sickness?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, now it's just plain sickness." Tegan drank her water and grabbed her sore breasts. "The pain in my breasts isn't even funny." Emy looked at the nurse who was measuring her blood pressure. She almost fainted in class. She was glad her lecture was over. She took herself to the nurse to get tested. When asked, Tegan didn't lie to the nurse. She told her she was pregnant. She asked for it to remain a secret.

"Just relax. These are common symptoms," Emy whispered. "I remember when my mum was pregnant," she continued in a low tone. "It was such a tough pregnancy because she was old." Tegan squeezed her friend's knee. There was no need for dark memories.

"Some kid had this awful cologne that irritated me and I spent the last hour puking."

"That's rather normal Ms. Clement. You just need to rest for now. Do you have a class?"

"No. I have a break." Thank God.

Emy walked with Tegan outside. They needed fresh air. Tegan couldn't bear sitting in her classroom, though she had to correct the quiz she had given her students.

"I still don't know what to get Sara," stated Emy.

"Sara's the person who nobody knows what to get for their birthday," Tegan said.

"What did you get her?"

"Some expensive ass china set she was eye fucking the other day."

"Seriously?" Tegan shrugged. "Come on, Tee. She did so much for your birthday."

"You see this?" Tegan pointed at her body. "Remember it?" Emy's eyes widened, her cheeks reddened. "That's all hers."

"I can't believe I was into you one day."

Tegan guffawed. "I can't believe you're into Stacy."

"I'm not," Emy shouted. "Who said that?"

"Those gorgeous blue eyes," Tegan mocked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Shut up." Emy was blushing. "I hate her. I swear. Why would I be into someone thirteen years older than me? Let alone a straight single mother."

"She's not straight."

"Really?" Emy smiled. "I mean, I don't care. I'm not into her. Yeah, she's attractive. But no fucking way."

"Okay, feel whatever you want towards her but please behave tonight. We don't need more rivalry. It's Sara's birthday, don't make her hate you, please."

"Fine, bitch." Nothing felt better than having that friendship they had way before drama started, way before Sara came into the picture, way before all the complications their lives dragged in.

Sara told Tegan about the surprise and Tegan told Sara about her getting sick. Tegan rested on the couch upstairs. Sara sat at the other end, rubbing her wife's feet.

"I should be the one giving you the special treatment since it's your birthday." Sara laughed. "But seriously, your hands are gold." Tegan released a pleasured sigh.

"You're pregnant; expect this lavish kindness from now on."

"Oh, so you only love me because I'm pregnant?" Tegan teased, her hand rubbed her own sore breasts.

"It's not for you, it's for them," Sara joked. "I love them more than you."

"I feel betrayed." Sara leaned in to give her a kiss. "Mmm, you know how to shut me up, don't you?"

"I want to fuck you so bad," moaned Sara in her wife's ear. "I want to taste your pussy."

Tegan had been turned on since the early morning, she didn't need dirty talking to make her need become animalistic. However, Sara pulled away before she could act on what she had in mind. They couldn't. They barely had time to cook before their friends arrived.

Stacy and hyper Ella arrived first. Sara removed a couple of crystal vases and centerpieces from the tables downstairs. Ella almost knocked over Sara's favorite candle holder. Stacy brought the cake and a tray of Oreo truffles covered in Hershey's kisses chocolate. Jeremy and Denise arrived after. Jeremy's girlfriend had baked delicious-looking cinnamon rolls. Sara didn't tell anyone to bring sweets, but they did by default.

Tegan gave each a glass of wine as they began to chat. Ella was giving her mother a hard time. "I don't know what's going on with her. Her teachers are complaining, too."

"I think she wants attention," Sara remarked.

"All I do is give her attention," Stacy said.

"Maybe that's the problem?" Jeremy said. "Maybe she's getting spoiled? My mother did that with my youngest sister. Especially that she was going through a divorce so she kinda dedicated all her time to spoiling my sister. Maggie had the same attitude."

"That's reasonable," said Sara. "I mean, we give her a lot of our attention and once we're talking, she does these weird dance moves or knocks something over or says something inappropriate and random."

"Great, now I have to deal with that." Stacy sighed.

"I think you should ignore her to a certain extent when she does these things. She has to know that there is time for her and time for others," Denise suggested.

"And now with the babies and all, she's probably gonna feel more left out from me and Tegan." Sara bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, realizing her mistake. "Shit, I forgot."

The couple didn't say anything. They both looked at Tegan. Sara really couldn't hold it in. Tegan was going to tell them tonight but she wanted to do it by herself. She told Sara that she had already told Emy, and she wanted to tell Jeremy, too.

So Tegan had to explain what Sara was talking about. The couple's reaction was way more reserved than Emy's. Jeremy gave her a hug and Denise squeezed her shoulder.

Then Emy arrived in a red dress with small white flowers on it. It had buttons and the skirt had a nice flowy style. The sleeves stopped at her elbows and the top was tight. Her hair was tied in a ponytail and she had red lipsticks, which brought out her small blue eyes and reflected her pale complexion nicely.

Emy had never worn a dress.

Jeremy laughed. "Look whose mother is dressing them again."

"What, bitch?" Emy said. "I can't wear a dress because I'm gay?"

"There's a kid," Stacy commented, eyeing the friend up and down.

Emy ignored the woman. "Happy birthday, Sara." Sara was shocked, scanning Emy up and down. Tegan knew Sara wished she wore dresses, but that was not her style.

Luckily for Sara, the two rivals did not interact with each other until later at night when everyone was a bit tipsy and Sara was fully wasted. Emy sat next to her friends and Stacy sat next to Sara. Tegan switched between the two groups. However, at the end Sara was completely wasted she wasn't aware of what she was saying. And fortunately for the mother, Ella finally fell asleep on a lounge chair after throwing a huge tantrum for no reason at all.

Tegan brought in the desserts their friends brought and the one she and Sara baked together: peach pie.

Emy was enjoying the truffles way too much. She moaned at the taste and texture, "Shit, Jeremy, try this." Tegan could see the nurse smirking, sipping her wine in a relaxed manner.

"I did," Jeremy said quietly. "Stop drinking, Emy," he added. "Seriously." Emy didn't care. He was her ride. Why would she stop?

"Oh, leave her. We're having fun," Sara, the drunk, said back. Tegan was the only fully sober one. Stacy didn't drink much, too.

"Tegan, can I marry Sara, too? This is the most beautiful thing I've ever tasted. It's better than sex."

Stacy's wicked smile was increasing as she licked her lips.

"Stacy made this, not me," Sara said.

"Oh…" Emy looked at the proud woman, smiling evilly at her. "Well then, Stacy, I'll marry you if you make this for me every day and you'll get whatever you want." Tegan gasped and laughed. Her friend must have been that drunk.

"What makes you think I'll marry you?" Stacy said. "I mean, if that's better than sex, then, sweetie, you need to learn how to have good sex at least before thinking about marrying me."

Emy tensed up. She left the plate with the small truffles and sat up straight. "Get over your fucking self because apparently you're too far up your ass to take a joke," Emy said. "And trust me; I'd rather marry the creepy ass janitor at school than marry someone like you."

"Hey, hey, you guys," Tegan raised her voice. "What the hell? We were just chilling and joking."

Sara stood up; her face grave-looking and her posture intense. "Look, you two, you either shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my birthday or choose one of the rooms upstairs to solve whatever sexual tension there is between you because it's getting ridiculous."

"Told ya," Jeremy whispered in his friend's ear. Tegan glared at him. "What? It's obvious. That's what Emy does when she likes someone."

The two women didn't say anything anymore. Sara continued looking at both of them for a minute until she held up her glass and said, "This is my birthday. I have my friends here, I have my wife here; the person I love more than anyone in the world is here, I have my best friend here, I have a house, I have a job, I have people I care about beside me, I'm 36, I'm having a baby…" Sara shrugged, "Or two…So yeah I actually have everything and I don't want any of you to ruin it, okay?" Sara hiccuped.

"Babe, you're really drunk," Tegan commented. "Just sit down and stop drinking."

"Hey, I'm having fun."

"You have work tomorrow."

Everybody left soon after. Sara was officially losing it. She began dancing to really bad music and Emy joined her. Tegan was getting tired and irritated. She wanted to take off her clothes and rest.

Sara left the bathroom and yawned, checking her phone and making sure to put her alarm to wake her and her wife in the morning. Tegan was rubbing her left breast on the mattress.

"You know, I'm not really that drunk. I just acted drunk so they could leave. They weren't gonna leave."

Tegan looked back at her wife and shrugged. "It's ten; of course they weren't gonna leave. Next time we're choosing weekends."

"Are you okay?" Sara sat beside her. She removed Tegan's hand off her breast and started massaging instead. "It hurts?"

"Yeah. Since this morning. I was fine. It's like as soon as I knew I'm actually pregnant, everything began to hurt? Is it mental?"

"It was already hurting but you didn't pay attention." Tegan yawned, nodding. "So thank you for the china. You have no idea how much I wanted that."

"Seriously?" Laughed Tegan. "I thought you'd hate me I didn't get you something sentimental nor did something, you know, special after all the stuff you did for my birthday."

Sara laughed, too. "I'm not like that. I don't love you to get things from you. I don't even expect that. Plus, isn't it enough you're doing this?" She pointed at her stomach. "This alone is a gift I'll never be able to repay."

"Don't consider it like that, Sara. I want it, too."

"Yeah, but if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be knocked up right now." Sara kissed her cheek. She couldn't resist the florid skin that met her eyes.

"Let's not talk about that now. I have something for you. Just let me go to the bathroom. You relax, okay?"

Sara's infamous smirk appeared on her face. "I think I already know what you're planning."

"Shut up and sit."

"Yes, Ma'am." Tegan disappeared and Sara sat in a chair at the corner of the room. She thought about the previous years and how she didn't even expect celebrating another birthday. Two years ago she celebrated turning 34 in the hospital. She scoffed and mocked everyone who wished her a happy birthday. She was dying; she didn't need to get farther in years. She just wanted to end her misery. A year ago when she turned 35, she was in recovery. It was still not happy for her. Her hair was slowly growing and her body was still adjusting to the hormone replacement. She still lived with Stacy and it had been a time of anguish for her friend. Sara had been waiting to have a full recovery in order to chase Tegan again. That weekend, she remembered, she had just gotten news about her lover. Stacy called Tegan's number twice and hung up before she could say any word when Sara was too scared to speak. Sara was still afraid of the chase she had to do just in case she got sick again. And now, a year later, she was sitting in her big house, waiting for her lover to leave the bathroom, and waiting for her babies to arrive in almost seven months.

Tegan opened the bathroom's door slowly. "Sare?" She pulled her head out of the small crevice. Sara looked up at her, her thoughts coming to a stop. "Don't laugh, okay?" Sara's lips, involuntarily, began to stretch on her face.

Tegan walked out slowly, her lips pressed together and her cheeks flushed. Sara didn't laugh; she stared in wonder at her lover's gorgeous body. Tegan was clad in lace baby blue lingerie. The bra was thin and small. The thong was barely covering anything, not that Sara minded.

"This is the first time I see you in sexy lingerie," commented Sara. "Wow."

"You like it?" Her wife stepped closer. "I was hesitant. I don't usually feel comfortable in my feminine side, you see."

"I know." Sara pulled her closer until the younger woman was seated on top of her lover's legs on that chair. "I love this."

"I know you'd like me to wear dresses or skirts and, like, you know, these sexy night stuff but, uh…" Tegan giggled nervously. "I always feel awkward."

"I like you the way you are," Sara whispered, caressing her cheeks softly. "I don't care what you wear, really. As long as I can see you naked, I don't give a damn." Tegan giggled again. "I want to ravish you." She leaned in for a kiss, but Tegan pulled her face away.

"Okay, umm, look, it's your birthday, right?"

"Mhm?" Sara was getting turned on, and that was worse than getting wasted because she could barely think of what was happening around her. She wanted to kiss those plump lips immediately.

"Yeah, so…like, I want you to do whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want, too."

"Good, because I want to do you so bad right now." She took a taste of Tegan's lips before Tegan pulled away again. Sara closed her eyes to control herself. She felt her center becoming moist. That was good. That was very good. "Tegan," she whined.

"But it's your birthday. You're the one who should be…did." Tegan giggled.

"Fuck, let me just fuck you. That's how I get off."

That did not help Tegan's state of arousal. She caved in. If Sara didn't want to be the one touched that was fine by her. It was perfect, in fact. She hopped off Sara's legs. Sara groaned. "Okay, so…" she pointed at her small body. "Do whatever you want."

"Get the dildo and the harness."

"Mmm, I figured." Tegan walked up to the closet. She walked inside and rummaged through the boxes on the top shelf. "Which one?"

"Whatever you want." Sara had purchased a new one recently. It was flesh-colored, too. It was almost the same style and length as the pink one they had bought together. Sara wanted that new one to be used on her, since she couldn't take the big one they already had from years ago. Tegan came out with the safe pink one and the leather harness that Sara preferred. Sara was getting undressed. "You better not fall asleep," Sara joked.

"Shut up." Tegan handed her wife the toy.

"Don't take that off," Sara stopped the younger woman before she could remove the bra. She sat on the chair once again and opened her legs. "Come here."

"Oh, I'm gonna ride you?"

"Yes, can you?" Tegan was already approaching her, a bit timid, but she didn't seem like she abhorred the idea. Sara pulled the blue lace of her thong to the side, revealing her drenched lips.

"Yeah, but help me." She put a hand on Sara's shoulder and one on the phallus. She giggled when Sara put her fingers on her lips, opening them up for her. "Okaayyy," she moaned as her walls slowly hugged the head of the toy. She closed her eyes and breathed through her lips once the toy was fully inside.

Sara kissed her right away. She smiled through the kiss and teased with her tongue, making Sara search and chase for it until she sucked it inside her lips and rubbed it with her own tongue. Tegan circled her arms around Sara's neck, beginning to rise and fall on top of her.

"It feels good?" Sara asked through the kiss.

"Mmmm." Tegan was lost in a rainbow of bliss and satisfaction. She wanted more of Sara and Sara was generous enough to offer, beginning to suck down her jaw, behind her ears, and bite at her supple neck. Tegan's actions quickened and Sara helped her by thrusting from her seat. She rose and fell, rose and fell, got up and jumped down on the fake dick. Her juices stained the cushion of the couch and her sweat covered her chest and brow.

Sara pulled her right breast out of the cup and took her nipple between her lips, biting gently then sucking. When she looked down, she smiled cheerily at the wonderful sight, her body's movements slowing down due to exhaustion.

Sara looked up at her as she completely stopped moving, preferring to roll her hips on the toy to gain her breath back. Sara brushed her hair back and kissed her lips again. "Tired?" She nodded. Sara rubbed her clit for a few seconds, making her close her eyes and resume her previous activity. She hugged Sara's chest and put her head on her shoulder, wheezing on the heated skin. "Love, put your legs around me and hold me real tight. Let's take this to the bed, I'll help you out."

"Yeah," she murmured, hoping Sara wouldn't drop her.

It was strange being carried with the toy in her. When Sara put her down on the mattress, the toy slipped out of her. A rush of pain gushed between her legs at the sudden departure. She closed her legs and touched her breast, rubbing and kneading. Sara opened her legs again and thrust back into her. "This should be better." Sara smiled down at her and she smiled back. She lifted up her legs and put them against her wife's chest. Sara thrust too quickly and too hard, she enjoyed it very much.

Sara kissed her ankles as she pushed. Her moans rang in Sara's ears. The professor herself was getting there. She put her finger back on the swollen clit and began to circle it. Tegan's voice became louder.

"I'm close," Tegan informed her. "Shit."

Sara put her legs down and leaned in to lie on top of her, moving her hips only, which increased the speed and the pressure between Tegan's legs. As soon as Sara began to kiss her, she felt the orgasm beginning to form in her lower abdomen till it took her by surprise all at once. She screamed when she felt it again right after. Sara kissed her one last time before pulling away.

"Multiple orgasms?" Sara asked.

"How did you know?"

"It's offensive to ask me that." Sara lay down beside her, both breathing heavily. "Enjoyed it?" Tegan moaned. "Exhausted?" Tegan hummed, closing her eyes. "Are they okay?" Her hand reached Tegan's lower abdomen, feeling the almost unnoticeable bump.

"Yeah, they are. They're sleepy." Tegan laughed.

"Well, they just watched their mommies have sex. I think it exhausted them."

Tegan giggled, sitting up a bit. "That's disturbing." She yawned. "Can you rest on the pillow?"

"What do you have in mind?" Sara was smirking. She did what she was told.

Tegan sat between her legs; she held onto the phallus and took a deep breath. "Don't laugh."

But Sara laughed when Tegan started giving a blow job to the toy. "You keep saying don't laugh as if you're gonna do something funny and it's just sex, Tegan. Why would I laugh?"

"You're laughing." Tegan wiped her lips. "I taste disgusting, by the way."

"You don't," Sara said. "And I was laughing at you saying don't laugh."

Tegan didn't say anything. She removed the toy and the harness and spread Sara's legs, looking at her with narrowed eyes. She ate her out until she came. Then Sara asked, "I want to ride your face…but, uh, not now."

"Why not? You can do it now."

"No, I'm tired." Sara blushed. "First thing tomorrow when we get back from work." Tegan laughed. "See, now that's a thing to laugh at."

The next day was rough for Tegan. She reached school late and found Emy smoking outside. As soon as her friend spotted her, she threw the cigarette and stepped on it.

"Morning," Emy said. "Why late?"

"I threw up five times this morning." Tegan held her stomach.

"Same sister," Emy said, putting a piece of strawberry gum in her mouth. "I have the worst hangover in the history of hangovers." She offered Tegan one but Tegan refused. She preferred to sip her detox water instead.

"Do you remember your argument with Stacy last night?" Tegan tried to reach Stacy this morning, but the nurse didn't respond. "Because I think you went overboard with your joke."

"No?" Emy furrowed her brows. "What did I say?" Her cheeks turned immediately. Tegan nodded.

"Nothing," whispered Tegan. "But you two should really not be in the same room ever again. It's getting annoying."

"Oh." Emy looked restless, almost guilty. "Should I apologize?"

"Just leave her alone because she'll hurt you with her words if you said something else." And it's not like Stacy was completely innocent. She started it in fact, but Tegan didn't want to admit that to Emy so she wouldn't fuel the fire.

The good part of the day was that Tegan's classes were fun and chill. They were discussing one of Tegan's all time favorite novels, _The Great Gatsby._ It was a nice discussion in which she allowed her students to brainstorm some metaphors for Gatsby without telling them the intentions of the writer. She listened without correcting anyone. She was planning to do that until they reached the conclusion that Fitzgerald was really talking about America and the American Dream.

As for Sara, her topic of discussion with her students was as interesting as well. In her English Literature in the 20th Century course, Sara focused on female writers mostly. She shed the light on Katherine Mansfield, Jean Rhys, and Virginia Woolf. She told her students that in this course the professors always focus on T.S. Eliot and James Joyce, which she had done in the past as well, but this time she wanted to teach it from a different angle. It was Tegan's question that made her think about it.

They were discussion some modernist writing over the summer when Tegan asked her, "How come I studied about five works by T.S. Eliot and only one short story by Virginia Woolf?" Tegan was slowly becoming obsessed with the writer and her complex and emotional relationship with her lover, Vita Sackville West. "Isn't it unfair that professors aren't discovering how amazing her works are? I mean, come on, did you even read anything other than Mrs. Dalloway by her?"

Sara had to think for awhile before shaking her head. "I mostly majored in American literature, so yeah. I neglected a big part in the English literature, to be honest."

"Exactly," Tegan argued. "Why don't you read some of the books I bought? Try _To the Lighthouse._ I have some amazing theories about it."

And so Sara and her wife spent their days reading Virginia Woolf till the professor found herself falling in love with this author she had never met, absentmindedly connecting her life with the author's, drawing connections, taking deep looks, analyzing almost every word. Tegan made her read some of Katherine Mansfield's works, too. Therefore, she decided to focus on female writers in this course this time.

"It was very hard to read," one of her students said. "And quite depressing. I had to pause after almost each page and think." Sara nodded, that's how she had felt reading this novel.

Another student raised her hands. Sara nodded at her. "It's like she's stuck inside her memories. She can't get over them. All her characters are obviously effigies of people she encountered in real life."

"That's actually true," the professor commented while she sat on top of her desk. "This novel, in particular, is an embodiment of her family and the death of her mother." One guy raised his hands, but Sara ignored him in order to finish her point. "Woolf does not care about the plot as much as she focuses on time, thoughts, senses, what people like to call Stream of Consciousness, and I like to call internal monologue, which we all have." Sara held her copy of the book. "I mean look at the form. She's questioning, she has fragmented sentences all over, she's debating within herself, her characters are brought to reality by the way she describes them, by the way she delivers human emotions." She put her book down next to her and lifted up the part of the creamy cardigan that had fallen off her shoulder. "Yes, Eric?" she finally allowed her student to speak.

"I don't know if anyone here had read more works, but like Sam said, it's kinda fascinating that she is actually stuck inside her memories. She uses the same characters but gives them different names."

Sara hummed. "Can you elaborate on that, please?" Her wife had the same theory.

"I mean, you've read _Mrs. Dalloway_ , right?" Sara nodded. "You've read _The Voyage Out_?"

"Of course." Sara chuckled. "My wife forced me to read _The Voyage Out_ then reread _Mrs. Dalloway_ , so I guess I understand your point."

"Exactly. She used the same character in her books even though they were literally ten years apart. She always addresses the sea and the waves, she hints on matters that are frightening to her, matters that she cannot escape; her brain cannot overcome. Which is totally okay because writers are mostly projecting on real matters in their works, but with her it's more personal. You feel like you know her, you know who this person is, it's the one that lives inside you, the one that you want to stay in contact with, the one you relate to but you're not quite sure how to make amends with."

"That's beautiful," Sara said. "I felt that, too. To be honest, I felt that she was writing for me. I felt that she understood me."

"I believe that she uses sensory details and that's why we feel like we are inside the story she's writing," another student shared her opinion. "Plus, like you said, since she focuses on characters rather than plot, she addresses human behavior, so it's easy to relate to and feel what she is writing about."

"That's correct. I like where you guys are going with this." Sara held her book again and chuckled. "You know how she talks about the grey-green light of the lighthouse?" Some of her students nodded and some stayed silent, while others hummed and commented loudly. "My wife is kinda obsessed with her and with _The Great Gatsby_ so she was like _I bet there is some connection._ I asked her how and she said, 'the green light, duh. They're always addressing that damn color.'" Her students laughed. "And so we spent all night coming up with literary theories about the light, but now that I'm thinking about it, I do believe that it kind of symbolizes memories, perhaps? What do you think? I mean the way the narrator says the light is reflected on the wall. I need your thoughts."

Sara picked Tegan up from her work place like she did almost every day. Sometimes, when she had to work late, Tegan had to take an Uber back home.

"I'm gonna piss myself," Tegan said as soon as she got in the car. "It's so cold today."

"Why didn't you go to the bathroom?" Sara asked, lowering the music.

"It's not that clean. I feel like I'll get some type of infection." Sara laughed. "My babies are hungry." Sara looked at her, smiling. "I ate a lot but I'm just hungry."

"I'll feed you and your babies whatever you guys want." Tegan gave her a wide gummy smile, changing the station to find whatever suited her mood.

They ended up ordering some pizza and chicken wings. They ate and told each other about the day they had. After the food Sara waited for her lover in their bedroom. Tegan left the bathroom in her black sports bra and matching black boxer briefs. She sat next to Sara's relaxed body on the mattress.

"So," she said, smiling shyly, "what are you waiting for?"

"Waiting for what?" Sara played dumb. She wanted Tegan to direct her and move her.

"Don't you remember?" Tegan rested on her side, staring at Sara's fresh face. "Yesterday you said something about uh…"

"Can you refresh my memory because I'm not sure I know what you're talking about?" But Sara smiled against her will and so Tegan pushed her playfully. "What? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Fuck you," Tegan said with laughter. "You know too well what I'm talking about."

"Well, can you refresh my memory?" Sara teased and challenged her with her daring octave. Tegan decided she'd tease back; therefore, she got on top of her and held both arms above her head. "Whoa, somebody doesn't like to play."

"Oh, no. I like to play." Tegan smirked. "I just don't like to be challenged." She leaned down to give her lover a kiss but Sara turned her face to the side, making her wife's lips come in contact with her cheek. So Tegan licked her cheek instead. "Do you want to be fucked or do you not want to ever be fucked again, Sara?" Tegan threatened. Sara laughed.

"You really don't like foreplay," Sara commented, a bit surprised by Tegan's anger. Tegan sat back up, straddling her waist. She whined, shaking her shoulder. "What?"

"I feel weird. Like, I can't compete with you. You know what to say and what to do and I'm just trying to follow up."

"Babe, you're doing it perfectly. I'm just teasing you." Sara rubbed the thighs that straddled her. It was quite apparent that Tegan's hormones were beginning to rage, and that's why Sara didn't want to press. "I'm just trying to get you out of your comfort zone, I guess."

"Can I just do whatever I can right now? Let me challenge myself but don't challenge me because I feel insecure."

"Of course," Sara said. "I'm all yours. If I teased without being aware of it, just tell me, okay?" Tegan nodded, kissing her right away.

Tegan knew exactly what she was doing and what she wanted to do, Sara figured it out by the strokes of her tongue. She kissed her properly, sucked on her tongue and moaned while she rocked her hips on her legs. Tegan was, in fact, the one teasing.

When she finally sat up, she waited to regain her breaths then smiled. "I love you, by the way." Sara giggled, reaching for her hand to squeeze it.

"I love you, too."

Tegan's lips were hurriedly in contact with her face, kissing whatever skin was there. First she kissed her cheeks, then pecked the soft lips, then her nose, and lastly her forehead. She looked back at Sara, smiled, then resumed her kisses. She kissed her left earlobe, making sure to drag her tongue behind her ear, making Sara squirm in her arms.

Sara felt herself getting wet. She could feel her fluids seeping out of her core. Tegan's tongue was doing wonders on her neck now. Tegan sucked a spot that made her scream and squeeze her wife's calves tightly. Tegan was giggling softly. That was going to leave a spot she would have to cover before going to work tomorrow.

"You're wet?" Tegan inquired in her husky octave.

"What do you think?"

"I think I can make you more wet." Sara bit on her lower lip when her wife cupped her between her legs, right above her yoga pants. Tegan leaned in again to kiss her lips quickly before moving to her shoulders. She kissed her collarbones and licked every few seconds. When she looked up again, her hands were already removing the black tank top Sara was in. Sara wasn't wearing a bra. She sat up a bit to help Tegan get her top off then lay back on Tegan's pillow the way she had been resting before. Tegan leaned in again, this time kissing her chest.

Sara arched her back once her left nipple was inside her lover's mouth. Tegan flicked her tongue gently before starting to suck on the hard bud. "Ahh, Tegan," she didn't realize her calls for attention until she felt her body free from Tegan's oral activity. "Tegan, please."

"Shh," Tegan put her index against Sara's lips. "Let me enjoy your body." Sara kissed her finger.

The younger women gave the same treatment to her right breast. She bit on her nipple softly before pulling away. She kissed both nipples then moved down to kiss between Sara's breasts. Once she moved to her abdomen, she kissed more lightly than ever, making sure to touch all the lines of stitches and stretch marks with her sweet lips. Sara felt her clit jump.

"I swear to God, I think I'm gonna come just by this." Tegan looked up at her, a bit worried that what she said might happen, however she did not retreat. She began taking off her yoga pants and underwear all at once. Sara kicked them down when they were at her feet. She spread her legs immediately, but Tegan laughed and closed them. "Come on, please."

"I thought you wanted to sit on my face."

"I can't even sit up now. I'm dying."

"No." Tegan raised one eyebrow. "You're doing what I say."

Tegan kissed her thighs; her lips descended from the bony hipbones to the meaty thighs. She licked at Sara's inner thighs and left a few love marks there after sucking the soft skin. Sara's juices coated her inner thighs and Tegan relished the taste. She pecked Sara's engorged cit quickly but did not give more attention to her pussy. Absentmindedly, Sara was humping the mattress. Tegan laughed when their eyes met. Tegan's eyes never left her slightly opened ones as she kissed down her legs to her feet.

"How do you feel?" Tegan asked.

"Honestly?" Tegan nodded. "Like I'm soaring above heaven."

"Wow." Coyly, Tegan tucked the strands of hair behind her ear. "Well, now get up." She took her wife's hands and pulled her up.

Tegan lay down in her place. She smiled as her lover straddled her, both legs between her resting body. Sara took a hold of the headboard as she felt Tegan's palms on her ass. She could feel the hot breaths on her vulva. She wanted nothing but to get her clit played with and her walls fucked well.

"Fuck," moaned Tegan. "You're dripping on me." Sara looked down at her lover licking her lips. "I'm gonna enjoy this."

"Stoppp," whined Sara like a little girl. "Fuck, Tegan," she screamed when Tegan wrapped her lips around the small clit. She began to move her hips back and forth gently, feeling Tegan's knowing tongue jerking her bundle of nerves. A sharp exhale left her lips when Tegan struck her ass. "Ohhh." She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt it again. Her saturated hole was aching for something.

"Yum." Tegan wiped her lips and guffawed, staring up at her lover's dazed features. While looking at each other, Tegan moved her tongue across the drenched slit and flicked her inner lips to the left and to the right until she took them in her mouth, sucking at them.

"Holy fuck," Sara shouted, hitting the headboard with a clenched fist. Tegan's laughter vibrated between her legs. She was writhing and jumping to get her orgasm. The burn in her clit was wonderful but the need was making her whiny and fidgety, which made Tegan hold onto one thigh tightly before pushing two fingers in her silky walls. "Oh my God." She took a deep breath, hitting the wall behind the bed.

Tegan pushed in and out quickly as she lapped and licked Sara's clit. She reached the spongy part she was quite familiar with and curled her fingers, rubbing the spot that made her wife fall backward with a scream. Sara cursed and winced as her head fell between her lover's legs. "Shit, shit, shit, Tegan please, please, please, calm down…oh my god." That was too much and she could barely take it. She wanted to come but it was too much her head was getting dizzy. Tegan held both hips and resumed eating her out after her laughter quieted down.

Her face was full of her lover's inebriating fluids. Sara had never reacted that way when she ate her out. She was enjoying it; she was getting off by it. Now she understood what it was like enjoying giving as much as getting; it's that moment when they get so small and weak in your arms, when you're controlling their pleasure, deciding when and how you'd like to give it to them, when they're begging and pleading, when they can't feel anything but this mind-boggling nirvana that they don't get to experience often.

Sara came with a long moan, and Tegan was sure Sara had those multiple orgasms she kept talking about. She could feel it around her fingers and in her mouth as she licked and tasted her juices.

Sara curled her legs and lay on her side at the end of the bed. Tegan crawled to her and kissed her face and lips. "You're okay?" Sara nodded, still trying to get down from her high. "Everything is alright? I didn't hurt you?"

"No," Sara whispered. "Tegan, I had two orgasms at the same time in different places. Do you know what that is?" Tegan laughed, nodding. "That's like a miracle for a postmenopausal woman."

"It's not a miracle if it can happen easily." Sara sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"I was afraid I fell on your tummy."

"No, you didn't."

"We have to be careful, babe. This is not a joke." Sara put her hand above Tegan's lower abdomen and rubbed. "I hope they're safe and sound in there."

Tegan put her hand on top of her lover's. "I think they are. Don't worry." She leaned in for another kiss, just to feel this special bond she had never felt with anyone but this woman in her arms. She wondered what made some people so special they could bring exciting new emotions that you could never feel with anybody else.


	26. Heartbeat

They sat in their living room waiting for the small talk to end so they could pop the news. Anxiously waiting, they both nodded their heads to the screen in front of them as Sonia gave directions and rules about necessary house decoration that she thought they needed. Tegan took quick glances at her wife's unnerved features; the glasses sat on her nose, the black top was as conservative as it could get, the jacket was also black, covering every piece of skin, the jeans were dark as well, the face was fresh but quite red due to nerves and uncalled for embarrassment. The wife wanted to leave a good impression, she was too scared the V-neck shirt might be too revealing, even though it barely showed the upper part of her chest and the necklace Tegan had given her a long time ago.

Meanwhile, Tegan was in her pajamas. She had puked all morning then took a shower. She wore her cozy green pajamas and sat by the window watching the rain as she planned to speak to her parents about a certain topic. She told her mother she would call her on Skype in few hours. The mother chose nighttime because her father wasn't home in the morning, even though it was the weekend.

It was hard for her to hold it in for another week. She stood in front of the mirror everyday and looked at her body. She wanted to see if any changes were happening. Nine weeks along, there were only a couple of changes: her breasts seemed bigger, her tummy bloated. Other than that her body was the same. Sara laughed whenever she stood and analyzed those differences. She told her they would happen soon, but Tegan wanted them to happen already.

They had another appointment in three days; they were going to hear the heartbeat. She felt frightened they would get the shock of their lives being told something was wrong, their hearts had no beat. She thought about it each night before going to bed. Now she's sitting in front of her chatty mother, she dreaded she's telling the woman too soon, she dreaded she's telling her too late as well. But again, she just found out ten days ago.

"Mom, mom…" she tried to interrupt her mother, "when is dad joining you?"

"Oh, yeah. He's right here; he just doesn't like me rambling about furniture."

 _No wonder_ , Sara thought. Tegan did inherit her obsession with house decoration and furniture from her mother. It was only fair because Sara herself took her love for food and kitchenware from her mother, too. Sara reached for the cold hand of her lover to give it a comforting squeeze, even though she felt like she was going to shit her pants.

Tegan gave her a warm smile. There was no need for her anxiety, right? No, Tegan's mother was scary.

"It's just that Sara and I need to tell you and dad something important." Sara noticed that her wife had started stuttering. She squeezed her hand again.

"Oh, okay. Yes…yes." Sonia took a glance at her and she could swear that the glance was a silent threat. She shivered in her seat. How was she that scared of her mother-in-law? She never thought she would be the type to get scared of her parents-in-law. "Stephen, get in here."

"Are you done blabbering?" Sonia rolled her eyes. Tegan did so, too. Sara wanted to laugh but the situation she was in did not allow her to do so.

"The girls want to tell us something," Sonia said again.

"I'm right here," his voice was approaching closer.

Tegan smiled as soon as his body appeared from the corner of the room. Sara smiled too when he sat down next to his wife on the couch.

"Hello girls," he said, a sandwich in his hand. "What's up?"

"Don't eat, that's not polite," Sonia instructed. Sara almost laughed. She glanced at her lover and Tegan was blushing at her parents' quirky personalities.

"They're family, who cares?"

Sonia rolled her eyes again.

"Mom," Tegan said again, after a long breath. "Dad."

"Tegan," her father said, mockingly using the same grave tone as his daughter's.

"Dadddd," she groaned. "I'm serious. I have to tell you something." She looked at Sara quickly then averted her gaze back to the screen. "Sara and I have to tell you something."

"Okay, dear. Spell it," Sonia said calmly.

"So I had a miscarriage a few months ago," Tegan started. Their parents nodded, listening carefully. "I was kind of devastated after it. I…"

"We agreed we were not going to try again…try to have a baby, I mean."

"Yes," said Sonia with her judgmental stares.

"I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't let her talk about it that much, to be quite honest," Sara continued. "I wanted her to forget and move on. I didn't want us to focus on this loss and, honestly, I couldn't take another loss."

"Another loss?" Stephen asked.

"Well, I have lost my daughter years ago. A newborn baby."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that."

"It's okay," Sara whispered. Sonia finally smiled. It was an apologetic smile. "So that other loss just told me to stop pushing it, pushing her, and pushing everything just to get a baby, maybe it's not meant to be."

"But I…" Tegan paused to take a deep breath. "I didn't listen. I admit it's wrong of me to do what I did, but I had to. I kind of went behind her back and got inseminated. I wanted to try again. I was in a dark place and I didn't get why it didn't work out for me if I was completely fine so I did…that. I didn't tell her and I tried again, all by myself."

"Oh, dear God." Sonia slapped her forehead, sighing with anger.

"Yeah and…" Tegan looked down at her lap, at Sara's hand steadying her shaking legs. "I am pregnant right now."

"Holy shit," Sonia said again.

Her father was awfully quiet, and that's what worried her.

"The thing is I didn't tell Sara at all. I actually kind of ignored it because I didn't believe it was going to happen until I started getting morning sickness. I did the test and well…I'm two months along right now."

"Oh my God." Sonia's face was red and tensed. Tegan bit her lower lip, waiting for the hurricane to start.

"You are alright, though? The baby is fine?" Her father finally spoke. "You went to the doctor, right?"

"Yes, yes. We went two times. Everything is going well right now. We have another appointment in three days," Sara hurried to answer.

"And uh…they're two. Two babies. Twins," Tegan added.

Her mother looked up with wide eyes. "Twins?"

"Yeah," confirmed her daughter, hand over her stomach.

"Wow," the father uttered. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," said Sara with a smile.

"Congratulations, honey," said the mother, smiling.

"Thank you, mom." Tegan smiled, looking at her wife.

"What about…" Stephen began to speak but closed his mouth.

"What about what?" Tegan wondered loudly.

Her father looked at her mother and the woman shook her head.

"Did your doctor make any comment about your breathing? Your heart?"

Sara's eyes narrowed as she looked at her wife's face, quickly changing colors, hastily turning pale.

"No," whispered Tegan. "Is that going to be…a problem?" She didn't want to look at Sara.

"It might be," Stephen said.

"What's going on?" Sara asked. She could feel the resonant beating of her own heart.

"You never told her!" Sonia remarked.

"Tell me what?" Sara's own heartbeat drummed in her chest, stomach turned and legs shook. She looked at her wife, waiting for the confession to startle her because those shifty eyes only hid a disaster inside.

"I didn't because my doctors never noticed it and I thought it didn't matter," Tegan said. "I actually…forgot about it."

"Can I please know what's going on?"

"They never noticed it because it only acts up in acute pressure, Tegan," her father said. "You promised you were going to get the surgery."

Sara started tearing up. Nobody was filling her in. She felt left out. She felt like she was missing a huge piece of information.

"My heart has a problem, Sara," finally, Tegan uttered. Sara's tears began to fall down. "It's not a big deal."

"It's a birth defect," Sonia said. "We didn't know about it until the accident."

"Which accident?" Sara asked, but then she gasped as soon as she remembered. That same accident Tegan had told her about. "Oh."

"Coarctation of the aorta…that's what I have."

"Is that serious? Is it going to cause a huge problem?"

Stephen was a heart surgeon and his facial expression was not promising. The professor didn't know another shock was coming her way. It's like disasters hurried to chase her.

"If the doctor didn't notice it till now, she's fine. However, I'm afraid it might affect her in later stages of the pregnancy so you have to inform your GP, Tegan."

Tegan had never mentioned it to anyone, not even to her doctors. Her friends didn't know, too. She didn't think about it much. When she found out, it wasn't a big deal. However, she remembered clearly when the results were out and she was told pregnancy might be ruled out if the coarctation wasn't corrected.

"You have to avoid getting an aneurysm." Sara's eyes widened. "You have to seek your rest, you know that, right?"

No, she didn't know. She forgot about it. How did she forget about it?

"Isn't there like any medicine for that? How come she doesn't take something?" Sara asked.

"She has to get a surgery. It's a defect and it acts up in tough times," Sonia explained.

"I'm speechless."

"Let's not think too much about it now," Sonia said. "You just have to consult your GP at the moment."

But Sara thought and thought and thought and thought till she felt her head about to explode, expelling tiny cells and tissues from her brain. She also cried pathetically in front of Tegan's blank face. Tegan tried to calm her down, making it seem as if it wasn't a big deal. But, deep down, Tegan was anxious as well. How did she miss this part? She completely forgot about it. It seemed that even her parents did. They never warned her. Nobody reminded her.

"We'll tell Dr. Wilson on Monday, don't worry," Tegan rubbed Sara's arms in bed.

Sara turned off the small lamp beside her head and sighed. She spooned her wife, kissing the back of her neck. "How can you tell me not to worry?"

"It's going to be okay, I know it." Those were just words Tegan used to calm her lover down. She felt butterfly kisses on the back of her neck, making her squeal softly.

When she turned around, Sara began to kiss her with tender passion. Her lips brushed her lover's soft ones and her tongue struggled for entrance. Tegan giggled through the kiss, finally allowing Sara to tease her tongue, sucking it inside, guiding her mind to a room of bliss.

"Do you want to…" Sara bit her lower lip, but Tegan could not see it through the dark. Tegan shook her head, Sara couldn't see it, too.

"No," whispered the younger woman. "I just showered hours ago, if we do it I'll get all hot and sweaty and I won't sleep well."

Sara's laughter rang in her ears. It was quite adorable. "You're beginning to get too hot quickly, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Tegan said.

"You hate human contact and you feel disgusted easily, huh?"

"Kind of." She had not noticed those effects until Sara mentioned them.

"Want me to stop touching you?"

"No, you're fine." Tegan yawned. "I face that during the day more."

"I know how you feel." Sara kissed her again before they both fell asleep.

In the morning, Tegan's troubled stomach woke her up. She stayed in bed till the nausea increased; the familiar feeling came back to her. She groaned and got up. Before she could reach the toilet, she emptied the contents of her stomach on the floor of her bedroom.

Sara arose quickly at the sound of gagging. She ran to where her wife was sitting on the floor, puking her guts out with breathy cries and loud groans. She rubbed her back and held her hair back until she finished. God, she would have to clean this now. She had mastered breathing throughout this mess a long time ago; she had already gotten used to Tegan puking due to the nervous habit the younger woman had. But still…she hated cleaning up the puke.

She did it anyway. She took Tegan to the bathroom and helped her out of her pajama shirt. Tegan shivered. When she took her back to the room she covered her with the heavy duvet and ran outside to turn on the heating system in her house. It usually took ten minutes till warmth covered their entire home; therefore, Sara ran back into the room, closed the door and cuddled up with her wife, kissing her cold cheeks and rubbing the swollen part of her tummy.

"Isn't it supposed to end by now?" Tegan asked.

Sara hoped the room didn't smell like puke, but somehow she could still smell it. Tegan brushed her teeth and Sara cleaned the floor well, why did she still smell it? Maybe it was stuck in her nose. God, she wanted it to end so bad as well.

"Soon," she whispered, adding another kiss. "How do you feel?"

"Nauseous."

"Again?"

Tegan groaned loudly. She closed her eyes and released soft sighs through her lips. Sara couldn't resist how pouty and beautiful they looked; she pecked the rosy flesh softly then kissed her nose.

"I'm better now," whispered Tegan, her eyes still closed.

Sara left her lying in bed for about half an hour. They both needed more sleep and Tegan had been working too much lately, sometimes she stayed up all night making worksheets for her students while Sara was sound asleep. Once again, the growing anxiety that had been aroused the night before returned with full force as Sara remembered the reason of her distress. What if Tegan's heart issue was going to cause a problem? What if it was going to affect the babies? Worse…what if it was going to affect her wife's health? Tears streamed down her face without her being aware of them. Tegan was asleep again; thank God she couldn't see the apparent apprehension.

When Tegan woke up minutes later she sat up quickly, rubbing her forehead.

"Again?" Sara asked, waiting for her to hurl, hoping that she would just run to the bathroom instead.

Tegan moaned. "My body hurts."

"Oh…" Sara didn't know what to say. Those were normal and common side effects.

"My breasts, I can't take the pain," Tegan cried, a hand over her chest and eyes squeezed shut as pain surged through her nerves. Fuck being pregnant, honestly. As exciting as it felt as unnecessary it was due to the irritation it brought her. She couldn't believe Sara had to deal with all that and then lose her baby. What if she…Fuck, no, why did she have to think like that every morning? She wished she could be optimistic just once in her life.

Sara chuckled, but it wasn't funny to Tegan. She opened her eyes with a death glare. "I'll get the coconut oil and give you a proper massage."

Tegan didn't exactly understand what the hell coconut oil was. She knew, though, that she hated coconut. When Sara returned, she took the small bottle from her hand in order to inspect. Oh, so it was that bottle Sara had in the shelves of the bathroom near her creams and lotions.

"I thought that was like a hair product," Tegan said, hand still massaging her own breasts.

Sara laughed. "You don't even read what the labels say, do you?"

Tegan tsked.

"Take your shirt off and lie down," Sara ordered. "I'm gonna give you the royal treatment."

"What if it hurts more?"

"No, trust me. I do that almost every week. I get sore breasts because of the hormone replacement, too."

Tegan removed her shirt with a sigh and rested on the mattress. Usually when she lay down, her stomach would get sucked in; her ribcage would be evident through her skin. Sara marveled at the astonishing scene today; Tegan's belly was swollen enough not to get a tiny bit sucked in; instead the small circular swell was in plain sight, making Sara stare in awe.

"Why are you staring like that?" Tegan asked, hiding her breasts with her arm. How silly of her, and how innocent, too. Sara wanted nothing more than to blanket her with kisses and shower her with love, wrap her around a heaven of tenderness and spoil her with a treasure of sweetness.

"I'm just…happy." Sara shook her head, tears back again in her eyes. "I mean, it's…" She pointed at the goosebumped tummy right beside her. "Look! It's obvious."

Tegan's hazel orbs moved down, staring at her own belly. "Yeah, it looks…wow. It actually looks obvious while I'm lying down, that's so weird."

Her wife leaned in to kiss the small pouch. She giggled because she was ticklish.

"You're showing quicker because you're very tiny and you're bearing twins."

Tegan showed her a gummy smile, hands away from her breasts—hands on the soft hair that belonged to her wife.

"Are you ready, baby?" Tegan nodded, part of her hesitant as she watched Sara put some of that oil in her hand. She was deeply sore and she didn't want the feeling to increase.

It did increase the first few minutes, which made her cry harder. Sara told her it was fine as she massaged with her gentle hands, making circular motions on each breast, pressing softly with her thumbs. Once the tension was lifted, Tegan's eyes closed. Slowly, the pain was getting limited.

Sara's thumbs ran down from her upper chest till they stopped right above the pink areolas. Tegan moaned as the motion helped her relax. As she straddled her hips, the older woman leaned in for a kiss. Tegan smiled when their lips were tangled together. The room grew hot as their affection took all the empty space away and replaced it with golden fiery lust.

Tegan released a louder moan when Sara's thumbs contacted her hard nipples. It stung a bit but it felt too good to let her stop. She kissed back with as much passion as she could convey. Sara's kisses descended down till they stopped at her upper chest.

"I'd like to kiss your breasts but the taste of the oil isn't nice." Sara was still massaging. "Do you feel better?"

Tegan smiled and giggled. "I do. Thank you." She leaned in to kiss her lover's forehead.

"Man, you know what boob massages do to the milk supply? It's a natural pump."

"Umm…" Tegan blushed; it made the older woman laugh. "I think it's kinda…too early for that, right?"

Sara nodded, still laughing. "Yeah. Way too early. But I mean if we do this every day until you're close, you might start producing milk like a month before."

Tegan's eyes widened. "No, thank you." Plus, it was way too early. They still had to make sure her heart was okay. They had to wait for the babies to grow in her. Who knew what might happen. Her wife did feel calmer than the night before. Perhaps watching her bloated belly made her calm down, but she still couldn't join Sara in her hopeful thoughts.

Sara's kisses interrupted her when they touched her abdomen, making her shiver and burn at the same time. With a swift movement, Sara's hands got her rid of her pants and underwear, revealing a patch of dark hair covering her entire mound and inner thighs, the scent was bound to make both of them dizzy. It made the younger woman turn redder than she had already been. When their eyes met, Sara bit down her lips.

"I shaved a week ago," Tegan commented when her wife parted her legs. "But I'm not sure what's going on with my hormones, I've never been this hairy."

"Babe, I don't care."

"And my discharge is…a lot and the smell is too…"

Sara cackled. "Honey, that's fine." She pecked her mound to show her she couldn't care less about the hair that covered the area. "I just hope I can find your clit," Sara joked, but it only made her wife more self-conscious, parting her lips with flushed cheeks. "That's a joke, babe."

"Oh…"

"It's a joke." Sara pecked her clit. "Here it is." She winked.

Sara ate her out and she fingered her back. It was quick, but it relaxed her.

On Monday they were scared as shit. Tegan could barely carry on with her day at work. She had been feeling tired the entire weekend. She almost fainted in class. She was exhausted, paranoid, and anxious. She took a leave and went back home. Sara got back from work with a heavy heart. She asked her what was going on.

"I'm scared," wept Tegan.

"Why, baby?" The professor rubbed her wife's back, nerves heavy in her stomach, too. She tried her best not to let them show.

"What if something is wrong and I lose them again?" Sara didn't know it still affected her badly. Hell, she didn't know it affected her that bad in the first place. She honestly thought that everything had happened was the reason of her own incessant need to have a child, not due to Tegan's trauma.

She wrapped both arms around her and kissed her earlobe, whispering sweet assurances in her ears. That was the only solace she could give to both of them.

At the doctor's office Tegan presented her medical history to their doctor, who was quite shocked to learn that Tegan had previously dealt with a heart issue. When Tegan became her patient, the first question Dr. Wilson asked was whether Tegan had any previous medical issues. Tegan gave her the old anemia record, but never mentioned anything about her heart. Once thoroughly tested, Dr. Wilson could notice the inability to breathe normally, but that was because of the anemia only; she hadn't detected any issue with the aorta. Now sitting with the file in her hand, her jaw dropped as she studied the doctor's notes from two years ago.

"How come you haven't mentioned it at all?" she asked.

Tegan shrugged. "I forgot about it." At first she didn't forget. She remembered part of her not mentioning it was the hope that something would happen to her, something would kill her. Now she regretted nothing more than not listening to her father about getting the correctional surgery.

Her father sent her the medical records; he was the one who examined her heart after the accident. She remembered the small heart-shaped pills he made her take every day for several months until she was fine again.

"The problem is that this is only going to affect you. It won't affect your babies."

"You call that a problem?" Tegan exclaimed. "I thought it might fucking hurt them."

"Tegan," Sara put her hand against her lover's shaking knees to calm her down.

"You're carrying two. It might actually make it very hard for you to breathe later on. That's why you need an immediate cardiac screening."

Tegan's eyes widened when she saw her wife's eyes fill with tears.

"I don't want to worry any of you. Chances that it's advanced are quite low since I always give her a thorough exam and I find nothing. Plus, her breathing was perfect the last time, which was only two weeks. We just need to be careful is all."

"When should she get the screening?" Sara asked, stomach in knots, heart drumming.

"Let's get her an ultra sound first to check the babies' progress and we'll talk about it after that."

Tegan looked up at her wife's big focused orbs instead of looking at the screen. She was too frightened to do so. Sara held her hand as the doctor put that cold substance all over her stomach.

"How's the morning sickness?" Dr. Wilson asked.

"Bad," Tegan answered, looking at her. "When is it going to stop?"

"You're going into your tenth week so quite soon." The doctor moved the ultra sound and looked at the screen. Sara smiled when she saw it. "Look, Tegan."

When she did, her worries dissipated. The heartbeat rang in her ears, bringing those tears back to her eyes. Sara squeezed her hands. _Thank you, whoever is up there_ , she thought. At least her children were fine.

"They seem pretty healthy. Their heartbeat is perfect, they're breathing well and so you are."

"Does that mean I don't need a screening?" Tegan asked.

"No, you do. We have to track the issue, Tegan."

Her wife leaned in for a quick kiss.

"What do I have?"

"Pardon me?" the doctor questioned.

"Are they boys or girls or both?" Sara's cheeks grew rosy hearing her wife ask that.

"It's too early, Tegan," Sara whispered.

"Really?"

Sara nodded, cheeks were red, brow was sweaty. "You need few more weeks to know." It amazed her that Tegan didn't know the most basic information about pregnancy.

"Oh." Tegan seemed disappointed.

"You can know after your 20th week," the doctor said.

"Whoa, that's too long."

"Well, yes, that's the way it is."

"When am I due again?"

"April 22nd," Sara answered. "Or around that time."

"Oh, man." Sara giggled. Tegan was always shocked to hear how long she needed till she gave birth.

The younger woman was scheduled to get a cardiac screening the next day after work. When they were done with Dr. Wilson, it was time for Sara to get her checkup with Dr. Anderson, who gave Tegan another ultra sound just to make sure everything was completely fine.

"It's funny how Dr. Anderson doesn't trust your friend giving me a checkup," Tegan said in the car.

"It's kind of annoying, but yeah," Sara said. "Are you okay now?"

"Yeah," Tegan said. "But I'm still worried." She sighed.

"Both said your heart seems quite good and your breathing is normal so let's hope for the best."

"I hope so." Tegan yawned. "Sare?" She asked, pulling her legs up on the seat. "Do you think we'll have two girls or two boys or one of each?"

Sara guffawed. "Well if they're identical I'm not sure we'll get one of each, babe."

"Really? We can't?"

"I think we can't."

"I hope we get two boys then."

"What?" Sara hit the brakes vehemently. "Why?" She looked at her wife as if she had just gotten offended. "Why not girls?"

"Whoa, chill." Tegan put her hand above her stomach. "I just like having boys more than girls." Tegan shrugged.

"I like girls more. They're cute and soft and less tiring to raise."

"I think boys are easier to raise, though. Like they just grow up."

"You know what, it doesn't matter. As long as they're healthy and you're healthy, it doesn't matter." Sara prayed to God that night she would get two girls and not a boy. She honestly didn't feel like having two boys at once. Tegan had a dream she gave birth to two girls and a small alligator. She woke up scared.

"I dreamed I gave birth to an alligator," she told Sara in the morning.

"That's interesting." Sara brushed her hair in the bathroom. She took a peek at her lover through the mirror. Tegan was getting dressed. "You know, you can use your old bras." Sara turned around, looking at her wife struggling to hook her bra. "The ones you gave me when you first moved here. You probably fit in them again."

"Yeah," mumbled Tegan. "Come help me instead of talking." Tegan woke up cranky in her best days, and woke up like a monster in her worst days, during pregnancy she was just mood swings on two feet. Sara had promised herself not to get on her nerves, but always seemed to forget.

 _What if this, what if that,_ her mind came up with creative theories and grotesque scenarios about the fate of her babies due to her heart problem. She wondered whether Sara thought the same. Maybe they were going to ask her to get rid of the babies, maybe they were going to confirm her horrible issue that could never be fixed, maybe they were going to give her the option of abortion or dying after giving birth. She'd choose to die. Yes. She'd deliver the baby and die. Sara wanted the babies too much. She knew Sara would not support her decision, but it was hers after all.

She didn't think there was nothing wrong, and when she was there in the clinic getting thoroughly examined; she couldn't believe the doctor when he said that there was no visible issue that they could detect.

"So we don't have to worry?" Sara asked with an excited ring in her voice. Tegan's head turned to both sides, looking at the doctor then at Sara and then at Dr. Wilson who introduced them to the ' _best_ ' heart doctor in town, and decided to join them in the room.

"We're waiting for the tests to confirm it," he said. "The only problem is that we cannot actually detect the abnormality unless we do the transesophageal echocardiogram, which is not safe for her since she's pregnant. We have to wait for the echocardiogram's result to know if the heartbeat is irregular."

"But for now, there isn't any problem, right?" Asked Sara again.

"Nothing I can see," said the doctor. "I don't think you need to worry. Even if we detected something, chances are it's not that dangerous and, again, according to her medical record, this problem can be corrected."

"What about the later stages of pregnancy, doctor?" Tegan asked. "What if it affects my breathing?"

"What about labor?" Dr. Wilson asked.

"I believe we should wait for the result to discuss this more, but to be on the safe side, a cesarean is always the right choice to give birth to twins." Sara didn't think so, however. She had been through a cesarean, she knew how bad the aftermath was, she had gone through all the pains and terrors of that experience and she didn't want Tegan to experience it, too.

Sara didn't say anything, though. She swallowed all the words and churned them inside her head, repeating them again and again with herself in the shower. She heard Stacy's voice in her bedroom, wondering what she was doing there with Tegan and when she had gotten there. Her phone placed in one of the cabinet shelves in the bathroom beeped and beeped. When she left the shower, before wrapping a towel around her body, she grabbed her phone to read her text messages. She held the towel in one hand and read Dr. Wilson's text messages in the other.

She rushed out of the bathroom yelling, "Tegan, Tegan, Tegan!"

Stacy screamed and Tegan shouted, "For fuck's sake, Sara. Put something on."

"Dr. Wilson just texted that she has your results and she's gonna call in five minutes," Sara exclaimed. The phone was still in one hand and the towel in the other, hair dripping wet and body glistening with drops of water.

"What?" Tegan's face grew pale and Stacy turned around to stare at her friend, eyes covering her daughter's eyes while her daughter giggled embarrassingly.

"Yeah, yeah…just let me…" Sara paused while she stared down at her nude form. She finally wrapped the towel around herself and blushed when she realized that she had walked out naked in front of best friend. "Sorry about that, Stacy."

"Nothing I haven't seen," Stacy commented, joining Tegan on the bed. "But Ella's gonna be horrified for the next 10 years of her life."

"No, I won't," Ella answered, joining her mum on the bed. "You have hair down there, too. Big girls have vagina hair," Ella said confidently.

"Okay, wow…I did not even tell her that so don't look at me," Sara said.

"I told her that," Tegan answered. "She kept asking the other day why you had hair and she didn't." Stacy's cheeks grew hot and red. She nodded.

"Gotta stop the showers together," the friend mumbled. "She's noticing everything now," she added.

The phone rang before Tegan could agree. Sara joined them on the mattress, taking a long deep breath before answering. She put the phone on speakers. Her heart thundered inside her body.

"Are you ready to hear the results?" Dr. Wilson asked them after the casual greeting.

"Yes, please," said Tegan anxiously.

"Okay." Paused the doctor. A soft sigh was heard through the phone. "Tegan, unfortunately we detected a slight irregularity in your breathing."

Sara's face slowly began to lose its color. Tegan held her hand and squeezed.

"Fortunately, though, there's a ninety-five percent chance that it won't be harmful neither for you nor for the babies."

"What about the other five percent?" Sara asked in terrified hurry.

"The five percent is that it might cause issues in later stages of pregnancy. You might find some trouble breathing normally, might get too exhausted easily, might give you disturbing palpitations. To avoid that, the doctor will prescribe some pills for you that you will start taking after your fifth month is over."

"They won't be harmful?" Sara questioned, her eyes examined Stacy's concerned ones and Ella's ignorant ones.

"Of course they won't be," answered the doctor. "Tegan, you might want to stay away from any stressful activity. The issue was only detected after the car accident you had been through, and we reckon that it only affects you in traumatic, stressful situations."

Sara rubbed her knee as they both nodded at the inanimate object in Sara's hand.

"I guess we'll see you again at the clinic tomorrow to discuss it better," finished Dr. Wilson.

They both stayed silent for a long while after the call. It was awkward. For Stacy, it was the type of destructive silence that she hated being surrounded by. It spread some dark and negative energy in the room, it reminded her of every type of misery she held within, of all the reasons she felt unhappy, everything that annoyed and disturbed her. She wanted to say something; anything. A word. A clause. Any word. She just wanted to speak, to fill the silence. She looked at her daughter with her thumb in her mouth and then sighed softly.

"Did you guys have dinner?" She asked. Sara looked up at her, blinked twice then shook her head. "Wow, it's nine." Good, she didn't eat anything yet. She fed her daughter and left the house with the dessert Tegan had asked her for. "Want me to prepare something quick while you two take the time to talk about…about this?" She said this without pointing. _This_ was understood, right? They knew what she was talking about. Yes, they did; Sara nodded. She grabbed her daughter's hand and left the bedroom. She closed the door and went downstairs to the kitchen.

"Well," Sara said, her voice cracked. "I guess…"

"There's nothing we can do about it." Sara began to cry. "Why are you crying?" Asked Tegan.

Sara shrugged. Her wife held her hand for comfort, but the tears increased.

"It's nothing too scary," said Tegan. "I guess I have to call mom and dad, though."

"What if it ends up too serious?" Sara sobbed. "What if I lose you or them? I don't wanna lose more."

Losing was what Sara always feared. Tegan couldn't say anything because she knew it was something she couldn't fix; it was fixed, right in there, subconscious, wouldn't change due to past trauma.

"I'll be okay," she said. "I'm fine, perfectly fine."

Sara didn't stop crying, though. It took her half an hour till she finally stopped. When she did, she grabbed her wife's face and kissed every inch in there. Tegan squeezed both hands and rubbed them. "It'll be fine," she said again. "I'm sure of it." Sara nodded.

Tegan called her father to fill him in. He was calm, but her mother's reaction was as bad as Sara's, except there was more shouting than tears.

"What if something happens?" Sonia asked. "What if she gets tried during pregnancy?"

"Sonia," the father said, "calm down."

"I won't be there to help her."

"Her wife is there," he said. "She won't get tired."

"No, I have to be there. She has to give birth next to me. She has to be here, actually."

"Mom," Tegan said softly. "You're panicking." That was the first time Sara had witnessed her mother-in-law in such a state. Funny enough, she sounded a lot like her daughter. "Mom, please relax."

"I can't relax. Don't tell me to relax."

"I'm not sure why she's doing that. If everything is fine it means everything is fine."

"No, you should give her a checkup, too. I don't trust any other doctor."

Sara thought that was sweet. She smiled at her wife.

"Calm down," the father repeated, his tone gentle.

"Mom, I promise you if I feel any discomfort, I'll tell you. Can you please just calm down right now? I don't need you from one side and Sara from the other side panicking."

"You're my kid, what do you want me to do?"

"I am not your little kid," Tegan said. "I'm your adult pregnant kid who's married and has a life of her own. Plus, I'm not alone. Sara's here." Tegan sighed. "Please stop doing that or else I won't call you again to fill you in on my health."

Thank God! The warning seemed to have been effective enough to make the mother stop her blabber.

When the phone call was over, Sara put both hands over the small belly her wife was growing. "Please, Lord, keep all three of them safe," she prayed loudly, looking up at the ceiling. "Please, God," she whispered. Tegan was left in awe as she watched her wife pray with supplicating eyes.

A knock upon the door halted Sara's meditative thoughts. Tegan sighed in relief; she was starting to get uncomfortable.

"Can I come in?" Asked the woman behind the door. Sara remembered her friend was over. She still didn't know what she was doing there.

"Come in," Tegan pronounced.

Stacy smiled as she opened the door slightly. "All is well?" She inquired. Sara nodded with a polite smile.

"Yeah, come in," Tegan invited inside. "Babe, maybe you should get dressed."

"Yeah." Sara sighed as she got up.

Stacy came inside, leaving the door wide open. "Elle, I'm in here, okay?" She shouted.

"Okay," the sound of the little girl came from outside of the bedroom.

"I left her watching _The Lion King_ in the living room. Is that okay?"

"Sure," Sara said. "Let me get dressed so we can get out of the room."

"Yeah, I made some Mac and Cheese." Stacy sat on a chair in the room.

"Cool. Thank you." Sara turned around, facing the wall as she removed her towel.

"Sara," Tegan whined, "there's a bathroom."

Stacy laughed.

Sara didn't care. She put on satin black panties and turned around again. "It's my bedroom. I'll do whatever I want in here."

"Are you pissed off that I am here?" Stacy wondered loudly. "Because…"

"I wanted some of her éclairs. I was craving them," Tegan explained.

Sara was looking through her drawers for the bra she wanted. "No, idiot." She glanced at her friend. "If I didn't want you here, I'd tell you to go. I'm just anxious."

Tegan sighed again. "Sara, come on. It's nothing."

"You called your parents?" Tegan nodded. "What did they say?"

"My mom pulled a Sara." Stacy chuckled.

"Have you seen the burgundy bra?" Sara asked her wife.

"I'm wearing it," said Tegan, pulling the side of her grey shirt down to reveal the strap. "It's comfortable so I…"

"Oh, yes, it's fine. I thought I lost it or something." She had told her wife to use her old undergarment this morning, she forgot about it.

"Do you want it?" Tegan asked.

"No, sweetie. It's fine. I'll wear this one." Her wife held out a thin black bra.

"You know what's the best?" Stacy said. "Not having boobs so you don't have to wear a bra." She smiled big, showing her pearly white teeth.

"You realize you still have nipples and we can still see them?" Sara teased, smirking. She put on some pajamas, staring at Stacy's scowl.

"You don't get to talk when you walk around naked, Sara," said her wife.

"Thank you," exclaimed Stacy. "Finally someone on my side."

Sara sat on the mattress to put on her blue socks. Her hair wasn't dripping anymore, but it was damp enough to make her feel cold. "Anyway, let's go outside. I'm kind of hungry."

The eerie sensation still lingered in her chest as she ate her dinner with her friend and wife. She looked up at the animation on her television and pondered in silence. Her head began to ache after awhile. She needed a glass of wine. She went downstairs to the kitchen and saw the box of éclairs. She poured herself and her friend a glass of wine, prepared some milk for Ella, and got Tegan some lemon juice. She went back upstairs again with a tray in her hand.

"I almost fell," she said. "We should keep the alcohol here, Tee," she told her wife. "Going up and down is annoying."

"No," Tegan refused. "We need to get like a cupboard or like a small bar or something. I hate for the drinks to be exposed."

"Milk?" Chirped Ella. "Give me."

"Yes." Sara laughed. "Here you go." She almost gave the yellow sippy cup to the little girl, but pulled away before the small hands could reach for it. "Not before I get my kiss."

Ella giggled, kissing Sara's cheek quickly. "Now give me," she shouted.

"Ella," her mother said, "speak politely."

"Give me, please." Sara kissed her forehead, giving her the cup.

"So," Sara said, "you ask Stacy for éclairs but not me?" Her jealous eyes were big, wandering, questioning. Tegan suppressed her laugh as much as she could.

"Well, I really craved hers."

"It's the same recipe," Sara said. "It's my mum's recipe." Tegan shrugged. She was on the verge of laughter. "Isn't it?" The professor's eyes met Stacy's.

"Yes, who else would it be?"

"See?" Now they were connected with her wife's twinkling ones. "My mum makes the best éclairs in all Canada and France and the world, I know it."

"Your mum makes the best everything," Stacy commented. "Except children."

"That's not funny," Sara said, but Tegan was laughing.

"I wanna see her," Tegan said. "You talk about her but I don't even know how she looks like."

"Oh, seriously?" Stacy's mouth opened widely. "How come?"

"She never showed me any picture."

"Wow. I mean her mum is like the most gorgeous woman in the entire world. When she came to the parents meeting at school all the high school kids got a hard-on."

"Stop, that's my mother you're talking about."

"Do you not want her to see your mum because you're jealous?"

"What?" Sara's brows rose up. "That's ridiculous. I just don't have a picture of her." The reason was more complicated, though. She didn't want any type of connection between her mother and her wife to happen. She couldn't put her finger on it, but perhaps she just didn't want Tegan to be connected to the past of misery. Tegan was the future; everyone else was the past; the past that hurt her; the past that broke her chest.

The little girl was falling asleep in her mother's lap. Tegan's head rested on her lover's lap as well.

"Looks like I'm sleeping over, tonight," Stacy commented, watching her daughter's eyes commence to close slowly.

"Yeah, do that." Sara yawned. "Babe?"

"Hmm?"

"Tired?"

"Mhm." Tegan rubbed her own eyes, both irises focused on the animated film. Sara leaned in for a kiss, which she returned with a soft moan that made Stacy smile coyly.

"Are you horny?" Sara whispered, but the friend could hear them even though she tried to pretend that she couldn't.

"I don't know," Tegan murmured. "I miss that massage." She giggled sheepishly, staring at the friend from the periphery.

"Ohhh, why not?" Sara winked. When she lifted up her head, the friend was smiling unconsciously. Cheeks were red and lip was bitten. "Oh, man, sorry about that."

"No, no," Stacy said softly. "I'm sorry about being here." She pushed her daughter gently, putting a pillow from the couch underneath her head and covering her small body with her jacket. "I just think it's nice and refreshing."

"What is?" Tegan questioned.

"Being like that…with someone."

"Oh." Sara's eyes were suddenly dilated. "Wait…you…"

"I mean, it's nice for you guys."

"No, no," Sara's voice was quite loud with excitement. The friend hoped her daughter wouldn't wake up. "There's something. A spark. I know you, you didn't think it's nice. Oh my God, you're changing your mind?"

Stacy's discomfort was becoming apparent; Tegan sensed it. The friend wrapped her arms around her chest, making the white shirt stick to her breasts, causing her nipples to be seen. Sara was right, Tegan thought. "I'm not sure."

"Stace, come on. Try. Just try, just date at least."

"I want to but at the same time I don't want to."

"A date wouldn't hurt," Tegan commented. "Just test the waters."

"It's not like you're going to sleep with the person." Stacy chuckled. "I'm serious," Sara continued. "I have friends who are single, want me to like…you know, hook you up with someone or something?" Sara's plan was working, and that's what Tegan had feared. If it worked, it might get both of them in trouble. The last thing she expected was for this plan to work. They had discussed it, but soon after they forgot about it. It needed time and lots of effort.

"Are they nice people?" Stacy was like a frightened little girl.

"Yes, Stace. Of course I wouldn't want you to be with some dicks."

"Can it…" Stacy shook her head. She seemed too timid. "A woman? I want to go on a date with a woman. It just seems easier, more safe. Women are more understanding."

"Of course." Sara's smile was getting bigger and Tegan's eyes were getting wider. It was definitely working. "I know a couple of single women. Just leave it to me." Sara winked. "And if you don't like it, you don't have to go with it. I just think you really deserve to lighten up, have some fun, you know."

"And if things get too…you know good? What about Ella?"

"I don't think you should worry about that for now, Stacy," said Tegan. "Just take it one step at a time."

"Yeah, yeah, true." Stacy sighed. "Who would want to sleep with someone like me, anyway?" She was already thinking of sex, too.

Sara furrowed her brows at her friends. "What?"

"You know, I'm a mum."

"She slept with me." Sara pointed at her wife. "I'm fourteen years older than her and I had c-section stitches and was dry as fuck."

"What about those?" Stacy stood up, lowering her pants down to reveal the stitched up side. "It looks horrible."

"Stacy, seriously? Look at my body. I have stretch marks on my breasts, I have stitches all over my abdomen, I have zero sex drive and I'm still with a healthy, beautiful, young woman."

"You really shouldn't worry about something like that," Tegan agreed. "Pretty sure whoever you'll sleep with won't be perfect as well."

"I haven't even been with a woman."

"Umm…excuse me?" Sara raised one brow. It made the nurse laugh. "Pretty sure that's a vagina you've seen today."

"No, I mean. It's different when it was with you. Come on, you're my first. It doesn't count. And, like, when was the last time we slept together? Like when we were 23? That's ages ago."

"Wow, really?" Tegan asked, sitting up.

"No. We were 25. How can you not remember?"

"I…don't know?" Stacy narrowed her eyes as she tried to recall the scenes.

"It was my going away sex. The goodbye sex before I went to the US. You were newly single. It was good. We celebrated, how did you forget?"

"Ohhhhh." Stacy blushed. "No, I remember now." Tegan tried to act as if that was nothing but Goddamn that jealous gene in her, it couldn't leave her alone. "It's still a long time ago, and I still haven't had sex for 3 years. It's…" Stacy sighed. "I don't even recall that time with Tony as real sex. I was just his doll." Tegan felt bad; maybe the plan did need to work. Sara was smiling apologetically, but Tegan just felt bad for the friend.

The night faded with the small talk they had in the bedroom. Tegan didn't get her massage because it was late and she was tired; they both had to work in the morning. However, Sara put her hand underneath her shirt, placed it right beneath her left breast in order to feel every heartbeat; that's how the professor made sure the love of her life was healthy and alright.


End file.
